The Story Must Be Told

By The Last Podcast Network

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Drew z
 Oct 22, 2018
If you like creepypastas you'll love this podcast.

Description

Surreal fiction anthology, framed as a bizarre church service. Every other Tuesday, join Brother Reid, Pastor Andrew, and Sister Callista to worship the Story! Hear our greasy prayers! Delight in our healthy psalms, uh huh! Then bask in the Story—handsomely produced tales of dark humor, freakish sci-fi, and oddly touching literary horror. Start with any episode—the Story is waiting for you! TSMBT is a podcast by Post Everything Productions. All stories written by Pastor Andrew and Brother Reid. Production and original music by Carl Schroeder. Twitter, Instagram: @TSMBTpod

Episode Date
104. Yuck Yuck in My Mouth for a Dollar
00:22:58
Devon! What are you doing here? This is no place for you! Get out! OUT! Ohh, you rascal. Well, do what you want, because this Story will happen to YOU. Yeah. YOU. You think you like jokes but you ain’t heard jokes like THIS before. Sleep tiiiight. Invocation Petitions for Worthy Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Yuck Yuck in My Mouth for a Dollar” The Truth about Devon Tune in to our Patreon for a 522 Club next week, then come back home to the Story the next week for a STORY. Merch, for Yucks: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Dollars: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt
Jun 02, 2020
103. Good Night My Love - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks, featuring Jackie Zebrowski
00:38:57
When parasites fill your abdomen, take a deep breath, see your primary care provider, and ENJOY it. As a new host, try to name your new parasites with care. Welcome to the beautiful new you. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, No Dogs in Space, www.lastpodcastlive.com for new special $6.66) Featuring: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Petitions for Worthy Congregants Story: “Good Night My Love” Template for Leaving Your Family A new 522 Club next week, and after that a new, spicy Story. Ooh ooh! Merch, for Hosts: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Parasites: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt
May 19, 2020
102. Are You Afraid of the Story?
00:30:08
Hello? Who’s there? The Church is CLOSED. Oh! Goodness! It’s just you, listener. Join the clergy in the dead of night, in the empty Church, as we recount our share of spookies: Brother Reid Endures a Visitor Sister Callista Surrenders to the Parcel Pastor Andrew Interrupts Tragedy Oh how we wish the congregation could join us in hot, steamy PERSON. Merch, for Bodies: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon, for Souls: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt
May 05, 2020
101. The Perfect Man
00:40:42
Marriage consumes lives as often as it saves them. Have you been consumed by a partner, whole, so every piece of you seeks to serve the other? On the tottering seesaw of codependence, were your feet on the ground, or did you wobble in the sky, eyes focused solely on the greedy heft of your spouse? What sound will you make when you fall? This service to this here Story was crafted in conjunction with loyal patron and VIP Story Glory Guard Congregant Skylar S. Grease upon you! Invocation Psalm: “Babybotomies” Corporate Sponsor: Paul Giamatti’s Giamatteeth Liturgical Reading: “The Perfect Man” A Plea for Teeth Merch: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/tsmbt Non-Canon Tracks Utilized as source music by This Story (in order of use): Jazz Tune by Loops Lab Catchy Country by Andy Slater Cuban Samba by StellarTracks Church Organ by Stockwaves Electro Jam by StudioMonkey
Apr 22, 2020
100. It Will Last Forever
00:30:08
On this, our one-hundredth proper episode, Chalms guides us to profound questions: What were you doing in the Soviet Union between 1978 and 1984? Did you suffer for your crimes? Or is your suffering yet to come? Heh heh, atone, congregants. Atone! Residing Congregant: Chalms Invocation Petitions on behalf of Worthy Congregants Liturgical Reading: “It Will Last Forever” The Boy, The Bell We have merch to spread the Story to your closet and cabinet. Slurp from within, and sup upon: https://topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt
Apr 07, 2020
99. The Dreamt City
00:22:44
The places you visit in your dreams are real! The people within will find you! They will yell at you! Ohhh what did you do? Because I tell you what: you DESERVE it. Invocation Medal Award Ceremony Recipient: Woodrow the Dog Liturgical Reading: “The Dreamt City” The Return Ohhh help us enduuure, allow us to prosper: patreon.com/tsmbt
Mar 24, 2020
98. The Wandering Narrator
00:33:10
We’re boned, congregants! Yeah, we screwed the pooch bad, chomped a big fat one, sat on a REAL stinker. Even the Story knows turmoil, Narrator and Listener alike. Dang! Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Solemn Congregants Liturgical Reading: “The Wandering Narrator” The Return Slop like a pig in the pen of our spiiiicy Patreon: patreon.com/tsmbt
Mar 10, 2020
97. The Replacement - Special Guest Clergy Ben Kissel
00:35:22
Greeting cards bring joy and consolation to the grieving and joyous. Imagine a card that brings ruin. What would the card say? Do you believe the card, or deny the truth it has brought you? What will you do when you are replaced? GUEST CLERGY: Ben Kissel (Last Podcast on the Left, Kinda Fun podcasts) The CORY Imploring of Recipes Liturgical Reading: “The Replacement” Concluding Prayer We got hot merch, yeah you know about it: www.topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt
Feb 25, 2020
96. Their Unholy Spirit - Special Guest Clergy Ben Kissel
00:41:44
You know that feeling when you hug your aunt and she whispers in your ear, “I’m proud of the way you cut hair, Eugene”? Well, this one is also about feelings! Feelings deep down! Feelings with feelings. Feelings ready to CONSUME. Ruff ruff, snort snort, congregants. GUEST CLERGY: Ben Kissel (Last Podcast on the Left, Kinda Fun podcasts) Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Righteous Congregants MORE CORY Liturgical Reading: “Their Unholy Spirit” Concluding Prayer Patreon us true, and sup gentle on our extra splashes: patreon.com/tsmbt
Feb 11, 2020
95. Little Brother — Special Guest Clergy Ben Kissel
00:40:01
Brothers come in all sizes! In the Story, the biggest brother shall be the littlest, and vice versa yeah you get it. If there’s one truth for you in today’s Story, it is this: some kids are real chunks-a shit. Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Humble Congregants CORY played by Guest Clergy Ben Kissel (Last Podcast on the Left, Kinda Fun podcasts) Liturgical Reading: “Little Brother” Concluding Prayer Did you know we have an exclusive Discord channel just for congregants? Gain access at patreon.com/tsmbt
Jan 28, 2020
94. Dick Dvorak Bowls a Perfect Game
00:34:31
Yeah drink a brew, pop a mozz’ stick, and bowl yourself a handsome strike, you goof! This Story is about bowling and probably NOTHING else. Nope! Stop askin questions! Oh also?? Uh, yeah: we’re RICH. Invocation Petitions on Behalf of Wealthy Congregants Liturgical Reading: “Dick Dvorak Bowls a Perfect Game” Concluding Prayer Join our wealthy, ohh just swimmin in smackers church at patreon.com/tsmbt
Jan 14, 2020
A False Year's Bonus
00:18:07
Congregants gather and spit runny in your palms, because we got something you'll wanna grease up and hog down on. YEAH: a BONUS episode. Contained in this thoughtful bonus: Spider Bite Shake My Hand An Important Story About Marriage Featuring the Boy Next Tuesday, for patrons we will have a 522 Club episode, and will return the following week with a brand new Story. PLUMP.
Dec 31, 2019
93. More More More Christmas Heresies
00:29:00
False holiday alarm! Ring ring ralse! If this bell’s a-ringin’ then a Story is false. On this day, we arrive early, for no reason, only to give you extra time upon which to stew on these heresies true. STEW! Invocation Uncle Story Liturgical Reading: “More More More Christmas Heresies” Concluding Prayer A patreon has come to you, healthy and honest! Join the 522 Club and hear a new “podcast” Patreon.com/tsmbt
Dec 23, 2019
92. Hot Pics Wedding Rings OK - Guest Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski
00:42:23
Ohh send me a sexy pic, sexfriend. Heh heh, oh I’m a person alright, wink wink hush, a sexperson ready to sex, sex, sex! All I need is a lil ol thing called, um, your social security number ;) Guest: Chaplain Jackie Zebrowski (Get tickets for the Page 7/Wizard and the Bruiser live shows at www.lastpodcastnetwork.com/p7live) Patreon announcement Invocation Grease Fire! Liturgical Reading: “Hot Pics Wedding Rings OK” Concluding Prayer Ooh gander upon the Story symbol pin! The Cro-Croa mug! They are now available at www.topatoco.com/collections/tsmbt
Dec 10, 2019
91. Maps Of The North
00:35:14
A stranger is coming! When they confront you, will you endure or crumple? Heh heh, oh, congregant, the question was rhetorical! We all crumple before the stranger—when the stranger is the STORY. Invocation Psalm: “Four Showers” Liturgical Reading: “Maps of the North” Concluding Prayer A Story symbol pin! A Cro-Croa mug! Coming oh so soon. Await it here: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast
Nov 26, 2019
90. Family Union
00:37:53
Some families are small, some are swollen and grotesque. Some families have daddies, some have secrets. The Crispos invite you to learn about their aged clan—do you dare deny them? Invocation Testimonial: The Dream of Sister Callista Liturgical Reading: “Family Union” Concluding Prayer We have merch and more is on the way. Check it truly here: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast
Nov 12, 2019
89. The Forgotten Man
00:35:44
Forget your mom! Forget your dad! Forget your siblings! Forget everything if it means remembering the Story. Forget your own dang self, heck, see if the Story cares. The Story cares about you only if you LOVE the Story to your own ruin. It is NOT a dick move. Invocation The Matter of Chalms’ Disappearance Liturgical Reading: “The Forgotten Man” A Baptism VIDEOS. Yes! VIDEOS! Watch: youtube.com/thestorymustbetold
Oct 29, 2019
88. The Passage Of Memory
00:35:51
Our families fade from us. It is an effort to keep them by our side. The Story knows how our minds slip and slosh! Anyhowwww, today is Devon’s birthday, and we threw a special service just for him. He is our groundskeeper, and a pathetic man. Forgive us for including him. Invocation Devon’s Birthday Memories Liturgical Reading: “The Passage of Memory” The Matter of Chalms’ Identity We have videos! Oh so many for your eyes and gentle mouths. Watch here: youtube.com/thestorymustbetold
Oct 15, 2019
87. He Thinks He’s Sklorripu - Guest Preacher Holden McNeely
00:32:25
Bury a bone in the flesh matrix. Bark, growl, and yip, ya goof! Pet ownership is difficult, but so is pet personship. If you—even for a second—think this is supposed to be funny, you can trot off to a euthanasiarium, cuz this one is SERIOUS. Guest Preacher Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser & Page 7 podcasts, holdenatorsho on Twitch) Invocation Waxy Slime Liturgical Reading: “He Thinks He’s Sklorripu” Concluding Metamorphosis Swell on it wholesale. Plump on the newest video at youtube.com/thestorymustbetold
Oct 01, 2019
86. The Swollen Mouth of Family
00:31:08
Gums of pink, are gonna stink / Gums of red, are fonts of dread. Teeth are unwelcome in our parish! Yet, hygiene is a virtue. Ohh, we’re complicated—no easy answers in the Story! You must yeeeearn. Invocation The Washing of Chalms Liturgical Reading: “The Swollen Mouth of Family” Concluding Prayer Grease unto thee. Be sure to check out the newest video on youtube.com/thestorymustbetold
Sep 17, 2019
85. Cardinal Ed Larson in "Took'd"
00:34:21
Beloved guest preacher and devoted congregant Cardinal Ed Larson returns to tell us the Story of his latest tale of derring-do. With guest appearances from Meryl Streep, Kevin James, Dax Shepard and MIKE MYERS*. Guest Preacher: Ed Larson (Podcast: The Brighter Side, Historical Roasts with Jeff Ross, Thick Skin with Jeff Ross, Roundtable of Gentlemen) Invocation Chalms is teething! Cardinal Ed Larson in Took'd! Concluding Prayer We have some real hotty totty videos coming out. The newest one will drop on Thursday UH HUHHHH. * All celebrity voices impersonated flawlessly.
Sep 03, 2019
A Message To The Congregation
00:04:46
In place of Its traditional Service, the Story has an important announcement for the congregation. The Story is bold, mysterious and greasy. Might we endure Its proclamation with fear and greasy jubilation.
Aug 27, 2019
84. The Object Therapist - Guest Preacher Katie Hartman
00:32:41
Kitchen appliances hate you. Your microwave talks behind your back, and your blender blends only spite. We all have emotional mixups, and that includes the less conventionally sentient. Guest Preacher: Katie Hartman (“The Week Of” on Netflix, Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting) Invocation Psalm: “Pain Cereal” Liturgical Reading: “The Object Therapist” Concluding Prayer We love you. We beg the Story to treat you right. Heh heh, we’ll see if It listens.
Aug 20, 2019
83. Come On Ride A Train
00:17:15
Chugga chugga chugga chugga, choo choo. Choo choo Story chugga chugga choo CHOO! Story chugga choo, Story chugga chugga. Train whistle! Train whistle, Story! Heh, chugga choooo. Invocation The Rite of the Blessing Hose Liturgical Reading: “Come on Ride a Train” Concluding Prayer This is likely the last of our refurbished Stories from the apocrypha of season 1. Embrace it like your son returned to you after six years exile. Next week, we’ll have something sweet and new, ooh, and your son will leave you again.
Aug 13, 2019
82. Last Impressions - Guest Preacher Henry Zebrowski
00:23:35
Anyone could be you. You are a buncha bodily tics and vocal inflections. A rude friend or knowing coworker could rip you apart to everyone’s amusement, you bet. Could rip you up like deli cuts of ham, heh heh. Guest Preacher: Henry Zebrowski (Last Podcast on the Left, Your Pretty Face is Going to Hell) Invocation Impressions of the Clergy Liturgical Reading: “Last Impressions” Concluding Prayer Next week we got something spicy, and it’ll get you grinning, most like.
Aug 06, 2019
81. The Auction
00:22:37
What is your most prized possession? Did you say, “The Story?” WRONG. You cannot own the Story. Did you say, “I dunno, grease?” WRONG. Grease is purely transactional, and cannot be accrued. Did you say, “The B**?” Heh heh, ohhh triiiicky. Enjoy this Story from the vault of Season One, and sup proper on our congealing truth. Invocation Cooking with the Story Liturgical Reading: “The Auction” Tasting We return next week with a hot truth ready to blister in your sweet mouth.
Jul 30, 2019
80. The Famous Man - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski
00:30:48
I remember your face. Yes, those fine lines, the scar, the dead tooth, the way your eyes go dead at the word “Story.” Here, we all know your face. Here, we’ve waited, eager for your arrival. We know you more than you know yourself. Let us guide you. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Petitions for a Gooey Congregation Liturgical Reading: “The Famous Man” Concluding Prayer Don’t forget to punish yourself. For what? Oh, congregant, you know. YOU know.
Jul 23, 2019
79. How Do You Torture It? - Guest Preacher Ashley Brooke Roberts
00:32:44
Witness a laboratory of pain! Enjoy the wracking breaths of mechanical life! Grin at the abasements, or perhaps, shed a salty tear. Nothing unites us like pain, especially when it’s for another. Guest Preacher: Ashley Brooke Roberts (@AshleyBRoberts, the Reality Blows podcast) Invocation A Surprise for a Lost Woman Liturgical Reading: “How Do You Torture It?” Concluding Prayer The Story is hiding inside you. Take a spoon and find it!
Jul 16, 2019
78. There When You Need Me
00:21:34
When the sick have fallen, do you bend your sweet lil knee? Oooh, do you squat those hams, look your sweaty neighbor in the eye and say, "You alright, my good friend?" Yeah yeah, don't tell me your secrets, no no, keep that to yourself. Listen righteously, because this one "happened." Invocation Demonstration of A Novel Life Saving Technique/GreaCR Liturgical Reading: “There When You Need Me” Concluding Prayer No! I said, "don't tell me your secrets!" Well, that does it. Yeah, I didn't want to know your secrets, but now I do. Yep, heh heh, every gosh darn one. Now you have to come back. Otherwise I'll tell Uncle Garnns what you did to his cherry tomatoes one after another after ANOTHER.
Jul 09, 2019
77. After The Attack
00:29:46
We collected signatures to change the name of New York City to “Storytown USA.” The governor saw our thousands of signatures, frowned, bent over, and licked the paper until he consumed every one. “Your names are mine!” He grinned, tongue black as ink. This Story is what happens to your city when you deny it the STORY. Featuring: Ashley Brooke Roberts (@AshleyBRoberts, the Reality Blows podcast) Invocation MORE Petitions for Chalms Liturgical Reading: “After the Attack” Concluding Prayer In exactly seven days, if you hear the Story again, the Story will bless you and fondle your ancestors with the smooth touch of Story.
Jul 02, 2019
76. Burying
00:17:27
Unsolicited acts of violence are the yeast that makes the doughy truth of Story rise, overfill Its pan, and crisp on the oven floor. Bash! Ungh! Guuugh. Yeah, sometimes these Stories get grisly, and when they do, we just gotta shake our heads and whisper, “ohhhh.” Enjoy this tender tale of friendship to which we can allllll relate. Invocation Psalm: “A Sack Full of Batteries” Liturgical Reading: “Burying” Concluding Prayer Next week we return with a brand new Story for you to swallow, dissolve, and absorb.
Jun 25, 2019
74. Goats and Sheep
00:18:14
Yeah this one’s for Chalms. That sweet tot, so sickly, so goo goo gooey. We found him in a tree! Reflect, as Chalms must, on the end of all days, when the good are divided from the evil. Witness as the false Story some call “Lord” does their regular spring cleaning of humanity. Invocation Petitions for Chalms Liturgical Reading: “Goats and Sheep” Concluding Prayer Yes yes, this week’s Story comes from our season one archives. Next week will be the same, then we return fresh, rested, and eager to instruct our congregants.
Jun 18, 2019
73. Grunster and the Gruntmunks
00:28:22
Children are produced by squishes and sweat. A Gruntmunk is not so different, except unlike a child, it SINGS. May we all become Gruntmunks, those cherubs of pop music and the forebears of the Story. Invocation Psalm: “Eighteen Dog Bird Hogs ” Liturgical Reading: “Grunster and the Gruntmunks” Concluding Prayer Next week we will witness the Story together, and if you blink we’ll get MAD at you.
Jun 11, 2019
72. The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 2 - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowksi
00:30:46
Larvae grow up, sniff sniff, and they change! Mutation and abomination is built into the lifespan of the insect, phases of unconscionable puberty inflicted on the lil bug, boo hoo. Shed a tear for the beetles, for they know tragedy. This is a Part 2. The Story forbids listen unless you did your Story duty with Part 1. Yeah, we PUNISH in this church. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Psalm: “Big Sassy Kitty” Liturgical Reading: “The Smallest Beetle OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 2” Concluding Prayer Our bugtruth complete, may we now go out to our communities and bring our insectoid neighbors IN. Next week we’ll have something fresh and stupid for you.
Jun 04, 2019
71. The Smallest Beetle, OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 1 - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowksi
00:31:10
When humanity is gone, the world will have a good laugh, comb its balding scalp, and ‘get back to it.’ What will the remaining species think of us, and what might they build in our shadow? The following Story is no Story at all, but a documentary that simply hasn’t happened yet! Yeah, this one is all true, yeah, this is a goddamn prophecy, a prophecy about BUGS. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Psalm: “I Have Decided to Live in Filth” Liturgical Reading: “The Smallest Beetle OR: Brutal Beetle Beatdown Part 1” Concluding Prayer Part 2 of this hissing, clicking Story will arrive next week and incapacitate you with its wholesome truth.
May 28, 2019
70. Iron Churnsly - Guest Preacher Jake Young
00:30:19
Copper! Aluminum! Iron! These are METALS. We are made out of some of them, but only in pathetic, insulting quantities. We hardly register to magnets, and our capacity to conduct is negligible! May we scorn flesh, and praise metal! METAL—the most cost-effective conduit of Story proper. Guest Preacher: Jake Young (Wizard and the Bruiser podcast, Cartoon Hell on dropout.tv, @bestjakeyoung) Invocation Psalm: “Greasy” Liturgical Reading: “Iron Churnsly” Concluding Prayer Next Tuesday will be the day the Story finds you and finally robs you of your will to resist the Story.
May 21, 2019
69. Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One
00:28:55
The whole world blooms with seeds, but some seeds are unknown, some pollens unnatural—what is sown surprises. We welcome all unknowns, because when they spell out our demise, they use novel letters and innovative techniques. We can learn from a grisly undoing done cleverly, but what we cannot learn is to not be undone. Darn! Invocation Psalm: “Hungry Man Dinner” Liturgical Reading: “Fun Boy Limited Party Travel Number One” Concluding Prayer Return to us Tuesday and the Story will be waiting for you.
May 14, 2019
68. When You Watch Me
00:28:16
This one is for you, in all your greasy splendor. Do you like it when I talk about your greases? Heh heh, yeah, that's what I thought. Ooh, you better listen to this one, because you're a part of it, and soon, it will be all you remember. Invocation Psalm: “How to Swallow Loose Change for the Story” Liturgical Reading: “When You Watch Me" Concluding Prayer We return on Tuesdays, Tuesday-style, and this next Tuesday will be no exception—OK?
May 07, 2019
67. Hoofs And Feet
00:28:29
A barnyard animal makes barnyard noises and behaves as though all the world, the very universe, is a barnyard. They kick up mud, and make a toilet of any dang carpet. We can learn gentle grace from our barnyard companions! We can learn to “take it easy,” and make our puddle wherever we do choose. Oh Story! Thank you for your profound examples to us, the congregation. Invocation Psalm: “Cory Had a Little Lamb” Liturgical Reading: “Hoofs and Feet” Concluding Prayer Tuesday is the day the Story comes to life, groans sweetly, and crawls inside your ear. It’ll happen to you next Tuesday, squirm-style.
Apr 30, 2019
66. The New Consciousness in Town
00:28:50
Few people die while waiting for an oil change. This Story seeks to change that. What better time to lay down and offer oneself to the Story than while your Oldsmobile undergoes a transformation from car sickly to car pure and fresh? Some of you might remember this Story from our lost, forgotten, “first season,” and it has returned to you like an obedient pup. Plump upon it, this episode of bonus Story truth. Invocation Psalm: “Drip” Liturgical Reading: “The New Consciousness in Town” Concluding Prayer On Tuesday, we will be right and proper for you, dripping in the grease of Story profound.
Apr 26, 2019
65. Goodbye Hirsutaline
00:24:58
Shh! Listen quietly! Ears listen, and someone is out there, aiming to take the Story down. Keep the Story inside you, like swallowing a big chunky pill called “Story.” Some pills are easy to swallow, but this one might catch inside you, or smear your greases with unknown side effects. Rub your tum, eat a cracker, and hold tight as we figure this alllll out. Invocation Psalm: “New Hair” Liturgical Reading: “Goodbye Hirsutaline” Concluding Prayer Let’s promise each other, if we make it through this, we’ll meet here, in this same spot, for another Story pure. I love you.
Apr 23, 2019
64. The Third Sermon of Cardinal Larson: Cardinal Larson in “Quick and Furious”
00:29:50
Cardinal Larson is full of the Story’s writhing vigor, yet he thirsts! Even those bursting with the Story’s hefty goodness still demand a tangy Cro-Croa. But when shipments of the Story’s fizzy truth go missing, what is a Cardinal to do? Listen here, you hot shit, and plump on this here tale of deceit, classic Italian dishes, and Story pure. Guest Preacher: Ed Larson (Brighter Side podcast) Invocation Psalm: “Look Out Corpse Doctor” The Third Sermon of Cardinal Larson: Cardinal Larson in “Quick and Furious” Concluding Prayer Tuesday will come around again, like a goddamn rash. Don’t use lotion!
Apr 16, 2019
63. The Interceptor Part II
00:26:31
"The Story teased us true, teased us to deplete / If you only heard part 1, you knew Story incomplete." That’s a little couplet about the ignorance of even THINKING you could handle part 2 of a Story profound without a part 1 first, yeah, you betcha. Here, we indulge in the conclusion of The Interceptor, and meditate on this truth: what does it take for the Story to make you happy? Invocation Psalm: “A Doo Ra Ree” Liturgical Reading: “The Interceptor Part II” Concluding Prayer Next Tuesday the Story will find out where you live and visit you STORYSTYLE. A new shirt is for sale! Cro-Croa can now engulf you proper: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast/products/lpn-ts-crocroa
Apr 09, 2019
62. The Interceptor Part I
00:27:41
The human head is an opaque aquarium within which rude fish do swim. A fish named “envy,” an eel named “fantasy,” a crab so gross it should not be named. Who would wish to swim these waters, knowing how easy it is to be bitten? Invocation Psalm: “Hardyy” Liturgical Reading: “The Interceptor Part 1” Concluding Prayer Join us next Tuesday for the joyous conclusion: The Interceptor Part 2. A new shirt is for sale, to Cro-Croa the Story all over thee: https://topatoco.com/collections/last-podcast/products/lpn-ts-crocroa
Apr 02, 2019
61. Flies!
00:26:27
Pardon our various infestations: ants, dogs, and wretchedness. Yes, the body of the church swarms with pestilence, but there is no cure. The best we can do is find good in the unwelcome, adapt our lives to enjoy nuisance. Invocation Psalm: “Not Tapioca” Liturgical Reading: “Flies!” Concluding Prayer Next week we return with a fresh truth for your truthflesh to truth upon.
Mar 26, 2019
60. They Made A Strange Love - Guest Preacher Joe Pera
00:21:29
Love is like the faint reek of urine: it’s in the air. Breathe deep, brothers and sisters, and welcome the Story’s acid love into your mush of bronchial tubes. Become hamburger for your partner, mush between their fingers, and gel between their toes. Love can mean a lot, but to the Story, it means becoming a fine human paste. Guest Preacher: Joe Pera (Joe Pera Talks with You, Dan Joe DVD Show) Invocation Psalm: “Rude Tattoos” Liturgical Reading: “They Made a Strange Love” Concluding Prayer Join us next week, or we’ll find you.
Mar 19, 2019
59. The Ballad Of Prepsa
00:18:25
Bubbles pop in my belly, a carbonated delight fizzles righteously. CRO-CROA. Mmm it goes down so smooth, and probably because it’s the only drink endorsed by the Story. So what then, does this mean of the “other drink” we refuse to name but must do so here? Yes. Yes: Prepsi. Listen and do discover, uh huh. For nothing righteous does fizzle from a liquid the Story denies. Invocation Introductory Story: “Goslings Gone Gooey” Liturgical Psalm: “The Ballad of Prepsa” Concluding Prayer We return to you the next week, and the week after that, and the week after that, until your bones are but calcified Story and your liquids but Hot Hot Cro-Croa.
Mar 12, 2019
58. New York City Girl
00:25:49
Tee hee hee, the Story has a Story planned for you. Rough mornings, rude meetings, bad days, and rotten weeks, the Story has orchestrated each and every one. Ask yourself: why does the Story demand such punishment? Will it ever relent? Then answer yourself with a giddy, shrieking: NO. Invocation Psalm: “Rocks, Rocks, Rocks” Liturgical Reading: “New York City Girl” The Secret Words of the Story Next week, oh next week, the Story will replace us again, and goo us up with unruly truth.
Mar 05, 2019
57. The Bear Musician - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks
00:19:57
The Story sloshed over the rim of the Story cup, and did spill one fresh for you. In this special bonus service, we witness a young Bruno, and his cowardice before the agony of Story. This Story originally appeared in "Creepypasta XIII: A Meat's Dream" on Last Podcast on the Left. We relive this Story—sup upon its eager drips! Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, Page 7) Invocation Psalm: “Check the Trunk” Liturgical Reading: “The Bear Musician” Concluding Prayer Enjoy this special treat of Story pure. We return on Tuesday with your regularly scheduled service, sweet sweet.
Mar 01, 2019
56. More More More More More More More Short Stories
00:23:41
These stories are like the screams from Purkley Katzman's gnashing mouth as the gears did their work upon him: short, savory, juice-juicy. We honor stories both short and long, but today we hold a special place for those truths that punish the ear quickly. Sup upon each, and yearn! Yearn! Invocation Psalm: “I'm a Gym Teacher” Liturgical Reading: “More More More More More More More Short Stories” Concluding Prayer The Story is ripe, and we chew it up and honk it down. Honk one with us next week as well, ooh ooh.
Feb 26, 2019
55. Ghosts Are Hazy Life
00:29:47
Life is a spectrum, full of mushy inbetweens only alive enough to know pain. Not everything which is dead was once alive, but all that lives, however minutely, does perish. Ha! Haha! The Story teaches us even full life is but half life, and half life is but a web of memories disappearing. Squint and you can see it, but how easily it is brushed to threads. So the Story sayeth: ooooooOOooooohhhhh. Invocation Psalm: “The Agony Table” Liturgical Reading: “Ghosts Are Hazy Life” Concluding Prayer Truths abound, Stories enflamed, we love the Story, we speak Its name. See your fresh greases next week squish squish.
Feb 19, 2019
54. Heart Of Worms
00:25:40
Say goodbye to who you used to be, because the Story will replace your eyes, your mind, and your heart. O Story! Hollow me out, dump the refuse in the shitter, and fill me up with the ignorant stranger of Story. I don’t want to recognize my family, nor my dog. But I will always recognize the Story—obedient and eternal. Invocation Psalm: “Come Get Your Casserole” Liturgical Reading: “Heart of Worms” Concluding Prayer Next week, oh next week, the Story will replace us again, and goo us up with unruly truth.
Feb 12, 2019
53. The Wind
00:25:20
Wooosh wooosh that’s the wind and it says, “I’m gonna getcha.” Oh, that nasty wind, always blowing foul tidings down our chimney, stirring ashes and breaking branches. Today, we read a Story about such a wind, and bow our heads in contrition so that it does not visit us. Invocation Psalm: “Seven Roys” Liturgical Reading: “The Wind” Concluding Prayer Next week we will return with a Story true, hearts a-bursting, bowels a-rattling.
Feb 05, 2019
52. The House Of Crispo Part 2
00:23:18
Brother Reid has recovered, though his mind is scrambled like a blood egg. He returns to finish the Story, and gulp of the Story’s fine juices. Boys grow disobedient, but the Story rectifies all trespasses through the purifying agony of Story. Story! Invocation Liturgical Reading: “The House of Crispo Part 2” Concluding Prayer We love you and enjoy your presence. Join us again next Tuesday, perhaps on Spotify if you’re naughty heh heh.
Jan 29, 2019
51. The House Of Crispo Part 1
00:22:12
Cherish the disobedient child. Cherish their ignorance. For only the rude and stupid can be enveloped into the heart of the Story. It is our duty to bring new, empty minds to the Story, to our homes, so it may fill them with the light of Story. Oh Story! May we harvest a human crop for you. Invocation Psalm: “The Light of the Father” Liturgical Reading: “The House of Crispo Part 1” Concluding Prayer Next Tuesday we return. Next Tuesday, we finish this. Check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy” https://vimeo.com/226796022 Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service: https://vimeo.com/297286015
Jan 22, 2019
50. The Son Of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds
00:22:37
I’ll make you my son if you don’t behave, and you won’t like what happens to my sons. Ohh they do ALL of daddy’s chores, and of mommy they must anoint. It’s a threat, and it’s TRUE, whether you are mother, aunt, or nephew, you’ll all suffer as sons. This Story is a testament to how easily a son is named and exchanged, and how all sons grow inconvenienced on the turbulent winds of discourse. Invocation Psalm: “Anointed in Yoghurt” Liturgical Reading: “The Son of God Dies from Multiple Stab Wounds” Concluding Prayer Next Tuesday is a day for treats, as the Story is once again gooily invoked. Check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy” https://vimeo.com/226796022 Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service: https://vimeo.com/297286015
Jan 15, 2019
49. Farm Fresh - Guest Preacher Jared Logan
00:21:37
The uterus should be called “the Story box” because it is where all our Stories begin! Nothing invigorates the Story like the squeals of an infant in the wet folds of a mother, or better yet, two infants, or three or four! Today, we hear the Story of a man who becomes mother, whose Story box writhed with Stories blessed. Guest Preacher: Jared Logan (@JaredLogan) Invocation Psalm: “Cornshit” Liturgical Reading: “Farm Fresh” Concluding Prayer Hoo hoo, hee hee, the Story dies and the story breathes. Next Tuesday, it will gunk us full of a new truth. Don’t forget to check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy” https://vimeo.com/226796022 Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service: https://vimeo.com/297286015
Jan 08, 2019
48. Overheard At The Party
00:21:32
Many of you attended parties recently, to ring in a false year endorsed by no Story but by the liar we call “Calendar.” Do not congregate, least of all for the ringing of a false bell. For, by attending any gathering the Story does not endorse, you fall prey to every rude temptation! Illicit wares, rowdy conversation, and sounds you cannot unhear. Stay home, warm yourself with but the Story, and abandon any friend the Story does not already claim. Invocation Psalm: “A Thing Going ‘Round” Liturgical Reading: “Overheard at the Party” Concluding Prayer This Story had to be told, and next week another will beg for similar justice. Ohhh, we cannot deny you. Don’t forget to check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy” https://vimeo.com/226796022 Or see it as part of a live TSMBT service: https://vimeo.com/297286015
Jan 02, 2019
A Statement Concerning Christmas
00:24:37
The Story rejects Christmas because Christmas rejects the Story. Do not let anything into your hearts that is not the Story! That's a sure way to heart-rot, and I wouldn't lie to you. In protest to this corrupt season, we give but one gift: the gift of the STORY. We performed our first live service for a congregation in Brooklyn this past October, and today, we share the full video of that service. Along with that, please enjoy heretical Christmas music, laced with the sounds of war. A link to this service: https://vimeo.com/297286015 Introductory Words Invocation of Saint Arlenia Redworm Video Testimonial 1 Psalm: "Mouth of Foam" Video Testimonial 2 Confession: Jessica's Story Video Testimonial 3 Introduction: Steve and Brandy The Story: The Dog, The Boy Closing Prayer We return next Tuesday with a service corrupted not by this foul season, but blessed with the spirit of the new year.
Dec 25, 2018
Bonus Episode: The Stories of Heretical Christmas
00:24:34
Our hearts are burdened with love for you, our dear congregation. Our arteries are full of well wishes! Our veins are clogged with oxygen-depleted wishes. We are a chugging machine whose only duty is to love you and make you feel the seasonal spirit of the Story. That said, Christmas is a lie. Reject falsehood. Embrace the Story! Invocation Liturgical Reading: "The Wisest of the Them All" Liturgical Reading: "He's Coming to Town" Enjoy this present from the clergy here at The Story Must Be Told, of our heretical stories of the false holiday. We gave it to you last year, too. We will have another treat for you this coming Tuesday, so prepare yon bodies for the delights they shall endure.
Dec 21, 2018
47. We Wish You Were A Worm
00:25:53
Dirt is a home for those who eat dirt, who take long naps in dirt, and mate, sloppy, in the dirt. As our bodies fall apart and our guts squish with painful gases, remember the dirt, a healthy place you will one day go. Have you considered how happy it will make your family? Invocation Psalm: “Rodney Has Sores” Liturgical Reading: “We Wish You Were a Worm” Concluding Prayer The Story is born on a Tuesday, every Tuesday, and you better believe the next birth will be messsssssy. Don’t forget to check out our new short film, “The Dog the Boy” @tsmbtpod or our SoundCloud.
Dec 18, 2018
46. The Mathematics Of Grocery Stores
00:26:52
The grocer is our friend in commerce and our enemy in the Story. We do not deserve options for cereal, nor variety in our nut butters, whole wheat crackers, and lunchmeat. Give us but one choice, so that we might smack it up in our greedy mouths, and masticate masticate masticate. Hmmph. The Story alone is our satisfaction, and when food runs out, which it will, it alone will fill us. Invocation Psalm: “Web of Delights” Liturgical Reading: “The Mathematics of Grocery Stores” Concluding Admonition The Story will return to you next week, hot as a ham, juicy as a coldcut. Sup sup!
Dec 11, 2018
45. It's My Right
00:24:47
Every show on TV is sinful, shameful, and lacking in the Story. Does society and mainstream media intentionally shun the Story and its truths, or is it simply blind? The result is the same: the Story denies you. Listen as the Story denies our own congregant, Devon Harris, his simple joys, body, and sustenance. Listen, and learn this lesson: even at our lowest, the Story is yet waiting. Invocation Testimony: Devon Harris, divorcee Liturgical Reading: “It’s My Right” Concluding Sacrament Spitting Next week the Story will be waiting, for it exists in all weeks, outside of weeks—the Story is the week itself.
Dec 04, 2018
44. Gone And Still Here
00:24:20
The songs I hear on the radio talk to me, and what they say no one should hear. Everything talks. The city breathes and sighs, and the fields caw and cry. Every creature makes sound, but not all are heard. Sometimes, a voice is lost, muffled, suffocated. Silence is proof of immeasurable loss. Invocation Psalm: “A Father’s Deception” Liturgical Reading: “Gone and Still Here” Concluding Prayer Poke your fingers into your ears and wiggle wiggle till you can’t hear no more. Scritch scritch! Seeyasweets Tuesday, hmm.
Nov 28, 2018
43. An Intruder Intrudes
00:27:26
Look out! You can’t lock the door! Nothing stops this stranger, and gosh, that’s the rough stuff about it, when you get down to the Story’s bitter truth. Love your loved ones, because tomorrow, by the Story’s fickle whims, you may not love them anymore. One day, you may wake up, and only love puzzles, and that’s who you are now. Oh, what sinister winds the Story blows this week. Wear a hat! Invocation Psalm: “Brain Meat, Brain Meat” Liturgical Reading: “An Intruder Intrudes” Concluding Prayer Tuesday is the day the Story has set aside for us. If you don’t love the Story on a Tuesday you might as well never love again.
Nov 20, 2018
42. A Thunderstorm In There
00:27:23
“Brain meat, brain juice / Slice the scalp, and let it loose.” That’s a psalm by good ol’ Saint Chunkworm, about that unsatisfactory organ cramping our skulls. Nothing up there to care for, so the Story tells us. Drink a brew, smoke a stink, do what you can, so your brain won’t think. Heh, that’s a psalm by me! Gosh, what a special time we share together. Invocation Psalm: “Jeff’s Disobedient Arms” Liturgical Reading: “A Thunderstorm in There” Concluding Prayer When Tuesday arrives again, so too will the Story. The Story’s just a lil Tuesday Baby, grinnin up at ya, droolin, goobin, just ready to rend you apart.
Nov 13, 2018
41. The Bird That Learned About Weekends
00:25:29
On Saturdays, I make love to leisure. On Sundays, I caress the gentle, sweaty folds of relaxation. Yes, we’re all lovers of “time off,” but we never think to question the unholy rhythm it creates—a cessation of nature’s beating heart. The Story tells us clearly: to stratify the days into rude geometries is a sin demanding the utmost punishment. The Story will cut off the feet of any weekend warrior, consume the hands of any weekday apologist. Invocation Psalm: “Daddy, the Fuckman” Liturgical Reading: “The Bird That Learned About Weekends” Concluding Prayer Next Tuesday we will be here for you and we will never leave you ever ever ever. The Story is the only source of good in the world, and the only happy truth in a world of uh ohs and nuh uhs.
Nov 06, 2018
40. Brothers
00:21:54
The “family tree” is an invasive species, a plant of the damned. It robs nutrients, hoards genetics, and drops human apples of flesh and parasites to spoil the ground. Cut the tree down! Axe it into planks, so it may become something useful: a boat, a shelf, or ooh, maybe a coffin. All families are false Stories, so deny, deny, deny! Description: Invocation Psalm: “Cul de Sac” Liturgical Reading: “Brothers” Concluding Prayer Join us next Tuesday, and we’ll join you, wriggle into your ears, and plump in your belly like a damn Story sausage.
Oct 30, 2018
39. The Book Of Melody - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski
00:23:34
Oh, this bod bursts with song! I am a husk for tasty tunes, a chrysalis for zesty rhythms. What worse is there then, than talent wasted? Imagine a sweet baby that learned to juggle, or a dog that learned to speak. If any creature on The Story’s earth were to impede such expression, would not we all demand their squishy demise? Yes, yes, yes, even if it were the babe or pup themselves. Let that song loose! Write that dirge! Juggle that knife! The Story demands it. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7 podcast, IG: @jackthatworm) Invocation Psalm: “Tot Scramble” Liturgical Reading: “The Book of Melody” Concluding Prayer We have a fresh Story next week, and it’ll unsettle thee proper uh huh.
Oct 23, 2018
38. The Realtor
00:14:07
The Story gives us our homes and today it takes one away. A home is but a house without the Story stirring within—do not think you control this process for even a goddamn second. Go ahead, make meals, make stinks, make squirts, and sire children in your house. It’ll be nothing more than a Squirt Tomb, a Stink Den, a Meal Prison, a Gamete Shack without the caress of the Story. Try to find happiness any other way and you’ll find such folly lacking. Lacking! Lacking! Invocation Sacrament: The Story Claims a Home Liturgical Reading: “The Realtor” Concluding Prayer Thank you for enduring—oh Story you endured!—these reimagined truths from our first season. Our first live show is behind us. We have been reborn in the Story’s graces. Thus, starting next week, we will have a bounty of fresh Stories to enjoy, dear congregant. We love you as the Story loves you.
Oct 16, 2018
37. The Boys Open
00:17:41
Two boys in the courthouse. Two boys with the clerk. Two boys in the swimming pool. Two boys out to work. Gosh, all those boys! Of course, sometimes one slides under the tractor, turns to boyslaw. Can’t help that! Oh, how the boys leave us, in their great numbers, to writhe their puny sinnin’ souls in Boyrgatory. This treat from our first season will grin sweetly in your ears as we wrench ourselves gruesome on the needy gears of our Live Show, which we birth this Thursday. Goo goo, slick slick. Invocation Sacrament: The Blessing of the Boys Liturgical Reading: “The Boys Open” Concluding Prayer That gooey live show truth is arriving oh so damn shortly. Videology Bar in Brooklyn, October 11th. Tickets here: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/
Oct 09, 2018
36. Hard At Work
00:19:07
Labor is its own reward if what you labor to produce is candy, money, or frothy milk. Otherwise, labor is no reward at all—it is a curse! Beseech the Story that your labor is not so laborious, and that one way or another, your labor will end. Heh, not that the Story cares what you want. That tricky Story! Invocation Psalm: “Dancing, Dancing, Danced” Liturgical Reading: “Hard at Work” Concluding Prayer Our glorious live show will squirm int this world in Brooklyn, October 11th. Tickets here: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/
Oct 02, 2018
35. The Unruly Teen's Display
00:21:26
Healthy teens, good teens, sinful teens, teens of virtue. There used to be so many kinds of teens! Today we remember them. Burn a candle, pour a drink, smoke a smoke and cry a cry for us, the post-teen society. This truth from our first season has been reborn in the Story’s frothy goodness, a respite as we prepare yon live show. Invocation The Names of Teens Liturgical Reading: “The Unruly Teen’s Display” Concluding Prayer We’re doing a wholesome, virtuous live show in Brooklyn October 11th. Tickets here: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com/
Sep 25, 2018
34. The Pilot
00:17:25
If you are currently picking a car for your family, we at the Church of the Story can only make this recommendation: consider the minivan. Nothing like a minivan to swell one’s heart, transport one’s family, and doom, doom, DOOM one to fiery embers. Today, as we toil diligently on our upcoming live show, we share with yon faithful one of our favorite Stories from our first season, reborn in gooey ecstasy for your cauliflowered ears. Invocation Psalm: “Dig To Find Your True Self” Liturgical Reading: “The Pilot” Concluding Prayer and Getaway Raffle Alright, heh heh, here’s that link to tickets. Pucker up them smackers for the truth of the Story: https://thestorymustbetoldlive.eventbrite.com
Sep 18, 2018
33. Pretty Machines
00:24:12
Electronics are our friends, and sometimes our sticky neighbors. Some electronics aid, and some deny, some tend to relationships, and others still play card games on digital screens. What novelty! Yet also: what cruelty to such incipient intelligence. Shame! Shame all around! Invocation A Healing of Ill Consumer Electronics Liturgical Reading: “Pretty Machines” Concluding Prayer You shouldn’t throw batteries away. Hold onto ‘em. Store ‘em under the sink in a plastic bottle. Wait till it’s full. Take it to the farm. Bury it. In ten years all them batteries will be full charge, ready for diskboys and vibrate-friends.
Sep 11, 2018
32. The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved
00:20:43
It’s mighty tempting to stick one’s nose in a neighbor’s business. I myself have been guilty of sullying my neighbors’ lives with my hubris. Well here’s a lesson for you: the Story takes an interest in none of us. It has no scorn, and it has no favor. Yet, the Story plies our lives in abundance. We are the clay before a blind potter, hot on pot fever. Heed the Story: stay out of the way! Go on! Get! Invocation A Special Message From Our Sponsors at Cro-Croa Liturgical Reading: “The Horseman, Or: Stay Uninvolved” Concluding Prayer I rode a horse once that was angry as all hell. Buckin and screamin and full of hot piss and rubber’s blood. She sang a song, a creaking melody tarnished by time called “She’ll Be Comin’ 'Round the Mountain.” She ate quarters, and shit nothin at all. Goodbye, horse!
Sep 04, 2018
31. Rugged Boy Fancy Kit
00:19:38
Oh, you can’t hide from the Story. The Story finds us in cars, in hospitals, in our cousin’s bathroom and on air-o-planes. The Story finds us, traps us, advances until we’re scared in the corner with a knife in our hand, and then—and ONLY then—does it spread its glimmering grin upon us. Just pray it is the Story you love, and not a false, consumer god, for our Story lasts longer than plastic and pleases better than ANY cream. Invocation Sacrament: Confession Liturgical Reading: “Rugged Boy Fancy Kit” Concluding Prayer Huff yon lungs gentle until our next Tuesday glory, lest they pop on the Story’s sinister wind.
Aug 28, 2018
30. Magic Mary and Freddie Fox Go To Magic Town - Guest Preacher Katie Hartman
00:22:03
Gather your children, all the ones you care to, for our service. The Story will invoke in them the rigor of the student, the angst of the sergeant, the filth of the drifter, and the scar of the unrepentant. The Story’s got warnings, children, but also: discipline. And scorn! Grow up! Hurry! Before the good gettings all got! Guest Preacher: Katie Hartman (Skinny Bitch Jesus Meeting, The Week Of) Invocation Psalm: “Ghost Love/Ghost Love 2” Liturgical Reading: “Magic Mary And Freddy Fox Go To Magic Town” Concluding Prayer We have beauties ahead, and glories abound. Our flock it gathers.
Aug 21, 2018
29. The Chimera's Nest
00:29:22
Welcome to our cleansing fire, congregant. Go ahead and toss your squirming bundle onto the pyre if you like—if you’re listening from home, add it to your own fire. O! that char gets the nose tingling. O! how it envigors the soul. We all must be tamed by Story, and if we cannot, must perish in the Church’s hearth for our disobedience. Tell me: what is your shame? Invocation Song: “Flapping Bird” Liturgical Reading: “The Chimera’s Nest” Concluding Prayer We will return next week, cleansed of our unruly animals and congregants. Heh, maybe we’ll have a few extra seats in the pews.
Aug 14, 2018
28. The Boat That Went To Hell - Guest Preacher Marcus Parks
00:28:24
All kinds of boats out there, with funny names, too. Brigantine. Schooner. Paddle. In a way, this here church is a boat, and each of you a mate upon its deck. Swab it, dear congregation, to earn your place in the captain’s chambers amidst the dribbling candles and ill-gotten liquors. Do not drink too much, for the captain is one of lechery, and our destination one of sin and tears. Guest Preacher: Marcus Parks (Last Podcast on the Left, Page 7) Invocation Psalm: “Secrets to Sailors” Liturgical Reading: “The Boat That Went To Hell” Concluding Prayer Yep yep we gobbled that story down like a pastry of vice n uh ohs. What sweet it hath delected upon us, we unfaithful masses, who stir with what the Story hath sired.
Aug 07, 2018
27. Oh, Poor Dennis!
00:24:23
Parishioner Chet Ulcers told me a story, and I can’t help but relate it to today’s service. He said he saw his wife at the movies last week. Well, she wasn’t in the seat next to him. She wasn’t in the lobby. Course, for as long as she’d been dead, she shouldn’t have been anywhere. He saw her on the screen—big as a row boat. She was in the back of a Cro-Croa ad, dressed the way Chet said she was buried. Heh, she didn’t smile, heh he, but she sure waved. Invocation Psalm: “A Pestilence of Babies” Liturgical Reading: “Oh Poor Dennis” Concluding Prayer Everyone wrote a poem last week, and we said we’d pick our favorite one for this week’s bulletin. The winning poem was written by eight-year-old Jeck Hefthocks, and it goes like this: Can’t rub life / into a dead cat / unless thems the hands / that snuffed it. Uh oh, he’s a tricksterrr.
Jul 31, 2018
26. Who Is Your Milky Boy? - Guest Preacher Danny Tamberelli
00:14:32
It ain’t easy to sire a child with spoiled milk, nuh uh. Stretch on some gloves, milk yon squirters into an old Cro-Croa bottle, and bring yon pride to our collection. We have bottles dappled with sweat, others hot as irons, and some just fulla dregs—pathetic milks I hate to say. What of your milk? Drop a drip, and let us inspect. Guest preacher: Brother Daniel Tamborelli (Danny and Mike podcast, Jounce) Invocation Psalm: “Restaurant Milk” Liturgical Reading: “Who Is Your Milky Boy?” Concluding Prayer Hoo hoo, I been cutting out the prettiest faces I’ve seen in magazines and now I have an envelope full of beauty. Gonna leave their grinning faces in milk overnight, and eat it like curdles in the morning. I will be full of yon soggy beauts come noon.
Jul 24, 2018
25. An Awaited Transformation
00:22:56
Sister Callista is a cherub-throated truth-slinger, and she slings it hard n soupy uh huh. There’s truths about Grandmas the Story wants you to know. You better keep them waxy caverns open, so the Story might sluice through yon meat, and transform ye into the acolyte the Story demands. Take a tract, and bend yon knee. Invocation Psalm: “Lil Dog-Fresh” Liturgical Reading: “An Awaited Transformation” Concluding Prayer I saw a grandpa in my dreams and he was a crusty yuckyuck, hairless as a piglet and smaller than a wheelchair. Heh, you wouldn’t believe that grin, when I shared my truth with sprays of oralingus divine.
Jul 17, 2018
24. More More More More More Short Stories
00:18:02
Purkley Katzman died in an industrial accident. Got peeled like a dang grape by one of them machines used to stretch leather. Big juicy mess—everyone had a taste. Anyhow, he ain't here for short stories anymore, but you're in luck: Klipplinghands Greasythoughts is his virtuous son. Sniff up these shorts, then pass out from brain-asphyxiation, in the words of our dear STORY. Invocation Psalm: “Coat Closet Stink” Liturgical Reading: “More More More More More Short Stories” Concluding Prayer Ooh ouch ouch, somethin in my bladder is pinching. Might be all them ants I let crawl up my urethra. Stings? Sure. But, hey, at least I'm never alone.
Jul 10, 2018
23. When Dominoes Pizza Let A Teen Die - Guest Preacher Holden McNeely
00:23:11
Wear that grin between grease-soaked lips and chew the curds of delights digested. Let the bolus yon esophagus squelches die within ye, turn to dribbling juices and bubbles of harsh swampen gases. We are bodies, hosts of parasites, tombs of delivery morsels, avatars of corporate wisdom. Listen closely to Reverend Holden, mm hmm. Follow his words, and pick a brand with consideration; it may be the only brand you’ll pick again. Guest Preacher: Reverend Holden McNeely (Wizard and the Bruiser podcast, holdenatorsho on Twitch) Invocation Psalm: “Pizza Party Ire” Liturgical Reading: “When Dominoes Pizza Let a Teen Die” Concluding Prayer Guess it should be said that all characters and events in this story, even the ones based on real breathing gooey companies, are fictional. Though, c’mon, it’s probably not that fictional, right? Maybe a grease of truth dripped somewhere within? Hey. Don’t sue.
Jul 03, 2018
22. Petitions To The Darkness
00:14:39
In the Story we are each victor and we are each prophet. In the Story we are used and abandoned, bankrupt and shallow. Ohh the Story will find you. The Story will know you. In your happiest moment, the Story will decide, uh huh oh no that rascaaal. Invocation Psalm: “Rotten Mary” Liturgical Reading: “Petitions To The Darkness” Concluding Prayer Story, please help me. Oh yeah help me to throw a mean football. Talkin that spin? That healthy arc? Oh yeah, and the arm meats pulsing, and the skin taut and glazed. Ooo help me, Story.
Jun 26, 2018
21. The Second Sermon of Cardinal Larson
00:23:16
We are once again graced with the devoted, inspirational Cardinal Larson of the Archdiocese of the Church of the Seven Trusted Greases. He's been a-travelin, a-preachin, a-lovin, and a-greasin. Give him every tiding you can bestow, and he will love you forever. Deny him, and he'll deny you. Preacher: Cardinal Ed Larson (of Brighter Side and Roundtable of Gentlemen) Invocation Psalm: “The Father's Generosity” A Special Sermon from Cardinal Larson Concluding Prayer Somethin gooey and mm mmm comin for yuns next week heh heh
Jun 19, 2018
20. The Grease Of Our Elders
00:16:38
Simple delights do not come simple. Even an orange juice, before its juicy demise, first blistered the picker’s palm, stung the eyes of the orangist. Eyes wept, and teeth gnashed for your thirst. Mmmph, there is a sloshing of misery integral to all aqueous liquids, and don’t get me started on syrups and pastes. Invocation Psalm: “Chintub’s Celebration” Liturgical Reading: “The Grease of Our Elders” Concluding Prayer Some adults never grow adult teeth. Just gotta make do with little teeth in little mouths—I tell ya straight, I swear. Some of em have little hands too, little bodies. They can’t walk, and can’t grow hair cept the baby sort. Some folks say, “fella, thems’re just babies,” but I can’t know truth. Not no more, nuh uh.
Jun 12, 2018
19. The Disgusting Man
00:20:23
Nothin like squatting yon hams in a restaurant, opening that gooey maw, and swallowing whole the goods the chef has birthed. But, oh dear Story, how our fellow humans ruin every good time: chattering, snorting, suckin n imbibin n laughin n nose-blowin. The worst thing to happen to humanity was humanity, uh huh. That is, if it really is humanity after all. Invocation Psalm: “Prime Cuts” Liturgical Reading: “The Disgusting Man” Concluding Prayer Grin with us next week and we'll grin you one back. Heh heh, that's a promise ooh goo goo
Jun 05, 2018
18. The Mother Of Nature - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski
00:26:19
Our dearest Preacher Jackie, the Miss Good Zebrowski, has returned to deliver a story of retribution true. Olden times were worsen times, we can all attest, those of us who knew them. Let us worship modernity, because ain’t nothin like an aisle of chips and a diet to every sugar free. People used to be afraid of birds, ha, and wolves? We saw to that, yes ma’am. I'll kill any bird I see uh huh. Officiant: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7, insta @jackthatworm) Invocation Psalm: “What Now The Dogs Have Buried” Liturgical Reading: “The Mother of Nature” Concluding Prayer Can’t get me talkin bout bugs, not a good idea. Saw a baby carried off by ants once, and a dog stripped in seconds by termites, the kind that eat dogs that is. Can’t get me talking bout bugs, nuh uh
May 29, 2018
17. The Veteran
00:21:08
where does the Boy lead us except to certainty? he takes our hand, cold as his might be, and tugs us along no matter how we resist. curse you, the Boy! we wish not discover the tidings he deems necessary. we wish not endure the vision he sets before us, like a rank feast. ohhh the Boy Invocation Psalm: “Garden Boy” Liturgical Reading: “The Veteran” Concluding Prayer well guess I’m done with yun, for now anyhow. stay greasy, uh huh, for a whole ‘nother week, wink wink
May 22, 2018
16. An End To Loneliness
00:12:33
the rain is falling on my face and I feel the gusts envelop me, cradle this leakin bod. it's a weatherly hug, uh huh, an embrace for a storyteller true. in another minute I won't be here, and in weeks my name will be forgotten. heh, but there will be more brandons, more brandon than those who came before. what glory! Invocation Psalm: “Standards of Decades Forgotten” Liturgical Reading: “An End to Loneliness” Concluding Prayer you should probably call your grandmother today. but never your grandfather.
May 15, 2018
15. The Grand Circus
00:16:39
o! how my lawn it disappoints thee. a damn shame. a foul stinking lot of indecency. i caught the local youth upon it again—more every year, names more senseless than the last. brentyn. l'aurent. david. garf'eld. i curse! i slobber with outcry! what peeves i endure! preach us proper, Sister Callista Invocation Psalm: “Cure-All” Liturgical Reading: “The Grand Circus” Concluding Prayer goodness, oh Story, how i wooze, how i dizzy. gonna vom soon, most like. gonna ferment it in a jar till next week—when we takes sips
May 08, 2018
14. Goop In The Evening - Guest Preacher Danny Tamberelli
00:14:28
enter, and feast upon the delights we pilfer, the secret tidings we unearth. sniff it down and get gooey right here, right now with me. we find our own meaning, our own reason to exist when all appears as desolation. heh, though, course, some of us have gooier reasons than others. enjoy this story, read by our dear Brother Daniel Tamborelli. Guest Preacher: Daniel Tamborelli (Danny and Mike Podcast, Jounce) Invocation Psalm: “Foul Blossoms” Liturgical Reading: “Goop in the Evening” Concluding Prayer we love you. we caress you. we are you, when we dream. become us next week, please, young fresh.
May 01, 2018
13. For A Moment, I Had A Friend
00:19:06
ee ee oo oo, a story fine a story tru. mm hmm, a sad one no doubt, about the isolation we all face. i know my solitude most painfully in the shower, amid thy bubbles n scrubbin brushes, where no soul sees you and you have no voice but your own. then i get out, and i have company once more, as the worms squelch under my feet and the pigs rummage for the filth i hath dripped. can there be a desperation profound’r than this? shhhh it's a secret Invocation Psalm: “No Nose” Liturgical Reading: “For A Moment I Had a Friend” Concluding Prayer gosh that’s it uh oh. guess you’ll just hafta stink with us next week heh heh
Apr 24, 2018
12. Mercy and Condemnation
00:19:27
music does not calm every troubled soul, no matter how they might sing, no matter how they might melodicize. the body is a tomb for us, and its desires our chains which constrict and pinch. is a soul troubled by a body truly troubled? use yon bodies to further the glory of The Story, and make sin no more, even if it’s a real raunchy uh oh kind of sin. Invocation Psalm: “Twins in Desire” Liturgical Reading: “Mercy and Condemnation” Concluding Prayer join our service next Tuesday. we’ll watch you while you sleep, caress your sweaty forehead with The Story.
Apr 17, 2018
11. The Father, The Mother
00:15:23
some folk work real hard. some folk just sit there, stew in juices, and turn to greases to stain the chairs and linoleum. course, some folk do both. ain’t exclusive, rot and labor. they shake hands just like the rest of us, cept course those of us with them sick hands, nails stenchin proper. Invocation Psalm: “Show and Tell” / “Turtle Stew” Liturgical Reading: “The Father The Mother” Concluding Prayer grin with you next tuesday, our sweet lil grinners, our eager acolytes
Apr 10, 2018
10. The First Sermon of Cardinal Larson
00:16:27
for this dutiful midnight vigil, the first tuesday of common days, we are graced with the beloved, articulate Cardinal Larson of the Archdiocese of the Church of the Seven Trusted Greases. he shares his many beautiful stories about his travels with us, his healthy, loving flock. Preacher: Cardinal Ed Larson (of Brighter Side and Roundtable of Gentlemen) Invocation Psalm: “Secret Tators” A Special Sermon from Cardinal Larson Concluding Prayer more frothy truth for the greasy and faithful next tuesday
Apr 03, 2018
9. A Lapse In Nature's Judgment
00:22:59
we are each of us a product of wriggling porcelain tails and elusive siren eggs. we forget how we once were two. no more, nuh uh, mm hmm. today, we remember our gooey beginnins, we cherish our genome, and we mourn the fallen, of which there are incalculable. weep! go on! Invocation Liturgical Reading: “A Lapse in Nature’s Judgment” Concluding Prayer Church Bulletin this here? this here is a treat for you, tasty n fresh. gosh, i love watchin you eat it, seein it dribble down yon chin. juicy!
Mar 27, 2018
8. The Stink War - Guest Preacher Jackie Zebrowski
00:16:07
today we celebrate the feast day of sain't jo, in whose matronage we engage so ruefully: lewdness, grotesquerie, tragedy. we are blessed with this liturgy frothy n fearful from Sister Callista of the Queasy Madre. sniff it down, yon juicies Invocation Psalm: “O! Honey” Liturgical Reading: “An Audience With The Queen” Concluding Prayer what truths we stink we stink for thee. come back next tuesday n we’ll tell ya a gooey one uh huh
Mar 20, 2018
7. You May Eat Me
00:19:53
civic duty binds us once as citizens, and twice as lovers. we are beckoned by nation to hoist standards, mouth recitations, and adore patriarchs, yet we know the cost. big truths consume the lesser truths, make stool of abandoned precepts. every lie is first a truth defeated; every sin a virtue rejected. oo it gives me a phlegmy goo, right in my chest. Invocation Psalms: “Boy Shakes / Squish Fists” Liturgical Reading: “You May Eat Me” Concluding Prayer we adore the body of government, and we sup of its frothy milk. we piss of pride, weep of citizenship. all nations fall, and the Story spreads plague-like among the debris. spread yon eagle to its healthy protrusions.
Mar 13, 2018
6. Mommy's Little Tipper
00:15:34
oh by truth we are drawn to such meager beings squabbling underfoot and lying provocatively in beds of saliva and mounds of masticated plastic. how we chastise, beseech of them polite human behaviors, declaring “he thinks he’s people!” when you know it right true we believe the same. masters and their charges, owners and their servants, we extend our rotting hierarchy to thine noble, innocent beasts. for Shame! Invocation Psalm: “Blanket Secrets” Liturgical Reading: “Mommy’s Little Tipper” Concluding Prayer thank you for such fondness and yes ugghh nnnff hueeggh we are beating in our chests and groaning in our groins. oh, how the Story it loves and inspires. please join our service next tuesday uh huh
Mar 06, 2018
5. Super Value Menu
00:21:34
yes uh huh some of us enjoy the salty treats of food which is fast, and others of us depend upon yon morsels, teeth decrepit from substance and poverty. how fates intertwine, how doom swells and rains its pregnant waters over us all, the greasy and the not-so-greasy. reflect! renounce! repent! Invocation Psalm: “The Fish, the Filth” Liturgical Reading: “Super Value Menu” yup yup we’ll be back next week and the week after that and the week after that and we’ll never die
Feb 27, 2018
4. A Perfect Vessel
00:19:18
on this day we remember a patron true a saint of courage and unshakable faith. that's why we all wear our prettiest clothes and paint our faces and present such handsome grins and firm grips of hand. it's why i wear red. what tender boundary tween belief n delusion, how it quivers with our pulse Introductory Prayer Psalm: “The Furrier’s Coat” / “You Do Know” Liturgical Reading: “A Perfect Vessel” Brother Reid’s Song Church Bulletin im not ready to leave you, promise me youll find me soon gosh i need you to feel whole
Feb 20, 2018
3. An Audience with the Queen
00:20:40
Everyone bow yur heads for what im about to preach, uh huh: it’s time for juicy business. Get them lips a-smackin, because we got a special guest preacher, Preacher Jackie Zebrowski, spreadin a gospel of right on healthy goo. Sup thee gentle. Guest Preacher: Jackie Zebrowski (Page 7, insta @jackthatworm) Introductory Prayer Psalm: “Daniel’s Greasy Feast” Liturgical Reading: “The Stink War” Church Bulletin Get on out of here. Go on. We ain’t got nothin more for yun until next week. Tuesday ther’alikes, I’ll be honest with yun.
Feb 13, 2018
2. A Cowboy's Story
00:16:37
Wipe your hands on your pleats, then clean your nails with yon sopping lips: the Story has been birthed unto us eager acolytes. Oh! how it stews there, such promise and squelching. Ee! how it inspires, gets these hips swayin and tongues drippin. Touch it twice! Quick! Stories like this ain't gonna love you much sweeter. Introductory Prayer Psalm: Spark A Holy Fire/Horse Testes Liturgical Reading: “A Cowboy’s Story” Concluding Invocation Church Bulletin Rejoice with us again next week, uh huh, squish squish.
Feb 06, 2018
1. A Man For The Woman
00:20:37
In the name of the grease, the pleas, and the holy crease: we welcome you to The Story Must Be Told. Our congregation is humble, and our drips polite. Please please bow down with us in penitence. Give that kneeler a sniff. Smells like gasoline, don’t it? Ha! Go ‘head and ignore that. Introductory Prayer Psalm: "The Horns of the Beast" Liturgical Reading: “A Man For The Woman” Concluding Prayer A new Mass awaits ye next Tuesday. And the Tuesday after that. And so forth. Mm hmmfff.
Jan 30, 2018