New Wizards

By Aaron Horton & Josh Nalven

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Does Hogwarts accept adults? Join Josh as he reads Harry Potter for the first time with the guidance of his co-host and patronus Aaron. Discover or re-visit all seven books through the eyes of some grown nerds.

Episode Date
Movie Watch-Along Recap — Goblet of Fire

Like a burst of red sparks from somewhere in a hedge maze, our fourth movie watch-along has appeared! Hear us react to emo Ron, Mad Eye “Too Much Business” Moody, and geek the fuck OUT over the graveyard scene. Watch-along MP3 available at!

Feb 11, 2019
Movie Watch-Along Recap — Prisoner of Azkaban

After a holiday break, the wizards are back with movie three! How many times will we mention “Primer?” Is Josh capable of identifying Gary Oldman? Will the werewolf be scary, or will it have more of a Deviantart kind of vibe? Hear our recap here, and check for the watch-along MP3!

Jan 07, 2019
Movie Watch-Along Recap — Chamber of Secrets

We’re clipping along and getting snaked up! Listen to us go gaga for Gilderoy, consider Salazar Slytherin’s impeccable taste in home furnishings, and wonder aloud how it is that kids grow like that. Watch along with us via the MP3 at!

Nov 22, 2018
Movie Watch-Along Recap — Sorcerer's Stone

It’s the recap to our first watch-along! Tune-in to hear us gush about (and misidentify) British actors. This was a really good one! The watch-along MP3 can be had at the bottom of — let us know what you think!

Nov 08, 2018
We Open At The Close — Series Epilogue

Wow… what a wild ride :’) We want to thank everyone for listening and reading along with us! We reflect on what magic really *is* one last time, consider the series as a whole, and most importantly, accept that Hogwarts is somewhere in the Scottish countryside. Stay tuned for the movie recaps and watch-alongs coming soon!

Oct 10, 2018
Post-Story Mailbag — Bonus Episode

Our last mailbag episode! :’-) Thank you so, so much for all your questions and interactions throughout the series! We consider Ron — the REAL Ron — and finally discuss Gay Dumbledore, and the differences between fantasy and sci-fi. Thankfully, it doesn’t take an hour. And if you were hoping we’d touch on that voluptuous snake once more, well folks… you will not be disappointed.

Oct 02, 2018
We Can See Thestrals Now — Book 7, Ch. 35-36

In this stunning conclusion to the main story, basically all of our in-jokes and running bits become real. Were the Wachowskis a major influence for JK Rowling? Will Sonic the Hedgehog show up in the epilogue? Where did Neville learn swordplay? His Granny, probably.

Sep 25, 2018
Strongbottom, imo — Book 7, Ch. 32-34

Everyone’s favorite buxom snake returns, and spurns Snape’s thirsty advances — what a creep. We explore what brought him here, and consider the biggest question of the series thus far: is Snape good? We get looney with Aunt Tuney, and celebrate the books’ primary protagonist. Harry’s there too, but he dies.

Sep 18, 2018
OOO in Albania — Quick Update

The wizards are taking a longer-than-usual break! Next episode to come mid-September. In the meantime, send your questions, comments, and howlers to!

Aug 24, 2018
A Warrior’s Wheeze — Book 7, Ch. 31

House Slytherin drafts the traitor McLaggan from Gryffindor. Albania is the spookiest place on Earth, like WHAT is going on there?! Ron commits Parselfraud, lol. RIP to Crabbe… we think. Right? A real hero shows ‘em how to die.

Aug 21, 2018
House of Flying Daggers — Book 7, Ch. 28-30

This is now a Minerva Mcgonagall stan podcast. Harry’s getting better at Unspeakable Curses, and it’s good, actually. The guardian of the Hufflepuff dorm gets his own children’s show. Snape can fly, stop bullets, and see the green ones and zeroes that makeup our reality.

Aug 14, 2018
The Goblin Blockchain — Book 7, Ch. 25-27

The gang gets Griphooked. Aunt Muriel’s tiara makes an appearance on Antiques Roadshow. Ron goes too hard with his Transylvanian disguise and keeps saying “Bleh!” which ruins the plan. Hermoine gets lost and turns into a gross cave creature. Gold is a hot commodity.

Aug 07, 2018
101.3 KWIZ FM — Book 7, Ch. 22-24

We turn a philosophic eye toward banditry. Neville wins two tickets to see Death Grips in a radio contest. The Malfoys learn there’s no Command-Z for cronyism. Dobby, blood price... you get the idea. Ron grinds for some legendary-tier gear.

Aug 01, 2018
Crumpy & Friends — Book 7, Ch. 20-21

Neville is noided. Xenophilius Lovegood shows us his collection of exotic explosives. We learn about the legend of the Hallows, and consider all the many ways it could become a merchandising opportunity. Ron: friend.

Jul 17, 2018
Doe, a Deer — Book 7, Ch. 18-19

Harry discovers Dumbledore’s alt-right Youtube channel. Bambi provides the gang with poisonous weaponry in a well-timed but ill-conceived Disney tie-in. In the Ronniest chapter imaginable, Ron sheepishly returns from a dumb fight, kills something, and still manages to get owned.

Jul 10, 2018
Big Splinch — Book 7, Ch. 14-17

Ron gets splinched into three Rons. Kreacher becomes a SoulCycle instructor after Grimmauld Place gets gentrified. We break out the corkboard and yarn once again in search of the golden-haired thief. And our friend the titty snake gets a makeover.

Jul 05, 2018
Mid-Book Mailbag — Bonus Episode

It’s time for another reader mailbag! Big thanks to everyone who wrote in with questions, topics, and howlers. We have an EXCELLENT Ted Tonks conspiracy theory — really! More Dune-scussion! And most important of all: more Filch.

Jun 26, 2018
Thiccnesse — Book 7, Ch. 12-13

Does magic obey the laws of thermodynamics? Can you “accio” dark matter? Was Einstein a Hufflepuff? Umbridge uses Moody’s eye to cheat at canasta. Draco becomes an anti-Muggle propagandist and appears on InfoWars. The plan goes great.

Jun 19, 2018
RIP DJ Rashad — Book 7, Ch. 9-11

Ron’s wallet is the one that says “Bad Mother Fucker” on it. Where did Sirius even get Muggle swimsuit magazines from? Kreacher spills all in a very special episode of 60 Minutes. Madam Pomfrey invents the IUD.

Jun 13, 2018
I, Carly — Book 7, Ch. 6-8

Hermoine hones her broadsword in preparation for her upcoming quest. Scrimgeour delivers Dumbledore’s will, and reveals that he had a second, secret school that he was also running the entire time? Awkward. Ron lights his hair on fire. And Xenophilius Lovegood invites us on a tour of his candy factory.

Jun 05, 2018
Et tu, Mundungus? — Book 7, Ch. 4-5

A Starbucks barista writes “Expelliarmus” on Harry’s latte cup. All the good guys meet up at the least obvious meeting place in the wizarding world: The Burrow. Our boy Mundungus has his priorities straight. And is Voldemort strong enough to beat Goku? Find out next week...

May 30, 2018
The Dursley Hallows — Book 7, Ch. 1-3

Voldemort rents out a room in the Malfoy estate via Airbnb and uses all their olive oil? But he really knows how to cook a teacher. Then we tearfully conclude our very last Dursley Watch! Will Aunt Petunia ever reveal her shadowy past? Did Vernon remember to pack his most lethal drill for protection? Is it possible that the prophecy was actually referring to Big D?

May 23, 2018
We Love Her Because She’s Good — Book 6, Ch. 29-30

We take a moment to honor the REAL heroes: Luna & Neville. Snape tricks Hermoine — the smartest person in the universe — with a fake mustache. Then we reflect on how dope Book 6 is, and make some predictions for Book 7. Is Ron himself the Gryffindor Horcrux?!

May 09, 2018
A Boring One — Book 6, Ch. 27-28

Buckbeak returns in this otherwise uneventful section.

May 02, 2018
This Will Kill You, with Kate Dries — Book 6, Ch. 24-26

Our friend Kate Dries joins us again to close the snog loop! We walk in on a weeping Draco and, in an effort to console him, slash him into stew meat. Our Grandpa drinks a yucky juice and begs us to kill him. But most important of all: is Ginny a virgin when she starts dating Harry? …??? …?!?!

Apr 25, 2018
It’s Love, Actually — Book 6, Ch. 21-23

Draco gentrifies the Room of Requirement. Tonks gives a cry for help via a cryptic Spotify playlist. Harry is up all night to get lucky. Why does Voldemort want to live that long? Is he breeding tortoises? And we have a few not-terrible and definitely-good thoughts on what the remaining Horcruxes might be...

Apr 18, 2018
Romilda… — Book 6, Ch. 18-20

Ron eats a pack of Choco-Cauldrons and wakes up in a corn field. Josh thinks Snape might be the Half-Blood Prince, or a Fifth-Blood Duke at the least. Life at Hogwarts means bumping up against McMotherfuckers, and this one’s ruining our Quidditch. Voldemort has red eyes, like in those memes.

Apr 11, 2018
Snogfest, with Kate Dries — Book 6, Ch. 14-17

We’re joined by our good friend: writer & editor extraordinaire and former Guy Friends Podcast co-host Kate Dries! Finally deep in the snogodrome, we consider our favorite teens’ fuckability on a teen by teen basis. Luna Lovegood is Etsy famous. And Slughorn accidentally gives Dumbledore an old taped episode of Frasier instead of a memory.

Mar 28, 2018
Bling That Stings — Book 6, Ch. 11-13

Lavender Brown wins Pantone's Color of the Year. Ron definitely deserves to be Keeper, because he’s so great at it. Katie Bell touches a necklace so expensive that even just grazing it ruins her credit score. Draco gets Harry so mad that steam whistles out of his ears. Dumbledore is a terrible babysitter.

Mar 21, 2018
Slug Hornt — Book 6, Ch. 8-10

Finally the Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Snape pulls up a chair and sits on it backwards to tell it like it really is. The Half-Blood Prince was a big fan of glitter gel pens. And we take a leisurely jaunt to meet the Gaunts, relying heavily on Google Translate for the Parselmouth parts.

Mar 14, 2018
Bat Bogey Flex — Book 6, Ch. 5-7

Molly Weasley is so shook… she’s wobblin’. We reunite with Phlegm, and are nice to her :) Professor Binns is established as Fuck Neutral. The US Treasury asks Fred & George for a loan. Draco Malfoy does a Front Foot Impossible into a Japan Air, and lands a 5-0 Grind on Harry’s dick.

Mar 07, 2018
Snape’s Vinyl Collection — Book 6, Ch. 1-4

Aaron Sorkin guest directs our introduction to the other minister. Snape puts a hex on Narcissa after she sets her glass down on his teak coffee table without a coaster. We meet Slughorn and immediately get an invite to connect with him on LinkedIn. Uncle Vernon and Dumbledore kiss.

Feb 28, 2018
Listener Mailbag — Bonus Episode

We take a brief pause from our journey through the books to respond to all your letters, which have completely clogged up our chimney at this point. We talk wizard psychology! We go deeper on Queerius! We consider the characters as dogs! It’s about damn time.

Feb 21, 2018
There Is No Wizard Spoon — Book 5, Ch. 36-38

Book Five is finally done after almost three months — that’s roughly the gestation period for leopards. We’re leopard dads from this book alone! We get to see what it’s like when two REAL wizards get to dueling, and it turns out it's set to “Spybreak!” by the Propellerheads. We go insanely deep on the prophecy, then break into the Finnegan household.

Feb 14, 2018
Fade to Black ;-) — Book 5, Ch. 33-35

Uber, but for thestrals.  Neville combines gunplay, martial arts, and rapid trigonometry in Equilibrium (2002, dir. Kurt Wimmer). A man gets a baby’s head, and becomes a popular YouTuber. Sirius dies, but comes back as a snowman in Jack Frost (1998, dir. Troy Miller).

Feb 09, 2018
Stop, Grawp, Shut ‘em Down Open Up Shop — Book 5, Ch. 30-32

Professor McGonagall stars in the reboot of “Kill Bill,” and it’s good this time. Ron somehow eats his Number 2 pencil in the middle of taking the OWLs. Harry has a fucked up dream in which Natalie Portman dies while giving birth to twins? Hagrid has an idea so smart that it almost gets two of his students murdered, twice.

Jan 31, 2018
Astroneighmy — Book 5, Ch. 27-29

Firenze fucks an astrolabe in class. Dumbledore disappears without responding to Professor Flitwick’s Venmo request. Harry visits Snape’s worst memory and sees his dad drink a gallon of milk as fast as he can as some kind of challenge? Fred and George leave some Fred and George-shaped holes in our hearts <3

Jan 24, 2018
2 Rude 2 Occlude — Book 5, Ch. 24-26

Snape is Morpheus, but reverse, in every way. While on a date in Hogsmeade, Harry claims to have forgotten his wallet, then goes on a rant about why tipping is for Muggles. Hermoine invents clickbait. An argument with Umbridge makes the faculty a little horse ;o)

Jan 17, 2018
St. Mungo’s Basilica — Book 5, Ch. 20-23

We open with a simple prayer to St. Mungo. Hagrid starts up a stoner-doom band named Olympe’s Wrath. Good kiss wet; Harry likey. The titty snake is back, and has its own appetite for bodily fluids >:)~ We jack into the PortraitNet, discover it’s basically LinkedIn, and now we can’t unsubscribe from the emails.

Jan 10, 2018
Weasley Is Our King — Book 5, Ch. 17-19

Umbridge jacks into the Floo Network mainframe and wipes all of Sirius’ ports. GAME OVER. We get our first look at the Room of Requirement and ask, “How can this technology best be used for going number twosies?” Ron gets owned so hard it breaks the fabric of space and time.

Jan 03, 2018
More Like RADfoot — Book 5, Ch. 14-16

Despite everyone’s warnings, Sirius starts a dog Instagram account featuring himself. Percy hopes to civilize Harry in an explainy letter, accidentally inventing Twitter threads in the process. McGonagall kills Umbridge with a naginata. At the Hog’s Head, Mummy Billy Joel has us feelin’ alright.

Dec 27, 2017
Quibblin’, with Madeleine Davies — Book 5, Ch. 9-13

Our friend, venerable Potter scholar, and senior Jezebel writer Madeleine Davies joins us again for another stacked ep! Is Ron the loose cannon cop with nothing left to lose that Hogwarts needs? Is Luna Lovegood’s dad actually Elvis in hiding?? Is Professor Umbridge an amalgam of all the scariest Twilight Zone episodes??? Tune in!

Dec 20, 2017
So I Kreach (Yeah) — Book 5, Ch. 5-8

We get an in-depth look at the Black family blood map, known in some cultures as a “family tree.” Harry waits in line for 5 hours at the wizard DMV. And critics are raving about Albus Dumbledore’s reimagining of Henry Drummond in “Inherit the Wind.”

Dec 13, 2017
Agent F1-GG — Book 5, Ch. 1-4

New book, new look. Harry starts smoking Pall Malls and listening to The Doors. Mr. Tibbins can snap a man’s neck with his tail. We examine Aunt Petunia with new eyes, and consider just how deep this rabbit hole goes... A house is racist.

Dec 06, 2017
Kin and Juice — Book 4, Ch. 35-38

We finally uncover the mystery, if you can call it that. Sirius can’t help himself and starts licking children’s open wounds in the hospital wing. And we consider Rita Skeeter’s steady diet of aphids. Would Professor Sprout have thanked her for her services?

Nov 29, 2017
Chill Sitch :) — Book 4, Ch. 32-34

Some cool stuff happens in a nice graveyard, and no one gets hurt. The New Wizards have PhDs in magic linguistics now, I guess. And we consider whether Voldemort would have turned out this evil if people were more accepting of his cosplay. He learned to sew for this!

Nov 22, 2017
Malfoy News Network — Book 4, Ch. 29-31

We binge on three episodes of Law & Order: Muggle Victims Unit, featuring a cameo by David Schwimmer. Fred and George are good boys who would never do a crime. And when Dumbledore invited the Sphinx to “speak at a conference,” do you think he mentioned the maze like at all?

Nov 15, 2017
#crouchgate — Book 4, Ch. 25-28

The second task is complete, but no one seems bothered that Dumbledore and the merfolk chieftain are clearly sleeping together. Josh goes deep on some Crouch theorems, and debunks some of the lies in the mainstream media. A child is mailed death threats with biohazardous contaminants in a school cafeteria.

Nov 08, 2017
James Goblofini — Book 4, Ch. 21-24

Is Ludo Bagman wearing a wire during his meeting with the Goblin Mafia? We take a terrible look at the mind-rending anxieties around school dances. Has Ron hit rock bottom? Will Hermoine kill and eat a house elf now that she’s cool?

Nov 01, 2017
Accio Bros — Book 4, Ch. 17-20

We consider how a Ron-less Harry deals with being the most love-hated child on Earth… again. Is Rita Skeeter’s handbag real, or a knockoff? And we discuss how we would have completed the first task. Is bonking still on the menu?

Oct 25, 2017
Single-Malt Pony — Book 4, Ch. 10-16

We're making a demand here, folks: Hagrid must fuck. We discuss Mad-Eye's methods, and that awesome class scene, including Neville’s freak-out. And can institutional slavery stand up to Hermoine's bake sale?

Oct 15, 2017
Ludo Swagman — Book 4, Ch. 1-9

The new wizards quaff deeply from the goblet with a big chunk of action-packed reading. We consider the first chapter’s creepy departure from the HP formula, see the Ministry in action, and then go really deep on language theory? Bear with us here.

Oct 05, 2017
Stag Party — Book 3, Ch. 20-22

In discussing timeturners, we come even closer to making the entire podcast about the 2004 indie thriller “Primer.” We take a close look at how Dumbledore acts when shit’s going down, consider why Snape is such an emo wreck, and wonder: what would Josh and Aaron’s Marauder names be?

Sep 28, 2017
Squid Daddy, with Madeleine Davies Pt 2 — Book 3, Ch. 14-19

Join us for part two of our chat with Maddie. We’ll get into the Marauders of old, Snape’s whole deal, and most importantly: is Ron… actually lame???

Sep 20, 2017
Squid Daddy, with Madeleine Davies Pt 1 — Book 3, Ch. 14-19

We’re joined by our friend, Dungeons & Dragons squadmate, and senior Jezebel editor Madeleine Davies in this two-part episode! We touch on her history with the books, the world of HP fan fiction as it first developed, and solid evidence of some bad Gryffindors.

Sep 20, 2017
Shookshanks — Book 3, Ch. 8-13

A knife-wielding lunatic is busting into our bedrooms, but all the teachers are sleeping face emoji. Secrets are kept, then not kept. Scabbers… dies??? The Marauder’s Map makes its first appearance, and the dot representing Josh can be seen losing its mind.

Sep 11, 2017
Sneakoscope Paranoia — Book 3, Ch. 1-7

The wizards have made it to the third (and most beloved?) book, and they’re already on a tear. Harry gets roasted. Percy gets roasted. Neville gets roasted. Some innocent Muggles got roasted. Is no one safe?

Sep 06, 2017
Seamless, but for Swords — Book 2, Ch. 16-18

The wizards spelunk into the titular chamber, and reflect on this fearsome and satisfying book as a whole. Under the crunchy shell of this extremely metal ending lies the sweet, chewy nougat of some interesting character development. Snake guts, too.

Aug 29, 2017
Snake Chat — Book 2, Ch. 9-15

SPOILER ALERT: Josh spoils himself (...?) about the book’s ending. The wizards parcel out some Parseltongue takes, explore just how badly Hagrid deserves to be fired, and most importantly, discuss the noble savagery of the Weasley car.

Aug 23, 2017
The Weasley Way, with Mel Kassel — Book 2, Ch. 1-8

The wizards are joined by noted ~dark fiction~ writer and close personal friend Mel Kassel (@melkassel) to discuss the first part of book two! We touch upon wizard inequality, wizard racism, magical hominids of all kinds, and everyone’s wizard bae Gilderoy Lockhart.

Aug 16, 2017
The Sorting Hat Special — Bonus Episode

Josh takes his Pottermore quizzes to learn his wand, Patronus, and House! And just what *is* a House, anyway? Aaron and Josh take a close look at Houses Gryffindor, Slytherin, and… those other two.

Aug 06, 2017
The Blood Price — Book 1, Ch. 8-17

We finally get to discuss the main subject of all seven books: the Weasleys, and their lust for violence. We also learn more about our new sorta-friend Hermoine, and quidditch, the Worst Game in History. Oh, and the book ends, too.

Aug 06, 2017
Uncle Vernon Rules — Book 1, Ch. 1-7

We start our adventure with some loveable folks: the Dursleys. Could they be the most beautiful, tragic characters in the Western canon? (Absolutely.) We also discuss the complex tension between the Muggle and wizarding worlds, the spooky Mr. Ollivander, and the memorable Sorting Hat scene.

Aug 04, 2017
Muggle Life and Literature — Before the Reading

Do you remember when Harry Potter first took the world by storm? Aaron and Josh discuss their memories of Pottermania, and their different tastes in literature as children. Josh then shares some of his previous knowledge of the Potterverse, some spoilers he inadvertently caught (SPOILER WARNING), and his burning questions before diving in for the very first time…

Aug 04, 2017