Today, I will explain in depth what the Ladder of Tolerance is, how it works and how we use it in my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Program™. We will explore how our nervous system functions, hoping to remove some of the guilt and shame that narcissistic abuse imprints on us. I will share some of my own traumatic experiences as a child that made me blend with my protective parts and turn into a perfectionist, self-harming, and people-pleasing person. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- The Ladder of Tolerance and how can we use it to understand our nervous system response to abuse

- What is post-traumatic growth, and how it can help us recover from narcissistic abuse

- What it means that we must be taught to be in the top part of the ladder, and what happens when we are not

- Why healing from narcissistic abuse does not happen only on the cognitive level, and what other things we must work on to heal completely

Our nervous system is constantly moving up and down the ladder. When we feel safe, we are at the top, and when we feel anxious, nervous, or threatened, we are at the bottom. In many cases, there is no real danger and still, we think our life is on the line. What triggers that response is usually self-worthiness wounds we drag from traumatic experiences from our childhood. We need to take a closer look at those wounds, get curious about them and find out their origin, so we can learn to heal them. 

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

In this episode, we will talk about what I call the Disney narcissistic parents - about their behaviour when they are with the kids, the effects of that on our children, and the responses it triggers in us. We will talk about dealing with this kind of narcissistic parents, which is one of the most challenging parts of co-parenting with a narcissist. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- What is a Disney narcissistic parent and how we can identify them

- Why it is so triggering for us to deal with this behaviour in co-parenting with a narcissist

- Why our kids misbehave when they are with us and never when they are with the narcissistic parent

- How The Tolerance Ladder can help us understand our kids' behaviour

Although it might be extremely challenging to co-parent with a narcissist, we must focus on teaching our kids values, showing them love, ensuring a secure connection and installing a healthy sense of self in them. The Disney narcissistic parent will flood them with expensive toys, new cell phones or video games, but none of that can compete with the kind of relationship we can offer to them based on trust, love and a deep connection. 

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

Today, we will talk about a topic that can be quite triggering. We will talk about intimacy while in a relationship with a narcissist, and we will look at lack of sexual desire from a trauma-informed perspective. To explore this topic, I’ll be fully vulnerable and share some of my own experiences with my ex-husband, and how I navigated these issues. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- How looking at intimacy with a narcissist from a trauma-informed perspective can help us better understand our reactions 

- Why we must understand there is nothing wrong with ourselves when our body rejects intimacy with our partner

- What I learned about myself and my relationship with sex in my previous marriage

Understanding that frigidity, coldness, or lack of sexual desire are nothing else than our protector parts activating body responses to a perceived danger changes everything. Rather than thinking it is a conscious choice or something wrong with us, we must know that these reactions to sex are parts of us doing their job, which is keeping us alive. 

Resources:

- Bella Article https://publishmystory.files.wordpress.com/2010/11/bella-caroline-strawson-nf-finished.jpg 

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

In this episode, we will talk about the damage that narcissistic abuse provokes to our brains. Although what happens to us in abusive relationships is considered brain damage, I'll add a caveat right away and clarify that this damage can be reversed. In fact, you can start living even better than before. We will begin by understanding what happens in our minds when we are abused, what parts of the brain are triggered by the abuse, and how we can recover from it.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- What kind of brain damage narcissistic abuse produces

- What happens when our mind goes from "online" to "offline" mode

- How the hippocampus and the amygdala affect how we feel and how we react to abuse

- What we can do to reverse the damage produced by narcissistic abuse

The traumatic experiences we go through in our childhood leave marks, or self-worthiness wounds as we call them. Those wounds are the reference our brain has to do its primary job of keeping us alive. Our brain will always pick what it considers the less painful option, even if that means staying in an abusive relationship. Understanding this is crucial to see that our system is trying to protect us, and for us to become curious why it considers abuse less dangerous than other options.  

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

Today, I want to talk about a subject that divides the trauma, counselling, and psychology world: the label of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I'll share my opinion on the challenges and dangers of labelling NPD. We’ll talk about and compare three different approaches - the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), the Internal Family System approach, and my own, Narcissistic Trauma Informed approach. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- Why I consider over 35 traits in order to recognise NPD and not only 9 like the DSM

- Why labelling and medicalising NPD almost feels like excusing the narcissistic behaviour

- Why we consider narcissistic traits as an umbrella protecting self-worthiness wounds

In many cases of narcissistic abuse, I've witnessed how the victims tend to see narcissistic abuse as a reflection of them. What happens is that when we have self-worthiness wounds from our childhood, we believe the narcissist "is right" abusing us because we see ourselves as unworthy or unlovable. That is why I love to share this knowledge, because we must know that the abuse is happening TO US, not because of us. 

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

In this episode, we discuss narcissists in relation to addictions. We will use the Internal Family Systems approach to understand how addictions can serve as protective parts. We will also learn how addictions can distract and soothe away narcissists from suffering from their self-worthiness wounds. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- Why addictions are considered protective parts in Internal Family Systems

- How the narcissist’s interpretation of other people's actions and reactions lead to addictive behaviours

- How a better understanding of narcissists' addictions can help us on our trauma recovery journey

Self-worthiness wounds are created during childhood, and the interpretation of the world and other people's behaviour forms what is called an exile in Internal Family Systems. Addiction to drugs, porn, sex, or work can act as protective parts the brain uses to protect people from feeling that pain again. Between being distracted by an external stimulus or feeling miserable, the brain chooses what it considers less painful. 

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

Today, we talk about gaslighting. I'm amazed by the number of people who aren't sure what gaslighting is and don't even know they are being victims of it. To help me explain what gaslighting is and why it is a form of abuse, I'll share some situations I've experienced during my previous marriage with my ex-husband. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- What gaslighting is, and what makes it a form of abuse

- Why, when we are being gaslighted, we doubt our sanity and our common sense

- How my ex-husband went from potential murder to hero

- Why we isolate ourselves when we are being gaslighted in our relationship

When someone is being abused, their friends and relatives will most likely advise them to leave that relationship. In most cases, the abused won't leave their abuser, not because they don't want to, but because they can't, because being in an abusive relationship feels safer for the victim's system than being alone. Gaslighting is a form of abuse, and we must approach its victims with compassion and empathy. 

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

In this episode, we will analyse narcissistic abuse from the polyvagal theory perspective. We’ll use this theory, remarkably well explained by Deb Dana, to understand how our nervous system responds to abuse, and use that knowledge to lift and remove the shame and guilt attached to those reactions. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- What is the polyvagal theory, and how the ladder analogy can help us to better understand our response to abuse

- What are the sympathetic, dorsal vagal, and ventral vagal responses of our system, and what they mean

- How triggers affect our "position" on the trust ladder

Understanding how and why we react to abuse is the first step to acknowledging that we are not weak and powerless, and that what is happening is not our fault. We need to get curious about what our system "sees," and what it is trying to protect us from. 

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™
https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

Today's episode is directed to parents who went through abusive narcissistic relationships and who have adult children. We will talk about how triggering it can be to watch our adult child taking our place in that abusive relationship, and the best way to deal with it. I share some advice on how to talk to our children in these situations, and how to deal with the challenging circumstance of seeing our child becoming a narcissist. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- The difference between co-parenting young children and adult children with a narcissist

- What is the best way to talk to our adult children about their narcissistic parent

- Why our children look more aggressive with us than with the narcissistic parent

- How to protect our relationship with our adult children

Questioning our children why they are still in touch with their narcissistic parent has the same effect as asking a victim of domestic abuse why they don't leave their partner. Their system makes them feel weaker, worthless, and even more powerless, and we must wait for our children to see things for themselves, as well as accept that perhaps they never will. 

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

In this episode, we will have a conversation about anger. We will analyse the difference between regulated and dysregulated anger, its long-term effects, and what happens within us when we feel angry. We will also look at anger through the Internal Family System lens to understand why it scratches the scab of our worthiness wounds.  

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- How dysregulated anger is a sympathetic trauma response

- Why our protective parts choose anger to deal with some issues

- Can being stuck in anger for a long time be a natural part of a healing process?

- The questions we must pose to our angry, protective parts 

If we approach our angry, protective parts with curiosity, looking beyond the anger and trying to understand what those parts are trying to distract us from, we will look at what triggered us in a different way. We will realise that our system is trying to soothe the pain from our wounded, younger part. 

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™
https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

Today's episode is about empowerment. We will learn that the power to heal from narcissistic abuse is within ourselves. We will analyse and understand why we hand over our strength and energy to the narcissist by seeking external validation, and looking for an answer outside of us.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- The three main characteristics that make my approach to narcissistic trauma recovery different

- Why we give our power away by looking for external validation

- What we need to know to understand that the power to heal from narcissistic abuse is within ourselves

Although we might feel that trauma is the narcissist, it is not. Trauma is what we hold in our bodies, and what we say to ourselves about what happened. Getting curious about that will help us understand why we feel a certain way around narcissists, which could be the first step into our trauma recovery journey. 

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

Today's episode is about positive psychology and how I use it in the work I do. First, we will define what positive psychology is and talk about its origin and purpose. Then we will go through the PERMAH model, and finally, we will discuss post-traumatic growth and why we must remain curious about it. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- What positive psychology is, and where it comes from

- What is the PERMAH model, and how it can help us increase happiness and decrease anxiety

- Why it seems impossible to think about growth at some stages of narcissistic abuse

- What it means to do the somatic work, and how it can help us

Focusing on the six pillars of the PERMAH model when we are coming out to heal our narcissistic trauma is the best way of levelling up our well-being. If we focus too often on the things we don't want from our past, we might get stuck in the past, and then growing will become more challenging. 

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

In this episode, we will talk about the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). We will analyse the nine traits determined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) to diagnose the narcissistic disorder.

We will also talk about covert narcissists, the difficulties with getting a diagnosis and how it impacts the victims of abuse, and the issues with medicalising NPD. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- What are the nine traits established by the DSM to diagnose a narcissistic personality disorder?

- Why we say that there are much more than nine traits that we should look at

- Why it is hard to get the NPD diagnosis, and how that affects the victim of narcissistic abuse

- What a covert narcissist is, and why we consider them the most dangerous type of narcissists

As narcissists would rarely recognise they have a problem, getting a diagnosis becomes almost impossible. This adds pressure to their victims who are looking for help, and that is why we need to be careful when we hear that someone is a narcissist, and be ready to listen to the victims. 

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

In today's episode, we will talk about something I get asked a lot - are narcissists born that way? We will discuss the impact of intergenerational trauma on a narcissist's development, the role of their protective parts, and the root causes of their behaviour.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- Why we say that narcissists are formed and not born

- The connection between a narcissist's intergenerational trauma and how their protective parts show up

- How worthiness wounds are formed 

- Why as a society, we must start looking more at the root causes than symptoms of narcissistic behaviour

When we talk about compassion, and understanding narcissistic behaviour, we are not talking about justifying their abuse. We talk about using empathy to understand the origin of their conduct, to know what triggers it, and to understand what it triggers in us, so we can build boundaries around it. 

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

In this episode, we will discuss a controversial topic - can narcissists be cured? To answer this, we will consider two antagonising positions, those who say it is possible, those who say it can't be done, and we will also look at the middle ground. Most importantly, we will focus on the things we can change in our relationship with the narcissist. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- The issue with labeling narcissists, ignoring the root causes of their disorder, and medicalising them

- The benefits of looking at the situation with compassion and curiosity to ourselves

- What is a narcissist’s main goal, and what triggers their behaviour

- How to change our focus from curing the narcissist to looking at our reactions

Although it might sound shocking to hear, a narcissist's primary goal is not to be abusive. Their main purpose is to protect their self-worthiness wounds, so they project their protector parts on their abuse victims. As they won't see or accept this, and they justify their actions, we can’t help them, but we can focus on how we respond to their behaviour, and how we let it affect us. 

Resources:

- Join my Narcissistic Trauma Recovery Programme™ https://go.carolinestrawson.com/heal-the-trauma-of-narcissistic-abuse

- Interview with Professor Sam Vaknin, Author of Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited  

Part 1: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/037-interview-professor-sam-vaknin-author-malignant/id1527479270?i=1000514048886 

Part 2: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/038-part-2-interview-professor-sam-vaknin-author-malignant/id1527479270?i=1000514982380 

Part 3: https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/039-part-3-interview-professor-sam-vaknin-author-malignant/id1527479270?i=1000515945205

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

Today, we will talk about the magnetic relationship between narcissists and codependents. We will dive deep into their origins, why they attract each other, and why they seem like a match made in heaven - or more accurately, made in hell. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- Why certain people only attract narcissists to their love life

- The role of the worthiness wounds in codependents' and in narcissists' behaviours

- How codependents can heal their emotional core wounds, and prevent themselves from attracting narcissists

Once a codependent identifies the core wound that triggers their protector parts to make them constantly give so they feel worthy or lovable, the chances are huge that they prevent those protector parts from acting on their behalf. With narcissists, on the other hand, this is almost impossible, since they'll never look at their worthiness wounds. 

Resources:

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

In this episode, we will talk about what happens when the narcissist knows you figured everything out, and what we can expect when they show their true colors. I will share a bit of my story with my ex-husband, and what happened when I confirmed my suspicions about him, and I let him know that I knew everything I needed to know. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- How narcissists diminish the pain of feeling worthless

- The three ways of ending a relationship with a narcissist

- Why I stayed for years in my abusive marriage

- What happened when I told my ex-husband I had everything figured out about him

Although narcissists appear to be confident and secure, they are precisely the opposite.  When we let them know we are aware of their game, we become a shining spotlight on their worthiness wounds. They have two options, to look themselves in the mirror acknowledging the damage they've done, or smear and try to diminish us. Unfortunately, they tend to choose the latter option. 

Resources Mentioned:

- Book: Caroline Strawson - Divorce Became My Superpower: A Story Of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery, Gaining Perspective, Power & Positivity: https://www.amazon.com/Divorce-Became-Superpower-Narcissistic-Perspective-ebook/dp/B07H6GF4FV/ 

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

Today, we celebrate our 50th episode together, and we will talk about why I've decided to rebrand. I’ll share with you my true purpose, why I've decided to start focusing on post-traumatic growth, and how we can reclaim our power. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

-What can we do to take back the power we gave to the narcissist

-Why focusing on post-traumatic growth rather than abuse changes the whole spectrum of our recovery

- What are the worthiness wounds, and what is their role in our response to abuse

Once we change how we feel about ourselves, we will change how we respond to narcissistic abuse. When we learn to identify the parts of us that the abuse is triggering, we can control our reactions. We can prevent our protective parts from starting the alarm of danger and falling into the I'm-not-good-enough spiral.

Resources: 

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

Today, we will talk about the grief after narcissistic abuse, and the feeling of loss we experience after losing our parent-child connection, our home, or the family we envisioned having. We will discuss every stage we go through after the divorce, and how each one leads to the other. I'll share what I experienced after my divorce, and what I did to change how I responded to my ex-husband after the separation.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- Why we grieve after separating from a narcissist

- The stages we go through after a separation

- How we can find peace after accepting what we have been through

- What to do when we feel a sense of loss deep in our bones

When we think about healing from narcissistic abuse, it's not only about changing our thoughts. It is also about changing our body, about finding a sense of integration, and understanding that what happened, happened to us and not because of us, and that now we are safe. 

Resources: 

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

In this episode, we will talk about the difference between narcissistic abuse and narcissistic trauma. We will analyse and understand the origin of the trauma produced by narcissistic abuse, why narcissistic behaviour triggers memories of past events in our lives, and how we can reclaim our power. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- Why we choose to stay in abusive relationships 

- The differences between narcissistic abuse and narcissistic trauma

- The role of our interpretation of past events during our childhood in how we feel today 

- How separating abuse from trauma can help us take our power back

When we are abused by a narcissist, our response to abuse is related to our childhood wounds, and it is crucial that we work on healing them. Once we recover our younger self, even though we can't change a narcissist, we can change our interpretation of their behaviour. 

Resources:

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

In today's episode, we will discuss what happens when we end a relationship with a narcissist. We will analyse why the abuse continues after the end of the relationship, and why narcissists smear our reputation when we are the ones who decide to separate or divorce. I'll share some of my own experiences, and how I learned to stop judging myself and others in narcissistic abusive relationships. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- Why narcissists feel their wounded parts triggered when we decide to end the relationship

- What makes a narcissist want to end a relationship 

- Why our narcissistic ex-spouse looks like a different person after we separate from them

- Why narcissists tend to rewrite the story of what happened and then try to smear our reputation

Instead of judging ourselves for staying in an abusive relationship, we can take this awakening as an opportunity to know ourselves better. We need to be curious about why we feel the way we do, and identify the younger wounded parts we were trying to protect by accepting being in a relationship with a narcissist.

Resources:

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

This week we will answer a question that many people ask themselves after an abusive relationship - can a narcissist change their spots? We will dive deep into why those abused start doubting themselves, and understand why our narcissistic ex-partners seem happy and fulfilled in their new relationship. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- Why we start doubting ourselves after breaking up with the narcissist

- How a narcissist's protective parts trigger a codependent's protective parts

- The two things to consider when a narcissist enters a new relationship 

- What we can and what we cannot change about what happened to us in the past

Healing from narcissistic trauma doesn't happen instantly. It's about realising that the narcissist highlighted our core wounds and protective parts. The best thing we can do is stop looking at the narcissist and their new relationship, focus that lens on ourselves, take back our power, and do what we need to do to live our best life.

Resources:

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

- My website: https://www.carolinestrawson.com/

Today I'm joined by the extraordinary Danette May, America’s leading healthy lifestyle expert, #1 best-selling author of “The Rise,” and 7 health and fitness books and programs. She is a co-founder and CCO of Mindful Health, LLC (#48 on the Inc. 5000 List), dedicated founder of The Rise movement, world-renowned motivational speaker, wife, and mother.

Danette's rise began after losing her son during childbirth, getting divorced, and finding herself with $47 to her name. It was then that she decided to stop being a victim and rewrite her story. 

She began to focus on the three pillars of healing: healing foods, healing movement, and a healing mindset. These three pillars form the foundation of every product or program she's created since then. 

In this episode, Danette charts how she was able to pull herself back from rock bottom to have POST TRAUMATIC GROWTH in all areas of her life. 

Danette would also offer anyone who pre-orders her book access to a Free Live Virtual Relationship Coaching Event (worth $597). As a VIP coach, she leads healing retreats, and helps high level execs change their mindset, learn to manifest, and call in intimate relationships, attracting their Soul’s Contract Connection. Pre-orders of the new book "Embrace Abundance" can get a FREE TICKET to a live event by going here: http://embraceabundancebook.com

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- What it meant for Danette to fail to tune into her intuition

- The importance of taking responsibility for our life choices

- Why forgiveness is so liberating

- The three pillars of healing, and why it’s essential to focus on each of them

- The importance of the words that we say to ourselves

When we forgive those who hurt us, we unplug them from our energetic field. Either if they say or do something to us, or if we remember what they did to us in the past, we won't be affected. Only after we unplug ourselves from the people who hurt us, we can rise up and be who we want to be, without being pulled down by past memories. 

Resources:

- Visit Danette May's website: https://danettemay.com/ 

- Pre-order Danette’s new book “Embrace Abundance” http://embraceabundancebook.com 

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today I’m sharing with you a fantastic conversation with Ross Rosenberg.

Ross Rosenberg M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, is the owner of  Self-Love Recovery Institute. He is a psychotherapist, educator, expert witness and author. Ross is known globally for his expertise in codependency (Self-Love Deficit Disorder), Pathological Narcissism, Narcissistic Abuse and Trauma Treatment. He is a keynote speaker who has presented in 30 States/70 cities and abroad and has been regularly featured on national TV and radio. His “The Human Magnet Syndrome” books sold over 120K copies and are translated into 10 languages. His YouTube Channel has amassed 19 million video views and more than 200K subscribers.  

In this episode, Ross shared brilliant insights about responsibility, codependency, children moulded by narcissistic parents, and core shame. We talked about his definition of codependency, and how it was a game changer for so many people after finding an explanation that made sense for them. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- The victim's connection with responsibility and the band-aid therapy

- Ross' journey of dealing with narcissists in his life, and how he managed to overcome his challenges

- How many types of codependents there are according to Ross, and the difference between them

- What is the human magnet syndrome

- What is a relationship template, how it is created, and how it works

Ross’s definition of codependency is revolutionary, because it offers a simple explanation of the condition. After we have an answer, we can make a choice to address the problem and neutralize its cause. 

Connect with Ross Rosenberg:

- Self-Love Recovery Institute https://www.selfloverecovery.com/ 

- Find Ross on LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/rossarosenberg/ 

- Find Ross on Twitter https://twitter.com/rossrosenberg1/ 

- Find Ross on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/rossrosenberg_slri/

- Visit Ross’s YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/user/clinicalcareconsult

Resources:

- Book: Ross Rosenberg - The Human Magnet Syndrome: The Codependent Narcissist Trap: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse https://www.amazon.com/Human-Magnet-Syndrome-Codependent-Narcissist-ebook/dp/B07D99945P/ 

- Book: Alice Miller - The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self https://www.amazon.com/Drama-Gifted-Child-Search-Third-ebook/dp/B06XCG9MKN/ 

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today, we will talk about why we feel WE need to change after all the abuse received from the narcissist in our lives. To help us see this issue from a different lens, we use the Internal Family System perspective, and we will understand why we feel that way. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- What is the reason behind our protective parts making us feel angry or frustrated

- The consequence of blending with our protective parts

- The questions we need to ask ourselves when we start feeling angry and frustrated

When we feel we need to change our behaviour around the narcissist, or change how we react to their abuse, a sense of injustice invades us. The truth is we don't need to change; we only need to ask ourselves and understand why our protective parts are coming to rescue us. Ideally, we should see a narcissist as a spotlight warning us against being triggered and confusing our protective parts with our true self.  

Resources:

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

In this episode, we will dive deeper into a question that I get asked a lot - am I turning into a narcissist? We will talk about why we start to notice some narcissistic behaviours in ourselves after going through an abusive relationship with a narcissist. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- Why those victimised by a narcissist start exhibiting narcissistic behaviour

- What the mirror neurons are, and their role in our behaviour

- Why narcissists won't start mirroring codependency

- How looking from a trauma-informed lens can help us understand our own narcissistic traits 

No narcissist will ever question their narcissistic behaviour, they will blame others for their actions. The best thing we can do when we detect narcissistic behaviour in ourselves is to step back, and look at it from a place of curiosity, compassion, courage, and clarity. If we are genuinely asking ourselves - am I a narcissist? - we most certainly are not. 

Resources:

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

In today's episode, we will talk about narcissists and empathy. We will go through the three types of empathy and explain which area of the brain is responsible for each of them, so we can understand better why, according to the DSM, narcissists lack empathy. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- The three types of empathy - cognitive, emotional, and compassionate

- The three main areas of the brain that are associated with each type of empathy

- What kind of empathy narcissists are able to demonstrate

- Why and when narcissists are showing some kind of empathy

- What happens to us when we are offered no empathy

When we understand the origin and the difference between the three types of empathy, it becomes easier to understand why sometimes it may look like the narcissist in our lives is showing kindness or compassion. For them, it is all about getting narcissistic supply, and they'll put themselves in a situation where they can get more of it. 

Resources: 

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

In this episode, we will talk about the shame and judgment that those who stay in a narcissist relationship suffer from others and from themselves. We will dive deep into the reasons behind the decision to stay in an abusive relationship, and how to be more compassionate towards those who make such decisions. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- How our protective parts don't know what happiness is

- What happens when we hear the phrase ‘Just leave then’

- Safety concerns in case of leaving a narcissistic relationships

- How we can help people who decide to stay in abusive relationships

- The importance of bringing awareness into your internal protective mechanisms

Someone that comes from a place of not feeling worthy is more likely to end up as a codependent in an abusive relationship. In most cases, the fear of leaving that relationship will be greater than their suffering, so they'll choose to stay. Without help, those people can enter the endless cycle of not feeling good enough to leave and, simultaneously, not worthy enough to generate love in their partners. 

Resources: 

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

The third and final interview segment with Sam Vaknin is perhaps the most triggering, as we discuss the concepts of victim, victimhood, and being victimized by a narcissist. We also analyze Sam's view on victimization and victimhood as new social trends and part of the tribalism we live in nowadays. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- What happened to us is not what we are

- Why people idolize, perpetuate, and glamorise being a victim

- The danger of the self-styled empaths

- How to love yourself, trust your gut, and not abuse your abuser

When we grow up hearing things like we are not good enough or our parents find us helpful only as victims, then our self-esteem is low and we understand there is no other way than victimhood to get favourable outcomes from our environment. However, in order to heal, we must allow ourselves to be loved for who we are, and not for what happened to us. 

Resources: 

- Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin

- Connect with Professor Sam Vaknin on LinkedIn, Instagram, and YouTube

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

This is part two of the fantastic interview with Professor Sam Vaknin. In this episode we talk about narcissistic abuse from a social perspective, and how we, as society members, deal with abusers and victims. We dive deep into the danger of labelling people, and discuss the idea of fluidity between the roles of victims and abusers. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- The counterproductive tendency of isolating trait behaviours, labelling and medicalising

- Regarding narcissism as a positive adaptation that has helped a child to survive

- Are we all a part of a colossal victim community?

- The differences in a relationship between narcissists and healthy people, and narcissists and codependents

- How the confirmation bias and the saviour mentality affects the victims of narcissist abuse

Accepting that many victims are never likely to abandon their abusers, Doctor Vaknin believes that people should be educated on self-defence, on how to create boundaries and react to abusive situations. Both the victim and abuser share the same source - they are children with wounded inner parts, utilising their survival tools. 

Resources:

-  Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence--From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror by Judith Lewis Herman

- Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin

- Connect with Professor Sam Vaknin on LinkedIn, Instagram, and YouTube

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

This episode is the first part of an enlightening interview with Sam Vaknin, Professor of Psychology & Finances at the Southern University of Rostov-on-Don, Russia, PhD in Philosophy and Physics, and author of the book "Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited." 

In this first of a three-episode series, we talked about why the narcissistic abuse experience is different from other abusive relationships, and why each narcissistic abuse story is unique. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- How it was connecting with narcissistic abuse victims before the internet era

- The uniqueness of the narcissistic abuse experience

- How narcissists live inside their mind

- Why making demands or having expectations threatens a narcissist’s equilibrium 

- The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) vs. the Psychodynamic Diagnostic Manual (PDM)

When Professor Vaknin started working with narcissistic abuse trauma back in 1995, there was no terminology, no words to describe it. One of his first jobs was to coin terms like narcissistic supply, somatic narcissist, cerebral narcissist, and narcissistic abuse itself. He has been studying the subject passionately for over 26 years, helping thousands of people to recover from their trauma. 

Resources:

- Malignant Self-Love: Narcissism Revisited by Sam Vaknin

- Connect with Professor Sam Vaknin on LinkedIn, Instagram, and YouTube

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse  

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today, I want to talk about what happens after we break up with a narcissist, what we should expect from them, and how to prevent being affected by what they can do or say to us and our closest friends. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Safety is your number one priority
• What to do when our reputation is being shredded by the narcissist
• The narcissist and their army of flying monkeys
• What drives narcissists to take action
• Why falling into a love bombing trap is easier than it looks
• Our goal is not trying to change or fix the narcissist

Breaking up a relationship with a narcissist might lead us to a lonely place if they turn our friends and relatives against us. We must create a robust ecosystem around us, and surround ourselves by the people who believe in us. We need to keep in mind that we are enough, and that we are worthy and lovable regardless of what the narcissist could have said to us or to anyone else about us. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

This week we are talking about relationships after narcissistic abuse. But to talk about future relationships, we need to look at our past and what we learned about love when we were children. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• The three parts of our brain and what their roles are
• Where the belief that the world is a dangerous place comes from
• How to use the knowledge about how our mind works in order to empower ourselves
• The prominent role of attachment in our perception of what love is
• The connections between how we felt as children, and how we feel around the narcissist as adults
• How YOU can break the cycle of narcissistic abuse

To ensure a healthy and lasting new relationship, we need to do some inner work, identify our blueprint of what love and connection are, and work on it. If we don't address it, we are at risk of repeating this inter-generational trauma, and possibly passing it onto the next generations. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

In today's episode, we will talk about future generations and narcissism. We will explore and analyze kids' trauma responses to being with a narcissist and the best ways to help them deal with it.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• The importance of breaking the trauma cycle and teaching self-love to our kids
• Parallel parenting as the best choice for co-parenting with a narcissist
• The fourth trauma response to narcissistic abuse
• Why our kids choose to misbehave with us
• The best response we can offer to our angry children

When our kids come back to us aggressive or angry, we must see them through the trauma-informed lens. We need to understand them, show them love and compassion, be supportive and make them feel that we see them and hear them. Our kids misbehave with us because we are their anchor. We must be aware of that and build our relationship with them from that place. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

This episode is about the controversy around the diagnosis of a narcissist and its medicalisation. Should narcissists be medicalised? And if they should, how does it affect those who've been involved with a narcissist?

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• The problem with medicalisation of a certain problem
• Why Complex PTSD doesn't go away with a sense of retribution
• The beauty of hindsight in the context of a relationship with a narcissist
• Why moving forward knowing the narcissist won't change is a powerful step
• How narcissism has a lot more traits than the 9 from the DSM

As a society, we are conditioned to look at the symptoms and there is not much space for considering the root cause. That's what is happening with narcissists as well. The root cause gets overlooked, and the abuse suffered by the narcissist's victims remains unacknowledged. But the solution might lie in looking at narcissists through the trauma lens. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

One of the narcissist types that is hardest to identify is the covert narcissist. Today we will go through a covert narcissist's behavioural traits, the ways they get their narcissistic supply, how that makes us feel, and how to deal with that behaviour.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• What happens when a narcissist agrees to go to therapy
• Why covert narcissists are so hard to identify
• How they act like they are the victim
• The spiral effect of nobody believing our story
• How to bring the power back to yourself
• Why you should stop worrying about what other people say

When we think about a narcissist, the first image that comes to mind is an arrogant, entitled and overly confident individual. But a covert narcissist is quite the opposite, they will portray themselves as a victim who suffers constant abuse. We need to be aware that they can turn people who know us against us, and be ready to deal with that. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

This week I want to talk about co-parenting with a narcissist in COVID times. We'll talk about what happens when the pandemic is used as an excuse for not giving the kids back, or sending them over. We will also go through the best way to communicate with a narcissist in conflict situations, and what parallel parenting is. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• The difficulties of co-parenting with a narcissist
• What it means to parallel parent
• The importance of self-care and why it is NOT selfish
  
• Why you need to register, document and not get dragged into an argument
• How to set up up a grounding station at home

We need to pay special attention to the pandemic restrictions used as control methods by the narcissist in our lives. If that is the case, our kids' happiness is essential to look at before we decide to act. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

This week I want to talk to you about judgement from the Internal Family Systems and parts therapy perspective. We’ll go over what judgement really is and what questions you can ask yourself to get to the root of judgement both towards yourself and towards other people, including the narcissist.

What You Will Learn In This Episode: 


• How to look at judgement as one of the parts in our system
• The protective role of judgement
• The wounded younger parts hiding under someone’s judgemental behaviour
• Three questions to ask yourself when you recognise judgement in yourself
• How to approach judgement with compassion and curiosity

It is definitely not pleasant to be on the receiving end of somebody else’s judgment, but I’m also inviting you to check in with yourself. How much are you judging other people? Because that's just a protector part showing up to protect you from your wounded younger parts.

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

This week we talk about the possibility of curing a narcissist, and what we can do to make our situation better. Is it possible at all to get beyond their protector parts, and heal that wounded inner child that is responsible for their narcissistic behaviour?  

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

- What the real chances are of curing a narcissist

- How a covert narcissist turns things around and gaslights us

- The lack of ownership and of sense of responsibility in narcissists

- The difficulty of helping someone who thinks they don’t need help

- How to be compassionate towards the narcissist and still keep them accountable for their behaviour

As narcissists are a product of a childhood trauma, it is okay to be compassionate and empathetic. We need to accept that it is impossible to help someone who doesn't acknowledge they need help. 

Resources:

- Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

- Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today we talk about a pivotal moment in our relationship with a narcissist - what happens when they know we know? What is their reaction when we let them know we know who and what they are? Is it a good idea to let them know that? Let's find out.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• The similarity between starting point of narcissists and codependents
• How to release the legacy burden that we’ve got from our parents 
• What happens when the protector parts cover the narcissist's true self
• The effects of highlighting a narcissist's inner wounds

When we confront a narcissist with the truth about who they are, we force them to face their younger wounded parts. That makes their system go into overdrive, and their protector parts become an army pointing all their guns at us. We must ignore that and focus on our recovery and healing OUR wounded parts. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

The question I get asked lots of times is - why does the narcissist do this to me? What have I ever done? I'm a nice person. I'm gonna get real with you in this episode and explain this in two parts. Let’s dive in.

What You Will Learn in This Episode:

• How we create false reasons for why the narcissist treats us the way they do
• The triangle in Internal Family Systems - True Self, Exile, Protector
• How Exile and Protector parts show up in both narcissist and yourself
• How you become a magnet for a narcissist
• How you can flip the question and ask yourself why you are allowing a narcissist to do that to you

Your power is not trying to change a narcissist, but recognise what it is about you that makes you feel the way that you do and attract people like that into your life. Because when you change that, you change everything.

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today we talk about the three stages of our healing process when we are divorcing a narcissist. We go through our priorities in stage one; sorting out the legalities while starting to heal in stage two; and recognizing that healing is a lifelong journey in stage three. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Safety is #1 priority when divorcing a narcissist
• The triangle of divorcing - legalities, finances, and children
• How to be gentle with ourselves when we start our healing process
• The pitfalls of thinking of healing as a destination
• Understanding post-traumatic growth and how it affects us

Divorcing a narcissist is tough, especially if you have children. However, if we focus on our safety, on our healing process, and avoid re-traumatizing our mind, we can go through it. What we need to do is not beat ourselves up, and create a healthy ecosystem around us to help us heal. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today I talk about cheating narcissists, the reasons behind cheating, and what it is that narcissists pursue by doing it. We also cover narcissists' strong protective parts, how codependents in a relationship trigger cheating behaviours, and the difference between healthy and narcissistic abusive relationships.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• The reasons behind your partner’s cheating
• The role of self-soothing in cheating behaviours
• What happens when two wounded younger parts meet in a relationship
• How cheating can satisfy the need for narcissistic supply
• Why we need to be mindful and empathetic with those who choose to stay in a cheating relationship

When we are cheated on, we tend to think it is our fault, that we are not good enough, not worthy. But when a narcissistic partner cheats on us, it’s not about us, but about their wounded younger parts, and their need to feel that sense of grandiosity. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today we’re talking about anxiety and depression, not as mere symptoms that need to be treated, but as parts of us showing up for a certain reason. Let’s ask ourselves - why are we anxious, why are we depressed, why are those parts showing up?

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Looking at anxiety and depression as trauma responses within our body
• Deb Dana's ladder analogy in the context of narcissistic relationships
• The role of anxiety as the sympathetic trauma response 
• The role of depression in our system state
• How to look at anxiety and depression as parts of ourselves and not identify with them
• The reason why people stay in abusive relationships
• How to understand the intentions of all our parts and welcome them to our system

Once we see anxiety and depression as parts of us reacting to trauma, we will realise that we are not a depressed or anxious individual, but we have parts that are showing up in order to distract us and soothe us from feeling the pain of our younger, wounded part.   

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today I want to talk about two words that may conjure up very different concepts to you, and they are narcissism and confidence. We go over what narcissism is, what true confidence is, and how to tell a difference.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• The difference between narcissistic traits and narcissistic personality disorder
• The difficulties with diagnosing someone as a narcissist
• Why we need to be careful when we use the word narcissist
• Why we perceive narcissists as being confident and what lies beneath that confidence
• Internal Family Systems and using Parts theory to understand narcissism
• How to recognise truly confident persons

Because we can’t change narcissists, let’s get back to trying to live as much as possible as your true authentic self, as someone who is curious, calm, connected, courageous, creative, confident, compassionate, and lives with clarity. How much of your life are you living like that?

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today we talk about the little signs and the red flags that we must be aware of when we start dating someone new. Even after a traumatic separation, at some point we need to start meeting new people, but we must have ears and eyes open to the signs of narcissistic behavior, so we know what to do if they keep happening.  

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• How we can step out into the dating world after a traumatic experience
• What is "love bombing" and how to detect it
• A key red flag - the narcissist’s lack of empathy
• Gaslighting as the real hallmark of narcissism
• The "I'm not apologizing" story and why narcissists believe they’re never wrong
• The importance of having a positive relationship with yourself

The dating world after a divorce or a breakup can be terrifying. But it's important to remember that being with someone is not always better than being single. So if we decide to take a new chance, we must have our narcissistic radar on point to avoid falling into that trap. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

In this episode I’m talking about the addiction to the narcissist in your life, how to deal with it, and the first steps to overcome it. Remember that every addiction serves to stop us from feeling the pain of our wounded younger part, and today we are going to unpack that mechanism. 

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Recognizing the difference between knowing you are good enough and feeling like you are not
• How our body gets addicted to not feeling good enough
• How our brain reacts to our biggest perceived pain
• The importance of no contact or extremely modified contact with the narcissist in your life
• Why our brain always reverts to what is familiar even when it’s painful 

In a relationship with a narcissistic person, we are continually trying to prove that we are good enough, and our body gets used to that sensation. Not feeling good enough then becomes familiar, and our brain perceives what's familiar as what's safe, thus ignores the pain we are feeling and perpetuates that cycle. 

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Do narcissists deliberately try to hurt you? What is their driving force?

Even when they say or do horrible things to us, the narcissist’s intention is purely about themselves. What they pursue is the narcissistic drug of choice, what we call the narcissistic supply. That is the only thing they are after.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Narcissistic abuse happens TO you. It doesn’t happen BECAUSE of you.
• Why your pain is just the byproduct of the narcissist’s behavior
• Where the narcissist’s need for mistreating you really comes from
• Narcissistic aggression and manipulation as the expression of their younger, wounded part
• How to recognise when the narcissist is pretending to behave in a certain way to achieve what they want
  

When narcissists hurt us, they want to heal their wounds at our expense. It has nothing to do with our integrity or our values. So remember that it is YOU who is holding the power to heal, and change the perception of your own childhood experiences.

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

Today I want to share with you the five key phrases that are great to disarm the narcissist. These phrases really helped me and my clients to understand that the power is within us to heal from narcissistic abuse.

Five Key Phrases to Disarm the Narcissist:

1. I'm so sorry you feel like that.
2. I can accept your faulty perception of me.
3. I have no right to control how you see me.
4. I accept that this is how you feel.
5. Your anger is not my responsibility.

Keep me posted if you're using any of these five phrases to disarm the narcissist. I would love to hear what their expressions were like, what they said back to you. Even if you don't feel these right now, remember that it's all about dis-confirming those experiences, but we have to start somewhere. So give these phrases a try.

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse

In this episode, I want to talk about the different parts of you, that may be stopping you from healing from narcissistic abuse.

In working with my clients, I use an evidence based parts therapy called Internal Family Systems, and I’m going to explain what it is and how it can help you heal.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Internal Family Systems and the concept of True Self
• Two main types of Protector parts - Manager and Firefighter
• How physical conditions can play their parts
• How we can change the roles of the parts to start healing from narcissistic abuse
• How you can create a map of your parts to become aware of them
• What is reconsolidation of memory

Working with parts as I explained them here can help you update that younger part of you, so the roles of the Protector parts won't need to be so reactive, proactive or destructive, and you can start healing from narcissistic abuse.

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

• Connect with me on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/carolinestrawson/

We rarely talk about the illness and disease that come from being in a narcissistic relationship. Today I want to talk about the physical effects of the trauma of narcissistic abuse, about why that might happen, and I want to potentially give you some hope.

What you will learn in this episode:

• How our bodies respond to stress.
• Why our bodies remain in constant trauma when being in a relationship with a narcissistic.
• The different areas of our brains and how they work in triggering situations.
• The burdens and beliefs we carry that makes us a magnet to narcissistic people.
• How talking therapy and brain body based therapy can help you.

A lot of the physical conditions that you have might be your body’s response to stress and trauma. I want you to get to know your body, your history, your timeline of events, and see if there's actually a root cause to whatever physical stress related illness you have.

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

Many times people are saying to me ‘Caroline, I just struggle getting out of bed in the morning, and I know I should be doing x, y, and z but I just haven't got any energy, and I feel weak and ashamed.’ In this episode, I want to help you try and lift some of that guilt and shame off yourself.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• How our body and our nervous system works
• The Polyvagal Theory and the ladder analogy
• The roles of the ventral vagus and dorsal vagus
• Freeze trauma response and the root of your overwhelming fatigue
• How limbic system therapies like Brainspotting or EMDR can help you

So if you're feeling tired all the time, really take a look. Is that a trauma response? Because if you're healing from narcissistic abuse, know that it's not you being lazy or weak. It's just your normal natural nervous system response, it’s your body trying to protect you.

Resources:

• Join my Facebook group at https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 
• The Polyvagal Theory by Stephen Porges https://www.amazon.com/Polyvagal-Theory-Neurophysiological-Communication-Self-regulation/dp/0393707008/ 
• The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy by Deb A. Dana https://www.amazon.com/Polyvagal-Theory-Therapy-Interpersonal-Neurobiology/dp/0393712370/

In this episode, I want to talk to you about the 4 trauma responses when we talk about narcissistic abuse. Many of you have heard about fight, flight and freeze, but there's also a fourth one that’s lesser known - fawn or appease. So let’s go through each of these four, and see if you can resonate with any of them.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• What happens in our brain when we perceive danger
• What is fight response and what is behind the anger you feel
• Flight response and how it connects with anxiety
• Freeze response, depression and survival mode
• Fawn or Appease response and why it is typical for narcissistic abuse

Can you recognize those trauma responses in your behavior? Which ones were you in the most? Were you like me? Let me know!

Resources:

• 001 Why Narcissistic Abuse is Trauma https://www.carolinestrawson.com/001-why-narcissistic-abuse-is-trauma/
• Join my Facebook Group https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse

I get so many messages every day from people all over the world asking - Am I A Narcissist? The first answer I always say back to them is no, you're not a narcissist because no narcissist would ever ask themselves such a question.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Why narcissists will never describe themselves as narcissists
• How your doubts reveal your being abused
• The psychological changes that happen in your brain due to narcissistic abuse
• Why you feel like you can’t get out of a narcissistic relationship
• In what cases narcissists will seemingly admit their abusive behaviour

If you are feeling upset right now wondering if You are the narcissist, please let me tell you you are definitely not. But it is good to have awareness that the reason you're thinking that is because you've been the victim of narcissistic abuse, and what you need to do now is get intentional about your healing.

Resources:

• 010 Why Talk Therapy Alone Can't Heal Narcissistic Abuse https://www.carolinestrawson.com/010-why-talk-therapy-alone-cant-heal-narcissistic-abuse/
• 003 What is Complex PTSD https://www.carolinestrawson.com/003-what-is-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/
• Join my Facebook group https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse

Today I want to talk to you about a term that you may have seen associated with narcissistic abuse.. This is Grey Rocking, and I’m going to explain how to be a Grey Rock around the narcissist.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• What Grey Rock means in the communication with a narcissist
• Why it is necessary to adopt this behavior
• How to avoid being activated by what the narcissist says
• Practical tools to modify your communication with the narcissist
• What reaction to Grey Rocking you can expect from them

I want you to give it a go now and be the Grey Rock to the narcissist. It gives you a sense of control, and being like that doesn't mean you're giving in. What it means is yourself taking your power back, so you can recognise that you deserve to heal, to survive, and you deserve 100% to thrive after the trauma of narcissistic abuse.

Resources:

• The Trauma Bond & Addiction to the Narcissist https://www.carolinestrawson.com/011-the-trauma-bond-addiction-to-the-narcissist/
• Join my Facebook group https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

I get messaged many times about the fact that people just can't break that addiction to the narcissist even if they know that it isn't the right thing for them to keep on messaging or emailing the narcissist in their life. We actually call this a trauma bond, and in this episode I explain exactly what it is.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• What is Stockholm Syndrome and how it relates to the trauma bond
• What behaviour of the narcissist forms the trauma bond
• What neuropeptides are and the brain chemistry side of the trauma bond
• How to start creating the safe space for you to start healing
• Why it is absolutely necessary to block or extremely modify communication with the narcissist in your life

Remember where you are right now with creating those neuropeptides, because that’s what we are addicted to. In order to break the addiction to the narcissist, we've got to calm that nervous system, so that we can create a space for you to start to heal the trauma of narcissistic abuse.

Resources:

• 010 Why Talk Therapy Alone Can't Heal Nracissistc Abuse https://www.carolinestrawson.com/010-why-talk-therapy-alone-cant-heal-narcissistic-abuse/
• 003 What is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder https://www.carolinestrawson.com/003-what-is-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/
• Join my Facebook group https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

While talking therapy does have a place in the recovery process, in this episode I'm going to explain to you exactly why talk therapy alone can't heal narcissistic abuse.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Complex PTSD and why it so difficult to heal
• The benefits and limits of talk therapy like CBT and DBT
• Why you need a therapist who has been through the trauma of narcissistic abuse
• Why talk therapy can access only 10% of your brain and what to do with the rest
• How talk therapy can sometimes actually make you feel worse
• How EMDR and Brainspotting therapies work

Wherever you are on your healing journey, please make sure that you are getting the right treatment for you. Look for a therapist who has been through what you have been through, and who is using brain-body based somatic psychotherapies, so they can help you shift in the part of the brain where the trauma is stuck, because if you don't do that, you could be in talk therapy for years.

Resources:

• Episode 003 What is Complex PTSD https://www.carolinestrawson.com/003-what-is-complex-post-traumatic-stress-disorder/ 
• Join my Facebook group https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

Gaslighting is a very insidious form of psychological abuse. It leaves the victims feeling insane, thinking they are the crazy ones. In this episode I’m going to tell you some stories about gaslighting, so you can recognise it when you see it or experience it.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Why narcissists will never question themselves
• The examples of gaslighting
• How continuous gaslighting changes your brain physiologically
• Why you need to learn to believe your gut
• Being angry with yourself as a sign of healing  

I'd love to hear if you've got any stories of gaslighting. Are they as wild as wacky as mine?

Resources:

• Divorce Became My Superpower by Caroline Strawson https://www.amazon.co.uk/Divorce-Became-Superpower-Caroline-Strawson/dp/1726255549/
• https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

Today I’m talking about the family dynamics of narcissistic abuse, and the different roles that occur within a family. In particular, I want to talk about the scapegoat within the family when you have a narcissistic parent.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• What is a scapegoat?
• Why narcissistic mothers are particularly harmful to a child
• The examples of scapegoating within a family
• How scapegoating affects a child’s beliefs about themselves
• Why narcissistic personality disorder cannot be cured
• How you can heal your children by healing your own codependency

I'm a big believer that when you heal yourself you heal the next generation. So just because your children have a parent that is a narcissist does not mean that they will be a codependent or a narcissist. You can break the cycle of scapegoating, you can heal, and the reason I know that is because that's exactly what I did.

Resources:

• https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse

It's not a coincidence that you end up in a relationship with a narcissist. There are always patterns to this type of behaviour. So where does it all start? That’s what we are looking at today.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• How unhealed inner child wounds manifest in our adult life
• Why it is wrong to leave babies to cry and fall asleep by themselves
• How our brain actually keeps us safe by keeping us stuck in the trauma response
• Where our inner feeling that the world is unsafe comes from
• How to heal and upgrade our inner operative system

What we have to look at here is deep inner child healing. When we heal and upgrade that inner child into your world today, we get a level of understanding, and when we heal that inner wound, we can change everything.

Resources:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

In today's episode I want to talk about codependency and the narcissist, because a codependent is literally a magnet to a narcissist. We will go over what codependency is, and the mechanism behind the codependent-narcissist mutual attraction.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• What is exactly codependency?
• The roots of the lack of self-love and self-worth in childhood
• The similarities and differences between a narcissist and a codependent
• How we end up in the vicious circle of a narcissist-codependent relationship
• Why it’s easier to heal codependency than narcissism
• How to start with healing your codependency

When you put expectations on other people to behave in a certain way for you to feel good enough, you're putting your happiness in someone else's hands. You need to take responsibility to go within and heal your wounds first. And when you heal your own codependency, you change everything because you stop looking externally to get your sense of self worth.

Resources:

• Healing Codependency: Self Hate To Self Love Course: https://t4s.site/copy-of-template---quick-flip-funnel-3/healingcodependency-1/
• https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse

The question is - can you ever survive narcissistic abuse? Right now you might be feeling like you are in a long dark tunnel, feeling angry, guilty, shameful and having no energy to get out of it. But I’m passionate about helping you and educating you on how to start overcoming this trauma.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• How to tackle the feeling of overwhelm by narcissistic abuse
• Introduction to our parasympathetic nervous system
• How our childhood wounds condition our nervous system
• The value of body-based therapy for processing childhood trauma
• Being in the present moment as the key for changing your trauma response

So the short answer to whether you can survive narcissistic abuse is yes, absolutely. And I don't just want you to survive, I want you to thrive and help you find meaning in what you have been through.

Resources:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse

So you found yourself married to a narcissist, and you are thinking about leaving. Or maybe you have already started the process of divorcing a narcissist, and you realise that it is only just beginning. In this episode we are covering steps and resources that can help you go through this difficult process.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Why divorcing a narcissist is not like other divorces
• How to take care of your personal safety first
• The three lanes when divorcing a narcissist
• Legal lane aspects: divorce, children and finances
• Why mediation doesn’t work with a narcissist
• Emotional lane: blocking or modifying communication
• Other people lane: creating new friendships based on trust, love and connection   

Know that the first year of divorcing a narcissist is going to be really tough, but you can do it. I trust you and I believe in you, but you've got to focus on your safety and on your mental health.

Resources:

• McKenzie Friend, http://www.mckenziefriend.co.uk/
• Our Family Wizard https://www.ourfamilywizard.com/
• https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse

I'm sure most of you have heard of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or PTSD. But there is something else called Complex PTSD. So in today’s episode we are talking about the Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• What Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is
• The difference between PTSD and Complex PTSD
• Being busy all the time as one of the traits of Complex PTSD
• Avoiding certain things and lack of memory as possible signs of the Complex PTSD
• How dissociation, flashbacks and intrusive thoughts manifest in Complex PTSD
• Long-term health risks of this disorder
• The neuroscience behind the Complex PTSD

If you can relate to some of the symptoms of the Complex PTSD, it doesn't mean you're going to have this forever. It just means that trauma is stuck, and what we have to do is unstick it, process it, get it time stamped into the past and move forward. I believe you, but it is your responsibility to do something about it. And I’m here to support you.

Resources:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse 

When we talk about narcissism, we talk about the two main categories of narcissists - overt and covert narcissists. You know that person who walks into the room, has a sense of grandiosity and commands the attention? That’s an overt narcissist. But today I want to focus on the other type, the covert narcissist, and why I believe it’s the most dangerous type of narcissists.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• Why covert narcissists are difficult to recognise
• How to spot passive aggressive behaviour
• Self-criticism or shyness as possible traits of a covert narcissist
• The false sense of self and the childhood wounds of narcissists
• Why narcissists never seek a therapist
• Envy, jealousy and false empathy
• How covert narcissists present themselves as victims
• Focusing on yourself as the first step in healing from narcissistic abuse  

So let me know - do you have a covert narcissist in your life? Can you relate to anything that I've covered in this episode?

Resources:

https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse

Narcissistic abuse isn't just some bad breakup or somebody being mean to you. This is actual trauma. In this episode I want to explain what trauma is, and to educate you on what exactly narcissistic abuse is.

What You Will Learn In This Episode:

• The definition of trauma
• Why narcissistic abuse is trauma
• The 4 trauma responses: fight, flight, freeze and fawn
• Why our perception is key in triggering a trauma response
• The origins of trauma responses
• What codependency is
• How to start healing the trauma

Although narcissistic abuse is trauma, it doesn't need to define you. I want to help you find meaning in it, so you can go on and not just heal your trauma, but you can actually thrive after narcissistic abuse.

Resources:

• https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse
  

Narcissistic abuse is abuse to the very core of who you are. It leaves you feeling broken, lost, shameful and guilty.

How many of you wake up each morning feeling like you just don't want to get out of bed and face the world, like you are stuck in the freeze trauma response, not knowing what to do?

How many of you are maybe still in a relationship with a narcissist, whether it’s your parent, your partner, a co-worker or a friend, and you're desperately trying to please them every day, but you feel like you are not good enough, like it's your fault and you need to try harder?

I know what it’s like because that was me.

I’m Caroline Strawson and I want this podcast to support and educate you to know that where you are right now does not need to be where you will be in the future.

The journey of self-healing my own trauma of narcissistic abuse has led me to create a multi-award winning business. I use a unique integration of therapies such as EMDR, Brainspotting, Rapid Transformational Therapy and Positive Psychology to help women like you recover from narcissistic abuse.

Every week I will be delivering snapshots of education, support and inspiration, so you can slowly start to see the light at the end of the tunnel and heal the trauma of narcissistic abuse.

Thank you for listening and see you in the next episode! 

Resources:

• https://www.facebook.com/groups/thriveafternarcissisticabuse