How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.

It's episode 265...and the television screen is the retina of the mind's eye. 

Videodrome (1983) tells the story of slimy TV executive Max Renn, who specialises in digging up obscure softcore pornography and bloody violence to broadcast to the feverish masses on his cable TV station. But, when Max comes into contact with the extreme and nightmarish violence of Videodrome, things begin to unravel, leading to hallucinations, BDSM-infused re-enactments and the transference of violent media into violent reality.

We discuss chest wound gun holsters, a prescient depiction of the anxieties and effects of violent media, dig into the most thematically-packed 90 minute movies we’ve ever seen, unpick a gory special effects masterclass and ponder whether, if you want to stop someone investigating something, whether it’s a good idea to give them loads of information to help them do just that. 

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Death to Videodrome. Long live the new flesh!

Next time, it’s exploding heads o’clock as David Cronenberg Season continues with Scanners (1981).

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.

It's episode 264...and it's your coffin, my love. Enjoy it. Most of us never get to know what it feels like.

Interview With The Vampire (1994) spins a century-spanning yarn of epic proportions, following the listless slave plantation owner Louis de Pointe du Lac, as he is bitten and transformed into an immortal creature by vampire Lestat de Lioncourt. Much like a new parent, an apparently endless future of night feeds causes Louis to have an existential crisis lasting decades as he stands and morosely observes various comings and goings across New Orleans, Paris and San Francisco, eventually relating this to a journalist in the modern day for our pleasure(?).

It’s a bloody diet of ham and mince as Brad Pitt sulks, Tom Cruise camps it up and a 10-year old Kirsten Dunst steals the show, in what is an unusual and somewhat misguided and often boring Vampiric fable pondering the meaning of life. We discuss blatant homoeroticism, outline the unique qualities of the vampire interviewees, question the reasoning of an exclusively rat-based diet and ponder whether we’ve already passed the best time in our lives to be made eternal beings. What other dark gifts might we find? There’s only one way to find out.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I was mortal until you gave me your immortal kiss.

Next time, it’s the start of David Cronenberg Season with Videodrome (1983).

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more.

It's episode 264...and it's your coffin, my love. Enjoy it. Most of us never get to know what it feels like.

Interview With The Vampire (1994) spins a century-spanning yarn of epic proportions, following the listless slave plantation owner Louis de Pointe du Lac, as he is bitten and transformed into an immortal creature by vampire Lestat de Lioncourt. Much like a new parent, an apparently endless future of night feeds causes Louis to have an existential crisis lasting decades as he stands and morosely observes various comings and goings across New Orleans, Paris and San Francisco, eventually relating this to a journalist in the modern day for our pleasure(?).

It’s a bloody diet of ham and mince as Brad Pitt sulks, Tom Cruise camps it up and a 10-year old Kirsten Dunst steals the show, in what is an unusual and somewhat misguided and often boring Vampiric fable pondering the meaning of life. We discuss blatant homoeroticism, outline the unique qualities of the vampire interviewees, question the reasoning of an exclusively rat-based diet and ponder whether we’ve already passed the best time in our lives to be made eternal beings. What other dark gifts might we find? There’s only one way to find out.

All of which leads to one question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I was mortal until you gave me your immortal kiss.

Next time, it’s the start of David Cronenberg Season with Videodrome (1983).

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to get every episode one week early, plus monthly bonus episodes and more. 

It's episode 255...and here I am. A survivor attempting to tell my story, and find healing. 

Halloween Ends (2022) tells the story of Corey Cunningham, a babysitter who gets more than he bargained for when he accidentally kills the child in his care. Avoiding jail time, he falls in love with Allison, the granddaughter of Laurie Strode, who is now fully recovered from the trauma of the last 40 years. Don’t worry about it. 

We talk about the most bewildering film sequel(s) of all time; the benefits of relocating; and hypocrisy runs rife when Joe starts handing out advice on microphone discipline. 

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: a psycho meets a freak show. This is a match made in heaven.

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is back on a fortnightly basis, starting on Wednesday 21st September with Jordan Peele's Nope and Ti West's X on Wednesday 5th October after that.

If you don't want to wait that long, head over to Patreon.com/HowToSurvivePod, where for $3 a month you can get every episode a week early, plus a bonus episode every month AND help us decide what films we cover next.

Thanks for joining us, as ever, and feel free to get in touch on HowToSurviveShow@gmail.com or @HowToSurvivePod on Twitter.

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's Christmas, and our second 2021 Christmas Special.

Home Sweet Home Alone (2021) tells the story of Pam and Jeff who find an heirloom worth thousands. They believe that it has been stolen by local kid Max Mercer and set out to recover it by any means necessary. By coincidence, Max's parents have accidentally left him home alone and travelled to Japan - so he'll have to fend off Pam and Jeff by making booby traps out of household products.

We discuss burns, scrapes, stabs, cuts, and bludgeonings. We talk about fire safety; common-sense PR moves; and the power of a normal human conversation.

All of which leads to one important question: how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Uh, this is garbage. I don't know why they are always trying to remake the classics. Never as good as the originals.

Next time: We're on a break for a while. Stay tuned for further updates and see you in 2022! x

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's Christmas! And the first of our 2021 Christmas specials.

Better Watch Out (2016) tells the story of Ashley, a babysitter and her charge, Luke. In the run-up to Christmas, Luke wants to try to seduce Ashley, but before he can make his move, a home invasion makes an already uncomfortable situation much less comfortable. 

We talk about the importance of trigger safety; the merits of a 'less is more' approach to seduction; and we ask how much of a Christmas movie this really is.

All of which leads to one important question: how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: She's like twice your age. I really don't think it's gonna happen.

Next time, Christmas continues apace.

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 250...and she's still here.

Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin (2021) is the latest installment in the beloved horror franchise, and marks the first time we've watched a brand-new entry of any of our favoured franchises since we started the podcast! Margot reconnects with her estranged family who belong to an isolated Amish community, but not everything is as it seems. However, in a stroke of good fortune, Margot has brought along a documentary crew to capture crystal clear 4K footage of all the things that go bump in the night. 

We revisit a modern horror staple, discuss the rights and wrongs of activities paranormal and otherwise, ask if a found footage film as ever looked less 'found' than this and ponder whether you should reconsider telling a cult member that you've uncovered some creepy cult member business going on.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I know every Amish family within a fifty mile area and they ain't Amish.

Next time, it's Chriiiiisssstmaaaaaaaaaas.

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 249...I thought we could help him, but I was wrong. It's time we cut out the cancer.

Malignant (2021) marks James Wan's glitzy return to the horror genre with what feels like a run through the greatest hits of his filmography. We've got abductions, nightmares, haunted houses, but how well does it all hang together?

We discuss a film of two halves, the strangest martial arts movie ever made, consider health and safety tips for constructing torture dungeons, and Chris tests Joe on his single-nasty-word-horror-movie-title knowledge with his single-nasty-word-horror-movie-title quiz. All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Some of the conversations you had with Gabriel just chilled us to the bone.

Next time, it's a treat for our 250th episode: Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin (2021).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 248...and I hate to see you go, but I love to watch you leave.

Face/Off (1997) tells the story of FBI agent Sean Archer, tasked with apprehending the world's most-wanted terrorist-for-hire  Castor Troy. With time running out before a dirty bomb hits LA, Sean takes drastic action - impersonating a comatose Castor by stealing his face via a surgical face transplant. But things go from bad to worse when Castor wakes up and begins impersonating Sean in turn. Disaster!

We discuss John Woo, ask how sensible a mid-surgery haircut would be, ask if you're really getting the best out of two actors by asking them to play each other, and ask ourselves is this the stupidest Hollywood blockbuster ever made? All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I could eat a peach for hours.

Next time, we check out James Wan's 2021 horror smash Malignant.

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 247...and we're gonna get killed by Murder Barbie. 

Freaky (2021) tells the story of Millie, a high school student who swaps bodies with a middle-aged male serial killer known as The Blissfield Butcher. Millie has until midnight on Friday the 13th to swap their bodies back - and to prevent The Butcher from running amock in her body.

We compliment a quick-thinking mass murderer; consider gun safety in a Middle American town and ponder the benefits of the hitting the open road. 

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: we're not here to clam jam.

Next time, 'Body Swap' season continues apace with Face/Off (1997).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 246...and evil dies tonight.

Halloween Kills (2021), starring Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode, is (depending on your outlook) either the 12th or 3rd film in the beloved Halloween franchise, and a direct sequel to Halloween (2018), starring Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode, which itself was a direct sequel to Halloween (1978), starring Jamie Lee Curtis as Laurie Strode. If that sounds confusing then don't worry, because the good news is that Halloween Kills is so rubbish that you'll quickly stop caring at all!

We ask what went wrong, why any self-respecting modern-day slasher would draw inspiration from the very worst of the Friday the 13th films, whether 'First, do no harm' is followed by 'Second, evil dies tonight' and debate the merits of leaving a bloodied machete in the bed of a sleeping grandmother.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: People are afraid. That is the true curse of Michael.

Next time, we're swapping lives in celebration of 'Body Swap' season, starting with Freaky (2020)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 245...and there's good man inside of you fighting to come out.

The Mummy (2017) tells the story of Nick Morton, a tomb-raiding soldier serving in Iraq. Morton accidentally becomes cursed with ancient Egyptian magic, embroiled in a shady organisation's fight against evil, and must do what it takes to prevent the Egyptian Princess Ahmanet (who has been dead for 5,000 years) from running amok.

We ask ourselves: what went wrong with this film? How much Tom Cruise is too much Tom Cruise? And look forward to a lively discussion about the transportation of rare metal in the ancient world.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: That was safely hidden for 5,000 years before you dropped a Hellfire missile on it.

Next time, it's the spookiest time of the year, so look out for Halloween Kills (2021).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 244...and I only gamble with my life, never my money.

The Mummy (1999) tells the story of the treasure-hunting trio of Rick, Evelyn and Jonathan, who head to the Ancient Egyptian city of Hamunatpra in the hope of unearthing riches. Instead, they awaken the cursed tomb of Imhotep, who rises from the dead and brings with him the Ten Plagues of Egypt.

We crack open a 90s adventure classic, read aloud from the book of Evelyn, look upon Brendan Fraser's works and delight and, for the second film running, question why a man returned from the living dead with supernatural powers needs slaves at all.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: When Ramses destroyed Syria, that was an accident. You are a catastrophe!

Next time, it's the final part of our triple-bill of Mummies, as we finally step into the Dark Universe with The Mummy (2017).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 243...and do you have to open graves to find girls to fall in love with?

The Mummy (1932) tells the story of Imhotep, an ancient Egyptian high priest condemned to eternal undeath for religious sacrilege, resurrected by intrepid archaeologists. Once alive, Imhotep seeks out the object of his everlasting love Anck-su-namun, who he believes is reincarnated in the form of half-Egyptian, half-British socialite Helen Grosvenor. Can a crack team of old men and lovelorn simps stop Imhotep from laying claim to Helen's soul?

We dig up and inspect the most ancient film we've ever covered, blow the dust from Boris Karloff's incredible face, offer marriage advice for1930s women and Joe ponders how best to spread the good word of the ancient Egyptian Gods. 

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: He went for a little walk! You should have seen his face!

Next time, it's the second of our triple-bill of Mummies, as we revisit the adventure classic The Mummy (1999).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 242...and it could be another Jigsaw copycat.

Spiral: From the Book of Saw (2021) tells the story of Ezekial 'Zeke' Banks, a hard-boiled detective in an unnamed city, hunting down a mysterious serial killer of corrupt Police officers in a manner not unlike everyone's favourite DIY enthusiast John Kramer, aka The Jigsaw Killer.

We wonder if the Chris Rock-ification of the Saw franchise was something anybody needed and where we go from here, discuss a surprisingly gore-lite torture porn film, question the timing of a 'Cops as victims' plot in 2021 and ask why our mysterious killer would bother with the traps in the first place instead of, say, using a gun.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: John Kramer Was Right. The Spiral: A Symbol Of Change, Evolution, Progress.

Next time, it's the first of a triple-bill of Mummies, starting with Karl Freund's The Mummy (1932).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 241... so get over here!

Mortal Kombat (2021) tells the story of 'Cole Young', a failed MMA fighter who has a strange birthmark. The birthmark automatically means he is a champion of earth, and must defend Earth Realm in the last of ten consecutive martial arts tournaments against 'Outworld' - but not if the Outworld team and its fearsome assassins have anything to say about it!

We talk about the tournament that never was; the benefits of an assassin picking the best moment. means and moniker; and question some interdimensional treaty-writing decisions.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The fate of Earth is in OUR hands.

Next time, we're caught in a trap: It's Spiral: from the Book of Saw (2021).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 240...and there's nothing left.

A Quiet Place Part II (2021) continues the story started in John Krasinski's A Quiet Place, as Evelyn and her children struggle for survival in a world where a single errant noise could mean a violent death. The family meet Emmett, a fellow survivor, but he isn't convinced that what's left of the world is worth saving.

We wonder if this is one of the best horror sequels of all time, discuss swamp people and the value of socks, ponder which noises would make our heads flap open, and talk about our about our experiences making our long-awaited return to the cinema.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: the people that are left, they're not the kind of people worth saving.

Next time it's a fight to the death in Simon McQuoid's Mortal Kombat (2021).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 235 (despite what we might say in the intro)...and he calls out to the ones who need him -- the damaged ones.

Brahms: The Boy II (2020), unfortunately, continues and expands upon the wondeful story of Brahms, the doll first seen in The Boy (2016). Following a traumatic event, a family moves to the grounds of the mysterious Heelshire Estate in the hopes of a relaxing break. Little do they know what bland, frustrating and confusing events that will befall them.

We discuss dolls, a creepy groundskeeper who could probably throw a kettle over a pub, advise proper croquet mallet target acquisition and pick apart one of the most baffling twists in all the films we've ever watched. All that plus Joe's 'Boys in movies' quiz. 

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: sometimes it's fun to be scared.

Next time - we're watching the uplifting, hilarious Saint Maud (2020).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

*Apologies for the delay to this episode. We really did intend to kick off 2021 with a more rigorous schedule but unfortunately, as has been the case for many this last year, some less-than-ideal life events got in the way. Furthermore, neither of us were in the best circumstances when we recorded this, which may well be reflected in energy levels (or lack thereof) in the podcast. We'll be back and more bushy-tailed very soon.*

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 234...and we have both seen the same inhuman spirit.

The Nun (2018) expands the incredibly detailed and worthwhile Conjuring meta-Universe to tell the origin story of Valak, the nefarious demonic Nun from The Conjuring 2 (2016), a film which neither of Chris or Joe have seen. 

We discuss Conjurings, convents, the Nun-based horror we wish this was, and ponder how much fatal exorcising can you let your main character get away with before he gets his come-uppance? The answer, it turns out, is plenty. Plus, stay tuned for Chris' diabolically terrible Nun Pun quiz.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I think being here is a mistake.

Next time - we're going back to the infamous Heelshire Estate for Brahms: The Boy II (2020)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's Christmas!...and you want the moon? Just say the word, and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down.

It's a Wonderful Life (1946) is perhaps the definitive uplifting Christmas film, and so what better way to sign off a universally terrible year than by listening to two smug pricks picking it to pieces?

Downtrodden and destitute, George Bailey contemplates suicide. As his guardian angel learns about George, we see the highs and lows of a life full of the ordinary ups and downs, pains and joys the world can foist upon you, and learn that however bad things seem, cheer, love and support can be found in your loved ones, your community, and your hope for a brigher future. Unless you're Mr Potter.

Join us as we get painfully earnest at the end of an awful year, hail the gold standard of classical filmmaking, share our heartbreak for cinema's most honest and beloved protagonist and hope that wherever you are, whoever you are, this podcast finds you healthy and happy, with better days ahead.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You see George, you've really had a wonderful life. Don't you see what a mistake it would be to just throw it away?

Next time it's back to our regularly scheduled programming with The Nun (2018).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 233...and don’t take it personally. They’re just trying to figure out if you’re a gold-digging whore.

Ready or Not (2019) tells the story of newly-married Grace, who wants to make a good impression on her new husband Daniel's relatives - the mysterious Le Domas family, owners of the Le Domas boardgaming Monopoly. As is only fitting, before the happy couple start their Life together, they have a traditional family game with the newlyweds on their wedding night, but this game is less Ticket to Ride and more Ticket to Die. Can Grace Scrabble around and survive the night, or will she end up another victim of the Le Domas' arcane Operation?

We cut into a slice of (sort of) wedding-themed horror, family traditions and the adherance thereof, cults, Colts, 100-second counts, and whether one should ever make a deal with the devil. Plus, stick around at the end for Joe's attempts to return to Return to Castle Wolfenstein.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: She’ll never be one of us.

Next time - we did it to ourselves. It's The Nun (2018).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 232...and should pale death, with treble dread, make the ocean caves our bed, God who hears the surges roll, deign to save the suppliant soul.

The Lighthouse (2019) tells the absolutely fine and normal story of Thomas's Wake and Howard, two wickies with the task of operating a remote lighthouse for a month off the coast of 19th Century New England. But can they keep their fragile friendship intact, or will the isolation take its toll? Also featuring mermaids and tentacles.

We discuss what we think actually happens in Robert Eggers' The Witch follow-up, the dangers of cabin fever, eldritch horrors and marxism, but mainly the extremely subtle and subtextual homoerotic tension of two grown men living and constantly wanking inside a big dick.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You're gonna spill your beans.

Next time, it's the best day of our lives as we watch Ready or Not (2019).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's time for a bonus episode...and I'm Mrs. Voorhees, an old friend of the Christys'!

We turned 5 years old back in August and marked it by...doing absolutely nothing! So here we are, 3 months later, revisiting the film that started it all - Friday the 13th (1980).

If you didn't know, Friday the 13th tells the story of Camp Crystal Lake, and a group of teenagers who arive to help renovate the camp ahead of its grand re-opening, 30 years after a brutal double murder. What could go wrong?

We revisit a classic and ask ourselves, fresh from watching 250 other horror movies, is it any good, does it deserve its reputation (good and bad), and have the intervening years given us any new insights? 

All of which leads to one important question: why aren't we cracking on with the films we're supposed to be watching?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Guess I always wanted to work with children. I hate when people call them kids. Sounds like little goats. But when you've had a dream as long as I have, you'll do anything.

Back next time with our previously scheduled programming with Robert Eggers The Lighthouse (2020).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com
Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 226...and this time travel crap, just fries your brain like a egg..

Looper (2012) tells the story of Joe, a 'Looper'. Loopers are assassins who kill people sent from the future, where time travel exists but is controlled by criminal gangs. There are also psychic people. Fun and games ensue when Joe is ordered to kill a 30-year-older version of himself. 

We discuss then whens, wheres and whyfors of mute begging, hoverbike jousting, propose picking a safe word for you and your older self, and Joe outs himself as a Little Monster masquerading as a Moonage Daydreamer.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: This is a Remington 870. One blast could cut you the f*ck in half.

Join us next time as we go under the skin of Jonathan Glazer's Under the Skin (2013)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 225...and I guess you guys aren't ready for that yet. But your kids are gonna love it.

Back to the Future (1985) tells the story of Marty McFly, a precocious teen with deadbeat parents and a good friend in Doc Brown, a local inventor and all-round eccentric. When Marty helps Doc test his newly-constructed time machine, he winds up stranded three decades earlier in 1955. Can he convince the younger Doc Brown to help him, and can he make sure his high schooler parents still meet and fall in love?

It's time for celebration as we mark the 35th anniversary of one of the greats of family adventure cinema, and cover all the usual ground - fawning potrayals of Americana, desperate levels of product placement, troubling depictions of sexual violence, the ending's facist overtones, and elderly men welding U-Boats in a 3ft canal in West London.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Nobody calls me chicken!

Join us next time as we carry on time travelling in Rian Johnson's Looper (2012).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 224... and change doesn't happen spontaneously.

The Platform (2019) (or El Hoyo (2019) depending on whether you are in spain or not), tells the story of Gorreng, a man who wakes up in a vertical prison of several hundred floors. Each day, a platform lowers food from the top floor downwards, with prisoners relying on the lack of greed of those above them in order to eat. Why? Well, why not?

We talk about the benefits of a mobile vegetable patch; how to make sure your message is received by delivering it in person; and the importance of really thinking through the design of a prison system before you open.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: hunger releases that madman in us.

Join us next time as we go Back to the Future (1985).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 223...these are just things. They can be replaced.

mother! (2017) stars Jennifer Lawrence as Mother in the completely straightforward and simple story of a man and woman who live in a house. When some strangers arrive and begin to take liberties with Mother's hospitality, tensions begin to rise. What follows is an absolutely normal time with normal events and nothing out of the ordinary with no double-meaning whatsoever.

We get our metaphorrors and alleghorrorcals confused, give hypnobirthing advice, discuss unruly house parties and unruly house party guests and, above all else, take everything the film has to offer at face value with no attempt to read anything into the events and themes of the film.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I wanna make a Paradise.

Next episode is the Netflix-distributed The Platform (2020)!

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 222... and failure is not an option.

Happy Death Day 2U (2019) reunites us with our favourite hungover student Tree for more time-looping horror hijinks, but this time with a pop sci-fi twist. How much merit can there be in repeating the premise of a film about repeating the same events over and over? Well...some merit, as it turns out. 

We offer some much-needed architectural advice, dig into some surprising emotional depth, discuss the life and future works of Christopher Landon and, most importantly, check what film our mate Joe watched on his birthday this year.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Once a douchebag, always a douchebag.

Next episode, as voted for by the patrons, is mother! (2016)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 221... and he said that wherever I went, he would find me, walk right up to me, and I wouldn't be able to see him

The Invisible Man (2020) tells the story of an invisible man. Or does it? Cecilia has just escaped an abusive relationship, and her ex has apparently died by suicide - but now she has the distinct feeling that she's being haunted and hunted by his invisible presence. 

We suggest swinging away; creating an even playing field; and the merits of being able to accept when a relationship is over.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: if Adrian calls, tell him I can't see him.

Next episode: Happy Death Day 2 U (2019).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

A quick update from your two favourite survivors. For anyone who can't listen:

- We're going to start doing the podcast again, but releasing irregularly for a while.

- From May 1st the Patreon will act as a 'tip jar'. There will be a single '1$ and up' tier, and no exclusive content. Feel free to pledge as much or as little as you like. All HTS content going forward will be freely available until further notice.

- All proceeds from the Patreon will go to the WHO COVID-19 Response Fund until further notice.

- Joe is launching his 2001 episode this week.

- We're recording our first proper episode since the hiatus - on The Invisible Man (2020) - this week.

Last, but not least - we hope you're all doing okay. 

Email us at howtosurviveshow@gmail.com and find us on Patreon at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

We're still on hiatus.

But guess what - we're going to the polls to decide Joe's child's first ever movie.

Download to find out more - and take advantage of the fact that we've currently disabled billing on our Patreon so you can listen to everything for free! www.patreon.com/howtosurvivepod

Get in touch: howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

*Editors note: The weird echoey thing is largely gone, but there's still a bit of it. Sorry about that.*

It's a New Nightmare (1994), which tells the story of Heather Langengkamp who played Nancy in A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) playing a fictionalised version of herself (the actress) playing the character again for a final time, but in the process of filming it (in the fictional world of the film) she begins to be haunted by Freddy Krueger (in both the movie she's filming, and her real life, which is a film). It is meta.

We talk about the fact that it is meta, the essentials of safe playground engineering, and the most selfish act of screenwriting ever committed to on-screen screenwriting. 

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I think the only way to stop him is to make another movie.

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

*Editors note: As with the Home Alone episode, we recorded this in Joe's echoey garage - so it sounds a bit weird. Sorry!*

It's Boxing Day! That can only mean one thing - we find another random Christmas film to cover because there are only really two Die Hard films that are related to Christmas. Why not cover one of the many, many Christmas-themed horror movies, given that we are a horror podcast, I hear you ask? Well, because then we wouldn't be covering the Arnie-led slapstick classic Jingle All The Way.

As you'd expect from a Christmas movie this episode is all about disappointing your family members, poor administrative application, being unable to recognise your husband at a a distance of 5ft, inappropriate handling of suspect packages and whether anyone would really hit on Arnold Schwarzenegger's wife.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: It's Turbo Time!

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

*Editors note: We recorded in Joe's garage for the first time using unfamiliar equipment, so the audio sounds a bit spacier than usual. Apologies!*

It's Christmas! That can only mean one thing - we retread old traditions despite no-one finding the joy in them that we once had. In that spirit, we tackle the unloved, unwanted child of the Home Alone franchise - the made-for-TV Home Alone: The Holiday Heist (2012).

It's lumps of coal for Christmas all round as we unwrap another certifiable stinker - bland family humour, joyless retooling of traps from previous editions and, bafflingly, Malcolm McDowell as the main villain. Pour yourself a mulled wine as your two favourite podcasting Tiny Tims mull, and whine about once again ending up on the podcast naughty list.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I don't care, and I can't hear you.

Look out for another special podcast hitting your feeds on Boxing Day!

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 219...I've had it with these...well, you know the rest.

Snakes on a Plane (2006) tells the story of cool surfer dude Sean who inadvertently witnesses a gangland murder and winds up under the protection of FBI agent Flynn. Can Flynn get Sean back to Los Angeles to testify, or will the nefarious Eddie Kim try and kill Sean before he arrives - maybe by, I don't know, filling the entire plane with horny snakes?

We flick our forked tongues over a B-movie with a Hollywood budget, Joe questions Samuel L Jackson's acting legacy and we ask whether it's possible there might just have been a simpler solution for Eddie Kim's problem than filling a jumbo jet with snakes?

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Time is tissue.

Next week, it's Christmas time, and on that can only mean one thing...

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 218...and they made some mess too. Smashing into buildings and everything. They always make a mess.

The Birds (1963) tells the story of some birds who, sick and tired of having the unfettered freedom of the skies, wish to rise up and attack the land-dwelling human population too. So, they migrate, only this time, they're migrating straight into your eyes, beaks-first, and there's not a damn thing you, me, Mitch or poor Melanie Daniels can do about it.

We discuss one of the all-time classics of the horror genre - does it stand up after all these years? More importantly, does it walk on two taloned feet? Does it dive at you as you're filling your car with petrol and, most importantly, does it lurk behind you in the school playground as you're innocently having your tenth cigarette of the morning waiting at the school where your beau's ex-lover works to check on your beau's younger sister at the behest of your beau's mother? Plus, we ask which weapon is best for killing birds - a baseball bat or a tennis racket? Also, should you stalk a man you barely know for the sake of a prank? All this, and many more Hitchcock impressions than you could ever want or need.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The very concept is unimaginable. Why, if that happened, we wouldn't have a chance!

Next week, we continue 'Animals in Films' season with the oft-requested and long-awaited Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 217...how dare you disobey your mother?!

Coraline (2009) tells the story of Coraline (duh), a precocious and bored 11-year old girl who discovers an alternate world hidden through a tunnel in her house, where everything is exactly as it seems and it's all fine and there's nothing at all to worry about, the end. Except for rats, bats, button-eyes, and the nefarious Other Mother.

We ask whether animated 'horror' can ever be scary, if body-free body horror exists, Joe proposes a baseball bat-shaped solution to Coraline's woes, and we delve into the murky world of MK-Ultra with the help of a spurious conspiracy theory website.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Now you're going to stay here forever.

Next week, you'll be flocking back to the podcast for the start of 'Animals in Films' season with an all-time classic: Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds (1963).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 216...and I’m running away from myself, I guess.

Doctor Sleep (2019) is Mike Flanagan's sequel to Stanley Kubrick's adaptation of Stephen King's The Shining, but also an adaptation of Stephen King's Doctor Sleep, itself a sequel to Stephen King's The Shining, but one that disavows the changes made by Stanley Kubrick's The Shining, changes that Mike Flanagan reinstates in his Doctor Sleep, in order to serve as a sequel to both The Shining and The Shining. Confused? Surprisingly, you won't be, as it's one of the best horror movies of the year.

Here's Joey and Chris to discuss, all the film's various Abras and kadabras, astral projections and Overlooks, confirm why you should always wear your seatbelt no matter how many centuries old you are, and most importantly, ask how on Earth they managed to make what is a quite excellent film against all the odds. 

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The world is a hungry place, and a dark place.

Next week, it's Animated Horror season for one week only, with the oft-requested Coraline (2009).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 215...and break, my heart, for I must hold my tongue.

Hamlet (1996) tells the story of Prince Hamlet. After his father dies in a suspicious orchard accident, Hamlet struggles to adjust to life with his uncle as his new stepdad. The same uncle is also the king now, and everyone is feeling very guilty, and before long Hamlet kills someone by accident, and then a bunch of other people die. It's four hours long

We discuss rotten happenings in the state of Branagh, give advice to the King on how to better hide your guilt or otherwise replicate a successful crime, and ask if this is the most expensive vanity project ever?

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Hide fox and all after!

Next week, it's four hours of fun with Kenneth Branagh and Hamlet (1996).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 214...and don't let 'I dare not' wait upon 'I would'

Macbeth (2015) tells the story of Macbeth. After hearing from some witches that he will be king, Macbeth decides to take matters into his own hands to move things along. Assisted by his wife, they kill the current king - but not everyone is happy about it. In fact nobody is happy about it. Especially Macbeth.

This is one of the most visually spectacular movies you'll ever see, and we discuss its merits as an adaptation; it's use as a teaching aid; and compare it with other versions. Alongside some tips in guilt management, you'll hear our thoughts on keeping a cool head during a crime; and keeping the central heating bill down.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Was the hope drunk,
Wherein you dress'd yourself? 

Next week, it's four hours of fun with Kenneth Branagh and Hamlet (1996).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 213...and two days ago, I had this nice simple life. And now it’s a nightmare.

Terminator: Dark Fate (2019) is the latest entry in the increasingly unloved and unwanted Terminator franchise, but with Tim Miller of Deadpool fame at the helm and with ol' Jimmy Cameron lurking in the background, can Arnie and Linda Hamilton wrestle the series back into shape? 

This latest entry follows Dani, who's quiet life is torn apart by the sudden arrival of Grace, an enhanced super-soldier from an unknown apocalyptic future, who seeks to save her from the relentless and cunning REV-9.

We pick apart this surprisingly high-quality entry into the Terminator canon, pull back the curtain on Carl - the best creative decision since casting Arnie in the first film, ask if Hamilton is hammy or HAM, and wonder aloud what happens to all the other purposeless inter-dimensional time orphan robot assassins?

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I can see you’re very upset.

Next week it's back to the year 1606 (or 2015) with Justin Kurzel's incredible Macbeth.

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

Hello.

Because of various administrative issues, neither me or Joe were free to record our scheduled episode of the podcast this week - the long-awaited and keenly anticipated Terminator: Dark Fate episode will be next week instead.

But in the meantime, I hope you enjoy this selection of messages from our Mailbag podcasts which, until this compilation, has been a Patron-exclusive.

If you like what you hear, why not head over to Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod to check out our weekly Mailbag episodes, and our bonus episodes covering films chosen by our patrons.

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 212...and all I have Joe has are negative thoughts.

Joker (2019) reimagines the iconic DC supervillain as the pitiful Arthur Fleck, clown-for-hire and aspiring stand-up comedian. Life is hard for the downtrodden Arthur as he struggles to make his mark against the backdrop of a Gotham City on the brink of chaos. Could a kindly neighbour, a shot at stardom and the identity of his absent father all prove a ray of hope for Arthur? Or, instead, will they precipitate his spiral into violent mania as the world begins to burn.

We talk about Joaquin and wackos, denial and De Niro, zany scores and Scorsese, and ask if Joker is a dangerous film, if it's the best film of 2019 and if will it lead to the violent uprising some fear.

Plus can you or can you not joke about anything these days?

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I had a bad day.

Next week it's what will surely prove to be the film of 2019: Terminator: Dark Fate.

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 211...and he's a monster. Pure psychopath. So rare to capture one alive. From a research point of view, Lecter is our most prized asset.

The Silence of the Lambs (1991) follows Clarice Starling on her quest to thwart flaying serial killer Buffalo Bill. To gain insight on psychopathic murderers, Starling is sent to interview Hannibal 'the Cannibal' Lecter, a convicted cannibalistic serial killer. But will her tricky assignment land her in more danger than she realises?

We discuss if the five Academy Award winning crime thriller classic is, in fact, slightly overrated, whether Hopkins' Hannibal is more pantomime than pant-filling, and offer advice to paramedics, deranged killers and Miggs.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You forgot the power glove

Next week: will Todd Phillip's super-villain origin story put a smile on our face? It's Joker (2019)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 210... and these are ancient dream demons. Supposedly they roam the dreams of the living till they find the most evil, twisted human imaginable. Then they give him the power to cross the line and turn our nightmares into reality.

Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991) tells the story of John Doe (no really), a young man who is used as bait to lure Freddy Krueger's child back to Springwood, so that Freddy can leave Springwood. Make sense? Well don't worry, I've seen the movie and I'm still scratching my head.

We'll hear from one of the world's greatest living fighters (currently recovering from a career threatening injury) who has some top fighting tips for Freddy; we also consider safe storage of guns, throwing stars and dynamite in a children's refuge; and we advise brutal simplicity of thought in hatching any nefarious plan.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You forgot the power glove

Next week: it downloads the podcast, or else it gets the hose again. It's The Silence of the Lambs (1991).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 209... and I was just entering, and I was nervous and excited, and I saw you. My hero...

The Perfection (2019) tells the story of Charlotte, who has returned to the world of top-tier cello playing after a ten year absence. Charlotte had been caring for her mother who has now died, and appears to seek revenge on Lizzie, the cellist who replaced her as the favourite student of the cello academy owners.

We advise everyone to always take the opportunity to take a trip around rural china; to start off small rather than going straight for dismemberment; and organising talent competitions so that you can hear all competitors.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: If I move, I'll shit.

Next week, we're not back on Elm Street, but the nightmare continues anyway: Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare (1991).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 208... this meeting of the Losers Club has officially begun.

It: Chapter 2 (2019) tells the story of the kids from the first movie. 27 years have passed and they've grown up, and they've forgotten about the events of the first film! But when they return to Derry, they're soon reminded and take on Pennywise again with renewed vigour.

We advise on the dangers of playing with your food; the merits of moving away from your home town; and not standing around admiring the pass.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You should cut that fucking mullet. It's been, like, thirty years, man.

Next week, it's time for some 'Netflix and cello' with The Perfection (2019)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 208...it's started. You better brace yourself.

The Wailing (2016) tells the story of Jong-goo, a police chief investigating a series of grisly murders in rural Korea. The murders are apparently linked to a mysterious disease afflicting the local population, and some believe the cause to be a strange Japanese man who has moved to the area. It's one of the most captivating films we've covered in some time.

We talk sins, shame, shamans and charlatans, wonder how to spot the Devil and whether you should take him on one-on-one, discuss bodily fluids and genre fluidity, and ask the burning question at the heart of The Wailing - what exactly is going on?

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Not everything that moves, breathes, and talks is alive.

Next week, it's time we head back to Derry in the year's biggest horror film: It: Chapter 2 (2019)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 207...I'm gonna start beating the shit out of you in the next five seconds, and you're gonna swallow a lot of blood for a fucking billfold!

The Grey (2011) sees Liam Neeson walking the tundra, cosh in hand, looking for the first wolf bastard he can get his hands on. You see, his friend was the victim of a plane crash, and she dealt with it in the most extraordinary way, but his immediate reaction was...did she know who it was? No. What colour were they? She said it was a wolf. 

It's a packed show as we ask if the film is the victim of the most misguided marketing campaign ever, the importance of looking before leaping, give advice on the best time for a big scrap with a wolfpack, hear from a pilot as to the realism of the film's plane crash and a listener sends in some much-needed weeing advice.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I gotta a book! It's called "We're all fucked"! It's a best seller.

Next week, it's another listener suggestion with The Wailing (2016), available on Netflix in the UK.

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 205...and I couldn't do anything. I tried to go back. She was already gone. She was already gone.

28 Weeks Later (2007) (or 196 Days Later (732555) if you're a traditionalist) is the follow-up to Danny Boyle's seminal London-set apocalyptic horror. But with Danny absent can the sequel live up to the first film's weighty reputation?

We discuss a post-pandemic city that's gone to the (Isle of) Dogs, debate Don's desperate decision-making, deride terrible guard detailing and comb through perhaps the worst possible route from Regent's Park to Wembley Stadium in any situation.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: This is the worst combat I've ever seen. Where's the combat?

Next week, Liam's out to find the first wolf bastard he can get his hands on in Joe Carnahan's The Grey (2011)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 204...and it has been established that persons who have recently died have been returning to life and committing acts of murder. 

Night of the Living Dead (1968) is one of the all-time classics of horror cinema, and sets out much of what we now know and love about the zombie genre - an apocalypse without apparent cause, a not-so-safe place to hole up, ordinary folk in extraordinary circumstances and the nightmareish horde of the undead.

We take a big old bite out of a Romero classic, talk hysterical women, racist men, the importance of making your presence known and why, in the 1960s Southern United States that might not be such a good idea after all...

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: They're dead. They're all messed up.

Next week, we're back in London for a bite to eat: 28 Weeks Later (2007)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 203...and please stop calling me 'Father'

Signs (2002) tells the story of Graham Hess, a former pastor who lost his faith when his wife was killed in a tragic accident. Now Graham looks after his children and runs a small farm with his brother. All is fine, until crop circles appear - followed by several other symptoms of an alien invasion. 

We talk about swinging away without needing to be prompted; the benefits of hazmat suits when exploring an alien territory; and the merits of staying in the ship when there's no clear reason to get out of it.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: They have women's high-jumping in the Olympics. They've got these Scandinavian women who could jump clean over me.

Next week, we're stumbling around looking for brains: zombie season kicks off with Night of the Living Dead (1968).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 202...and look at my face; I was not thinking anything bad about you. 

The Sixth Sense (1999) tells the story of this person named Malcolm. He worked with children. He loved it. He loved it more than anything else. And then one night, he found out that he made a mistake with one of them. He couldn't help that one. And he can't stop thinking about it, he can't forget. Ever since then, things have been different. He's not the same person that he used to be. And his wife doesn't like the person that he's become. They barely speak anymore, they're like strangers. And then one day Malcolm meets this wonderful little boy, a really cool little boy. Reminds him a lot of the other one. And Malcolm decides to try and help this new boy. 'Cause he feels that if he can help this new boy, it would be like helping that other one too.

We talk about the most famous twist in cinema history; hand out some top helmet safety tips; and weigh in with some advice for a team of medical practitioners. 

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: De profundis clamo ad te, domine. Out of the depths, I cry to you, O lord.

Next week, 'Good M. Night' season continues apace with Signs (2002).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 201...and don’t forget about all of the beautiful Swedish women you’ll meet in June.

Midsommar (2019) tells the story of Dani, who suffers a family tragedy and throws herself into a trip to a Swedish midsummer festival in an attempt to work through her grief. She's joining her boyfriend Christian and his friends, but is this quaint paradise all it seems, and what do the mysterious Harga cult have in store for the group?

Things get heated as we chew through Ari Aster's Hereditary follow-up, let the bear of cultural relativism out of its cage and debate the merits of cliff/hammer-related rituals. Is Midsommar just The Wicker Man for woke millennials, or is there more to its pulsating, undulating, hallucinatory visuals than meets the pulsating, undulating, hallucinating eye.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: this opens you up to the influence, and it breaks down your defenses. Trust me. Alright? You will love it.

Next week, we begin 'Good Shyamalan' season with his classic The Sixth Sense (1999) 

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is on Patreon! Support us at Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod 

It's episode 200...and don't ask me to take a Jacuzzi with that guy again.

A Nightmare on Elm Street: The Dream Child (1989) sees Alice and Dan (how could you forget them?) getting their lives back on track and graduating high school. All seems well until Alice begins being plagued with strange dreams and, before you know it, her friends are dropping dead in their sleep - often with bloody results.

We talk about one of the more interesting NOES sequels so far, revel in a real cinematic A-ha moment, question whether there's a better way to run an asylum and look back on the past 199 episodes with Chris' Anniversary Quiz.

Oh, and there's one or two life-changing announcements along the way too.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: if anybody's trying to hurt you, supernatural or not, they're going to have to go through us first.

Next week, it's the feel-good film of the summer - Ari Aster's Midsommar (2019).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

How to Survive is now on Patreon! If you like the show and want to support us, head over to Patreon.com/HowtoSurvivePod, where you'll find bonus episodes and the opportunity to join our community and help fund more podcasts and videos.

If you can't or don't want to support us - that's fine! Thank you for subscribing, you'll still get your weekly episodes here as per usual.

As ever, thank you for all your support - we'll stop doing it when you stop laughing.

Do you want the good news or the bad news?

The bad news is this week is a re-broadcast.

The good news is it's Cannibal Holocaust. I suppose that's actually bad news too on balance, but that's life. Can't win them all.

Cannibal Holocaust (1980) tells the story of Harold Monroe, a sociologist sent into the Amazonian rainforest to find out what happened to a missing documentary crew. Cannibal Holocaust is honestly a terrible film. Don't bother watching it. I'm not even sure why we watched it. I think someone asked us to cover it once in an email or a tweet but I can't remember. In many ways I can't remember anything before I watched Cannibal Holocaust, but I can remember feeling happiness and joy and a lust for life in general that is now sadly absent from my hollow shell of an existence.

Cannibal Holocaust has, in a very real sense, sapped the lifeforce from me in a manner that I'm not sure will ever be reversed. Maybe I wouldn't even want it to be reversed. Maybe this feeling of cosmic emptiness is a kind of punishment for watching it. If it is then I welcome it. I am forever scarred. I am forever a lesser person for having seen Cannibal Holocaust.

Don't watch it - it's not worth it. Just listen to the podcast instead.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Things like this happen all the time in the jungle; it's survival of the fittest!

It's episode 199...and they cut off his bowling fingers...

Tucker and Dale vs. Evil (2010) tells the story of Tucker and Dale, two country-folk and close friends who head into the woods to fix up Tucker's new country retreat. Unfortunately, they are mistaken for psychopathic murderers by a group of college students who are camping near-by, and hilarity ensues.

We talk about the basics of putting up a load-bearing pillar; the benefits of avoiding being 'generally clumsy'; and the absolute essential nature of entering bodies of water at the waterline. 

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: when you see a college girl prancing around half naked, you do not call out my name!

Next week, Freddy's back in Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (1989).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 198...and there's a girl in the garden.

Shaun of the Dead (2004) tells the story of down-on-his-luck Shaun. Dumped by his girlfriend Liz, stuck in a dead-end job and nursing a testy relationship with his step-father - he's desperate to turn his life around. Can he Go Round Mum's, Get Liz Back, and Sort (his) Life Out? Oh, and, there's a zombie apocalypse happening all around him.

We talk about the place that does all the fish, mull over the lack of options for smokers in public places in the modern world, chew over the best practice for bite wounds and share stories of misbehaving children being chased around gardens by adults wielding bits of wood.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: the front door is open...AGAIN.

Next week, Comedy Horror season continues with Tucker & Dale vs. Evil (2010)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 195...and I'll never leave you alone again.

Dark Water (2002) tells the story of Yoshimi, a lady going through a messy divorce and custody battle for her daughter Ikuko. Their new apartment is far from ideal: there's a leaking ceiling, a surly building attendant, and there may or may not be the vengeful spirit of a dead child to deal with.

J-Horror Season continues and concludes with this unsung star of the horror genre. We talk about the benefits of living like a prepper; we compare other 'sad horror' movies; and discuss why wraith-like girls drenched in water keep cropping up in movies.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: There's a wet spot on my ceiling, and water dripping down from it.

Next week, it's Comedy Horror season with Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 195...and thank you for the effort.

Ju-on: The Grudge (2002) tells the story of a brutal murder, a deadly curse and a house so haunted it stays with you wherever you go. We follow many different visitors to the deadly Saeki house - can any of them solve the mystery and - more importantly - will any of them survive?

We kick off J-Horror season with somewhat of an ugly duckling, but an influential and creative ugly duckling nonetheless. We discuss Onryō, ask whether J-Horror is often scarier than Western horror, and delve into Japanese folklore for the one foolproof way of dealing with vengeful ghosts (don't forget your swords and your prayer books).

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Those who encounter it die, and a new curse is born.

Next week, J-Horror season continues with Hideo Nakata's Dark Water (2002)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 194... Jesus, Paul you did a number on my back...

Cabin Fever (2002) tells the story of a group of horror movie teenagers who go to a cabin in the woods to 'party'. Unfortunately, there's an outbreak of a deadly skin eating virus, and the group are soon fighting to survive against the disease, some hillbillies, and each other.

We talk about the importance of a robust personal sexual health system; we give advice to the world's least-travelled hermit; and we discuss the fundamentals of ad-hoc quarantine procedure.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

And the answer? That guy asked for our help and we lit him on fire!

Next week, we're saying konichiwa to Ju-On: The Grude (2002).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 1... and things are finally as they should be!

Chris has been sacked and now Joe hosts the podcast all by himself, and everyone agrees it is much better now. It's goodbye to bad rubbish, as Joe gets to run the show how he wants.

The reviews are more insightful; the jokes are much funnier; and The One True King finally gets to speak his mind.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: No animals were harmed in the making of this podcast!

There's even a secret easter egg for fans of Jurassic Park (1993).

We may or may not return to our regular schedule next week with Cabin Fever (2002).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 193...and that's not a knife... this is a knife!

Wolf Creek (2005) tells the story of Ben, Kristy and Liz; three friends who are travelling around the Australian outback visiting tourist sites. When their car breaks down, they are assisted by Mick, a local hermit who may or may not turn out to be a lunatic who tortures and kills people. You'll just have to watch it to find out.

We talk about the importance of striking out clear boundaries in a negotiation; the cost/benefit of closing the distance when using a ranged weapon; and the importance of bludgeoning a wounded enemy.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

And the answer? Well, I can tell you, but then... I'll have to kill you...

Next week, we're keeping it early 00's grungey horror with Eli Roth's Cabin Fever (2002).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 192...and my friend, you suffer from the misplaced optimism of the doomed

Snowpiercer (2013) tells the story of Curtis and the passengers above the Snowpiercer, a super-train filled with the sole survivors of an accidental man-made ice age. Forced to live as an underclass, Curtis and his peers stage a violent rebellion and begin to fight their way up the train to take control.

We talk about which train guards should carry the guns; the importance of telling your daughter the truth to prevent her becoming a drug addict; and the inherent nuisance of walking through a nightclub whenever you need to be fitted for a new suit.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You've seen what people do without leadership. They devour one another.

Next week, we're down under for Wolf Creek (2005).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 192...and good riddance. Always giving to others instead of to yourself. Why did you live like that? What was the point? What a load of crap.

Train to Busan (2016) tells the story of Seok-Woo, who just wants to take his daughter to visit her mother on her birthday. They board a train in Seoul, bound for Busan, but a zombie outbreak on and around the train causes disruption to their journey...

We talk about the tight-rope walk of deciding whether to stay hidden or fight through zombies; the dangers of texting while driving; and the absolute tragedy of rendering your portable games console importable by keeping it in its box.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: This is the lever and this is the brake... use it only when it's not dangerous, all right?

Next week, Train Season continues with Snowpiercer (2013).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

Before Chris and Joe sat down to record our podcast on As Above, So Below they had a pre-recording chat about Avengers: Endgame and a bit about Game of Thrones (but only up to penultimate episode The Bells). If you're not caught up on the MCU or Game of Thrones, consider this your spoiler warning!

Don't expect huge revelations or insights, but do expect casual discussion of the right and wrong way to undercut fan expectations, being a canon nerd and the impact of Marvel on the film industry as a whole.

We're back with our usual podcast on Wednesday with the brilliant Train to Busan (2016).

It's episode 191...and as I believe the world to be, so it is.

As Above, So Below (2014) tells the story of intrepid historian Scarlett Marlowe who, along with her friend George, documentarian Benji and a trio of Parisian guides, enters the Catacombs under Paris to find the tomb of Nicholas Flamel, and maybe with it the key to eternal life.

We take a descent through Dante's Inferno, have banters eternal, ask ourselves how much prior knowledge of historical literature should be expected for what appears to be a schlocky Hollywood horror, and stress the importance of taking a mental health day when the spectres of your dead relatives appear to be haunting your waking world.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The only way out is down.

Next week, we're going off the rails for the beginning of the long-awaited 'Train Season' - it's Train to Busan (2016)!

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

In a move which is completely out of character, Joe accidentally watched the wrong movie in preparation for this week's show.

As such, we're taking a week away from the studio while he gathers his thoughts, and we're re-releasing our 10th ever episode: Titanic (1997).

Long time fans will love the trip down memory lane. New fans will wonder how we managed to squeeze out another 180 episodes...

Tune in next week for the correct film: As Above, So Below (2014).

It's episode 190...and if the food don't kill you, the service will!

We're back in Elm Street for yet another bout with Freddy in Renny Harlin's A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)! Kristen, Kincaid and Joey (how could we forget?!) return, but with Freddy vanquished at the end of The Dream Warriors, surely a happy ending awaits them all? Surely it won't all go wrong as the result of a dog pissing fire on a grave? Surely?

We talk about baffling nursery rhyme-ex-machinas, roach motels, meta movie editing gags and ask ourselves whether we even care about the the Elm Street lore anyway - and yes, we chat about fire-pissing dogs. Fire-pissing dogs! 

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You can check in...but you can't check out!

Next week, we're going underground in Paris for catacombs horror As Above, So Below (2014)!

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 189...and three months ago, I was cutting grass on my front yard. The mailman shows up with a letter from the army. Now I'm here, and no idea where I'm going to end up.

In Overlord (2018), what should be a straightforward air-invasion of Nazi-occupied France runs into trouble when Private Boyce and his colleagues find a Nazi zombie lab in a church basement. 

We discuss the risks of taking unlabelled medication; the merits of shooting dogs; and we ask whether a movie about mad Nazi-Scientists accidentally creating super-powered zombies pushes the limits of good taste.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Thank you for making me the man I now am

Next week, try to stay awake for A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 188...and we're doing anything to get into the top 50...

It's Cam (2018), which sees Alice's world turned upside down by an imposter on her cam girl channel. The imposter looks and sounds like Alice enough to convince her carefully cultivated audience, but does things Alice would never do. Who or what is behind it?

We talk about the cost/benefit of faking an orgasm on webcam; why the decision to destroy one's own nasal passage shouldn't be taken lightly; and the merits of removing your body from an electrical circuit before turning it on.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: If you get us into the top 10, we'll take all our clothes off.

Next week, it's not a Cloverfield movie, it's Overlord (2018).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 187...and if you wanna get crazy, we can get crazy!

This week Jordan Peele, the new darling of horror cinema, returns with Us (2019). Us tells the story of the Wilsons, a lovely middle-class American family who one night find themselves confronted by menacing doppelgangers. Can they survive, and uncover the wider conspiracy threatening to turn American society on its head?

We unpack the myriad delights of Peele's thematically dense horror movie, confront impossible underground tunnels and chew over rabbit starvation - at least, I think we do. Maybe we've just been posing as podcasters our whole lives...

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: They won't stop until they kill us... or we kill them.

Next week, we're (un)covering Daniel Goldhaber & Isa Mazzei's camgirl horror Cam (2018) available on Netflix. 

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

Hey, it's episode 186, and now you've got to pick up the phone!

Happy Death Day (2017) tells the story of a human called Tree who finds herself in a timeloop. It's her birthday, but someone is out to get her, and every time they do, Tree wakes up and is forced to relive the whole day again.

We discuss the importance of covering your tracks when it comes to murder; the best thing to do when you've got unlimited time on your hands; and Joe's marriage is put to the test by a certain time-travelling actress...

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Would you stop looking at me like I just took a dump on your mom's head? 

Next week, who are the best podcast hosts around?. It's Us (2019)

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 184, and we're on the continent for feel-good French fun...

Martyrs (2008) tells the story of Lucie, a young girl who is kidnapped and tortured as a child, but is able to escape. Years later, she seeks revenge on her kidnappers, but she (along with her friend Anna) get more than they bargain for...

We discuss the worst helmet design of any experiment ever; the sheer arrogance of undertaking massive medical procedures yourself; and the very clear need for surgeons to wear gloves when handing out savage beatings.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Martyrs are exceptional people...

Next week, French Extremism / Revenge season continues with Revenge (2018).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 183, and our memories are filled with every f*ck-up we've ever made.

Upgrade (2018) tells the story of Grey, a mechanic who has his spine severed in a brutal mugging, in which his wife is killed. Now paralysed from the neck down, Grey is offered the chance to walk again when a shady tech wizard offers him a computer chip which can control his body. STEM is implanted, and Grey can walk again - but was it a bad idea to hand over control of his body to an artificial intelligence? (...Yes)

We discuss the high risk, low reward of installing a shotgun in your arm; the importance of installing alarms in your opium den; and the best time to play your nanobot trump card.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I cannot allow us to be killed.

Next week, it's French Extremism / Revenge season with Martyrs (2008).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 182, and if anyone tries to stop me, the old geezer gets it!

RoboCop (1987) is the story of Alex Murphy, a police officer in dystopian Detroit who gets shot to bits by thugs and rebuilt as a part-man, part-machine enforcer. He's supposed to keep the peace, but does OCP, the shady corporation who built him, have an ulterior motive? Yes. Yes they do.

We discuss the importance of iterative design, the faulty logic of kicking the groin of a metallic man, and why it should be less Cop and more Robo when it comes to designing your perfect cyborg enforcer.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Dead or alive, you're coming with me!

Next week, it's we continue Cyber-Modification-Body-Horror season with Leigh Whannel's splatter-tastic Upgrade! (2018).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 181, and we are the things that were and shall be again!

Evil Dead II (1987) is  Sam Raimi's cult classic follow-up to cult classic The Evil Dead (1981), and like all good sequels it doubles down on the splatter, chainsaws, and eyebrow-raising violence, once again starring the best eyebrow-raiser in the business: Bruce Campbell!

We talk about maintaining basic sanitation in a remote, demon-plagued cabin; whether Raimi's style leaves us too busy laughing to ever be scared; and most importantly of all we discuss which power tools would make for the best prosthetic limbs in day-to-day life.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: He has fallen from the sky to save us from the deadites, he's a hero!

Next week, it's the start of Cyber-Modification-Body-Horror season with action classic Robocop! (1987).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 180, and good night darling. Say your prayers. Oh, by the way, your dad and I just torched some maniac last night.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987) tells the story of Kristen, a young girl who is haunted by a marauding maniac in her dreams. That maniac is Freddy Krueger - and when she is placed in a psychiatric home for teenagers, she realises all of the other patients are also haunted by Freddy. Luckily, the main one from the original movie is now a dream doctor and she can help them out. No, really.

We talk about sartorial responsibility at funerals; the ultimate guide to lucid dreaming whenever you want to; and we try to get to grips on a franchise which has already spun wildly out of control. 

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: There will be no repeat occurrences of last night's events. From now on your doors will be locked during sleeping hours. We'll start a policy of evening sedation for everybody.

Next week, more franchise fun with Evil Dead 2 (1987).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 179, and our mission is simple. We go in, and we take him out!

The Raid (2011) aka The Raid: Redemption follows Rama, a member of a Jakarta Special Forces squad who embark on an ill-fated assault on a drug lord's compound. Twists and turns (of limbs) ensue, as well as punches, kicks, stabbings, shootings, bottlings, bannisterings, bulbings and defenestrations in one of the bloodiest and bloody-brilliant-est films we've ever covered.

We talk about martial arts, musicals and Mad Dogs, why you should never antagonise a man with a gun who has a gun to your head (that's a fairly obvious one), and Joe reveals why, in the life and death game of Tekken, there's only one motto to remember: invite them to dinner, and feed them.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: They'll come here. They'll tear this place to the ground.

Next week, we're back on our franchise bullshit with A Nightmare on Elm Street 3: Dream Warriors (1987)

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 178, and there is nothing we can hold onto in this world. Only by letting go can we truly possess what is real.

Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000) tells the story of Li Mu Bai, a fearsome warrior with 'last day on the job' syndrome, and Yu Shu Lien, another fearsome warrior who is in love with him. Before they can retire and live out their lives together, they must deal with Jen Yu, another fearsome warrior who is the daughter of a local official and Jade Fox, another fearsome warrior who killed Li Mu Bai's master (another fearsome warrior) and is now hiding as Jen's servant.

We talk about one of the most compelling visions for an action movie ever; a potted history of wuxia; and the benefits of a chainmail snood.

All of which leads to one important question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: No growth without assistance. No action without reaction. No desire without restraint. Now give yourself up and find yourself again.

Next week, we're fighting our way through The Raid (2011).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

As a special bonus: a movie which wasn't worth a full episode.

Did Glass (2018) live up to the hype?

We talk about disappointments; missed opportunities; and a masterclass in turning interesting ideas into unadulterated boredom.

All of which leads to one question:

How would you survive?

Get in touch with your thoughts: Howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

And we'll see you on Wednesday for Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000).

It's episode 177, and all I know is that the boy was my charge. And if he was not the word of God. Then God never spoke.

The Road (2009) paints a harrowing picture of a ruined world following some kind of unknown cataclysm. A man and his boy journey South, hoping in vain to find warmth, food and shelter, but must brave the elements, fellow survivors and even cannibals along the way.

We talk about the most distressing vision of the future we've covered so far on the podcast with cannibals, calderas, and everything in-between, and strap in for the most miserable quiz around.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You look at him again, I'll shoot you in the head.

Next week, we flying kick our way into martial arts movies with Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 176, and that's something you can't unsee.

Bird Box (2019) paints a post-apocalyptic world in which the mere sight of a mysterious supernatural entity causes people to die by suicide. Can Malorie, alongside her creatively named children 'Boy' and 'Girl', survive a harrowing 48 hour trip downriver in a raft, remaining blindfolded the entire time?

Blindfolds at the ready as we discuss the vogue of sensory deprivation horror, the vagueries of Bird Box's world, the one time of day it makes sense to be blindfolded and the most important item to remember when embarking on a treacherous, water-based trip. Can you guess what it is? Joe couldn't.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.

Next week, we're going on another miserable journey down The Road (2009).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 175, and you're just a freak in a cheap suit.

The Dark Knight (2008) tells the story of Bruce Wayne, aka Batman, aka The Dark Knight, aka The Caped Crusader as he teams up with Gotham's new District Attorney, Harvey Dent, to take on The Joker. Will they stop him before his diabolical plan is realised?

We talk about human resourcing in major city police departments; the dangers of over-reliance on technology; and the strangest dinner party exchange in any movie ever (which wasn't in this one).

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You either die a hero or live long enough to see yourself become the villain.

Next week, keep an eye out for Bird Box (2018).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 174, and am I not supposed to have what I want, what I need? What am I supposed to do?.

Spider-Man 2 (2004) tells the story of Peter Parker as he adjusts to life as a young adult. Pete is stretched thin, burning the candle at both ends to keep up with the demands of studying, delivering pizzas, and being Spider-Man. Something has to give - and something needs to be done about the dreaded Dr. Octopus - New York's newest supervillain.

We talk about the best setting for nuclear experimentation; the risks of throwing cars first and asking questions later; and we ask: who would make a better life partner - a rich, handsome astronaut who is the son of a newspaper mogul, or an unemployed, broke student who appears to have no interest in you?

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Now you know the truth about Peter, Avenge me... AVENGE ME!

Let's put a smile on that face... next week it's The Dark Knight (2008).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

Christmas may be over, but festive fever is still high at the How to Survive podcast. All together now: Download podcast, sesame.

We're back once again, tackling our favourite movie series ever - one which is fast becoming a true horror franchise. It's Home Alone 4: Taking Back the House (2002).

We talk about all the very slight problems of the film: Casting, costuming, scripting, cinematography, editing, pacing and much much more. And of course, the many positives of the movie too (you'll just have to listen to the show to hear about those).

After all that, for one final time this year, we ask: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The trouble with sports cars, there's no room for anybody else maybe one other person max. But if you want to take a real road trip luggage and all you don’t even have room for a friend I mean there cool and fast and all but who wants to be in a nice car when you're alone all.

See you next week for Spider-Man 2 (2004). 

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's the most wonderful time of the year, and that can only mean one thing - a bonus episode of How to Survive about a woefully inappropriate family-friendly Christmas film!

This year we're donning our red and white hats and letting Rudolph guide our way through The Santa Clause, the 1994 classic family Christmas romp with an immensely sinister undertone of magical indentured servitude which robs hapless individuals of their lives in exchange for years of thankless service followed by total dematerialisation.

There'll be podcasts for hosting and films to be roasting from Christmasses long, long ago and, of course, an exhaustive discussion of the ways in which The Santa Clause actually has an awful lot in common with Schindler's List.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! And when I wake up, I'm gettin' a CAT scan!

Look out for a special podcast on Boxing Day in which we watch the worst film ever made so you don't have to: Home Alone 4: Taking Back The House.

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 173, and you could be brilliant, but you're a coward.

Black Swan tells the story of amitious but anxious prima ballerina Nina, who is preparing for the dual starring roles in a revolutionary production of Swan Lake. But as the stress of her impending performance takes its toll, Nina's psychological demons come to the fore.

We talk about the subjective vs. the objective, unpack the best depictions of mental health crises in cinema, cringe over the most overbearing of overbearing mothers, and Joe dishes out some well-researched advice to anyone looking to loosen up a bit.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: This role's destroying you.

Next week, ITTT'SSS CHRRRRIISSSSTTTTMAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSS

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 172b, and we need guilt, Doctor. And shame. But not yours.

As with the original, Suspiria (2018) tells the story of Susie Bannion, a young woman who joins a German dance school. Are the teachers of the school witches? Yes. Will the movie become increasingly and unrelentingly bizarre? You betcha.

We talk about Tilda Swinton in the roles of a lifetime; the importance of understanding cause and effect; and the importance of timing your accusations of witchcraft.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: This isn't vanity! This is art!

Next week, dance season draws to a close with Darren Aronofsky's 2010 classic Black Swan. 

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 172a, and we must get rid of that bitch of an American girl. Vanish! She must vanish! Make her disappear! Understand? Vanish, she must vanish!

Suspiria (1977) is the story of Suzy Bannion, a new student at the prestigious Tanz Dance Academy, Munich who begins to suspect that something is amiss following the brutal murders of several students, all of whom suspected the teachers were witches. But are they really witches? Yes. They are witches.

We talk about Giallo, Argento, looking before you leap and weigh up the pros and cons of appropriate footwear for sneaking about when you're in a universe that is all about style.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: He's felt very handsome ever since he got those false teeth.

Look out for How to Survive: Suspiria (2018), out later today!

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 171 and this is for all you new people: I have only one rule. Everybody fights, no one quits. If you don't do your job, I'll kill you myself! Welcome to the Roughnecks!

Starship Troopers (1997) is the story of Johnny Rico and his friends, who graduate from high school and immediately join earth's galactic military in order to wage war on a foreign planet inhabited by gigantic insects.

We talk about securing the right tools for the job; remind ourselves of the basics of gun safety; and reflect on the dangers of a battlefield romance.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I need a corporal. You're it, until you're dead or I find someone better.

Next week, a delightful double with Suspiria (1977) and Suspiria (2018).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 170 and my dad thinks I'm on drugs. My mom thinks I'm crazy. And, you know, at this point, I don't know if I don't disagree with her.

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985) tells the story of Jesse, a young man who moves into the home previously occupied by the victim of A Nightmare on Elm Street. He is haunted by Freddy Krueger in his dreams - and compelled to murder on his behalf. Will he be able to overcome Freddy's manipulation?

We talk about bad parenting, bad policing and (very) bad feng shui.

All of which leads to one important question: How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: If I start to act weird, or start dreaming weird, or try to walk out of here, you gotta stop me. I don't care if you have to hit me over the head, just don't let me leave. And... don't fall asleep.

Next week, it's listener's choice: Starship Troopers (1997).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 169 and the promise of the Divine is but an illusion. Nothing in this world is pure... except for the How to Survive podcast.

Apostle (2018) tells the story of Thomas. Called upon to rescue his sister from a religious cult on a Welsh island, Thomas gets more than he bargained for when the cult's rituals appear to hide a terrifying secret.

We talk about thorough investigative measures; terrible contraception advice; the importance of stealth in an assassination.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I fear our Lord no longer hears my podcast. Yet still, I pray for your download... for my savior. Please bring me home. Your beloved daughter...

Next week, our franchise run continues with Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy's Revenge (1985).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

The Final Destination franchise is a staple for horror movie fans. Despite having no clear antagonist, the threat of an inescapable and horrifically violent demise kept audiences glued to their seats for over a decade.

The franchise is often requested by listeners, and Chris and Joe felt it was finally time to board the proverbial plane; pull out into the proverbial traffic; keep their hands and feet inside the proverbial vehicle; attend the proverbial Nascar event; and... get caught in the proverbial bridge collapse...? (That will have to do).

In this special bonus episode Chris and Joe talk through their experience of watching all 5 movies for the second How to Survive Marathon Video. Though they talk through all the burns, cuts, scrapes, crushes, explosions and eye-ball pops that you'll ever need to hear about.

All of which leads to one question...

Why haven't you watched it yet?

Watch the full video now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7pN00FFtB40

It's episode 168 and what happened here, happened to me.

Hold the Dark (2018) tells the story of Russell - an expert in wolves. Russell is summoned to Alaska to investigate some wolves who have been taking children - and ends up in the middle of something nobody could have seen coming.

We talk about the risks of being instantly boiled to death; the importance of choosing your suppliers wisely, and equally the importance of questioning a brief.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Your daddy wanted wolf's oil - for you. Do you know that? He said you was "unnatural." That was his word. Unnatural.

Next week, Gareth Evans' 2018 laugh-fest Apostle, which is available on Netflix.

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 167 and that was my favourite shirt!

Mandy (2018) tells the story of Red and Mandy - lovers who have moved into the wilderness to live in the comfort of each other's company. All that is thrown into disarray when a passing cult leader becomes infatuated with Mandy - and what happens next has to be seen to be believed...

We talk about bringing a gun to a chainsaw fight; spotting drug misuse in the people around you; and the benefits of making sure vengeful people can't enact their revenge.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You're just meat. Without a soul, without a brain, without anything. Animal. You, you have no spirit- everlasting! No, no radiant light! I possess elucidations you will never know!.

Next week, Jeremy Saulnier's 2018 Werewolf movie 'Hold the Dark', which is available on Netflix.

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 166 and our favourite time of the year...

Halloween (2018) is the story of Laurie and Michael Myers, set 40 years after their first encounter in the movie of the same name in 1978. Laurie has spent the intervening decades stockpiling weapons and ruining her relationship with her daughter and granddaughter - but all of that is turned upside down when Michael Myers escapes from prison and returns to Hadonfied...

We talk about the most boring villain in movie history; the importance of screening for staff in your hospital; and the risks of laying down deep roots in a town which has nothing to offer you  

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Happy Halloween, Michael. .

Next week, its headspinning art-house horror with Mandy (2018)  

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 165 and it's probably a glitch...

Unfriended (2014) tells the story of a group of friends who are Skyping, instant messaging, texting, Facebooking, emailing and Instagramming each other one evening - when all of a sudden all of those messaging platforms appear to become haunted by the spirit of their dead schoolfriend.

Is it a glitch? A hacker? Or are they really being haunted over the internet from beyond the grave?

We talk about the difficulties of sympathising with the world's worst collection of people; the benefits and limitations of shooting an entire movie over Skype; and there's never been a better reason to turn off your computer and go outside.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: listen sweetheart you're a f**king asshole and if you don't download right now, I'll come over there and knock the trash out of your ears.

Next week, it's the spookiest day of the year in Halloween (2018)

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 164 and if you dislike workplace disputes, don't apply to work at Belko.

The Belko Experiment (2016) tells the story of Mike Milch, who works for international corporation 'Belko' in its Colombia office. One day, the doors and windows are sealed shut, and the employees are ordered to kill each other or be killed themselves. The Belko Experiment has begun...

We talk about passive resistance against in a Total War scenario; the importance of picking your fights wisely; and we enjoy a lively debate about the best piece of office equipment to use to kill your colleagues.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: HR will have a field day with this one.

Next week, we'll be Skyping in for Unfriended (2014).

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 163 and we're paell-ing on the gore in possibly the best found-footage film ever made!

REC (2007) follows news reporter Angela, and her cameraman Pablo, as they follow Barcelona firemen on a routine night of work. What could possibly go wrong? Oh, just hordes of the rabid undead and heinous religious abuse.

We talk Spanish history, the best splat sound in horror history and the benefits of a little bit of health & safety planning.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: If this is a pain in the ass, just cut, okay?

Next week it's The Belko Experiment (2017), which is available on Netflix!

Get in touch!
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 162... and maybe the best horror sequel ever...

This week, Creep 2 (2017), in which another videographer is drawn into the path of Josef. Josef now calls himself Aaron, and this time he's hoping to collaborate with Sara. Will Sara's desire to make an interesting YouTube video cause her to become ensnared in Aaron's trap - or will she turn the tables?

We talk about sensible knife-holstering; un-sensible view finder positioning; and why a professional approach to editing and Video SEO is always encouraged.

Whatever happens, one things for sure: Sara loves her juicy fruit. And Aaron loves to kill.

Next week, we say Hola to Rec (2007)

Get in touch! 
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 161... and in space... no-one can hear you snore...

This week, Alien³ (1992), David Fincher's first movie, as 'We love franchises' season wraps up.

Alien³ tells the story of Ellen Ripley who, having survived the events of Aliens, now has to fight another Alien (which also somehow survived). This time the showdown is on a planet inhabited by a band of all-male space prisoners who haven't seen a woman in years, and don't have any weaponry to speak of.

We talk about the common-sense fortification; common-sense surgical hygiene; and a common-sense approach to guardpost staffing.

Whatever happens, one things for sure: In an insane world, a sane man must appear insane.

Next week, we return to our great love, Found Footage, with Creep 2 (2017).

Get in touch! 
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 160... and I've heated up some warm milk for you, honey.

This week we're kicking off our latest franchise: A Nightmare on Elm Street.

You may remember us covering A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984) way back in episode 7 - but don't worry, we're revisiting it with fresh eyes nearly three years on - ready to kick off the latest How to Survive Franchise. Strap in for 90 weeks of excitement!

We talk about the correct handling of evidence both before and after a trial (and subsequent vigilante justice); a thoroughly researched foray into ways to achieve dreamless sleep; and why you shouldn't trust the world's dreamiest ride-share route.

Whatever happens, one things for sure: Oh god, I look 20 years old!

Next week, 'We Love Franchises Season' continues apace in space, with Alien³.

Get in touch! 
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 159... and I will not be threatened by a walking meat loaf!

This week, An American Werewolf in London (1981), which tells the story of David, a backpacker who is bitten by (you guessed it) a werewolf while on a trip to (you guessed it) London. David begins seeing visions which seem to indicate he'll transform into a beast at the next full-moon, but are the visions right, or is he going mad?

We talk about the efficient use of firearms; making good on apparent interdimensional conveyance; and the dangers of rubber-necking outside of the world-famous adult cinema in Central London.

Whatever happens, one things for sure: A naked American man stole my balloons.

Next week, try to stay awake as we begin our new franchise... it's A Nightmare on Elm Street...

Get in touch! 
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 158... and this one who's blind... She's the one that can see.

Don't look now, but this week's movie is Don't Look Now (1973) - a movie about a couple whose loss leaves them feeling lost. John and Laura seek to escape their grief in Venice - but it's easier said than done for their pair, as their grip on reality begins to unravel.

A safe and healthy dose of health and safety leads the conversation; but look out for our fashion tips for murderers; and more thematic comparisons than you can shake a seance at.

Whatever happens, one things for sure: If the world is round, why is a frozen lake flat?

Next week, John Landis' 80s classic 'An American Werewolf in London'.

Get in touch! 
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

A slight break in the scheduled programming while we carry out some essential podcast admin. (Totalling up votes for the next horror movie-franchise; negotiating licensing on our life-rights with Hollywood studios who want to make a movie out of the podcast; watching rubbish movies. That sort of thing...)

As such, this week is a repeat of 2016's Halloween 'Trick': Wallace and Gromit and the Curse of the Were-Rabbit.

No doubt you'll listen to the end, but don't believe the hype: Next week isn't 'Collateral', it's Nicholas Roeg's 1973 classic horror, Don't Look Now.

Get in touch with your thoughts on what our next franchise should be (only three weeks left!)

HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 157... and I'm giving you a choice: either put on these glasses or start eatin' that trash can.

This week, They Live (1988); a movie in which the wrestler Rowdy Roddy Piper puts on sunglasses that allow him to see the hidden forces which capitalist aliens use to control the world. 

We stick it to the man with some personal finance tips for intergalactic overlords; the importance of adhering to a dress code; and Chris enjoys Joe's most concise and coherent quiz yet.

Whatever happens, one things for sure: Mama don't like tattletales.

Next week, Nicholas Roeg's 1973 classic horror, Don't Look Now.

Get in touch! 
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 156 - and you now have the option to terminate and be cremated on the premises...

In Escape from New York (1981), New York City has been turned into a prison, with giant walls keeping prisoners locked inside. Anyone who goes in may never come out, and the city is run by criminals - which is bad news for the US President, who has become stranded in the city - and for Snake Plissken, the disgraced Special Ops soldier sent in to save him. 

We talk about sane approaches to data protection; the benefits of open sharing of information; and (of course) the correct way to structure any effective team.

Whatever happens, one things for sure: We, the soldiers of The National Liberation Front of America, in the name of the workers and all the oppressed of this imperialist country, have struck a fatal blow to the fascist police state. Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Next week, another John Carpenter classic, with They Live (1988).

Get in touch! 
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 155: I, Robot - Vintage, 2004.

I, Robot (2004). I, Robot is the tale of Det. Del Spooner, as he seeks to solve the riddle of how a robotics engineer died. Despite the best judgement of all the world’s lawyers, scientists and engineers, Del suspects a Robot is responsible - and when technology begins to malfunction around him, could he be proved right?

We talk about the most rudimentary travel safety measures going overlooked; how a basic knowledge of electronics could have solved a lot of aggravation; and we try to squeeze in some semblance of an artistic project among a series of awkward and irritating adverts for shoes.

Whatever happens, one things for sure: I’m gonna miss the good old days, when people were killed by other people.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Next week, John Carpenter season begins with Escape from New York (1981)!

Get in touch! 
HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 154... last chance... download the episode, and you stay in Wonderland, and we show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.

The Matrix (1999) tells the story of a hacker named 'Neo' who is drawn in by a mysterious group who want to show him the world as it really is. Is Neo humanity's saviour, 'The One'? and will he be able to stop the deadly 'Agents'? 

We talk about the one of the most influential movies every made; the limitations of exceptionally advanced technology; and the benefits of doing as your told when there's a gun pointed at your head.

Whatever happens, one things for sure: There's a difference between knowing the path, and walking the path...

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Next week, it's the world's greatest movie premise suggestion: I, Robot (2004) 

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 153... and I kick arse for the Lord!

Braindead (1992) is called 'Dead Alive' in America, and this is the story:

Lionel lives at home with his controlling mother, when he begins dating local shopkeeper, Piquita. Lionel's mother follows them on a date at the zoo, where she's bitten by a Sumatran Rat Monkey. What happens next must be seen to be believed, but have your sick bags at the ready...

We talk about the most nauseating desert ever served in a movie;  give some sound zoo-curation advice; and for god's sake, keep your keepsake.

Whatever happens, one things for sure: I haven't had a good custard in years. She never makes the stuff.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Next week, it's the blockbuster to end all blockbusters: The Matrix (1999).

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 152...and we have found you in a box...

True crime writer Ellison Oswalt (yes really) is desperate for another hit, and so takes the rash decision to move his family into a house in which the previous family were brutally murdered. A box of snuff films, missing children and mysterious pagan deitys await the Oswalts in this fascinating, unique story that can only be described as 'a horror movie that came out in the early-to-mid-2010s'.

We tackle spirit photography, squirrel eradication and excrutiating excuses; question the financial planning of a destitute man with two mortgages; and wonder at what point a film about children being brutally murdered on camera crosses the line of 'good taste'.

Whatever happens, one things for sure: Bad things happen to good people and they still have to have their story told.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Next week it's Peter Jackson's seminal Braindead (1992)

Get in touch! HowtoSurviveShow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 151...and it's a g'day for an apocalypse. 

Cargo (2018) tells the story of one family's struggle to survive both the harsh conditions of the Australian outback, and a rampant contagious disease that has ravaged society. Can modern humanity outlast this apocalypse, and do they even deserve to?

We throw another Martin Freeman on the barbie, tie our kangaroos down to unnecessary anniversary gifts and do battle with our greatest foe - having to record a podcast on the hottest day of the year. 

Whatever happens, one things for sure: It had fingers Andy!

Another classic film solved by the greatest movie podcast in the world.

Next week it's Sinister (2012)!

Get in touch! Howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowToSurvivePod

It's episode 150... and I've heard of spirit photography before, but I've never actually seen it in person...

The world's spookiest franchise has finally come to an end, as we dig into Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension (2015).

The movie tells the story of the Fleege family, as they are beset by ghostly-goings-on. Naturally, the haunting is tied directly to everything that has happened in the previous movies, but this time we get to actually see what's causing the Paranormal Activity!

We discuss the highs, and lows (and lowers) of the franchise; we talk about due diligence in property purchasing; and the fine art of teaching your children about stranger danger - particularly when the stranger is an eight-foot-tall oil slick.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Next time I'm just gonna stay at Mom's!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Next week, Netflix's 2018 release Cargo.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 149... and if I don't make it back, remember you're the one who made me come here.

This week, we're back on Isla Nublar for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (2018).

The movie tells the story of Claire and Owen as they rescue the dinosaurs of Jurassic World from a volcano, and then attempt to foil an evil corporate plot to exploit the animals.

We discuss whether a dinosaur would make a useful weapon; whether there are better ways to cover up genetic experimentation; and we think about how we'd cope against the closest thing to a dinosaur living on earth today.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Genetic power has now been unleashed. You can't put it back in the box.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Next week, we wrap up the world's spookiest franchise with Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 148... and I never wanted to be your mother.

This week: 2018's Hereditary. 

Laugh's abound in the story of Annie and her family as they grapple with bereavement, trauma, grief, and paranormal goings-on. Are they seeing ghosts, or going nuts? Are they being haunted, or have they just lost their heads?

We talk about the benefits of preparing for medical maladies; the importance of health and safety equipment in the presence of freaky events; and we realise that maybe everything won't be so bad after all.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: We reject the Trinity and pray devoutly to you

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Next week we're on Isla Nublar for Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 147... and I feel like I know this place. I recognise this text box.

This week is Triangle (2009). The story of a young woman who joins some new friends for a yacht party, only to have their voyage interrupted by a storm. The storm passes, and they board a creepy ship for rescue - but that's when things get really weird.

We give practical advice for first dates; pull out a classic tip from the movie survival handbook; and agree on the many benefits of arranging childcare for your kid.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: We cheated Death. No, we made a promise to Death that we didn't keep.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Next week is Hereditary (2018).

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 146... and It's a game. It's a process of elimination. The last man standing gets to walk out of here alive.

This week it's Circle (2015), a movie about a group of people who wake up to find themselves standing in a circle, forced to vote every two minutes to decide who should die next until only one remains.

Twists abound as we chat about a movie which throws away any goodwill it developed; we talk about who we liked and didn't like best in a group of complete strangers; and we put ourselves on trial and try to find out exactly how to survive.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: We all know that we can’t vote for ourselves. [Sorry, that's really like the only quote in the film]

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Next week we're sailing away on Triangle (2009).

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 145...and do you think that taxpayers would like it if they knew that they were paying a federal agent to surf and pick up girls?

This week it's Point Break (1991), and precocious 17-year-old Johnny Utah is spending the days with his family at their 17th-century villa in Lombardy, Italy. He soon meets Bodhi, a handsome doctoral student. Amid the sun-drenched splendor of their surroundings, Johnny and Bodhi discover the heady beauty of awakening desire over the course of a summer that will alter their lives forever. Wait a minute...

Back in the real world it's bank heists and beach bums galore in Bigelow's bombastic blockbuster - are we keen on Keanu? Do we express hesitance toward the Ex-Presidents? Does Swayze gaze lazily at ladies on hazy beaches daily? All this and more as Chris hangs a big fat ten on Joe's bank robbery quiz.

We drop in on the benefits of branding if you're a bank robber, ponder the health and safety implications of Bodhi's choice of mood lighting, and question the FBI's practice of sending recognisible minor celebrity and college football star Johnny Utah on an undercover mission without changing his name or place of residence.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Fear causes hesitation, and hesitation will cause your worst fears to come true.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Next week it's the Twilight Zone-esque Circle (2015) - check it out on Netflix!

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 144... and above 24,000, you're at the vertical limit, you're already dying. Look at you. You can hardly stand. If you think you can stop me, go ahead.

Vertical Limit (2000) tells the story of Peter and Annie, a brother and sister who find themselves atop K2 some years after they were involved in a climbing accident which killed their father. Now bad luck has befallen them again, and Annie is trapped in an avalanche near the summit, and it's up to Peter to lead a team to save her.

We discuss the worst prepared disaster recovery team in history; how the dangers of smoking increase massively around explosives and at high altitude; and above all, how this movie represents the worst survival odds in the history of disaster recovery.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Nag, nag, nag. They always bloody nag.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 143... and we have your woman outlander! She still lives!

Children of the Corn (1984) tells the story of Burt and Vicky, two Outlanders, on their way to a new life on the other side of America. They pass through a series of cornfields, and soon find themselves in a town where there are no adults, only shrill children. Where are the adults? Who are the children? And who walks behind the rows?

We discuss the key tenets of being an effective lookout; the simplicity of killing or maiming your would-be attackers when they happen to be children; and we talk about an amorphous representation simulacrum of the scariest creature ever committed to cinema.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Don't ever show up in my emergency room, buddy! 

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 142... and I thought I'd gone to the limits. I hadn't. The Cenobites gave me an experience beyond limits. Pain and pleasure, indivisible.

Hellraiser (1987) tells the story of Frank, a sexual deviant who decides to push the boundaries of human experience by opening up a portal to another world. Consequently, he loses his human body, and has to get it back in the most convoluted way imaginable, with the assistance of his husband's wife (his own former lover).

We discuss an occam's razor approach to body-harvesting; the benefits of your enemy not knowing the difference between pleasure and pain; and we offer sex tips that will drive your man wild...

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: The blood brought me back this far. I need more. You have to heal me.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 140... and who are we if we can't protect them? we have to protect them.

A Quiet Place (2018) tells the story of the Abbott family. Rare survivors of a deadly attack from creatures which hunt based on sound alone. The slightest sound could be enough to get your torn limb from limb, so what better way to discuss it than in a purely audio-based format.

We discuss the mealy-mouthed advice given by film-survival amateurs on the internet; the mealy-mouthed advice given by us, the experts; and the risks of going all-in on a choice when there are plenty of other options to explore.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I love you. I've always loved you.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 140... and Man, if I could travel through time, I'd timeportal my ass to the Bahamas.

Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014) tells the story of three teenagers who experience paranormal activity taking place around their home. Luckily, they film everything with handheld video cameras, so we get to watch it play out in all its predictable, preposterous glory.

We discuss the dangers of using the wrong weapons to ambush gang members; the importance of questioning the brief before taking on a 'muscle' contract; and the merits of cycling as a primary means of transport.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Can I get a kiss on the cheek? The thing is, my cheek is right above my testicles.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's an episode which falls between episodes 139 and 140... 

Perhaps you're hungry for Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones... well if you're that hungry, you can go eat your sh*t...

The Babadook (2014) tells the story of Amelia, a woman raising her son alone after her husband is killed. Coping with grief, isolation and an unruly child takes its toll on Amelia, and her life begins to be invaded by the sinister leading character from a particularly unpleasant pop-up book.

We discuss the benefits of using the emergency services during an emergency; the iconic words 'woof for help'; and the dangers of staying up late watching horror movies. Oh the irony...

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: If it's in a word or it's in a look, you can't get rid of the How to Survive Podcast.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 139... and what are they? It's pretty goddamn obvious what they are. Lab coats, badges, THOSE PEOPLE USED TO WORK HERE!

Resident Evil (2002) tells the story of a crack-team of mercenaries who are sent into the headquarters of the shady 'Umbrella Corporation' following the leak of a biological weapon. The new virus appears to be able to reanimate the dead, creating an unstoppable killing machine. Will the team escape before it's too late?

We discuss some very basic logical flaws in the failsafe systems of an international weapons manufacturer; the limitations of a sympathetic AI, and the benefits of just jumping vertically in the air and kicking your would-be killers in the face.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Even in death the human body still is active. Hair and finger nails continue to grow, new cells are produced, and the brain itself holds a small electrical charge that takes months to dissipate.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 138...and you messed with the wrong podcast.

Tomb Raider (2018) tells the story of Lara Croft. Ten years after the mysterious disappearance of her father, Lara finds out where he might have ended up - and sets off on a mission to find him. Along the way she gets caught up in a conspiracy she couldn't have imagined - and will have to fight to survive.

We discuss the importance of relaying clear safety plans; shooting first and never asking questions; and never visiting spooky islands under any circumstances.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Daddy loves you.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 137...and it's not destroying...it's making something new.

Annihilation (2018) tells the story of Lena, a biologist whose husband returns from a mysterious military mission only to fall gravely ill shortly afterwards. In order to save him, she joins an expedition following in her husband's footsteps to 'The Shimmer', a strange, expanding, luminescent cloud engulfing a coastal region in Florida. Will she discover the key to her husband's survival...or something much more unsettling?

We discuss prisms; offer witticisms and criticisms; pick through unreliable narrators and unreal nature; and, most importantly, bring criminal proceedings on whoever decided not to give this film a theatrical release in the UK.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You'd sure as hell call it a pathology if you saw this in a human.

Annihilation is still in cinemas in the US and available on Netflix worldwide. Next week we sift through the bones of Tomb Raider (2018).

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 136... and my old scoutmaster used to say 'If the shortcut was a shortcut, it wouldn't be called a shortcut, it would be called a route'.

The Ritual (2017) tells the story of four friends who travel into the Swedish mountains to commemorate the loss of their close friend. During the trip, one of the group becomes injured, and they decide to take a 'short cut' to civilisation through a forest. Before long, unexpected and unsettling things begin to happen, and they realise they are in rather severe danger.

We talk about the merits of eschewing sentimentality; the importance of knee exercises; and that foundational travel trip: never stray from the beaten path under any circumstances ever.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Mate, no one's ever been to Belgium by choice. What are you on about? What's in Belgium?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 135... and somewhere in the world, the wrong pig met up with the wrong bat.

Contagion (2011) tells the story of a number of separate people who are all linked by their involvement in the outbreak of a deadly disease. Researchers, World Health Organisation workers, Conspiracy theorists and everyday people (played by a star-studded cast) are in a race against time to save the world from the spread of a fatal virus.

We talk about the benefits of a vegan diet; the importance of washing your hands; and the sure-fire safety of walking around all the time in a home-made hazmat suit.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: My wife makes me take off my clothes in the garage. Then she leaves out a bucket of warm water and some soap. And then she douses everything in hand sanitizer after I leave. 

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 134... and this is how we fix problem in the Russian space station!

Armageddon (1998) tells the story of Harry Stamper and his crew of high-testosterone, middle-American, low-rate oil rig workers. After a meteor the size of Texas is detected, headed towards earth, the crew are trained as astronauts and sent into space so they can drill into the asteroid and blow it up with nuclear bombs. 

No, really.

We talk about the mismatch in on-the-job training given to oil rig workers in comparison to astronauts; the questionable decision to give the highest level of clearance to a civilian with two horses in the race; and the benefits of falling in love with your boss's daughter.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I am not crazy! I'm just a little emotional right now, ok? Ya'll throwing all this stuff at me, man! Look, I mean, after this is over, can I like get a hug from you or something?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 133 and we're going to get you. We're going to get you. Not another peep. Time to go to sleep.

The Evil Dead (1981) tells the story of four students who head to a cabin in the woods to celebrate spring break. Before long, they accidentally uncover a magic book, and accidentally raise the dead. As if thats not bad enough, the dead they raise is evil! Will they make it out alive?

We talk about the a common-sense approach to nighttime safety; the benefits of chopping up your dead life partner with a chainsaw; and the importance of remembering you can punch holes in wood, when you're trapped in a wooden structure.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I fear that the only way to stop those possessed by the spirits of the book is through the act of... bodily dismemberment.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 132 and this is an accident, a forgotten, perpetual public works project. You think anybody wants to ask questions? All they want is a clear conscience and a fat paycheck.

Cube (1997) tells the story of a group of people who are trapped in a gigantic cube, made of thousands of smaller cubes. A large number of the cubes are filled with dreadful booby traps. Will they put their differences aside to escape? Do the numbers on the floor indicate the route forward? 

We talk about the importance of group unity; whether correlation equates to causation when it comes to being named; and the importance of keeping a cool head in the face of violent coercion.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I'm just a guy, I work in an office building doing office building stuff. I wasn't exactly bursting with joie de vivre before I got here, life just sucks in general.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 131 and against all odds, we've finally covered a movie about astral projection.

Insidious (2010) tells the story of Renai and Josh, young parents who have just moved into a new home. When their eldest son falls into a medically unexplained coma, weird things start happening in their home - and nothing is as it seems (and nothing is as it could be predicted or worked out in a thousand years of guessing).

We talk about understanding your abilities when in a new environment; the importance of asking the important questions; and the dangers of opting for the last resort before you've tried the first, second or even third resorts.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:I came today because last night I had a dream about this place. I was in this house, but it was late at night. I was afraid.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 130 and that can only mean one thing - the fourth instalment in the classic Paranormal Activity franchise!

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012) continues the ongoing saga of Katie, Toby and Hunter, this time told through the clumsier-than-ever framing device of a self-obsessed teenage neighbour who (for some reason) records everything in her life on a video camera. 

We talk about the often random nature of the titular paranormal activity, the risks of secretly sedating your children and the value of spotting a fake in today's socio-political climate. Also hear more 'Film Dad' chat and discover how to crowbar Star Wars into literally any pop song, in what critics are already calling 'another episode of How to Survive'.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: He looks just like his mother.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 129...and bon appetit!

Raw (2016) tells the story of Justine, a young vegetarian girl who begins a new life at veterinary school. She is met with intense initiation ceremonies, late nights, parties, and the sudden irrepressible urge to eat meat... of all kinds.

We talk about the half-measures of vegetarianism; the importance of teaching your children about the risks of chicken as a gateway food to human; and Joe talks about being a vegan again. Obviously.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I'm just getting milk, ok?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 128...and I think they want us for dinner tonight!

Cannibal Holocaust (1980) tells the story of Harold Monroe, a sociologist sent into the Amazonian rainforest to find out what happened to a missing documentary crew. Cannibal Holocaust is honestly a terrible film. Don't bother watching it. I'm not even sure why we watched it. I think someone asked us to cover it once in an email or a tweet but I can't remember. In many ways I can't remember anything before I watched Cannibal Holocaust, but I can remember feeling happiness and joy and a lust for life in general that is now sadly absent from my hollow shell of an existence.

Cannibal Holocaust has, in a very real sense, sapped the lifeforce from me in a manner that I'm not sure will ever be reversed. Maybe I wouldn't even want it to be reversed. Maybe this feeling of cosmic emptiness is a kind of punishment for watching it. If it is then I welcome it. I am forever scarred. I am forever a lesser person for having seen Cannibal Holocaust.

Don't watch it - it's not worth it. Just listen to the podcast instead.

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Things like this happen all the time in the jungle; it's survival of the fittest!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 126...and I lost my daughter to the abyss, but tonight I am calling her back.

The Void (2016) tells the story of Dan, a police officer who comes across an injured man and takes him to the hospital. At the hospital, weird stuff starts to happen, including horrific mutations of nurses into monsters; the appearance of a sinister group of violent cult members; inexplicable power outages; and murder most foul.

We talk about the security of a good hiding place; the importance of knowing which negotiations are mission-critical; and the merits of shooting first and asking questions never.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: statistically you're more likely to die in a hospital than anywhere else.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 126...and be afraid... be very afraid...

The Fly (1986) tells the story of Seth Brundle, a scientist who invents a way to transport objects through space. When testing the machine on himself, he accidentally fuses his DNA with that of a fly which was trapped in the machine - and he begins to slowly turn into a man/fly hybrid!

We talk about the benefits of the boys in blue; the convenience of insect repellent sprays; and we finally answer once and for all: which animal is it best to splice your dna with, and slowly turn into?

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I'm an insect who dreamt he was a man and loved it.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 125...and with great a great podcast comes great responsibility...

Spider-Man (2002) tells the story of Peter Parker, a nerdy teenager who is bitten by a radioactive spider and gains: super-human strength, the ability to climb walls, the ability to shoot webs, freakish spatial awareness and cheeky wit - all the things you would associate with spiders.

We talk about the dangers of lying to your friends; the benefits of shopping around for good investors; and the least competent police force since Friday the 13th.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: Go web! Fly! Up, up, and away web! Shazaam! Go! Go! Go web go! Tally ho.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 124...and I will fight for those who cannot fight for themselves.

Wonder Woman (2017) tells the origin story of Diana Prince, Amazonian Princess of Themyscira and superhero also known as (unsurprisingly) Wonder Woman. When a super spy from some Great War lands on her shores she's sure she can stop the fighting simply by killing her nemesis Ares - but has she underestimated the cruelty of man?

We round off 2017 with a female-led cinematic success story, address the clanging World War One-shaped elephant in the DC Comics-shaped room and wonder if it's wise to teach your enemy about their greatest power. All this as we finally cover a superhero film on the podcast. It only took 124 episodes!

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I can not stand by while innocent lives are lost!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Happy Boxing Day! What better way to celebrate than by watching a film with an increasingly tenuous link to the festive period?

Die Hard 2: Die Harder (1990) reintroduces us to plucky cop John McClane, who is at the airport awaiting the arrival of his wife for the festive period. But oh no! A nefarious terrorist group are staging a mission with evil intent at the very same airport! On Christmas Eve! Of all the bad luck.

We pull the cracker on this mediocre sequel, question whether it's a good idea to fire a machine gun in a crowded police station (blanks or otherwise) and our hearts grow ever fonder of the sadly absent Alan Rickman.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

It's Christmas! Here is the first of 2017's How to Survive Christmas Specials

Home Alone 3 tells the story of Alex, a young boy who becomes stricken with chickenpox. Alex's parents leave him home alone, which is unfortunate as his neighbourhood is under attack from four spies hired by the North Korean government to steal a missile chip from the US Air Force. 

We talk about the least appropriate children's movie villains in living memory; the least interesting and relatable protagonist in living memory; and we discuss of a set of injuries which would have Joe Pesci spinning in his grave (if he was dead...)

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: I have warned you about that telescope. You look through it long enough, you're gonna start seeing things, whether or not they're there.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 123...and this isn't going to go the way you think.

It's nearly Christmas and that can only mean one thing - Disney have started up the Star Wars machine and churned out another episode of our favourite far, far away franchise. Set your phasers to lightspeed!

Rian Johnson's The Last Jedi (2017) finds us once again following Rey, Finn, Poe, Ren and Luke, as well as some characters with more than one syllable in their names, as they venture across the galaxy to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and to boldly go where no Star Wars has gone before.

We pick apart every controversy, plot twist and fanboy meltdown, eulogise over Adam Driver, suggest a change in tact for TIE fighters, and Joe once again manages to crowbar in some discussion of his veganism for good measure.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: we are the spark, that will light the fire, that will start the blaze, that will ignite the inferno, that will heat the coals, that will generate the heat, that will fan the flames that will burn the First Order down.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

Slight delay on today's podcast but rest assured that our episode on The Last Jedi will be out on Thursday the 21st of December, plus there's a whole lot more coming your way over Christmas. Cheers!

It's episode 122...and I like big fat men like you. When they fall they make more noise.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly (1966) tells the story of a trio of bandits in search for buried gold, complete with all the betrayals, standoffs and shootouts you'd expect from the Wild West. Clint Eastwood starring as the enigmatic Blondie in what is undoubtedly one of the great Western cinematic epics, but will it be the Good, the Bad or the Ugly who wins the day, and the treasure? Only one way to find out...

We tackle perhaps the greatest villain introduction in cinematic history, draw our pistols on idiotic gun shop owners and Joe, a politically-motivated vegan, spends a full 10 minutes trying to a way to advocate torturing a man for information. No, really.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: When that rope starts to pull tight, you can feel the Devil bite your ass.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 121...and they tell me you're a man with true grit.

True Grit (2010) tells the story of Mattie Ross, a precocious 14-year old farm girl who sets out to avenge her father's death with the help of cantankerous drunkard Rooster Cogburn and cantankerous teetotaler LaBoeuf. Together the trio trek across the Old West in search of justice, cornbread and - above all else - a coward by the name of Tom Chaney.

We consider the Coens, debate the Deakins, field the question of field amputations and ask ourselves if it's better to be a coward than a cowboy, all while discussing Joe's favourite film of all time.

All of which leads to one question...how would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: You must pay for everything in this world, one way or another.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 120...and this isn't Casper the fucking friendly ghost you're chasing!

Paranormal Activity 3 (2011) takes us back to the 1980s to find out the fascinating backstory of Katie, Kristi and Toby the pesky poltergeist, all shot in crisp late-noughties HD footage! When the furniture starts flying, there's only one solution...film it all for posterity!

We tackle the usual plot twists and contrivances, ask ourselves if a Witches' Coven is too covenient, and wax lyrical about the creative use of rotating fans.

All of which leads to one question...How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure: if you saw me talking to somebody, it would be Toby.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Get in touch! howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Follow us on Twitter! @HowtoSurvivePod

It's episode 119...and I knew before you told me that you've got an American flag in your home. You've probably got more than one.

Brawl in Cell Block 99 (2017) tells the story of Bradley, a drug runner caught in the crossfire between his job, his morals and his family. Sent to prison, needless to say things go badly for baldy Bradley.

We talk about how far it's worth pushing your moral code, phoning friends and the importance of neck exercises when facing up against Vince Vaughn's hulking physique.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world!

It's episode 118... and if you send one of ours to the hospital, we'll send one of yours to the morgue...

The Untouchables (1987) tells the story of the task force charged with bringing down Chicago crime boss, Al Capone. Elliot Ness and his men have to fight fire with fire, and bring down the kingpin who has left every member of the city living in continual fear of violence.

We talk about the merits of decriminalising banned substances; the safety concerns associated with standard-issue police weapons; and the benefits of doing things quite literally by the book..

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 117... and be a doll, and give it a listen...

The Boy (2016) tells the story of Greta, an American who moves to the English countryside to work as a nanny for a wealthy couple. The couple leave on holiday, but not before revealing that the child Greta will be looking after is actually a doll with a porcelain head.

No, really...

We talk about the dangers of mollycoddling; the benefits of seeking protection from an institutional agency set up to protect you; and the minutia of logistics for taxi drivers around the UK.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 116... and we want to play a game...

Jigsaw (2017) tells the story of a group of people who become trapped in contrived torture devices as punishment for sins they're perceived to have committed. The person behind it appears to be John Kramer - but he's been dead for ten years - so is he back from the dead? Or is someone else behind it? There's only one way to find out.

We talk about the dangers of being a police officer in Jigsawville; the merits of collaborating with a serial killer; with twists you'll never see coming...

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:

The game is simple. The best ones always are.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

The Saw franchise is one of the most successful series of horror movies in cinematic history, and with Jigsaw (2017) in cinemas now, Chris and Joe felt it was finally time to tackle John Kramer's sinister games - all in one sitting.

In this special bonus episode Chris and Joe talk through their experience of watching through all 7 Saw movies for the first How to Survive video podcast. Though they talk through all the traps, twists and tantrums in the 11-hour long ordeal, there's really no replacement for watching the full video at HowtoSurviveShow.com

All of which leads to one question...

Why haven't you watched it yet?

Watch the full video now: https://youtu.be/V_3H8KjMuUo

It's episode 115... and we're gonna be great friends...

Creep (2014) tells the story of Aaron, a freelance videographer who is hired by the mysterious Joseph to film a secret video at Joseph's wilderness retreat. Before long, Aaron begins to realise Joseph really is a 'creep' - but will he be able to escape the danger he's in before it's too late?

We talk about the merits of clear communication with the emergency services; the appropriate way to behave when in charge of an automobile; and we confront maybe the worst police we've come across in any movie yet.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:

You're not real! You're made of moonlight!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 114... and time for a romantic getaway...

Gerald's Game (2017) tells the story of Jessie, who travels to a rural retreat with her husband, Gerald. Once there, they engage in some light bondage, and Jessie is handcuffed to the bed, but after a quarrel, Gerald drops dead! Now chained to the bed, Jessie seems to be stuck with no hope of rescue. How will she survive?

We talk about the importance of not wasting valuable resources in a survival situation; the limitations of virtual assistants; and the general importance of making good on any escape plan.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:

You're not real! You're made of moonlight!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 112... and we all float down here...

IT (2017) tells the story of a group of teenage friends in the town of Derry. A number of children in the town disappear, and our heroes race to uncover the truth before it's too late. (All while fighting for their lives against an evil dancing clown...)

We talk about the importance of not leaving severely damning evidence when reporting crimes; the benefits of becoming a teenage runaway; and the risks of attacking your victims in broad daylight in open spaces.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:

You'll float too!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 111... and we're finally finished!

Friday the 13th (2009) is a reboot which tells the story of a group of teenagers who spend the night around Camp Crystal Lake and get picked off one by one. The perpetrator? Jason Voorhees (which actually makes this a reboot of Friday the 13th: Part 2...)

We talk about the importance of recognising your own tolerance for parties; the benefits of sensible gun handling; and we finally say goodbye to our arch nemesis (until the next inevitable remake...).

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure:

People go missing around here, they're gone for good. Outsiders come, they don't know where to walk. They bring trouble. We just want to be left alone. And so does he.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 110... and I don't know if the house is haunted, but I hope it is.

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010) tells the story of the Rey family. Shortly after the birth of their new son, the Reys begin experiencing strange goings-on in their home. All signs point to a haunting - and when the main characters from the first film show up you know there's going to be trouble...

We talk about the importance of sharing critical information about hauntings with similarly afflicted family members; as well as the hysterical idolatry of a mostly forgettable horror movie victim, and more!

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 109... and we may be a podcast, but we're not a f*cking podcast.

From Dusk Till Dawn (1996) tells the story of two brothers, Seth and Richie, who get into a bad situation when they kidnap a family on a road trip and escape to Mexico They head to a bar for the night, but all is not what it seems with the bar's staff and patrons  

We hash out optimal business hours for mythical creatures; the importance of keeping your promises; and more!

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...

If you try to run, I've got six little friends and they all run faster than you do  

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 108... and may we come in?

Let the Right One In (2008) tells the story of Oskar, a young boy who is bullied at school, and makes friends with his new neighbour, Eli. They form a tight bond, but all is not as it seems with Eli, and why does she only come out at night?

We address the logistics of harvesting blood from members of the public; the poor economy of helping a mythical creature feed; and the benefits of travelling in the dead of night. 

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Att fly är livet, at dröja döden

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 107... and something wicker this way comes...

The Wicker Man (1973) tells the story of Sgt. Howie of the Scottish constabulary. Howie is sent to the remote Hebredian island of Summerisle to investigate the disappearance of a young girl. What he finds is a town devoted to pagan rituals, but could  something more sinister be brewing under the surface? (The answer is yes).

We discuss the importance of not drinking on the job; the lethal risks of a life of chastity; and the merits of a strong negotiation strategy when dealing with cult leaders.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Take a seat. I believe it is better to receive a shock with the knees bent.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 106... and look what's happened to Rosemary's Baby...

Rosemary's Baby (1968) tells the story of Rosemary, a young woman who falls pregnant after moving into a new home. But the pregnancy is fraught with unusual side-effects, and her creepy neighbours won't leave her alone.

We discuss the importance of supervising the preparation of your food; the limitations of hiding in plane sight; and when all is said and done, why not just go with it?

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

No pope ever visits a city where the newspapers are on strike.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 105... and do you want to play a game of hide and clap?

The Conjuring (2013) tells the story of Ed and Lorraine Warren, paranormal investigators who are called upon to help the Perron Family. The Perrons have just moved into a new home, and all signs (from dead animals to suspicious bruising) seem to point to a haunting! 

We discuss the importance of calling upon law enforcement in times of need; the risks of keeping dangerous objects in a house with a child; and the importance of thorough research when planning to buy a home.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Diabolical forces are formidable. These forces are eternal, and they exist today. The fairy tale is true. The devil exists. God exists. And for us, as people, our very destiny hinges upon which one we elect to follow.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

Jurassic Park (1993) tells the story of Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler, two paleontologists (well, one paleontologist and one paleobotanist...) who are summoned to a new theme park to make sure it is safe for visitors. The theme at the park is 'dinosaurs', and the park's owner, John Hammond has been able to clone real dinosaurs from their blood, preserved in amber.

Before long, the park's systems fail, and it becomes a classic case of man vs. The Cloneasaurus Rex.  

We discuss what it means to spare no expense; the importance of finding the right man for the job; and the dangers of stopping halfway when it comes to genetic design.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates podcasts....

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 103... and you're one ugly motherf**ker..

Predator (1987) tells the story of Major Allan 'Dutch' Schaefer, a mercenary who takes on the job of rescuing a kidnapped diplomat in the Venezuelan jungle. Along with his team, they soon realise they've been double-crossed by Dutch's old friend, CIA operative, 'Dillon'. The two are soon at each other's throats, and then an alien shows up and starts killing everyone.

We discuss the ethics of intergalactic game hunting; the benefits of a tight-lipped approach to stealth; and of course, the safest way to store explosives when you're in an eighties action movie.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

If it bleeds, we can kill it...

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 102... and you can't trust anyone but family...

It Comes at Night (2017) tells the story of Paul and his family, who have survived a plague and now live in a house in the woods, desperate to stay protected from disease and would-be attackers. Their volatile existence is threatened when a man breaks in. And that's about as much as we can say without spoiling it...

We discuss the finer points of interior design; the importance of maintaining a positive attitude to health and safety, even during a crisis; and a cost-benefit analysis of killing everyone you come into contact with on sight.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

We never go out at night. Got it?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 101...and that goalie was pissed about something..

Freddy vs. Jason (2003) tells the story of Freddy Krueger, an evil phantom who haunts teenagers and kills them in their dreams. With his power weakening, he enlists the help of Jason Voorhees, the Camp Crystal Lake killer. Why? Because they needed to be crowbarred together somehow.

We discuss the benefits of keeping your mouth shut when you're on the run; the economics of drugging an entire town of people; and the importance on establishing a solid rationale for a project, before awakening an unstoppable wraith who loves killing teenagers.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

You're not even scary. And let's talk about the butter knives. What is with the butter knives? You trying to compensate for something? Maybe coming up a little short there between the legs?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world

It's episode 100!!!!! ...and things are going bump in the night...

Paranormal Activity (2009) tells the story of Micah and Rachel, a young couple whose lives are turned upside down when they are haunted by a demon. We see their lives unravel through videotapes made by the couple during their gradual demise, in the most carefully edited and dramatised 'found footage' movie yet.

We discuss the benefits of trusting the experts; the merits of leaving your house the instant you know beyond any reasonable doubt that it's haunted; and the best idea of all: throw a massive house party.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Basically, they're these malevolent evil spirits that only exist to make podcasts for their own amusement. It's pretty creepy- I mean, they've been doing this for years, like decades, and sometimes they're really intelligent in the way they do things to freak you out.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 99... and we all go a little mad sometimes....

Psycho (1960) tells the story of Marion Crane; a young woman who steals a large sum of money from her employer and runs away to meet up with her secret lover. On the way to meet him, she stops for the night at the Bates Motel, and surely nothing can go wrong there...

We discuss the importance of always having diagnostic criteria ready to go; the benefits of a good alibi; and the old age practice of locking the door while you're in the bathroom.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

A boy's best friend is his mother!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 98... and I'm drawing a line in the f**king sand here. Do not read the Latin!

The Cabin in the Woods (2011) tells the story of a group of teenage friends who decide to spend the weekend at a remote cabin in some remote woods. Once they arrive at the cabin, bad things start to happen. But everything is not as it seems...

We have our first Quick-Fire Survival Round; we discuss the benefits of using the 'surviving ally' horror trope to your benefit; and the benefits of using the 'surviving enemy' horror trope to your benefit.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Statistical fact: Cops will never pull over a man with a huge bong in his car. Why? They fear this man. They know he sees further than they and he will bind them with ancient logics.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 97... and another mist opportunity...

The Mist (2007) tells the story of David, a family man whose world is turned upside down when he and his son (and a bunch of townsfolk) are forced to shelter in a supermarket when a thick mist descends on their town. This is no straightforward weather problem, as hidden within the mist are all manner of violent and disgusting monsters - and they seem intent on killing everyone in the supermarket.

We discuss how the importance of quickly killing everyone in your family weighed against the merits of not killing anyone in your family; the most effective way to convert someone away from dogmatic religion; and the benefits of keeping your mouth shut when confronted with an angry mob.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

As a species we're fundamentally insane. Put more than two of us in a room, we pick sides and start dreaming up reasons to kill one another. Why do you think we invented politics and religion?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 96... and we're all in a spin...

Twister (1996) tells the story of Jo and Bill, an estranged husband and wife who share a love of chasing tornadoes in the name of scientific research. Brought back together, they seek to use Bill's invention to record what happens INSIDE a tornado - but in order to do that, they have to get dangerously close to the monstrous cyclone...

We discuss how intellectual property laws can save lives when chasing deadly weather; we offer a quick word on the benefits of resource preparation; and a reminder to always keep food in the house in case of unexpected guests.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

That's no moon. It's a space station!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 95... and It hasn't got a name. It's a new system. I wanted us all to discover it! No one's ever been down here before.

The Descent (2005) tells the story of a group of women who travel deep into an underground cave system in the name of adventure. As is the way with horror movies, they become trapped, and soon begin to realise that they might not be alone...

We wonder at length why anyone would want to go into a narrow cave; we bring advice to the caving world from the world of water activities; and we continue to wonder at length why anyone would want to go into a narrow cave.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

[Sarah is trapped in a tunnel and Beth is trying to calm her down with a joke]

Hey, you love this one, "How do you give a lemon an orgasm?" You tickle its citrus!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 94... and the future's not set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves...

Terminator 2: Judgement Day (1991) tells the story of John Connor, the son of Sarah Connor. John is the fresh target of Skynet's time-travelling Terminator unit, but help comes from an unexpected source.

We talk about the benefits of simply ignoring the effects of your sedatives; the thin line between being too insane for prison, but just sane enough for a mental asylum; and the benefits of 'Divide and Conquer' (particularly when fighting against a single enemy).

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

I know now why you cry. But it's something I can never do.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 93... and look on my works ye might, and despair...

Alien: Covenant (2017) tells the story of a group of space colonists travelling from earth to their new planet. On the way, their ship becomes damaged. Receiving a distorted signal from a nearby Earth-like planet, they decide to investigate, but they soon get more than they bargained for...

We talk about the benefits of wearing helmet, space suit and breathing apparatus during space exploration; the merits of having crew members who don't need to wear helmets, space suits and breathing apparatus during space exploration; and we make a strong case for using any type of interrogation to verify someone's identity.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Nobody understands the lonely perfection of my dreams...

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 92... and we just made the international sign of the donut...

Mars Attacks (1996) tells the story of an ensemble cast of politicians, soldiers, scientists, tv hosts and donut shop workers, as they fight back against attackers... from Mars!

We talk about how lucky we are to live in a world where Slim Whitman's hit 'Indian Love Call' can be played with three seconds notice; how the best defence is a good offence; and how easily the scientific method can be forgotten in place of positivity.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

All green of skin... 800 centuries ago, their bodily fluids include the birth of half-breeds. For the fundamental truth self-determination of the cosmos, for dark is the suede that mows like a harvest.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 91... and statistical probability of survival just went up to fifty-three per cent.

Jason X (2001) tells the story of Jason Voorhees, the undead, unkillable monster who kills teenagers near a lake. Except now they've taken him away from the lake and put him on a spaceship. So now he's killing teenagers in space.

No, really...

We talk about the benefits of a well-lit combat environment; the importance of remembering your magical abilities of possession in combat situations; and the strangest but most effective robot upgrades on the market.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

You're lucky you weren't alive during the Microsoft conflict. Hell, we were beating each other with our own severed limbs.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 90... and why did it have to be snakes?

Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) tells the story of Indiana Jones, a world-renowned archaeologist, who spends his free time raiding tombs hunting for lost treasure. Jones is happy with his lot in life, until two spies from the US Intelligence Service inform him that the Nazis have begun searching for the mysterious 'Ark of the Covenant', which is said to make any army who holds it immortal.

Now Jones is in a race against time (and the Nazis) to find the ark, get the girl and save the world!

We talk about the the virtue of knowing when to say 'no' to dangerous missions, the importance of back-up on dangerous missions, and for the first time ever: A Choose Your Own Survival in glorious surround-sound.

All of which leads to one question...

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

You and I are very much alike. Movie Survival is our religion, yet we have both fallen from the pure faith. Our methods have not differed as much as you pretend. I am but a shadowy reflection of you. It would take only a nudge to make you like me. To push you out of the light.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 89... and my name is The How to Survive Podcast. The purpose of today's experiment is to prove the object behind me is responsible for at least 45 deaths in the 4 centuries of it's recorded existence.

Oculus (2013) tells the story of Kaylie and Tim Russell. A decade ago, their parents were killed in mysterious circumstances, and Tim was blamed. Now, years on, they are reunited and set out to get their revenge on the real culprit: a haunted mirror!

We talk about the benefits of blaming any criminal activity on temporary mental illness; the advantages of knowing when to let go; and how technology can be used to plan the destruction of haunted furnishings.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

I've met my demons and they are many. I've seen the devil, and he is me.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 88... and I miss my f*cking dog. Goodnight.

Life (2017) tells the story of the crew of the International Space Station. After successfully intercepting a soil sample, sent from Mars, the team begin analysing a dormant single-cell lifeform. Before long, the cell has come to life, and before much longer the single cell has evolved into something much more deadly...

We talk about the appropriate risk analysis when you're an astronaut aboard the ISS; the importance of clear and comprehensive communication aboard the ISS; and the benefits of kindness towards all things aboard the ISS.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Goodnight Air.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 87... and the guns are out...

Free Fire (2017) tells the story of an arms deal gone wrong. On one side, a group of IRA terrorists, on the other, a swindling South African and his associates. After some bad blood between the group re-emerges, it's not long before both sides are locked into an all-out gunfight - as each individual battles to make it out alive.

We talk about the appropriate clothing to wear to a gunfight; the benefits of streamlining your deceit; and the difficulties of keeping count when under heavy stress.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Cardboard armour is protection from infection.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 86... and a the worst sequel to Meet the Parents yet...

Get Out (2017) tells the story of Chris, a young black man who is visiting his white girlfriend's parents for the first time. Once at their secluded home, Chris passes off their overly accomodating behaviour as awkward friendliness, but as the visit wears on, he begins to realise everything is not as it seems.

We talk about the importance of calling out racism wherever you see it; the difficulties of taking photographs using only natural light; and just how essential it is not to be hypnotised when someone is obviously hypnotising you.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

I would have voted for Obama for a third term.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 85... and let me list all the ways you're gonna die: rain, heat, disease-carrying flies, and we haven't started on the things that want to eat you alive.

Kong: Skull Island (2017) tells the story of a group of scientists and soldiers who travel to the newly discovered Skull Island in the name of scientific exploration. The Vietnam War has just ended, but no war could prepare them for what they face there: a really big gorilla!

We talk about a How to Survive staple: always listen to the experts; we discuss the risks of falling victim to the sunk cost fallacy; and we weigh up the appropriate responses to the crimes of animals.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Remember the tale of Icarus, whose father gave him wax wings to fly. But he flew too close to the sun, and his wings melted, and he fell into the sea. But our wings are not made of wax, but Pennsylvania steel, guaranteed not to melt.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 84... and we have ten minutes until the ectoplasmic sh*t hits the fan.

Thir13en Ghosts (2001) tells the story of Arthur, a widower who moves himself, his children and their nanny into a haunted house left to them in a wealthy uncle's will. Before long, the family is trapped in the house, and have to fight against the other residents: twelve ghosts who have been captured and locked in the basement.

We talk about the benefits of coating your clothing in protective spells; the importance of not laboriously explaining your evil plan to your victim before it can take place; and the risks involved in showing up in public after you've faked your death.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

If you hadn't noticed, I'M A LITTLE BIT OF A FREAK! I come within ten feet of anything dead I go into seizures. I touch somebody, and a whole life full of shit flashes in front of my eyes! Alright? So yeah, I'm depraved. But Cyrus was my friend and he accepted me, so...

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 83... and there's something strange in the neighbourhood...

Ghostbusters (1984) tells the story of three parapsychologist researchers who lose their jobs and decide to open a ghost hunting service. Calling themselves the Ghostbusters, they set out to rid New York City of paranormal threats, but before long find themselves in a battle to save humanity from an invading demigod.

We talk about the importance of establishing a sustainable strategy for acquiring start-up capital; the very real risks of carrying out an activity which could lead to all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light. And we also dig into the 2016 remake of the movie to compare and contrast.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 82... and I'm so glad you're here. We have a lot to talk about. So much to say tonight.

The Invitation (2015) tells the story of Will, a man who is invited to a dinner party at the home of his estranged ex-wife. Also in attendance are all of Will's closest friends, (also estranged). As the night wears on, the mood shifts from awkward to extremely awkward before settling on terrifying. Why were the group really invited over?

We talk about the importance of leaving as soon as things a party as soon as things become irredeemably awkward; the redundancy of going somewhere that requires you to observe social norms when you have no intention to observe social norms; and we finally discuss a mathematical formula for deciding if you should leave the house.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Forgiveness doesn't have to wait. I'm free to forgive myself and so are you. It's a beautiful thing. It really is.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 81... and Jason Voorhees is back to Crystal Lake...

Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday (1993) tells the story of Diana and Jessica Kimble, two women whose lives are turned upside down by the return of Jason Vorhees. As it transpires, both women are members of the Voorhees family, and only they can stop Jason's rampage. Also Jason can now possess people...

We talk about recommended improvements to the aim of a team of armed FBI sharpshooters; the dangers of staying in a town where most of your demographic have been murdered; and the benefits of using your previously-demonstrated magical powers when faced with adversity.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Jason Voorhees makes me think of a little girl in a pink dress sticking a hot dog through a doughnut.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 80... and you weren't supposed to help her...

The Ring (2002) tells the story of Rachel Keller, a woman who falls foul of a cursed videotape. The curse means that anyone who watches the video tape will die exactly seven days after they see it - and after Rachel's son watches the video too, the race is on to find out what's really going on.

We talk about how quick-fix internet marketing could save your life; the merits of recognising when your behaviour is upsetting wild animals; and the importance of keeping your drains clear of waste foods.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

What is it with podcasts? You take one person's tragedy and force the world to experience it... spread it like sickness.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 79... and possession is nine tenths of the law...

The Exorcist (1973) tells the story of Chris MacNeil, a hollywood actress whose daughter, Regan becomes possessed by a demon. Will enlisting the help of a local priest be enough to save Regan's soul?

We talk about the necessity of stringent diagnostic criteria in modern medicine; the benefits of trusting your colleagues in tense situations; and the importance of listening to experts of all kinds - especially when you've brought them in to do a specific job.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

The power of Christ compels you!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's Valentine's Day, and what better way to celebrate than by watching a mediocre slasher film?

But this is no ordinary episode! To celebrate the official day of lovers around the world, we've invited our better halves onto the show to help us tackle the greatest love story ever told (about a mining village that gets attacked by a rogue miner...)

Normal service resumes tomorrow.

It's episode 78... and we are what we believe we are...

Split (2017) tells the story of Casey. A young girl who is kidnapped along with her two friends by a man calling himself Dennis. It turns out Dennis is one of twenty-three personalities living inside the body of one man, and there could be an even more menacing twenty-fourth personality on the way... Will Casey and her friends escape before it's too late?

We talk about the key principles of controlling a conversation; the benefits of excessive violence against the extremely vulnerable; and (as ever) the importance of sticking to your principles.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

Weren't there those two guys on a podcast a while ago... what were their names?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 77... and no more being kept in the dark...

Under the Shadow (2016) tells the story of Shideh, a young woman trying to protect her daughter during a major barrage attack in the Iran-Iraq War. During the attack, a missile hits their apartment but fails to detonate. A neighbour claims that the bomb brought with it an evil spirit, and Shideh's world is turned upside down...

We talk about the importance of getting your priorities right; a balanced approach to stress-management; and some common sense parenting advice when you find yourself in a warzone.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

The movie is in Farsi, so there's no pithy quote to put here, but according to IMDB the movie was actually shot in Jordan, not Iran. So there.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 76... and no more keeping you in the dark...

Lights Out (2016) tells the story of Rebecca and Martin, two siblings whose lives are turned upside down when a ghost from their mother's past re-emerges. But this is no figurative ghost... it's an actual demon who can only attack in the dark.

We talk about the very real risk of killer candles; the dying art of neighbourly charity; and the importance of rigorous ethical approval in experimental science.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

There's no you without me!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 75... and everything is permitted...

Assassin's Creed (2016) tells the story Cal Lynch, a man who is taken from death row (after being executed) to a research facility run by The Knights Templar.

Cal is forced to live out the memories of his ancestor, a master assassin whose only goal in life was to keep the mysterious Apple of Eden from falling into the hands of The Knights Templar. 

We talk about the benefits of having nothing to lose; the merits of doing a thorough job in killing your enemies (especially when you're an assassin); and as always, the benefits of clear and concise communication.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

We work in the dark to serve the light.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 74... and time to wake up...

Passengers (2016) tells the story of Jim, a passenger aboard an interstellar spaceship which is heading to a new settlement. The passengers are all kept in a state of hibernation for the 120 year journey. Disaster strikes, and Jim wakes up. Driven mad by loneliness, will he wake up another passenger, Aurora, sentencing her to death for his own selfish ends? Yes he will. But will they survive?

We talk about the difficulty of creating working robotic legs well in advance of them being useful; a well-calculated economy of sharing out a lifespan; and some of the most glaring mistakes in the history of spaceship design.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... 

If you live an ordinary life, all you'll have are ordinary stories.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 73... and have you ever seen fire in zero gravity? It's beautiful...

Event Horizon (1997) tells the story of the crew of the Lewis and Clark, a spacecraft on a mission to recover another ship (the Event Horizon) which has been missing for seven years. When they reach the Event Horizon (accompanied by the ship's designer, Dr. Weir), the crew are overwhelmed by ghostly events and their very survival is soon at stake.

We talk about how keeping your hands to yourself is generally a safe option; the importance of leaving haunted vessels where they are; and the subtle differences in latin phrases.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... we created How to Survive to reach the stars, but she's gone much, much farther than that. She tore a hole in our universe, a gateway to another dimension. A dimension of pure chaos. Pure... evil. When she crossed over, she was just a ship. But when she came back... she was alive! 

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 72... and the cash cow is ready for milking...

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016) tells the story of Jyn Erso, a young woman who is caught up in the rebel's fight against the empire directly before the events of Star Wars (1977). Jyn and her new friend Casian head a mission to steal the plans for the Death Star to give the rebels a chance to blow it up.

We talk about the benefits of wireless communication; the advantages of having an entire droid army at your disposal; and the risks of keeping your unstoppable secret weapon hidden away until the fight is practically over.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... the power we're dealing with here is immeasurable.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's the second of our 2016 Christmas Special!

Die Hard (1989) tells the story of John McClain, an NYPD cop who will stop at nothing to save a group of hostages from Hans Gruber, a terrorist mastermind who is staging a complex robbery at McClain's wife's Christmas Party!

We talk about the greatest movie villain of all time; the importance of professionalism from emergency services staff; and the dangers of shouting your thoughts when you're trying to remain inconspicuous. 

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... Hans, babe, put away the gun, this is radio, not television.Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Another movie solved by the greatest film podcast in the world!

It's the first of our 2016 Christmas Specials!

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992) tells the story of Kevin McCallister, a young boy who becomes separated from his family at the airport, and ends up fending for himself in New York City. To make things even more complicated, Kevin is facing off against his past foes, The Wet Bandits (who have now rebranded...).

We talk about the importance of learning from your mistakes; the risks of a lax approach to workplace safety, and a professional weighs in on just how much The McCallister Family should be trusted to raise children.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...Get Outta here you nosey little pervert or I'm gonna slap you silly!!!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 71... and it's all hands on deck...

Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (1989) tells the story of a group of hapless teenagers who get killed by Jason Vorhees. Some of them get killed on a boat. 5 minutes of the movie takes place in Manhattan where some others are killed and then Jason gets killed (but he's probably not dead). There we saved you having to watch it.

We talk about the risks of holding unlicensed boxing matches whilst at sea, with no medical personnel anywhere around; the importance of using doors properly; and the responsibilities of the urban planning committee to ensure the waste disposal is properly carried out throughout the city of New York.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...You don't wanna end up drowning like that Voorhees boy, do you? He never learned how to swim, either. And he's still at the bottom of this lake.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 70... and everybody's favourite metamorphosing pets...

Gremlins (1984) tells the story of Billy, a young man whose father buys him a strange mystical pet for Christmas. Before long, Billy accidentally causes the pet to multiply, generating dozens of gremlins who terrorise his town - and its up to Billy to stop them.

We talk about the importance of clear communication when the stakes are high; the simple mechanics of kicking small animals; and just how an inventor can be so badly wasted in a movie.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... I warned you. With podcast comes great responsibility. But you didn't listen.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 69... and there's magic in the air...

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them (2016) tells the story of Newt Scamander, a collector and protector of magical animals. Newt travels to New York city, where he immediately loses his magical animals and ends up embroiled in all kinds of mayhem while he hunts them down. (Also it's set in the Harry Potter universe)

We talk about the lax approach to HR management exhibited by the American magical society (I can't remember their name and I'm damned if I'm going to look it up); the importance of keeping a cool head in order to prevent blowing your cover; and just how easily a senator's death can be swept under the rug.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... I ain't got the brains to make this up.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 68... and the world's greatest movie dad is taking on some aliens!

War of the Worlds (2005) tells the story of Ray, a deadbeat father who is forced to step up and be there for his children when everything they ever knew or loved is destroyed by aliens. 

We talk about the worst father in movie history; the benefits of planning an invasion properly; and just how much someone can overact when sitting on a chair...

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... this is not a war any more than there's a war between men and maggots... This is an extermination.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 67... and we've arrived...

Arrival (2016) tells the story of a doctor of linguistics as she is enlisted by the US Army to help talk to some newly arrived aliens. Why are the aliens here? We can say literally nothing about it without spoiling it...

We talk about the difficulties of teaching a non-human species to speak a human language; the relative futility of keeping an internationally televised invasion a secret; and just how useless a theoretical physicist is when you need to action!

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... If you could see your whole life laid out in front of you, would you change things?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 66... Konichiwa!

Battle Royale (2000) tells the story of a class of Japanese school children (primarily through two classmates: Nanahara and Noriko). The class is kidnapped and taken to a remote island where they are then forced to fight to the death by their teacher, Kitano. Hilarity ensues.

We talk about the merits of taking advantage of people's vulnerable emotional state; the benefits of a tower-defence approach to beginning the game; and a tense debate about whether it's better to opt out, or play with the effort you can muster.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...today's lesson is, you kill each other off till there's only one left. Nothing's against the rules.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 65... and may the odds ever be in your favour...

The Hunger Games (2012) tells the story of Katniss Everdeen, a young woman who is forced to take part in a death match against other youngsters, but you can bet she'll make some friends along the way...

We talk about some of the stupidest names in movie history; the best way to produce a death match for television; and our most fierce debate yet: should players just kill everyone around them?

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... He can throw a hundred pound sack of flour right over his head. I've seen it.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 64... and the best movie we've ever seen which features a taxi driver being taken hostage by a hitman...

Collateral (2004) tells the story of Max, an LA taxi driver who picks up the wrong fare. The wrong fare is Vincent, a hitman who forces Max to drive him around the city as he kills everyone on his list. 

We talk about the importance of not leaving your work to the last minute; the logistics of hiring a car when anonymity is essential; and the benefits of just walking away...

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... Bullets and the fall killed him.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's Halloween, and a special treat for our favourite Halloweenies!

This is the How to Survive: Trick or Treat Extravaganza 2016.

This is the 'Trickt' episode, and we're talking about one of the scariest horror movies of recent years.

Check back later today for the 'Trick' episode.

It's Halloween, and a special treat for our favourite Halloweenies!

This is the How to Survive: Trick or Treat Extravaganza 2016.

This is the 'Treat' episode, and we're talking about one of the best modern horror movies of the past five years.

Check back later today for the 'Trick' episode.

It's episode 63... and the greatest hitman horror ever...

Kill List (2011) tells the story of Jay, a hitman who has been out of work for some time. Convinced to return to the job by his wife and his business partner, Jay's life is soon turned upside-down when he becomes embroiled in the world of the occult.

We talk about the benefits of gun modification; the benefits of acting like a Hackney crack addict; and how to become a hero of the working class.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... No more guitar, mate. Not in restaurants. There is a time and a place. And your time and place is in a very isolated location, where no-one is likely to be for about a hundred years. Ok?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 62... and a lesson in the world of love...

The Lobster (2015) tells the story of David, who lives in a society where anyone incapable of finding love will be turned into an animal after 45 days alone. David finds himself at an intensive relationship-building course at a hotel, with his deadline fast approaching.

We talk about the animals best equipped to survive; the benefits of being a cold-blooded killer; and how to set up the most generic dating profile in the world.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... If you encounter any problems you cannot resolve yourselves, you will be assigned children, that usually helps.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 61... and he's still out there... waiting...

Friday the 13th: Part VII The New Blood tells the story of Tina, a young woman with psychic powers (no, really) who has returned to Camp Crystal Lake to recover from the memories of killing her father there using her psychic powers (no, really) many years ago. The rest of the film is Jason Vorhees killing teenagers.

We talk about just how far the limits of psychic powers can be tested; the greatest Friday the 13th based quiz you'll hear this week; and we catch up on one of the most successful movie franchises of all time.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... KING TUT... RISES FROM THE TOMB!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 60, and are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Don't Breathe (2016) tells the story of Rocky, a young girl who attempts to rob a blind man's house in the dead of night along with her friends. They soon learn that being blind doesn't make this particular man any less mean, and the tables are quickly turned...

We take survival advice from an old video game; dust off some old survival favourites; and discuss the limitations of living in an area which lacks social mobility...

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... just because you're blind, doesn't make you a saint...

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 59... and a movie to remind you why The Blair Witch Project was so good...

Blair Witch (2016) tells the story of James: a young man whose sister went missing during the events of The Blair Witch Project (1999). Twenty years later, James heads into the woods to find her, taking his hapless friends and a bunch of high tech video equipment with him - but predictably, things don't pan out as he'd hoped.

We discuss one of the simplest ways to survive against one of the deadliest enemies; how to cope when a movie becomes too terrifying; and we uncover perhaps the greatest story of intrigue in the history of film marketing.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... this is "one of the scariest podcasts ever made".

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 58... and the deepest, bluest episode yet.

Deep Blue Sea (1999) tells the story of an off-shore research facility which becomes overrun by super-smart, super-strong, super sharks - and it's up to Dr. McCallister and her team to try to fend them off.

We discuss the risks of using rescue equipment to celebrate birthdays, the benefits of even the most rudimentary fail-safes in coast guard machinery; and the importance of a measured approach when using your own blood as bait.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...Grab hold of a hot pan, second can seem like an hour. Put your hands on a hot woman, an hour can seem like a second.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 57... and our gnarliest episode yet! 

The Shallows (2016) tells the story of Nancy, a surfer who travels alone to a secluded beach in Mexico and is attacked by a shark. She then spends the rest of the film trying to survive against the shark. 

We compare notes from around the web on shark survival tactics; confuse two factory-made British Girl Groups; and establish once-and-for-all the key difference between sharks and cats.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... It's okay... No Sharks Come Here.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 56... and a lesson in gardening...

The Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1976) tells the story of a Matthew Bennell and Elizabeth Driscoll, two officers at the Department of Health. The pair become embroiled in a fight for their lives when the population of the earth begin to be replaced by alien invaders.

We discuss the relative merits of living in an emotionless society; the benefits of a quick escape from danger; and the importance of avoiding comedic timing when delivering a joke which needs to conceal your emotions and reveal others' emotions.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... The rest of the world is trying to change people for fit the world. I'm trying to change the world to fit people.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 55... and we're having an identity crisis...

The Thing (1982) tells the story of a group of researchers in the antarctic who are infiltrated by an alien which can take on the form of any living thing it comes into contact with (but not before killing them first).

We discuss the difficulties of discerning between Scandinavian nationalities; the intricacies of the world's most advanced data analysis software; and just why a scientific research team has the weapons capabilities of a small country...

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... I'd rather not spend the rest of this winter TIED TO THE F*CKING COUCH!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 54... and we're trying to cover the fact that we're actually cold, dead robots with a look at one of the coldest robots in modern cinema...

Ex Machina (2015) tells the story of Caleb; a young man who travels to visit the home of an elusive genius in order to carry out a turing test on the world's first fully intelligent robot - but all is not what it seems... and before long Caleb is plunged into a puzzle that causes him to question his ethics, his sanity and even his humanity...

We stress the importance of moderate alcohol consumption; the difficulties of data security in the digital age; and above all, the risks of falling head over heels in love with machinery.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... Isn't it strange, to create something that hates you?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 53...which means How to Survive has been going on every week for a whole year, and we will not stop, ever, until you are dead.

This week we confront one of the most emotionless, mechanical, soulless creatures in Hollywood history - James Cameron! But wait, it's back when he was good! That's right, it's The Terminator (1984), with Arnold Schwarzenegger making his How to Survive bow as the titular technological terror.

We debate the questionable sleeping habits of technophobic time-travellers, wonder why the T-101's deadeye aim abandons him at the crucial moment, and ask ourselves just how much celebratory alcohol can two men drink before the podcast becomes completely nonsensical?

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...there's a storm coming.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 52...but have no fear little ones, we are here to protect thee!

This week we're diving into British horror classic The Omen (1976) to tackle cinema's most enduring troublesome tyke. US ambassador Robert Thorn is happily married with their child Damien in tow, but is the boy in question all he appears? Could he, or possibly an international satanic conspiracy dedicated to him, be responsible for the sudden and grisly deaths of Robert's friends and associates?

We debate nature vs nurture theories of child rearing, query whether political correctness really has gone mad and confront maybe the greatest terror we've ever faced - elevators in 1970s Italian hospitals.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure...it's all for you Damien!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 51... and a welcome return for cinema's greatest character!

Jason Lives: Friday the 13th Part VI (1986) tells the story of Tommy Jarvis (again) and his fight to overcome a hockey-masked murderer for the third time in a row. It will shock you to learn that some teenagers die in unbelievable ways, but it will shock you more to learn that the franchise has finally grown a sense of humour...

We talk about the greatest silent movie hero since Buster Keaton; the benefits of yoga in preventing a broken spine; and the benefits of using a lifejacket around open bodies of water.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... I've seen enough horror movies to know any weirdo wearing a mask is never friendly.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's The How to Survive Survivor's Hall of Fame 2016!

It's episode 50, so we're looking back over all the movies we've covered and deciding who should enter the How to Survive Hall of Fame for 2016.

Keep the Tweets coming in: @howtosurvivepod

Email us at: howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's The How to Survive Survivor's Hall of Fame 2016!

In this episode, we discuss a spotlight survivor. Someone who defied expectation and stood out as a model for everyone else in their movie, but didn't go quite far enough to make it into the Hall of Fame.

This is the third runner-up: Mark Watney

Keep the Tweets coming in: @howtosurvivepod

Email us at: howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's The How to Survive Survivor's Hall of Fame 2016!

In this episode, we discuss a spotlight survivor. Someone who defied expectation and stood out as a model for everyone else in their movie, but didn't go quite far enough to make it into the Hall of Fame.

This is the second runner-up: Chev Chelios

Keep the Tweets coming in: @howtosurvivepod

Email us at: howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's The How to Survive Survivor's Hall of Fame 2016!

In this episode, we discuss a spotlight survivor. Someone who defied expectation and stood out as a model for everyone else in their movie, but didn't go quite far enough to make it into the Hall of Fame.

This is the first runner-up: Rose DeWitt

Keep the Tweets coming in: @howtosurvivepod

Email us at: howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's The How to Survive Survivor's Hall of Fame 2016!

In the run up to the official Hall of Fame episode, we're releasing a series of mini episodes where we discuss our criteria for entering the Hall of Fame, and take a look at some of our favourite survivors.

This is the first episode: The Losers.

Keep the Tweets coming in: @howtosurvivepod

Email us at: howtosurviveshow@gmail.com

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 49... and time to kick some alien ass!

Independence Day: Resurgence (2016) tells the story of the brightest and bravest minds alive on planet earth as they defend the planet from another alien attack. Set 20 years after the original film, they can expect a bigger threat from a bigger, badder enemy. Without Will Smith...

We debate whether the movie is 'good fun' or 'unforgiveable rubbish'; the ethics of keeping prisoners of space wars; and the relative flaws in doing a job yourself when you have literally thousands of people to do it for you.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... it's definitely bigger than the last one...

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 48... with a twist you'll never see coming (or see coming within 2 minutes...)

Goodnight Mommy (2014) (known as Ich Seh Ich Seh in some territories) tells the story of twin boys Elias and Lukas as they adjust to their mother's new personality after she undergoes facial surgery. In time, they start to wonder whether she really is their mother, or an imposter hiding under the bandages...

We talk about the dangers of keeping a cockroach farm in your house; the benefits of an over-the-top approach to fire safety; and we ask whether this could a rare example of a trailer being immensely more enjoyable that the actual film.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... mum's the word!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 47... all work and no play makes How to Survive a dull podcast.. 

The Shining (1980) tells the story of Jack Torrance and his family during their stint as caretakers of The Overlook Hotel. The hotel appears to be linked to some kind of supernatural force which combines clairvoyance, telepathy and general malevolence, eventually causing Jack's sanity to come into question.

We talk about the logistics of cross-country telepathy; how to stay motivated when working on a novel; and the importance of always accounting for Delbert Grady.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... Podcasts are like people: some shine and some don't.

Another classic film solved by thev best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 46... and there's no room for panic...

Panic Room (20012 tells the story of a mother and daughter who have just moved into a new home in the city. The home comes equipped with a panic room, which is lucky because during their first night in the house, some burglars break in and try to rob them. 

We talk about the dangers of drinking in the bath; aiming too high with your plans for a robbery; and the difficult value judgement in calling the emergency services or calling a sleeping man with no experience of siege situations.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... It's disgusting how much I love you.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 45... and a lesson in playing impromptu gigs at Nazi clubs!

Note: We recorded this episode a few weeks ago. Since then, we've heard the tragic news of Anton Yelchin's death. Yelchin played Pat in this week's movie. It was a quality performance, which made it very clear that he was a talented actor with a big future ahead of him.

There's not much that we can add without sounding exploitative or cliche, but naturally our hearts are with his loved ones, and although it's probably impossible to watch his movies without a certain filter of tragedy, we'd encourage you to seek one out in memoriam. 

Green Room (2016) tells the story of a punk band who play a gig at a neo-nazi club. After their set, they stumble across a recent murder which the nazis are keen to keep quiet... and it all goes down-hill from there.

We talk about the importance of safety around dogs; rational processes for mellowing aggressive individuals; and the relative dangers of telling the audience at your gig to 'eff off'.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... tell somebody who gives a sh*t.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 44! Have you heard the one about the woman who went deaf and got stalked by a murderer? Don't worry, neither has she!

Hush (2016) tells the story of Maddie, a deaf woman who lives alone in the woods. One evening, she is visited by a murderer who plans to use her hearing-impairment against her, and it's up to Maddie to work out how to survive.

We talk about the importance of good food preparation; the benefits of being a sovereign citizen; and the relative difficulties of managing a siege when you can't hear a break-in.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... when you've had a particularly bad bout of bacterial meningitis, no-one can hear you scream!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 43! The only thing worse than going blind is going blind while being stalked by a murderer...

Julia's Eyes (2010) tells the story of Julia, a woman with a degenerative eye disease. After her twin sister is murdered, Julia begins a hunt for the killer, but she's in a race against time as her vision is slowly growing weaker...

We talk about appropriate footwear for recovering from eye surgery; some top tips for pretending your eyes don't work; and a gripping appraisal of bathroom lighting safety.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... When I look into your eyes, I see the universe!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 42! There's a new toy that everybody's keen to possess... (see what I did there?)

Child's Play (1988) tells the story of Charles Lee Ray. A serial killer who, with his final breaths, uses voodoo magic to possess a child's doll. Thereafter, he goes on a murderous rampage, with his 'owner' Andy dragging along behind him.

We talk about the importance of gun safety in a highly built up area; the ecological benefits of double glazing; and just how difficult it must be to overpower a doll...

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... You're an abomination. An outrage against nature. You've perverted everything we've taught you and used it for evil, and you have to be stopped!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 41!

Fortunately, we're not heading back to Crystal Lake! And Jason Vorhees isn't killing teenagers! Unfortunately, someone else is...

Friday the 13th: A New Beginning (1985) tells the story of Tommy Jarvis. Now grown up, Tommy is haunted by the ghostly apparition of Jason Vorhees, and the trauma he suffered as a youngster. Whilst staying at a convalescent home for young people with mental health issues, Tommy is thrown back into chaos as the young people around him are picked off... one by one...

We talk about the age old tradition of singing with your partner whilst taking a poo; the single worst twist in all of movie history; and two characters who will be remembered for all of time as the most reprehensibly two-dimensional tropes ever created.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... We can't wait for Jason to come back...

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 40! Of all the mythical woodland creatures on earth, what could be friendlier than the North American Sasquatch?

Willow Creek (2013) tells the story of a young couple who head into the great American wilderness to make a documentary about a bigfoot sighting. The sighting took place 40 years earlier, but that doesn't stop our heroes from trying to get up close and personal with the elusive 'Bigfoot'.

We talk about the essential practice of taking 'the essentials' on a hiking trip; the best time to propose marriage to someone; and a lively appraisal of bigfoot movies of the past.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... why don't you get yourself a slice of pie at the f*ck off café?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 39! Whatever you do... stay in the house!

Coherence (2013) tells the story of a group of friends having a dinner party. The evening starts well enough, but soon descends into terror as a comet passing near the earth appears to have an unusual effect on the evening's proceedings.

If you've seen Coherence, you might be thinking 'I wonder if they're going to do something clever to reflect the form of the film'.

But that would've required a level of planning, and writing, and performance that our brave podmasters quite simply have no energy for.

Instead, we talk about the safety concerns of insulting a spurned lover rather than consoling them; the benefits of a landline (partciularly for accident prone mobile phone owners); and the best way to avoid disposing of a body in a blackhole without falling in yourself.

All of which leads to one big question: 

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... if there are a million different realities, I have slept with your wife in every one of them

 Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

A Long Long Time Ago, on a Podcast Far Far Away...

It's episode 38!

Luke Skywalker has vanished.
In his absence, the sinister
FIRST ORDER has risen
from the ashes of the Empire
and will not rest until Skywalker, the last Jedi,
has been destroyed.

This week to celebrate May the 4th, we're suspending the usual How to Survive discussion in favour of discussing the latest Star Wars movie. With one notable exception, the characters all survive the movie, so we're just talking straight Star Wars.

We talk about The Skywalker Family past, present and future; The Star Wars franchise, past, present and future; and just how much money can you make from remaking the most famous movie of all time...  all of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... The Force is strong with you!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This is re-uploaded because iTunes didn't like the last one...

It's episode 35! Start your engines. mirror, signal and manoeuvre - it's time for a high speed death chase on the Fury Road! Witness!

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) tells the story of Max... a man who is mad. Max finds himself assisting in a rescue mission. The ringleader of the operation is Imperator Furiosa who is trying to save five women from sexual slavery at the hands of the evil tyrant Immortan Joe. The only problem is, Joe wants the women back, and is willing to chase them to the ends of the earth.

We talk about whether it's easier to survive being sane or mad when surrounded by madness; the benefits of The Highway Code; and the relative merits of being a benevolent dictator instead of a tyrant.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... I am awaited in Valhalla!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 37, and a returning favourite: Lt. Ellen Ripley and her travelling band of Alien killers.

Aliens (1986) sees Ripley wake up to find out that everyone she ever knew has died... but every cloud has a silver lining. Ripley is able to put her grief and PTSD to good use by travelling with a group of Space Marines to fight an entire planet of Xenomorphs for one of the most iconic action movies of all time.

We talk about one of the importance of crisis management when your career involves being in a lot of crises; the cost/benefit trade-off of sending a group of robots to a planet instead of humans; and how Tower Defence games can benefit survival against a marauding pack of Star Beasts.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... Stop your grinnin' and drop your linen!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 36, and a movie which by definition is the most appropriate film we've ever discussed - The Survivalist!

The Survivalist (2016) tells the story of The Survivalist... a man who is a survivalist. The Survivalist has been surviving pretty well on his own out in the woods. He's got crops, shelter and decent defences - all until his world is turned upside down by the arrival of woman and her daughter. They group form an uneasy co-existence, which soon becomes a co-dependence, and his survival skills are pushed to their limits.

We talk about one of the most succinctly named villains in movie history; whether survival in a Darwinian sense is true survival; and we have an intense discussion about the benefits of different body effluvia as fertiliser.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... this is a movie about survival. 

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 35! Start your engines. mirror, signal and manoeuvre - it's time for a high speed death chase on the Fury Road! Witness!

Mad Max: Fury Road (2015) tells the story of Max... a man who is mad. Max finds himself assisting in a rescue mission. The ringleader of the operation is Imperator Furiosa who is trying to save five women from sexual slavery at the hands of the evil tyrant Immortan Joe. The only problem is, Joe wants the women back, and is willing to chase them to the ends of the earth.

We talk about whether it's easier to survive being sane or mad when surrounded by madness; the benefits of The Highway Code; and the relative merits of being a benevolent dictator instead of a tyrant.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... I am awaited in Valhalla!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's episode 34. It's the 1630s in New England. As long as you keep your heart to God, the only thing you have to fear is your entire family being killed by the demonic forces of Satan...

The Witch (2016) tells the story of William and his family. Ejected from a settlement of puritans for being too preachy, William's family set up a farm out in the wilderness. But all is not as it seems, and before long, demonic forces begin to test the family, threatening their faith, sanity and lives.

We talk about important steps you should take to avoid being accused of witchcraft; the importance of thoroughly chewing your food; and the difficulties of being so religious socialising becomes impossible.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... Corruption, thou art my father!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

If you liked Cloverfield, then you'll love 10 Cloverfield Lane - a movie that has nothing to do with the original Cloverfield except one word in the title!

10 Cloverfield Lane (2016) tells the story of Michelle, a woman who wakes up after a car accident to find she is being kept in an underground bunker by a mad man named Howard. It soon becomes evident that there has been an attack outside of the bunker, so Howard becomes both her prison warden and her salvation - but everything is not as it seems.

We talk about the difficulties of tricking a person who is predisposed to be paranoid about everything they encounter; the fine margins between maintaining uncomfortable safety and incurring the murderous wrath of a lunatic; and the most sudden and terrifying beard-shave in all of cinema history.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... It's the end of the world, and he's upset about a dead pig...

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's 32 episodes, but we've finally found a slasher film which stands up to scrutiny - it's You're Next!

You're Next (2013) is the story of Erin, who is visiting her boyfriend's wealthy parents and the rest of the family at a secluded mansion in rural America - but trouble is afoot. Before long, they are besieged and murdered one at a time by a gang of men wearing animal masks - and it's up to Erin to forge a survival plan.

We talk about the pros and cons of being a weapons dealer; the logistics of fighting whilst wearing a mask which basically blinds you; and the relative benefits of continually expecting a crossbow bolt to fly in through the window.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... it pays to grow up in a survivalist compound.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

We're heading back to Camp Crystal Lake - I hope nothing bad happens... it's Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter!

Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter tells the story of a group of teenagers who visit 'Camp Crystal Lake' for a weekend of fun. Whilst there, they are attacked and murdered one-by-one by the marauding Jason Vorhees. - and if that sounds familiar, well done for paying attention.

We talk about how its possible for a film series to go backwards in the development of its characters; what may be the most pointless scene in all of movie history; and as is custom, we have a frank and lively discussion about what we have learned about Jason Vorhees.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... you are the superbowl of self-abuse!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week, a movie with a moral compass that would make Ghengis Khan run for the hills... it's Crank!

Crank (2006) tells the story of Chev Chelios, a hit man who grew a conscience at the wrong time. After failing to carry out a hit, Chev has been injected with a 'Chinese Poison'. The poison has shut down his adrenaline production and now his heart will stop if he fails to produce his own... so now he's on a runaway rampage of revenge and really unpleasant behaviour.

We talk about whether a film with no brain can be criticised for poor representations of everyone in it; the fine line between a healthy dose and an overdose; and the difficulties of finding an adrenaline burst in every day activities.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... It's the stimulation of your blood vessels. Your urinary sphincter's tight as a knot right now. You couldn't p*** to save your life.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

The wheels on the bus go round and round - and if the slow down the bomb on the bus will blow up! It's Speed!

Speed (1994) tells the story of Jack Travers - an LA Cop who messed with the wrong maniac. Now it's up to him to save a bus-load of people from certain doom. As soon as the bus goes above 50mph, the bomb is armed - but if it drops below 50, it's bye bye bus!

We talk about cinema's least consistent bad boy; how a man is able to source major technological equipment on a pension; and the difficulties of fighting to the death when you only have 9 fingers.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... You're not too bright, man, but ya got some big round hairy cajones.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week we're covering a horror movie lover's horror movie - it's Scream 2!

Scream 2 (1997) picks up a few months after the events of Scream. Sydney is now at university, but finds herself plagued anew by a marauder in a ghost face mask. As is custom, her friends are picked off one-by-one, leading to a final showdown with the killer - but who could it be?

We talk about the difficulties of relying on a film's mythology in a murder mystery; the pros and cons of gun ownership when you're being hunted by a masked murderer; and of course, how to use horror movie knowledge to your benefit.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... This is a perfect example of life imitating art imitating life.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Wake up Sleepyheads! It's time for the remake of a Nightmare on Elm Street!

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) tells the story of A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984). Only this time, it's gorier, more unpleasant, less innovative, less exciting, it makes less sense, has uncomfortable themes, less appealing characters, worse special effects, a worse story, worse setting, worse characters and a worse ending.

So look forward to an unbiased and straight-laced review.

We talk about a disappointing change in the motives of the villain; a complete lack of appealing or interesting characters; and a frank discussion of the technical capabilities of open-source search engines.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... you're dreaming, but you don't know it. Like, even if you're awake. And then it says that after that, your brain will shut down, inducing a coma. Which is permanent sleep.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week we're getting wet and wild with The Poseidon Adventure!

The Poseidon Adventure (1972) tells the story of a capsized super-liner travelling between New York and Athens (Greece, not Georgia). It falls to Reverend Frank Scott to help a group of misfits survive by climbing to the bottom of the ship (which is now the top...)

We talk about the likelihood of suffering a fatal heart attack shortly after revealing a world-record breaking talent; the upsetting lack of mettle shown by a maritime commander; and the logistics of a gyroscopic ship. 

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... In the water, I'm a very skinny lady.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week we're keeping warm with The Towering Inferno!

The Towering Inferno (1974) is widely considered the greatest of the run of 70s disaster movies. It tells the story of the world's tallest skyscraper, and what would happen if a huge fire started on the 80th floor, with the creme de la creme of San Francisco 50 floors above!

We talk about improving the efficiency of a one-person chair lift; the difficulty of forgetting about 6 million gallons of water; and the ease at which a fire can be extinguished by running past it.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... It's a fire, mister, and all fires are bad!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

For Episode 24, we're back in the Wild West, holding off a tribe of cannibal Native Americans. It's Bone Tomahawk!

After three people are kidnapped from the town of Bright Hope by a tribe of cave-dwelling creeps, it falls to four men to save the day. They are the town sheriff, his hapless deputy, Jack from Lost and a man with a broken leg.

We talk about the difficulty of bridging the gap between horror and any other genres; the merits of calling for reinforcements when heading into any hostile situation; and once again, how it pays not to be a swaggering chauvinist.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one things for sure... that tea smells awful!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's Episode 23, and we're talking about the latest movie to feature Leonardo DiCaprio sleeping in a horse's carcass: The Revenant.

Hugh Glass is in dire straits. He's been attacked by indians, bears and even his colleagues, and now he's been left for dead. The only thing left to do is travel across the great American wilderness, on foot, during the harshest winter imaginable.

We talk about the importance of friendship in ensuring a safe and successful Manifest Destiny; the relative merits of hunting marine animals for profits; and we even take Ray Mears to task on his frankly dangerous advice about bears.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one things for sure... revenge is in God's hands .

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's Episode 21 of How to Survive and that can mean only one thing: It's Friday the 13th Part 3!

The film centres around a group of teenagers who head to a campsite on a lake. Once there, they are attacked and murdered by a marauding maniac. Before you say 'that sounds familiar' you should bear in mind that this movie is very different because Jason wears a new mask.

We talk about the thin but important line between making friends on the one hand, and alienating everyone around you on the other; the inherent difficulty of surviving against a killer whose only definable trait is 'he might or might not come back from the dead'; and the benefits of looking at the physical characteristics of a person before assuming they are someone you know.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one things for sure... Would you be yourself if you looked like this?

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week we're talking about a 2015 Horror/Comedy based (very loosely) on the Scandinavian legend of Krampus!

Krampus (2015) tells the story of a family who have lost their Christmas spirit. Despite the best efforts of the the youngest child, Max, to generate some festive cheer, the group are punished for forgetting the true meaning of Christmas by a shadowy demon called 'Krampus'

We talk about the difficulties of bridging horror and comedy; the benefits of remembering one simple and easily achievable survival method; and we dig into some top tips from the SAS. 

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... Weihnachten ist die beste Zeit des Jahres.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week we're talking about the movie that made Macaulay Culkin the man he is today... it's Home Alone!

Home Alone (1990) tells the story of Kevin McCallister, an eight year old boy left alone (at home...) for the Christmas holiday. Which would probably have been fine, were it not for the marauding burglars attempting to break into his house.

We talk about why Kevin McCallister is an ideal Treadstone subject; the general incompetence of everyone over the age of 8; and of course, the dangers of standing under a blow torch for 7 unbroken seconds.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... we're gonna give you to the count of ten to download this podcast. One... Two... Ten!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This movie is also known as 'Blackfoot Trail' in some territories.

If you haven't seen it, head to howtosurviveshow.com to find a link to your own copy.

The movie is from the fringes of the horror genre, but is more than welcome in a discussion about movie survival.

Backcountry (2014) tells the story of two hikers, Jenn and Alex, who become badly lost in the Canadian Wilderness. They manage to keep their wits about them for a short time, before they have a run in with a wild black bear!

We talk about a rod-for-your-own-back approach to food preparation; the pressures of a modern man to live up to unattainable levels of masculinity; and how best to take on a black bear, based on the advice of a 'How-To' blog with questionable expertise.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... we don't know how much this will cost you, we just know how much you pay!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

This week we're talking about the head, the tail, the whole damn thing... it's Jaws!

Steven Spielberg's Jaws (1975) was the first summer blockbuster - and what a blockbuster it was! Jaws tells the story of Police Chief Martin Brody, and his attempts to keep the island town of Amity safe from a marauding great-white with a taste for tourists.

We talk about the questionable business acumen displayed by a small-town mayor; the appropriateness of a seaside town hiring a Police Chief with a fear of water; and the pros and cons of giving a whole town a deadly neurological disease.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... we're gonna need a bigger boat!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's the catchiest thing to come from monkeys since 'I'm a believer': It's 28 Days Later.

Danny Boyle's 2002 classic is as influential as any 'zombie' film before or since. A massively impactful, bleak and visually astounding movie which takes you on an emotional rollercoaster from start to finish.

We talk about the survival limitations of a high population density; the difficult of catching an outbound flight from a train station; and how a taxi driver came to own police riot gear (or a riot officer came to own a taxi).

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... that's not a lion, it's a giraffe!

P.s. We know it's spelled 'Monkees'. The joke wouldn't work with the correct spelling. 

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

It's Episode 15 of How to Survive, and we're off to the shops! 

This week's focus is on Dawn of the Dead (1978), George A. Romero's classic zombie movie where the action goes down in an American shopping mall. The movie is perhaps more satirical than terrifying - especially by modern standards, but it still holds up as a classic movie, and a massively influential horror.

We talk about the benefits of focusing all of your waking thoughts on one thing at all times; the importance of never expressing any emotion; and the misplaced priorities of a biker gang armed with cream pies.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... we're thieves and we're bad guys... that's exactly what we are!

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.

Episode 14 of How to Survive is out of this world! We're talking about survival tactics for Matt Damon in The Martian (2015).

The Martian tells the story of Mark Watney, a Mars astronaut who is left behind on the planet after an accident. He must spend the next few years surviving against the brutal Martian elements while his pals at NASA think of a way to get him home.

We talk about how believable each character's portrayal is, how to exploit real-world scientific phenomena to survive in the movie's fictional events, and the monumental collective cost of saving Matt Damon in all of his movies.

All of which leads to one big question:

How would you survive?

Whatever happens, one thing's for sure... Chris and Joe are steely-eyed missile men.

Another classic film solved by the best movie podcast in the world.