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Acting out in an affair are often signs of problems with the person's life. A push / pull dynamic can fuel the infidelity. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about the causes and how to recover from the pain of infidelity.

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Transcript:

Laurie Watson:                  Adam, we're going to talk about extramarital affairs today, a difficult subject and something that certainly brings up a lot of pain for couples, but we want to offer some hope and some new ways to think about it. Hello again, and welcome to Foreplay – Radio Sex Therapy. I'm your host, certified sex therapist, Laurie Watson, author of Wanting Sex Again, and blogger at Psychology Today and WebMD , and I have with me Dr. Adam Mathews, my co-host, who's a couples therapist, psychotherapist, and President of NCAMFT. Foreplay is dedicated to helping couples keep it hot. Thanks for listening. Now, onto today's topic.

Adam Mathews:               A tricky subject today on the podcast, affairs, extramarital affairs. It's tricky for a lot of different reasons, right?

Laurie Watson:                  It is.

Adam Mathews:               People classify affairs in a lot of different ways, in how you label affairs whether, because then, a lot of people, it's not just a sexual affair, it can be an emotional affair. Some people are going to define kissing somebody else as an affair. Somebody might even just describe not telling their partner about a relationship that's forming with somebody that they're attracted to as an affair, and so it's wide-ranging and it's one of the more devastating things to a relationship, right? I think it's devastating in part because of how much it breaks the trust, the core trust in the relationship. It's for most people, especially people in committed monogamous relationships, they believe that their sexual relationship is like the primary boundary that distinguishes their relationship from every other relationship that they have in life, and so that primary boundary gets violated and it gets broken, and so it's very difficult to recover from something like that, but it is recoverable.

Laurie Watson:                  It is.

Adam Mathews:               There are ways that you can begin to move through a healing process in an affair.

Laurie Watson:                  And rebuild trust.

Adam Mathews:               And rebuild that trust.

Laurie Watson:                  Yeah.

Adam Mathews:               Right?

Laurie Watson:                  Yeah. I think that affairs happen for two reasons. One, an affair is a refuge from a relationship problem in the marriage, or in the committed partnership, but it also comes from a pain in a person's life. There's two forces often, or one or the other force that's happening. The classic midlife crises is the person who, maybe there are marital stressors, but they're facing aging, they're facing disappointments in their career.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  There are many internal issues that they're going through that caused them to act out and have an affair.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. Yeah. I would call this the push-pull effect, right? If there's relationship problems going on that can often be pushing them out of the relationship, where they turn to other things, or the internal that's pulling them towards something that they're wanting, that they feel like is lacking either in them internally or in the relationship, and so like recognizing that, those things, you then begin to just turn to something that you feel like is going to give you what you're lacking in that, either that safety in the relationship that you're not experiencing, the excitement, the attention, or it's going to satisfy that kind of pain.

Laurie Watson:                  Right. That's the push.

Adam Mathews:               That's the push.

Laurie Watson:                  That's the push out of the relationship, and the pull toward is what?

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. It is something that you're missing internally in yourself, confidence, loneliness, meaning in life, feeling like there's something that you're missing out on.

Laurie Watson:                  And they're trying to find that in a third-party.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. Right. It's difficult because those things, those things feel very real to the person that's seeking them out, right?

Laurie Watson:                  Yeah, and I'm aware as we're talking about this in a very methodical therapist-like way, we understand that if you've been betrayed, this is very painful.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  Very, very painful, and so we don't want to minimize the person who was in the relationship that did not step out their pain, but we also want you to think about this from two parts. I mean, this recruitment of a third-party actually allows stability to happen without real change, so the person maybe splits off and says, "Okay. I'm going to get my sex needs met over here. I'm going to keep my family intact, and that way, I can have what I need. I can feel stable without actually growing, developing, changing, or making the marriage better, or confronting the issues between myself and my partner, or in myself.

Adam Mathews:               Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I think it provides a sense of it's safer, right? It's safer than doing the hard work of addressing those things in the relationship or in the self, and I would say-

Laurie Watson:                  Temporarily say.

Adam Mathews:               Temporarily, yeah, and I think that oftentimes, when people, say the person that has been cheated on says that, "I was blindsided by this. I didn't see this coming," a lot of times, I think it's an effect of that because for a while, it makes the marriage or the committed relationship more stable than it was, and so it feels like things are good, and it's hard to see that, right? As a person that's been cheated on, you're feeling blindsided, you're feeling run over, you're feeling like it's extremely personal, like it's a reaction to you, and to a flaw that you have, or something that's wrong with you, which is not true, but it's hard to see that you didn't really miss something. It just, that introduction of that third person into the relationship made it feel more stable, but that doesn't last, right?

Laurie Watson:                  It doesn't. Right, and it's also false because the fantasy of who that person is includes you're always dressed up, you always have time for each other, you're not talking about the bills, you're not talking about the stressors of your kids.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  I mean, it's a fantasy, and there's very little that competes with that gilded fantasy.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. Yeah. I mean, there's lots of research that's just, might be helpful to mention too about the fact that affair relationships, people that leave their spouse for affair relationships, those relationships rarely last. Like the longest that they last, the top end is something like three years, so-

Laurie Watson:                  Wow, I didn't know that. I believe that.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  I mean, I think the problem with an affair in terms of the person who's acting out is they're not developing and growing. They're not changing.

Adam Mathews:               Right. Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  Whatever dynamic was not working in the marriage, they haven't fixed that.

Adam Mathews:               Right.

Laurie Watson:                  They haven't confronted it, and so how can they kind of expect that they're going to turn to another person? It's a fantasy to believe that, "I'm just with the wrong person."

Adam Mathews:               Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  As it turns out, we bring ourselves to every relationship, and so we're going to recreate similar problems.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah, your problems are going to follow you in those cases, because you're not actually dealing with anything that's significant, either in the relationship or within yourself, that's going to change it, so you end up having those same problems in the relationship if you fully lean into the affair relationship, right?

Laurie Watson:                  Yeah. Right.

Adam Mathews:               That when, to be able to do that, most people ... I am fully convinced that the vast majority of people do not go into their marriage or enter their long-term relationship feeling like they are going to have affairs, right?

Laurie Watson:                  Absolutely not.

Adam Mathews:               They're not planning on having an affair, and so to get into it, you have to begin to demonize the person that you're with to some extent, right?

Laurie Watson:                  Yeah.

Adam Mathews:               It's either at the very minimum, it's a belief, like you were saying, that they're the wrong person for me, that I'm just not supposed to be with them, and so you have to be able to do that to be able to then be with the affair partner, and so then with the affair partner, you begin to build them up higher than they actually are, right?

Laurie Watson:                  Yeah. I was treating a couple who had an incredibly sustainable marriage. They had been good friends for quite some time, and I mean, really had a good relationship, and somehow or another, an affair had entered in. I think what had happened was they went from this good relationship, and the partner who was having an affair began to tell themselves, "Well, this person is not really going to be with me in the way that I really want them to be with me sexually." The reason they denigrated their partner was because in their heart, the affair partner was truly monogamous, so the only way they could sort of justify what was happening was by saying, "But my partner isn't going to meet my needs, therefore, I need a new partner," because they were violating their own ethic.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  Their own ethic was one of being with one person, and so they couldn't do that without suddenly, kind of putting on the sunglasses and seeing all the flaws of their partner, and also putting on the rose-colored glasses and seeing all the blessings and the excitement of the new partner.

Adam Mathews:               Right.

Laurie Watson:                  I mean, in order to resolve this cognitive dissonance, we have to do something on the inside, and this is what the partner who was having the affair was doing, was just making their partner bad. Affairs do happen in good marriages.

Adam Mathews:               Absolutely, but that cognitive dissonance thing is important because it's very real, and it's helpful for the injured partner, the spouse that's been cheated on to understand that that is happening in the mind of the person that cheated, because it's not ... They almost have to ... A lot of times in, when an affair is happening, the partner will go, "Well, it's ..." They become a different person, right? They become a person, "I don't know who that person is," and that is the resolution of that cognitive dissonance.

Adam Mathews:               They're trying to resolve that, and in doing so, you have to almost become somebody that you're not to be able to have that affair. You have to look at the other person differently, build up the affair partner, and then choose between the, justify these behaviors that for most people, are behaviors that they say they would never engage in.

Laurie Watson:                  Right. I mean, I think the difficulty is people say it's, "The line in the sand," which is a very weird metaphor to me. Like a line in the sand is very shiftable, but anyway, the line in the sand is, "I was going to leave my partner if they cheated," and then they have their real partner cheat, and they realize, "But there's all this good in the marriage," and of course there's huge injury, and if they don't get help quickly, they can't resolve that.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  An affair is basically a solution that doesn't require the couple to face their inadequacies, in their relationship, and their sexual problems, the emotional distance or fusion, as we talked about last week, that result in a lack of eroticism.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. Laurie, why don't we come back after the break, and we want to be sure to tell you how we would deal with it in treatment, and keeping in mind that it is not an easy solution, but there is a solution and a way forward in relationship.

Laurie Watson:                  Okay. Yes, and there's hope, we believe. We want to remind all of you that we are thankful for the way you've shared the podcast. We continue to grow. It is our greatest honor when you share with a friend the work that we're doing and trying to help people so that they can make positive changes and strengthen their marriages and their partnerships.

Laurie Watson:                  We would like to invite you to our retreat in November. Loveandsex360.com is where you find us, and I think the last thing we'd like to say is both of us are doing intensives, so if you would like to work with us, let us know and call our centers. You can find us at foreplay-radio-sex-therapy .com.

Adam Mathews:               If you like what we're doing and want to help support us, we'd love for you to rate and review us on iTunes, so thanks for listening. All right. We are talking about affairs and how to move forward, believing that there's hope even when an affair happens in a relationship for there to be recovery, even without the injured partner having to compromise or to lay down their values, or to lay down their hurt, right? That doesn't have to happen. The affair partner doesn't have to live in the dog house forever in the relationship.

Adam Mathews:               There's ways to begin to move forward to have what I believe is actually a healthier relationship and a better relationship after an affair, if you're able to put into the work and kind of sustain through the really grueling process of recovering from one.

Laurie Watson:                  Yeah. I see couples who, the affair does signify essentially a cry for help in the marriage, and they go forward after treatment in a stronger, more intimate, more trusting place than they could have really gotten to without this crises, and nobody wants to go through that or think, "Isn't there a better way?"

Adam Mathews:               Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  There probably is a better way, but we also think that, like sometimes, a bone that breaks and is stronger when it heals after an affair, your marriage can be stronger.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. Yeah. What's the first step for you when you say, "How do we begin to deal with it?"

Laurie Watson:                  Yeah. First, we want to deal with the impact of it.

Adam Mathews:               Right.

Laurie Watson:                  The problem is, is that in the initial stage, it looks like the marriage is going to reorganize around the aftermath of the affair, instead of around the original problems that were kind of the push out of the relationship. We eventually, as a therapist and as a couple, you want to eventually get to the real problems. The difficulty with this is that the betrayed partner says, "You are saying it's my fault. You are making me responsible for this terrible, hurtful thing that has happened to me," and we're not. We know that it is terrible and hurtful what has happened.

Laurie Watson:                  You are not responsible for the pin that your partner pulled out of the grenade in the marriage. You are not responsible for that. You are responsible for the marriage in general and the problems that the two of you have co-created up until this point.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah, and Laurie, I mean, I think there's difficulty for me in that because I believe on some level, the partner that stepped out of the marriage has to take responsibility for their actions, right?

Laurie Watson:                  Yes.

Adam Mathews:               Nobody forced them to have an affair.

Laurie Watson:                  Right.

Adam Mathews:               Nobody forced them to cheat, or to step out, or to not talk about the problems, or whatever it was that they did. Nobody forced them to do that, right? There may be circumstances that were pressuring, that felt inevitable to them, that they didn't fully understand at the time, but nobody forced them to kiss somebody else, so nobody forced them to have sex with somebody else, to share intimate things with somebody else, and so talk to me about that because I just, I feel like they have to, that one of the first steps that has to happen is that they have to express some remorse, right?

Laurie Watson:                  Absolutely. Absolutely.

Adam Mathews:               If there's no remorse for the affair, then I don't know how to go forward in it.

Laurie Watson:                  Right, and they have to stop the affair if the marriage is going to go forward.

Adam Mathews:               Yes.

Laurie Watson:                  I mean, you can't be with somebody who is with somebody else, at least if that's what you want in terms of monogamy and a sole commitment. You can't do it, so yes, they have to stop the affair.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  They have to express remorse. I think for real healing, which doesn't happen right away, but for real healing, that person has to deeply understand the hurt that they have caused.

Adam Mathews:               Right. Yes, absolutely.

Laurie Watson:                  I think it's very painful in the beginning, because often, the affair partner is entitled. This is how they rationalize part of it, is they talk about, "Well, I have been hurt in this marriage, and this was my only path that I saw."

Adam Mathews:               Oh, sure.

Laurie Watson:                  That may be true for them. It is their only path that they saw, and they don't want to be labeled as a bad person.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. Absolutely, yeah. Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  The person who is betrayed says, "I didn't deserve this," and the person who stepped out says, "I'm not not a bad person."

Adam Mathews:               Yeah, and I think maybe that's the place that ... Maybe that's what you were saying before, is that to me, the person that's been injured, that's been cheated on has to eventually get to a place where they can separate what happened from the character of the person, that they're not a bad person. They've made really bad choices for the relationship, they made very injurous choices for the relationship, things that were, don't condone the affair or say the affair was okay. it was extremely hurtful, and we can sit with that while also saying the person that cheated is not a bad person. That in and of itself, I think takes some time, but I think it has to come as the person that cheated expresses remorse, and that remorse is heard and believed and genuine, followed by their actions of cutting off all contact with the affair partner, and then the person that's been cheating on, being able to express very specifically how they've been hurt.

Adam Mathews:               I hear a lot of people come in, and somebody is cheated and all that and they say, "Well, they should know how I feel. They should know how hurtful this is." Yes, like obviously, they should see that an affair is hurtful, but everybody's gets hurt by it in different ways and specific ways, and so being able to express that hurt and for that hurt to be heard and validated, I think is very important.

Laurie Watson:                  I think pursuers and distancers have affairs for different reasons.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah, absolutely.

Laurie Watson:                  Often, a pursuer will have an affair as a way to get the attention for their partner, like, "I am starving, and this other person has met my need either sexually or emotionally, and now it has become sexual," but it's oftentimes rooted in a point in time in the marriage where the pursuer has given up. "On the marriage, I've tried. I've tried to get through to you. I've screamed and hollered. I haven't been able to," and now they're in a distancing phase, and that's oftentimes when they will have the affair.

Laurie Watson:                  You would think that withdrawers wouldn't have affairs because they don't have that much pull to do it, but ironically, I see lots and lots of withdrawers having affairs, because I think its conflict is scary, intimacy is very difficult for them, and so they hide from that conflict in the primary relationship, but that reduces sexual feelings and eroticisms between them and their partner, and so they split that off into the affair partner.

Adam Mathews:               Absolutely.

Laurie Watson:                  "I'm going to have sex over here because I can't risk the intimacy that real sexuality in partnership demands of me."

Adam Mathews:               Yeah, it's too much.

Laurie Watson:                  "It's too much. It's too intense, and so I split these two things apart." You would think that withdrawers wouldn't do that, but they do, oftentimes have affairs, so-

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. Well, it's just a move outside of the relationship, so for withdrawers, it's a-

Laurie Watson:                  It's an absolute step away.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. For withdrawers, it's the ultimate withdraw from the relationship. For pursuers, it's the ultimate pursue, because you're looking at-

Laurie Watson:                  You're finally caught.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah, absolutely.

Laurie Watson:                  Somebody catches you. You chase, and they catch you, and that's so exciting.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. Well, and the hope of pursuers is that the distancing partner is going to see their affair and go, "Oh my gosh, I had neglected you. I should come towards you and move towards you in that."

Laurie Watson:                  Right. You are valuablae, because the pursuer often feels like they're not valuable to their partner, and so they're trying to get some of that with their outside partner.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  Yeah.

Adam Mathews:               I think after, as you-

Laurie Watson:                  I think the withdrawer is trying to avoid.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah, but you're dealing with that impact. You're dealing in that first step. You're dealing with the hurt. You're dealing with the remorse, but then, moving on to try to ... You call it finding meaning, right? I call it dealing with the decline of the [inaudible 00:20:39], whatever was the decline in the beginning, identifying that push-pull of what was happening before that both people are then responsible for, right?

Laurie Watson:                  Right.

Adam Mathews:               There's hard on both sides on the things that happened before the affair.

Laurie Watson:                  Yeah, and as we're learning sort of EFT, the languages, they're identifying their toxic cycle, right?

Adam Mathews:               Right.

Laurie Watson:                  How did they push and pull with each other? How did the pursuer chase, perhaps criticize, and that pushed the withdrawing partner away? The pursuer wasn't in some way soft enough or safe enough for the withdrawer to really talk about what was going on inside them, or how did the withdrawing partner make their pursuing partner so frantic by their withdrawal that they couldn't get it together, and that this pattern is repeated over and over in many aspects of their lives, certainly sexually?

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  I mean, people don't necessarily have affairs simply over sex. I mean, there is a sexual component, but often, the toxic cycle, and then healing that in the secondary phase of recovery is really important to understand what was going on at the time, where it is the affair fit into that cycle, and can they begin to see that this pattern may not work for them?

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. Yeah. This is often-

Laurie Watson:                  It doesn't work for them.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. This is often ... That part is often the hardest for the person that's been cheated on, right? The first phase of treatment for somebody in an affair, it's the partner that's done the cheating. It's hardest for them during that first phase, and it's harder for the partner that's been injured because talking about the cycle that happened before the affair often feels like condoning the affair, and it can feel like to them-

Laurie Watson:                  Or blaming them.

Adam Mathews:               Or blaming them for the affair, and so, and both things are not true, right? You're not blaming them or condoning the affair, but you're saying, "This is what was happening." Right? This was what was going on in your relationship. Your relationship was not the best before this.

Adam Mathews:               Right? I think a lot of times, you look back when something like an affair happens, and you romanticize, or you look back through rose-colored glasses on history, and you rewrite history a bit and go, "Our relationship was great. Our relationship was fine. Why would they ever do this?" Sometimes you can recognize the difficulty of it, but oftentimes, you look back and go, "The affair should never ... It doesn't fit in that cycle," which is not entirely true, and so you have to understand what was happening and finding that meaning, understanding that cycle so that you can begin to move forward and break that, right?

Laurie Watson:                  Exactly. In that recovery, we want the couple to basically find safety with each other so that vulnerability becomes possible again, sexual vulnerability, but also emotional vulnerability.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  The person who stepped out has to see how painful it was to their partner, and the partner has to see the binds and the difficulties that their partner who betrayed them was feeling, which is really hard work.

Adam Mathews:               It's such hard ... Yeah. Hard work.

Laurie Watson:                  It's such hard work.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah.

Laurie Watson:                  I know that one growth pattern for a man that I was seeing who'd had an affair, he said, "Well, my wife just isn't very creative sexually," and I said, "Do you share with her your sexual fantasies?" He's like, "Nope." I already knew that their sex life was pretty boring. The married couple's sex life was pretty boring, but his complaint was also without his vulnerability and sharing what he wanted and what he thought about, and all that kind of stuff, and so he just split that off, had the affair.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. We believe that it is possible. We kind of given you just a start. I mean obviously, this work needs an outside party. You need a therapist to help work you through this, preferably one that deals with affairs a lot.

Laurie Watson:                  I think you do.

Adam Mathews:               I mean, I think most couple therapists do, but finding one who kind of has a good framework for how to kind of help you move through it, and doing that work, it's difficult, it's hard, but there is hope for rebuilding your relationship. It takes a lot of time. I wish that this is not a quick process. Affair recovery is not ... It's slow, and oftentimes it feels like you're going backward.

Adam Mathews:               Part of the moving forward is really dealing with the flare-ups that come from what I classified as grief. Like it's, you're grieving the relationship that you had, and you're really building a new one, so a lot of times, those emotions flare up, especially for the injured partner, like it comes up randomly through very strange things, things that seemingly may not become-

Laurie Watson:                  Right. They get triggered.

Adam Mathews:               Yeah. They get triggered-

Laurie Watson:                  A politician in your city has an affair, or there's an affair on the movie that you go to see together.

Adam Mathews:               Oh, yeah, or you've somehow find yourself listening to the country station on Pandora, and every song is about an affair.

Laurie Watson:                  Right. Right, exactly. It's easy to get triggered.

Adam Mathews:               But you have to kind of be, learn how to deal with those triggers in your relationship and move forward, so really, just encourage you, if this is something that's happened in your relationship, don't ignore it. Please don't ignore it.

Laurie Watson:                  Yeah. Don't sweep it under the rug.

Adam Mathews:               Don't sweet it under the rug. It's a big deal.

Laurie Watson:                  And don't believe that your only choice is bitterness, that you just have to swallow that this is what happened.

Adam Mathews:               Absolutely. Yes.

Laurie Watson:                  We believe in forgiveness that there's a way, and it doesn't mean that you forget or that you look the other way. It's a way that you truly work through.

Adam Mathews:               Absolutely.

Laurie Watson:                  Thanks for listening.

Adam Mathews:               You can now call in your questions to the Foreplay question voicemail. Dial 833-MY4-PLAY. That's 833, the number four, play, and we'll use the questions for our mailbag episodes.

Laurie Watson:                  Hey, help us stay on top here at Foreplay. We'd love it if you would subscribe and share it with your friends, and please take one sec and rate and review us. Thanks so much.

Adam Mathews:               All content is for entertainment purposes only, and should not be considered as a substitute for therapy by a licensed clinician or as medical advice from a doctor.

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The focus of a honeymoon ought to be sex. Whether you are newly married or have been partnered for awhile, getting away for a few days strictly devoted to sex is a great boost to any couple. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they share some tips for a great sex time away.

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We have special guest Erica Delong! She joins Laurie and talks about being a female sexual pursuer. Find out what it's like!

Join us for the Love and Sex retreat! November in Asheville, NC!

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To have sex or refrain from sex during a woman's period? Research shows that there are 4 different reactions women have about sex on their periods. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk through the issues about sex on periods.

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Talking regularly about the state of your sexual union is essential to achieving and maintaining a satisfying sexual relationship. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss how to accomplish a regular state of the union.

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Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they answer your questions! In this episode: Diagnosing problems with oral sex; and female sexual pursuers and male sexual pursuers.

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Why and how does the frequency of sex decrease in a marriage to the point where it rarely happens? Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they dissect the genesis of a sexless marriage.

Join us for Love and Sex 360 this coming November (15-17)!

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Fourth of July fireworks in the sky are great, but what about fireworks in bed? Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and Couples Therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss the two important factors for great sex on the Fourth and any time: fantasy and seduction.

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What is it like growing up with a mother who is a sex therapist? Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and her son, sex therapist Reed Watson as they talk about the unique experiences of growing up with a mother who is a sex therapist.

Our first sexual experience ought to be good. Even if your first sexual experience is in the rear-view mirror, understanding what would make it good through these 10 steps can help your sex life today. Also a great resource to share with someone heading toward their first sexual experience. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson as she shares how to make that first sexual experience good.

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Good communication leads to more intimacy which leads to more and better sex. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about communicating better so that you can do it better.

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Being connected with your partner is essential to communication and intimacy, but requires being able to take your partner's perspective. When we get stuck on 'our side of the bed' and have difficulty grasping what it is like from our partner's point of view, empathy becomes impossible. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss how to check out 'the other side of the bed'.

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Learning to argue is essential for intimacy and therefore great sex in a relationship, but is often avoided by couples at all costs. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about how to have healthy arguments.

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We live our lives on overload: work commitments, family commitments, making dinner, chores, the necessities of everyday life can crowd out sex by making us too tired. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples' therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about ways to deal with the burden and make room for sex.

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The May 2019 Mailbag episode is here! Sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews take your questions and give you great advice. In today's episode, Laurie and Adam answer questions on what to do after an emotional affair, how to break the ice and have sex for two anxious people, and what does it mean to be 'safe', and others!

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Unhealthy power dynamics in relationships can hamper connection. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they explore the pursuer-distancer dance through the lens of power.

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For National Infertility Awareness Week, Foreplay's sex therapist and author Laurie Watson discusses the impact of infertility, both permanent and episodic, on a couple's sexual relationship.

Sometimes in committed relationship sex becomes unbalanced and the mutuality of the experience goes out the window. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about how to achieve a mutually satisfying relationship.

Beware of these 8 sex mistakes! Every couple can fall into these bedroom traps. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples' therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they identify the big mistakes that destroy great sex!

Men are often viewed as mostly manly when they are least emotional. This dichotomy is confusing to men and leads them to most often shut down their emotions. Their partners are often starved for the emotional side of their men. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they explore the secret emotional life of men.

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In a committed relationship, challenges of all sorts impact both parties. Resilience is the power and capacity to use these struggles to draw closer together and makes our relationship stronger. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they explain sexual resilience.

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Women sexual pursuers are more common than our culture assumes. A woman who wants sex is sometimes viewed as a slut or whore, and is subject to negative feedback. What women sexual pursuers have in common is a solid erotic core. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss developing an erotic core.

Join Laurie and Adam at Love and Sex 360, the upcoming retreat in Asheville, NC. Find more details at our website.

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What goes on during menopause? What exactly is changing? What can be done to mitigate the changes from menopause? Join sex therapist and best-selling author Laurie Watson and couples’ therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they take a deep dive into the issues around menopause.

Help us get to know you better! Fill in a short questionnaire.

Join us for Love and Sex 360, April 4th-7th, 2019!

Listener questions answered! The problems with quick orgasms; pursuer shutdown frustrations, and listening to actions versus listening to words. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they respond to listener questions.

Different sex positions have different pluses and minuses in different situations. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss different positions for sex and where they each shine!

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We bring our expectations along with us into any situation. Particularly with our partner, we have a host of expectations that we want our partner to fulfill. A couple can run into problems if their expectations are not discussed, negotiated, and clarified. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about expectations in our relationships.

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Join us for Love and Sex 360, April 4th-7th, 2019!

Are you sleeping with a narcissist? What is a narcissist in any case? The term is floated around casually and often unhelpfully. Join sex-therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about narcissism in a sexual relationship.

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Get geared up for a great, romantic Valentine's Day! Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss ways to make Valentine's Day romantic and overcome the Valentine's Day curse!

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The key to a great relationship, the hottest sex, the most money, the best connection, comes from secure attachment. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about how to become more securely attached.

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Following on last week's podcast on cunnilingus, this week we talk about fellatio for the fellows! Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews talk about fellatio!

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For the majority of women, oral sex is the best way to climax. Often however it gets caught up in the power struggle of the pursuer and distancer. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews get to the specifics of oral sex for her.

Gain orgasmic security with the Great American Vibrator! Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk all things buzzing.

The vibrator that Laurie recommends is available through Amazon here.

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Fantasy can play an important part in a committed relationship. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson in a seminar discuss fantasy and common obstacles to satisfying sex.

We are asking listeners to fill out a short, 8 question survey so that we can find out more about our listeners. The survey can be found here.

Set relationship goals that cannot fail! 97% of new years resolutions fail. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss making great relationship goals for 2019.

We are asking listeners to fill out a short, 8 question survey so that we can find out more about our listeners. The survey can be found here.

Fantasy can play an important part in a committed relationship. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson in a seminar discuss fantasy and common obstacles to satisfying sex.

We are asking listeners to fill out a short, 8 question survey so that we can find out more about our listeners. The survey can be found here.

Self-consciousness about sex and talking about sex can get in the way of our intimacy and enjoyment of sex. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about reducing self-consciousness, dealing with intrusive thoughts, and date night sex.

Help us get to know you better by taking a short, 8-question survey. Click here.

The holidays can be stressful for many reasons. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they go through the list of naughty and nice ideas for the holiday.

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Having kids can radically change sex for couples and can complicate our sex lives for a number of reasons. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they work through the issues around sex after kids.

Next to relational distress, a negative body image is the biggest disruptor for derailing sex and desire. While this has traditionally been a woman's struggle, increasingly it is also an isue for men. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about body image issues.

Criticism can be destructive to our relationships. In the fourth and final of Gottman's 'Four Horseman' series, Laurie and Adam address this destructive behavior and distinguish it for communicating complaints in your relationship.

Anxiety can interfere with sexual satisfaction. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss how to deal with sex and anxiety.

Dr. Adam and Laurie are back at it again answering your listener questions! In today's episode they cover topics on getting your needs met, trusting your partner, a listener's boyfriend struggling with the death of a beloved pet and more! 

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Continuing Gottman's Four Horseman series, Dr. Adam and Laurie dive deep into defensive behavior. Tune in to learn how to spot defensiveness within yourself and your partner. In this episode they offer advice on what to do with this common yet powerful emotion. 

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Sexual problems and the quest for getting pregnant plague more couples than you'd think. The stress of conceiving can often prolong the process. Laurie and Dr. Adam talk infertility, conception and remaining calm with a common goal of pregnancy in mind. 

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Dr. Adam and Laurie discuss the complicated relationship between sex and depression in both men and women. They discuss symptoms and how to stay connected when your relationship is impacted by this all too common mental health issue. 

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Laurie and Dr. Adam answer listener questions about sexual confidence, bringing a third person into a marriage, a porn addicted father and more!

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How to say yes to sex! Just because you or your partner is a sexual distancer may not mean you don't want to have sex. Some distancers have difficultly saying yes in the moment. Dr.Adam and Laurie explore how to get over the ''let's go for it'' hurdle. 

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What to do when your partner shuts down. In the second of Gottman's 'Four Horseman' series, Dr. Adam and Laurie address this destructive behavior and how to get through the seemingly unbreakable barriers of a silent a partner. 

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How to bring back the fun and romance into your relationship with these 10 easy tips. Listen in on Laurie’s controversial advice on becoming the "most romantic man in the universe"! Follow us on Patreon: www.patreon.com/foreplayrst

What is the number one most important trait in a good partner? Tune in to find out! In this episode Laurie and Dr. Adam explore the importance of sexual attraction vs emotional attraction. They also reveal red flags to look out for before you fully commit. 

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Porn use can bring out strong reactions on both sides: Some view it as a minor impact on a marriage while others feel it is equivalent to cheating. Dr. Adam and Laurie explore porn’s impact on the sexual partnership and the place of fantasy within a monogamous marriage.

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Contempt, one of the most dangerous emotions in a relationship. This episode covers the markers of contemptuous behavior and why it's so destructive to a marriage. Laurie and Dr. Adam offer advice on recognizing this powerful emotion and how to bring the humanity back into your relationship.

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Adam is back in part two of our two-part series on resolving the demand-withdraw sexual cycle. Why does sex feel so much riskier to the distancer than the pursuer? Laurie and Adam give tips on how distancers can better communicate their needs and how both partners can provide clarity and security in this all too common relationship dance.

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What in the world are they thinking? Today's episode is the first of a two-part series about resolving the demand-withdraw sex cycle between partners. Laurie addresses the expectations of the "sexual pursuer" and how to relieve the negative thought patterns that damage your marriage.

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We've got a special treat today! Seth and Melanie, from the Anatomy of Marriage podcast, share how they emerged from crisis in their marriage by developing tools for better communication, shedding shame and understanding their family of origins. Tune in, you don't want to miss this in-depth discussion.

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Guys need self-care too! Men tend to run on low batteries without knowing handy ways of taking care of their bodies and minds. Dr. Adam and Laurie deliver practical tips on how to be present with yourself and in your relationship as a man or a woman.

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How to share your true-self with your partner. Laurie and Dr. Adam dive deep into what vulnerability really means for men (and women too). 

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The easiest sexual problem to cure is often the most difficult to talk about. Dr. Adam and Laurie tackle the confusion and embarrassment associated with premature ejaculation. They offer help on addressing it with your partner and techniques for improving staying power. 

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Laurie and Dr. Adam answer listener questions! A fiancé suddenly experiences attraction troubles, mental health, switching distancer and pursuer roles, and a question from a young woman about the screaming pleasure she sees in the movies. Don't miss this episode!

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Believe it or not sex isn't everything! A well-rounded relationship includes other aspects like shared aspirations, friendship and intimacy. Can you have a great relationship without good sex? Can you have great sex without a good relationship? Tune in to find out. 

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How do friendships impact romantic relationships? Dr. Adam and Laurie discuss keeping your individuality while maintaining a strong bond with your spouse. How to talk about friendship boundaries, the positives of a strong community and how trouble in your friends' relationships can affect your own! 

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Today's episode is all about nakedness. Why we grow to be self-conscious, positive self-talk and how getting naked in front of your partner builds intimacy and attachment. Shed the shame, shed the clothes! 

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Recognizing symptoms of depression and hopelessness in your loved one. 

Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Today Dr. Adam and Laurie answer your burning listener questions. They cover everything from separate bedrooms to sexting to smoking pot and low libido! Tune in to get answers to the questions you've always wanted to ask. Have a question of your own? Email us at info@foreplayrst.com.

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The effects of alcohol on sexual performance and satisfaction are complicated. Dr. Adam and Laurie debate the pros and cons of this widely used social lubricant in your sex life. 

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Just because he orgasms doesn’t mean sex is over! To know when sex ends first we have to know what sex actually is. Join us as Laurie and Dr. Adam cover the sex cycle and how ending it right can improve your overall sense of satisfaction and desire.

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Don't miss these common dos and don'ts! Covering everything from phone etiquette to laughing at your loved one's short comings, Laurie and Dr. Adam give great tips on definitely what NOT to do between the sheets.

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Dr. Adam and Laurie delve into the dirty details of how splitting your household tasks can impact your sex life. 

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Even a five to ten year age difference can have a meaningful impact on communication, health and sexpectations.  Dr. Adam and Laurie tackle blending families and other issues that can arise when marrying someone older or younger than yourself. Love us? Support us on Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/foreplayrst

How to end the comparison game. Laurie and Dr. Adam discuss positive self-talk and tools for forgetting that critical voice, in and out of the bedroom.

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What goes on in the sex therapist's office? This week Laurie and Dr. Adam dispel popular myths around their practices and discuss who can benefit from talking to a trained professional.

Setting good boundaries with your partner shouldn't feel like a power struggle. Sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples counselor Dr. Adam Mathews discuss safeguarding your relationship and what to do if those boundaries get crossed.  

Struggling with sexual problems in your 20s? You're not alone! In today's mailbag episode Dr. Adam and Laurie discuss common reasons for trouble in the bedroom, even for couples who are just getting started.

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Sexual addiction or sexually compulsive behaviors involve using increasingly risky sexual actions to fill an inner emptiness. What is sexual addiction; what it is not. Healing the rift with EFT therapy.

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How you handle the non-sexual behaviors we share with our partner in bed – both positive and negative – can draw us together or drive us apart. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couple’s therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about stealing the covers and snoring.

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Affair discovery! To-do's and not to-do’s in the first few moments after discovering your partner is having an affair. While sexual betrayal strikes at the very heart of commitment, marriages and partnerships can often emerge stronger after an affair. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples' therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk through the steps to take if you find your partner has been having an affair.

Having high standards and being driven to meet them can produce good results in life. But in your sexual relationship, being a perfectionist can be a problem. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss how to deal with sexual perfectionism in yourself and your partner.

Handling a rejection when we want to be intimate can sting. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk through how to handle sexual rejection.

Erectile Dysfunction has many potential causes and ways of treatment. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk with urologist Dr. Ryan Terlecki about the various ways of treatment of ED.

Sexiest day of the year! Don't think you can write this day off as a greeting card holiday. Why sex is essential on Valentine's Day. Learn what Laurie and Adam are doing with their spouses to celebrate!

Men can have low libido and low sexual frequency for a number of reasons.Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Adam Mathews as they discuss the various causes of male sexual desire disorder and what to do about it.

The challenges that a divorced person faces when they begin to date again are real and painful. Even more complications come when you start a sexual relationship after divorce. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and couple’s therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about the whens, hows, and whys of dating and sex after divorce.

Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson as she gets down to the fine details of women's arousal patterns in this solo episode of Foreplay!

What to do if you are a sexual pursuer and you feel constantly rejected and even the sex you have feels perfunctory? Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about the changes to make if you fall into the Pursuer Pitfalls.

The path to a long-term successful relationship requires putting your relationship above your individual interests, which runs counter to where we always start and where our culture starts, which is 'me first.' Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss how to win the relationship game and how to avoid 'starfish sex.'

New Years is commonly time for resolutions. But often those resolutions aren't about our primary relationships. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they share their own goals for 2018 and how to formulate effective relational goals.

Each of us has unreal expectations and fantasies about our partner and our relationship. When we are realistic about our sex lives, we can let go of, and decide to grieve, the losses of our idealizations of our partner and our sex lives. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couple’s therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about what and how to grieve.

Black and white thinking is something that we can often fall into with our partner; doing so seems like it simplifies the world. But rigid black and white splitting is unrealistic and damaging. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss how black and white thinking impacts your relationship and your sex life.

While we don’t often think of it in terms of our sex life, we leave our children a sexual intimacy legacy. Becoming more intentional about how we embody our sexual relationship directly and indirectly impacts our children. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about leaving a vibrant relational and sexual intimacy to the next generation.

The strong, silent type is the culturally-valued view of classic manhood. Join nationally acclaimed author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about this classic archetype of manhood.

Note to our listeners: We have solved the sound problems that have plagued our recording sessions over the past 8 episodes. Since we record once a month for 3 to 5 episodes, it took us some testing and switching out equipment to figure out the problem. We have solved the issue(s) that were plaguing our system. This is the final poor-quality episode. Clear sailing from here out.

In this episode, we are offering a Foreplay RST coffee mug for the first 3 listeners who send us a rating/review on iTunes. Here’s what you need to do: go to iTunes on your computer (it doesn’t work on iPhones); search the store for Foreplay and click through to our page on the iTunes store. Click on ‘Rating and Reviews’ toward the top of the page. Then under ‘Customer Reviews’ click on the ‘Write a Review’ button and you will be able to rate us and write a review. Email us a screenshot of your review to info@foreplayrst.com. We’ll randomly draw three names from the emails we receive and we’ll send you out a Foreplay RST coffee mug!

Just as in feasts like Thanksgiving, where we take our ordinary day-to-day activities and raise them to a new level, our sexual lives benefit greatly from quarterly sexual feasts – times together where our sexual times together get to a new level. Join national author and popular sex therapist Laurie Watson and couples therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss the benefits and how-to’s of having a sexual feast.

Note to our listeners: We have figured out our technical recording problems and are back to the quality levels that we have set for ourselves.  However, we have one more (Episode #101 next week) that was recorded while we were still having problems.

Many things can make sex goes wrong; some have easy fixes. Join acclaimed author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and couple’s therapist as Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss the things that can wrong and what to do about it.

Reaching orgasm is only the beginning. Optimal sex involves deeper connection and leads to more satisfying sex and even better orgasms. Join sex therapist and acclaimed author Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about how to get the most meaningful sex and the best orgasms.

#metoo - Laurie and Adam discuss their professional and personal experience with abuse and harrassment. In a serious conversation, they raise futher awareness about the stats and real situations of harassment and assault women face and why it matters.

Husband’s positive behavior toward partner increases frequency of sex – but don’t wait too long to be positive guys. Even if you don’t feel like being positive, being positive is the route to more sex. What is positive behaviors? “Saying I love you” • “Making partner life” • “Engaging in physical intimacy outside of sex” • “Appreciative expressions” and more. Tune in to sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couple’s therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they share what works in increasing sex frequency.

The expectations in relationship and in our culture for what it means to be a man often comes down to a big erection that works every time. The prevalence of porn has communicated unrealistic ideas about sex and sexuality. Join sex therapist and popular author Laurie Watson and couple’s therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they explore the complexity of male sexuality.

A thriving, vibrant sexual relationship develops best in our relationship when we feel safe and secure and when we help our partner feel safe and secure. Join sex therapist and popular author Laurie Watson and couple’s therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about how to move to a more secure relationship.

Do you want long-term great sex? We have your growth plan and challenges mapped out. Join sex therapist and popular author and blogger Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they share how to have great sex for a lifetime. Laurie's blogs can be found on WebMD and Psychology Today where Laurie's blogs are frequently rated the most popular. Laurie's counseling center can be found at AwakenLoveandSex.com and Adam can be reached at mathewscounseling.net.

Sexual pursuers can sabotage themselves through their own thinking about sex in the midst of the experience. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson as she talks about how sexual pursuers can manage their desire for great sex.

Today's Mailbag Topics: Living in an intimate relationship includes sharing spaces and being exposed to our partner in ways that may not be appealing; and how to sync up the best times for sex. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they take questions from listeners. If you have a question for a mailbag episode, email us at info@foreplayrst.com. We are also set up now to take live callers. If you want to do a live mailbag episode, send us an email and we will arrange a time to have you call in!

Mid-life crises are often caricatured, but often in our 50’s there is a real change in sex – declining abilities and physical attraction. These changes can be disruptive to our relationship unless handled well. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples’ therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss how to successfully handle mid-life crises with tips that work even if you are young!

Couples in committed relationships fall into certain traps and mistakes. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples' therapist, Dr. Adam Mathews, as they cover the second five of 10 Mistakes Couples Make about Sex.

Couples in committed relationships fall into certain traps and mistakes. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couples' therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they cover the first five of 10 Mistakes Couples Make about Sex.

Relationships have three broad areas of relating: the mundane details that must be done in live, sexual intimacy, and being friends -- liking our partner, enjoying their company, sharing the details of our inner worlds. The best relationships manage to have all three work; imbalance among them leads to problems. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about balancing these three essential arenas of relationship.

Involuntary celibacy (going more than 6 months without intercourse) within a committed relationship occurs more frequently than you would imagine. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and couple's therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they explore the reasons behind involuntary celibacy and what couples can do to address (and avoid) it.

After the wedding day, it is often easy for each partner to take their partner for granted. Men need to continue to pursue their partners. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk to caller Joe from Raleigh about men pursuing their partners.

Weight, sex, and marriage – Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and couple’s therapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they wade into the sensitive and dicey topic of weight gain in marriage and how it can impact a couple’s sexual relationship.

Pleasure can often be hard to arrive at with our performance-oriented, accomplishment seeking culture. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about what keeps us from pleasure and how to encourage pleasure with your partner.

Fighting in relationship is unavoidable with two people with natural differences. Often because our wants and needs are involved, our fights in committed relationships can escalate emotionally. How to fight fairly and how to end a fight are equally important. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews discuss how to end a fight.

Stress impacts sexual desire for both men and women. For women, stress can lower desire; for men, it can either lower or increase desire. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss stress and sex. 

Both short-term and long-term medical challenges/disabilities can impact a committed relationship. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews discuss how to handle these difficult situations.

Some couples are faced at times with relating over a long-distance, whether due to business travel, being in the military, school, etc. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Laurie Watson talk through how to survive long-distant relationships both sexually and emotionally in a committed relationship.

From adolescence onward, culturally we are expected to be sexually confident, often with no space for a learning curve. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews talk about developing sexual self-confidence.

Trust is a foundational element in a relationship. In our sexual relationship, part of trust is worshiping our partner with our bodies. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they explore building trust and how it is broken in relationship.

Can jealousy be healthy? If so, how? Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss how jealousy can be healthy and be helpful to a committed relationship.

Getting comfortable talking about sex and what you want in bed is directly correlated to satisfaction in committed relationships. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they help you get comfortable talking about sex. From a talk given by Laurie and Adam at the North Carolina Marriage and Family Therapist annual conference.

In our busy lives, sometimes sex is bumped down the priority list by work, children, or other responsibilities. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss the necessity of scheduling time for sex.

When we are critical and hard on ourselves, intimacy is more difficult. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss how to forgive yourself.

What to do if your partner has been sexually traumatized in their past? From big traumas of date rape, sexual assault, or groped to serial sexism or shaming messages about sex. Each trauma has an individual impact. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss how to relate to a lover who has had trauma.

The ideal in a sexual relationship includes room for each partner to be ruthless in pursuing their own satisfaction. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they explore the benefits of a ruthless pursuit of sexual satisfaction.

Now it is the women's turn! In this episode, author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews take up what women really think about sex. Compared to men whose body's testosterone drives sexual desire, for most women, it is their mind and imagination that is the source of their sex drive.

What do men really think about sex? Move beyond the stereotypes and join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about what men really think about sex.

In a response to a reader email, author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews take a deep dive into issues that arize for couples after childbirth.

Author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews presented a seminar on sex therapy to attendees at the North Carolina Association of Marriage and Family Therapists on March 30, 2017. Here are exceprts from the Question & Answer period.

Often our religious and family environments in childhood carry forward into our adult sex lives. Even when we believe and want to be free in bed, often those early messages get in the way of our sexual fulfillment. In this mailbag episode, join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss the impact of these early messages and how to overcome them.

Everyone has questions about what is normal in life, but particularly in our sex lives. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about specific questions of what is normal in sex.

Sexual lulls happen in every committed relationship -- periods of little or no sex. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Adam Mathews as they discuss why sexual lulls happen and how to get out of them.

Emotional connection is not the same as being highly emotional. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews and learn the five ways to build emotional connection with your partner.

Our communication with our lovers (and others) can be broken down into discrete bids for attention and interactions. In thsi episode of Foreplay, sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews discuss the role these bids play in seducation and sex.

Part 2 of the Keynote Speech author and sex therapist Laurie Watson gave to the Forsyth (NC) Medical Society "How to Keep Your Love Alive. September 1, 2016.

Keynote Speech author and sex therapist Laurie Watson gave to the Forsyth (NC) Medical Society "How to Keep Your Love Alive. September 1, 2016.

Every couple struggles in ways that are common -- The Power Struggle. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they dive into the whys and hows of the Power Struggle.

Do women want anal sex? Do they orgasm with anal sex? Do men find it more exciting than vaginal sex? Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews take on this trendy subject with honest answers to your questions.

Couples who have consistent, frequent sex have certain characteristics in common. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychologist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss these specific characteristics.

While it is important to be honest in our committed relationships, tact goes a long way to making takling about the sensitive areas surrounding sex. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about the seven things not to say to your lover around sex. 

Balancing the demands of work with family and your partner can be difficult. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they share strategies for keeping your relationship hot with the demands of work and home.

Sex follows a specific pattern from initiation to resolution. Understanding these stages helps to 'know where you are'. Join sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Adam Mathews as they lead you through the stages of sex.

Through the three trimesters of pregnancy, a woman's body changes in different ways, but that doesn't mean that sex can't be good. Join author and certified sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about the changes in a woman's body at the different stages of pregnancy and how to keep sex alive and hot during pregnancy.

It's a new year and it is time for new year's resolutions -- including for sex! What sexolutions are you setting for 2017? Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews discuss the benefits and how-to's of sexolutions for 2017.

The painful impact of infidelity in a relationship can be overcome with hard work and direct communication. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk through the process of recovering from infidelity.

Straightforward 'how-to' guide to using the time at the holidays to 'sex up' your relationship. Listen as author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Adam Mathews as they talk about sexy gifts and how to further your relationship during the hurly-burly of the holidays.

Sex is often snagged in the relational problems of attachment -- the pull between closeness and autonomy. To improve sex, understanding this relational tension is essential. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they explore how pursuers and distancers come together in sex.

The foundation for a healthy sex life comes from our ability to be attached to others. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they explain this important foundation for your sex life.

Unspoken and explicit rules for sex: when, where, and how sex can happen with your partner can limit our sexual expression. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and pyschotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews discuss bringing these rules into a conversation with our partner.

Often seduction seems to fade after the initial courtship in a committed relationship. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss the four questions to discuss with your partner to bring seduction back to a relationship and keep it hot!

Conflict drives true intimacy! Too many couples want to eliminate conflict in their relationship; but to be intimate requires healthy conflict. Join sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews discuss how to build a backlog of good sex and emotional connectedness that will allow conflicts to help build rather than destroy your relationship.

Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews as they answer and discuss letters and questions that you the listeners have sent in.

• What if you aren’t currently in a relationship? How do you keep your sexual self alive?

• How can you have a satisfying sexual relationship when one of the people in the couple struggles with chronic pain?

What to do if one partner travels? How to manage the separation and make your time together a time for reconnection and building your relationship. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews share ideas for managing the stress of travel.

Make Up Sex. The best way to end an argument! Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews discuss the reasons behind the best sex after a conflict.

Halloween and sex! What the emphasis on sexuality in women's Halloween costumes reveals about how our current culture views a woman's sexuality. Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and her co-host Dr. Adam Mathews hold the mirror of Halloween to discuss the impact of culture on sexuality.

What can we do when we feel inadequate in bed or fear that we're not doing it right. How to manage the expectations we all have in bed. Join certified sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and her co-host pyschotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews in exploring this sensitive topic.

Breast cancer survivors suffer additional sexual side effects in addition to the gross impact to her physical breasts. From the point of diagnosis onward, breast cancer has a big impact on a women's sexual life. Join popular author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews discuss the huge impact of breast cancer on a woman's sexual relationship. Even if you aren't impacted directly by breast cancer, many of the points Laurie and Adam make can benefit anyone's sex life. 

Masturbation is often a charged topic with many individuals and couples. The messages we receive about masturbation can influence our current sexual relationships. Join popular author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychologist Dr. Adam Mathews as they discuss maturbation through adolescence and into adulthood, as well as it's impact on coupled sex.

Time to turn the tables. This week we take on the men, with 5 common mistakes that men make in bed. Join popular author and certified sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychologist Dr. Adam Mathews as they share these pitfalls to avoid.

In this solo episode, author and sex therapist Laurie Watson talks about five of the common mistakes women make in bed, including focusing on body flaws and initiating too subtly.

Men and women approach sex often with different views of what is 'ideal'. Men are geared to the immediate, athletic style; women to more sensual and romantic. Balancing these differences can make our sexual relationship dynamic and hot!

Join popular author and sex therapist Laurie Watson and psycotherapist Dr. Adam Mathews talk about sex from the male viewpoint.

The popular conception is that a larger penis results in better sex. Join author and certified sex therapist Laurie Watson and her co-host psychologist Dr. Adam Mathews as they talk about the real world impact of penis size on sexual satisfaction.

Is the G-Spot real? Does every woman have one? Where is it? How to stimulate it? Join certified sex therapist Laurie Watson and psychologist Dr. Adam Mathews discuss the elusive G-Spot and how to discover it, and employ it in your sex life.

Contrary to our cultural assumptions, men can be inhibited sexually just as easily as women.  Join certified sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and Dr. Adam Mathews discuss the underlying reasons and cures for sexual inhibition in men.

Afraid you've lost attraction to your partner? Certified Sex Therapist Laurie Watson and psychologist Dr. Adam Matthews explain why attraction can lessen in long-term relationships. Learn practical and psychological ways to feel desire again for your partner or spouse.

This episode is the final episode with lessened sound quality. We'll be back next week with our awesome quality level of sound.

Find out the reasons behind Erectile Dysfunction and ways to cope with this syndrome to maintain a satisfying sexual relationship.

Find out some great ideas for sexy getaways from certified sex therapist Laurie Watson and Dr. Adam Matthews.

With laptops and smartphones, technology can seem like a third partner in a relationship. Listen to Laurie and Adam suggest ways to deal with this intrusive partner.

After a sexual trauma, whether recent or not, a satisfying sexual relationship can be difficult to recover for a women. Listen to Certified Sex Therapist Laurie Watson and psychotherapist Adam Matthews discuss this sensitive topic. Dealing with the shame and pain of a past violation needs to be talked through and healed.

Cunnilingus is an essential part of pleasing your woman. Listen in to a frank, helpful discussion of this essential part of love and sex.

With wedding season upon us, Laurie and Adam turn to discussing honeymoons and the relational changes that occur -- even for long-term couples.

Faith and sexuality are not mutually exclusive, but can support and enhance each other. Often however in many faith practices, even knowledge about sex is ignored or suppressed, which can lead to problems once sex is allowed and expected in marriage. Listen to Laurie Watson and Dr. Adam Mathews discuss this delicate subject.

Discrepancies in desire are a stress on a relationship, and are common at different times in a relationship. Listen to sex therapist and author Laurie Watson and Adam Matthews provide helpful insight and tips for dealing with desire discrepancies in this first Mailbag episode where we respond to your questions. If you have a question, visit us at www.foreplayrst.com.

Following up on last week's episode on talking to your younger children about sex, join Foreplay as we discuss talking to your teenagers about sex. Learn how to not only talk to them, but have them talk to you!

Talking to your kids about sex may be the most dreaded conversation for many parents. Some parents may never have a frank discussion with their children on the topic of sex.  Learn what to say and when to say it; give your children a great start to a future healthy sexual relationship.

A woman who is betrayed in a relationship can feel inadequate and insecure. Laurie and Adam use the lyrics of Lemonade by Beyoncé to explore the feelings that follow an affair.

Recovery from an Affair – The delicate process of recovering from an affair; what works best for restoring the relationship.

Pornography – The wide-ranging impact of pornography: what it is and how it impacts couples, including difficulties in arousal, attraction, and relationship.

Fantasies can play an essential role in keeping a sexual relationship vibrant. Men and women's fantasies differ and understanding the differences can heighten the couple's experience together.

Foreplay -- What's it all about? Why is foreplay essential for the sex life you want to have.  Join author and sex therapist Laurie Watson discuss the whole point of the podcast Foreplay.

Variety and creativity in sex can both make our sexual relationship sizzling, but it can also be a source of tension.  Join Laurie Watson, author of "Wanting Sex Again" and her co-host discuss variety!

What is an affair? It can be broader than sex-outside-the-relationship. Different people have different definitions, which leads to tension within the relationship. Who can we be for our partner? Join Laurie and Tony as they discuss the difficulties of affairs.

Talking is one of the most underrated parts of Foreplay... and it can begin in the morning and last all day long. Join Laurie Watson and her co-host Tony Delmedico for this important, and overlooked, way to improve your sex life.

Premature Ejacualtion -- the number 1 sexual dysfunction for men is easily cured. Author Michael Castleman joins Laurie and gives vital information about the steps to cure PE.

Visit Michael's amazon page and his blog.

Kissing often falls off in a long-term relationship. As the eyes are the window to the soul, kissing is the window to the heart.  Join the conversation with Laurie and Tony!

If you have topics that you'd like to hear about, email us at info@foreplayrst.com.

The frequency of sex in a relationship can change suddenly -- whether on the honeymoon, when partners decide to live together, or at other points when life crowds in and crowds out sex. Join Laurie and Tony as they discuss why this happens and what can be done about it.  Email the questions you want Laurie and Tony to address to info@foreplayrst.com. Visit us on the web at www.foreplayrst.com.

Erectile dysfunction in men 45 and older in a partnered relationship is a problem with solutions. Listen to Laurie and Tony distinguish physiological ED and partnered ED and offer approaches to solve this problem in this podcast spurred by a question from a listener. If you want Laurie and Tony to address a question you are concerned about, email info@foreplayrst.com.

Her low libido: sources & cures. What to do when she is happy without sex.

The erogenous zones and beyond. Talking about how to get your lover hot!

Having your desire synced with your partner's may sound ideal, but rare in practice. Find out how to get back in the game when you are not in the mood.

Raising young children can dampen sexual desire and frequency.  Find out how to keep it hot when you have tots.

Men describe the frustration of disappearing oral sex in a committed relationship. Find out how to restore this essential part of foreplay.

Is Valentine's Day a holiday just for her? Or does this big day have mutual obligations?

A woman's orgasm is essential to her sexual desire. Find out how to get her there.