The Refined Collective Podcast

By Kat Harris

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The Refined Collective Podcast is hosted by Kat Harris. Her vision is to create a safe space for women and men to take off the super-man cape of having it all together, and share their stories authentically and honestly.

Episode Date
That’s What He Said: Marriage Prep 101: Sacrifice, Intentionality + Growth with Tim Timberlake
52:18

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, Ben Stuart answered the most asked question in the Christian single lady community: where are all of the single Godly men? His answer is thoughtful, encouraging, and challenging. Listen here if you missed it.

 

This week, I’m talking with pastor Tim Timberlake. He is the pastor of Christian Faith Center in North Carolina. He’s been married to wife Jen for over 5 years and together they have the cutest son, Maxwell Ace Timberlake. He considers himself a Christian first, husband second, father third, and pastor fourth. In this conversation from the archives, we talk about how you can grow with a person in marriage, what your “list” of perfect qualities should look like, and how we can practice sacrifice as single women. Because guess what? Marriage requires sacrifice!

 

How do you grow together in marriage?

  • Tim shares his experience as a divorced man who went on to find the love of his life.
  • “You can absolutely be married to God’s perfect choice, but if both people aren’t pursuing God, then that quickly changes.”
  • Communication can help us to grow together, because change is inevitable.
  • “We don’t get let down by what happens to us, we get let down by what we expected not to happen to us.”

 

3 things to put on your list

  1. Common Ground.
  2. Shared Faith.
  3. Physical attraction!

 

How can we prep for marriage as single people?

  • Love is a choice and there is no other relationship that sets us up for the sacrifices and commitment through the tough times when we are in seasons of singleness.
  • He notes that whenever he finds himself being short with the people he loves, he can pinpoint it to not spending enough time with God.
  • “I want this person to win more than I want to win in this relationship.”

 

Lightning round

  • Can guys tell when a woman likes her? ABSOLUTELY! But misreads do happen.
  • Does attraction have to be there from the start? Attraction will constantly evolve.
  • Which do you value more—respect or love? Respect and honor go hand in hand. Honor is impossible without love. There has to be action behind it.
  • How do I know if he likes me? If he makes sacrifices for you, he’s serious about you. There’s a distinction to be made between want (convenience) and like.

 

“It takes time to make something that is good. Anything that comes into your life prematurely, arrives too small. Be patient. Know that the wait will be worth it. God has His perfect plan for your life that He is building up for you.”

 

Resources

 

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

 

We’ve been diving into some pretty big conversations around dating and what it’s like being single in today’s culture. Maybe you feel uncomfortable connecting with me on IG in a public way, so I created a private Facebook community for single ladies. (P.S. I’m always giving dating advice over there!) Head over to bit.ly/trw-singleladies to join this community of women lifting each other up!

Nov 24, 2020
That’s What He Said: Where Are All the Single Godly Men? With Ben Stuart
50:59

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, we took a short break with the series so I could address the sex scandals that have been exposed recently in the evangelical church. It’s a hard conversation, but it’s one we need to be having. You can take a listen here.

 

This week, I’m sharing the conversation I had with Ben Stuart a while back. He is the pastor of Passion City Church DC, but before that he ran a college and singles ministry. Basically, he has worked with a lot of young single Christians. DC is one of the loneliest cities in America and people longing for connection come to his church to find it. We do a deep dive into the question “Where are all of the single Godly men?” plus how you can have a healthy dynamic in male/female friendships.

 

Where are all of the single Godly men?

  • There are two levels to this question: physically where are they… and why are they not pursuing me?
  • He notes the social implications of technology has changed the dating scene. People are losing the personal connection and ability to socialize in person.
  • Only 12% of single women were asked out in the last year.
  • “I know great men that are running in the world, and if you get running in a healthy direction, you’re going to see them out there.”
  • There can be a blame shift that happens when we lament that there are no guys out there.
  • Around 10% of women ask men out every year—they want to be pursued!

 

How can you have a healthy dynamic in a male/female friendship?

  • Friendship is possible, but it’s important to ask yourself and the other person what friendship really means.
  • “If you say, ‘I want to be friends,’ but any other person’s presence makes you feel threatened… you don’t want to be friends. You want possession.”
  • Long term, is it worth spending all of your energy on male friendships? When you get married, would you husband be comfortable with them around?
  • Are we too busy getting all of our micro-needs met by several guy friends to have our needs met by one romantic partner?
  • “Decoupling commitment and sex damaged both. We lost both.”

 

Resources

 

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!


If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

Nov 18, 2020
Another One Bites the Dust: Sex Scandals in the Evangelical Church
43:42

Trigger warning (and kiddo warning): As the episode title suggests, I am going to be talking about some hard topics and sharing some vulnerable stories. 

 

It’s time to acknowledge the elephant in the room

  • It feels dismissive to do a podcast on dating this week.
  • I am committed to being honest with you and have hard conversations. I’m committed to moving towards that thing that is uncomfortable because I honestly think it’s what we all long for.
  • I might say it wrong, I may peel back in hindsight, I may be misunderstood, you may disagree. My hope is that this gets you talking, processing, and thinking critically.
  • Also caveat: we’re all humans, we all mess up. We all need redemption.

 

Here’s what’s going on

  • Evangelical leaders are being exposed at a rapid rate for their moral failures. This year, we have:
  1. Liberty University President Jerry Falwell Jr. exposed.
  2. Pastor John Gray exposed for being unfaithful to his wife.
  3. Christian Comedian John Crist exposed for sex addiction.
  4. Hillsong NYC Pastor Carl Lentz (my former pastor) was fired for “leadership issues, breaches of trust, and moral failures”. The day after the news was made public, Carl released a statement on Instagram admitting to cheating on his wife. Since then, at least one woman has come forward claiming a 5-month relationship with Carl that ended just last week.
  • So this is where we are… I am sad. I am hurting. I am angry. I am tired of seeing pastor after male pastor lack integrity and accountability. The fallout of this behavior is deeper and wider than even we can comprehend.

 

Acknowledge those hurting

  • The most overlooked people in these scenarios are those who have been hurt, betrayed, abused, by the offender/predator/addict/etc.
  • Jesus always took care of the hurting.

o   With all these men’s public confession… let’s be clear that all of these men got CAUGHT and THEN confessed. There is an outpouring of praise: “What a good man. Your ministry has blessed me so much.”

  • Dismissal of pain. We’re allowed to be angry. Gaslighting and spiritual manipulation.
  • Misunderstanding of biblical forgiveness

 

To the hurting and betrayed: I acknowledge you

  • Wives and children: humiliation, betrayal, breach of trust
  • Those who worked with and led with who feel blindsided
  • To those who worked for and served under them
  • To those who attended their ministries
  • To the people of color who feel heartbroken because Carl has been such a voice in the racial justice conversation and Black Lives Matter movement.
  • I ACKNOWLEDGE YOU. I acknowledge your pain. What happened was wrong, and I’m so sorry you are going through this.

 

The fallout and heartache is deep and wide

  • You are allowed to grieve
  • You are allowed to be angry
  • You are allowed to process
  • No one has the right to tell you how you should feel or when you should be “over” this.

 

Do we have such low view of men?

  • Whispering between the lines of all this public praise for a confession is another message: boys will be boys
  • When will we stop believe the lies that sexual integrity is harder for men than it is for women

o   The crushing pressure of my sexual purity and the sexual integrity of men is on my shoulders is wrong. It was never ours to carry, and men it’s time you take ownership.

  • Men just as much made in the image of God as women are.
  • Women are just as much sexual beings as men are.
  • I call BS on the whole thing. Do you really have such low view of men that we think them incapable of learning how to control their urges and impulses? 
  • I don’t accept this behavior and I’m mad not because I think poorly of men, but because I view highly of men.
  • You are a reflection of the image of God, just as women are. It’s time to hold yourself to a higher standard.
  • It’s time to do the work, get accountability for real. 
  • Oppression stops not when the oppressed takes a stand, but when the oppressor repents and turns around.

o   One of the most upsetting things was that it was men in the comments praising the fallen pastor and I saw one lonely woman who said “No. Not okay”. Men, why are you leaving this up to us?”

  • Men, I love you. Be better.

 

Church, we have to do better

  • When we allow this behavior to go on in our church walls, the church no longer is a safe place for the disadvantaged, for the oppressed, for the ostracized, the abused, but a sanctuary for the religious elite, privileged, and those who are abusing their power.
  • Jesus hated abuse of power. We see Jesus flipping over tables in the temple and yelling at the religious elite, “You brood of vipers.” Why? The house of God became a place where those in power abused their power and took advantage of the weak. Do I believe in forgiveness? Do I believe in restoration? Of course. But this behavior should make us angry and spur us to action on behalf of those being taken advantage of. Why? Because this behavior makes Jesus angry.
  • My plea to the church: we have to do better.
  • The church is supposed to be a witness to the world. A reflection of Jesus us— the Jesus who has transformed our lives. Yet, is the church as it stands today a witness to world beckoning hope, acceptance, unconditional love, mercy, and grace? We are a house divided. We are a mockery of what it means to reflect the God image to a world longing for restoration.

 

Pause to look inward

  • I’m not above or below having a lapse in judgement or a moral failure. No one is.
  • We become who we are through tiny decisions that we do or do not make every single day. Every thought, action, posture of the heart, compromise big or small leads us on a path towards life or destruction. Who are you becoming?
  • I have been quick to anger, quickly offended, sharp tongues, and I want to apologize for that. I have been blind to my judgmental spirit because I have felt right. It has felt justifiable.

 

“Being a Christian can be confusing. Our faith is unique among the world’s religions in its central teaching of grace, yet it’s known as a religion of works. Christianity is supposed to be defined by love, yet Christians are viewed as judgmental hypocrites. Our faith proclaims forgiveness of sin, yet we are often remembered for our self-righteous behavior. One research group studying evangelical Christians revealed these public perceptions: “Evangelicals were called illiterate, greedy, psychos, racist, stupid, narrow-minded, bigots, idiots, fanatics, nut cases, screaming loons, delusional, simpletons, pompous, morons, cruel, nitwits, and freaks, and that’s just a partial list…some people don’t have any idea what Evangelicals actually are or what they believe—they just know that can’t stand Evangelicals.” …I have struggled with the gap between what I say and how I live. I have struggled profoundly to integrate my faith into my personal life. Have you felt this tension?” —Jon Tyson, The Burden is Light

 

I am no better

  • I am one wrong decision away from crazy.
  • Who am I? Who do I want to be? Who has access to my life?
  • Do I have the courage to be known in the moment and not just after a crisis or when I’m found out?
  • I reached out to several pastor and mentors and friends this week and said, “Hey, I don’t want this to be me. Will you walk with me? I want to be known.”
  • Who are you becoming?

 

I want to speak peace and hope over you, me, us. Hope does not put us to shame. Jesus’ heart is to make all things new. Jesus makes us new, makes the church new, comforts us, brings us peace. Restore only what you can restore.

 

Resources

 

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

 

If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

Nov 12, 2020
That's What He Said: Is Asking for a Set-Up Desperate? with Matt Jones
01:04:57

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. We took a short break last week to cover some important topics around faith and politics during this election. As a little refresher, the last episode of That’s What He Said was with Jeff Johnson. He shared all about how a break can be used for growth, the biggest fears guys have in relationships, and how to discuss porn when the guy you’re dating shares that he struggles with it. Check it out here if you missed it.

 

This week, I’m talking with Matt Jones. This episode is pretty special for a few reasons. Firstly, this is the only episode in the That’s What He Said series that has never been heard before! This conversation is still from the archives, but it was never released. Secondly, Matt is the oldest single guy in this series. I know it can feel exhausting to hear advice from young married people who are encouraging you to trust in God’s timing. Matt is in his late 30s and putting in the work. Since having this conversation, he has entered a serious and committed relationship. I can’t wait for you to hear everything he has to share!

 

What are your feelings on set-ups?

  • I asked everyone on Instagram and it broke. the. internet. so I asked Matt about his thoughts on set-ups as someone who has been set up before.
  • Many women feel shame for asking to be set up because it feels like “I can’t get dates on my own,” which is devastating because set-ups can be SO valuable!
  • Instead of feeling shame when someone tries to set you up, recognize that your reach is limited and people in your circle are able to extend that reach.

 

Do you know what you want?

  • Matt reflects on how at 35, a switch flipped when it came to dating.
  • “As I developed and grew and matured, my priorities changed and my intentions changed.”
  • Living in LA, Matt recognizes that being single is a lot more common— people are pursuing their dreams and careers above marriage and having a family.
  • Having spent so much time dating, he recognizes what he wants in a woman and what a healthy relationship looks like for him. That’s so valuable.
  • “When it comes down to the really important stuff… there’s a lack of connection if you’re not centered in the same place.”

 

Mindset in Singleness

  • Should you pursue or wait on God’s timing? Both.
  • Matt admits that he spent much of his singleness in a pity party and this is what prevented him from finding his person during that time.
  • “Take a really good long look at yourself and see how you might be contributing to your own singleness before putting it on society or culture or the location of where you live, or your age, or your circumstances.”

 

Resources

  

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

 

We’ve been diving into some pretty big conversations around dating and what it’s like being single in today’s culture. Maybe you feel uncomfortable connecting with me on IG in a public way, so I created a private Facebook community for single ladies. (P.S. I’m always giving dating advice over there!) Head over to bit.ly/trw-singleladies to join this community of women lifting each other up!

Nov 04, 2020
Faith + Politics Part II: Can I Love My Neighbor Through My Politics? with Stephanie Summers
01:06:07

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

On Monday, I had a conversation with speaker and author Ashley Abercrombie on why being pro-birth isn’t enough and how to have a compassionate and nuanced dialogue around abortion. Today, the conversation around faith and politics continues. How does our faith impact how we vote? Can we love our neighbor through our politics?

 

I’m exploring this conversation with Stephanie Summers. She is the CEO of the Center for Public Justice, an independent, non-partisan civic education and public policy organization based in Washington, D.C. She has dedicated her life to learning and ministry and justice and I can’t wait for you to hear everything she has to share.

 

How to find accurate/truthful info on candidates

  • Read your local paper— it’s the best place to learn about local politics
  • Attend a local forum or access them on the internet— hear the candidate directly
  • Ask friends who might be more connected to/involved in the political scene
  • Reach out directly to the campaigns

 

What your vote really means

  • “Politics is a way that we respond to God’s call to love our neighbors.”
  • Voting is a way to achieve proximate justice.
  • “My vote isn’t designed to be all about me, but it’s really about the wellbeing, the shalom, the flourishing of our community.”
  • Every human being is made in God’s image, not just the ones we agree with politically.

 

How to show up in patience and love with someone who is on the other side of you

  • None of this is a one-and-done conversation.
  • Pray for openness to hear the other side— and a humility to admit, “I could be wrong— God, show me.” Pray for softened hearts. “God, what do you want from me here?”
  • It’s not your job to convince someone to get on your side.

 

“As God’s people, there is more that unites us in Christ than divides us in politics. We have forgotten that in many ways.”

 

The election is November 3rd, what happens next?

  • “The election is not the end; it’s the beginning.”
  • Get to know your community policies and officials so you don’t feel overwhelmed the week before the next election.
  • Get involved with political discipleship groups to help you think about, use, and develop tools to show up with intentionality as a person of faith with politics.
  • Shared Justice Journal covers a lot of political topics and faith. It will help you wrestle some nuanced and hard topics.

 

How do we look at a candidate holistically?

  • Pandemic response and racial justice are both significant issues right now
  • Think about what it means to be well as a nation
  • Posture of unity, even if we don’t agree (as opposed to punishment if you don’t believe in ‘x’s side.

 

Can we separate someone’s personal character from their policy?

  • Ask yourself these questions:
    • If your pastor had terrible character, would you be okay if your church was growing and people were getting free?
    • If your boss treated you and your coworkers maliciously, but pays you really well?
  • Think about your response. Do you care about the process or the outcome?

 

Resources

 

If you’re a creative, you know the drill. You’re finally done editing. It’s perfect. Now you just need to format...and re-format...for every single platform. With Issuu, make it once, and it’s ready to post everywhere. Issuu is the all-in-one platform to create and distribute beautiful digital publications, from brochures to magazines to sales collateral and more. Get started with Issuu today for FREE or if you sign up for a premium account you will get 50% off when you go to ISSUU.com/podcast and use promo code KAT.

 

If you feel overwhelmed and want to learn to step out in clarity with politics, go to politicaldiscipleship.org and join one of the sessions offered. It’s all about being intentional, and it’s all about community.

Oct 28, 2020
[BONUS] Faith + Politics Part I: Why Pro-Birth is Not Enough with Ashley Abercrombie
01:00:56

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

This week, we’re taking a break from the That’s What He Said series, because it has been on my heart to share resources and stories to support you in the upcoming election (on November 3, in case you need a reminder). I want to ask the hard questions and give you space to ask those hard questions to and wrestle and pray. So this week, I’m talking to repeat guest Ashley Abercrombie and we’re having an honest conversation about abortion, pro-life, and pro-birth. We are so grateful that you are listening to this conversation, even if it might make you uncomfortable.

 

Here’s what’s been going through my mind recently:

  • How does our faith impact how we vote?
  • What does it really mean to be pro-life?
  • What does it mean to be a single-issue voter?
  • And how can I have a robust + holistic view of a candidate without getting sucked into the propaganda + emotion of it all?

 

Why Do Women Have Abortions?

  • Poverty: women not having the capacity to care for both themselves and a child.
  • 25% of the abortions in the United States are had by married women.
  • Victims of domestic violence will turn to abortion when they fear bringing a child into an abusive home.
  • “Abortion doesn’t have a specific face.”

 

Why Are You Anti-Abortion?

  • Is this something you inherited from your faith community growing up?
  • Is this something your parents taught you?
  • Is it a value you hold dear because you have researched the issue and are pro-life, pro-birth, and pro-mother?

 

Pro-Life vs. Pro-Birth and Pro-Mother

  • Being pro-mother means advocating for women’s right to have a good birth experience. Simple things like having a decent maternity leave.
  • When we talk about pro-life, we need to be considering the full life of both the child and mother.
  • “We cannot just be pro-birth people, we have to be pro-life. It’s who God is.”

 

"I do not believe that just because you are opposed to abortion, that that makes you pro-life. In fact, I think in many cases, your morality is deeply lacking if all you want is a child born but not a child fed, a child educated, a child housed. And why would I think that you don't? Because you don't want any tax money to go there. That's not pro-life. That's pro-birth. We need a much broader conversation on what the morality of pro-life is.”

  • Sister Joan Chittister, on a Bill Moyers interview in 2004

 

3 Assumptions Voting Pro-Life and Republican

  1. A Republican will appoint pro-life people in the Supreme Court and thus overturn Roe v. Wade
  • For the last 49 years, Republicans have owned the majority in the Supreme Court, yet no overturn.
  • In 1992, there was an 8:1 ratio of Republicans to Democrats in the Supreme Court. When given the chance to turn down abortion, they didn’t.
  1. Overturning Roe is the key to ending abortion
  • Roe decision didn’t legalize abortion
  • In 1776, abortion was legal everywhere in the United states
  • In the 1930s, doctors reported 800k legal abortions— similar to numbers to that of today
  1. Policies of Republicans decrease abortions and Democrats increase abortions
  • Republicans // Pro-Life
    • Overturn Roe v. Wade
    • No taxpayer funding
    • Defund Planned Parenthood
    • Baby’s right to life
  • Democrats // Pro-Choice
    • Support Roe v. Wade
    • Taxpayer funding for abortions
    • Expand Planned Parenthood
    • Mother’s right to privacy

 

Why Have Abortions Been Declining Since the 1980s?

  1. Fewer women are facing unplanned pregnancies
  2. Reduced teen sexual activity
  3. More access to healthcare and contraceptives
  4. New state restrictions (i.e. late-term abortions)
  5. More affordable adoptions

 

None of these things happen because of Roe v. Wade, a presidential candidate, or a Supreme Court justice.

 

“We don’t have to agree on everything to be connected to one another.”

 

Resources

 

Avail exists to empower New Yorkers facing an unexpected pregnancy or past abortion with critical support and resources to inform their decisions, build healthy relationships, and promote healing. They promise a safe place for confident decisions with no pressure or politics. You can make an appointment to meet your personal advocate at Availnyc.org. (59:38)

 

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! (28:25)

Oct 26, 2020
That’s What He Said: How to Create a Culture of Honor in Dating with Jeff Johnson
47:24

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, Jarod Nickerson shared some major insight into things like, “What should I do if I’m put in the friend zone?” “Does attraction have to be there from the start or can it grow?” and “How can I communicate that I’m developing feelings for a guy without being too forward?” Check it out here if you missed it!

 

This week, I’m sharing the conversation I had a while back with Jeff Johnson, a worship pastor at Passion City Church in Atlanta. This episode, we talk a lot about his relationship with his wife, Jourdan. Their love story is a beautiful reminder that love stories will look different for everyone. He also shares how a break can be used for growth, the biggest fears guys have in relationships, and how to discuss porn when the guy you’re dating shared that he struggles with it.

 

Does attraction have to be there from the start?

  • Jeff was physically attracted to Jourdan since the first time he saw her, but he was attracted to her personality as well.
  • “Her character speaks louder than her beauty.”

 

How can a break be used for growth?

  • They broke up after being together for 8 years. Jeff thought he just needed time to work on himself and they would get back together, but Jourdan moved on and started dating a new guy.
  • When they got back together two years later, their prioritization of communication made the relationship strong.

 

Which do you value more, respect or love?

  • “Guys want to feel respected and like they carry weight in the relationship.”
  • He acknowledges a lot of men out there did not have the male leaders guiding them to step into their roles as a man.
  • Sometimes we need to just remember that we all have blown it, and it is not productive to expect perfection from the other person.

 

What are the biggest fears guys have in relationships?

  • If they open up about something, they want to know they will be accepted and understood. They want to feel safe.
  • Being with someone 24/7, everything comes out into the open. “When you get married, there is nothing off the table.”
  • “I know your story and it’s covered by grace, just like my story is covered by grace.”

 

What about porn?

  • It’s hard for women to hear these struggles because they often fall into the trap of thinking they are not enough, which is not the case.
  • How do you know a guy is serious about recovery from pornography? A huge litmus test: Do you see friends in his life bringing him closer to Christ and challenging him on this? Is he willing to work and fight through his issues? Or is he a passive bystander to his growth?

 

Resources

 

You may or may not know that I am writing a book! It’s called Sexless in the City: A Sometimes Sassy, Sometimes Painful, Always Honest Look at Dating, Desire, and Sex and it’s coming out in April 2021! Want to stay up to date on all things book related, from book tour, to joining my launch team, to special in-person events (God willing)? Head over to bit.ly/Trw-book so you can be the first to know.

 

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

Oct 21, 2020
That’s What He Said: How to Let Him Know You’re Into Him with Jarod Nickerson
01:02:39

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

Welcome back to the That’s What He Said series, where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know. Last week, Jamal Miller got real with us about expectations in dating, whether it’s how we meet the person (be open to sliding into DMs— it works!), or what qualities we imagine our future spouse will have. Check it out here if you missed it. 

 

This week, I’m sharing the conversation I had a while back with LA-based mental and fitness coach Jarod Nickerson. Believe it or not, we covered pretty much every single question you guys sent in. Curious whether or not he can tell you have a crush on him? Want to let him know you’re interested, but you’re afraid of being too forward? Or maybe you’re just too afraid, period? (Who else gets sweaty palms??) Jarod shares some insight on these questions and so many more.

 

1. Do guys know when a girl has a crush on them?

  • Every guy is different, but plenty of guys are oblivious.

 

2. Do guys develop attraction over time, or does it have to be there from the get-go?

  • A lot of the time, attraction will be there from the start, but it’s possible for the attraction to develop as they get to know a girl.
  • “It’s kind of the reflection of the heart manifesting outside the body.”

 

3. Which do you value more: respect or love?

  • Love and respect go hand in hand.
  • “If someone doesn’t respect you, then how can they love you?”

 

4. How do I know if he likes me?

  • There are a lot of things to consider: Do they have self-awareness? If someone knows who they are, they can be more confident.

 

5. Is it true that if he’s interested, he’ll pursue/do whatever it takes to make it happen?

  • A guy will pursue and do whatever it takes to make it happen until it’s clear she does not want to pursue anything.

 

6. Do you think guys + girls can be just friends? 

  • Jarod believes it is possible but knows there can be confusion for some friendships. It all comes down to being transparent and honest.

 

7. How can I let him know I’m interested in more than just friends w/o being too aggressive/forward?

  • Confidence is sexy and honesty is important. Let it out, but don’t hang on it.
  • “If someone can’t handle you being real and honest with them, then they’re probably not someone who is always going to be calling you up and out for the rest of your life.”

 

8. Would you date a woman that doesn’t share your worldview/faith? 

  • Jarod says no, in short. It’s important to share a worldview.
  • “If they are truly a seeker and have a good heart, then maybe you could court that relationship, but for me I’m a follower of Jesus and if they’re not following Jesus it’s not going to work.”

 

9. Are you intimidated by a woman with a successful career?

  • He wants the answer to be no, but the honest answer is “probably.”
  • “All you’re doing is comparing yourself to how you think it should be, not necessarily what it is.”
  • The time when it can feel most intimidating is at the start of a relationship, but he would definitely still ask her out.

 

10. What’s something that women do that feels emasculating?

  • Distrust and not supporting his future would be devastating.

 

  • “My biggest fear in life is not supporting my future family.”

 

 

11. What’s something a woman can do to honor you/makes you feel like a man?

  • Belief—everyone loves to have someone believe in them.

 

12. What are you looking for in a relationship/partner?

  • “I’m looking for someone who is going to challenge me, push me, and believe in me. I only want someone in my life if they’re going to call me up to be better. I don’t want just a cheerleader.”

 

13. Why do you think a lot of guys don’t want to date within their own community i.e. church?

  • He notes the challenges that arise when there is close proximity in this way. If it doesn’t work out—a guy doesn’t want that ‘Scarlett letter.’
  • Don’t let fear be motivating any of your decisions in relationships.

 

14. Where are all the single godly men—do you think there are more single than women, or does it just seem like that?

  • The question is rooted in fear.
  • “Am I walking in alignment in the identity of the woman God has made?”
  • If you’re pursuing what God has put on your heart, you’ll see Godly men on that same path.
  • “Ask the Lord to quiet your mind and ask Him to speak.”

 

Resources

  • Keep up with Jarod on Instagram at @jarod.nickerson (you’ll notice he’s no longer single— sorry, ladies!)

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out!

 

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

Oct 14, 2020
That’s What He Said: DM Dating // Going from DMs to Real Life with Jamal Miller
51:53

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!! 

 

It’s been 2 and a half years since I launched The Refined Collective Podcast (but don’t worry, we’re not going anywhere). We have over 100 episodes and even if you’ve been following for a while, chances are that you missed out on some. To give myself some space and rest this fall (OOF the 2020 struggle is real, y’all), I am relaunching an old series where I ask men all the questions you’re DYING to know, plus there’s a never before heard bonus episode straight from the mouth of single dude actively lookin’ for his wifey.

 

First up, Jamal Miller. This guy is a mogul—for real though. He’s an entrepreneur, pastor, husband to Natasha, father of two daughters, CEO of @millermediagroup, founder of @marriedandyoung, and online campus pastor at All Nations Chicago. Yeah, he’s pretty awesome! This episode, we chat about how he’s an advocate for sliding into DMs (just wait until you hear the way he met his wife), plus he gives you the truth about why that guy is not asking you out. We all walk around with expectations, whether it’s the way we think we’ll meet our person or what qualities we think they’ll have. This episode will help you step into reality and open you up to the possibilities ahead of you.

 

Expectations vs Reality

  • Is your expectation of a rom com meet-cute fairytale keeping you from trying the dating apps or sliding into DMs?
  • You’ve heard of the IG DM slide, but what about the Facebook messenger slide? Yeah, that’s where it all started for Jamal and Natasha.
  • Phone calls turned to skype dates, which then turned into meeting face to face. Losing hope for your dating life in quarantine? Fairytale endings can grow out of socially distanced beginnings.

 

The Dream Guy Checklist

  • “You have to first go through the process of divorcing the person in your head.”
  • We walk around with an image in our head of the exact person we think we should be with and it’s preventing us from seeing the person we’re actually meant to be with.
  • Don’t count out a guy you’ve known forever just because they aren’t new and exciting.
  • “Your feelings don’t know your future.”
  • Are men intimidated by strong women? If he is, he’s the wrong guy. “You want a man who is inspired by you.”

 

Friend Zone vs. Danger Zone

  • Men and women can be friends, but not best friends. That’s the danger zone where things can get complicated and messy.
  • There needs to be clear communication from the start so that nobody gets emotionally tied to the other person and ends up hurt.
  • “Friendship is a breeding ground for marriage.”
  • Relationships can grow out of friendships when there’s communication and respect.
  • “If you’re going to be a bad friend, you’re going to be a bad spouse.”

 

Give Him a Nudge

  • You’re not comfortable pursuing? Well guess what, some guys aren’t comfortable pursuing either. Fear of rejection is REAL, you guys. 
  • He might be timid. Be willing to create space to allow him to pursue.
  • He might be still learning how to lead. He’s allowed to be in progress.
  • He might be unsure of if you like him. Give him a little nudge. If he doesn’t respond, he might not be ready or interested.

 

How to Be Part of the Solution

  • Pray for mentors in the lives of men to lift them up—"Those are your future husbands.”
  • Take responsibility as a woman and fight for the men in your life. 
  • Instead of complaining and lamenting—pray for him.

 

Resources

  • Keep up with Jamal on Instagram at @jamalmiller and his wife, Natasha, at @natashaannmiller.
  • Listen to Natasha Miller’s episode of TRC, “How to Plan for Marriage Not Just a Wedding,” here.
  • They share their love story in a YouTube video— check it out here.

 

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

 

I have been a full-time photographer for over a decade and the digital delivery of client images in 2020 has made things simple, but there is still something really special about handing your client a physical keepsake. That’s where USB Memory Direct comes in. They make USB flash drives customized with your logo, and have over 50 styles to choose from in different shapes and materials. Head over to usbmemorydirect.com,and be sure to use code TRC20 at checkout to take 20% off your first order of custom flash drives.

 

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

Oct 07, 2020
Dream Interpretation with Andi Andrew
01:05:56

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

Andi Andrew is a dear friend of mine and I am glad to finally have her on the podcast! She is a wife, mother of four kiddos, pastor, author, and speaker. She and her husband, Paul, are lead pastors at the Liberty Church in NYC. She also launched She is Free in 2015, a movement that equips women to walk in freedom. Today we’re talking about dream interpretation, a prophetic dream she had in 2016, and we unpack a recurring dream I’ve been struggling to understand.

 

“As if posting a picture on our social media channels alone solves the massive problems we see all around us. If we could intentionally put our phones down more often and be about our father’s business…we’d see the change + transformation we so eloquently post about on our feeds…I think we can all agree that the last thing a lost and dying world needs is an army of ‘cute entertainers’ who are only interested in saving ourselves while spouting our opinions and putting on a show with an impotent gospel that temporarily fixes our symptoms instead of healing the heart, soul + body.” – Andi Andrew, Fake or Follower

 

A Prophetic Dream

  • Andi had a dream back in the election season in 2016… a tumultuous time.

  • She was walking down the street with her children. There was an angel on her shoulder. She noticed people taking selfies in front of piles of dead bodies along the road. 

  • Andi felt no fear in the dream and her angel told her to walk into the destruction.

  • “God, is this a nightmare? Do I need to be praying for our city?” The Lord told her that no, it was the state of the church.

  • God was telling her that the church needs its foundation to be rebuilt and that it will take longer than we want it to, but it will happen.

  • “In this season, God is really stripping the layers back of the church and of our lives so that we can hopefully wake up and pay attention.”

  • It’s time to go back to the simplicity of the gospel. Get rid of the bells and whistles and focus on devotion to God, each other, prayer, unity, and community.

 

4 Different Types of Dreams

1.     Soul Dream

  • This is your brain processing the day. If you watched a certain show or listened to a certain song that day, it could be weaved into the dream.

2.     Demonic Dream (night terror/nightmare)

  • These are not from God.

  • The enemy is showing you his hand— use this to pray specifically to God.

3.     Prophetic Dream

  • They could be personal, for others, or for a collective of people.

  • Discernment: when and where to share, or are you just supposed to pray for others during this time?

4.     Personal Discipleship Dream

  • If there’s something that you haven’t dealt with from your past, it could keep coming to you in your dreams.

 

Common Dream Symbols

  • Numbers and colors are important. If you remember small details of your dreams, write them down!

  • Different types of buildings and vehicles have different meanings: towers, open fields, scary forests, cars, airplanes, motorcycles.

  • “The word of God, the Holy Spirit, is going to be your greatest teacher.”

 

How to Interpret Your Dream

  • Stay in the word of God— read it all the time.

  • You need to be able to discern if your dream is from you, from God, or from the enemy.

  • Pray! “Holy Spirit, does this have a meaning?”

  • Write down the details of your dreams first thing in the morning.

  • If you’re receiving a prophetic message for another person, “Ask God: Am I meant to share this or am I just meant to pray for this person?” and always approach the person with humility. 

 

Resources

 

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

 

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! 

Sep 30, 2020
[BONUS] The Messy Middle: When Your Shame Becomes Your Redemption with Mary Marantz
57:33

“She kept going until she looked good on paper, but it never made her feel more real.”

-Mary Marantz

 

How human is it to want something, try and fit the bill, and then finally fit the bill and feel like you’re suffocating? Mary Marantz and I talk all about this on the podcast this week. She grew up in a single-wide trailer, then went on to go to Yale Law School. She recently shared her story in her book Dirt that just came out this month. It’s a story that reminds you that you never really know a person.

 

Dirty Beginnings

  • She shares how looking back on such small beginnings, it’s easy to romanticize it in hindsight or from the outside looking in. But when you’re in it, it’s anything but.
  • God said to her, “This is muddy and it’s hard and it’s not what you wished for and you wished you had someone else’s story, but I’m not done writing.”
  • When she was little, the thing she wanted the most was a real house with a real roof. She imagined a blueprint of a home trying to redraw itself to be perfect. 
  • “She kept going until she looked good on paper, but it never made her feel more real.”

 

Chasing the Shiny Fairytale

  • A large part of her always wanted to go to law school, but sometimes we chase things so grand like law school just to feel like we’ve redeemed our small beginnings.
  • At the start, she was hoping to go to a more local law school, but in a movie-like scenario, her friend submitted her application to Yale and she got in.
  • Later on, she decided to start a photography business with her husband (she met him online, y’all!!!) They took big risks in business— she never wants to live a life that is safe.

 

Carrying Your Past + Honoring Your Dirt

  • “Is it something heavy you’re carrying? Is it a burden? Or is it some precious thing you’re carrying carefully?... For me, it’s the second one.”
  • “I would no more try to run away from the dust in my life that represents the creation of God than I would try to run away from the mud in my story that represents the genesis of my story.”
  • Look at your dirt and see the power of where you come from instead of the shame.
  • “There’s no amount of running where you can outrun you.”

 

Resources

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out!

 

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)!

Sep 28, 2020
Is God Holding Out On You? A Conversation with Lisa Bevere
52:39

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

This week, I’m chatting with the incredible Lisa Bevere. You may recognize her as the author of GodmothersLioness Arising, and Girls with Swords. Or you may recognize her as the mother of Addison Bevere, whom I interviewed a few weeks back (here’s Part I of our interview on dating and relationships, and Part II on why so many people are leaving the Church right now). Lisa has four sons, so we spoke about men’s perspective on dating, plus we talk about the things she would have done differently at the start of her marriage and how single women can step into nurturing roles.

 

Why Are so Many of us Single + Stuck? Here’s 4 reasons:

  • Decision Paralysis.
  • Perfection vs. Growth Mindset.
  • Intimidation.
  • Spiritual bypass.
  • “God is not holding out on you… I would rather ask big than fail to ask.”

 

What Risks Do You Wish You Would’ve Taken?

  • Lisa shares how she would have approached friendships and her relationship with her mother differently.
  • “Holding unforgiveness against somebody doesn’t protect us. There’s a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation.”
  • Lisa reflects on the ways she didn’t give her whole heart to her husband in their first years of marriage.

 

Where Are All the Single Men?

  • Think of how you would feel if you were constantly hearing men say, ‘There are no good single women out there.’ That would feel pretty demotivating, right?
  • “Our words create the reality of our lives.”
  • We wonder why fear rules our lives, but look at what we are constantly speaking over our lives. We worry our worst fears will come true rather than think about what would happen if our wildest dreams come true.

 

Stepping Into Nurturing

  • Lisa’s newest book, Godmothers, is all about the importance of Godmothers and the nurturing they give.
  • What we may not realize is that we don’t need to be a mother or a wife to be someone who nurtures.
  • How can you walk this out? Be a peacemaker. Talk about how you can move forward and know when it’s time to stop talking and start moving. 
  • “Slow to speak. Quick to listen. Slow to wrath.”

 

Resources

  • Keep up with Lisa at LisaBevere.comand on IG at @LisaBevere.
  • Check out Lisa’s podcasts here.
  • You can buy Lisa Bevere’s book, Godmothershere.
  • Check out her work with Messenger International here.
  • Listen to Addison Bevere’s episode on dating and relationships here.
  • Listen to Addison Bevere’s episode on why people are leaving the Christian church here.

 

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

 

You know how they say it takes a village to raise a kid? Well, this podcast is like my baby. Did you know you could financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! 

Sep 23, 2020
What If I Don’t Know Who I Am: Identity, Trauma and Stepping Into the Unknown with Jedidiah Jenkins
57:05

Is it ok if I don’t know ‘who’ I am…we all want to be somebody. 

But what is a somebody?

—Jedidiah Jenkins

 

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

This week, I’m chatting with travel writer, public speaker, and my good friend Jedidiah Jenkins. A few years ago, Jed made the decision to leave his job to pursue his dream: bike to Patagonia and write a book about it. And he did it. The book, To Shake the Sleeping Self, made the NYT Best Sellers List. Multiple times! Fun fact: we used to be roommates, so we share some fun stories from the good old days. We also chat about people-pleasing tendencies, learning to be your truest self, what our biggest fears can teach us, and why it’s important to name our traumas.

 

“When you start to step towards what feels true, you might ruffle feathers, but what you’ll find is people that look up and go ‘Oh my God, me too.’”

 

Being Gay in the Church

  • Jed was raised Christian, realized he was gay and was told it was bad.

  • “It’s a horrible thing to wake up into a consciousness as a child and realize that something innately inside you, everyone if they found out would reject you… That is a horrible darkness.”

  • This led him to try and be perfect. “If I’m not inherently good, then I must earn it.”

  • When he got to be 30 years old, he decided to really live his life, despite his biggest fear of be

  • Jed opens up about the complicated relationship he has with his mother throughout his journey of becoming who he really is.

When Your Biggest Fears Become Your Reality

  • I open up about when my biggest fear became a reality: my dad having a drug relapse—and found instead of destroying me; it became one of the biggest access points for growth in my life.

  • “Being tested is the revelation of who you are, so I wouldn’t trade that for the world.”— Jed

  • Jed’s worst fear was rejection by everyone, and the opposite happened. “I’m lucky because I have a mother who loves first and is righteous second.”

 

If you don’t heal your past; it will haunt you.

  • 3 Practical things to do to begin walking towards freedom from trauma:

  1. Identify + speak your trauma out loud in safe spaces.

  2. Only then can you start to see how even the darkest moments have led you to who and where you are today.

  3. Release it—if we don’t heal our past; it will haunt us.

  • Jed shares a quote from Onsite, a trauma workshop experience based in Nashville: “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.” Even if we’re not aware of the trauma, our bodies and subconscious are.

  • Growth doesn’t mean that the struggle isn’t there anymore. It means you now have the tools to  handle the struggle when it pops up.

  • “Walk in the direction of what feels right. If it’s not right, it will tell you.”

 

Resources

  • Keep up with Jedidiah at JedidiahJenkins.com and on IG at @jedidiahjenkins.

  • You can buy his book, Like Streams to the Oceanhere.

  • You can buy his book, To Shake the Sleeping Selfhere.

  • Check out my IGTV response to purity culture here.

  • Check out Onsite, the therapist community in Nashville, here.

  • You can buy the book we talk about, The Body Keeps the Scorehere.

  • Get updates for my book, Sexless in the Cityhere.

 

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.

 

Are you using the right product for your hair? Function of Beauty is hair care that is formulated specifically for you. They create shampoo, condition, and treatments to fit your unique needs. First, you take a quiz telling them about your hair. Their team determines the right blend of ingredients, bottle your order, and send it all right to your door! Plus, they’re vegan and cruelty-free. Go to functionofbeauty.com/refined to take your hair profile quiz and save 20% off your first order.

Sep 16, 2020
[BONUS] Why Are So Many People Leaving the Evangelical Church Right Now?
41:46

On this special bonus episode, I’m sharing part two of my conversation with Addison Bevere. If you missed part one, listen here for our chat about first dates, vulnerability, and 3 practical ways to know if he’s ‘the one.’ This episode, we’re diving into a conversation about his book he just released called Saints: Becoming More Than "Christians." We explore the current climate of the Western Evangelical church. We’re in a mass exodus right now and to be completely real with you, there are times I’m embarrassed to be associated with Christian culture.

 

What it Means to Be Saints

  • The word “Christian” is only used three times in Scripture. The word “Saints” is used over 60 times. 
  • “Saints aren’t people who remove themselves from the struggles of our world, Saints are people who plunge into the messiness of this world. We are all called to be Saints.”
  • We discuss how so much of the Western Evangelical church has ignored the Black Lives Matter movement.
  • “We’re a family and a family isn’t whole and completely represented until every single person is at that table.”
  • The early church (the Saints) took Jesus’ words seriously and shared a Gospel that disrupted the status quo and turned the world upside down. It was a message worth trading their lives for. Can we say the same about today’s “Gospel”?

 

What Does it Means to Be a Christian

  • We’re living a post-Christian world, aka they’re moving on to secularism or DIY spirituality. What does this mean for Christians?
  • “People have reduced the Gospel to a transactional idea.”
  • A sin is a violation of relationships, and Jesus came to restore relationships. 
  • “That’s where the kingdom advances… at the intersection of relationship.”
  • The church is full of extremes. Some people think being saved is both the starting line and the finish line. However, other people make the finish line so far away that nobody can reach it.

 

Getting Back to the Heart of God

  • Is it possible to recover from feelings of embarrassment with the Christian culture?
  • Addison shares that he no longer calls himself a Christian. Instead, he says he is a follower of Christ because he doesn’t like the baggage of identifying as a Christian.
  • “We have to be willing to use new language.”
  • “Saints” is never mentioned in the singular. That’s because it’s about the “we.”

 

Resources

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Sep 11, 2020
Is He the One?: 3 Practical Ways to Know if You’ve Found 'The One' with Addison Bevere
45:16

Addison Bevere is the COO of the non-profit Messenger International and co-founder of Sons and Daughters TV. He also recently became a published author— he just wrote Saints: Becoming More Than “Christians.” We talked for SO long and about so many things that I decided to share this episode in two parts, so you’ll be getting a special bonus episode this week! In this episode, we talk all about love, dating, and relationships. He shares the story of how he got married young and had children right away, plus he gives practical tips to know if you’ve found the one.

 

“There’s joy and meaning and opportunity to be found in every season.”

 

How to Practice Vulnerability in Dating

  1. Clarity

o   “Clarity is a relationship’s best friend in every stage.”

  1. Remove the Pressure

o   Release the first date pressure of “Are they the one?” Instead, ask yourself “Did I enjoy my time?” and “Do I want to spend more time with them?”

  1. Chill out!

o   “We’re trying to answer questions we shouldn’t even be asking yet.”

 

Dating Real talk from a Dude:

  • Addison shares that for the most part, men can be oblivious to when girls are flirting and sometimes they’re just terrified of making a move.
  • “Wisdom transcends nuance, so when we seek to have a heart of wisdom, then we realize that God doesn’t deal in transactions, He deals in relationships.”
  • If you find yourself concerned about their spiritual journey, think more about if you’re on the same path rather than if you’re at the same point on the journey.

 

“God is the only one who gets to exist in the past, the present and the future. We get to live in the present.”

 

3 Ways to Know if They’re ‘The One’

  1. Peace
    • Philippians 4: It’s a peace that transcends all understanding.
    • Colossians 3:14-15: Peace is like an umpire.
    • I share a personal story of a time I almost got engaged and how I look back on that time and recognize I did not have peace in that relationship.
  1. Sacrifice
    • It’s important to ask yourself “Am I willing to lay down my life, in the context of marriage, for the rest of my life for this person?” 
    • People frequently think about their relationship by evaluating the other person.
    • We all evolve in different seasons of life. We will always be navigating new strengths and weaknesses.
  1. Growth
    • Does being with this person acknoweldge and encourage who you are today while inspiring you to be more? Both have to be true. 
    • “Open your eyes to the you that Christ sees.”

 

Resources

 

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.

 

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

Sep 09, 2020
Healing Heartache: How to Overcome Rejection, Break-Ups, + Heartbreak
01:02:56

“In the midst of chaos, there’s always a place where peace resides. 

We just have to find our way to it”. 

— Toni Collier

 

Thank you Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

I have the pleasure of talking to Toni Collier this week. She is a speaker, host, consultant, and the founder of a women’s ministry called Broken Crayons Still Color. She helps women process brokenness and move towards hope. (I spoke to her husband Sam Collier a few weeks ago on the podcast— you can listen here.) We had a wonderful conversation all about her process of healing from traumas, our daddy issues (shoutout to Beyonce), and how she moved from divorce to healing and love.

 

“Our childhood wounds become the hurdles of our adulthood.”

  

4 Big Hitters to Overcoming Heartbreak

  1. Self-awareness
    • Be honest and confront yourself.
    • Too often, we just survive through traumas. We need to understand that those traumas are not okay and heal from them. We also need to realize that healing isn’t overnight. 
  1. Lean in and do the work: 
    • what’s the bottom of your pit?
    • Because of the pain she endured in childhood, she found herself in situations that caused further trauma and pain.
    • “I turned into this extremely hurt, abused, bitter woman and it was leaking everywhere because our pain can just not stay silent.”
    • Beth Moorewas instrumental in Toni’s healing journey.
  1. Go to the root of the trauma.
    • Toni shares the success she had with EMDR and what it does to treat trauma.
  1. If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.
    • Unhealed trauma manifests in the present.
    • “Until we look ourselves in the eyes and become the healthy whole individuals that we want to date and marry, we’re going to perpetuate a cycle of single people roaming the earth.”

 

5 Quick Heartbreak Hacks 

  1. Unfollow + Block on social. If you think you’ll be tempted to search them, block them!
  2. Community: invite trusted people into the process with you.
  3. What brings you joy?
  4. Self-Care
  5. Back to the basics:

o   Eat well 

o   Sleep well.

o   Move your body.

 

Replenishment Cycle

  • The key here is to have a reserve of health that you can pull on.
  • Ask yourself, ‘What brings my soul, emotions, and spirit joy?’

o   Quiet time // Check out my 7-day devotional

o   Meditation // Check out my 30-day Bible study and meditation guide

o   Get in nature

o   Take care of yourself: nails, hair, get dressed. “The souls God gave us are inside of the bodies he gave us. We get to take care of them too.”

o   Working out

  • Set up consistency within your replenishment cycle. Commit to the healing process.
  • Now allowed: a text message from someone. “They cannot fill you up.”

 

Resources

 

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.

 

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

Sep 02, 2020
Why Does the Church Worship Marriage?
01:03:00

Today is a big day, friends, because I’m chatting with Jamie Ivey! A few years ago Jamie had me on her podcast The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey. AND it was the first time I ever opened up about my faith and singleness. It was astonishing to hear the response to that conversation and it is part of the reason I am writing a book. Today, we chat about her book, You Be You, understanding our callings, how the church worships marriage, and how to maintain healthy boundaries in friendships.

 

Does being single in the church feel like being JV to the Varsity of married couples ?

 

Worshipping Marriage

  1. We talk about how some people feel their biggest calling is being a wife or a mother and the ways it can be a problematic feeling:
  2. The 3 Marriage Myths:
  3. Marriage will solve your problems, and fix you. i.e. eating disorder, body image, addiction, etc.
  4. Marriage makes you more godly.
  5. Marriage will jumpstart your purpose and calling.
  6. “This is on us as the church to quit proclaiming marriage as God’s greatest gift to us. It is a good gift, but I am not any more special than you because I’m married.”

 

Can Men and Women Be Friends? (Ya we went there…again).

  • We chat about how if you shut yourself off from any male friendships, you’re missing out on getting to know so many people.
  • Jamie talks about the boundaries she and her husband stick to when it comes to guarding their marriage.
  • #1 thing to keep in mind in guy/girl friendships: COMMUNICATION. If you’re developing feelings for a guy friend… SAY IT! 

 

Knowing Your Calling

  • Sometimes we can feel so paralyzed when trying to identify our calling, but we tend to overcomplicate things.
  • 3 Questions to ask yourself to figure out your calling (brought to you by: Tim Keller) to Know Your Calling:

o   Affinity

o   Ability

o   Opportunity (check the full article here)

  • “God has equipped you to do something great.”

 

Resources

  • Keep up with Jamie at JamieIvey.com and on IG at @jamieivey.
  • You can buy Jamie’s book You Be You hereText FRIEND to 33777 and Jamie will send you a free downloadable print and talk to you about her book!
  • You can listen to her podcast The Happy Hour with Jamie Ivey here.
  • Listen to my conversation with Jamie Ivey on The Happy Hour Podcast here.
  • Watch Jamie’s family chat with Emmanuel Acho about being white parents raising Black children here.
  • Check out Tim Keller’s Calling Exercise PDF here.
Aug 26, 2020
[BONUS] Stop Saying "Sorry": How to Lead Like a BOSS
48:34

Dr. Sasha Shillcutt is a nationally renowned cardiac anesthesiologist and has witnessed gender-bias in her field. She’s also seen women withdraw and conceal their leadership. We ended up having a completely different conversation than we had planned because we started chatting about the idea of ‘bossiness.’ Do you ever stop and think of how many times you say “I’m sorry” throughout the day to make others feel more comfortable and diminish your own experience? We dive into why that is.

 

It’s Okay to be Bossy

  • We chat about how our tendency to apologize for everything dims our own light .
  • “We constantly have to ask ourselves: do we have permission to be ourselves today?”
  • Even if we call someone out on inappropriate behavior, we can fall into saying, “I’m sorry, but…” Dr. Sasha now says, “Can you repeat that?” You shouldn’t have to apologize to make someone else feel better about their inappropriate behavior.
  • “Being bossy saves lives. Taking action saves lives.”

 

Two Strategic Ways to Lead Like a Boss

  1. Leading statements
  • When you’re going into an assertive position, this is what you have to do: for the next five minutes you’re going to clearly define where you see [whatever project you’re working on] and you’re doing it this way so you can share clearly your stance.
  • If you anticipate getting emotional, say, “I’m not upset; I’m just super passionate about this.”
  1. The next time you’re in a room where a woman asserts herself, affirm her!

 

Four Ways to Negotiate Like a Boss (Even When You Don’t Know What You’re Doing)

  1. Know your non-negotiables and your bottom line
  • Get clear on the things that you will NOT do
  • Be willing to walk away from something good because you know you’re worth something amazing
  1. Realize your power
  • Start talking with women about how much you’re making
  • Sallie Krawcheck, the CEO and co-founder of Ellevest shared, “61% of womenwould rather talk about their own death than talk about money.”
  1. Know what the other party wants from you
  • How do you know what the other party wants?
  • What are the 3 highest goals for me this year?
  • How do you optimize yourself in those 3 areas?
  • There’s power in being the candidate that negotiates
  • As women, we just feel grateful we got the job
  1. Think long-term
  • This breakthrough will support future women
  • “I’m not just negotiating for Sasha, I’m negotiating for my family, my daughters coming behind me, my friends who are women. I’m negotiating for all of them and that empowers me.”

 

Resources

  • Keep up with Dr. Sasha Shillcutt at com and on IG at @becomebraveenough.
  • You can buy Dr. Sasha’s book, Between Grit and Grace: The Art of Being Feminine and Formidable, here.

 

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

Aug 24, 2020
Is My Sexual Desire Sinful?
32:04

I am so grateful to The Newsstand Studio at 1 Rockefeller Plaza for providing a place for me to record this episode for y’all! No more Brooklyn closet recording!!!

 

I never thought I’d be talking about things like sexual desire and masturbation, but the masturbation series broke records for downloads. So many of you reached out saying it was what you had been needing to hear. So here I am, back to talk about sexual desire. My heart today is to unpack for you a biblical vision surrounding sexuality and desire and for you to walk away with clarity and practical tools to walk out your sexual desire well in whatever season you may be in.

 

"You can't talk about sexuality without talking about how we were made. And that will inevitably lead you to who made us. At some point you have to talk about God. Sex. God. They're connected. And they can't be separated. Where the one is, you will always find the other.” Rob Bell, Sex God

 

God is NOT Afraid of Your Sexual Desire

  • The rhythm and repetition of the Creation account is filled with erotic language. “The climax of creation is the creation of humanity.”
  • Song of Solomon: Hebrew boys weren’t allowed to read it because it was so erotic.
  • Anyone that says this is just a metaphor for Jesus and the church is dismissing the layered and blatant text.
  • Psalms: And again, “I thirst for you, my whole being longs for youyour love is better than life…on my bed I remember you; I think of you through the watches of the night…I cling to you (Ps.63:1-8 emphasis mine). 
  • When was the last time you cried out to God with such visceral language because your longing for Him was so strong?

 

“God is not shy or embarrassed or afraid of desire or erotic language.”

 

What is Sexual Desire?

Spirituality can be described as a vast longing that drives us beyond ourselves in an attempt to connect with, to probe and to understand our world. And beyond that, it is the inner compulsion to connect with the Eternal Other, which is God. Essentially, it is a longing to know and be known by God (on physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual levels). This is why we are called to worship God with all that we are—body, mind and soul (Deuteronomy 6:4-9; Mark 12:29-31)…

 

Sexuality can be described as the deep desire and longing that drives us beyond ourselves in an attempt to connect with, to understand, that which is other than ourselves. Essentially, it is a longing to know and be known by other people (on physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual levels). It thus forms part of what it means to ‘love others as we love ourselves’ (Mark 12:29-31)…Our deepest longings as human beings are to be in relationship with God and our neighbor—this really and simply is the human condition…

 

Debra Hirsch, Redeeming Sex, page 16 (parantheses quote from Alan and Debra Hirsch, Untamed

 

Sexual Desire vs. Desire for Sex 

  • Sexual desire is the desire to connect outside of ourselves with others—this includes a natural desire for sex—but to say that our sexual desire is the same as our desire for sex is to take a multi-faceted 3-D experience and flatten it into 1-D stick figure.
  • Sexual desire is way more expansive than just bodies touching and fluids exchanging. 
  • God didn’t say humanity is good…but your sexual desire is only good in marriage—he just said it’s very good.
  • There has to be a way to embrace sexuality outside of marriage + outside of sex in a way that’s honoring. This is really good news! Especially for those of us who are single!
  • Having sexual desire is one of the most common human experiences—in fact, if you didn’t have desire—that’s a whole other conversation. Ultimately our sexual desire is a shadow of our desire for God.

 

Is My Sexual Desire Sinful?

God put the penis on the man, and he put the testicles on the man, and he filled those testicles with sperm. He created all tissue—some that would expand, some that would secrete; he filled the man with testosterone to walk through all creation and name the animals, to exercise God-given authority. When Adam was done with that, before sin entered the world, God said, ‘It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’.

 

I want to say it again: God’s the one who created and wire this whole thing. In Genesis 2, sin hadn’t even entered the world yet, and God said it wasn’t good for Adam to be alone. So he knocked him out, pulled out a rib, and shaped the woman. And as he shaped the woman differently, he gave her larger breasts, rounder hips, and a vagina. He filled the woman with a different hormone, estrogen. The woman’s body was not the Devil’s idea; it was all God’s doing.”

Matt Chandler, The Mingling of the Soulspage 13

 

Genesis 1 teaches us that GOD CREATED HUMANS AS HOLISTIC BEINGS. Our sexuality and desires are not a surprise to God; it’s not shameful or taboo: He created it and then called it good. Something about it reflects an aspect of who He is.

 

“God doesn’t make bad or gross or shameful things. All of who you are reflects the Genesis 1 God image in you.”

 

Resources

 

Thank you so much to this week’s sponsors of The Refined Collective Podcast!!

 

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.

 

I am so grateful for my friend Stephanie May Wilson and he her heart to create content to help me walk into a place of God’s presence with trust. She has a new journal called The Between Places: 100 Days to Trusting God When You Don’t Know What’s Next. It’s a prayer journal for seasons of waiting, uncertainty, transitions, and making big decisions. You can pick up your journal at smaywilsonshop.com and use code REFINED for 15% off!

Aug 19, 2020
What Dating in 2020 is Really Like…
01:06:19

This week, I two guests…double the fun y’all! I have the pleasure of talking to Yue Xu and Julie Krafchick, the podcast hosts of The Dateable Podcast. When they began, it was a whole lot of ‘dating sucks,’ but they’ve transitioned out of that to focusing on getting to the bottom of why people do the things they do. We’re chatting all things dating during COVID, dating in the midst of the BLM Movement, and ALL the things.

 

It’s Not Just You

  • Everyone thinks they’re alone in their dating struggles, but if you talk to enough people you find that it’s pretty universal.
  • “There’s so much looking outward at other people’s behavior that people forget to look at their own behavior.”
  • One of the biggest struggles in dating is that for a long time, there was just a lot of bad advice out there.

 

Lessons Learned from Hosting a Dating Podcast

  • “There’s no formula. Love cannot be hacked. It just doesn’t work that way.”
  • Julie and Yue share some of their own dating experiences— they even interviewed some of their first dates for their podcast!!
  • Dating doesn’t always end in marriage, and that is ok! Sometimes the outcome of a date is just a platonic relationship, and that’s okay.

 

What Dating in 2020 is Really Like… 

  • “This might not end for a while. We just don’t know. The only thing we can do is adapt to what we are given.”
  • Mindset is everything, whether you’re using this time to video date or focus on yourself.
  • “This could be a really great thing for our dating lives if we let it be.”
  • We talk about how more and more people are putting their support of Black Lives Matter in dating profiles, and I share a personal story of ending a first date with a man.
  • “A lot of times, we don’t know what’s important to us until we experience it.”
  • “The key to modern dating is to trust yourself. There isn’t a rulebook.”

 

Recourses

 

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.

Aug 12, 2020
What Does Being A Man Feel Like?
58:51

I have the absolute pleasure of chatting with pastor, author, and host of the A Greater Story podcast, Sam Collier. He just released a book called A Greater Story all about turning messes into miracles and how God redeemed stories in his life. We chat all about finding our own miracles during COVID-19, his personal journey finding his family, and what it’s like to be a man in the church.

 

Finding Miracles in COVID-19

  • “Every miracle is a reaction to the impossible.”
  • Because of COVID-19, Sam has lost family, he has struggled with launching his book, and being a speaker has been made incredibly difficult.
  • “Maybe this book can help people find the miracle that they need in this season.”
  • For those of us who may struggle with comparison, sometimes the miracle is just learning to trust God rather than a specific result we’ve been waiting for.
  • “When change happens, we tend to focus on the challenges. If you look there, that is all you’ll see. If you decide in the midst of the change to try to find the opportunity, then you may end up finding a miracle.”
  • “God never promised us perfection, but that He would be with us in the imperfection and that if He doesn’t move the move the mountain He’ll give us the power to climb it.”

 

Finding Family

  • “Whatever lack I was supposed to be experiencing from the absence of my biological family, I just didn’t have”
  • Sam shares his experience finding his biological mother and meeting her for the first time on national television.
  • He talks about the discoveries he made about himself when he found his biological family and how those things helped him understand who he is.

 

Being a Black Man

  • We talk about the differences between how the church fosters men versus women.
  • The male/female dynamics have shifted over the years, and we explore how we can find a balance of needing another person and being our own empowered individuals.
  • Sometimes it feels like our only options are what culture says vs what the religious spirit says. But there is a third option: what Jesus says.
  • “We want to feel strong. We want to feel like we matter. We want to feel like we’re important… like someone is proud of us.”

 

Resources

 

As a 35-year-old, the one thing I wish I knew in my 20s is that it’s never too early to start taking good care of your skin. I’ve recently become obsessed with Beauty Bio. They have an incredible microneedling tool called the GloPro. It helps create firmer, smoother, and younger looking skin with tighter pores. It’s financially accessible AND time efficient! Go to beautybio.com and check out their GloPro microneedling regeneration tool. Use TRC15 for 15% off your first order.

 

Are you using the right product for your hair? Function of Beauty is hair care that is formulated specifically for you. They create shampoo, condition, and treatments to fit your unique needs. First, you take a quiz telling them about your hair. Their team determines the right blend of ingredients, bottle your order, and send it all right to your door! Plus, they’re vegan and cruelty-free. Go to functionofbeauty.com/refined to take your hair profile quiz and save 20% off your first order.

Aug 05, 2020
Is Married Sex Better Sex?
01:11:45

“You can never say, do, or be the wrong thing to the right person.”—Hugette Montesinos Rodriguez

 

Hugette Montesinos Rodriguez is the CEO of Disfunkshion Magazine and has worked with thousands of women worldwide spreading her message of living a delicious life as she moves from fear to freedom. She is the most colorful person I know and I’m so excited to be talking with her about sex, specifically married sex, and if it was better because she waited for it.

 

A Non-Linear Love Story

  • After 9 months of marriage to her high school sweetheart, Hugette discovered some heartbreaking things that led to divorce.
  • She recalls turning to God in this season of heartbreak and healing. 
  • “You go from building a life and a future… to all of a sudden your entire foundation being completely destroyed.”

 

Love Fast

  • She remembers looking up at the midnight sky on New Year’s Eve promising that for the first 3 months of the year she’d turn all of her thoughts and hopes for love over to God.
  • She went ziplining in Costa Rica “…and that’s where I met my delicious husband.”
  • This was in the middle of her love fast, but she ended up connecting with him and he used a really smooth line on her.
  • As they began connecting more online, she noticed he was committed to God. 
  • Realizing she was getting interested, she was honest with him and told him she needed to not talk to him until April. He respected it.

 

Unlikely Love

  • Hugette shares a moment when it felt like God was working in her life in a major way.
  • After three months, they knew they wanted to get married. They spent a year and a half long distance dating and now they’ve been married for 5 years and have a wonderful 10-month-old baby girl.
  • In that time, Hugette was clear with him that she wanted to wait until marriage to have sex and his response was what everyone dreams they would hear.

 

Married Sex

  • Hugette shares what it was like for her to abstain from sex waiting for marriage when she had had sex in your previous marriage.
  • She is honest about the fact that sex with her ex-husband was painful and lacking compared to sex with her husband now.
  • “Every part of it… it’s like a party. It’s a celebration every time. I know I can be free and I can enjoy every bit of it.”
  • We chat about the difference between external and internal orgasm. The first time she experienced both was with her husband.
  • “It’s this mind-blowing experience. There’s a reason why this is so sacred. There’s that physical, spiritual, and emotional connection.”

 

Managing Expectations

  • There’s so much pressure around the wedding night that their wedding night was actually terrifying. But they were able to have an open conversation about it.
  • “Don’t go into marriage thinking you’re going to have mind-blowing sex on day one.”
  • Hugette shares that it’s important to think of more than just attraction.
  • “If life is this marathon that you’re going to run together, who is going to be your best teammate who is really going to be alongside you?”
  • She stresses the importance of communication and vulnerability. Tell him what you like.
  • “When a guy is really that into you, so much of his sense of pleasure and satisfaction comes from seeing the satisfaction in you.”

 

Resources

 

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Jul 29, 2020
How to Fight Fair: Do you want a healthy relationship or do you want to be right?
01:01:53

This episode is really special, friends. I didn’t come into this episode with a real plan for a direction our conversation would take and I’m glad I didn’t because it naturally went to some amazing places. This week, I’m chatting with Todd McCullough, founder of TMAC Fitness. We spoke about conflict resolution, fitness, our backgrounds as athletes, but we kept coming back to the value of relationship and community over being ‘right.’

 

Who We Really Are

  • As I read his bio, we chat about the fact that it’s so hard to keep them short and accurate.
  • Todd acknowledges that bios only show our accomplishments, and never the failures that led us to those accomplish those things.
  • We each share three bullet point failure moments that were pivotal to how we became the people we are shown to be in our bios.

 

Being Okay With Conflict

  • I tend to be okay with saying what needs to be said even if it’s going to ruffle feathers.
  • We tend to surround ourselves with people who act as an echo chamber for us. But is the goal in life to be conflict-free or to have unity?
  • “We would rather be right than actually find truth and I think that’s a breakdown right now in society.”
  • Todd shares his experience growing up in a conservative community and then living in a progressive community
  • He opens up about how he loves God, but he loves to listen to Sam Harris, who is an atheist, because it challenges him and helps him understand his faith on a deeper level.
  • “Why do I believe this?”

 

Black Lives Matter

  • Todd believes it’s important to judge the individual rather than the group. And I share my thoughts on systemic racism and corporate sin.
  • “The hard part about blind spots is that you can’t see what you can’t see.”
  • Todd shares his experience as someone with family members who are police officers.
  • He shares that he has had conversations with the Black people in his life about their interactions with police officers and they look different from the interactions he’s had.
  • “If you believe that we’re all brothers and sister, then you should look out for those that are being treated poorly.”
  • “Nobody wants to hear what you believe; people want to see how you live your life.”

 

“Does Jesus love the people I hate?”

 

Speed Round

  • Number one thing you can do to propel your wellness and fitness? His focus has shifted over the years from working out, to eating well, to meditation, but it has always circled back to one thing: having a healthy identity as an individual. “God’s not going to love me anymore if I have a six pack”
  • Is alcohol good or bad for your fitness? Depends on the individual. He shares his own drinking routine.
  • How is physical fitness a manifestation of your spiritual life? “We have a personal responsibility to give our best each and every day to our loved ones and our community. Fitness is simply a tool to do that.”

 

“Fitness is a tool to dive into the spiritual.”

 

Resources:

 

Who loves free workouts? Uhm, ME! Todd has a free 10-day at-home workout training plan. The workouts are 20 minutes, end with a meditation and prayer, and there is no equipment needed! How amazing is that? These workouts are for beginners and the more advanced. To get more info head over to bit.ly/trctmac.

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

Jul 22, 2020
Part II: Is Masturbation A Sin?
33:42

Today is part TWO of a conversation on masturbation on the podcast. If you missed part one, check it out here before you listen to this episode. This week, I’ll be walking through what the Bible says about masturbation and if it is really a sin. 

 

Is Masturbation A Sin?

Brokenness is the beginning of the gospel—David Kim. 

 

  • My honest answer is: yes, no, maybe.

o   Is it possible to touch myself and explore my body and experience pleasure and stay connected to myself, God, and others? I think so.

  • All the way from Genesis to Revelation there’s this rhythm we see of death to life, brokenness to restoration, renewal and redemption.[1]Clearly there is some real brokenness with masturbation, but if Jesus came to make all things new, is it possible that He could have a redemptive vision for this too[2]
  • 1 Corinthians 6:12-13; 10:23

o   Paul says it twice: Everything is lawful, but not everything is beneficial. Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial.

 

How Can Masturbation Be A Win?

  1. Pleasure
  • God is for our pleasure. How do I know? Taste buds, sunsets, brownie sundaes, and the only purpose of the clitoris is pleasure.
  1. Practice Healthy Consent
  • Consent in sexual encounters whether it’s a hug or sex is VITAL. But if we don’t know what we want or what feels good we won’t have the tools to communicate our wants and needs.
  • Masturbation can be a way to:

o   Know your body.

o   Know what feels good and doesn’t feel good.

o   And have the ability to communicate that.

 

  1. Mutual Honor and Acceptance
  • We put on other people a tenth of what we put on ourselves. If I judge, shame, dismiss my sexual desire and in essence don’t accept it, how can I accept my partner’s?

 

  1. Connection and Innocence
  • To God:

o   Mark 12:29-30— love God with all of you.

  • To self and others:

o   Matthew 18:3— be like little children.

o   If little children can masturbate in innocence, can we not get back to that as well?

 

  1. Practice Being Present: Sensuality
  • Dr. Celeste Holbrook, the Christian sexologist, describes sensuality beautifully: it’s the act of being present. She talks about how toddlers are the most sensual beings because they’re in a constant state of discovery.
  • Porn and masturbation are not mutually exclusive.
  • Removes fear and shame around body, self, and sexual desire.

 

Questions to Ask Yourself

  1. Am I addicted to porn?
  • I am not here to shame you if this is your story.
  • Masturbation for a person addicted to porn would be like a drunk living at a bar. Not a win for you right now.
  • Phylicia Masonheimer has some amazing resources for you around this topic.
  • Sexuality can be activated by abuse. If that is your story, I am so sorry and remember that it is never your fault. Your sexuality is not tainted and you have permission to work through this.
  1. Why am I feeling turned on right now?
  • 50 Shades of Grey, porn, or a normal Wednesday afternoon?
  1. What am I really looking for in this moment?
  • Connection?
  • Intimacy?
  • Release?
  1. How can I honor myself, God, and my future in this moment?
  • Really take the time to answer this question for yourself. 
  1. If shame weren’t a part of the conversation, how would I show up?
  • Shame and fear is not the heart of God— Ephesians 3— rooted and grounded in love. Jesus came for the abundant life— not a spirit of fear, but of power!
  • Is it possible to masturbate and stay present and not fantasize?
  • Is it possible to remain in healthy community with myself, God and others and masturbate?
  • Is it possible to experience self-pleasure and remain outward focused? Yes!
  • Grace Alone: In every other area of our lives we’re willing to fumble, but sexually we’re so terrified. It’s like 1-strike you’re out and sent to the pit of hell. No!
  • Just because some people may become alcoholics, doesn’t mean everyone will.
  1. Who am I becoming? (Jon Tyson)
  • What are the actions, words, choices of your life propelling you towards?
  • When to discern if this is problematic behavior?

o   Porn/erotica.

o   Isolation.

o   Keeping you from relationship.

o   Distraction from everyday activities.

o   Can’t work, go out, or sleep without it— like any addiction.

o   Fantasy land vs. real life.

 

So is masturbation a sin? Yes, no, maybe. Where is your heart? I have masturbated in all 3 scenarios. Give yourself permission to search your heart, to explore, and seek God’s heart. If fear is a part of the conversation, reject it!

 

Resources:

 

Books to Read:


[1] Timothy Keller. The Gospel in All Its Forms. Acts 29, December 12, 2008. https://www.acts29.com/tim-keller-explains-the-gospel/. Accessed September 10, 2019. Another incredible resource on this is the book Every Good Endeavor by Timothy Keller. It’s a book I wish  I would’ve read when I was in my 20s; it would’ve saved me a lot of heartache.

[2] “He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.” (New International Version, Revelation 21:5).

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

A HUGE shoutout to some of our newest Patreon supporters: Rhianna Duet, Cindy Chan, Chris Kottak, Mary Elizabeth, Mallory Stearns, Marina Mayer, and Nicole Magloire! We are so grateful for you!

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Jul 15, 2020
Part I: Is Masturbation A Sin?
40:42

Today is Part 1 of a conversation I have been avoiding having with you guys in a solo show.  I’ve been afraid of getting it wrong, and afraid of someone taking a sound bite out of context. But I don’t want fear to keep me from this dialogue. There’s also a reason I talk about masturbation in a workshop setting, in my online courses and with one on one coaching clients. It’s a nuanced conversation with a lot of grey areas which are harder to teach to the masses. However, I don’t think this information needs to solely go to people who have the budget for it. So today, I am diving right into Part I of a two part series on masturbation.

 

Here’s what I won’t do:

  • Tell you what to do.

  • Give you a script to regurgitate to yourself and others to justify any of your actions.

  • Shame or judge you for your past or your current decisions.

  • Try to fix you or convince you of anything.

 

What I hope to do:

  • Point you to Jesus, to Scripture, and to nuance.

  • Normalize a healthy conversation around sex, sexuality, desire, and yes— masturbation

o   The word alone can feel shame inducing, right? How many times do you say ‘masturbation’ out loud on a regular basis?

o   God is not ashamed of our sexual desire and sexuality—he created it (Genesis 1: 26-31).

  • Give you tools to equip you to navigate your faith, values, and a dialogue around masturbation.

  • Don’t take my word for it—I’m not God. This is where I am at after close to 7 years of researching, praying, doubting, trial and error, and tough conversations.

  • God created you with a mind—use it!

 

Finally, it’s ok if we don’t see eye to eye—we can still love, respect, and honor one another even if we come to different conclusions.

 

My Personal Story: 

Before we move forward with vision and walk out today with clarity, we have to be willing to look backwards: how, why, and through what means did we get here?

·      Home: ‘It’s okay to masturbate.’

·      School: Silence.

·      Friends: Silence, masked conversations, and shame.

·      Culture: ‘Do what feels good.’

·      Church: All wrong, all the time, shut down your desire until marriage—only guys struggle with sexual desire.

 

4 Questions to Ask Yourself

·      What do you currently believe about masturbation and why?

·      What were you taught about masturbation at home, school, from friends, culture, and church?

·      Where and how were those beliefs formed?

·      Are those sexual scripts/beliefs rooted in fear or freedom?

·      Identify the shame agenda + the Jesus agenda.

 

The Big ‘O’: The Power of the Orgasm

·      When we orgasm, dopamine and oxytocin are released in a surge in our bodies.

o   Dopamine is a neurotransmitter released from the reward center part of our brain associated with pleasure.

o   Oxytocin is a feel-good hormone. One of its sole purposes is to create deep bonds between people. This is like “soul ties.”

 

The Harem Within: C.S. Lewis

“For me the real evil of masturbation would be that it takes an appetite which, in lawful use, leads the individual out of himself…and turns it back: sends the man back into the prison of himself, there to keep a harem of imaginary brides. And this harem, once admitted, works against his ever getting out and really uniting with a real woman. For the harem is always accessible, always subservient, calls for no sacrifices or adjustments, and can be endowed with erotic and psychological attractions which no real woman can rival. Among those shadowy brides he is always adored, always the perfect lover: no demand is made on his unselfishness, no mortification ever imposed on his vanity. In the end, they become merely the medium through which he increasingly adores himself . . . .After all, almost the main work of life is to come out of our selves, out of the little, dark prison we are all born in. Masturbation is to be avoided as all things are to be avoided which retard this process. The danger is that of coming to love the prison”[1]

 

1.     My pleasure is #1 priority

·      Ephesians 5: Respect our husbands and husbands to serve their wives like Christ served the church.

·      Our sexual experiences with our spouses should be outward focused, let’s serve each other—not ‘I’m feeling turned on, get me off, and then roll over.’

2.     Ends on self

·      Sexuality = desire for ‘o’ others.

·      Gets us outside of our heads and into relationship and community with others.

3.     No iron sharpens iron here folks

·      Conflict resolution.

·      Mirrors of each other.

·      Constant growth.

·      “Brides always adored” or “yes men.”

4.     FANTASY LAND: Loving the prison more than real life

·      I don’t want to get so good at getting myself off that I don’t need another person.

·      91% of millennials masturbate (19 and 36 for SKYN's 2018 Millennial Sex Survey, and found that 91 percent of respondents masturbated. https://www.bustle.com/p/how-millennials-are-masturbating-in-2018-9121392)

·      2015—Pornhub site: 60% of its users were millennials.

·      Compartmentalized and scratching just of an itch that we don’t need to/want to take the risk of being in a relationship and dating.

·      Avoiding: heartbreak, awkwardness, conflict, rejection.

·      Is this why so many of us in the church are single? We’re getting just enough of our “itches” scratched that the risk of truly putting ourselves out there to be in a relationship is not worth it?

 

Don’t worry, I won’t leave you hanging. Process what we’ve just gone through today and get ready for Part 2 coming next Wednesday. In the meantime, journal through the questions I ask above under “4 Questions to Ask Yourself.” Make sure you’re subscribed to the podcast so the next episode will download straight to your devices!!

 

Resources:

·      Your Mind Matters by John Stott

·      How to Embrace Your Sexuality Mini Course

·      Sign up for one on one coaching with me here.

·      Get on my email list to get updates on my book launch.

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

[1] C.S. Lewis. Personal Letter From Lewis to Keith Masson found in The Collected Letters of C.S. Lewis, Volume 3: Narnia, Cambridge, and Joy 1950-1963. (New York: Harper Collins, 2007).

Jul 08, 2020
Breaking the Cycle of Sexual Exploitation: a Story of Restoration
52:37

Victim of sexual exploitation turned UCLA honor student, Harmony Grillo founded the non-profit Treasures in 2003 to help women and girls entrenched in sexual exploitation find freedom. She has provided training for the Department of Justice and the FBI and has helped launch outreaches in 120 cities worldwide. She shares her story in her memoir, Scars and Stilettos. This week on the podcast, we chat about how God has redeemed dreams in her life, how she learned to acknowledge the trauma bonds in her life and find freedom from sexual exploitation, and now help others find that same freedom.

 

Redeeming the Dream

  • Harmony shares some moments, big and small, where her dreams didn’t play out the way she wanted them to. God redeemed the dream every time.
  • “I’m living God’s promise of restoration.”

 

Trauma Bonds

  • Harmony’s history is full of abuse and trauma.
  • Later in her childhood, an older guy friend who she thought of as a protector became her abuser and exploiter when she worked in strip clubs.
  • Trauma bonds involve a power imbalance where there is erratic abuse and there are scattered times of good.

 

Freedom From Sexual Exploitation

  • She fondly remembers a girl she met at the time who loved her as she was and helped her on her journey to freedom.
  • “I didn’t start making those changes because someone told me that I should, I did it because it’s what I desired and what I felt like I was being invited to do as I walked out my path of growing in relationship with Him.”
  • She reflects on this time and realizes that she wouldn’t have had the same transformation she did if she was simply given a strict set of rules to follow.

 

Treasures

  • Treasures is Harmony’s faith-based organization, though it welcomes all religions. They meet everyone where they’re at and respect who they are as they are.
  • “What are we being invited into?”
  • “Sometimes the most therapeutic thing is a healthy, reciprocal relationship where you feel emotionally safe.”

 

Resources:

 

Resources on Women + Hyper-sexualization in Our Culture

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Jul 01, 2020
Insecure: Unpacking Attachment Styles
55:57

Relationship coach and expert Amanda Blair Hopkins is on the podcast this week for the second time ever! She is a previous guest on episode 36: How to Pursue Wholeness Before Pursuing a Relationship. She is a relationship coach for Lacy Phillips’s To Be Magnetic (who is a TRC Podcast guest as well: episode 46: How to be 100% in Your Worth.

 

It’s in the first few years of our lives that we learn how to relate and attach to the people we love. We learn patterns and behaviors that become so familiar to us they can be hard to identify. There are multiple different “attachment” styles in relationships. Do you know which one you are? Amanda unpacks what the four main attachment styles, and we both share personal stories as examples of our own. 

 

We also compromise in real time about the matching tattoo we’re going to get!

 

 

What Are Attachment Styles?

  • John Bowlby, author of Attachment and Loss, found the way you attach to your parents/caregivers in childhood is the way you attach to your romantic partners later in life.
  • Essentially, your attachment style is built on what you learned love is.
  • Changing your attachment style is possible, but it takes hard work and consistency.
  • “Realizing what your attachment style is offers you a lot of freedom. It gives you a way to remember that at your core you are whole. You are love. You are divine. That idea that you could be broken is false.”
  • Don’t let your type become an excuse not to grow. 

 

Breaking Down The 4 Attachment Styles

  1. Anxious (Insecure)
  • When you were a baby through 14 years old, it was the way your parents attuned to you. They weren’t always meeting your needs, so you learned that love is unstable and untrustworthy. 
  • If you’re anxious, work through this exercise here.
  1. Avoidant (Insecure)
  • The parent wasn’t getting their own needs met, so they didn’t meet their kid’s needs. The kid shuts down to their needs so they shut down their emotions to avoid rejection. They keep love at arm’s length to avoid being engulfed by it.
  • Ex: They’ll say they’re very independent because they learned early on to shut down their needs. In relationships, they’ll have walls up, fail to be vulnerable, and they may come on super strong in the beginning and then as soon as it gets real, they pull away.
  1. Anxious/Avoidant (Insecure)
  • A combination of Anxious and Avoidant.
  1. Secure
  • Parents were attuned to the child, so their needs were met and there was a trust there. Then, in adulthood, they trust that people mean what they say and that they will do right by them.

 

The Healing Journey

  • “It is progress, not perfect. You have to look for the progress because that is what will help you along this path.”
  • We talk about how sometimes you have to really run into the fire to learn your lesson, instead of going through a bunch of minor lessons that never really stick. Running into the fire could be an important part of your healing process. 

 

6 Practical Ways To Become Secure

  • Read Attachedand do more research on attachment theory.
  • Take inventory of your last five relationships: what happened, how you felt, what you feel you did, what you feel they did. Notice any patterns and moments when your attachment style activated in those relationships.
  • Walk through this process with a coach (Amanda takes one on one clients!)
  • If you’re anxious, start speaking up, communicating your needs, understanding your boundaries, and holding your boundaries.
  • If you’re avoidant, get out there, get seen, be vulnerable with friends or online.
  • Support all of this work with the energetic work Amanda teaches with To Be Magnetic.

 

Feeling Stuck?

  • Work with someone along the process—we were never meant to go through life alone. We all need guidance. 
  • “If you have hit a wall, get someone to help you climb over it or see that there’s no wall there, or climb underneath it or walk over it. That help will get you so much further, because you could stare at that wall for three years.”
  • A virtual ACA 12 Step rooms (Adult Children of Alcoholics) is a great place to start if finances prevent you from investing in the process. It is for anyone who experienced dysfunctional family relationships.

 

What happens when you get triggered into old behavior?

  1. Awareness
  2. Self Care
  3. Practice Calming Techniques i.e. EFT tapping, breathwork (link to Jackie V. podcast), meditation (like to meditation blog post), + anxiety relief exercises (link to blog post)

 

8 Resources to step into more Secure Attachment Styles

  • You can find Amanda on IG at @xoamandablairand her blog AmandaBlair.org.
  • To schedule a coaching session, go to tobemagnetic.comand book her through the one on one menu page. She is not a Christian, but I trust her to coach me because she honors that part of me.
  • Listen to Amanda’s first episode of The Refined Collective here.
  • Listen to Lacy Phillips’s episode of The Refined Collective here.
  • Buy the book Attachedhere.
  • Interested in learning more about EFT Tapping? Listen to Jackie Viramontez’s episode of the podcast hereand check out her Etched Daily resources here.
  • For a Christian perspective on attachment, check out How We Lovehere.
  • Check out our resources for anxietyand meditation for beginners.

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Jun 24, 2020
Are You Blocking Yourself From Love?
53:46

Jillian Turecki is a NYC based certified relationship coach, yoga teacher and writer. For 20 years, she has been studying the body and the mind. Fueled by an insatiable curiosity about what makes a relationship thrive. Through her work, Jillian has helped thousands revolutionize their relationship with themselves so that they can transform their love lives. Jillian is sought out for her compassionate, direct, and very authentic style of coaching and teaching. Under the tutelage of Tony Robbins and world-renowned family therapist Cloe Madanes, Jillian is certified by the Robbins Madanes Center for Strategic Intervention.

 

“Our entire experience of life boils down to relationship. From the intimacy we crave with a partner to the success we achieve through our work. None of it is possible without understanding our own psychology and the psychology of those we relate to. We never learned this at school, but it is learnable.” - Jillian Turecki

 

What does it mean to be blocked from love?

  • Your psychology determines your energy and how you show up in your life.
  • “Just because you really want something, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s coming to you as quickly as you would like it to come.”
  • When we’re in a desperate place we’re blocking ourselves.

 

5 Ways to identify if you’re blocking yourself from love?

  • Are you afraid? Maybe you want a relationship, but you also associate a lot of pain with relationships.
  • Are you losing faith? Or maybe you’ve put yourself out there so much + are losing faith that it’ll happen.
  • What’s fueling your desire? Anxiety, desperation, fear?
  • Do you feel desperate for love?
  • Maybe even obsessed with a relationship? Like your life, purpose, and calling revolve around getting married. (aka…my life will start when I meet my person)?

 

How our beliefs impact our ability to attract love:

  • Whatever we believe, we’ll see evidence of it everywhere.”
  • You have the ability to challenge your beliefs: 
  • Is this really true? 
  • Is it possible you could be wrong?
  • We don’t do anything that doesn’t have a side benefit. 
  • Ask yourself these 2 questions: 
  • What’s the reward you’re getting for the beliefs? 
  • Why are you trying to keep yourself safe + protected?

 

A Roadmap to Clear the Way for Love: 6 Practical things you can do today.

  • Identifythe beliefs that are holding you back.
  • Break freefrom the addiction of surrounding yourself with people with the same limiting beliefs. Talk to people who don’t share those beliefs about love and are able to offer you a different perspective.
  • Identify the experiencesin your life that have led you here.
  • Ask yourself:Is your perspective freeing you or choking you?
  • Self-worth:When we obsess over love, it’s because deep down we doubt we’re worthy of it.
  • Enough-ness:Where are your fears of not being enough getting in your way?

 

#1 thing you can do to unblock love:

Learn how to be secure in your worth and make yourself happy as opposed to waiting for someone to make you happy:

  • Marriage is not the be all end all.
  • Mixed Messages: if someone is uncertain about you—there have to be boundaries.
  • “If a guy likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you’ll be confused.”

 

How buying into the myth of the ‘independent woman’ could be keeping you from love:

  • Are you independent, codependent, or interdependent?
  • Codependence: I can’t be happy unless you’re happy. I don’t know what my needs are. I can’t focus on my life because I’m only focusing on yours.
  • Independence:I don’t need anyone. If I’m vulnerable I’m weak.
  • Interdependence:I love you, but I don’t need you to make me happy.

 

Resources:

  • Check out Jillian’s website here, where you can join her Conscious Woman Membership.
  • Follow Jillian on Instagram at @jillianturecki
  • Have any questions for Jillian? Reach out to her here! Or email her atinfo@jillianturecki.com.

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

A HUGE shoutout to some of our newest Patreon supporters: Judy Mills, Amanda Curry, Jane Jackson, and LB! We are so grateful for you!

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Jun 17, 2020
The Gorgeous Grey: Gratitude in a Time of Grief with Ty Alexander
55:42

Today, I am chatting with the wonderful Ty Alexander! She is the author of Things I Wish I Knew Before My Mom Died, where she talks about how women of color need a space to discuss their mental wellness without judgement or shame. She has created a wellness community for women to do just that. In this episode, we chat about finding joy in life, how to approach grief and healing, how to care for yourself before others, and how to be a true ally right now.

 

Finding Joy + Healing

  • The Renaissance Woman: Ty talks about pursuing the things in life that bring her joy, recently that has been DJing.
  • “So I’m supposed to live until 90 or 100 and I only have one joyful thing that I like to do? That’s absurd.” 
  • One thing that has always brought Ty a lot of joy is writing. She discovered the therapeutic effects of writing and journaling at a young age.
  • Writing has helped her with both releasing her feelings as well as expressing them to others.
  • “I am solely operating as God’s vessel, so whatever lane He wants me to be in, whatever conversations He wants me to be a part of, I just kind of move through that.”
  • “I can be joyful and be sad too. They run parallel. You experience them both.”

 

Recovering From Another’s Addiction

  • Ty remembers the moment she realized her father’s addiction problems were resurfacing when her mother became sick.
  • “That was the first time that 1) I realized I need to put myself first and 2) the first time I realized that my dad was a human being first.”
  • Ty shares what forgiveness looks like for her, specifically when it came to forgiving her father who struggled with addiction. It didn’t bring closure.
  • “Forgiveness just means that I acknowledge that something happened, I acknowledge that it was bad, and I’m going to move on.”
  • “That baggage— while that’s my dad— that’s not my baggage. That’s your bag and should you need help figuring out how to unpack it, how to move it along, I can, but I can’t touch your bag.”
  • She shares the guilt she felt from herself when she didn’t go see her mother in her final moments. She is able to look back now and recognize that she made the right choice for herself.

 

Fighting Racism + Becoming an Ally

  • At the time of recording this, not many people were discussing the murder of Ahmaud Arbery. Ty shares that she felt like the only one using her voice for the unheard.
  • Ty shares that being an ally is more than just reposting on Instagram. If something she shares on social media inspires you, take that information and apply it to real life. Bring it out and use it at dinner table conversations.
  • “You have to be able to be brave enough to gut check your family members or your friends.”

 

Parting advice from Ty: “You really have to practice being able to serve you first in whatever capacity you need it.”

 

Resources

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Jun 10, 2020
Why Black Lives Matter
42:01

“For me, I believe that Black lives matter. That’s what I said. Anyone with a functioning brain understands that all lives matter. Anybody. But right now there is a portion of our community that is frustrated, and they are suffering, and they are hurting. So, as an empathetic Christian I’m gonna go and say I agree with the statement Black lives do matter. But I was glad some people disagreed with me, because I kept saying, do Black lives matter yes or no? yes but…I’m like there is no but. We disagree. Those are the same type of people that would have interrupted Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount. Jesus would have been like, blessed are the poor…no Jesus blessed are all people. Since when does highlighting one issue disparage another? Are we not secure enough to be able to sit here and go issue by issue and talk about one without disparaging another? Of course all lives matter, but it’s okay to say Black lives matter. What’s wrong with you? This is not rocket science. All lives matter. No kidding. That’s why Black lives matter, because until all lives matter equally, we need to focus on this.”

-Carl Lentz, 2016

 

This is the most important episode I will ever release. I hope you approach it with an open heart.

 

Just recently:

George Floyd was murdered by a police officer while three other police officers stood by and did nothing.

Breonna Taylor was in her home in the middle of the night when police broke in, unannounced, and shot her to death.

Ahmaud Arbery was out for a run when two men chased him and shot him to death.

Christian Cooper was bird watching in Central Park when a woman threatened to call the police and say that an African American man was threatening her life. He was not.

 

It doesn’t stop there. The following Black men and women have been murdered by police:

Philando Castile

Atatiana Jefferson

Eric Reason

Natasha McKenna

Botham Jean

Walter Scott

Bettie Jones

Tamir Rice

Michael Brown

Dominique Clayton

Eric Garner

Trayvon Martin 

Tanisha Anderson

Sandra Bland

Freddie Gray

 

THESE ARE JUST THE NAMES WE KNOW. Do you know how hard it is to find a full list of Black people who have been murdered at the hands of police brutality? 

 

Here’s a brief history of the Black lives lost in our country over the past few years along with the #Blacklivesmatter gaining momentum:

 

·      2013: #Blacklivesmatter first appears on twitter

·      7/17/14: Eric Garner dies in NY after being arrested

·      8/9/14: Michael Brown is killed during an encounter with police officer in Ferguson, MO.

·      11/22/14: Tamir Rice is killed by police in Cleveland while playing with a toy gun

·      11/24/14: Announcement that there will be no indictment in Michael Brown case

·      4/19/15: Freddie Gray dies in Baltimore while in police custody

·      6/17/15: Charleston church shooting kills 9 people

·      7/13/15: Sandra Bland is found hung in Texas jail cell

 

STATS

·      99% of killings by police from 2013-2019 have not resulted in officers being charged with crime.

·      Unarmed Black people were killed by police at 5x the rate of unarmed white people in 2015.

·      Police killed at least 104 unarmed Black people in 2015— nearly 2x a week.

·      1 in 3 young Black men will be incarcerated in their life (compared to 1 in 17 white men).

·      13TH DOC: “The film’s premise is that while the 13th Amendment to the Constitution eliminated slavery and involuntary servitude, it in effect had an unintentional loophole that asserted “except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted.”

·      Black people make up 6.5% of the American population but make up 40.2% of the prison population.

·      Our prison population went from less than 200k in 1970 to 2.3m today. This is what we refer to when we talk about mass incarceration.

 

THERE ARE PROVEN STRATEGIES that significantly reduce police killings, but very few Police Departments have adopted them. These are:

  1. Requirements that officers use all means other than shooting (decreases death by 25%)

  2. Requires all use of force be reported (decreases death by 25%)

  3. Bans chokeholds + strangleholds (decreases death by 22%)

  4. Has use of force continuum (decreases death by 19%)

  5. Requires de-escalation (decreases death by 15%)

  6. Duty to intervene if another officer uses excessive force (decreases death by 9%)

  7. Restricts shooting at moving vehicles (decreases death by 8%)

  8. Requires warning before shooting (decreases death by 5%)

*You can call your local representatives and demand these 8 things be instituted with your local law enforcement. Want to learn more? Click here: https://8cantwait.org

 

WHY DO BLACK LIVES MATTER? My Personal Reckoning: 2016

·      I didn’t realize my own white privilege for a long time. I felt better than the other white people when it came to bias and racism because I grew up in a broken home filled with drugs, addiction, affairs, and even lived in a town where I was a minority. The reality is I have loved Black culture for most of my life, but I have done very little to be an advocate for justice for my Black brothers and sisters. I’m so sorry for this.

·      I received a DM from a Black woman who encouraged me to diversify who I was interviewing on The Refined Woman. Almost all of my collaborations and interviews for the first few years of The Refined Woman were with white women. I was a white girl blogger.

·      In 2016 I also wrote an All Lives Matter blog post that fortunately never went live. I didn’t understand what it meant that Black Lives Matter. As a Christian I assumed didn’t all lives matter? Thank God I have a team, and thank God I didn’t go live with that painful article. I was very, very wrong. 

 

Black Lives Matter, and here’s why:

 

Jesus was a 1st Century Palestinian Jewish man. He had brown skin and was hated by the religious, and beaten and killed by law enforcement. If he was alive today in America, he’d be a minority immigrant who probably wouldn’t step foot inside white evangelical churches except to flip over tables. The Western Evangelical Church in America has become a religion for rich, advantaged, and privileged white people—which is the exact opposite of the roots of Christianity and the life of Jesus. Jesus hung out with the oppressed people of society, those ostracized, those who didn’t feel safe in the church—those who were judged and cast off. He fought for justice, restored dignity and humanity from the woman at the well, woman caught in adultery, to touching people with contagious diseases and engaging with people outside of the Jewish law which would have made him unclean in Jewish circles. But he didn’t care, because He was on a mission to do God’s work.

 

Friend, if you are a follower of Jesus and do not have a heart for justice, racial reconciliation and to see the systemic walls, pillars, and foundations of racism in our country to be dismantled, you are out of alignment with the heart of God.

 

Who does Jesus care about?

 

-       Prodigal Son returns: the jealous brother instead of the father rejoicing over the return + safety of his son. But don’t I matter—OF COURSE YOU MATTER, BUT YOUR BROTHER WAS LOST + NOW IS FOUND. 

 

-       Luke 15: Jesus leaves the 99 to go after the one sheep. He cares about the individual.

 

It’s time to get back in touch with the heart of Jesus. Do all lives matter? YES. But until Black lives matter—we better go after that. Jesus went after the one.

 

What can you do? 

 

#1: Acknowledge

If we don’t heal our past, it will follow us. And ours is HAUNTING US.

-Kat Harris

 

1.     Until we acknowledge the experience of what it means to be a Black person in America there is no chance at healing.

2.     When someone dies, you show up.

3.     “I don’t know the full story.” You don’t have to.

4.     “People are just reposting for attention…not for the right reasons.” You don’t know their hearts. And so what? Does that mean you get to stay silent?

5.     Here’s what’s true: in 1619 was when the first wave of Black people were kidnapped from Africa to become slaves in Jamestown. July 4th isn’t a celebration of independence for Black people. They weren’t free when those freedom bells rang. America was built on the backs of terrorism and genocide and slavery of Black people, people of color and indigenous people.

6.     If we don’t heal our past, it will follow us. And ours is HAUNTING US.

7.     We have to look back before we can move forward.

8.     One of the first things we can do is acknowledge our white privilege. What is white privilege and how do you know if you have it? Go through these statements.

 

#2: Get Curious

I STARTED NOTICING + GETTING CURIOUS:

·      Why did I have so few Black friends?

·      Why were there some Black people and people of color at my church but none on staff or leadership or in the decision-making rooms?

·      I changed churches because I wanted to be a part of a community with women in leadership, then I noticed almost every week at church I could count on one hand the number of Black people at my church…why?

·      Why were influential Black Christian people like Lecrae + Andre Henry leaving the church?

·      How come at my favorite salad place every single person in line buying was white and all the people working in the buffet are Black?

·      How come the expensive gym I had a membership to had mostly white members, and yet almost every single one of the people working there from front desk to maintenance are Black?

·      This started making me very uncomfortable. I didn’t know what to do—so I’d talk with my friends about it…but really I didn’t do much about it. I deeply regret this.

#3: PRAY + REPENT:

·      When have you been complicit, silent, and chosen ignorance out of comfort and convenience? Write it down, say it out loud, pray, and repent.

·      Psalm 13 is great to walk through lament.

·      Psalm 51 is great to walk through repentance.

#4: ACTIVATE:

·      Sign petitions for racial justice. change.org is a great start for this!

·      Talk with friends and family.

·      When you see racism, call it out.

·      Post on your platforms.

·      Call your local representatives and demand justice.

·      Support Black-owned businesses.

·      Donate to Historically Black Colleges and Universities.

·      Go to https://www.grassrootslaw.org to find out how you can support policing and justice in America.

·      Read this: 75 Things White People Can Do for Racial Justice by Corinne Shutack 

 

#5: ORGANIZATIONS TO SUPPORT:

·      Equal Justice Initiative (Bryan Stevenson)

·      Be the Bridge (Latasha Morrison) and her wonderful resource page, “Where Do I Start?”

·      WhereChangeStarted.com has a great anti-racism starter kit

·      The Innocence Project

·      To help pay bail for protestors in NYC, money can be Venmo’ed to @bailoutnycmay. 

·      City-specific bailouts.

·      ACLU

·      NAACP

·      UNCF

 

#6: READ:

“Stop asking us to give you books. Stop asking us to do research. Listen y’all were able to do mathematic equations through some Black women and then your own stuff and to be able to go to the moon, and put a flag in it and dance around and do the west coast strut. How in the world can you go from the earth to the moon and you can’t do research on the racial history that we need to fight in this country. I don’t want to be traumatized by teaching you history. I want you to grow up in your spiritual maturity, and grow up in your faith, and go on the sanctifying journey of overriding the patriotic way that we’ve learned history in America.” - Pastor Eric Mason

 

1.     White Fragility by Robin DiAngelo

2.     So You Want to Take About Race by Ijeoma Oluo

3.     The Person You Mean to Be by Dolly Chugh

4.     We Were Eight Years in Power by Ta-Nehisi Coates

5.     How to Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi

6.     I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness by Austin Channing Brown

7.     Between the World and Me by Ta-Nehisi Coates

8.     Woke Church by Eric Mason

9.     The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness by Michelle Alexander

10.  Jesus and the Disinherited by Howard Thurman

11.  Great Speeches by Frederick Douglass

12.  Waking up White and Finding Myself in the Story of Race by Debby Irving

13.  Ghetto by Mitchell Duneier

14.  More than Just Race: Being Black and Poor in the Inner City by William Julius Wilson

15.  Stamped from the Beginning: The Definitive History of Racist Ideas in America by Ibram X. Kendi

16.  A Testament of Hope by Martin Luther King Jr.

17.  Prejudice and Racism by James M. Jones

18.  Blindspot: Hidden Biases of Good People by Mahzarin R. Banaji

19.  Tears We Cannot Stop: A Sermon to White America by Dr. Michael Eric Dyson

20.  I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou

21.  All About Love by Bell Hooks

22.  Well-Read Black Girl by Glory Edim

23.  Go Tell it on the Mountain by James Baldwin

24.  Heavy: An American Memoir by Kiese Laymon

25.  There Will Be No Miracles Here by Casey Gerald

26.  Paradise by Toni Morrison

27.  Healing Racial Trauma by Sheila Wise Rowe

28.  Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neale Hurston

29.  The Lies that Bind: Rethinking Identity by Kwame Anthony Appiah

30.  The Very Good Gospel by Lisa Sharon Harper

31.  The Prophetic Imagination by Walter Brueggemann

32.  Prophetic Lament: A Call for Justice in Troubled Times by Dr. Soong-Chan Rah

33.  Divided by Faith: Evangelical Religion and the Problem of Race in America by Michael O. Emerson and Christian Smith

34.  Just Mercy by Bryan Stevenson

35.  The Color of Law: A Forgotten History of How Our Government Segregated America by Richard Rothstein

36.  Human(Kind) by Ashlee Eiland

37.  A Day Late and a Dollar Short by Terry McMillan

38.  Kindred by Octavia E. Butler

39.  Beloved by Toni Morrison

40.  White Teeth by Zadie Smith

41.  Discerning the Voice of God by Priscilla Shirer

42.  Detours: The Unpredictable Path to Your Destiny by Tony Evans

43.  Unashamed by Lecrae

44.  Believe Bigger by Marshawn Evans Daniels

 

ARTICLE + WEBSITES

1.     Code Switch: Race in Your Face

2.     White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack by Peggy McIntosh

3.     NYTimes An Antiracist Reading List compiled by Ibram X. Kendi

4.     Goodgooodgood.co Anti-racism resources compiled by Sarah Sophie Flicker and Alyssa Klein

5.     Buzzfeed’s An Essential Reading Guide for Fighting Racism by Arianna Rebolini

6.     1619 Project (NY Times) – an article series on the history and legacy of slavery in America (also a podcast below). There is a book project in the works to expand on what they’ve started.

7.     The America We Need (NY Times) – a NYT Opinion series that touches on justice in the midst of the pandemic.

8.     “Walking While Black” by Garnette Cadogan

 

WATCH:

1.     Pastor Eric Mason: Don’t Lose Heart: Why It’s Worth It to Fight for Racial Harmony Even When We Don’t See Progress

2.     Pastor Carl Lentz: I said, “Black Lives Matter”

3.     Dr. Robin DiAngelo’s talk on White Fragility at the University of Washington

4.     How to Deconstruct Racism One Headline at a Time, TEDtalk, Baratunde Thurston 

5.     How Racism Makes Us Sick, TEDtalk, David R. Williams 

6.     Racial Reconciliation, Latasha Morrison’s sermon, National Community Church 

7.     The Privilege Walk  

8.     Jon Tyson and David Bailey, class, race, reconciliation, and the Kingdom of God  

9.     Becoming Brave: Reconciliation Rooted in Prayer – “why do we need the church?” by Rev. Dr. Brenda Salter McNeil

 

 

Movies to watch on Netflix:

1.     13th

2.     American Son

3.     Dear White People

4.     See You Yesterday

5.     When They See Us

 

Movies to watch on Hulu:

1.     If Beale Street Could Talk

2.     The Hate U Give

 

Movies to rent:

1.     Black Power Mixtape: 1967-1975

2.     Clemency

3.     Fruitvale Station

4.     I am Not Your Negro

5.     Just Mercy

6.     Selma

7.     The Black Panthers: Vanguard of the Revolution

8.     BlacKkKlansman

9.     Burden

10.  The Color of Fear

 

Listen to these podcasts:

1.     NPR’s Code Switch

2.     Season 2 of In the Dark

3.     Hope & Hard Pills with Andre Henry

4.     Her with Amena Brown

5.     Truth’s Table Podcast

6.     Fights and Feelings with Joseph Solomon

7.     Anti-Racism with Andre Henry on The Liturgists

8.     Pod Save the People

9.     1619 Project Podcast

10.  Scene on Radio’s “Seeing White”

11.  Why Tho

 

The Refined Collective episodes on race:

1.     Anxiety, Race, and Healing Community with Nikia Phoenix

2.     I’m Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness with Austin Channing Brown

3.     Why Being a ‘Good Person’ Prevents You From Being Better with Jeana Marinelli

 

People to follow:

1.     @austinchanning

2.     @theconsciouskid

3.     @blackcoffeewithwhitefriends

4.     @theandrehenry

5.     @colorofchange

6.     @rachel.cargle

7.     @ibramxk

8.     @mspackyetti

9.     @blklivesmatter

10.  @osopepatrisse

11.  @reformlajails

12.  @akilahh

13.  @showingupforracialjustice

14.  @tyalexander

15.  @tiffanybluhm

16.  @natashaannmiller

17.  @thefaithfeast

18.  @louisa.wells

19.  @abigaileernisse

20.  @jessicamalatyrivera

21.  @thegreatunlearn

22.  @laylafsaad

23.  @luvvie

24.  @pastorgabbycwilkes

25.  @elevateny

26.  @pastoremase

27.  @lecrae

28.  @whatisjoedoing

29.  @sarahjakesroberts

30.  @bishopjakes

31.  @devonfranklin

32.  @iammiketodd

33.  @amenabee

34.  @shaunking

 

You don’t have to read all 44 books in one day. You don’t have to start a non-profit. BUT YOU DO HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. I have not read every single one of these resources, but am making my way through them one by one. I am with you on the journey.

 

What are you committed to?

How are you going to ensure that you are no longer silent?

It’s time for white people to do something.

 

We are co-creators with God; it’s time to get to work.

Jun 04, 2020
Soulmates = Codependency (And Other Dating Myths Debunked)
58:52

I have the privilege of chatting with Debra Fileta of TrueLoveDates.com this week! She is a licensed professional counselor who specializes in dating, marriage, and relationship issues, as well as mental health disorders. She’s also the author of True Love DatesChoosing Marriage, and Love in Every Season! We chat about everything from the dating mistakes that are holding you back to why it’s okay for a woman to initiate a relationship.

 

“You’re not born knowing how to engage in healthy relationships; it’s something you have to work on and train and educate and grow.”

 

6 Reasons it’s Okay for a Woman to Initiate a Relationship

  1. Cultural Context.
  2. Mutually beneficial + reciprocal relationships are biblical.
  3. Healthy relationships are give and take.
  4. Pursuit is a human desire.
  5. Only responding to a person is not a two-way relationship.
  6. “Relationships are living, breathing things.”

 

“The problem is, when we go into relationships with that mentality that a woman shouldn’t initiate, you end up creating a culture of passive women.”

 

Soul Mates

  • Debra shares where the idea of soul mates really came from.
  • You are not half of a person until you meet someone.
  • Soul mates creates codependency.

 

“When we’re only responding, we’re not actually aware of what we want and need.”

 

Top 2 Dating Mistakes We’re All Making

  1. Not taking the risk to start a relationship. The #1 thing holding you back in singleness: FEAR
  • Fear of failure.
  • Fear of rejection.
  1. Desperate people make desperate decisions
  • When you feel desperate, don’t go on a dating spree. Look in.
  • Humans are magnetic.

 

2 Things Debra Would Tell Her Younger Self

  1. Work on your ish: Your past impacts your present if you don’t deal with it. Go to counseling. Do the work now— even if you’re single. Get whole.
  2. Save for a king-sized bed!!

 

Resources

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

May 27, 2020
8 Ways to Activate Genuine Self-Love (For Free)
01:03:45

Today on the podcast, I am chatting about wellness and self-love with Erin from Raw Beauty Talks. She shares what the heck self-love actually means, how to listen to your body, master your mindset, and understand what nourishes and energizes you. We also chat about body positivity, Beyoncé, and Erin’s own wellness journey and finding her voice in the body confidence conversation as a ‘skinny girl.’

 

What Does Self-Love Mean?

  • “Self-love isn’t a feeling, it’s a verb.”
  • We want self-love to be easy and comfortable, but it requires effort in order to grow.
  • “Can you give compassion for the woman you are and can you make choices to align with what that woman needs?”

 

8 Ways to Activate Genuine Self-Love

  • Get to know yourself— what make you thrive, what gets you excited?
  • Honoring the individual— can you give yourself compassion and make decisions that are in alignment with who you are and what you want?
  • Listen to your body— notice what helps you recharge.
  • Practice saying no— it will bring you freedom.
  • Routine— practicing self-love once won’t make an impact.
  • Implement— as you get to know yourself and how you’re wired.
  • Act like you love yourself NOW— the feeling will follow the action.
  • Give yourself grace— it’s a balance; the goal is not perfection.

 

3 Ways to Get on the Same Team as Your Body

  • Listen to your body— stop listening to these experts and tune in to your hunger and fullness signals, learn what type of movement your body is needing, maybe it’s a walk maybe it’s a workout.
  • Master your mindset— are the thoughts you’re having empowering you or holding you back? Find an empowering belief that feels possible.
  • Understand what nourishes and energizes you— make a list of things that make you feel high energy and another list of things that make you feel low energy.

 

Resources

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

May 20, 2020
Who Should I Date?
59:59

 

I am so thrilled to be talking with Phylicia Masonheimer this week! She is an author, speaker, and theologian who just released her book Stop Calling Me Beautiful. We talk about dating, if marrying a Christian really non-negotiable, what things we should be looking for in a partner, and a whole lot more.

 

The Way They Met

·      Phylicia shares how she didn’t see her husband as her type when she met him, but he loved her so well and he loved God.

·      She shares the moment she decided to give it a shot with Josh, who is now her husband.

 

Do I need to be led spiritually by someone else?

·      Do we need to be at the same place on our spiritual journey with the man we date and marry? 

·      The church taught us that we need to be led my men who act as our spiritual leaders, but ‘spiritual leader’ isn’t mentioned anywhere in the Bible.

·      Phylicia shares the difference between complementarian views and the egalitarian views within Christianity. 

·      “We’re after the leader heart… not just somebody who has collected a lot of Bible knowledge.”

 

Questions to Ask the Guy You’re Getting to Know

1.     Does he desire God? Does he desire to know God? Does he desire to go deeper?

2.     Is he dependent on his friends or parents to be spiritual?

3.     What are his sexual boundaries and standards?

 

3 Things to Look For in a Partner

4.     Loves God

5.     Works hard

6.     Is teachable

·      “If he has those three things, then he can grow, he can change, he can develop + adapt. But it’s really hard to be tied to an unbeliever, a lazy man, or a stubborn man.”

 

Why you should date someone that share your faith / worldview?

·      Phylicia recalls the time she was dating an unbeliever. She was unsure if she should move forward, so she asked God for a sign. She received three.

·      “You’ve known the truth all along.”

·     2 Corinthians 6:14 — “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.”…with fundamentally different worldviews you’re pulling in different directions—you want to be with someone who is moving forward with you.

 

Resources

·      You can buy her book, Stop Calling Me Beautifulhere.

·      Keep up with her at PhyliciaMasonheimer.com or on Instagram at @phyliciamasonheimer.

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

May 13, 2020
What is Sober Curious?
56:06

Jen Batchelor is the co-founder and CEO of Kin Euphorics, which she created as a response to shifts in her own lifestyle, as well as the lifestyle of her co-founder. Kin is an alternative beverage company that will change the way you approach social drinking. Jen helps unpack the social drinking movement, how adaptogens and nootropics can give your body what it really needs, and how you can approach sober living.

 

Why Do You Drink?

  • When people are asked about their own drinking behavior, they never have a solid answer. There remains a stigma around choosing to be sober.
  • Jen shares the moment when she realized that even though she was putting thought into everything she put into her body, her drinking would negate all of it.
  • “I don’t want to break even on wellness.”

 

The Basics

  • Euphorics represent a new category of pleasure priming drinks. “You can have your cake and drink it too.”
  • Adaptogens are roots and herbs that help you fight off those Sunday scaries.
  • Nootropics help balance the chemicals of the mind. It helps with synthesizing thought, processing memory, and enhancing focus.
  • Using all of this, Kin Euphorics helps restore balance in the body.

 

What Holds People Back from Sobriety

  • Fear of labels and stigmas.
  • Fear of leaning into discomfort.
  • Fear of what you’ll find out— but knowledge is power.
  • “We all, in all facets of our lives, should be actively testing our limits so we can understand and feel the resistance and grow from that.”
  • Being able to be vulnerable to human experiences and sharing it with others.

 

5 Practical Tips for the Sober Curious

  • “Is this robbing me or hindering me from an opportunity or the energy I need to pursue my dreams? Is this getting in my way?”
  1. Take stock of your social rituals.
  2. Assess who you have around you and don’t be afraid to make some cuts.
  3. Are your habits in alignment with and pushing you towards your dreams? If not, be willing to try an ‘elimination diet.’
  4. Get clear about your calling. What are your greatest dreams and how can you move towards that with clarity, integrity, and intention?
  5. Commit to your greatest potential and rise to that. Invite people into journey with you.

 

Resources

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

 

May 06, 2020
How to Invest Into Your Marriage (When You’re Single)
01:00:11

This week, I’m chatting with Jeremy and Adrienne Camp. Jeremy and Adrienne are singers and songwriters who met while on tour. Jeremy is GRAMMY-nominated and Adrienne was the lead singer of the Christian rock band the Benjamin Gate and later recorded two solo albums. The two have been married for 17 years have 2 daughters and a son. Their movie I Still Believe was released in March— it’s about Jeremy’s marriage with his first wife Melissa. Jeremy and Adrienne just released their book In Unison

I drilled them, y’all. We talked about their story, getting stuck in the friend zone, and if sexual attraction can grow between people who start out as friends. Plus, in 17 years of marriage—how do you fight well? And how can we set ourselves up for our future today

 

Marriage

  • They recall not seeing each other as their types when they first met.
  • We talk about whether sexual attraction can grow or if it has to be there from the start.
  • “There needs to be a relationship of depth and honor and respect there in order for me to love him with my body.”
  • Fighting well: she needs to figure it out right away and he needs time to step back and process. “We had to learn those places of grace for each other along the way.”

 

6 Ways to Sow Into Your Marriage

  1. Stay connected to Jesus.
  • “If things are dry in my relationship with the Lord, essentially they are dry everywhere else.”
  • Adrienne prays: “Jesus, be new to me!”
  1. Choose to have a soft heart towards each other. It’s a choice.
  2. Be intentional about dating.
  3. Find things you both love and do them together.
  4. Create space for heart connection.
  • Connect not just physically, but on a heart level.
  • How is your heart?
  • How are we doing?
  • Are there things I’ve done that have frustrated you?
  • What can we work on?
  1. Be willing to do the work!!!
  • “We look ahead and we want the harvest, but we’re not willing to do the hard work today.”

 

How to Invest Into Your Marriage (When You’re Single)

  • Learn to deal with conflict in your friendships.
  • Deal with your own issues. Be willing to do the work.
  • Seek God. “When we’re seeking Him to find a reward, we’re not going to find that. He’s already given us the greatest reward.”

 

Resources

  • Watch the movie I Still Believe here.
  • Listen to the movie’s soundtrack here.
  • You can buy Jeremy and Adrienne’s book, In Unisonhere.
  • You can buy Jeremy’s book, I Still Believehere.
  • You can buy Adrienne's book, Even Me, here.
  • Keep up with them at @adiecamp and @jeremycampofficial on Instagram.
  • Check out their work with Speaking Louder here.

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Apr 29, 2020
Why Being a 'Good Person' Prevents You From Being Better
01:01:52

 

“I am learning every day to allow the space between where I am and where I want to be to inspire me and not terrify me.” – Tracee Ellis Ross

 

Jeana Marinelli is my guest this week and we are talking about racism, bias, white privilege, how to develop a growth mindset, and identifying the myth of the ‘good person’ and how it is keeping us stuck. Jeana is a leadership development professional. Jeana is always asking the important questions of ‘why are things the way they are?’ and ‘how can we be better?’

 

The Myth of the ‘Good Person’

  • “It’s this binary notion that is seductive and it’s misleading. You’re either a good person or you’re not. We know that humans are more complex than that.”
  • We chat about how to confront racism within ourselves and understand our blind spots.
  • The growth mindset involves acknowledging that you aren’t a good person but that you are always in the process of bettering yourself.
  • “Women show stronger implicit gender bias against women than men do and it’s because of who gets to tell our stories.”

 

7 Ways to Foster a Growth Mindset

  1. Look at all the media you consume and look for ways to diversify, especially when it comes to race and gender.
  2. Take ownership to learn more about biases and topics that make you most uncomfortable.
  3. Notice your physical queues where your discomfort comes.
  4. Practice deep listening— listening to understand and not to respond.
  5. Thank anyone who points out inequities without seeking a cookie.
  6. Get better at noticing your own mistakes.
  7. Learning to pronounce someone’s name.

 

Books to Read

 

Resources

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

Apr 22, 2020
The Fertility Series: Egg Freezing 101
55:53

 

Welcome back to the fertility series! This time around, I’m chatting with fertility physician Dr. Natalie Crawford from Aspire Fertility all about egg freezing. She is also the host of As A Woman Podcast, which is all about fertility, female empowerment, and leadership. Personally, I have spoken on the podcast about feeling that biological clock ticking and have been thinking about egg freezing a lot so I was really grateful to Dr. Natalie for sharing her wisdom with us— let’s dive in.

 

We answer questions like:

  • When is a good time to freeze your eggs?
  • Is freezing your eggs really a ‘fire insurance’ plan?
  • Which is a more viable option:  IVF or Egg Freezing.
  • How long does freezing your eggs take + how to plan for it.
  • How much it costs (b/c umm…that’s a huge part of this process).
  • And lots more…

 

Learning Your Body

  • Dr. Natalie quickly realized how little women knew about their own bodies.
  • “Every woman would say, ‘I wish I had known this earlier.’”
  • Did you know 1 out of 8 women struggle with infertility— they just aren’t all sharing their stories.
  • Most women ignore their infertility problems for a while because they feel a sense of failure, fear, and denial.

 

Understanding the Process

  • As you age, your eggs decrease in both quality and quantity.
  • Dr. Natalie explains the value of AMH testing—a very affordable + often covered by insurance test that tells you how what your egg count + health is like.
  • There are diet + lifestyle changes you can make to keep your eggs as healthy as possible like decreasing red meat and processed food (more on that in the podcast).
  • “This whole process is stressful— we can’t make it stress-less. But how can you feel better about it? By feeling really well informed.”

 

Resources

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

Apr 15, 2020
Why Self-Care Is More Crucial Now Than Ever Before
48:11

 

This week I’m chatting with repeat guest Kate Eskuri from The Foundation Blog!! She was on the podcast last year talking about all things periods and it is our most downloaded episode EVER! (You can listen to it here.) Kate is a registered nurse and is currently getting her PhD. This time around, we’re talking about how to get grounded in the midst of overwhelm. Also, how do we even be healthy during this time? And practically speaking, are there certain things I should be doing or avoiding right now? Bottom line, though: there is no one right way to spend your time in quarantine.

 

5 Ways to Foster a Healthy Relationship with Food

“Your nutrition may not look how it ‘normally’ does… nothing looks ‘normal’ right now.”

  1. Shop with intention—buy things that last a long time and are versatile.
  2. Cook with thought— do you have food that will go bad by next week? Eat that first.
  3. Get resourceful—really take stock of all the food you already have. What if instead of going grocery shopping you got creative?
  4. Donate any extra food you may have— some people aren’t able to stock up.
  5. Use healing ingredients—turmeric, ginger, garlic, echinacea tea, elderberry tea.

 

Structure Creates Freedom: Rituals to Practice to Freedom

  • The self-care question you need to ask yourself during this season: “What do YOU need during this quarantine?”
  • Self-care is no longer an option— it’s a priority.
  • Want to activate self-care? Write down five things that bring you comfort and joy. A self-care list! 

 

Practical Grounding Rituals

  • What does it mean to be grounded: “It’s that inner sense of calm even though the outside world might feel a little scattered.”
  • Journal through these 5 questions to shift  from overwhelm to peace in less than 5 minutes:
  1. What are five things I can see? 
  2. What are four things I can feel? 
  3. What are three things I can hear? 
  4. What are two things I can smell right now? 
  5. What is one thing I can taste?

 

3 Ways to Practically Ground Yourself:

  • Journaling is something you can do for even just a few minutes to ground yourself.
  • Take a seat, close your eyes, physically place your hands on the crown of your head, and lightly press down. Take a few deep breaths and you will feel yourself settle.
  • Eat root vegetables. It may sound weird and woo-woo, but give it a try.

 

Resources

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Apr 08, 2020
Is Love Really Blind? Everything I Learned From Love Is Blind
36:56

 

If you aren’t using your quarantine time to watch Love is Blind, get on that right now! Basically, it is a Netflix reality TV show where all these men and women go on speed dates. At the end of 10 days there are proposals, and then another 30 days later are the weddings!! Ummm…crazy right? The plot twist: they do not see each other face to face until after they are engaged. There are major spoilers ahead, so catch up quick before listening if you don’t want things spoiled for you!

 

3 Things I love about Love is Blind

  1. Intentions are Out in the Open: Everyone showed up to the show knowing why they were there. Ya, some people were probably looking to become insta-famous. But in reality, if you agree to be on the show, you agree that marriage is the outcome you’re looking for. Knowing what you want in a dating relationship, and communicating that is so freeing.
  2. Heart before the Physical: Sexual attraction is such a beautiful part of a relationship, but it’s not the only thing. Getting to know someone’s heart before the physical helps you discern if they’re a good fit or not for you. 
  3. Clarity: Since the interactions are so focused and limited, people had to dive into some deep stuff early on. You have to know what you want. Knowing what you want gives you clarity to figure out quicker if the person you’re dating is a good fit for you or not.

 

Lessons Learned from Love is Blind:

  1. When you’re in, you’re in: Lauren and Cameron taught me that when you’re in… You. Are. In. 
  2. Men don’t want a mother, they want a partner.
  3. Don’t ignore the red flags.
  4. Give it a try, but if it’s not there, it’s not there.
  5. Work. On. Your. Ish.
  6. Be the person you want to attract.
  7. Go to therapy.
  8. Be willing to do the work.
  9. Be Clear + Surrender: Be clear about what you want and surrender to the process of getting to know someone. We put too much pressure on dating.

 

Questions to Ask Yourself in Dating?

  • Do you know what you’re looking for?
  • Are you the type of person you’re looking for?
  • What do you need to work on?

 

Finally, I answer on the episode whether or not I’d consider going on the show…you’ll have to tune into find out my thoughts! 

 

Resources

  • Remember the time I went on a blind date? And it was filmed? For YOUTUBE? Yep. That happened. Here’s the video if you missed it.
  • Head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram to share your thoughts on all things Love is Blind… we are dying to know!

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Apr 01, 2020
How to Work from Home (Without Going Crazy)
25:57

 

Man COVID-19?!?! Ughhh… Am I right!? I know working from home can be a major adjustment in any season, but since so many of us have transitioned home in this season I had to talk about it! I’ve been working from home for 10 years, and promise you it’s possible to work from home, be productive, AND not go crazy. It’s just going to take some time, intention, and lots of boundaries! Today’s episode is all about my best tips for working from home (without going crazy).

 

8 Ways to Create Structure

  1. Leave your bedroom— let it remain a sanctuary free from work.
  2. Get dressed— even if absolutely nobody is going to see you.
  3. Set up an office space— setting is everything.
  4. Block schedule— it’ll keep you focused. 
  5. Make a list each morning and prioritize a daily top 3.
  6. Schedule breaks and commit to that boundary.
  7. When you’re done, put it away. Structure creates freedom.
  8. Keep and protect normal business hours— I dare you to give yourself 12 hours away from email.

 

Set Up Connection Points Throughout Your Day

  • If you normally work in an office, do a virtual check in with your team in the morning to keep the natural rhythm.
  • If you’re an entrepreneur, reach out to fellow entrepreneurs for advice.

 

3 Free Resources to stay Connected to your Team: 

  1. Slack
  2. Google Hangouts
  3. Zoom

 

3 Productivity Boundaries

  • Phone hacks: put it on do not disturb, turn off iMessage, download the app Freedom for social media, or even delete the social media apps off your phone! 
  • Check your email four times a day and block it in your schedule.
  • I personally use the POMODORO Method. It involves working for 25 min, then taking a 5-min break. I do that four times and then take a 15-min break. Repeat.

 

Bottom line, though: have grace with yourself. You may not get as much done, and guess what? That’s okay. I hope this has helped you work from home whether you’re always working from home or if COVID-19 is forcing you to develop a new routine. 

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Mar 25, 2020
How to Own Your Voice: A Conversation on Consent
01:03:38

 

TRIGGER WARNING: We share some stories of trauma we have experienced in the past. This may not be a good episode to listen to with kiddos around. Know that if you have experiences trauma, you are not alone!

 

Tiffany Bluhm is the author of She Dreams and Never Alone; she also hosts the podcast “Why Tho” with Ashley Abercrombie (who was also on the podcast— check out her episode here.) Today, we are chatting about consent, whether it’s in the boardroom or the bedroom. We talk about the more nuanced topics like what messages clothing sends and are non-verbal cues enough?

 

Power Dynamics + Consent

  • What is consent? Vocalized agreement for something to happen between both parties, whether it is harmful or not. Consent involves concern and care also.
  • There has historically been an abuse of power when it comes to consent.

 

4 Questions to Ask Yourself in an Uncomfortable Situation

  • Is this okay?
  • How can I be an active participant in this situation?
  • What do I do to prevent this from happening?
  • What is my role as a bystander, as a friend, to anyone else it’s happening to?

 

6 Ways to Own Your Voice

  • Know your response to trauma: fight, flight, or freeze.
  • Find ways to create boundaries with the person creating discomfort/trauma.
  • Let go of the fear of seeming disagreeable.
  • Don’t let the little things slide— those inches quickly turn into miles.
  • Reporting behavior is hard and scary, but it is worth it and we owe it to ourselves.
  • Document the situation in any way you can— even by taking a picture.

 

Resources

  • If you have more questions on these topics, visit org.
  • The EEOC is a good place to report behavior if you are uncomfortable going to HR.
  • Keep up with Tiffany at com and @tiffanybluhm.

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

 

Mar 18, 2020
How Meditation Can Change Your Life
01:01:05

 

Do Christians meditate? What exactly is meditation and how do I practice it?  What is mindfulness? And what about breath work? Today, Jackie Viramontez is going to share her answers to all of the above! We’re talking about practices you can implement into your life to help you heal from anxiety, trauma, and fear. 

 

Starting Young

  • Jackie reflects on a major childhood trauma and loss that led her to develop anxiety as well as OCD.
  • From there, she began her journey with therapy, EMDR and meditation and healing.
  • “Our memories and thoughts are found all over our body.”

 

Meditation

  • Meditation is a way to interrupt the patterns in your life to center yourself.
  • Jackie shares when the best time to meditate is (you gotta listen to find out!).
  • “We are designed for our stories to change.”

 

Breath Work

  • Making your exhales just one second longer than your inhales will slow your heart rate and help so much. Bonus: rest your tongue on the floor of your mouth as you breathe.
  • Jackie talks about how pressure points can release tension as well.
  • “It’s very hard to be up in your head when you’re breathing like that.”

 

Resources

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Mar 11, 2020
The Fertility Series: 10 Years of Infertility Led to This Moment
56:38


We are starting a new series on the podcast all about fertility! We are going to cover everything from IVF, to egg freezing, to adoption, miscarriage, and everything in between. We are first going to chat about IVF. My dear friend Faith Ramos shares her journey through 10 years of infertility before IVF gave her two children.

 

The Love Story

  • Faith met her husband Angel at college when they were both 18 years old.
  • After a few years of ‘not—not trying to have kids’, once they hit 30, they started to wondering what was going on..
  • She opens up about what it’s like getting questions about why they didn’t have kids yet.

 

IVF + An Answered Prayer

  • IVF involves putting the egg + sperm together in a petri dish to create an embryo.
  • The price for this runs between $20k and $30k— so it is not really accessible to many.
  • Faith + Angel struggled to find funds as new business owners (plus her mother was sick).
  • In true God fashion—the money came in an unlikely and unexpected way.

 

Getting Pregnant

  • “Early on, Angel and I knew that this was God’s story.”
  • She remembers shifting her mindset from “why me?” to a heart of gratitude.
  • “God is faithful, however that looks.”
  • Listen to the episode to hear Faith describe the moment she first met her son.
  • Feeling discouraged? “The journey just might be different than what it seems. God is able to do anything, but his will is different for everyone.”

 

Resources

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

Mar 04, 2020
What Happens When Your Identity Is Stripped From You?
01:03:41

 

NLP practitioner and certified nutritional consultant and coach to Olympic athletes and A-list celebrities Adam Cobb is on the podcast today. We started recording right in the middle of a vulnerable ‘clearing the air' moment between us personally. It just felt important to share some good ol’ conflict resolution with you.  The crux of our chat was about ‘what happens when the thing we’re known for gets stripped from us.' Who do we become when our identity becomes rocked? Where do we turn to? How do we move through it?

 

Loss of Identity

  • Just a few hours before Adam was scheduled to give a talk on movement and mindset, he had a basketball accident and got an ACL tear and meniscus rupture.
  • As an adult having to live back home with his parents with little mobility was completely humbling.

 

Asking for Help

  • He opens up about his decision to go to therapy and why he resisted it in the past. Even then, it took him three sessions to surrender to the process and really show up.
  • He remembers a pivotal moment when he was standing with a bowl of chili in his hands because he couldn’t figure out how to bring it to the table while on crutches.

 

Healing Physically + Emotionally

  • “Real healing looks like asking for help.”
  • He shares how his lack of vulnerability created tension in his romantic relationships.
  • He was challenged by his peers to think “what does silence sound like right now?”
  • I was operating in my head then; I am operating in my heart now.”

 

Resources

 

Struggling with online dating? Kait Warman of The Heart of Dating and I are hosting a live online workshop just for you on February 25, 2020. Grab your ticket here!

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

Feb 26, 2020
The Sex Talk: When, How, + Why To Have It In Dating
46:44

 

Hi, friends! We’re having the sex talk on the podcast today!! Are you waiting for marriage to have sex? Not sure when to bring it up in dating? Or how? We’re going to chat about that today, because I watched The Bachelor on Monday and have quite a few thoughts on this! Peter is the Bachelor and it’s causing quite the commotion with Madison. We’re one week away from engagement and they still haven’t had ‘the talk.’

 

Why I was afraid to tell guys I wasn’t having sex until marriage:

  1. Fear of rejection
  2. I assumed if you were a Christian, you weren’t having sex—I also thought everyone wore purity rings too.
  3. I was shut down to my sexuality + desire—if I can’t accept my own sexuality, how can I accept another, and how can I enter into an adult consensual relationship if I’m unwilling to talk about this stuff?
  4. I didn’t know my why so I was afraid of bringing it up because I couldn’t really explain why except that’s what Christians do.

 

3 things to think before you have ‘the talk’

  1. Know your why
    1. The difference between: I’m not a smoker + I’m trying to quit.
    2. Your decision has to be internally motivated
      1. What does sex mean to me?
      2. What is god’s heart for intimacy + sex?
      3. What is my heart for intimacy + sex?
      4. Why or why not is this a value for me?
    3. QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF

 

  1. Assume nothing

Just because they share your faith does not mean you have the same physical boundaries.

No kissing until marriage to everything but penetration—including anal—to some people who love Jesus + choose to have pre-marital sex.

 

  1. Zero shame

Rejection is protection!!

It may make my dating pool smaller, but it makes it stronger.

 

WHEN: By date 3…although NYC dating culture moves quickly…so it’s not odd if I bring it up on the 1st date.

 

3 Reasons to Have the Sex Talk Early on

  1. Set yourself up for success

If you’re not having sex before marriage — this may help set-up physical boundaries in dating.

What didn’t work for me…getting naked on the first date.

 

  1. Be kind

If I’m getting what I want—but if he thinks this is leading elsewhere it’s in a sense being dishonest.

 

  1. Create a culture of honesty + communication

The only way a relationship can last + build trust is through communication.

As a couple you get to decide what boundaries will work for you—It’s an ongoing conversation.

A boundary might have worked in the past, but things may shift.

 

I HAVE AN EASY OUT: I talk about this stuff professionally.

However, the more I’ve shared, the easier it’s become. it’s a non-issue for me.

 

Here is what I say:

“Hey, I just want to be upfront. I don’t have sex until marriage + that’s not like a cute thing I say…I really mean it. So I just wanted to throw that out there + see where you’re at + what you think!”

 

 

RESOURCES FOR NAVIGATING YOUR WHY?

Dr. Celeste Holbrook

The Bible: Flee from Sexual Immorality

Kat’s ‘Why’

Kat’s conversation on God is Grey

 

Struggling with online dating? Kait Warman of The Heart of Dating and I are hosting a live online workshop just for you on February 25, 2020. Grab your ticket here!

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Feb 19, 2020
How a Podcast Saved a Marriage
01:04:23

 

This week, my real-life friends Jessie and Gerard Pepper are on the podcast! You may know them from their own podcast Marriage is Funny. They launched the podcast after they were having a serious discussion about divorce. (Spoiler alert: they are still married.) We chat about the vulnerability that brought them out of that dark time in marriage and they share some actionable steps to tend to the meaningful relationships in your life.

 

Talking It Out

  • Their podcast isn’t about marriage advice…it’s about creating a space to process through their own difficulties and problems.
  • “The points of tension can be what draws you back closer to each other and strengthens the bond between you.”

 

Growing in Understanding

  • We talk about why it’s so scary to tell someone what you really want.
  • Gerard opens up about his tendency to not share emotions. “It feels really dangerous.”
  • “Beauty comes from complexity.”

 

Setting an Example

  • They wish the married couples in their lives had been more honest about marriage. Amen to that, because marriage even to the best person is going to be HARD!
  • “Our marriage has turned into something that we are tending to and constantly learning about and constantly trying to enrich.”

 

Keep Up With The Peppers

  • Check out their website at com.
  • Follow them on Facebook and join their podcast’s private FB group.
  • Follow them on IG at @meetthepeppers and @styleandpepper.
  • Watch their video series about the three marriage myths that nearly ruined their relationship— they gave you special access here.

 

Struggling with online dating? Kait Warman of The Heart of Dating and I are hosting a live online workshop just for you on February 25, 2020. Grab your ticket here!

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Feb 12, 2020
Ever Feel Like a Fake? Tackling Imposter Syndrome 101
52:03

 

Do you remember how much you loved Dr. Therese Mascardo on episode 58 of the podcast “How to Marie Kondo Your Mental Health”? Because I do. And I loved having her on. So guess what? We got her back on the podcast for you! She is a psychologist and the founder of Exploring Therapy. This episode, we are chatting about imposter syndrome, because the imposter syndrome can be so real sometimes, you guys!

 

The 4 Elements of Imposter Syndrome

  1. Feelings of inadequacy; 
  2. Second guessing yourself; 
  3. Dismissing accomplishments and praise as luck, timing, or being deceptive; 
  4. The thoughts you have lead to fear, anxiety, and perfectionism.

 

What Causes Imposter Syndrome?

  • We all have insecurities, but our environment, culture, and upbringing can make those insecurities stronger in our minds.
  • We aren’t seeing other people’s insecurities, so we think we are wrong for having them.
  • “Imposter syndrome is created out of the things you tell yourself.”

 

#1 Thing To Do to Tackle Imposter Syndrome

  • Identify your self talk and figure out what narratives need correction. 
  • “It’s not about succeeding 100% of the time, it’s just that you deserve as much of a chance, even if you fail.”
  • “Those who are the first to do something often suffer from imposter syndrome the most.”

 

The Importance of Community

  • “If you can receive criticism, you need to be open to receiving praise.”

 

Resources

  • Listen to Lizzo— Dr. Therese’s orders!! It will seriously help you with self-talk.
  • Join the Roundtable waitlist here.
  • Check out Dr. Therese’s website and Instagram.

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

I want to say a very special THANK YOU to our new friends in our Patreon community: Meg Poore, Justice Barker, and Francesca Pittaluga! You are truly the reason we are able to invest so much of our time and resources into this podcast!

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

Feb 05, 2020
Confused by Enneagram? We're Breakin' It Down for You
01:09:08

 

Enneagram is having such a moment. Chances are you either think “that person is such a [insert number here]” any time you meet someone new ,or you think “what the heck is this enneagram I keep hearing about all the time?” Well, today we have an EXPERT on the podcast: Beth McCord, the founder of Your Enneagram Coach. She helps explain the different types and how you can learn to grow and understand both yourself and others through this tool.

 

What is the Enneagram?

  • The enneagram suggests that there are nine different personality types.
  • There are four core motivations for each type: fear, desire, weakness, and longing.
  • The key is to learn the ‘why’ behind all of your decisions and use it as a tool for growth.
  • “Real transformation means we have to take the time to look inward.”

 

The 9 Types

  • 1: Moral Perfectionist
  • 2: Supportive Advisor
  • 3: Achiever
  • 4: Romantic Individualist
  • 5: Investigative Thinker
  • 6: Loyal Guardians
  • 7: Entertaining Optimist
  • 8: Protective Challengers
  • 9: Peaceful Mediators

 

Enneagram + Dating

  • It doesn’t matter what number dates what number, the key to success is both being healthy in your own numbers.
  • The biggest piece of advice: Look for someone who is willing to grow.
  • “We don’t want to use the enneagram as a sword or a shield.”

 

Resources

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

Jan 29, 2020
Dating Tips, Deal Breakers and Myths
55:59

 

Sliding into DMs is my favorite. Basically Instagram stalk people and ask them to be on my podcast. But you know what? It works! And now I have loads of virtual friends. Bam. Today, I’m am chatting with Stephanie May Wilson. She has such a heart for single women, so I am so excited for us to walk through some of the top questions that women send us every day.

 

DATING 101: Types + Deal Breakers

  • We chat about how guys are often more attractive in real life than in their online photos BUT if they say they are 6 feet tall, they are almost certainly a full two inches shorter.
  • We may have a type, but we have to stop making our searches so narrow—the perfect man may not be who you pictured him to be.

 

DATING 101: It’s A Curb, Not A Cliff

  • Real talk: we need to be as intentional about dating as we are with our career or fitness.
  • We chat about the pressure to have meet cutes and the number one frustration women come to her looking for answers to.
  • “You deserve someone who wants to be with you.”
  • What do you do with all this hope and confusion? Live this season of your life to the fullest. Show up!

 

DATING MYTH: There Are No Good Guys?

  • “There are better things we can do with that focus that actually get us to where we want to be.”
  • Find ways to put yourself out there more. Just get involved in your community.
  • Disappointment is part of the dating process. It’s getting you ready for marriage, which is signing up to be disappointed by the same person for your whole life.

 

Feeling discouraged? God hasn’t forgotten you. It isn’t too late. You are not less than others because you are single. You are not unlovable. You don’t have to figure this out alone. Keep up with Stephanie at StephanieMayWilson.com, where you can find her podcast (Girls Night) and her Instagram (@smaywilson). She has a prayer journal called Every Single Moment—you can find it here!

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

 

Jan 22, 2020
Comparison Sucks + Other Thoughts About 2019
44:39

 

Welcome back to The Refined Collective podcast! Did you notice our new intro music? We’re so excited about it. On this first solo show of the new year, I’m chatting about all of the lessons I learned in 2019 (because it taught me some big lessons), my vision for 2020, and of course before I do all of that I share all of my favorite pop culture tidbits with you!

 

Lessons Learned

  • Comparison sucks.
    • My Challenge to You: What if you used someone else’s breakthrough as evidence of what’s possible as opposed to getting stuck in comparison, jealousy, and a victim mentality? How would doing that impact your life?
  • Celebrate your wins.
    • Life is busy. Often before we finish the one thing, we’re already chasing the next. I don’t know about you, but this feels exhausting. What if before rushing off to the next goal, we allowed ourselves to pause, acknowledge, and celebrate the wins—no matter how big or small.
  • I can only change me.
    • Much to my dismay as much as I try to change others, the only person I can truly change and take responsibility for is myself. Instead of spending so much time focusing on other people’s drama, what if you used that time to look inward, and noticed areas in your own life that needed some extra love?
  • God lives in the space between.
    • Life is a “both and,” not an “either or.”

 

2020 Vision

  • (Get it? 2020 vision? 20/20 vision?)
  • What if you had the courage to receive and believe that you deserved to be here?
  • What if you were the girl for the job?
  • What if you no longer let insecurity dictate your reality? 
  • I spent too long believing I didn’t belong on the tennis court or I didn’t belong as a writer. But guess what? I’m writing a freaking book. And then I’m going to write ANOTHER one.
  • My new mantra: “Why not me?” Thank you Mindy Kaling for that.
  • What if you spent more time thinking about how things could go well for you instead of always planning for and expecting the worst case scenario to unfold? How would your day-to-day life change?

 

Did you know we have a Patreon page? Patreon is a platform that lets listeners financially support their favorite podcasts for as little as $5/mo. (That’s cheaper than a cup of NYC coffee y’all!) Head over to Patreon.com/therefinedcollective to see how you can support the podcast (and get some pretty awesome goodies as a thank you)! Another way you can support the podcast is by sharing with friends! Just copy this link and then paste into the group chat with your besties: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/the-refined-collective-podcast/id1348034641#episodeGuid=30c48f6a66bb4bfca88b0f6522037407

 

Single ladies— do you feel stuck, lonely, discouraged or frustrated by your dating life, or lack thereof? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out!

Jan 15, 2020
Don't Take it Personal: Kat's End of Year Tell-All
56:25

 

Hi, friends! Welcome back to The Refined Collective podcast—it is our final episode of the year! It’s a solo show so you bet there will be random singing and Beyoncé references! This week, I’m not asking the questions… YOU are. You guys sent in your questions over on Instagram and in this episode, I’m answering as many as I could fit into a single episode. You guys know how weird I feel about recording solo shows so please let me know your feedback and if you’d want to hear more of these types of episodes.

 

  1. How do you deal with unhealthy overthinking and constantly taking things personally?
  • It’s important to let your community into your overthinking.
  • When you find yourself taking something personally, think: “They have something coming up for them that has nothing to do with me.”

 

  1. How do I give space and patience towards my boyfriend who is struggling letting go completely from his past relationship?
  • There’s an important conversation to be had here about recognizing emotional availability and standing in your worth.

 

  1. I’d love practical language on entering a conversation with a friend of mine who is a Christian and is dating a someone who is not.
  • It’s important to check in with your own heart on what you afraid of happening in this situation.

 

  1. How long have you been a Christian?
  • I went to a summer camp at 16 because all of the popular kids were going— but even from the very first night, this inexplicable thing ignited in my heart.
  • This is not to say that there haven’t been hard moments—because there have.

 

  1. Highs and lows for 2019/What is your vision for 2020 and TRW?!
  • My year started really painfully, but it gave me perspective to focus on spending the rest of the year enjoying time with the people I love.
  • Biggest high of the year is very exciting: I signed with a publisher for my book!

 

  1. Best and worst date of 2019?
  • Best: We went to a café, went hiking, and had a picnic. He kept surprising me!
  • Worst: I liked a guy + thought we were on the same page until he went MIA.

 

If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

Dec 11, 2019
From Wall Street to Career Coach: Shifting Roles and Shifting Mindsets
58:11

 

Jena Viviano is an ex-Wall Streeter turned career coach and entrepreneur who helps go-getter professionals articulate their personal branded career story to land their dream jobs. Stay tuned to hear us chat about Wall Street, faith journeys, shifting mindsets, eating disorders, and hear me drop Beyoncé’s name because of course! (Bonus: we have a quick chat about dating because Jena has an incredible boyfriend!)

 

Wall Street

·      We chat about what happens when we achieve the thing we think is going to fulfill us… and turns out it doesn’t fulfill us at all.

·      “God, I don’t know if you are real, but if you are: get me out of here.”

·      During her time on Wall Street, she developed an eating disorder.

·      “Instead of trying to fix the things that are “wrong with me,” why don’t I just lean into the things that I’m really good at.”

·      Jena shares how she was able to make a career pivot.

 

Integrating Faith at Work

·      “For a long time, I thought about my job being my provider, but really the reality is God is my provider. That mindset shift helped me take bigger risks from taking that side hustle to full hustle.”

1.     Stay silent vs. Bible beating—it doesn’t have to be one or the other. Hear how Jena balances sharing her faith at work.

2.     Are we using our gifts? Are we encouraging others to do the same?

3.     Pray and put action behind it. 

4.     Take a redemptive lens to work.

5.     How does generosity play into your work?

6.     Instead of compartmentalizing, show up as a whole person.

 

Battling an Eating Disorder

·      Jena sought counseling, health coaching, and rewired her thoughts.

·      The first step to healing was changing the environment she was in.

·      Bottom line: there is hope!

 

Keep up with Jena at her websitepodcastInstagram, and LinkedIn. You can get her free devotional at www.jenaviviano.com/wordatwork.

 

Single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

 
XO,
Kat
Dec 05, 2019
Creating Space for Grief
50:55

Today we are recording in Rockefeller Center a long way from my Brooklyn closet. I have my dear friend Carrie Gracey Lloyd on the podcast today! She has a podcast called “The Carrie On…” that you can check it out here. In this episode, we chat about grief, how to walk through it, how it can challenge your faith, and the importance of creating space for your grief. 

 

On Grief

“I love redemption stories, but if we don’t look at the grief, we don’t know where the lord is going to show up.” 

·      I have been walking through a lot of grief this year and Carrie’s podcast episodes on grief have helped me feel so seen and understood.

·      Carrie shares her experience with grief from losing family and friends from a young age.

·      We chat about the unhealthy ways we often cope with grief because it often feels our culture doesn’t allow us to grieve.

 

Creating Space for Grief

·      She outlines her process of following a “grieving plan,” where she actually takes time out of her day to process, reflect, and work through her pain and grief.

·      “I’ve sometimes felt God weep with me.”

·      Just as children allow themselves to cry and feel, we need to allow ourselves to grieve.

·      Carrie describes the relief and release she felt after grieving. 

 

Grief and Faith

·      People tend to question their faith when they are grieving.

·      “I think it’s alright to ask those questions as long as we don’t stay there for too long because that therefore meant that our belief in God was based on circumstances.”

 

The Other Side of Grief

·      We have to give ourselves permission to move forward.

·      “The heart holds onto grief until you actually process it.”

·      The process of healthy grieving will become quicker the more you go through it.

 

Keep up with Carrie: at her website, her podcast, her book, her other book, and on Instagram.

 

Single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources propelled me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! 

 
XO,
Kat
Nov 20, 2019
The Difference Between Diet Food and Real Food (And Why You Should Care)
01:04:13

Today, I have my sweet friend Sarah Adler on the podcast. She is a nutrition coach, healthy lifestyle expert, food blogger, and owner of Simply Real Health. I’ve been getting so many questions on Instagram about meal prep, cooking for one, and best things to have in your pantry. I know everyone is always stressing about how little time you have to cook or how expensive it is to prepare meals. I am totally not an expert on that stuff, so Sarah is here to share her knowledge! I learned so much from her and I can’t wait for you guys to hear her wisdom.

 

Life Lessons Meet Food

·       “If you are intentional about it, it doesn’t have to be something that is stressful. Sometimes you just need a system. A little bit of structure can go a long way.”

·      What is Real food? Real food is food from the earth that has existed since the beginning of time. (Not Cheetos.)

·      You want to target the simplest version of food. Food with one ingredient or ingredients that a five-year-old can recognize.

·      “If you’re feeding and nourishing yourself well, that sets the foundation for being able to have a very productive and intentional life.”

 

Personal Food Journey

·      Sarah always remembered loving going to the grocery store and being healthy.

·      “It became this thing I was so obsessed with. I would read fitness magazines for fun.”

·      Looking back, she recognizes that her obsession was what is now called “Orthorexia.”

·      She almost backed out of a trip to Italy because of fear of not having food options. She did go, and she remembers having an epiphany when she saw two women eating out.

·      “The food was just the thing that brought them together. They were so much more about connecting and being together.”

·      “Maybe there’s another way that’s not as obsessive. There’s another way to live that has more joy and celebration to it.”

·      From there, she learned to isolate the difference between diet food (marketed for fad diets and losing weight) and real food (natural and actually healthful).

 

Assessing Your Food

·      The number one question to ask in regard to food: Is it real or not real?

·      “If it’s real, your body can digest it.” Our bodies are not meant to digest food you can’t pronounce or recognize.

·      “Are you being kind to your body?”

·      The next important thing is your mindset: Focus on serving your body, not punishing it.

·      There is a direct connection between what you eat and how you feel.

 

Evaluating the “Sexy” Diet Trends 

·      Keto, paleo, anything that cuts out an entire category of food is a red flag.

·      However, some people need more meat, some people can’t do dairy, etc.

·      “Everybody does better with real food, but everybody has different intricacies within that.”

·      Start with real food, then upgrade it to simplify and honor your body and what it needs. Find what works for you!

·      Pay attention to your body—quick fixes do not work.

·      Find what food you thrive with. It’s not one size fits all—that’s the problem with diets.

·      Trendy diets bring about mental and emotional confusion.

 

On Gluten, Organic Food, and Seasonal Produce

·      It’s not that gluten is bad, it’s that it is overproduced and overconsumed. It comes down to quality and sourcing. The same goes for dairy.

·      Tune into your body—how do I feel after eating something?

·      If your body is okay with gluten, make sure you are getting the best quality of it.

·      Organic is expensive—but always invest in organic products that come from animals. 

·      “If you’re ingesting antibiotics, even secondhand, that affects our own hormones too.”

·      Focus on seasonal produce—it’s usually the cheapest stuff on sale. Here are some graphics that will help you learn what is seasonal on Pinterest.

·      Learn basic techniques, like making a soup, and then everything else is interchangeable.

 

Cooking for One 

1. Get a functional set of pantry staples (quinoa, cans of tomatoes, beans, bag of frozen veggies, grass-fed butter, organic chicken sausage, brown rice pasta)

2. Buy versatile ingredients that can be used at least five different ways (kale, bell peppers, potatoes, sweet potatoes) and pair them with a pantry staple. They keep a long time and can be put in smoothies, soups, salads, etc.

3. Make recipes that can be built upon when you have it for leftovers the next day.

4. “You can do a lot with not very much hassle, stress, chopping, or ingredients.”

5. For busy people (who like one pot meals): insta-pots are a game changer! It does require planning ahead, though.

 

Head over to Simplyrealhealth.com to see her resources and courses! Sarah has a new book coming out on November 19th called Simply Real Eating. It’s her second cookbook (the first was Simply Real Health). 

 

“Your body deserves a little bit of love and attention.”

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

 
Nov 13, 2019
Discernment: What it is and Practical Tools to Use it
01:06:10

 

Mike Maeshiro calls himself a “Serial entrepreneur.” He runs several businesses. He travels and speaks on the gift of discernment and spiritual intelligence. He believes discernment is something people don’t talk about enough, so we chat about it in this episode. We also talk about entrepreneurship, and discerning when is the right time to make your side hustle your main hustle.


What is Discernment?

  • He grew up in the church, was a “nice, agreeable Christian boy.” However, he was lying all the time—pretending he wasn’t aware of these spiritual atmospheres around him.
  • “I started opposing the disfunction in my relationships.”

The Purpose of Discernment

  • Discernment exposes darkness in someone’s individual life or corporately.
  • It also provides accountability and sets a standard in community.
  • Discernment shows us the heart behind actions are more important than the actions themselves.
  • “My response is not going to be based on the action, it’s going to be based on where it is coming from in the spirit.” 

How to Step Into Discernment


Entrepreneurship

  • He has always been a great employee and student but he feels unrest in those situations. He needs to be innovating.
  • When you say yes to wealth, you start having the eyes to see it.
  • He recalls the moment he realized his side hustles brought in enough money for him to quit his full time job.

Side Hustle to Main Hustle

  • Financial intelligence is important in this sort of risk-taking.
  • “You are the most powerful asset you will ever have access to.”
  • “You will be in every season of your life. Invest in who you are.”
  • The number one thing to ask yourself to discern if you’re ready to go full-time into your side hustle: Can I bet on me?

How Can We Make This Not Woo-Woo?

  • We constantly need to reimagine what success means to us.
  • Poverty was a high value in the early church. “God is not broke.”
  • “What you say yes to in your life is what you’re going to produce. It’s a byproduct of an ecosystem you have said yes to in your own being.”
  • We have to get rid of these false beliefs about God and us when it comes to lack and poverty and control.
  • “There’s more than enough! That’s the nature of the kingdom we are of.”

Further Reading for Entrepreneurs


Head over to MikeMaeshiro.com to see his resources, coaching services, and all the things. He is also on Instagram at @mikemaeshiro and YouTube at Mike Maeshiro. He also has a podcast called Confessions of a Reformer about all the things.


XO,
Kat
 
Nov 06, 2019
Side Hustles, Career Pivots, And Learning to Listen To Your Audience
42:33

 

Do you ever think ‘When do I make the transition from my full-time job to my side hustle?’ ‘How do I choose a side hustle?’ or ‘How do I spend my time and money in a new business?’ and ‘How do I even make money in a new business?’ You are not alone. This week Stacy Tuschl, an expert in growing small businesses, is here to answer your questions! Y’all, she started her own company in her parents’ backyard when she was 18 and now it is a multi-million-dollar business. I always look to her for business advice and I can’t wait for you to hear her wisdom. 

 

How She Got Her Start: SUCCESS IS NEVER OVERNIGHT.

·      Stacy grew up in an entrepreneurial family. 

·      “I feel like everybody else could probably see it, but I didn’t.”

·      She went to school fully planning on working for someone else after college, but she wound up teaching dancing and it grew from 17 students to 100 in a year. 

·      Now she has two performing arts academies that gross over $1 million.

·      “It’s been 17 years of building that business, so please know that I did not start there.”

·      It took Stacy 5 years to bring in a single paycheck. There is NO such thing as overnight success.

 

Making Money With Your Side Hustle

·      If you love what you’re doing in your business, the business will last.

·      “What would I do even if I never got paid for it?”

·      You can either spend time or spend money to make your business grow. Ex: spending time: doing the work yourself vs. spending money: outsourcing the work.

 

When to Take The Leap

·      Get Practical: It’s just like quitting any job—are you ready for it financially?

·      Take some time to ask yourself: how much time you have to give, how much money you have to invest, who do you have depending on you? 

·      Stacy’s advice is to just take action, because then you can start getting feedback which will help you mold the perfect business.

 

Listening To Your Audience

·      You need to constantly be getting feedback from your audience because people are constantly changing and that means their needs are changing too.

·      At the end of every lesson, Stacy has a google form asking questions like ‘What did you get out of this?’ ‘Where did you struggle?’ and ‘What do you wish I would have taught?’

·      Don’t just ask the questions, LEARN from them! Give your clients what they are asking for.

 

 Career Pivots

·      You have to be your own individual in your business. Be who others aren’t so you can serve who others aren’t.

·      We all have blind spots in our businesses, and it takes courage to stop and reflect.

·       “Just because you don’t know what your next thing is doesn’t mean you’re not meant for it.”

·      Give yourself space to think and have an open mind for whatever is coming next for you.

 

Keep up with Stacy on Instagram at @stacytuscl or visit her website at StacyTuschl.com. She now has a podcast called Foot Traffic Podcast and a signature program called Foot Traffic Formula, which you can access through her website.

 

If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

 


XO,
Kat
Oct 23, 2019
You Were Born To Shine With Ashley LeMieux
47:29

 

I am so grateful to have Ashley LeMieux on the podcast this week. She is the founder and CEO of The Shine Project and she is currently launching her first book called “Born To Shine.” This week we are chatting about walking through grief, finding healing, holding onto hope, and how to shine in your darkest moments.

 

Her Why

  • When Ashley was little, she was very shy so she would write out all of her feelings.
  • “If you asked me while I was young, I would always tell you that I wanted to be a writer who helped people heal their hearts.”
  • She let doubts and concerns of others let her stray from this path of writing while she was in college, but she decided to start a blog called The Shine Project.
  • That same blog has now grown into a product line and online community for women.
  • She acknowledges that fear can prevent us from pursuing our dreams and even just finding out what our dreams are in the first place.
  • “In our heart of hearts, if we just sit still enough, I think we all kind of already know what that thing is… we just bury it with layers to distract us so we don’t have to do it.”
  • We too often let our minds jump to all the things that can go wrong.

 

Holding Onto Hope

  • One day, she and her husband were called and asked to parent a four and six-year old.
  • “At that moment, it felt like everything in our lives had led us to that point and to be able to say yes.”
  • Several years into their being a family of four, they were still finalizing the adoption process and there was an unexpected contested adoption.
  • While she was away, they found out that their children would be taken from them the next morning. She wasn’t able to see them and so she wrote letters from her hotel.
  • “Every day felt like I was carrying the weight of the world.”
  • In those moments, she saw that this painful experience was a trial of their faith. She knew that they would come out the other side.
  • “I didn’t know the depths of that pain existed.”

 

Finding Healing

  • “My healing process will be for the rest of my life.”
  • She spent time with various therapists to help with the healing process and she felt the fog of grief begin to lift the tiniest bit after one year.
  • Her big turning moment was a moment in which she looked in the mirror for the first time in a while and she was lifeless. “It was like everything had been vacuumed out of me.”
  • In that moment, she realized she didn’t want to feel the same way looking in the mirror when she gets to be 80 years old.
  • “How can I live a fulfilled happy joyful life while still feeling pain? Because they have to co-exist. They have to.”
  • From there, she discovered the difference between suffering and pain. She could drop her suffering and hold on to joy.

 

How To Shine In Your Darkest Moments

  • We don’t have to be afraid of the dark. “The light within us is brighter than any of the darkness that surround us.”
  • How can what’s burying me start serving me? When she was buried in pain, loss, and heartbreak, she decided to rise above it.
  • Give yourself permission. To dream, to find joy, to be excellent, to shine! “We don’t give ourselves permission to shine and we dim our own light. There’s already so much out there that’s trying to work against us and the last thing we need is to work against ourselves.”
  • Show up to the biggest fights of your life with love. It’s easy to get in fight mode or be in the “me against the world” mentality. Anger depletes us, but love can’t be taken away. “Once we start giving it, there’s just so much more to receive of it.”
  • Ignite the light in others. Focusing outside of yourself and serving others brings purpose to our pain. Our pain allows us to understand people differently.

 

If You Are Walking Through Grief Right Now

  • “Your story is not yet over. No matter how dark it gets around you. No matter how dim and bleak and painful everything feels, you were born to shine.”
  • “Sometimes, the best view we have of the stars is when we’re knocked flat out on our backs in the darkest night.”

 

You can find Ashley at @ashleyklemieux and go to theshineproject.com/tour to order her book! There, you can also see her book tour and see what city she’ll be in near you.

 

If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

 

Fab Fit Fun is a seasonal subscription box that has FULL-SIZED beauty, fitness, fashion, and lifestyle products and I am so obsessed, y’all. The contents always have a worth of about $200 the boxes only cost $49.99! A few of my favorites from this box: a travel yoga mat, Vitamin C serum, and a gold eye mask. Even better? You get to customize what goes into your box! If you’ve ever thought about trying it—now is the time! If you go to www.fabfitfun.com and use code TRW, you’ll get $10 off your first box!

 

Oct 16, 2019
Purity Culture, Painful Sex + Debunking Shame Narrative with Dr. Celeste Holbrook
59:07

 

Are you a single woman of faith trying to figure out how to navigate dating in today’s hookup culture and online dating? I get it… it can be confusing and frustrating. This week I brought a Christian sexologist on the podcast to help navigate these murky waters. Dr. Celeste Holbrook’s goal in life is to create safe spaces for women to talk about sex. My hope is that this will encourage you to get curious about your own sexuality.

 

Growing Up In Purity Culture

  • Celeste grew up going to purity conferences and wearing a purity ring. 
  • Her home was not shame-filled, but everyone around her was very conservative when it came to conversations about sex.

 

The Moment They Were Waiting For

  • When they first had sex, it was extremely painful and not enjoyable for her. 
  • “I thought I was going to be rewarded with great sex.”
  • This disconnect between Celeste and her husband began to erode their relationship.
  • “I felt a lot of shame for not living up to what I thought I should be sexually.”
  • She realized she never had good sex education. She decided to embark on a journey to unlearn shame, and to learn her body in a fresh way.

 

Deconstructing Sex And Shame

  • “I went through that process so that I could enter into a sexual space and feel worthy of pleasure and sex that felt good.”
  • After experiencing breakthrough and pain-free sex, she made it her mission to help others in similar circumstances and pivoted from studying behavior to sexual behavior.
  • “Although it’s a natural biological thing, it doesn’t come naturally. You have to learn how to do it just like riding a bike.”
  • Madonna Whore Complex: “You’re shamed if you have too much sex and you’re shamed if you have no sex. There’s this pendulum that we can’t seem to step out of.”

 

What Is Sexuality?

  • Sexuality is way more than just sex, desire, or physical intimacy. “Sexuality is far more than that bottom layer of what it looks like biologically.”

 

What Is Sex?

  • A lot of single Christian women are wondering about physical boundaries in sex.
  • 75% of women don’t climax from vaginal sex—they climax from clitoral stimulation.
  • Freud told women that to have an orgasm through clitoral stimulation is to be infantile. 
  • In 1998, neurologist Helen Connoll put the clitoris into the journal of sexual medicine. 
  • “Limiting the term ‘sex’ to ‘penis’ and ‘vagina’ is marginalizing and produces shame.”
  • Pleasure gets confused with hedonism, but pleasure is acknowledged in Matthew 6:26.
  • “We can’t have the conversation about pleasure and spirituality without having a conversation about sensuality.”

 

What is Sensuality?

  • “When we think about us as sensual beings, we are literally experiencing the creation and the creator through all five of our senses.”
  • Sensuality can be as simple as being in the moment. We can’t experience our senses in the past or future… only the present.
  • What does celibacy mean to you when sensuality and sexuality are closely related? You can embrace sensuality in these smaller ways before we have sex.

 

Books To Read:

 

If any parts of this conversation have felt triggering for you, just know that whatever you’re feeling is valid. There is no judgement. Validate your feelings and then question why those feelings are coming up for you. “Our God is one that encourages curious questions and sincere questioning.” Celeste has so many resources for you, including 20 sex-enhancing questions for freeon her website. She also offers free30-minute discovery calls. If you have questions about anything we talked about today, go to her website and click on “30 Minute Discovery Call.” She also has coursesfor one on one consulting if that feels right for you.

 

 If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

 

XO,

Kat

 

Oct 09, 2019
How To Live Authentically Without Prematurely Sharing Your Story
50:09

 

Hello, friends! Thanks so much for being here! Today, I’m talking to my dear friend Ashley Abercrombie who is a literal superwoman. She is a mother, wife, writer, speaker, and author of Rise of the Truth Teller. Ashley is so full of grace and our friendship has challenged me so much. In this episode, we chat about how you can live authentically without prematurely sharing your story, finding healing, and how you can handle confrontation and conflict.

 

Ashley’s Story

  • Growing up, people always came to her for advice, but she never felt comfortable taking off that mask to say that she needed help and advice too.
  • When she got to college, she began abusing drugs and alcohol, and later struggled with bulimia and was also sexually assaulted, which resulted in pregnancy and abortion.
  • “I’ll stick this somewhere where nobody will ever find it. I’ll put this somewhere where I’ll never have to deal with it and I’ll just keep it moving.”
  • She remembers crying out for God when she felt most out of control and shares what it felt like when she felt His presence and love.
  • “We’re created for wholeness; we’re not created for perfection. We can find wholeness in the midst of our brokenness.”

 

Sharing Your Story Publicly

  • It’s important to share your story, but it’s also important to protect your own healing first and foremost.
  • “In the context of safe and healthy relationships is where we need to be processing things.”
  • When we don’t have safe relationships to process with, we should be turning to therapists. Instead, the trend is to either keep it all in or share with the whole world.
  • “Sharing your story can be a way of masking.”
  • It’s vulnerable, but we need to learn to ask advice from our close community.

 

Questions To Ask Yourself Weekly

  • Do you like the person you are becoming?
  • Is your heart for God shrinking or growing?
  • Have you compromised on your financial integrity?
  • Have you compromised on your sexual integrity?
  • Are you giving your family your emotional scraps?

 

Accepting The Love You Think You Deserve

  • Ashley remembers a pastor saying, “Everyone does love their neighbor as they love themselves and that’s the problem.”
  • She shares that we need to set our sights on God because then it becomes easier for us to see ourselves and others in the light of who He is.
  • We can manage our expectations and still hold on to hope.
  • “There is no way for hope to survive when we’re lonely and isolated.” We need people to carry us through.

 

Speaking Your Truth and Fighting Well

  • Ashley shares how we can have these truthful conversations as well as navigate conflict.
  • She first asks for grace and frames her concern as a question to the other person.
  • We’ve been trained to think that conflict shouldn’t happen or that there’s a way to resolve it without actually dealing with the issue.
  • “We have this mental struggle to understand that conflict is very normal. It should be a daily part of our life.”
  • Most importantly: you can resolve it. Healthy relationships can be maintained even when those involved are in a conflict that takes longer to resolve.
  • A good way to approach these conversations is to start with “I” because it helps prevent us from coming from a place of blame.

 

Healing Your Past

  • “I had to recognize that this was going to be a process.”
  • She remembers sharing her story with a friend and feeling how just her presence there was helpful. She never tried to give her quick fixes—she was simply a presence.
  • “What does it look like for me to be honest in this space?”
  • She found places to serve, mentor, and journey with people.
  • She has found the courage to be honest on her journey. “When I’m tempted, I say so.”

 

Isn’t Ashley amazing? You can buy her book anywhere books are sold! Follow her on Instagram at @ashabercrombie and visit her website ashabercrombie.org.

 

If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

 

XO,

Kat

Oct 02, 2019
How to Plan for Marriage Not Just a Wedding
52:45

 

This week on the podcast, I’m chatting with Natasha Miller. She is a daughter of God, wife to Jamal Miller, and mother of Harvest Ann and Melodie Grace. She is also the co-founder of Miller Media Group, a company dedicated to raising up brands and publications that reflect God’s voice. She also founded Fearless Women Mentorship, where she helps women to recognize their inner beauty and warrior. This episode, we’re chatting about singleness, relationships, unexpected challenges of marriage, and how to plan for marriage and not the wedding day. You’ve heard her husband, Jamal, describe the way they met and fell in love on his episode of The Dudes Series, but now you get to hear her side of the same story!

 

How They Met

  • They met on Facebook y’all!
  • After a few YEARS, Jamal got bold and told her that he was interested in her.
  • “He wasn’t a man who was living on an island by himself. He was a man who was committed and a man who was open to hearing other voices in his life. It brought me a lot of comfort knowing that I wasn’t a secret.”
  • Natasha was in SoCal and Jamal was in Chicago, so they started by having phone dates.
  • “From the moment I heard his voice, I knew he was a man who knew what he wanted.”
  • They spoke every day and met for the first time in Chicago at a conference. Jamal was her first relationship and kiss—now they are celebrating 6 years of marriage. 
  • “This decision was not just for my present, but it was for my future. Right now, this is a gift that the Lord is giving me.”

 

The Unexpected Challenges of Marriage

  • Once life really started to happen and they moved into an apartment and she didn’t have a job, she felt afraid. All these fears started coming up for her.
  • “I had this romantic idea of what a marriage should look like.”
  • One month in, she started feeling sadness and depression. She was constantly comparing herself to Jamal, who was thriving.
  • She was in the mentality that she needed to be who her husband needed her to be and who everyone around her needed her to be.
  • In conflict, they were repeating what their parents did. This continued 3.5 years into marriage after they had their kids. They hit a breaking point where their communication was not working.
  • “I didn’t know how to communicate what I was feeling because I was afraid of being rejected.”

 

Finding The Breakthrough

  • Their breakthrough wasn’t overnight; healing in their marriage took time and years of leaning in.
  • Now, Natasha and Jamal are working on their business Married and Young, which they started one year into their marriage. “We want to make marriage popular. We want people to desire it again.”

 

How to Invest Into Your Marriage

  • Invest in your personal development and heal from your past. You need to forgive yourself and address past pain and hurt. Don’t be afraid to dig deep.
  • “Before you can extend grace to others you have to learn how to extend it to yourself.”
  • Realize that when you are putting in the work that it is not just for you, it is for God. You need to have a bigger why. 
  • “You can forgive and still love. You can be hurt and still grow.”
  • Truly take the time to know who you are. Discover your purpose.
  • “There’s a difference between communicating and being vulnerable.”
  • For the single ladies: you can practice this vulnerability with your family and friends because if you can’t practice it there, you won’t be able to practice it in marriage. Being able to practice it in your marriage will help sustain it during the difficult times.
  • “When you allow God to change you from the inside out, that’s when you’re able to truly love someone who is unlovable.”

 

How incredible is Natasha?! I know y’all want to connect with her so follow her at @natashaannmiller and on Facebook at Natasha Ann Miller. If you’re interested in seeing Married and Young’s resources or joining their email list, head over to MarriedAndYoung.com.

If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

 

XO,

Kat

Sep 25, 2019
Staying Connected To Hope With Mia Fieldes
01:00:18

 

This week on the podcast, I’m chatting with Mia Fieldes, who I first discovered through another podcast. Whenever I become obsessed with someone’s story, I love to look them up, but Mia is a very private person. We start off talking about the pressure today to share everything while we’re in it. As my mentor says, we have to teach from our scars not our scabs. “You have to be okay with some things being hidden.” Mia is a Grammy-nominated songwriter who is from Australia and is living in Nashville with her husband. She has written songs for Hillsong, including No. 1 radio hits ‘He Knows My Name,’ ‘Chainbreaker,’ and ‘First.’ On this episode, we talk about pursuing God’s calling as well as staying connected to hope and keeping perspective in seasons of singleness.

 

Pursuing God’s Calling

  • “When I was really little, I really did think I was going to do something amazing.”
  • She grew up as a triplet and remembers when her sisters would go to bed she would write letters to God saying, “One day I’m going to do something amazing for you. One day I’m going to write songs all over the world.”
  • “Faith is incredibly hard and it’s incredibly easy.”
  • Her mother was 22, single, and pregnant with triplets. She struggled with drug abuse, they lived in the projects, and they received food stamps from the Salvation Army.
  • The Salvation Army noticed her mother had three little kids and so they brought them to Sunday school. There, Mia sang songs about Jesus and developed the foundation of her faith.
  • “My mom was on the same journey as I was.”

 

Staying Connected to Hope in Singleness

  • “How do you believe God for something that is fully dependent on somebody else’s free will?”
  • She spent a lot of time being single and didn’t even kiss a boy until she was 22.
  • When she was beginning her first relationship, she realized that she was putting so much pressure on it because she had waited so long to enter her first relationship.
  • “I felt a grace to be single.”
  • You have to follow peace so that when you are in the storm your peace is your anchor.
  • “Everyone told me marriage would be hard… and I thought ‘yeah but being single is hard.’”
  • It’s all your perspective, but there is beauty in every season.
  • “When you get to a certain age, people put limitations on you that God never does.”
  • She notices that everyone seems to be fighting for a piece of the pie, but everyone gets their own whole pie. She got her own promise from God.

 

Keeping Perspective

  • We need to be optimistic. If we spend our energy complaining, we will get no closer to where we want to be. We will receive that negative energy back.
  • “You create your world with your words.”
  • Mia recalls the journey she went on with God guiding her toward a positive mindset and eventually her husband. “God plucked my husband seemingly out of nowhere.”
  • “If you have to convince someone into something, then believe me someone will convince them out of it.”
  • It’s easy to worry about the things you’ll have to compromise on, but when the right person comes along, you’ll realize there is no real compromise to be made.
  • “It’s so important to go to God for yourself and get your own promise. Otherwise you will filter what God is doing with you through everyone else’s story.”
  • “I don’t want the plagiarized version of somebody else’s story.”
  • Mia says that her husband, Joren, has been healing for her.
  • “God is writing a way bigger story than you can think about.”

 

Top Three Things To Look For In Your Person

  • Look for someone who is committed to change.
  • A partner must also be able to handle conflict well.
  • Communication!

 

Mia doesn’t have a website, but she does have an Instagram! You can give her a follow at @miafieldes. If you want to hear more details of her story, listen to this episode of the C3 NYC podcast.

 

If you are enjoying the podcast, I want to invite you to leave a rating and review on iTunes! We love hearing what your favorite episodes are and always welcome any general feedback! It also helps us be more visible in the iTunes world. If you want to leave a review but don’t know how, head over to @therefinedcollective on Instagram and find the “Review 101” under story highlights.

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

 

XO,

Kat

Sep 18, 2019
Babies, Botox + Body Image
46:30

It’s been a minute since I’ve done a solo show! I’m going to be honest with you guys: one of my fears is that you will only listen to the podcast if I have guests on or that the podcast will only grow if I have guests sharing the episode with their communities. But I’m moving through this insecurity and bringing the fear to light to give it less power. That being said, I am committed to stepping into this vulnerable space and doing more solo shows for you! Randomly during one of my workout classes the phrase “babies, botox, and body image” popped into my head. So that’s what we are going to discuss today! Before we dive in, I want you to know that you have permission to be in the process and on the journey. None of us are perfect!

 

Babies

  • I’ve always wanted to be a mother, but life has not turned out like I thought it would.
  • This year is the first time I started to feel that biological clock start ticking. 
  • I don’t want fear driving me into a relationship because of pressure to get things going.
  • Even in the midst of disappointment and unmet expectations, I am allowed to hope. 
  • It’s okay to want to have babies and it’s okay to not want to have babies.
  • 1 Samuel 1: Hannah asks God for a son and she ends her life with five children.
  • Mark Batterson, author of The Circle Maker, says to be bold and specific in prayer and then surrender.
  • It’s okay to be honest with God about your desire.  It’s ok to be disappointed with God. He can handle it. He is gracious, kind, and patient. He wants to be in relationship with us. 

 

Botox

“You’re allowed to be a person in process.”  

  • People ask me what I do for my skin and the reality is that I take really good care of it (Rodan and Fields anti aging system, Primally Pure toxic free clarifying serum, hyolauronic acid)… and I also get botox.
  • Botox always felt so vain and fake in my opinion, so I judged myself for wanting it.
  • Even though I really love it, I have still felt shame about it and felt silently judged when it comes up in conversations.
  • We need to disconnect from the “should,” because then we can really unfold why we want this thing and discover if it is in alignment with who we are.
  • I judged myself because I wanted to look and feel younger. I felt like I’d be letting you down if you knew that I still have insecurities—but I am in process just as you are. 
  • “Do we have space for each other to be on a journey?  Gosh, I sure hope so.”

 

Body Image

  • I love the body positivity movement and the fact that women like Ashley Graham are literally changing the game in the fashion industry and in our culture.
  • I do think we live in a culture of extremism, though. I’m a size 6, but models that are getting jobs are size 00 or size 12+. It still breeds the mentality of ‘not enough.’
  • Is there space for a person like me to be represented in our culture? I have lost ‘influencer’ jobs for not being skinny enough + now for not being big enough.
  • “It’s almost felt as though I don’t have the permission to struggle with my body image because I’m in the middle of the road.”
  • I overcame an eating disorder and praise God for that! (If you didn’t know that, I have an episode all about it.) I am healthy but I also have days where I don’t feel confident.
  • I was listening to This American Life recently called “Ten Sessions” where a woman goes into therapy sessions while moving through abuse from childhood. She had to give herself permission to grieve and seek healing from a sexual abuse where she wasn’t raped. She didn’t think her pain was valid because it wasn’t as bad as someone else’s.
  • “Wholeness is acknowledging that my stuff is worth gaining freedom from no matter how big or little I think it is.”
  • I hope that our culture can keep embracing body positivity and that we create a culture of honor for all shapes and sizes.

 

My hope is that my story reminds you that

you’re not alone,

you’re allowed to hope,

you’re allowed to be imperfect,

you’re allowed to be on a journey.

You, just as you are today right now, are enough.

 

Let’s talk about these things! Head over to @therefinedcollective and let’s have a conversation. I want to thank you for all of your encouraging comments, DMs, and reviews. I want to hear what episode has meant the most to you! Let us know in a review on iTunes and while you’re there, make sure you subscribe so you can get new episodes delivered to your phone as soon as they go live!

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

Sep 11, 2019
CBD 101: Everything You Need To Know About CBD
45:36

Has anyone else noticed that CBD is totally having a moment? You’re probably wondering ‘What is CBD?’ ‘Can I Get High From CBD?’ and ‘Is CBD legal?’ I put out a poll on IG stories and asked you if you’d want me to have an expert on to learn more about it and it just so happens that my bestie Boronia Fallshaw is the founder of Mello. We’re recording from my bed, just like the episodes with my other besties Sara and Amanda.   

“I think it’s important, when you’re talking about something like CBD, to completely understand it scientifically so you know how it’s going to affect your body.”

What Is CBD vs THC? Why Is CBD Legal?

  • A cannabinoid is a chemical compound that exists in cannabis—there are about 85. They work with your endocannabinoid system which regulates homeostasis. 
  • Our bodies already create endocannabinoids, but when we get sick things get deficient and the system doesn’t function properly.
  • You can bring your body back to homeostasis through the use of cannabinoids. 
  • CBD is a cannabinoid that works with the cannabinoid receptors outside of your brain, that’s why it doesn’t give you the high.
  • THC works with the receptors inside your brain, thus causing highs.
  • CBD only recently became legalized. For a long time, it was in a grey area.
  • As of December 2018, the Farm Bill was approved, which legalized products containing hemp-derived cannabinoids, including CBD and THC. However, the concentration of THC within each product can never be above 0.3%. 
  • Something to be aware of: CBD sometimes comes up on drug tests. 

How To Identify A Good Product

  • “Read the packaging labels and read the ingredient labels.”
  • Check the amount of CBD. A reputable brand will list the gross amount (total in the package) as well as the recommended serving.
  • Cannabinoids only come from: stalks, leaves, flowers, buds, and stems. Seed oils do not contain cannabinoids, but can function well in beauty products.
  • See if it is full spectrum, broad spectrum, or an isolate. Make sure it is hemp-derived!
  • Full spectrum includes the limited amount of THC, the anti-oxidants, the omega 3’s.
  • Broad spectrum is the same, minus the THC. Isolate is when ONLY the CBD is extracted.

What You Need To Know About Edibles

  • A lot of cafes will have drinks that include CBD, but you should be careful of that. 
  • “When you’re ingesting any edible, you’re only getting 20% of it.”
  • So if they are using an oil that is designed to be held under the tongue in your coffee you are wasting its value. If you want to add CBD to your coffee make sure you are using a product that is designed to be digested. 
  • The brand you are buying from should be clear about the product being a tincture (ie: designed to be held under the tongue) vs a water soluble product that is designed to be drunk or eaten. 
  • It’s important to make sure that anything you are using as an edible is being marketed as an edible. If it’s not meant to be an edible, you’re wasting your money.

How To Use CBD

  • Making sure you’re dosing correctly is trial and error. Boronia journals every day to track her responses.
  • “That got me to a point where I know that 33 mg every day is perfect for me.”
  • If you’re new to CBD products, use the recommended dosage for the product and go from there.
  •  “Get into a regime because then you’re operating from a place of fullness rather than deficiency.”
  • If you’re not feeling any change after three days, get in contact with the company you bought it from and ask questions. Figure out the best way to use it for you.

Perks of CBD

  • Boronia swears by CBD because it helps her but gives her no side effects.
  • “It’s like coming out of a really epic meditation but it’s with you throughout the whole day.”
  • Any time people say it doesn’t work for them it is often because they are expecting to feel something in their head, but that is not where CBD is at work.
  • “It doesn’t fix you, it helps your body fix itself.”
  • “How can I bring balance back into my life?”

Some Of Your Questions:

Should I get off of my anxiety medications and switch to CBD? 

  • Absolutely not—get in touch with your doctor and discuss with them that you want to try cannabinoids. Plenty of people do both.

Should you take CBD when you’re pregnant?

  • No. We don’t know the science of what it does to a fetus. If you really want to, consult your doctor.

What are the top reasons to take CBD?

  • Effective pain reliever, anti-inflammatory, anxiety reducing, helps sleep, appetite control, moderates the number of seizures people have. 

What are your favorite products?

  • Boronia’s company sells bath bombs and she also loves vaping. It hits your bloodstream really quickly so you can take as needed. And, Mello just launched their own product, delicious Sea Salted Caramels with 15mg of CBD in each bite. 


Boronia advises that you should just give CBD a go! Test it for a while, journal about what it does for you, and make it work for you. However, if you experience any adverse effects, absolutely stop taking it. You can keep up with Boronia on Instagram at @boroniamarie and visit her website at MelloDaily.com, Instagram at @mellodailycbd, or email her at hello@mellodaily.com.

If you want to learn more, head over to https://mellodaily.com/cbd-facts/.

If you like the podcast, I want to invite you to subscribe to the podcast and leave a rating and review. It helps us to get the episode out to more people and means the world to us! We’d love to hear your reactions to this specific episode and what topics you want to hear more of!

Fab Fit Fun is a seasonal subscription box that has FULL-SIZED beauty, fitness, fashion, and lifestyle products and I am so obsessed, y’all. The contents always have a worth of about $200 the boxes only cost $49.99! A few of my favorites from this box: a travel yoga mat, Vitamin C serum, and a gold eye mask. Even better? You get to customize what goes into your box! If you’ve ever thought about trying it—now is the time! If you go to www.fabfitfun.com and use code TRW, you’ll get $10 off your first box!

XO,

Kat Harris

Sep 04, 2019
Divorce, Online Dating, Sugar Daddies, and More
39:06

Bianca Olthoff is a pastor, Bible teacher, speaker, author, and a million other things. She and her husband began planning churches this past year and their love story is incredible. She also just released a book where she shows us how to confront the hard truths of life. Our interview was cut short because of technical problems, but we had such an incredible chat about divorce, sugar daddies, the expectations we put on ourselves, and the mentalities that hold us back.

The Heart Behind Her Book

  • Bianca’s third book, How To Have Your Life Not Suck, is a sort of manual for her 25-year-old self that was facing life’s challenges.
  • “If you are not dead, God ain’t done, sister.”
  • She looks back on these lessons and sees how they apply to her life even today.
  • “It’s your story, it’s your pain, it’s your loss, it’s your tragedy, it’s your trauma, it’s your success, it’s your wins, and no one can take that from you.”
  • We love the up and down journeys of characters in films, but when we experience the downs in life, we want none of it. But we need it to become who we are.
  • “We want the progress without the process and it doesn’t work like that.”

Confronting Expectations

  • When Bianca turned 25, she looked back at the goals she set for herself several years earlier and found she was not where she wanted to be.
  • “I’m willing to step into the hard, I’m willing to be responsible.”
  • The difference between girls and women is not a matter of age, it is a matter of choice. Choosing to step into the hard work makes you an adult.
  • “There is beauty in the work.”

On Wanting Sugar Daddies

  • “We can wait around hoping, wishing, praying that Prince Charming will come and rescue us but the truth is that if we are believers in Christ we’ve already been rescued.”
  • Bianca challenges us to prove to ourselves that we can take care of ourselves.
  • She warns us to not take it too far, though. “In our independence we can push people away.”
  • If we are open for relationships, are we making that known? Like lights on taxis, we need to indicate if we are open or shut down to the possibility.
  • “We want to complain about things that we actually have control over.”

Bianca’s Love Story

  • Bianca was in her late 20’s and waiting for God to bring a man to her doorstep.
  • She ultimately started an online dating profile on eHarmony, where she ended up meeting her current husband, who had previously been married and had two children.
  • She was confronted by the opinions of society, her family, her friends, and her church.
  • “We have an opportunity to play a part in someone’s redemption story. That is a gift. That is an honor. But let me say this: that is not easy.”
  • “When you choose that person, you’re choosing their entire life.”
  • Ruth was a widow, was barren, could no longer have kids, and went to work and caught the eye of an amazing man who loved her.
  • “The moment you walk in in this servitude of ‘I can’t believe you’ve seen me, woe is me,’ is the moment you forget who you are. Child of God, you are fearfully and wonderfully made.”
  • If you are in that mindset, it will take work and therapy to achieve a healthy mindset.
  • “There are beautiful things that grow out of really dry and barren places so don’t give up.”

Now I’m not divorced, but did this talk with Bianca make me cry? YUP. I am so grateful for Bianca, her friendship, her book, and her story. Her book just came out yesterday and you can buy it on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, or any brick and mortar shop. You can get more info at BiancaOlthoff.com or on social media at @biancaolthoff

If you like the podcast, I want to invite you to subscribe to the podcast and leave a rating and review. It helps us to get the episode out to more people and means the world to us! We’d love to hear your reactions to this specific episode and what topics you want to hear more of!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to getting out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

XO,

Kat Harris

Aug 28, 2019
Everything You Were Never Taught About Your Period
01:10:59

I am so excited to be chatting with my soul sister Kate Eskuri today! This episode we’re talking all about PERIODS. Ladies, you’re going to learn so much more than you ever did in health class. Kate is a registered nurse, holistic health junkie, and the voice behind The Foundation Blog. She is currently getting her doctorate degree in integrative health and healing and is passionate about helping women maximize their health by simple and foundational health practices. Our hope is that this conversation will empower you to do research and make informed decisions for that time of the month.

Finding The Balance

  • Kate took a year off from being a nurse in the Mayo Clinic to work on her sister Jenna Kutcher's Goal Digger Podcast. During this time, she realized her passion for integrative health.
  • “What are you doing when you’re putting off something else?”
  • She knows that areas of Western medicine need improvement, but also recognizes that this medicine is the reason we are alive today after seeing it in action in the ICU.
  • However, chronic conditions that plague our country prove a need for a shift toward the holistic. We need to look at sleep, stress, and diet.
  • “I feel very at home in this spot in the middle.”

Becoming A Woman

“Everything in my life was very natural but yet I was still controlling this really natural and beautiful cycle.”

  • Kate never felt any shame around her period. “I just felt honored and excited about it.”
  • Her periods were regular but were more frequent than they should have been. “It takes a while to normalize your cycle.”
  • Wanting to prevent this near constant bleeding, she tried the NuvaRing but ultimately settled on the Mirena IUD which allowed her to continue ovulating.

Cons of Hormonal Contraceptive

  • “I completely trust my fellow woman to make the choice that is best for her. There is an option that is right for everybody.”
  • The hormones in contraceptives are not the exact hormones your body would make. 
  • Hormonal contraception often suppress ovulation and ultimately suppress hormones that are natural and have important benefits.
  • “You’re inhibiting a very natural process that goes a lot deeper than just your period.”

The Phases Of Your Cycle

Ladies + Gents--the below is just an overview...you gotta listen to the whole episode to get the goods of each phase of your cycle!

1. Menstruation/Winter

  • Day 1: shedding the uterine lining.
  • You’re maybe feeling moody or withdrawn, experiencing cramps, and a need to slow down. It’s like the ‘winter’ season of the cycle.
    1. Follicular/Spring
  • Day 3 or 4: Follicle stimulating hormone is working on the dominant egg.
  • More energy in this phase, almost like stepping back into your skin.
  • This time is good for creative projects and you’ll experience clear thinking.
  • “You feel energetic and attractive... it’s just a really vibrant time.”
    1. Ovulation/Summer
  • Body releases egg as the pituitary gland signals for it to release.
  • “You can’t kind of ovulate—you either ovulate or you don’t.”
  • High energy, high sex drive, you feel attractive. Your hormones even make you more attractive to those around you. There is a study that shows a correlation between a woman’s scent during ovulation and a man’s attraction to her.
    1. Luteal/Fall
  • Progesterone—can make you moody and somber, but it’s really important.
  • “It is the yin to estrogen’s yang.”
  • Progesterone is calming, helps sleep, reduces inflammation, + builds muscles.
  • “The shift from being so estrogen dominant at parts of your cycle to progesterone dominant causes an influx of emotion—what we see as PMS.”

Getting To Know Your Period

“Your period health says a lot about your overall health.”

  1. Track Your Cycle!
  • Kate journals every morning and will write about how she is feeling on the previous day of her cycle. A few key words is all you need—nothing flashy!
  • Kate uses the Ava app and Kat uses the My Flo app. 
  • “Your period story does not have to be suffering every month.”
    1. Books To Read:
  • The Period Repair Manual by Laura Briden (textbook info in novel format)
  • Hormonal by Martie Haselton (quick + easy relatable read) 

Thoughts On Period Products

  • Thoughts on tampons? “Invest in organic—it does matter.” Regular tampons are covered in toxins.
  • Thoughts on menstrual cups? Tampons are single use and create waste so this is a great alternative. Kate uses OrganiCup and LOVES it. “I can’t believe I lived for so long without using it.” It’s easy to clean—simply boil between cycles. It may not be for everybody—some women say they experience more cramps using a cup.
  • Thoughts on Thinx? Kate hasn’t tried them, but Kat has some friends that swear by them and only use them during their periods. 
  • “Whatever makes you feel most at home and comfortable with your period… I say go for it.”

You can keep up with Kate on Instagram at @kate.eskuri or at her website thefoundationblog.com. She shares everything from safe ways to grow out your eyelashes to yummy recipes. She has a post specifically about acupressure for periods too! “It all comes back to the base of introducing small integrative habits into your day to live your most balanced and vibrant life.” You can sign up for her email list to get secret special content that nobody else sees! If you join now you can see her evening rituals for better sleep and her all-natural grocery shopping guide. 

If you like the podcast, I want to invite you to subscribe to the podcast and leave a rating and review. It helps us to get the episode out to more people and means the world to us! We’d love to hear your reactions to this specific episode and what topics you want to hear more of!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

XO,

Kat 

Aug 21, 2019
Pursuing Purpose Regardless of Your Season
57:29

 

Today, we are very lucky to have one of my dear friends, Dianna Bautista, on the podcast. We go way back—she once gave me my dream Beyoncé haircut (from her XO music video) in my kitchen. She used to work as a celebrity hair stylist, but now she lives and works in Thailand, where she helps men and women come out of sex trafficking through her nonprofit, Shear International. This episode, we talk about living life to the fullest regardless of the season you are in (cough cough:  whether you’re married or not). She talks about her journey of healing from an abusive marriage, and why she is loving her season of singleness.

 

The WHY

 “I don’t want any woman to ever experience what I have experienced.”

 

  • The town she lives in is widely recognized as the sex tourism capital of the world. 
  • She goes into brothels, pays pimps for time with a girl, and sits to talk with them. After they build trust with these women, they help them to see that there are ways out.
  • When she was little, she was unable to use her voice to help her brother who was a victim of sexual abuse. After she came home from a trip where she witnessed similar abuse, she was encouraged by her brother to use the voice she has now.
  • “There is no room in this world for complacency.”

 

Red Flags

“My faith meant something to me and I just thought it was okay that he ‘respected’ what I believed.”

  • She only realized after the fact that he did not dedicate enough time to her. “I felt only worthy of what he was willing to give me.”
  • Ladies: just because he is treating you better than other men have does NOT mean he is treating you well. “Any attention he gave me was good enough.”
  • “The way that you allow people to treat you is how they will always treat you.”

 

Pursuing Wholeness

“We need those friends in our lives who are willing to risk putting up the mirror.”

  • These friends help us confront truths, even when they are really hard to confront.
  • “His addiction to porn became such shame to me.”
  • It took her years of therapy and healing to realize that it had nothing to do with her. “That was his shame, not mine.”
  • Healing is a long process. “You don’t get to come out free the other side unless you do the work.”
  • She acknowledges that the healing process is often even more painful than what you need healing from—it’s like breaking a bone.

 

Healing takes TIME.

“I want the man of my prayers, not the man of my dreams.”

 

  • The healing is not only a slow process, but it’s also a never-ending process. “I’ll be on my journey until the day I die.”
  • Too often, we put our lives on pause because we feel it can’t fully start until we have that one person to do it with. Lady Dianna is doing all of this single.
  • Though she would be happy to be in a relationship, she is happy where she now.
  • I’m choosing to desire what God wants for me right now because the path I wanted to be on was never going to be a good idea.”
  • God’s best for you is better than you can imagine. “I want the man of my prayers, not the man of my dreams.”

 

We were unexpectedly cut off as we were wrapping up because her Wi-Fi went out, but I hope this conversation has been as encouraging for you as it has been for me. She is living her calling and I want women all over the world to hear her story and realize they don’t need to wait for their life to start. Check out her nonprofit Shear Love International where you can learn  more about it and support her by giving monthly donations. Also, I want to give a shoutout to her admin Sara who has been such a supporter of the podcast!

 

If you like the podcast, I want to invite you to subscribe to the podcast and leave a rating and review. It helps us to get the episode out to more people and means the world to us! 

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

 

Fab Fit Fun is a seasonal subscription box that has FULL-SIZED beauty, fitness, fashion, and lifestyle products and I am so obsessed, y’all. The contents always have a worth of about $200 the boxes only cost $49.99! A few of my favorites from this box: a travel yoga mat, Vitamin C serum, and a gold eye mask. Even better? You get to customize what goes into your box! If you’ve ever thought about trying it—now is the time! If you go to www.fabfitfun.com and use code TRW, you’ll get $10 off your first box! 

 

XO,

Kat

Aug 14, 2019
The 5 Productivity Hacks You Need In Your Life
55:39

 

Ashlyn Carter is a baller at marketing, copywriting, and productivity hacks. A lot of you have had questions like “how do I stay productive in my day to day life?” “how do I pursue my side hustle?” and “how do I work from home and stay motivated?” 

Well, there is no better person to guide you through this than the one and only: Ashlyn Carter.

How She Got Started

“This job that I was in was never going to be okay with me taking rest.”

  • Out of college, she worked in marketing and then in PR. When she made an effort to keep Sundays free from work, her boss told her she was in the wrong industry!

  • She began to focus her control on her body and her eating and ultimately recognized she was suffering from anorexia, anxiety, and depression. After her wedding, she took steps toward healing and spent three months hospitalized.

  • Soon after, she decided she wanted to work for herself so she started her own business.

The Turning Point

  • Mindset is critical when you are starting a new pursuit. “I looked at my new job as a business owner not a freelancer.”

  • “It’s never been a better time to start a business, but at the same time it’s never been a noisier place.”

  • Ashlyn used what she knew from marketing to excel in her new business. She would reach out to people who needed help, and slowly began to make a dent in the industry. “I found the Ashlyn-sized gap in the market.” 

Being Organized As An Entrepreneur

  • Ashlyn got obsessive about her work because she was determined to not go back to her old job. Because of this, she found herself back where she started working 7 days a week. 

  • She wanted to set up a business that could run when she couldn’t work so she began “Ashlyn-proofing” her business with outlines and structures.

  • It’s not going to change if you don’t make it a priority.

Productivity Hacks

  1. Get a Parking Lot

  • It’s important to have a constant space where you can put any idea in your head and know that it is logged and captured.

  • This helps fight the shiny object syndrome.

  1. Make Lists

  • At the end of the month, she looks at her to-do list and asks herself what felt like a “to do” and what actually was a “to do.”

  • When it comes to realizing the difference, she sets annual goals and re-reads them every single week. Seeing these big goals alongside her daily “to do”s helps her to choose well.

  • “What is actually going to inch me towards who I want to be at the end of 2019?”

  1. Be Nosy

  • Pay attention to how people are spending their time.  Be curious. Try new hacks out. Keep it if it works. If it doesn’t work: throw it out.

  1. Weekly Review

“You don’t get rewarded for what you intend to do; you get rewarded for what you DO.”

  • Every week Ashlyn asks herself these 4 questions:

  • What worked and didn’t work from this week?

  • What lessons did I learn?

  • What obstacles did I run into?

  • How am I going to adjust moving forward?

  1. Batching

  • Divide your business into five big topics you need to get done. Assign each big topic to a day of the week. i.e. Marketing, meetings, finance, client work, etc. 

  • This brings back the structure that encourages us to get work done.

Ashlyn leaves us with these wonderful words of wisdom: “Even if you never slept you still wouldn’t be able to meet the expectations everyone is putting on you.” Head over to her website AshlynWrites.com where you can get her freebies and sign up for her AMAZING emails!!

You guys are still going crazy over last week’s episode of my recap of The Bachelorette! If you haven’t listened yet, hop over and do that after listening to this episode! If you like the podcast, I want to invite you to subscribe to the podcast and leave a rating and review. It helps us to get the episode out to more people!

Fab Fit Fun is a seasonal subscription box that has FULL-SIZED beauty, fitness, fashion, and lifestyle products and I am so obsessed, y’all. The contents always have a worth of about $200 the boxes only cost $49.99! A few of my favorites from this box: a travel yoga mat, Vitamin C serum, and a gold eye mask. Even better? You get to customize what goes into your box! If you’ve ever thought about trying it—now is the time! If you go to www.fabfitfun.com and use code TRW, you’ll get $10 off your first box! 

Aug 08, 2019
The Bachelorette Recap: Hannah, Luke P, Sex, and Jesus
54:47

 

Before we dive in to this recap, I just want to first say that this will not be a podcast episode of me judging everyone on The Bachelorette. Unless we have been on reality television before, we don’t know how we would handle these situations so we should always be looking at them with grace. I am not here to make anyone wrong or right. These are just my thoughts and responses to the tons of questions you guys sent in about The Bachelorette. You guys had a lot of questions about Hannah’s conversations with Luke P. specifically surrounding sex and her faith.

The Fantasy Suite Conversation 

  • Is it fair to talk about your thoughts on sex with the person you’re dating? Absolutely! You should always make this clear early on.
  • The problem with holding onto initial attraction
  • First decide what you believe + what is a non-negotiable to you—it’s much harder to do that in the moment.
    • For example my non-negotiables: man of God, loves Jesus, abstaining from pre-marital sex.
    • If you’re thinking of proposing to someone in less than a week + they’ve slept with multiple people at that same time—that would be a deal breaker for me. That’s not judgmental or slut shaming—it’s just connecting to what you want + what is a non-negotiable for you.
    • Assume nothing! Just because they share your worldview and/or faith doesn’t mean they view things exactly how you do. (Luke made assumptions about her.)
  • Communicate early + often
    • A lot of drama can be avoided when we commit to communicating where we’re at + why with humility + grace.  
  • Create a healthy pace for physical intimacy (this one is HARD for me).
    • Physical intimacy too soon creates a false sense of intimacy—they had this initial spark + their physical chemistry was so intense.  It blurs your vision to discern outside of the physical.

Bottom Line

  • Both of them could’ve handled that conversation WAY better.
    • Luke often displayed arrogance + needed to have the last word + be right.
  • If the tables were turned + there was a guy on the bachelor bragging + showcasing who he slept with + how many times—he would’ve been viewed as a pig—but now she’s an empowered woman—it’s inconsistent + is taking the low road. Always take the high road—whether you’re right or wrong.
  • Sex Is Not A Pre-Qualifier For A Relationship With Jesus
    • What I do/not do with my body doesn’t keep us in or out of heaven with Jesus.
    • It is by grace ALONE you have been saved through faith.
  • The Bible Teaches Pre-Marital Sex Is A Sin
    • As a Christ follower, I’m committing to submit myself to His teachings + ways.
    • He’s not afraid of sex, sexuality, desire, pleasure—He created it that way.
    • I am limited in my knowledge — is it possible that God knows more than me? Yes!
    • Saying no to something good + beautiful in the moment for a greater goal takes courage + humility + vision + support.
  • Sexual Sin Vs Other Sins
    • Talking about sin is triggering right?  We don’t like talking about when we blow it. It’s not fun. Often times we already feel like crap about it + calling it a sin feels condescending—I get that.  But what if we reframe what sin is: sins are the choices I make that separate me from God.  
    • I make choices that create distance between me + God every single day.
    • Sexual sin is no worse than being prideful. We’re all on equal playing field here.
  • Since There’s Grace Should We Just Do Whatever We Want? 
    • By no means—I think this differentiates religion from a relationship with God.
    • Religion is rule based:  If I do this, God does this.  
    • A relationship is different—#1 metaphor God uses to describe his relationship with humanity is that of a husband + wife.  
      • It’s so easy to take advantage of the unconditional love from our loved ones when we know they’re not going anywhere. It’s a constant process to show our love and kindness to others.

On top of all of this, I talk on this episode about my thoughts on believers dating non-believers, if I think the dating on The Bachelorette honors God, and who I think the next bachelor will be! PLUS would I ever go on the show? And how would I handle the fantasy suite?! Be sure to head over to our Instagram @therefinedcollective to share your thoughts about this episode on our post!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

 

Jul 31, 2019
How To Identify The Subtle Fears That Are Keeping You Stuck
01:12:59

This week’s conversation with my friend Dr. Shannon Irvine means so much to me because we’re talking about the idea of taking our thoughts captive and rewiring our brains. Fear can be subtle, so we often accept certain things in life that keep us stuck. Do you ever think “I’m just always going to be the bridesmaid,” “There are too many people with a similar message in my industry—why would I even try?” It’s time to remove fear from the driver’s seat of your life. Dr. Shannon helps entrepreneurs train their thinking to transform their businesses and their whole lives. She has a PhD in neuropsychology, where she studies the science of success. 

The Science of the Brain

  • Minds are neutral—that is why scripture says to renew your mind.
  • Our brain is automated, but once we take our brain off of autopilot we can decide if the narratives we have been following are actually serving us well.
  • Habits of a successful person: “What they’ve repeated over and over again is the truth according to the better versions of themselves.”
  • Thoughts move like they’re on the freeway + have to jump if they’re to get off the path.
  • When we repeat thoughts, the ‘freeways’ become glued together/automated.
  • Most people think good habits take 21 days, but it really takes about 60-67 days to stop the old thoughts and choose to make your mind go to the new thoughts.

How To Manage Your Thoughts

  • Sit down and say “God, what do you want? Where are we going?”
  • Think “I will become the creator of my thoughts.”
  • Recognize that your thoughts create your reality.
  • Look around at your life—that is evidence of your subconscious programming.
  • Bottom line: stop being on autopilot.

Trust The Process

  • Go through a typical day and recognize when you’re feeling tired, stressed, in resistance, in tension.
  • “Does that thought take me to where I want to be or keep me from it?”
  • If you want to amplify it: put yourself in situations that stress you out with the intention of hearing the thoughts.
  • All of us, particularly women, have negativity bias where we think more negative thoughts toward ourselves than toward others.

The Four ‘R’ Process

  1. Recognition
  • Focusing on the thoughts will not amplify them, it will help us address them.
  1. Record
  • Write down the thought exactly as it came up in your mind.
  1. Removing/Refuting
  • Choose somebody you love more than anything, and say out loud your thought but place it on that person (not to their face though!!). This will make you see the lie for what it is.
  • On paper, start writing what is true for that person. It is a mirror truth… true for you also.

Visualization/Brain Priming

  • Two base lies: worth and value. It boils down to “I am enough.”
  • Brain priming: paint the picture in your mind of your potential with all of your senses. Your brain will start seeing it as true.
  • “Step into the version of ourselves that we want to become.”
  • We start to show our brain from a conscious level “This is what I believe” and the brain starts to store it as truth and automate it.
  • “You get to decide what to think.”

What If The Thing Isn’t Supposed To Happen?

  • “God gives you the desires of your heart.”
  • “Don’t put limits on what God wants to do for you.”
  • “You don’t know the capacity to which He has called you until you start believing for more than where you are right now.”

Now I KNOW you all want to keep up with Dr. Shannon. Her signature program is “The Epic Success Academy,” but if you want to just get your toes wet, grab your brain priming audio here: https://drshannonirvine.com/mindyourbusiness. You can also connect with her on Instagram at @drshannonirvine, Facebook at “Dr. Shannon Irvine,” and her Facebook Group “Epic Success Tribe.”

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! Be sure to hear over to our Instagram @therefinedcollective to share your thoughts about this episode on our post!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

Jul 24, 2019
How to Marie Kondo Your Mental Health
01:12:17

Hi, friends! I am so grateful that you are back for another episode and I am so excited to share this one with you! This week I’m talking to Dr. Therese Mascardo—she is the CEO and founder of Exploring Therapy, where the mission is to build a life you don’t need a vacation from. She gives such clear and practical insight. You will walk away from this episode with more than some great theories; you will walk away with multiple things you can do TODAY to support your mental health.

Just like Marie Kondo aims to spark joy by tidying up, you can live a more joyful life by applying those same rules to your mental health.

  1. Commit
  • The first step in anything is committing to the process and making the change.
  • “You have to be motivated and willing to commit to therapy for it to work for you.”
  1. Visualize
  • You need to be concrete and specific about what you want and what you’d like your life to look like. It helps to physically write it down!
  • We think about what we don’t want instead of what we do want, which isn’t that helpful.”
  • Visualizing bad outcomes is a shortcut to having anxiety. Though anxiety is like the guard dog of our brain, we can shift our relationship with it.
  • “It’s not just God’s way or my way—it is my way together with God.”
  1. Declutter
  • You need to get rid of the things that are weighing you down.
  • “Possessions are things you own and baggage is what owns you.”
  • Baggage can be people, thoughts, items, SO many things.
  • “We need to treat our emotions as valuable consultants in our lives.”
  • To identify your baggage, ask yourself: “How do I feel when I am around this? Is this serving me? 
  1. Categorize
  • You need to approach your mental health with a plan.
  • “A therapist is usually a person who can hear your struggles, hear where you want to be, and say ‘here are the steps we are going to take.’”
  • We need to be proactive with our problems and take control instead of being reactive when we feel things falling apart.
  • “Allowing yourself to look down the road and plan ahead is one of the biggest gifts you can give yourself.”
  1. Order
  • “Prioritize the tasks you are taking on for your mental health and focus on the things that move the dial the most.”
  • You can’t focus on solving your mommy/daddy issues if you don’t have a roof over your head. You need to prioritize what you put your energy into.
  • “Work on your relationship with yourself first.”
  1. Joy
  • Consult with your feelings and discover what sparks joy.
  • “Ask yourself if it sparks joy, not other people, not Instagram, not your friends.”
  • Seeking input from others is valuable, but we have taken it too far.

I mean how good is all of her insight? You can keep up with her on Instagram at @exploring.therapy and her website www.ExploringTherapy.com.

If you know anything about my style, it’s this: simple and minimal. I love feeling feminine and pulled together but hate when it takes a lot of time and drama to get ready! For jewelry, I love minimalistic pieces from Ana Luisa! I love the quality of their pieces, the reasonable prices, and they are socially conscious—they use 100% recycled gold. If you want to buy some pieces from Ana Luisa (AND get $10 off your order), go to www.AnaLuisa.com/therefinedcollective.

Jul 10, 2019
Real Talk: Dating in Your 30s vs. 20s
51:31

Kristina is the founder of the DTR Blog-- @thedtrblog on Instagram. She started it when she was going through her own dating struggles and it slowly grew over time and is now a massive community. You’ve probably seen her wit and wisdom all over the internet. This episode, we chat about why she started The DTR Blog and how her own dating journey has evolved over the years.

Dating In Your 20s

Kristina was raised as a Christian and rebelled a bit in college. After college, she lived in England and met a guy. Within three months, they were talking about engagement. They prayed about whether they should be married and ultimately, he broke up with her. This breakup, paired with her mother passing away, led her to several panic attacks every day and she spiraled into drinking and workaholic mode. Then, at 28, she moved in with her dad and quit her job.

While beginning her healing journey, she began the DTR Blog as a way for comedy to heal her and enter her church life. Because of her memes, she got a book deal and now she is living happily in Los Angeles. 

Dating in your 20s involves a lot of the internet and some girls in their 20s just don’t realize that the behavior they see from men online is unacceptable. Sure, a guy can slide into your DMs, but the way he does it is very important. She noticed when the DTR Blog grew that more men were reaching out on DMs and as a result she has had more set-ups. However, she also gets creepy stalkers reaching out to her on DM.

Dating In Your 30s

Kristina has matured in the way she approaches dating and healing. “I want to get married, but if that doesn’t happen that’s okay.”

She offers some great advice on how to be normal in dating:

  1. Know what you believe about God + yourself
    1. “You can’t be successful in dating if you don’t know who you are or what you believe”
    1. You don’t have to pray about going on a first date…unless he’s a super creeper!
  2. Keep it light + fun
    1. It’s important to have people to support you in the journey because it can be hard + weird dating these days!
  3. Community

Keep up with Kristina on Instagram at @thedtrblog, where she will update you on her book that is coming out! You can also learn more about her at her website, TheDTRBlog.com.

If there’s anyone who understands how frustrating dating as a Christian woman in today’s culture is, it’s me. So, first things first, I just want to say I see you.  And as real as all of these feelings are, it’s time to SHIFT our mindset ladies.

The Activate Your Dating Life Program is an implementation program that not only shows you exactly how to actively step into dating with vision, clarity, confidence, and freedom.  But also, how to put yourself out there and actually meet quality single, godly men, while being surrounded by a community of powerful women cheering you on!

Here’s all the information you need. 

Jul 03, 2019
5 Tips to Unpacking Your Calling & Purpose
53:42

 

This is the first time ever I have had two guests at the same time! This week, I’m talking with Mac and Kenz of Delight Ministries. Together, they co-founded Delight Ministries for college women. It has chapters at about 150 different college campuses! They meet weekly to create space for women to come and feel known and loved and build each other up. They also host a podcast, which you can listen to here. This episode, they give practical tools for how you can unpack your calling and purpose.

Unpacking your Calling + Purpose

  1. Solidify your identity
  • You have to know who you are! If you hang your identity on something like ‘good at playing guitar,’ you’re setting yourself up for an identity crisis when you realize how many other people are also good at playing guitar.
  • “I could become president tomorrow and my identity would not change.”
  • This goes for jobs as well as relationships—never place your identity in either!
  • A good indicator that your identity is misplaced is when you feel like you are constantly striving and struggling to prove yourself.
  1. Healing from your past
  • We take baggage into new seasons of our lives—both the good and the bad.
  • For the bad, you have to unpack that so that it doesn’t become dead weight, drag you down, and negatively affect your future.
  • Your past traumas have the potential to bring light to your future.
  • “Let God search you and search yourself to be able to move forward.”
  • A tangible way of doing this is to stop blaming and start taking ownership of circumstances.
  1. Grow spiritually mature
  • “Stepping into our calling meant that our life was probably going to look different to the people around us.”
  • They believe in active waiting—you can be productive while you’re waiting. You have to be constantly taking steps toward your calling.
  • Seeking God, community, and self-awareness are all active.
  1. Stop comparing
  • Identify what comparison is stealing your joy and bring it to light.
  • “Comparison is turning up the volume of the enemy’s voice in our lives.”
  • The antidote to comparison is celebrating others who you would otherwise be jealous of.
  • Don’t become so focused on comparison that you find yourself in someone else’s calling instead of your own.
  • “What’s right and perfect for her is not going to be what’s right and perfect for me.”
  • “When I celebrate her gifts, it gives me freedom to really step into my unique gifts.”
  1. Step into your passions
  • “So many of us are half-heartedly following these whole-hearted dreams.”
  • Heads up, ladies… guys are really into when women are wholeheartedly following their dreams.
  • “Your relationship should feel like a gift, not an achievement.”
  • Follow the things that light you up and make you feel whole.
  • So many people are too afraid to step into their passions because of the fear of failure.
  • Piece of advice: Grab a friend who has the same passion and step into it together!

Keep up with these amazing ladies on their website at DelightMinistries.com. Get in touch with them if you want to start a chapter of Delight Ministries on your college campus! You can buy their book “How to Prepare for Your Future Love Story” here!

P.S. I've taken your top questions + doubts + insecurities + made them into a FREE ONLINE WORKSHOP NEXT WEEK:  The 3 Biggest Breakthroughs that Will Transform Your Dating Life:  Equipping You to Navigate Christian dating in a swipe-right, swipe left culture with intention, hope, and clarity.

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Jun 12, 2019
The Top 15 Questions You're Dying to Ask the Men in Your Life // The Dudes Series #6
41:27

This is the FINAL episode of the Dudes Series, y’all! This is actually the first episode I recorded for the series and the one where I ask the top 15 questions you’re dying to ask the men in your life. This episode, I’m talking with Matt Dooley—you may recognize his last name because he is married to my good friend Jordan Lee Dooley, who just released her book Own Your Everyday. He is humble, unafraid of his wife’s strength, and a man of integrity. In this conversation, we tackle A LOT to get ready to take notes.

Do guys know when a girl has a crush on them?

  • No—you’ve got to spell it out for them.
  • “We don’t have the same emotional intelligence as women.”

Do guys develop attraction over time or does it have to be there from the get-go?

  • He knows this won’t be the case for everybody, but he knew the moment he met Jordan that she was the one.
  • “You want the person to love you for who you are—don’t change yourself so a person will like you.”

Which do you value more—respect or love?

  • He mentions a book called Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. The book outlines that while men and women need both love and respect, women need love most and men need respect most.

How do I know if he likes me?

  • He will prioritize you if he likes you.
  • “When you’re in a relationship with someone, you have to sacrifice for them.”

Is it true that if he is interested he will do whatever it takes to make it happen?

  • He’ll definitely pursue, but The Notebook isn’t real life.
  • Don’t be afraid to take a leap and start a conversation about it if he is not being clear.

Do you think guys and girls can be just friends?

  • No—biologically we were not wired for that.
  • “When the romance isn’t there, the friendship isn’t there.”

How can I let him know I am interested in being more than just friends?

  • The same way he will show you—give him your time.
  • “To love at all is to be vulnerable.” – C.S. Lewis

Would you recommend dating someone who doesn’t share your worldview or faith?

  • Shared faith is the rock-solid foundation of a successful relationship.
  • “When you have arguments and disagreements, you have this to fall back on.”

Are men intimidated by women with a successful career?

  • Men can be competitive by nature—but he should be focused on supporting his wife more than feeling insecure.
  • “Is she going to give me the time and attention that I need?”

What is something women do that feels emasculating?

  • He likes to pay for dinner on a date. Basically, let a man be chivalrous and honor you.
  • “If you don’t let a man put you first, he’s not going to put you first.”

How can a woman honor and respect the man in her life?

  • “Acknowledge his successes and encourage him.”
  • This is more effective than yelling at him when he makes mistakes.

What do you think men are looking for in a relationship?

  • They need someone to push them and call them on their crap.
  • “You want someone to call you out because you’re refining each other.”

Why do you think a lot of guys don’t date within their own community (like church)?

  • Fear of awkwardness at church every week if it doesn’t work out.
  • Some of them may do this because they don’t want the accountability.

What do you think is a guy’s biggest fear in a relationship?

  • Infidelity, especially if that is something he has been hurt by in the past.

Where are all of the single Godly men?

  • “Not every guy is going to look like Brad Pitt, have a six pack and love Jesus.”
  • Give a chance to the guy who is pursuing you.

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

XO, 

Kat Harris

Jun 06, 2019
How to Create a Culture of Honor in Dating // The Dudes Series #5
49:55

Hey, friends! The Dudes Series is back this week with Jeff Johnson, a worship pastor at Passion City Church in Atlanta. This episode is all about how to create a culture of honor in dating. Jeff shares his love story (he and his wife, Jourdan, dated off and on for 10 years), which is a beautiful reminder that love can look different for everyone. He also talks about the biggest fears guys have (spoiler alert: they have just as many as we do), pornography, and what to do when/if the guy you’re with shares that he struggles in this area.

Does attraction have to be there from the start?

  • Personally, he was physically attracted to Jourdan since the first time he saw her.
  • “Over the years, there are certain characteristics of hers that make me more attracted to her.”
  • Attraction is not just physical; attraction goes deeper than that. “Her character speaks louder than her beauty.”

How can a break be used for growth?

  • They broke up after being together for 8 years. Jeff thought he just needed time to work on himself, but Jourdan moved on and started dating a new guy.
  • “Every struggle I’m trying to work through needs to be about God… not for Jourdan.”
  • Jeff put in the work, invited his community in to the struggle, and sought counseling.
  • They got back together two years later when he was clear with his intentions with her. They were married within six months.

Which do you value more, respect or love?

  • “Guys want to feel respected and like they carry weight in the relationship.”
  • He acknowledges that men are wounded—some guys out there did not have the male leaders guiding them to step into their roles as a man.
  • “Extend grace to the guy that you’re walking with because they are broken.”
  • Sometimes we need to just remember that we are all broken and it is not productive to expect perfection from the other person.

What are the biggest fears guys have in relationships?

  • If they open up about something, they want to know they will be accepted and understood. They want to feel safe.
  • Being with someone 24/7, everything comes out into the open. “When you get married, there is nothing off the table.”
  • “I know your story and it’s covered by grace, just like my story is covered by grace.”

How do you discuss porn when he shares it is something he struggles with?

  • It’s hard for women to hear these struggles because they often fall into the trap of thinking they are not enough, which is not the case.
  • Think about if you see friends in his life bringing him closer to Christ and challenging him on this issue.
  • “That’s a really good indication of what her life might look like with this person... if he’s willing to fight through the hard things or if he’s not.” 

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

XO,

Kat Harris

Jun 04, 2019
The #1 Way to Know If He's Into You // The Dudes Series #4
52:56

 

This week, the Dudes Series continues with Tim Timberlake! He is the pastor of Christian Faith Center in North Carolina. He has been married to wife Jen for five years and together they are the parents of a two-year-old named Maxwell Ace Timberlake. He calls himself a Christian first, a husband second, a father third, and then he’s a pastor.

How do you grow together in marriage?

  • Tim shares his experience as a divorced man who went on to find the love of his life.
  • “You can absolutely be married to God’s perfect choice, but if both people aren’t pursuing God, then that quickly changes.”
  • Communication can help us to grow together, because change is inevitable.
  • “Every want that I have is leading me towards my flesh.”
  • We have to lean into the promise from God that we will be with the person we are meant to be with.
  • “We don’t get let down by what happens to us, we get let down by what we expected not to happen to us.” 

3 things to put on your list:

  • Do you guys make those lists of perfect qualities you’d like in your partner?
  • “My list at 20 is completely different than my list at 30.”
  • Make sure that your list focuses on common ground—things that can bring you closer as a couple. Make sure he pursues Jesus, and physical attraction is important too!

How can we practice sacrifice as single women?

  • Love is a choice and there is no other relationship that sets us up for the sacrifices and commitment through the tough times when we are in seasons of singleness.
  • “The way that I treated my time with God was the exact same way I treated the people around me who needed my sacrifice.”
  • He notes that whenever he finds himself being short with the people he loves, he can pinpoint it to not spending enough time with God.
  • “I want this person to win more than I want to win in this relationship.”

Lightning round:

  • Can guys tell when a woman likes her? ABSOLUTELY! But misreads do happen.
  • Does attraction have to be there from the start? Attraction will constantly evolve.
  • Which do you value more—respect or love? Respect and honor go hand in hand. Honor is impossible without love. There has to be action behind it.
  • How do I know if he likes me? If he makes sacrifices for you, he’s serious about you. There’s a distinction to be made between want (convenience) and like.

You can keep up with Tim at TimTimberlake.tv or on Instagram at @ttimberlake and Twitter @timtimberlake.

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

May 30, 2019
Can Men + Women Be Just Friends? The Dudes Series #3 with Ben Stuart
53:40

Welcome to another episode in the Dudes Series! (If you missed the first two episodes, you can listen to them here and here!) This episode, I’m continuing the conversation with Ben Stuart, the pastor of Passion City Church DC. Before that, he ran a college ministry and a singles ministry. Basically, he has worked with a lot of young single Christians. DC is one of the loneliest cities in America and people are longing for connection, so he has found a lot of people come to his church looking for that connection. This episode, we do a deep dive into some of your biggest questions about dating.

Where are all of the single Godly men?

  • There are two levels to this question: physically where are they… and why are they not pursing me?
  • He notes the social implications of technology has changed the dating scene. People are losing the personal connection and ability to socialize in person.
  • Only 12% of single women were asked out in the last year.
  • “I know great men that are running in the world, and if you get running in a healthy direction, you’re going to see them out there.”
  • There can be a blame shift that happens when we lament that there are no guys out there.
  • “Empathize with your brothers that they are struggling too.”
  • Around 10% of women ask men out every year—they want to be pursued!

How can you have a healthy dynamic in a male/female friendship?

  • Friendship is possible, but it’s important to ask yourself and the other person what friendship really means.
  • “If you say, ‘I want to be friends,’ but any other person’s presence makes you feel threatened… you don’t want to be friends. You want possession.”
  • Long term, is it worth spending all of your energy on male friendships? When you get married, would you husband be comfortable with them around?
  • Are we too busy getting all of our micro-needs met by several guy friends to have our needs met by one romantic partner?
  • “Decoupling commitment and sex damaged both. We lost both.”

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

XO,

Kat

May 28, 2019
How To Let Him Know You’re Interested Without Feeling Like You’re Taking The Reigns. The Dudes Series #2 with Jarod Nickerson
01:03:41

Next up in the Dude’s Podcast Series is: Jarod Nickerson. If you missed the last episode, be sure + check out my interview with Jamal Miller:  The #1 Reason He Isn’t Asking You Out (pssst…it’s not what you think).

 

Let’s jump in! Jarod was full of insight, and mic drop moments as we navigated through your top questions on men, singleness, and relationships:

 

  1. Do guys know when a girl has a crush on them?
  • Every guy is different, but Jarod mentions that it is possible to be unaware when a girl has a crush. 

 

  1. Do guys develop attraction over time or does it have to be there from the get-go?
  • A lot of the time, attraction will be there from the start, but it’s possible for the attraction to develop as they get to know a girl.
  • “If someone puts you in the friendzone, don’t try to get out of it—move on.”

 

  1. Which do you value more: respect or love?
  • Love and respect go hand in hand—it’s pretty impossible to not respect someone you love.

 

  1. How do I know if he likes me?
  • There are a lot of things to consider: Are they aware of themselves? Are they playing it cool because they’re worried about it going wrong?

 

  1. Is it true that if he’s interested, he’ll pursue/do whatever it takes to make it happen? 
  • A guy will pursue and do whatever it takes to make it happen until it’s clear she does not want to pursue anything. 

 

  1. Do you think guys + girls can be just friends?  
  • Jarod believes it is possible but knows there can be confusion for some friendships. It all comes down to being transparent and honest.

 

 

  1. How can I let him know I’m interested in more than just friends w/o being too aggressive/forward?
  • Confidence is sexy and honesty is important. Let it out, but don’t hang on it.
  • “If someone can’t handle you being real and honest with them, then they’re probably not someone who is always going to be calling you up and out for the rest of your life.”

 

  1. Would you date a woman that doesn’t share your worldview/faith?  
  • Jarod says no, in short. He is Christian and would need someone who shares his worldview.

 

  1. Are you intimidated by a woman w a successful career?
  • He wants the answer to be no, but the honest answer is “probably.”
  • The time when it can feel most intimidating is at the start of a relationship, but he would definitely still ask her out.

 

  1. 10.What’s something that women do that feels emasculating?
  • Distrust and not supporting his future would be devastating.
  • “Everything magical lies outside of your comfort zone.”

 

  1. 11.What’s something a woman can do to honor you/makes you feel like a man?
  • Belief—everyone loves to have someone believe in them.
  • Luke Stafford— @itslukestafford (he’s single, ladies!) is a friend who calls him out and he is grateful for it.

 

  1. 12.What are you looking for in a relationship/partner?
  • “I’m looking for someone who is going to challenge me, push me, and believe in me. I don’t want just a cheerleader.”

 

  1. 13.Why do you think a lot of guys don’t want to date within their own community i.e. church?
  • He notes the challenges that arise when there is close proximity in this way. If it doesn’t work out—a guy doesn’t want that ‘Scarlett letter.’
  • Don’t let fear be motivating any of your decisions in relationships.

 

  1. 14.Where are all the single godly men—do you think there are more single than women, or does it just seem like that?
  • “Put your eyes on what has been set before and it will be one of those moments of synchronicity.”
  • The question is rooted in fear.
  • “Ask the Lord to quiet your mind and ask Him to speak.”

 

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtipsto check it out! With you on the journey.

 

May 23, 2019
The #1 Reason He's Not Asking You Out (it's not what you think) The Dudes Series #1 with Jamal Miller
48:03

I’m so excited to launch this Podcast Series.  For several months now, I’ve been working behind-the-scenes with incredible, godly men all over the United States.  I slid into DMs to BEG…I mean ask legit men to be on my podcast.  All for you ladies…that’s how much I care about y’all!  Why did I do that?  Because, I’ve been compiling the top questions you send me about men and dating for over a year now.  Everything from:  where are all the single men to does he know if I have a crush on him…and everything in-between.

 

I figured I could answer them.  But heck…why not go straight to the source, and ask the men!  So that’s what I did.  For the next month, I will be rolling out a series of interviews that I hosted with some of the most solid married and single godly men in the US.  So, get your notepads out ladies.  We’re having some #REALTALK.

 

First up, mogul, entrepreneur, and pastor: Jamal Miller.  Jamal is husband to Natasha, father of two daughters, CEO of @millermediagroup, founder of @marriedandyoung, and online campus pastor at All Nations Chicago. Today, he’s answering some of your top questions about dating. We talk about how he’s an advocate for sliding into those DMs, can guys and girls really be friends, and the number one reason that guy is not asking you out.

 

From DMs to Real Life

  • Jamal wanted a really special love story, but the way it happened for them was through Facebook. He saw her and slid into her DMs after he saw she loved God.
  • After getting clear on his intentions and discussing the situation with his pastor, he messaged her asking to take it to the next step—a phone call.
  • After this went well, they met in person and eventually met each other’s families and were engaged after six months.

 

Divorce the Person in Your Head

  • When you’re single, you have this image in your head of the person you’re ‘supposed to’ be with. When you’re in a relationship, you have to get rid of that image.
  • We can get stuck in not feeling connection with those who feel familiar.
  • “Your feelings don’t know your future.”

 

Friend Zone v Danger Zone

  • Men and women can be friends, but they can’t be best friends. Once you become best friends, that can become the danger zone. Get clear on the potential in the future of the relationship.
  • “Friendship is a breeding ground for marriage.”
  • Everyone fears rejection, so they feel things out before they communicate their intentions—but it’s important to get clear on intentions early on.
  • “If you’re going to be a bad friend, you’re going to be a bad spouse.”

 

Give Him a Nudge

  • Guys can be insecure and not all of them are comfortable pursuing.
  • Help each other—don’t be afraid to nudge a guy and let him know you are interested in being pursued.
  • Don’t let a timid guy be a deal breaker. Be willing to create the space to allow him to pursue.
  • We’re all afraid of rejection—starting these conversations online can help.
  • Pray for mentors in the lives of men to lift them up—those are future husbands. 

 

How to Be Part of the Solution

  • Take responsibility as a woman and fight for the men in your life.
  • Instead of complaining and lamenting—pray for him.

 

Keep up with Jamal on Instagram at @jamalmiller and his wife, Natasha, at @natashaannmiller

 

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

 

Hey, single ladies— Has Christian Dating felt like a #STRUGGLEFEST?  Girl...I get it.  But it doesn't have to be. This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdatingtips to check it out! With you on the journey.

May 22, 2019
How to Find Beauty in the Midst of Pain
15:34

We all want the same thing:  to feel loved, known, seen, accepted.  Even so, we've somehow become the greatest of pretenders believing we're only worthy of those things if we're PERFECT, have it altogether, fit within the mold.

We walk around with this "I'M FINE," mentality.  Everybody is 'fine' with their shiny masks covering their pain.

When did we become so good at hiding?

When did we become so good at pretending?

Why do we think we're only worthy of love when and if we're perfect?

Why do we hide our pain and brokenness when it's one of the most common of human experiences?

We build walls to protect ourselves only to end up in more pain than before as the isolation traps the broken pieces of our lives.

And it's exhausting.

There’s something endearing being around small children—they don’t know they’re supposed to hide their pain…they cry—they want you to kiss it better—and then they run off and play again.

But at some point we learn to hide…and we become really good at it.

We get kicked and shoved around by life—we get the snot kicked out of us a few times…

so we build walls to protect ourselves. 

We hide our pain—because pain means weakness—we don’t know who is safe + who isn’t to truly let our guards down with

EVERYONE IS WALKING AROUND LIKE THEY’RE FINE + on the inside:  crippled with fear, battling depression, eating disorders, pornography addictions, self-hatred, 

And it’s exhausting

and lonely…

 

What if we chose to remove the masks and invite others into our pain?

There's something distinct that happens to us and in us when we experience heartache.  When life hits us like a ton of bricks and everything falls to pieces.

Somehow it's in those grey areas of our lives that we find unexpected beauty, comfort, rest--it's counter intuitive and it doesn't make sense.

What if the existence of brokenness meant that our story isn't over yet?

What if we believed pain doesn't have the last word?

What if we removed our masks and invited love, hope, community into those painful areas of our lives?

I think we'd be shocked at the redemption we'd discovered.

Because something transformative happens in the breaking, and it's in the rebuilding that we experience inexplicable beauty.

With you on the journey,

Kat Harris 

Brokenness means the story uint over

May 16, 2019
How to Praise Before Our Breakthrough
41:23

Is your dream too big for you?

It better be, because that will force you to pray circles around it.  If you keep circling it in prayer, God will get bigger and bigger until you see your impossible prayer for what is really is: an easy answer for an almighty God.

-Mark Batterson

Last week in worship, I just sat down and started thanking God like I had never done so before for all the impossible things in my life. I praised Him like the breakthroughs had already come. I thanked God for my husband, our Godly marriage, my financial breakthrough, and restoration in my family.

If there was any person that needed a miracle; it was this woman…

Hannah in Samuel 1 was a woman who married to a man named Elkanah. At this time, a woman’s purpose was marriage and motherhood, particularly motherhood to boys. She felt such shame for not being successful in having kids. She was so depressed she would not eat. Elkanah was determined to fix her and reminded her that his love can be enough.

When Hannah went to the temple for the annual sacrifice, she was distressed and wept with her face on the floor. She was crying out for her breakthrough. The priest, Eli, comes to her and says she is crazy and drunk. She stands up for herself, stands up for her faith, and stands up for her breakthrough.

God softens Eli’s heart and he blesses peace over her. Her prayer isn’t answered, but her depression lifts in these moments. God answered her prayer, but it didn’t happen overnight. It came in due time. She had a son and named him Samuel. The biggest miracle was one child—Hannah ended her life with six.

Because God is ABLE

  • Daniel 3:17-18—If this be so our God whom we serve is Abel to deliver us from the burning fiery furance, and he will deliver us out of your hand, O king.  But if not, be it known to you, O King, that we will not serve your gods or worship that golden image that you have set up

It reorients my affections on who God is

  • Isaiah 43:19—I make streams in the desert.
  • When there is no way, God makes a way.
  • God is bigger than my circumstances—statistics are nothing for Him. Nothing is impossible to Him.

It keeps me dependent on him

  • We live in a culture that says I am the captain of my own ship.  And yes, I believe we have way more power and authority that so many people of faith think they have access to.  But I also believe that I need someone bigger than me, to come into my life and circumstances to restore.

It allows me to stay connected to hope + gratitude

  • Romans 5:5 says hope does not put us to shame.
  • What if we hoped and prayed and believed for miracles, breakthroughs, and the impossible like we had NO SHAME!? Trusting that even if/when God doesn’t answer our prayer how we want him to—that He works all things together for the good of those who love him (Romans 8:28) and that even what the enemy meant for evil, God is going to use for good (Genesis 50:20).

God gets the credit + glory 

  • My biggest dreams are small to God—He breathed life into creation.
  • Ephesians 3:20 says now to Him who is able to do abundantly more than we could ask or imagine, according to his power at work within us, to him be the glory.

What is that thing that feels too risky to hope for because you’ve been disappointed in the past? Do you have the audacity to praise before the breakthrough?

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

 

XO,

Kat

 

May 09, 2019
Do I Have An Eating Disorder?
49:37

I wish we would have this conversation sitting on the couch looking eye to eye because today I’m talking about something really vulnerable that I have rarely discussed publicly. When we are neck deep in a struggle, we want the get healed quick miracle process… but healing doesn’t work that way and this episode is not that quick fix. I’m here to share my experience with having an eating disorder and show you that freedom is possible and there are tools to reach freedom.

I have received so many DMs from people all over the world asking for me to talk about this. I believe freedom is possible for you. I believe God has more freedom than you could possibly imagine. But there is no quick fix to freedom. It takes work, discipline, courage, honesty, and the willingness to fail and fall over and over and over again. However, if we are brave enough—we will use those fumbles as our greatest teachers.

“This is especially true of people who rumble with failure. These are people who choose courage over comfort, accountability over blame, and are able to embed key learnings from failures into their lives.” — Brene Brown

All throughout high school, I was an athlete and I was so focused on training to be a D1 athlete that I didn’t stop to worry about body image. However, once I got to college as a D1 tennis player, I noticed the body dysmorphia in my fellow athletes with whom I spent all of my time. I didn’t get it—but slowly their disfunction rubbed off on me.

Almost overnight, food was my main thought. Our coach had us do weigh ins every week and keep daily food journals. One day after practice, my friends and I ate a lot of food. One girl suggested we go throw up our food, so we went behind the dumpsters outside our dorm and she taught us how to throw up our food.

I continued to do this for once or twice a week and I felt guilty about it and honestly I was bad at it. I stopped throwing up my food, but I would binge eat and count calories to make sure I could burn off all of them afterwards. As a collegiate athlete, I was already working out 6 hours a day, but I would work out even more on top of that.

Fast forward, I ultimately quit tennis for a lot of reasons. I thought the eating disorder would just dissolve because of this, but my relationship with food remained the same. It was then that I realized I had a problem and I did not want to wait to reach my rock bottom before I sought help.

Admit You Have a Problem

The cliché is true—the first step is admitting you have a problem. I remember my “aha!” moment clearly, but it didn’t change my relationship with food.

Pause—Identify Your Triggers in the Moment

I had to pause to take note of what would come up for me every time I would binge. Why did I do that? What led to this? A friend introduced me to “HALT” – was I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Where in your life are you feeling a loss of control? What are you not wanting to feel? Often we inflict pain on ourselves because it’s easier to pinpoint—I feel pain because I ripped that hang nail off + now I’m bleeding as opposed to digging into the dark, murky, cold, waters of my past. 

Refuse to Demonize Food

Do you ever shame your body with friends and then all of a sudden you’re all just self-shaming Mean Girls-style? When I moved to Los Angeles, the women I lived with decided that none of us were allowed to body shame or demonize food. Friends, we were built for community.

Healing is NOT Linear, But Healing is Possible

The healing process is slow, it takes community, and it is not linear. We have to praise the progress instead of focusing on failures and dig into the root of our problems. Never rule out therapy, 12-step programs, or inpatient/outpatient programs. Even if you have to put your life on pause for a year—investing in your well-being is the best thing you can do with your time and money.

Today, I have learned to listen to and honor my body when it comes to working out and when it comes to eating. When I reach for a donut, I know that I an eating it because I feel like eating it and not because I want to numb out.

“She had not known the weight until she felt the freedom” — The Scarlet Letter

Being obsessed with food is not normal.  Not being able to eat without counting calories or mentally noting how much you’ll have to work out later is dysfunctional.  Throwing up your food and starving yourself is bondage.  Pretending like it’s not a problem is insane.

There is freedom for you.

More than you can possibly imagine.

You won’t know how much the weight of this bondage is crushing you until you start stepping towards freedom + I promise you it’s worth the work; it’s worth bringing to light; and it’s worth fighting for…because you are worth it.

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

XO,

Kat Harris

May 02, 2019
How to be 100% in Your Worth
52:26

Have you ever heard of manifesting? It is rooted in science and psychology, but is also mixed with the spiritual. Have you ever tried it? Well, this week’s guest is a manifestation adviser. And if you’re thinking ‘Is it possible to manifest the relationship I want?’ the answer is YES! Lacy Phillips talks with me all about subconscious blocks, manifesting what we want, and growing our self-worth.

“Our thoughts don’t create our reality, our subconscious beliefs do.”

Lacy talks about the four things deep down inside of her that make up her authentic code of who she is. It’s different for everybody, but hers is: luxury, being seen, self-care, and legacy. Everybody has a unique authentic code and getting clear on what those four things are will help you to manifest more clearly.

“Figure out who you are and refine it.”

She encourages everyone to really reflect on what they truly want in order to be happy rather than what all of the societal groups they are in tell them they need in order to be happy.

“What lights me up?”

Lacy recognizes that manifesting isn’t just about getting the end result that we really want. 

“When you get ‘the thing,’ you’re not going to be happy. It’s when you peel away the layers to see what lights you up how you can be totally whole and authentically worthy that a) you will get ‘the thing’ and b) you will already be happy. All of that will just be an enhancement.”

What blocks you from the relationships you want?

Lacy explains that this all comes down to our self-worth. People look to partners to treat as idols, yet many people treat themselves as unworthy. Maybe this is rooted from childhood family dynamics or physical insecurities. These subconscious blocks need to be addressed before you can manifest the relationship you want.

How to be 100% in your worth

Most people on a conscious level recognize they have self-worth, but if you go down onto a subconscious and hypnotic level, the limiting beliefs come out and contradict that. That block needs to be removed. From there, the limiting beliefs can be addressed.

“Whatever you’re looking for starts to show up repeatedly when you grow your worth.”

After growing in self-worth, a person will notice that their potential partners will appear as ‘tests’ to them. When you are more in tune with yourself, you’ll notice those red flags in others and will not pursue relationships with those people. Then, you’re leaving space for the right person to enter your life.

“We need to get into the place where we never undervalue our wants and needs.”

Keep up with Lacy on Instagram at @tobemagnetic and her website tobemagnetic.com. She’ll be launching a retreat soon called @theforestretreat. She also has a podcast that releases a new episode each Friday called Expanded with Lacy Phillips

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

Apr 24, 2019
How to Confront Hard Truth in a "My Truth" Culture with Grace, Humility + a Little Sass
57:48

You guys—I slid into Cavanaugh James’s DMs and now he’s on the podcast—the power of Instagram!! You probably know him from his incredible Instagram videos. In one video he made up a song about the real reason he goes to parties and I have never felt so seen. (I may or may not have gotten him to sing it on the podcast!!). He also recently released his book, “Higher Power Has A Name.” We got to chat about faith, loving others well, and confronting hard truth in a “my truth” culture with grace, humility, and a little sass.

Finding His Platform

  • He discusses where those IG videos began. “I started doing them just out of boredom and irritation for bad Christian comedy.”
  • He talks about how it took him a while to feel comfortable in his skin. Now, he’s not afraid to laugh at his own jokes.
  • He moved to LA in 2015 to join the Groundlings improv program. He noticed that scenes would quickly turn dirty or perverse. He wanted to be funny without falling into that.
  • “I had a bone to pick with darkness.”
  • He wanted his comedy to be uplifting rather than divisive.

Holding Faith

  • Cavanaugh talks about living his life fully with others who don’t share his faith.
  • His faith is born out of relationships and friendships. He reflects on being lonely until he went to college and started meeting new people.
  • “I don’t change in whatever environment I’m in.”
  • “I’m not about trying to change people’s minds—I’m trying to love.”
  • He doesn’t tone down his beliefs and he doesn’t expect others to either.
  • “We’re called to actually walk in hand with other people.”

 Loving Others

  • “We’re supposed to be loving people and letting the Lord do the rest.”
  • He talks about loving others without an agenda.
  • “A big chunk of why there is such a divide between mainstream culture and the church is the agenda of the church.”
  • He challenges others to think about the golden rule—how would we feel if we were in a certain situation.
  • “How would I receive it? What is the way I could hear this that I would know that I am loved?”
  • We discuss enneagrams, of course, and talk about the price we pay for wanting to be right all the time.
  • “There is no reason- not one- for someone to walk through this life feeling alone.”

 Keep up with Cavanaugh on Instagram at @cavanaughjames and his website CavanaughJames.com. (P.S. You should buy his book!)

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

XO,

Kat Harris

Apr 16, 2019
How to Date Intentionally + Pursue Creatively with Audrey Roloff
52:49

This week, Audrey Roloff is on the podcast! She just released a book with her husband, Jeremy Roloff, called “A Love Letter Life:  Pursue Creatively, Date Intentionally, Love Faithfully” and it is number two on Amazon! (Buy it here!!) But it didn’t happen overnight. Writing their book was a two-year process.

Co-Authoring With A Spouse

  • Audrey is an Enneagram 8 (Challenger) & Jeremy is an Enneagram 9 (Peacemaker).
  • “No two numbers are compatible because no to two humans are compatible—we complement each other and we refine each other, but we are not compatible.”
  • While Audrey had a tendency to think everything was urgent, Jeremy kept them grounded and reminded her that not everything was the end of the world.
  • “We have learned to recognize our differences as gifts that we get to bring to each other”

The Way They Met

  • The two were set up on a blind date by friends. They thought their friends were crazy because they were fresh out of relationships. But their friends were adamant.
  • They were fascinated by each other as human beings, but “It was not this sparks flying kind of a night.”
  • They remained friends for two whole years. Then, 10 days before Jeremy left for film and photography school, they decided to start dating.
  • Jeremy had a very public life on the TLC show “Little People, Big World.” But since their relationship had to be long distance for so long, they were able to keep it out of the public eye. Their book is the story that was never shared during that time.
  • One month after graduation, they got married.

The Patient Pursuit

  • They were in seasons of personal growth when they met—and they were young! Audrey was not looking for a boyfriend, but Jeremy realized a week after they met that they wanted more.
  • They refer to the next two years as the “patient pursuit.” Jeremy wasn’t aggressive about it, but he remained in her life as a friend.
  • They wanted time to get to know each other and become friends without the added confusion of physical intimacy.
  • As a result, their relationship was built on patience, beauty, effort, and intention.
  • “Stop settling for convenient relationships—relationships aren’t convenient.”
  • Audrey recognizes that relationships are about breaking down the walls around you and learning to build new ones around your relationship.

Lessons Learned

  • Through their long distance relationship, they realized the importance of overcommunicating and being creative in how they loved each other. Audrey believes navigating this time is what set them up for marriage.
  • They don’t claim to be marriage experts. “We wanted to write this book while being in the same season as the person we are writing to.”
  • Social media is limited, and they wanted to share more than just their highlight reel.

Advice For The Woman Who Thinks There Are No Guys Out There:

  • “If you believe the lie that ‘there are no guys out there for me,’ then you’re going to live that lie.”
  • Reach out to friends who know you, love you and trust you—ask them to set you up!
  • “You can’t help who you fall in love with, but you can help who you spend time with.”

How To Date Intentionally

  • Pursue friendship—be a good friend to the person you are dating.
  • Ask hard questions—it’s easy to get lost in a cloud of feelings. Do you know about their upbringing? The way they handle conflict? Momentary honesty might sting, but long-term lies are infectious.”
  • She recognizes that getting everything out in the open is key. “Illuminate our past in order to imagine for our future.”
  • Live our lives more—look up from our phones and be present with everyone. “You may have met your husband, but you were on the phone.”

Keep up with Audrey on Instagram at @audreyroloff, her and Jeremy’s website TheRoloffs.com, and their podcast Behind the Scenes.

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search “The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

 

XO,

Kat

 

Apr 10, 2019
The Top 5 Self Care Practices that Cost You Nothing!
37:00

Another week, another episode recorded from my Brooklyn closet. This week, I wanted to talk with you about self-care.  I used to think self-care meant spending a ton of money on massages, weekend getaways, and manicures…But some of the most beneficial self-care rhythms I’ve implemented in my life over the last few years have been completely free.

  1. Sleep
  • Studies have shown that sleep deprivation can be linked to weight gain, high blood pressure, comprised immune system, memory loss, and type 2 diabetes. 
  • Now I am committed to sleeping at least seven hours a night. And I’ve noticed I have more consistent energy and focus throughout the day, and am less foggy headed.
  1. Be mindful of alcohol + caffeine consumption
  • Even though alcohol is a depressant, it spikes our heart rates and can cause poor sleep. To fix this, we often turn to caffeine which jolts our system again.
  • im not going to sit here + tell you to stop drinking both cold turkey—but I’d say pause + think about your relationship with both alcohol + coffee.
  1. Quiet Time
  • I was in a bad habit of checking email and social media before I got out of bed. This started my day off with stress and anxiety.
  • Now, I allow an hour for this each morning, and I soak up every moment. If you’re new to this, try sitting quietly in a comfortable place for 15 minutes before your day gets started.
  1. Meal Prep
  • Before, I’d find myself running from one thing to the next. I’d blink and realize it was 3:00 p.m. and that I hadn’t eaten since breakfast.
  • I’m no chef — I make things simple and easy. But having meals ready that I can grab and take with me helps prevent me from headaches, making less healthy choices, and maybe the worst symptom of all: being hangry.
  1. Rest
  • I had to let go of FOMO and trust that creating space in my life to rest was setting me up for success to be more present throughout the rest of my week.

Do you feel exhausted or stuck too? Girl, I get it! I challenge you to practice these four things for the next month. I’m living proof that it’s possible to create new rhythms. It’s all about starting slow with small decisions, being patient, and committing to the process!

Have some thoughts on self care? Let’s start a dialogue! (Even if you don’t agree with me!) Share your thoughts on IG and tag us! Did you know that outside of @therefinedwoman Instagram account, we also have an account for the podcast? It’s under @therefinedcollective. So head over to Instagram to see all things podcast related.

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

 

XO,

Kat 

Mar 27, 2019
The Top 10 Dating Hacks from The Bachelor
38:37

Warning: this is spoiler alert city for the season finale of The Bachelor. This week, I’m talking about all of the lessons I learned from The Bachelor. If you don’t watch the show, that’s totally fine. This is not a gossip fest or tearing down other women—I am not here to make anyone right or wrong. This is just me talking about common dating mistakes and dating principles.

 

1. Integrity is KEY.

What’s word on the street about the person you're dating?  If there’s a general consensus about this person, maybe bring it up to them so you can clear the air.

 

2. Timing is EVERYTHING.

You can meet the right person, but if it’s the wrong timing or either of you aren’t ready… it won’t work!

 

3. When a guy is into you, he will move mountains to be with you (or jump an 8-foot fence).

Colton was all in with Cassie, and was willing to do whatever it took to prove to Cassie his commitment--even jump an 8-foot fence.

4. LISTEN to what he’s saying.

We often hear what we want to hear, as opposed to taking what a person is saying at face value.  If a guy is telling you he’s not ready for a relationship, then he’s not ready for a relationship.

5. Be willing to be honest (‘I don’t know’ is not an answer).

Whenever Colton would ask Cassie questions about why she felt not quite ready, her answer was always ‘I don’t know.’ Granted sometimes we actually don’t know, but it usually means we just haven’t done the internal work, or are afraid of admitting to ourselves and the other person for fear of rejection.

 

6. Every opportunity is an opportunity to grow if we choose it to be.

Alabama Hannah (the next bachelorette) was one of this seasons instigators and DRAMA queens.  However, during the tell-all, she owned her behavior, acknowledged how disappointed she was with herself, made amends publicly and privately with some of the girls.  Instead of being defensive, she owned up to her faults, and used it as an opportunity to grow.

 

7. Rejection is protection.

All the girls want to know when they get sent home is ‘why am I not enough?’ and ‘what could I have done differently?’ And it makes me so sad, because it has nothing to do with them! Rejection isn’t a personal attack on you, sometimes you’re just not their person.  Their no, is for your greater good.

 

8. Know what you want.

Knowing what I want in the future helps me walk out the president with clarity, intention, and integrity. It’s okay to change your mind—you don’t owe the guy anything. But if someone walks onto this show unsure if they are ready for or even want marriage, then they are probably shouldn't be on the show.

 

9. Hannah G.

On the women tell all, she said ‘I deserve a man who is willing to jump the fence with me.’ Which is what Colton did when Cassie was breaking up with him. She saw this and really realized that he just wasn’t as into her.  We are all worth a guy going to great lengths to fight for us.  

 

10. Stay classy.

Ladies, let’s just stay classy. I learned this from Queen Tayshia. At every turn, she chose to take the high road, even when Colton was breaking up with her. She could have been defensive and angry, but she realized that it was about his heart being somewhere else. Yeah, I love to have the last word, but that does not serve me or the other person.

 

Have some thoughts on The Bachelor? Let’s start a dialogue! (Even if you don’t agree with me!) Share your thoughts on IG and tag us! Did you know that outside of @therefinedwoman Instagram account, we also have an account for the podcast? It’s under @therefinedcollective. So head over to Instagram to see all things podcast related.

 

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

Mar 20, 2019
How to Online Date Like a Boss
33:56

 

This week I’m chatting with Kait Warman of Heart of Dating—our first repeat guest!! She’s based in LA so we are long-distance gal pals encouraging each other on our journey of singleness. Today, we’re diving into online dating. Kait sets you up with her top online dating tips (and even shares her favorite app). Make sure you tune into her podcast this week to hear me share my tips for online dating! We may or may not break out into song…

Why online dating?

  • Some people think online dating isn’t Godly dating, but God works in all ways.
  • We have to be active in dating. She references a book called “How To Get A Date Worth Keeping” by Henry Cloud, saying “Unless we expect to marry the Amazon delivery guy, God is not dropping a guy on our doorstep.”
  • Worried about sketchy guys? It’s just like the real world. You’ll find some weirdos, but there are also some really great guys on there.

What are the best photos to use?

  • Make sure you’re sharing not just your face, but your personality.
  • Don’t make every photo a mirror selfie, make sure you’re switching things up so that every photo is there for a purpose.
  • At least one photo should be fairly close and very clear so that they know what you actually look like. And throw in a full body photo too!

When is it time to take it from online to real life?

  • Find something you have in common through asking questions. For example, Kait knows that an extreme sports guy is not the right one for her.
  • Make sure you share a core value. Kait always like to know the guy loves Jesus before she goes out with him. She puts it clearly on her profile and if they ignore that, she considers it to be a red flag.
  • A good question to ask is “What are your top 3 things to do over the weekend?” That gives him a chance to share his hobbies as well as if he goes to church.

Top 3 Online Dating Tips:

  • Be patient and open-minded. If you are in the mindset that online dating is awful, then you are going to have an awful experience.
  • Be specific with your questioning and know what you’re looking for—you don’t want to go in blind!
  • Know when to take a break. If you’ve been on for a while and are feeling run down and rejected, step away from it until you feel ready again. Keep your boundaries clear; the apps will always be there.

Kait’s favorite dating app?

  • Hinge! It has changed over the years, and now it lets you answer questions about yourself and set religious specifications.

Final dating advice?

“See the process of dating as an amazing means to meet different people.”

Keep up with Kait at Heart of Dating and @heartofdating. You can connect with her personally on Instagram at @kaitness.

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective' on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Did you know that outside of @therefinedwoman Instagram account, we also have an account for the podcast? It’s under @therefinedcollective. So head over to Instagram to see all things podcast related.

P.S. If you want to continue the conversation in a more private setting, join my Private TRW Single Ladies Community!

XO,

Kat

Mar 12, 2019
How to Put Yourself Out There and Still Be Pursued
26:22

 

Coming at you with another solo episode recorded from my closet!

One of the number one questions I get is “How do I put myself out there when I want to be pursued?” And I totally get it. I am the type of person who wants to be pursued.

A few years ago, I was dating a guy that I really liked. He asked me out for a date one day and I had a photoshoot I couldn’t reschedule. After a few days, I hadn’t heard from him, so I spiraled. My inner thoughts were ‘I guess we’re done now.’

But then my friend helped me realize… he was always the one initiating every conversation and date. How was he supposed to know that I wanted to go on more dates with him if I don’t communicate with him? Men cannot read our minds, ladies!

It feels safe to be pursued. My guarded heart only wanted him to know I liked him if I 100% knew it was going to be reciprocated. I was terrified of getting hurt.

Here are some ways you can actively put yourself out there:

 

  1. Communicate your needs

One of my friends came home from an online date so put out about the restaurant her date took her to.  Here’s the thing though:  she didn’t tell him she didn’t want to go there.  He picked it out, ran it by her, and she said nothing.  She didn’t want to be too much.  And shouldn’t he know that’s a crappy restaurant—and if he doesn’t, clearly he has bad taste.  She punished him for not reading her mind.  That’s not fair.  Ladies, you have the permission to communicate your wants and needs.  Let’s reject the lie that we’re not enough and too much all at the same time.  It keeps us small and stuck.  If a guy is so easily spooked by you letting your desires be known, then he is no man for you.  Let’s also stop setting men up for failure by expecting them to be mind readers.  Communicating what you want is not pursuing.  It’s giving you the opportunity to be true to yourself, while also creating an opportunity to let your guy know where you stand.  He then has the option to lean into that or not.  By communicating your needs you’re creating vulnerability, honesty, and an invitation.  And that is way different that a demand. 

 

  1. Be curious

Who doesn’t like talking about themselves?  I know I do.  Allow yourself to be curious to get to know the person you’re interested in.  Asking questions and getting to know him is very low stakes.  Then the next time you see him you can ask, “Hey, how’s that thing going”.  It shows you’re listening, and you care about him.  He was on your mind.  It’s also incredibly easy to practice.  I used to be so scared of rejection that doing this felt like I might as well be walking up naked to a guy proposing.  It doesn’t have to be this way. At all.  Plus, who cares if he thinks you like him.  You do, don’t you? Even if the feelings aren’t reciprocated, like my bestie says, “No one has a bad day when they find out someone has a crush on them”.

 

  1. Create space

I talk to so many baffled single women.  After spending a few minutes chatting about their day-to-day lives; it’s no wonder they’re not dating.  Every night of the week is spent either at home watching The Bachelor (hey…I love the Bachelor), having a girls night, or going out with the girls.  Your man is not gonna magically appear on your doorstep friend.  You gotta get out there.  And do you know just how intimidating it is for a man to come up to a group of women out at a bar?  If you do go out with the girls, split up.  Or be each others cheerleaders as you take turns going and saying hello to somebody interesting.  We create space in our lives for the things we value.  Part of putting yourself out there is creating space for interactions with single men. 

 

Tell me, friend. Why aren’t you putting yourself out there? Are you hiding behind a fear of failure? Rejection? Getting out of your comfort zone? For more on how to put yourself out there, check out 5 Ways to Put Yourself Out There and Still Be Pursued. Head over to Instagram to share your answers—be sure to tag @therefinedwoman and @therefinedcollective. If you want to continue the conversation in a more private setting, join my Private TRW Single Ladies Community!

 

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

XO,

Kat

 

Mar 06, 2019
Saying Goodbye to Fear
19:01

Hey there, friends! I’m here today with a solo episode of The Refined Collective!. Let me know what you think of solo episodes and be sure to DM @therefinedwoman if you have specific topics you want me to talk about!

Yoga is constantly a metaphor for my life. How I show up on my yoga mat is how I show up in all other areas of life. Recently, I was sitting in a yoga class and I have to say I was feeling good about my performance that day.

The beautiful thing about yoga is that in any given class there are students who are trying yoga for the first time and students who have practiced yoga every day of their lives. There are advanced versions and beginner versions of every pose.

We got to a particular posture and I found my limit for the posture. But then I heard my yoga instructor’s voice right in my ear: “C’mon. Let’s go. Go further.” I shook my head no. He doesn’t know my body’s limits—I do. But he insisted.

I trusted myself and pushed further. I thought, “Wow, I’m stronger than I thought.” As he walked away he said, “Why are you holding yourself back?” By the end of class, he had encouraged me to push my limits two more times. And he was right every single time. “Why are you playing so small? You’re stronger than you think.”

Nobody in that class was telling me where to stop in a pose—I wasn’t being limited by anyone but myself. This leader had the audacity to point out that I was playing small. You need people in your life to drag you out of your comfort zone, even if it makes you angry in the moment.

“No one is telling me no but myself.”

If you’re going to make progress in areas of your life, you have to ask yourself ‘Why am I holding myself back?’

A few years ago, I took on the challenge of memorizing a long poem and performing it at a large event in New York City. I had memorized this poem so well, I knew it like the back of my hand.

The night of the event, I get halfway through the spoken word and freeze. I could feel my palms start to sweat. I started from the beginning… and it happened a second time. I stood there deciding if I should just run out of the building and never look back. Finally, one of the lines came back to me and I just picked up from that line and finished the spoken word.

After I finished, I felt so embarrassed. I thought I would never be invited anywhere as a speaker every again. I wanted to rush out, but I was the host of the event.

Over the course of the night, people came up to me and said how much they loved the spoken word. I expressed to every single one of those people that I messed up.

My best friend had to take me aside and remind me that nobody noticed I made a mistake, and if they did—they didn’t care.

Fear has as much power as we choose to give it. After I moved through this experience, I decided I would book two speaking events where I would perform this spoken word.

Fear doesn’t have the final say. It’s possible to acknowledge the fear we have and our past while not letting it be in the driver’s seat of our lives.

You are called to a purpose. But you have to say goodbye to the fear.

You can go further than you think.

Thank you so much for listening to the podcast and being part of this community! If you enjoy listening, I want to invite you to subscribe to us on iTunes and rate and review us. Search ‘The Refined Collective” on the purple podcast app on your phone. Share your review on IG stories + tag us so we can show you some love!

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

 

XO,

Kat

Feb 27, 2019
Wait, Pray, Love with Jessica Shakir
54:59

Jessica Shakir is a motivational speaker, celebrity hair and makeup artist, and beauty expert. Her passion is to help you use your voice to unveil truth and beauty. She is a dear friend of mine and we recently got to get together at my apartment to have some fun photoshoots and sit down and chat for the podcast. We talk about waiting for marriage, waiting for love, and praying to God.

Praying for Others

  • Jessica and I are both prayer warriors, praying for others, praying for celebrities.
  • She reflects on her experience working with Eminem, who was thoughtful and engaging the entire time they worked together.
  • “Lord, anoint the works of my hands. Help me to be a light, help me to reflect your love, even without having to say anything about the Bible or Jesus.”
  • As she was praying this before walking into her job, she remembered that she had been praying for Eminem for five years before the job. Her friend had asked her to.
  • “I wasn’t in the habit of praying for people I didn’t know.”
  • She began to pray for him every time she heard his music, praying that God would send the right people into his life to point him to Heaven.
  • “God used me to answer my own prayer.”
  • She remembers at the end of the job telling him “God bless you.” He was taken aback. He thanked her sincerely and said, “God bless you, too.”

Prayer + Love

  • She reflects on her wedding day and her vows to her husband, “It was an honor to wait for you, Vincent.”
  • “In that moment, I thought, “Dang, I wish I could delete all the times I compromised… I wish I could delete all the times I didn’t trust God more.”
  • She talks about her experience as a woman who waited to have sex until she was married at 36 years old. “It was powerfully intimate and wildly free.”
  • Though she was a virgin on her wedding day, she still experienced shame.
  • “My biggest regret is not trusting God more.”
  • She and her husband decided to not even share a single kiss until they were engaged. “It made every touch so magical and meaningful.”
  • They met at a Super Bowl party and once she found out he loves Jesus, she started crushing hard.
  • “I knew he would be in my life forever and somehow he would change it.” Seven months later, they were engaged.

A Season of Waiting

  • She recognizes that the time of waiting can be the perfect time to group in your faith.
  • “The only reason I can be this happily engaged is because first I was happily single.”
  • She recognizes all of the personal growth that she experienced during her waiting and how it all led her to where she is now.
  • “Every chance I got, I chose to feed my hope.”
  • She recognizes that you have to build muscles of integrity and waiting. “You can’t build muscle without pushback and rest.”
  • We share how we both spent time journaling and writing to our future husbands.

Jessica reflects Heaven to me and I just feel brighter after talking with her. I hope you feel the same way. You can keep up with Jessica on Instagram at @jessicashakirbeauty and at her websites: www.JessicaShakirBeauty.com and www.MyBeautyBFF.com

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

 

XO,

 Kat

Feb 19, 2019
Unpacking Toxic Masculinity with Mike Aidala
58:42

I’ve been so excited to chat with Mike Aidala. Our schedules finally aligned and we got to chat about physical fitness, toxic masculinity, transformation, and fostering healthy dialogue. I’m so challenged by all of his words. What if life wasn’t as hard as we made it out to be?

Focusing Inward

  • He decided after college that he would focus on strengthening his whole self and becoming the best version of Mike Aidala.
  • “I always knew that I had a real passion for helping people.”
  • He notes that his Instagram feed is a combination of strength training videos and more emotional and spiritual movement videos, like yoga acrobatics with his fiancée Chelsea.
  • “I really love emotion and diving into the why behind everything I do.”
  • He enjoys athletics, but he is driven by the emotion behind all of the activities. The connection he feels to the movement.
  • “How can I better be completely engaged in this moment?”
  • Mike notes that lifting somebody into the air isn’t all about strength, it’s about developing trust and an emotional connection with whoever you are lifting.

Celebrating Wins

  • Sometimes we can get so caught up in the big picture that we forget to focus on the small everyday tasks and achievements that get us to where we want to be.
  • “That’s a dangerous word: only.”
  • We need to celebrate the wins more. We can see room for improvement everywhere, but we’ll never feel accomplished if we don’t see all we have achieved.
  • “When you fail, you’re growing.”
  • Instead of a typical gratitude journal, Mike likes to write down every day, “what went well and why.”

On Fitness Goals…

  • “You don’t really want to lose ten pounds, what you want is maybe your kids to like you, be engaged with your husband more, have better community with your friends. You think losing 10 pounds is going to get you those things. What we focus on is giving you confidence, showing you you’re strong, building your self-esteem. Before you know it, you’ve probably lost the ten pounds anyway, but that isn’t what you come back for, you come back because of the feeling you have.”

Toxic Masculinity

  • We discuss toxic masculinity—something a lot of people love to talk about.
  • “Being masculine isn’t toxic,” he says. Masculinity can be toxic, but it isn’t inherently toxic.
  • He recognizes that men do want to learn and be better in areas but being yelled at does not foster that change. We have to dive in to the hard conversations.
  • Mike wants people to be open with each other. Open to criticism, open to discussion.
  • Men and women can create better relationships with each other if they just communicate what they want.
  • We talk about the danger of using the word ‘should.’ “’I want you to do this’ is a lot harder to say than ‘you should do this.’”
  • He encourages men to reach out to the women in their life and ask how they can support them.

So, friends, what if you sought to understand the people in your life? What if you learned to listen? What if you practiced supporting others?

You can keep up with Mika at @mike.aidala on Instagram and his website at mikeaidala.com where you can find his training programs.

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

XO,

Kat Harris

 

Feb 12, 2019
How to Pursue Wholeness Before Pursuing a Relationship with Amanda Blair Hopkins
01:03:28

Do you have one of those friends who gives the BEST love advice? The type of friend who is willing to call you out and say ‘no, this is not the guy for you,’ or ‘do you seriously not see that he is super into you?’ I hope so, because they’re the best. Amanda Blair is that friend for me. We sat down to record this episode and she shared her story and her dating journey. I even opened up about a recent date I went on and an ambiguous guy friendship I have.

 Remember the phrase I use ‘rejection if protection?’ Amanda is the one who first encouraged me to view rejection this way. “When someone else says no, it’s not a personal attack against us.”

Amanda was also the first one to call me out and say that there was something between me and this guy I was interested in. I realized I kept getting stuck in these male friendships because I would tell myself I was just ‘the friend.’ Nobody was saying this to me, but I kept shutting the door in relationships because I didn’t think I was worthy. I was playing small, so I was attracting emotionally unavailable guys.

Reflecting on her childhood, Amanda discovered the reason she has certain patterns in her romantic life. “I was so desperate for someone to tell me that I was worthy and I was good enough… I just let men walk all over me.” After moving to New York and developing an unhealthy relationship with alcohol and men, she began yoga teacher training and began to confront her relationship with drinking. Her anxiety nearly disappeared when she became sober, something I have also experienced in the last six months.

Knowledge alone doesn’t transform us. We can know that a person is bad for us and still want to be with them. Newly in a relationship, the guy she was seeing told her that he saw a future with her that included having a family with her. She fell into Disney Princess Syndrome. But soon after, he ghosted her. “I was done believing that I needed to be saved.”

We so often look to guys to validate us, when deep down it is our past self that needs the validation. When we are upset that a guy doesn’t want us, we don’t need to reach out for them, we need to reach inward and recognize that child in us that just needs validation from our present selves.

Again, knowledge doesn’t transform us… we can still fall back into old patterns. Just because you’re in the pattern again doesn’t mean you’re back at square one. To break an unhealthy pattern, Amanda gets to the root of feelings through journaling. ‘When did you first experience this? Who were you experiencing it with? What did you need from them?’ Through this, we can acknowledge our brain chemistry and rewire it to break patterns and move toward healing.

“The more we block our path up with these ambiguous people or people we’re not really into, we’re just creating road blocks and the thing we want can’t get to us.”

“We have to be fully integrated and whole humans to welcome in another fully integrated and whole human.” When we get clear on all of this, we can establish and stick to boundaries that acknowledge our worth.

This was pretty much a normal conversation Amanda and I would have. Isn’t she the best? If you loved Amanda, would you head over to iTunes and let us know what you thought in a review?! It would mean the world. You can keep up with Amanda at www.amandablair.org or on Instagram at @xoamandablair.

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called “6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

XO,

Kat Harris 

Feb 06, 2019
Cheryl Scruggs A Story of Reconciliation and Marriage
41:43

You guys, we are back with our first guest of the year! I’m so thrilled to be sharing this conversation I had with Cheryl Scruggs— she is the mother of Lauren Scruggs Kennedy (who we had on the podcast in episode 002- click here to listen!) who is a dear friend of mine. Cheryl and her husband have a nonprofit called Hope for Marriages where they support couples in reconciling their marriages and they also co-wrote “I Do Again.”

 

Cheryl + Jeff: The Way They Met

" style="background-color: transparent; color: #222222; font-family: -webkit-standard; font-size: 18px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 36px; margin-top: 0px; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration: none; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; -webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; white-space: normal; word-spacing: 0px;">• Cheryl and her husband, Jeff, have such a beautiful story that genuinely makes me cry.

• In a world that says to bail on something the second it becomes uncomfortable, they have chosen a countercultural response in their marriage.
• Cheryl was working as a cocktail waitress to put herself through college when Jeff walked in. They talked a bit and he asked her out on a date.
• She was already engaged at this time, but deep in her heart knew that she would not end up marrying the man to whom she was engaged.
• When Jeff returned the next week, she agreed to go on a date with him. After a year, they became engaged.

 

Chasing Happy

• Two years in to their marriage, she began to feel lonely. “I thought there was something wrong with me for feeling that way because it looked like we had the perfect life.”
• She opens up about her IVF treatments that led her to have her two twin girls who are now 30 years old. She thought maybe they had been the missing link.
• One day, she was on a sales trip and she met a man that she would eventually have an affair with. “I’m not proud of any of this, but this is our story.”
• When she and Jeff moved from Los Angeles to Dallas, she found herself missing the man she had been having the affair with. 
• They would have phone calls—connecting heart to heart. Ultimately, Cheryl filed for divorce from Jeff. 

 

A Second Chance At Love

• Looking back, she realizes that Jesus was the missing piece in her marriage.
• “I think God had a different plan and we weren’t following it.”
• Two months after their divorce, Cheryl really dove into her faith.
• “By the end of the year 1992, I realized that, ‘oh my gosh, I feel like God is wanting us to pursue reconciliation.’”
• Jeff didn’t think that was going to happen, so they continued to co-parent from separate homes.
• “The more I read about biblical marriage, I realized if we could just work on this, we could have a marriage honoring God, being what God wanted us to be rather than who we were.”
• Five years after their divorce, they began to spend more time together as a family. And soon after, Jeff began asking Cheryl out on dates. Soon after, they remarried.
• Out of this experience, their nonprofit Hope for Marriages was born.

 

All In Commitment

• “You yourself have to understand who you are and who God has made you.”
• Cheryl recognizes that our pasts always have an effect on our relationships, but if we are aware of them, we can have more control over how they affect us.
• “Happiness is very fleeting. What the Lord wants for us is deep joy. You can be going through trials and still have deep joy.”

 

Keep up with Cheryl at @cherylscruggs on Instagram, Thrivingbeyondbelief.com, on Facebook at Cheryl ScruggsHere’s where you can get her book “I Do Again.”

 

 

Hey, single ladies— are you frustrated by the dating world? This episode is brought to you by my free guide called“6 Tips to Activate Your Dating Life with Intention and Clarity.” These resources helped propel me from sitting on the couch to out on a date. Head over to Bit.ly/trwdating to check it out! With you on the journey.

 

XO,

Kat

Jan 29, 2019
Arise: A 2019 Manifesto with Kat Harris
12:45

It’s faint, yet distinct.

The whisper.

An exhale of relief radiates throughout.

The soft breeze rustles your matted hair and tear stained cheeks.

A stirring unfolds.

Finally, it is here.

ARISE.

A new day.

Dawn is on her way.

The sun grasps for the horizon.

Yet, the battle wages on.

Taunting you from every angle.

Shame backing you into that old familiar corner,

battered and bruised you go.

Submit to the shadows, fear beckons.

Weariness clothes your soul.

Exhaustion clings to your heels.

Yet I tell still you: Arise.

Failure 

Rejection

Isolation

Suffocation

Pain, heartache, struggle, addiction…

Fear 

They are not your destiny.

ARISE.

Awaken hope.

Your portion is peace.

Your portion is breakthrough

Upward you go!

You’re not chained to the corner—you never were.

ARISE.

Restoration is here.

Reconciliation is now.

Rebirth has begun.

ARISE.

You are on assignment.

You are FREE.

You are supported.

You are safe.

ARISE.

It’s time.

Renewed.

Come.  

Step into the light.

The outpouring of peace is waiting to radiate upon you.

ARISE.

Rub the sleep from your eyes.

It’s time to go to a higher place.

ARISE.

Courageous one, You belong here.

No more waiting in the shadows.

You are being led—

moment by moment,

breath by breath.

ARISE.

When you move with your Maker there is ease—

there is rest.

Your Creator is never far off.

Together you pave a new trail—a new legacy for the generations

bursting with hope, wholeness, glory, and connection.

Somewhere between the end of self and the beginning of surrender

hope revives your weary soul.

Each step forward is untamed territory.

With power and authority claim your victory.

Dawn awakens and breathes life.

It’s a new day.

ARISE.

ARISE.

ARISE.

Jan 22, 2019
How to Create Change Through Human Connection with Reagan Pugh
47:02

 

Before we dive in to this episode, I want to talk about the name of the podcast. reason the podcast is The Refined Collective and not The Refined Woman is because I wanted to make this a space for both men and women to share their stories. With that being said, we’ve got another man on the podcast today!

Reagan Pugh believes any time people gather together is an opportunity for collaboration and refuses to waste those opportunities. He founded Assemble in an effort to support teenagers in collaborations. This week we are talking about success, balance, rest, self-care, and everything in between. We went to high school together and lost touch because life happened. I recently saw his TEDtalk pop up on Facebook and had to reach out.

Adjusting Course

  • Though he enjoyed working with Calypso for five or six years, he discovered that the candle was burning at both ends. “I decided I needed to slow down.”
  • He left that position and did contract work until he created Assemble two years later.
  • “No one ever built a country or grew a company or had an influence on a community without some kind of conflict. They had to live some kind of hero’s journey narrative.”
  • He didn’t want to cut himself off from that success, so he worked hard to establish his identity and why he was doing the work.
  • He notes that there are some masculinity issues rooted in the idea of working without regard for rest.

Human Connection

  • “I look at the moments when I felt most alive in my life and all of those moments have to do with me being an artist, me writing creatively, me telling stories, me bringing a group of people together to talk about what’s really going on.”
  • He recognizes the fear he had of what his coworkers would think of his interest in the human connection over the results.
  • He thought he was wrong for not being driven by results. “I don’t find any identity in that, so what’s wrong with me?”
  • We talk about how Simon Sinek, among others, is a leader in the thought that human connection is what should drive us.
  • “Instead of being ashamed…I am starting to realize that it is the higher calling.”

Yes And…

  • He recognizes all he learned about improv mentality from Patrician Ryan Madsen, author of “Improv Wisdom.” The tagline of this book is, “Don’t prepare; just show up.”
  • “There’s this idea of believing that the best decision was the one you just made.”
  • When you make a decision, it is not worth your time to question it.
  • We talk about something we both struggle with: the need to be right. He remembers one moment he had with his brother where he asked him, “Would you rather be right or would you rather have a relationship?”

Who Am I?

  • We discuss the control he felt in his first role at Catalyst, but he realized he could not control was that his identity was not in that work.
  • When he had broken a bone and gone through a breakup, he reflected on how he got to where he is.
  • “Who the hell am I? Where am I finding my identity? Do I believe the story I have been telling myself?”
  • From that moment forward, he has let go of the control.
  • “We’re afraid of the things we’re going to have to deal with if we slow down and ask ourselves who we really are.”
  • We talk about fearing success and why we experience this. Fears of being held accountable fearing that we aren’t worthy.
  • “What if I put out my unique perspective into the world and there’s crickets on the other side?”

Head over to ReaganPugh.com to find his TED talk, connect with him on social media platforms, and sign up for his email newsletters.

I’ve launched a Bible study for YOU! The Space Between Bible Study and Meditation Guide will give you tools to create a regular rhythm of time with God. Head over to therefinedwoman.com/prayer to grab your guide.

“It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” – Marianne Williamson

XO,

Kat Harris

Dec 12, 2018
How to Create Community with Radha Agrawal
01:00:34

I am so grateful to be chatting with Radha Agrawal on the podcast today. She is the co-founder, CEO, and chief community architect at Daybreaker (the best morning dance party ever). She is also an entrepreneur, having co-founded THINX and LiveItUp, and the author of Belong. I could go on and on about these incredible titles, but let’s dive into who lies beneath all of that. We talk all about what her journey to motherhood has looked like and how she has worked to create community in everything she does.

The Journey to Motherhood

  • She waited 36 years to find the love of her life. She remembers questioning whether she wanted to have children, but she met her husband and realized she wanted to create life with him.
  • When they tried to have children, she got pregnant right away. Unfortunately, she miscarried right away as well.
  • “You go from this anticipatory experience- the excitement, the waiting- and then the miscarriage, you’re asking yourself, ‘is it too late?”
  • A month and a half later, she got pregnant again. Today, she is seven months pregnant with a baby girl.
  • “The birthing process is just such a miracle… I have such a deep appreciation for what it means to be human.”

Belong

  • “I’ve never felt a deeper sense of belonging to another being than I do having a being growing inside of me.”
  • Her book explores the idea that we are all looking to belong. However, as a country, we are lonely and isolated.
  • “The single most important thing we can do as human beings is to create community for ourselves and for others. It is the most generous act we can do.”
  • She recognizes that the sensitivity of rejection keeps us from reaching out and building community.
  • “That’s the hardest part of belonging: being the first person on the dance floor dancing.”
  • She talks about the fear surrounding leadership on all levels, whether that leading a team as a CEO or reaching out to a friend to see if they want to hang out.

Community

  • We talk about the importance of community, and a community of many people. We can’t put the pressure of serving every role on just one person.
  • She remembers not feeling connected to the friends she had in her twenties.
  • “I woke up at 30 and looked at myself in the mirror and said, ‘my light is dim’.”
  • From that moment forward, she made the changes she knew she needed.
  • “Belonging starts with yourself. You have to know who you are first.”
  • She explores the struggle of labels. The labels we place on ourselves hold us back from growth.

Daybreaker

  • Imagine your typical wild Saturday night out. But replace the alcohol with breakfast treats.
  • In the early hours of weekday mornings, Daybreaker gives people the place to be who they are, whether they want to be social or want to keep to themselves.
  • It involves yoga, dancing, and is all you can eat and all you can drink. Pretty much the greatest experience ever.
  • “We’re creating space for people. We need a place to self-express.”
  • “How do we gather? How do we create and design experiences? How do we make friends?”
  • She addresses the fact that technology has the power to distance us from each other.
  • “You have all of the power to decide what type of life you want to lead. You have all the opportunities at your fingertips to be able to do that.”

Don’t you just love Radha? I did not want to end our conversation! To keep up with her and her work, head over to belongbook.com to order her book. You can also find her at Instagram.com/love.radha and at her website radhaagrawal.com. Send this girl some love.

Thank you so much for joining along with podcast journey with me. Every DM, comment, and share means the world to me, my team, and my guests. None of this would be possible without you. Head over to the podcast app to subscribe so that you never miss and episode. I also want to invite you to rate the podcast and leave a review while you’re there! Thanks for the support and love.

This episode is brought to you by the free PDF guide called “Moving Through Fear.” It is full of resources that I hope will help guide you through rejecting the lies in your life and finding the truth.

XO,

Kat Harris

 

Dec 04, 2018
How to Confront Transition + Unexpected Change with Sara del Monte
01:08:07

You guys, this is a pretty important episode. You may know her as Tutti del Monte if you follow her on Instagram or Sara del Monte if you know her in real life. She is one of my best friends, so I call her ‘sissy.’ This episode has quite a few inside jokes and a whole lot of laughter. I wanted to share this with you because Sara inspires me so much with her femininity, grace, patience, and humility. She has gone through a major transition in life this past year and has done so with such grace, even when plans fall to pieces. I look up to this woman for a million and one reasons and am so excited to be sharing her story with you.

Where It All Began

  • Sara met my ex at a housewarming party and he left the party knowing that we would be best friends. We met later at a photoshoot collaboration and It was love at first sight and we’ve been friends ever since.
  • “If the only reason he was in my life was to meet you…” “I certainly believe that.”
  • This time last year, Sara was single, taking time for herself, working out, and focusing on her work with her photography business Boudoir by Tutti.
  • Our entire friend group felt a change coming, but we weren’t sure what it was going to be or who it was going to be for.
  • “There was a shift happening and we were in it.”

The Graceful Transition

  • She became pregnant unexpectedly while living in New York. Though this wasn’t part of her plan, she recognized that this was something she has always wanted.
  • “It took me my community and it took me some time to understand what this would mean for my life.”
  • She was determined to stay in New York and raise the baby among friends. “I wanted my life to continue the way it was plus a baby.”
  • After doing some research and determining what it would actually look like to have a baby in New York, she decided to move home to Florida.
  • “What keeps me sane is ‘what is the bigger picture here?”

Confronting Expectations

  • “I always thought being pregnant was going to be with a partner by my side experiencing every little kick of the baby, every appointment at the doctors, every mile stone.”
  • Not being in a committed relationship with her baby’s dad, she experienced moments of loneliness and sadness. But she got to share those moments with friends, family, and community.
  • “I still have those things, it just feels so different.”
  • Though she was tired through pretty much all of her first trimester, she enjoyed the experience of being pregnant.

Faith + Friendship

  • We have spent a lot of time together doing devotionals and discussing our faith. She isn’t afraid to ask questions and dig into her faith.
  • “God has really showed up in my life in the way of you.”
  • Now that she is a mother, she experiences God through her sweet baby boy.
  • “I feel very grateful that doors have been closed when they have been and doors have been opened when they have been.”
  • We talk about how there are so many people praying for her baby.

The Last Moments of Pregnancy/ The First Moments of Motherhood

  • Going in to labor, she knew she didn’t want any epidurals.
  • “I wanted to experience birth, I just wanted to completely experience it.”
  • After going to a doctor appointment after her due date had passed, she was told she needed to have labor induced.
  • “Everything I had planned would from the very get-go be different.”
  • Packed for a trip to the beach, she instead took a trip to the hospital to give birth.
  • “Plan something and God up there is laughing.”
  • She reflects on the pain and beauty of going through labor and letting go of her plans.
  • “That moment you first see your child is otherworldly.”

I’m going to end this with some advice Sara would have given herself a year ago; I think it’s probably something a lot of you need to hear right now. “Experience the process. There is going to be light at the end of the tunnel.” You can keep up with Sara, her work, and her journey of motherhood on Instagram and at her website.

This episode is brought to you by my free PDF guide “How to Slow Down: 6 Ways to Reset” It is so easy to rush through life. I have been challenged over the year to pause, slow down, and reset. This guide will help you to interrupt the chaos and actually find time to do more things. Go to therefinedwoman.com/freebie to check it out.

XO,

Kat Harris

 

Nov 28, 2018
Love Does: A Conversation with Bob Goff
53:30

Do you guys ever send out an email and think ‘this person probably won’t get back to me, but I’ll try anyway’? Me too. Except I got a reply back, and now I got the opportunity to talk with Bob Goff!! (I may have been a little nervous and it may or may not be obvious.) I am inspired by the way he discusses faith, Jesus, loving others, and living a life of adventure. A two-time New York Times best-selling author, Bob Goff wrote Love Does and Everybody Always. You HAVE to get Love Does as a Christmas gift for all of the kiddos in your life. Get your notebooks out; Bob came with some wisdom.

Everybody Always

  • When I was reading his book, I was astonished when he said his child got into skydiving. He talks about the balance between manipulation and support as a parent.
  • “If you’re waving off on things because you’re just afraid, I would double check the return address on that.”
  • He talks about his experience landing planes (he’s pretty much a pro) and telling the air traffic controller that he is a student pilot so they’ll be nicer to him and help him out. He takes it further by saying we should be students in every aspect of life which will bring about more kindness in the world.

Always Right

  • Personally, I have a need to be right. As a former lawyer, Bob used to have a need to be right.
  • Reading his book, I was struck when he said, “We can be correct and not right.”
  • A sports analogy for you: If you want to be right, you are the referee. But Bob sees the other roles you can take on. The cheerleader supports. The mascot represents something greater. We can choose which role we want to fill.
  • “If applause is the goal, join the circus.”

Taking Notes

  • “The people who are most engaged in their lives are actually taking notes on them.”
  • He stresses the idea of capturing everything he talks about. “These things come by you like butterflies, and you don’t have your net out.”
  • Even in simple conversations, we can become more engaged simply by taking notes. It honors the other person.
  • If you don’t take notes, a conversation full of wisdom has just blown by you, uncaptured.
  • “You should walk away having learned more about yourself or more about them.”
  • Hebrews 11:1 “Faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”

Love Does

  • Bob wanted to build some schools. The idea was that the money made from his Love Does book sales would go toward building a school. After selling several million copies, the reach has expanded.
  • Love Does Org now has built schools in Uganda, Somalia, and Afghanistan.
  • His book encourages discussions between parents and children.
  • “One of the things I want to do is just have us have more reasons to be talk with each other and reading stories to each other.”

Finding Your Calling

  • We discuss how people often quit when things get hard, but quitting should always be a reflection that you have evolved past where you were.
  • “It’s the wedding of a capability and an opportunity… Your capability may not be your calling.”
  • We talk about how our decisions can be guided by faith, insecurity, and fear.
  • “Let yourself know that you are entitled to beautiful relationships.”
  • “If you take away what you’re known for and you replace it with what you’re longing for, then that would be the beginning of a real conversation.” 

Bob challenges all of us to sit down with a friend and say we want to have an authentic conversation. Then share first what we’re known for then who we really are. “Get in touch with these authentic relationships.”

You can keep up with Bob at his website, the Love Does website, and the Dream Big Framework website.

This episode is brought to you by my free PDF guide “How to Slow Down: 6 Ways to Reset” It is so easy to rush through life. I have been challenged over the year to pause, slow down, and reset. This guide will help you to interrupt the chaos and actually find time to do more things. Go to therefinedwoman.com/freebie to check it out.

XO,

Kat Harris 

Nov 20, 2018
Ben Higgins: Faith, Influence + Impact
46:58

Unless you’ve lived under a rock, you know Ben Higgins from ABC’s The Bachelor.  But what you may not know is that this man has a heart for social good, faith, and leadership. He understands that purchasing power can and should be used to make an impact. This episode, I talk with Ben Higgins about life on The Bachelor, his faith, and his work creating sustainable change through his for profit organization, Generous Coffee.

Life After The Bachelor

  • When you’re on The Bachelor, you all of a sudden have an audience and millions of eyes are on your life.

  • While it’s so easy to use this newfound fame and get a big head, Ben has committed to making a difference in the world.

  • Ben remembers a time when he enjoyed having all eyes on him as the bachelor, but it didn’t last. “The euphoric feeling of having your ego stroked ended- I was left to question a lot of things”

Faith and Work

  • He recognizes the partnership between faith and action.  Instead of just praying things into existence, which is important, he knows we have vital roles to play in creating a world and culture of hope and change. “I don’t think we give ourselves enough credit sometimes.”

  • “God has entrusted us with skills, intelligence, and wisdom to get to a place where we can be good stewards for the world He has created for us.”

  • We have to deconstruct our beliefs to strengthen our why’s and live with integrity.

  • Ben often thinks back to this quote: “Live your life like you’ll be written about in the Bible.”

Creating Lasting Change

  • Ben’s friend Riley Fuller started a non-profit called Humanity and Hope United, which focuses on ending poverty in Honduras.

  • Ben and Riley witnessed the poverty and saw that they were being helped, but not in a way that would create lasting change.

  • He remembered being angry about what he saw for years after until Riley suggested they partner with these countries.

  • They partnered with communities in Honduras to support them in reaching their goals.   Six years in he was overwhelmed with the realization that small businesses were succeeding and children were graduating school.

  • Today’s ceiling is tomorrow’s floor.  Ben challenges himself and others to never get complacent, “How far have we come, and how far can we go?”

Generous Coffee

  • He recognizes that The Bachelor gave him a platform that allowed him to get funding for their project, but that it won’t last forever.

  • Two years ago, he and Riley started Generous Coffee as a for-profit business to help fund the non-profit.

  • Now, Ben is the operating president, chief executive officer, and co-founder along with Drew Scholl and Riley Fuller.

  • Their coffee comes from nine different countries. T-shirts are made from water bottles by women in Haiti.

  • Beyond non-profits, there are so many for-profits that donate a portion of their profits to causes they believe in, like Newman’s Own. Following in the footsteps of this, Ben is looking forward to continuing his work with Generous Coffee.

  • “When you see a purpose, no matter how big or small, stay in your lane and pursue it and complete it and do it with vigor.”

This week’s episode is brought to you by Generous Coffee. It creates a community that creates sustainable change and believes in the unique power of the human being. It is a for-profit business and they’re always partnering with organizations that share their values. Join the movement! Go to generousmovement.com to see their products and what they’re up to.

This episode is ALSO brought to you by Steereo. Are you obsessed with music? Are you looking to stay ahead of the next big music trends? If you become a contributor at Steereo.com/contributor, you can get rewards for rating music!

XO,
Kat Harris
Nov 13, 2018
How to Embrace Your Sexuality with Morgan Day Cecil
55:48

Integrated feminine wholeness coach Morgan Day Cecil’s message is that God designed you to embrace your inner sexy, and you deserve to lean into it. We are new friends, and already her femininity has inspired me. I hope she will inspire you to embrace your womanhood and sexiness as well. We talk about owning your sexuality for you, and not another person. We explore a topic I never have discussed publicly yet:  self-pleasure a.k.a. masturbation. 

How to Embrace Your Sexuality

  • When women ask how to embrace their sexuality, they are asking the permission to find freedom.
  • “We want a feeling of authenticity and freedom and wholeness in this area of life that sometimes seems scary and shameful.”
  • The typical definition of ‘sex’ is focused on the male experience.
  • “I want to feel alive. I want to feel desired, loved, wanted.” Often, people see sex as the answer to these needs.
  • Morgan recalls how her relationship with sex changed before and after becoming Christian and finding a deeper understanding of her sexuality.
  • “I started experiencing my sexuality through sensuality.”

Your Sexuality Is for You

  • One of the biggest lies I believed was that my sexuality was for another person. But then I bought myself some La Perla lingerie for me, because I am worth being connected to my sexuality whether or not a man gets to experience that.
  • Morgan went on a retreat in Rome and distinctly remembers bringing these women to buy lingerie for themselves.
  • “It doesn’t have to be about men. When that masculine energy comes in, we feel like we are in the seat of power. Not power over, but power that belongs to us because we are inhabiting our wholeness.”
  • Too often, female sexuality is seen as dangerous and manipulative.
  • “It’s this divine dance of intimacy that we are invited to be a part of.”
  • Coming to a deeper understanding your own sexuality is to become closer to God.
  • “Start intentionally making love with nature.”

Heartbreak to Healing

  • Morgan found herself pregnant with the child of a man who wanted nothing to do with it. She reflects on the moments of loneliness in this time.
  • Fear and anxiety led her to the hospital, but she left with a clearer vision for her life.
  • “I empowered myself to do what I could from where I was at.”
  • She was in the Cinderella mindset: “Somebody else has the power to give me a beautiful life.”

Inviting God into the Desire

  • Masturbation is one of the number thinsg Christian women ask us about.
  • Intentional self-pleasuring can be a very sacred practice. Most people masturbate in a fantasy that is devoid of any real emotion.
  • We talk about the slippery slope between the experiences women can have with self-pleasure.
  • To avoid the wrong experiences, we have to ask ourselves, “What story preceded this desire? Was it a story where the theme is fear or love?”
  • If self-pleasure seems like a big step for you, go at the pace you feel comfortable with. Maybe that means just being present in nature. This is your journey and you make all of the decisions.

I am so grateful for Morgan and for this unexpected turn in our conversation that I hope will speak to your souls. You can keep up with her at her website. She also posts videos to YouTube daily and she has a workbook available called “A New Narrative.”

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And another thing- I’ve launched a Bible study for YOU! The Space Between Bible Study and Meditation Guide will give you tools to create a regular rhythm of time with God. Head over to therefinedwoman.com/prayer to grab your guide.

XO,

Kat Harris

 

 

Nov 07, 2018