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Episode | Date |
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Episode #86: Sexual Fluidity, and How Anger Helped Access My Sexuality in Ways that My Arkansas Homeschool Didn't Want, with Maddie Upson, part 1
52:35
We have big news! We hired a new Marketing and Communications Coordinator, Maddie Upson, and we’re excited to introduce you to her in a two part episode. In this episode, Maddie describes her experience growing up in a homeschool connected with the Evangelical Church in Arkansas, including:
At the end of the episode, Maddie talks with us about cheese, the black market, Boston, and her love for Wonder Woman. We’re so thankful to have Maddie on our team! Let’s heal together! |
May 29, 2023 |
Episode #85: The Sex Ed We Wish We Had: Mutual Pleasure, with Nicole Marinescu
57:10
We wrap up our series on The Sex Ed We Wish We Had by talking about the final sexual health principle from the work of Doug Braun Harvey and Michael Vigorito: Mutual pleasure. And we’re excited to have our editor extraordinaire, Nicole Marinescu, share her experiences of navigating mutually pleasurable experiences in an age of Tinder, virtual communication, and the growing influence of EMPish (Evangelical, Mormon, and Pentecostal) communities. Nicole provides a simple definition for mutual pleasure: “Caring about the other person or persons that you are having a sexual experience with.” We also talk about the following:
A huge thanks to Nicole for joining us in this episode! Let’s heal together! |
May 22, 2023 |
Episode #84: The Sex Ed We Wish We Had: Shared Values, with Jimmy Bridges, part 2 of 2
37:34
Today’s episode discusses one of the most challenging dynamics that we see when doing sex therapy with couples where one/both grew up in a religious context: How do you navigate value conversion, the paradigm shifting that happens during therapy, when two people convert their values at different paces? Jimmy Bridges, PhD, therapist extraordinaire at This Space Between, joins us for part two of this extremely important conversation. Jimmy, Julia, and Jeremiah talk about their process of value conversion in their former marriages—spoiler alert: it wasn’t pretty for any of the three of us—as well as:
At the core of our work at Sexvangelicals is the process of value conversion. If you’re interested in working with us, please give this episode a listen! Let’s heal together! |
May 15, 2023 |
Episode #83: The Sex Ed We Wish We Had: Shared Values, with Jimmy Bridges, part 1 of 2
30:22
Last week, in our episode with Kara Haug, we talked about honesty as structures that provide accurate information to individuals and groups about sexuality and relationships. This week, we talk about how to navigate honesty within a relationship, where two people may have similar or differing perspectives, needs, and values. The language that we use to describe this sexual health principle is “shared values”. Doug Braun Harvey, founder of the Harvey Institute, writes: “Values are a source of identifying one’s sexual standards and ethics. Values differences, when honestly and vulnerably shared between partners, can lead to closeness or painful distance. Either way, it is a conversation that brings reality and clarity where couples may have previously chosen avoidance and deception.” We invite our colleague Dr. Jimmy Bridges to talk with us about how to discuss values in relationships. In part 1, we talk about the ways that conservative religions discourage discussion of values using our own experiences—ours within Evangelical circles and Jimmy’s within the Mormon church. We talk about:
Tune in next week for part two of our interview with Jimmy, where all three of us talk about our experiences navigating shifts in values in our marriages. Let’s heal together! |
May 08, 2023 |
Episode #82: The Sex Ed We Wish We Had: Honesty, with Kara Haug
53:32
We continue with our series on The Sex Education We Wish We Had by talking about the sexual health principle of honesty. Doug Braun-Harvey, of the Harvey Institute, explains: “Sexual health requires open and direct communication with oneself and every sexual partner. Honesty with oneself involves being open to sexual pleasure, sexual experience, and sexual education. Without honesty, sexual relationships will not be able to have effective communication or be able to uphold any of the sexual health principles.” How can we have honest dialogue about sexuality when we’ve been so dishonest with our kids and adolescents about sexual health? To help us answer this, we invite Kara Haug, co-founder of Reframing Our Stories, a business that provides sexual health education, resources and tools for families and communities to normalize conversations around sex and relationship in Sacramento. Kara talks with us about:
Learn more about Kara through her podcast Reframing Our Stories. Let’s heal together! |
May 01, 2023 |
Episode #81: The Sex Ed We Wish We Had: Discussing Sexually Transmitted Infections with Jenelle Pierce, Part 2 of 2
35:26
April is STI Awareness Month. STIs are commonly discussed in sex ed curricula, but typically as a fear-mongering technique to discourage premarital sexuality. We are excited to have Jenelle Pierce, Executive Director of The STI Project, break down the stigma and provide strategies for discussing STIs with partners. The episode begins with this prompt: “A person is beginning to date and is exploring multiple potential dating, sexual, and or romantic relationships. What are some ways to help set initial conversations around STI or pregnancy prevention?”
Learn more about Jenelle and The STI Project on Instagram. Let’s heal together! |
Apr 24, 2023 |
Episode #80: The Sex Ed We Wish We Had: Discussing Sexually Transmitted Infections, with Jenelle Pierce, Part 1 of 2
49:41
The third principle of sexual health, according to Doug Braun-Harvey and Michael Vigorito, and part of the sex education we wish we had is effective, non fear mongering conversations around sexually transmitted infections, HIV, and pregnancy. Jenelle Pierce, the Executive Director of the STI Project, joins us for the next two episodes to share how we can have greater education, awareness, and dialogue around sexually transmitted infections. In this episode, Jenelle shares her personal story with us. Not surprisingly, purity culture is at the room of this."
To finish off this episode, Jenelle talks about what a conversation about sexual health and safety should look like. The dialogue is a two-way stream, and not just on the person initiating it. Check out next week’s episode to learn more about specific ways that this dialogue can look. |
Apr 16, 2023 |
Episode #79: The Sex Ed We Wish We Had: Non-Exploitation, with Amber Wood
01:07:37
We’re continuing our series on The Sex Ed We Wish We Had, rooted in the six sexual health principles of Doug Braun-Harvey. The second principle is non-exploitation (5:00), “when a person leverages their power and control to receive sexual gratification. The outcome is sex that is ruthless and insensitive to the feelings of a partner and family members. The outcome encompasses unwanted, harsh, or cruel nomination or taking advantage of a person who is mentally incapable to use their cognitive and emotional capacity. To give or not give consent.” We commonly talk about exploitation from the perspective of individuals leveraging their individual power and control to receive sexual gratification. On this, and in future episodes, we acknowledge that individuals who exploit are commonly enacting cultural and societal directives to exploit. As such, we are holding both systems and individuals accountable. We’re excited to have our colleague and friend Amber Wood as our guest. She talks with us about the exploitation of queer people in the church, including:
Amber closes with a message of hope: “I'm seeing more acceptance and less of a stigma. The LGBTQ community is just normal. And so it gives me hope that they will then raise their children to where they're accepting and they don't have to go through this. That gives me hope that, that maybe this is changing.” Let’s heal together! |
Apr 10, 2023 |
Episode 78: The Sex Ed We Wish We Had: Consent, Part 2 of 2, with Jeremiah and Julia
39:02
We're continuing our conversation about consent on Sexvangelicals. Julia made a comment on this week’s episode that consent is simultaneously easy and extremely difficult to navigate. I mean, we want consent to be an easy, straightforward thing. And when there are clear intentions to use sexuality as a way to physically and emotionally hurt and violate other people, the line between consent and non-consent becomes pretty straightforward. However, if we think about consent not as attorneys do, as a yes/no binary, consent was or wasn’t given, but more as a relational process, a dialogue, a conversation, here’s where things become a bit more complicated. We continue to talk about the nuances of consent in part 2 of our episode. We also provide Relationship 101 on how to use some of the principles of consent in your sexual relationships.
Julia concludes, “You might even be apprehensive about having a conversation about sex, so check in along the way.” Consent is ultimately about conversation and dialogue, not just during the actual sexual experience, but before and after genital play happens. Let’s heal together! |
Apr 03, 2023 |
Episode 77: The Sex Ed We Wish We Had: Consent, Part 1 of 2, with Jeremiah and Julia
49:24
After our month-long foray into the disturbing literature from the Evangelical Christian publishing industry, we continue our new series The Sex Ed We Wish We Had. Last month, we interviewed Doug Braun-Harvey, who describes the six sexual health principles that we and many other sexual health providers use as their rubric for co-creating healthy sexual encounters. We begin with a two-part series on consent, which, to quote the Harvey Institute (8:40):
We also address:
These are hard conversations to have, and next week, we’ll talk more about Julia’s experience navigating sexuality and consent in her marriage, before concluding with some Relationship 101. Let’s heal together! |
Mar 28, 2023 |
Episode #76: Reading from the Book That the Gospel Coalition Apologized For Last Week
01:10:13
This week, we finish our third and final installment in our series reading Joshua Butler’s “Beautiful Union.” This book was initially endorsed, then quickly recalled, by the Gospel Coalition. In the final part of Chapter One, we get to read how Butler compares the vulva to a “bus depot, how Jesus was supposedly a 33-year-old virgin, and how Butler uses citations incorrectly. In all seriousness, this messaging by Butler is not new, just repackaged for 2023. You could have realistically picked up a book like this in 2013, 2003, and 1993 and the same message would be clear: Don’t. Have. Sex. (Unless you are married, then it’s okay!) He stays true to Evangelical beliefs by making it clear that Queer people do not exist and reinforcing the binary that you can only be single or married. We hope you enjoy this episode where we read yet another book repacking the same purity culture values again! Sex Workers and Therapists (9:00) “Therapy is the selling of a relationship. And a sexual experience regardless of the length of time, regardless of when the relationship stops or ends, is the selling of a relationship. Now the relationship involves the bodies. Rather than an emotional and psychological connection, but still the selling of a relationship,” Julia says in response to how Butler describes sex work. She draws the comparison between Therapists and Sex Workers in an interesting fashion, and says how the two are not so different! Repacking Rape Culture (16:00) “He's creating this double bind in which he is simultaneously describing rape as a sin while setting up a context in which that is an unavoidable sin due to the nature of genitalia, excusing the violence and then wrapping it in the language in which that's an inversion of giving. Nothing about that is giving, and the language of inversion does not excuse that.” The central idea in rape culture, that men are just too horny to control themselves. Both misogyny and misandry are at play here because rape is violent and without excuse, yet he is giving an excuse. Sex is a Relational Experience (22:00) “Nowhere in this book so far has Joshua Butler suggested anything about sex being a relational experience. A relational experience being two people communicating about what they want regarding a particular experience.” Jeremiah notes how Butler has not mentioned at any point how sex is a communicative experience involving actual people and feelings. Evangelicals have a unique ability to sterilize sex whilst also not using the words penis, vagina, vulva, clitoris and so on. They put sex on a pedestal without taking into consideration that actual people having that sex. Relentless Pursuer (32:00) “He's making the assumption that God is the relentless pursuer. That whether you want God or not, he's gonna keep pursuing you, even violating boundary norms. Which if that's your theology, that's fine, but if you want to make a parallel process between that and the way that men should pursue women, again, one more representation of rape culture.” Jesus as the relentless pursuer has the same ring to it as the guy who won’t stop harassing the girl who doesn’t want to go on a date with him. Queer Erasure (35:00) “How did he erase the queer community so much? That this isn't even mentioned as a sin, which is of course so disturbing.” Julia responds. This idea of don’t ask, don’t tell is reinforced here because Butler doesn’t even mention being gay as a sin, he just ignores the existence of queerness! Single Like Jesus (51:00) “They use singleness as a euphemism for celibacy. And this is another classic move. We are absolutely effing obsessed with sex. And then the afterthought is, don't worry if you aren't having sexual experiences, you are equal in your humanity. This is an idea that happens outside of Christian circles as well,” Julia talks about the Christian idea that you can only be single and celibate or married and have sex. Christians leave no room for those of us who are single AND having sex or those of us who are in a non-marital relationship AND having sex. Concluding thoughts (1:05) “I’m angry. I'm angry that men and women continue to be encouraged to hold onto these insanely rigid positions as Butler has described” Jeremiah finishes off this episode with a sentiment I think we can all hold on to, anger. It is ridiculous that this messaging is still prevalent in 2023, but it is. There is always hope, as Julia points out because the Gospel Coalition got well-deserved backlash on this. Even though this book is still set to be published, we hope that the Gospel Coalition getting flack for this is not a one-time occurrence. |
Mar 21, 2023 |
Episode #75: Reading from the Book that the Gospel Coalition Apologized For Last Week, part 2
01:03:32
Last week, we read the introduction from the book Beautiful Union by Joshua Butler. You know, the book that the Gospel Coalition posted an excerpt from two weeks ago, causing the Internet to lash out against TGC and Butler. And this week, we’re reading the first half of the first chapter, and have our own variety of responses and reactions. We are not theologians; check out Jackson Wu’s recent article on Patheos The Fundamental Flaws in Josh Butler’s Argument for a dissection of the problematic perspective of Butler’s (and many Evangelical leader’s) theology. We are sex therapists. And we’re reading chapter one from the lens of how Butler’s theology informs the rigid expectations around sexuality that continue to fuel Evangelical and Pentecostal sermons and teachings. Naming these rigid expectations and understanding how Evangelical theologians come to these conclusions help us deconstruct unhelpful expectations for humanity and recreate new possibilities for people to explore themselves and celebrate life through relationships.
Jeremiah summarizes, “This is not paradigm shifting. This is parroting the evangelical language from the eighties, nineties, two thousands, Focus on the Family nonsense and using slightly different language, slightly different metaphors.” It’s imperative that we continue to discuss negative, confining, oppressive texts about sexuality, gender, and relationships, both from legislative outlets and Christian publishing houses. We’ll conclude chapter 1 on Beautiful Union next week! Let’s heal together!
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Mar 14, 2023 |
Episode 74: Reading from the Book that the Gospel Coalition Apologized For Last Week, Part 1
41:49
This week there has been controversy surrounding Joshua Butler's new book, Beautiful Union: How God's Vision for Sex Points us to the Good, Unlocks the Truth, and Sort of Explains Everything. And yes, that is the real title. The Gospel Coalition, a media source for conservative evangelicals, published an excerpt from Joshua Butler's new book, which was so horrendous, even THEY had to take it down. We were incredibly curious to see what piece of writing could be so bad, even the evangelicals had to apologize for it. Enjoy as we navigate the introduction and first chapter to Joshua Butler’s Beautiful Union. |
Mar 07, 2023 |
Episode #73: The Sex Education That We Wish We Had, with Doug Braun-Harvey, part 2
46:44
Join us for part two of our episode with Doug Braun-Harvey. Doug is a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapy supervisor and certified sex therapist in San Diego. He has taught and consulted on sexuality and sexual health with Widener University, the University of Michigan, and the University of Minnesota. Doug is also the co-founder of the Harvey Institute, an international education, training, consulting, and supervision service for improving healthcare. Good Christian (3). “I grew up in a very Christian world. And so for me to say I wasn't a Christian, took me 35 years. To be honest and open and say, no, I'm not a Christian. I do not identify as a Christian, and that was a tremendously liberating for my sexual health.” Doug shares the liberating experience of just saying I am not a Christian. This phrase can be a challenging hurdle for many people, because of the Christian central country we live in. Deconstructing Narratives (18). “One of the things that stood out to me is also part of being a man, part of being a successful man is knowing shit. So when you're thinking, when you asked a question, what is your vision for sexual health? My initial response even was like, well, fuck, I don't know how to answer that question. And some of the shame then that comes up for me because part of the narrative around being a man for me is, well, I know the answers to things. That's how I'm successful as a man” Jeremiah opens up about the effects of toxic expectations that come from manhood and strives to redefine what being a “successful man” means and looks like, and sometimes it means not knowing all the answers. Toxic Masculinity (23). “Toxic masculinity I think is really saying living in a male-identified body that gives you the privilege of remaining unconscious about how you move in the world and the consequences of how you live the world. I like to think about who do we ask to be more conscious or not in our society, and who must be conscious in order to live in the society and thrive, or at least not suffer horrible things” Doug covers how a majority of men do not realize their privilege, a simple thing such as walking alone at night may never be a second thought for men. He explores how many people are forced to be conscious of this out of safety. Sexual Debut (25). “The church is a lot to say and churches have a lot to say. Now, the example that's the most pervasive in the entire planet is the sexual debut. And the sexual debut is really a heterosexually defined experience of penile vaginal, penetrative, intercourse. And that's supposed to happen, and it only has moral value if it happens in a marital relationship that has been contracted and established. That's it. If intercourse happens anytime before that, it is not a morally correct sex act after marriage. It is. That's an example of an act-centered value system. Now, the principle-centered value system is one where you ask yourself, was it consensual? I was conscious and avoiding exploitative interactions in order to be sexual with this person. And was I aware that the person was also not exploiting me? Is there honesty?” Doug discusses the idea of the sexual debut through the Christian lens. This lens can be very damaging for those who do not fit the Christian moral standard for sex, and how that in itself can harm our views of ourselves and sex. Male Sexuality (39). “I work with some unpartnered men and they have talked about how lonely it is not to have the permission to discuss sexuality in the same way that women might, and I had one client come back to a session and he said, oh my God, I had a conversation about sex with my best friend for the first time. And it was, it was such a liberating experience for him. And I remember my own like emotions coming up in that interaction as well.” Julia opens up about a healing conversation she had with a client and how many men do not have ways to openly discuss sexuality in the same manner most women do, and how liberating that can be for men to have those avenues. |
Mar 01, 2023 |
Episode #72: The Sex Education That We Wish We Had, with Doug Braun-Harvey, part 1
59:07
This week we start our new series The Sex Education We Wish We Had and our first guest Doug Brown Harvey, the co-founder of the Harvey Institute, an international education training, consulting, and supervision service for improving healthcare through the integration of sexual health.
Since 1993, he has been developing and implementing a sexual health-based treatment approach for men out of control, sexual behavior. His book, treating Out of Control, Sexual Behavior, Rethinking Sex Addiction, written with co-author Michael Vito was published in 2015. If you Google his name, you'll get access to his other books. Doug is a licensed marriage and family therapist, certified sex therapist, supervisor and certified sex therapist in San Diego. He has taught and consulted on sexuality and sexual health with Biden University, the University of Michigan, and the University of Minnesota. The term “Sex Addiction” (14:50). “The idea was sex addiction was supposed to become a diagnosis […] there was an effort to create some sort of mental health diagnosis for this human behavior of dis-regulated sexual behavior […] there's always been a kind of contentious notions about whether that's an accurate description because there can be a lot of shame and judgment that goes with sex addiction. It's not just, gee, you have this condition, you have a condition that is the source of shame,” Doug explains the history of the term sex addiction, which has a nuanced history that ropes in shame, safe spaces, and a way to classify sexual behavior that did not fit within societal expectations. New Safe Spaces (16:40). “The idea of being a sex addict was relieving to people in its time? Sure. Yeah. It gave them an honorable space to go and openly discuss what they were doing in rooms outside of churches, outside of therapy offices, outside of places where stigma and shame might be commonplace.” Doug highlights how the diagnosis of “sex addict” gave people in that era a safe space, where they are not alone and do not have to turn to places that shame them (churches) but instead were offered resources and a community. “It was kind of a breath of fresh air to walk into these spaces. You were out of isolation. There was no internet back in those days. It was compelling to sit in a room and meet other people who weren't monsters.” The Billy Graham Rule (28). “I think for me, that idea of, well, I don't want to hurt anybody. I don't want to cause pain to anybody. And learning early on that we talk about the Billy Graham rule. This idea is that if men are in rooms with women by themselves, like leave the door open. Inherently speaking, what's going to happen is that the man is going to do something violating toward the woman. It's just gonna happen. So leave the door open. That way, you know, that other people could at any moment kind of walk in. Well, that's depressing. That is depressing. That's pessimistic.” Jeremiah opens up about the effect the Billy Graham rule and purity culture have had on him, and how in many spaces men are conditioned to believe their sexuality is inherently violent. The Power of Language (32). “Men don't walk into a therapist's office with useful language for talking about sex. All they have is what they've been taught, the popular culture language, which is very stigmatizing. Look at the Billy Graham rule. I mean, somebody's gonna walk into my office thinking that they're a dangerous monster” Doug talks about how most men do not walk into therapeutic spaces with the language for talking about sex and sexual health. Media has a huge impact on sex, and the language we use, he gives the example later of how when some men say “jacking off” he uses the language of “solo sex.” Doug however never forces his clients to use this language but notices them start to use it over time, which shows the power of simple changes. A Woman’s Humanity and Male Desire (43:24) Julia asks a thought-provoking question: “As a woman who has experienced quite a bit of sexual harassment and objectification, how do you then talk about the beauty of desire and for men who are attracted to women? How do you do that in a way that's more respectful to a woman's humanity?” Which Doug answers by saying, “So what we have to do is teach people the difference between pleasure and politics. How do you enjoy your pleasure and be respectful and be aware of patriarchy? Be aware of sexism. Be aware of misogyny. That is another narrative. But the world of pleasure is also another narrative. And so we have to honor both.”
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Feb 20, 2023 |
Episode 71: Deadly Sexual Sin (According to the Church) #7: Don’t Ask Questions, with Jeremiah and Julia
50:39
We conclude our series on the Seven Deadly Sexual Sins (According to the Church) with reflections on the final sin: Don’t ask questions. Not knowing is an extremely difficult skill to master, especially for those of us who grew up in contexts where knowing and believing will conflated. However, not asking questions impacted our own sexual development, and ultimately the end of our marriages. Jeremiah and Julia talk about the conflation of faith with knowing about God, the ways that questions invite anxiety into a relationship, especially a theological one, and ways that questions bring excitement and growth into a system. Let's heal together! |
Feb 13, 2023 |
Episode #70: Deadly Sexual Sin #6 (According to the Church): Don’t Say No, with Dr. Laura Anderson, part 2
58:22
In episode #69, we talk with Dr. Laura Anderson, co-founder of the Religious Trauma Institute, about the ways that Evangelical structures set up the sixth deadly sexual sin, “Don’t say no”, especially to your “God given gender roles”. In part 2 of our interview, Laura talks with us about the devastating implications of “Don't say no”, including:
And we close the episode with two tips for Relationship 101 (53:45):
Let's heal together! |
Feb 07, 2023 |
Episode 69: Deadly Sexual Sin #6 (According to the Church): Don't Say No, with Laura Anderson
58:29
“In purity culture, both men and women are hypersexualized and then also supposed to be asexual at the same time,” explains Dr. Laura Anderson, cofounder of the Religious Trauma Institute. In short, the expectation is that men are expected to say yes to all things sexual, and women are expected to say and embody the word, no. The sixth deadly sexual sin captures the practice of rigid gender roles. Men are expected to be dominant. Women are expected to be submissive. Don’t say no to those gender roles. We talk about the pressures on men and women to say yes to these particular roles, the ensuing paralysis that creates, from simple decisions to longer-term decisions, like dating relationships, and the competitiveness between women and men that this culture creates. |
Jan 30, 2023 |
Episode 68: Deadly Sexual Sin #5 (According to the Church): Don't Watch Porn, with Cayte Castrillon
01:00:04
Last week, we talked with Cayte Castrillon about her research on the pornography consumption of teenage girls impacts the ways they view their bodies, relationships, and perceptions of men. We continue our conversation with Cayte this week about the constructs of ethical porn (8:50), how mainstream porn (read: Pornhub) invites unhealth comparison (18:20), how moral reactions prevent us from having healthy conversations about pornography (25:00), and how we can talk with our partners (34:50) and children (48:45) about pornography. Jeremiah summarizes Cayte’s position in the introduction (4:10): “We're not at fault for our social conditioning, but we are responsible for it. We have to reflect on how we have developed as sexual beings, how that impacts us and our relationships, and then ask ourselves, am I content with who I am as a sexual person?"
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Jan 22, 2023 |
Episode 67: Deadly Sexual Sin #5 (According to the Church): Don't Watch Porn, with Cayte Castrillon, part 1
35:37
Welcome back to the Seven Deadly Sexual Sins (According to the Church). We continue with Deadly Sexual Sin #5, especially geared toward men: Don’t Watch Porn. After all, we know that women don’t watch porn. Or do they? We invite Cayte Castrillon, sex therapist and PhD student, to share her research about how women consume porn, what porn teaches women about their own bodies and sexuality, and the observations that women make about the ways that male partners are influenced by porn. |
Jan 16, 2023 |
Episode 66: Three Conversations to Have Before Setting Your New Years Resolutions
57:29
What are your goals for the New Year? What word encapsulates what you want to accomplish in 2023? Answering those questions, be they at the start of the year, midway through a project, or at the conclusion of an event, requires an effective self-reflection process. Ideally, said process happens both individually and in relationship, be that with a partner, a friend or family member, or larger community. Julia and Jeremiah describe three practices that can provide a structure for having these conversations. 1) Month and Review. 2) Intentional Grief Practices 3) A Process-Centered Evaluation We use these processes to talk about our worst and best moments of 2023, knowing, as John Gottman reminds us, that for every negative interaction, it’s important to name five positive interactions. We also reveal our own individual and relational goals for 2023! |
Jan 09, 2023 |
Trailer: Happy 2023 from Jeremiah and Julia!
02:57
Happy 2023 from Sexvangelicals! We're excited to preview our January episodes, including the final three episodes of our Seven Deadly Sexual Sins (According to the Church) and a special episode about our visit to the Sigmund Freud Museum in Vienna. Thank you for being part of our journey! Let's heal together! |
Jan 04, 2023 |
Episode 65: Christmas: Going to Church When You Don’t Go to Church Anymore
46:38
Christmas is a strange season for folks who are in the process of exploring and healing from the ways that the church has negatively impacted them. Many of our listeners are deconstructing Christianity in some way; however, deconstruction can quickly move into emotionally cutting off, which don't give you the permission to engage with the complexities and beauty of the family members and stories and institutions. For us, Christmas is the best of the modern Christian tradition. We also acknowledge that Christmas also intersects hope with grief, especially for those of us who have moved out of overtly religious spaces; we identify strategies for tending to the grief and finding traditions that work best for you and your family. |
Dec 27, 2022 |
Episode 64: Get a Room! And Three Other Ways to Navigate Sex During the Holiday Season
38:47
Jeremiah and Julia take a break from the Seven Deadly Sexual Sins According to the Church and discuss two ways that sexuality can be hard during the holidays: 1) Privacy concerns; and 2) The general pressures of the holiday. They then discuss a myriad of relationship tips, including getting a separate space for you and your partner when visiting family and friends, talking with your partner about the pressures connected to the holidays, and creating intentional transition spaces in and out of sexuality. |
Dec 20, 2022 |
Bonus Episode: Happy Holidays from Jeremiah and Julia!
02:47
Happy Holidays, from Jeremiah and Julia! Thank you for all of the support that you've given us in 2022! We're excited to share two holiday episodes with you to wrap up December, and launch 2023 with new pictures, new episodes, and a lot of fun! |
Dec 20, 2022 |
Episode 63: Deadly Sexual Sin #4 (According to the Church): Don't Have an Affair, part 2
01:12:12
We continue our series on the Seven Deadly Sexual Sins (According to the Church) with part two on the sin: Don't Have an Affair. We're sharing this story because we need to talk about the commitments that partners make to each other around sexuality, and we need to talk about the ways that people break those commitments, and why they break those commitments, because affairs don't happen in isolation. We name five characteristics of infidelity. 1) Infidelity as one of a bunch of bad choices (or no good choices). 2) Infidelity as an autonomous choice in a sexual history with minimal autonomy. 3) Infidelity as protest. 4) Infidelity as regret. 5) Infidelity as isolation. |
Dec 14, 2022 |
Episode 62: Deadly Sexual Sin #4 (According to the Church): Don't Have an Affair, part 1
45:40
We continue our series on the Seven Deadly Sexual Sins (According to the Church) with Sin #4: Don't have an affair. As the church describes, the marriage is the most foundational relationship in the Evangelical community. It’s a right of passage into adulthood and symbolizes the union between God/Jesus and the church, as the church describes. And, according to the Evangelical Church, any relationship with a person of the opposite gender that is not your spouse is a potential threat to the sanctity of marriage. The Church will use this logic to condemn people who have affairs. Jesus, however, has a very different way of responding to adultery, as we read in John Chapter 8. Learn more about how we might take an approach like Jesus when we engage with the presence of infidelity in our own lives and communities. |
Dec 04, 2022 |
Episode 61: Deadly Sexual Sin #3 (According to the Church): Don't Have Wants, with Jake and Sarah Lollar
58:05
The third of the Seven Deadly Sexual Sins is the psychological engine for the church’s position on sexuality: Don’t lust. Which, in the Evangelical Church, quickly reduces to "Don't have wants or desires." Our friends Jake and Sarah talk with us about how growing up in the Evangelical Church (the same collegiate church as Jeremiah, in fact) impacted their relationship with wants as individuals and as a partnership. We explore the concept of lust throughout Christian history, and then describe a three step process that can help give yourself permission to name your own wants and desires. |
Nov 29, 2022 |
Episode 60: Deadly Sexual Sin #2 (According to the Church): Don't Be Gay
01:11:13
Jeremiah and Julia continue their series on the Seven Deadly Sexual Sins, According to the Church, with the deadliest of the “sins”, as we were reminded over the weekend in Colorado Springs: Don’t be gay. They discuss the different ways that the combination of “Don’t be gay” and “Don’t have sex before you get married” negatively impacted their development. They then describe two binaries that the church (and other institutions) place around queerness: 1) Either you're gay or you're straight; 2) Either you're "born this way" or queerness was socialized into you. Julia and Jeremiah close the episode by discussing three strategies to navigate the homophobia of the church and broadening practices of sexuality. |
Nov 21, 2022 |
Episode 59: Rage Against Homophobia: A Response to the Murders at the Club Q in Colorado Springs
05:08
The murders at Club Q on November 20 in Colorado Springs are horrific, as are all acts of violence against the queer community. Julia and Jeremiah bypass the impulse to dissect how church rhetoric impacted the murders, especially given that they happened in the mecca of the Evangelical Church. They name their anger and rage at this and a myriad of other crimes committed against queer bodies. |
Nov 21, 2022 |
Episode 58: Deadly Sexual Sin #1 (According to the Church): Don’t Have Sex Before You Get Married
01:12:51
The first of the seven deadly sexual sins is the apex of Purity Culture: Don't have sex before you get married. And as Jeremiah and Julia discuss, the Evangelical Church has collaborated with policy makers to ensure that abstinence only sex education is infused throughout public schools nationwide. The Evangelical Church suggests three ways that sexual experiences will be blissful for those who wait until marriage to have sex. You and your spouse will be able to intuit each other's needs. Your honeymoon will be the most incredible experience of your life. Sex will be spontaneous, and will flow naturally without any need to discuss it. Most couples have a sexual relationship that only occasionally fits into these three categories. Jeremiah and Julia discuss strategies to base a healthy sexual relationship on, including Peggy Kleinplatz's Optimal Sexuality Model and the sexual menu practice. |
Nov 06, 2022 |
Episode 57: Seven Deadly Sexual Sins (According to the Church): A Preview
01:01:02
Sexvangelicals is a podcast about the sex education that the church didn't want you to have. What's the sex education that the church did want you to have? So glad that you asked! Julia and Jeremiah talk about the Seven Deadly Sexual Sins (according to the Church). And you'll notice that they all have one word in common. Don't. In this episode, we talk about the implications and limitations for how the word "don't" can negatively impact sex education, as well as how you can name some "do's" to more effectively communicate what you need. Welcome back to Sunday School! Get some animal crackers, a cup of apple juice, and enjoy the episode! |
Oct 31, 2022 |
Episode 56: The Benefits of Separating Pleasure from Sexuality, with Goody Howard
51:08
We commonly hear our couples conflating sexuality and pleasure, which comes with the unintended message that the only, or best way that a person can experience pleasure is through their sexuality. For a lot of folks, that's a ton of pleasure to put on a sexual relationship, and can lead to sexuality feeling like an obligation. We talk with sex educator Goody Howard (@askgoody) about strategies to separate pleasure from sexuality, with the hopes that the more a person experiences pleasure in their individual lives, the more positively that impacts a sexual relationship. She explores with us:
And make sure to stay tuned to the end, when Goody describes what has quickly become our favorite article of clothing.
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Oct 31, 2022 |
Episode 55: How the Slippery Slope, as Described in Lauren Winner's Real Sex, Creates Sexual Anxiety, with Jeremiah and Julia
01:34:55
The slippery slope. These three words provide the principle for exploring sexuality under the purview of Purity Culture. The slippery slope asks unmarried daters the question, “How far is too far?” How much physical contact and pleasure can I have before God gets pissed at me, and I have to apologize for being an abysmal human being? Is it making out? Necking? (Still not entirely sure what that means.) Is it hands on the butts, breasts, and/or genitals? Mouths on butts/breasts/genitals? While Lauren Winner’s book Real Sex is theoretically about chastity, a word that Jeremiah describes as a “fancy, hyper-intellectual term for purity”, she spends much of the book wrestling with the above questions. Jeremiah says, “You want to know what the rules are so I can go as far against the slippery slope, have a pleasurable experience, but also be in good standings in the eyes of an angry and bitter God.” In our newest episode of Bedtime Stories, Jeremiah and Julia talk about the psychological and relational challenges that emerge from Real Sex, including:
Jeremiah and Julia conclude that Real Sex “sets up a way to figure out how to make sense for someone to work sexually, but it’s shrouded under the fear of the watchful eye: an angry God who coincides with an angry community.” What were other messages, helpful or unhelpful, that you remember from reading Real Sex? |
Oct 17, 2022 |
Episode 54: How to Practice Body Neutrality, with Abby Kubicek
01:09:55
Many of our guests and listeners (and ourselves) grew up in religious contexts that packaged the abstinence-only sex education curricula developed during the Reagan era and continued in the 40+ years since then through the concept of “purity”. Spiritual success happens to those (especially the female segment) who avoid having sexual relationships prior to marriage, either with their partners or with themselves (with or without the assistance of sexually explicit material) and who avoid same-sex relationships. Much of the work on our podcast is dedicated to debunking the painful and toxic implications of purity culture. Because, as Julia summarizes in this episode, “There’s no such thing as the good girl. It doesn’t matter how good you are, you’re never good enough.” We talk with Abby Kubicek, a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and Licensed Addictions Counselor, and owner of Durango Relationship Counseling in Durango CO. There she focuses on helping those in all types of relationships, whether with themselves, a partner, multiple partners, kinky or BDSM. A great deal of her work is focused on LGBTQ2IA+ identity and relationships, sexual health, the impact of religion on relationships and more. Abby discusses her experiences of navigating purity culture, including:
Abby closes her time with us by reminding us that Jesus’ ultimate message was love—love for yourself, and for your fellow humans. Healing begins with loving people and yourself. Let’s heal together! |
Oct 09, 2022 |
Episode 53: How to Reenvision Masculinity, with Mark Vaughan
01:13:05
Many of our guests are either women or queer folks, as the messaging from purity culture most commonly places restrictions and shame onto their bodies and relationships. This is not to say that straight White men are immune from the negative ramifications of purity culture. In fact, the messages from John Eldredge, Mark Driscoll, Brian Houston, and myriad of disciples of these aforementioned men center around a rigid, dominant, aggressive, take-no-prisoners form of masculinity that result in limited communication, high expectations of privilege, and almost zero emotional accessibility (other than anger). Stories of men who have attended and survived conservative religious groups are imperative to our mission of exploring the values and impact of Evangelical culture. “From the beginning, boys and girls are split up, saying that if you’re a cis het boy/girl, you’re not supposed to talk to the opposite sex about sexuality. This reinforces gender binaries and secrecy,” our guest Mark Vaughan describes. Mark talks with us about:
Mark describes his ongoing work as pushing against the impulse to remain silent and go with the flow. “I need to recognize the times that I fall back into silence and not addressing things.” We take this slogan as part of the healing process from the negative, limiting messages about masculinity. Let’s heal together! |
Oct 03, 2022 |
Episode 52: How to Set More Intentional Transitions in Your Relationships, with Jeremiah and Julia
22:00
Conservative Christianity centers its relationship education around two main themes:
We’ve mentioned before that the church taught us a lot of great values: honesty, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness. However, the church does a poor job at communicating how to navigate these values in the midst of an intimate, (hopefully) egalitarian relationship between two different people. We consider Sexvangelicals to be an adult education center of sorts, providing relationship and sexuality skills to folks who did not grow up in contexts where open dialogue, conflict, and sexual health were encouraged. In this mini-episode, Relationship 101, we reflect on transitions and intentionality. (This is a big theme in Sexvangelicals Season 3.) We discuss two main topics
We end the episode by asking a very important question: If you had to go either to the bottom of the ocean or to space for a month with someone (other than the person you're asking this question to) who and why? It's a great question to ask your friend, partner, parent etc. and personally, I (Nicole) would go to space with my best friend, because the ocean scares me. Enjoy this mini-episode! Let’s heal together! |
Sep 26, 2022 |
Episode 51: How to Base Your Sexual Journey on Values Instead of Behaviors, with Andrea Eriks
01:28:04
There are numerous communities on Facebook, Reddit, and the podcast world that support people who are navigating through the pain and restrictions that religious communities often create. “Deconstruction” becomes an organizing word to summarize the process for folks who are exploring and moving through these challenging experiences. But what does deconstruction actually mean? And what are the characteristics and challenges of deconstruction? Andrea Eriks helps us explore these questions (and a lot more). Andrea is a licensed mental health counselor and co-owner of the group therapy practice The Cottage at 933 located in South Bend, Indiana. Andrea earned her master’s degree from Indiana University South Bend in 2016 and has been working in private practice since. Andrea has honed her skills in trauma, attachment, systemic therapy, and most recently sexology. Currently Andrea is attending Modern Sex Therapy Institute where she is working toward her PhD in Clinical Sexology as well as becoming an AASECT certified Sex Therapist. Andrea talks with us about:
We are dedicated to providing a safe space for people to step into vulnerability during the painful, scary, and enriching process of deconstructing (and reconstructing), both through sharing our stories and the wisdom of others who are joining us in this experience. Let’s heal together! |
Sep 19, 2022 |
Episode 50: How to Prepare Yourself to Leave a Fundamentalist Community, with Tia Levings
01:39:21
“I am here for a reason, and it’s not to be someone’s tool or vessel. It wasn’t so that five people could come into being. There’s something unique about me. I gave three decades of my life to others’ agendas for me—how was I useful to them? I don’t find that useful anymore. I want to fulfill the reason why I’m here. It depends on me being able to do it, and not stay in the place where I only think about what happened to me. That’s giving them my future. I will not do that anymore. I have a lot of say in what my future will look like.” — Tia LevingsTia Levings is a writer and content creator whose work explores the female narrative in patriarchal spaces. A survivor of church-sanctioned domestic violence, Tia shares the realities of Christian Fundamentalism, and sheds light on the strategic influence high control religion has on our society and headlines today. Her memoir releases in 2024 with St. Martin’s Press and you can find her videos on Instagram and Tiktok. We are thrilled to have Tia share her experience of surviving and escaping a religiously fundamentalist community, discovering healing and self-exploration, and using her story to help others find their own versions of healing. In this episode, Tia talks with us about:
Tia concludes, “I had been waiting for rescue my whole life. Someday my prince will come. Someday God will save me. When it came down to it, I had to get us out of there. I’m the heroine of my own story.” The healing process from navigating and leaving religious fundamentalism is extremely daunting, and we hope that Tia’s story provides courage, imagination, and resilience for those who are in similar contexts. |
Sep 12, 2022 |
Episode 49: How to Develop a Strategy to Resolve Conflict, with Jeremiah and Julia
01:01:26
We are on vacation this week! We are currently outside of Frankfurt, and later this afternoon, will drive with some relatives to the Saxon Switzerland National Park (a national park that is on the German/Czech border, and not particularly close to Switzerland). So this week, we wanted to do an episode that speaks to all of us. We usually record on Wednesdays, and our Wednesday began with some conflict. While we resolved some of our conflict before moving into a work day, we wanted to use this episode to reevaluate our conflict, talk through some of the differences between us that contributed to the conflict, and explore how we can navigate these more effectively next time. So rather than writing official show notes, we wanted to walk you through our process for moving toward conflict resolution.
We hope that this process, and episode, provides you with some skills to have the best relationship possible! Let’s heal together! |
Sep 04, 2022 |
Episode 48: How the Church of Christ Informs Expectations of Masculinity, with Jeremiah
01:16:52
One of the lesser known Evangelical denominations is the Church of Christ. As this article explains, Churches of Christ are autonomous communities; there’s no governing or organizing body, though each CoC has defined staff and ministry leadership. It’s a small, fairly minimalistic denomination, as shown by its acappella worship tradition and stringent adherence to Biblical text. It’s clear that all of the images of church buildings in the afore-mentioned article are stock photos, because no Church of Christ is that architecturally fancy. The Church of Christ is the context for Jeremiah’s spiritual and communal upbringing; check out his elevator pitch for the Church of Christ at the 12:00 mark. Its messages around theology, morality and successful living, and gender performance provided Jeremiah with an understanding for how to engage with others and set expectations for himself. Julia interviews Jeremiah about themes from his religious upbringing, including:
Jeremiah reflects on the ways that his experiences within the Church of Christ impacted his relationships: “The values that I learned about kindness and caring prevented me from becoming an authoritarian prick, but it’s also hard for me to enact and embody collaboration where I can stay in my lane and trust that people will do what they say they will and that I don’t have to overfunction.” We are looking forward to sharing and reintroducing our stories in upcoming episodes! Let’s heal together! |
Aug 29, 2022 |
Episode 47: How Purity Culture Creates Perfectionism for Women, and How to Overcome It, with Julia
01:26:28
A lot has changed in the last two years since we recorded our third episode, when Julia described the intersection between purity culture, Christian school, and the relationship with her body. For instance, we’re recording episodes from The Netherlands. We hired Nicole to be our podcast producer (a huge thanks to Nicole for writing these show notes). We’ve had a ton of hikes and trauma days and travel experiences and conversations. While the events Julia and Jeremiah are reflecting on to start season 3 are the same, we’re engaging our stories with fresh perspectives, new information, and expanded contexts. We hope to reintroduce ourselves to you, our listeners, as well as to ourselves, as we reflect on our stories in new ways. In this episode, Julia talks with Jeremiah about the features of her small, insular community of origin in New England, and the ways that they impact her relationship with herself, including:
We are committed to telling and retelling our stories, regardless of how painful the process is. We would also love to have Sexvangelicals be a platform for sharing your story too. Please contact us for more information! Let’s heal together! |
Aug 22, 2022 |
Episode 46: How I'm Healing from the Wounds Created by the Left Behind Series, with Natasha DeHaan
01:26:22
Edmund Burke, 18th-century English philosopher, writes in Reflections on the Revolution in France: “He that wrestles with us strengthens our nerves and sharpens our skill. Our antagonist is our helper.”In the Evangelical Christian narrative, there are two very clear antagonists: 1) Satan. 2) Humans And a very clear, frightening bad guy’s lair: Hell. The simplistic story is that we are born bad, but can avoid the bad guy’s lair if we invite Jesus (the protagonist) “into our hearts”, through baptism, repentance, evangelism, etc., and do good things like Jesus did. While Evangelical writers would never suggest that Satan is our helper, the depiction of hell (sulfuric lakes, constantly hot, intermittent torture scenes) is a motivator for moral behavior. If you don’t behave in the ways that the church wants, you have an eternity of demons waiting for you. No artistic trope has done more to depict this doomsday scenario than the Left Behind series. Sadly, there is another movie coming out in October called Left Behind: Rise of the Antichrist. I want to watch it just because I want to know who producer Kevin Sorbo (once-Hercules, now right-wing fanatic) thinks is the anti-Christ. Barack Obama? Hillary Clinton? As you’ll discover in this episode, we put bets on long-shot Rob Bell. We can laugh at the ridiculousness of Left Behind, the church’s fear-mongering tactics designed to regulate good behavior, and the shady theology ascribed to the invention of hell. But these strategies have contributed to an enormous amount of anxiety that significantly impact relationships, sexuality, and our sense of civic responsibility. Our guest is Natasha DeHaan, board-certified family nurse practitioner, certified sexual health counselor, and certified menopause practitioner. Natasha shares her experiences navigating hell-infused systems, including:
Natasha summarizes, “I can now trust myself that I can sit with something that someone is saying without scrambling to find a reason or an answer. It’s uncomfortable though, because I’m not ‘helping’.” We’re thankful for Natasha for sharing her experience of navigating some of the more dastardly philosophies and emotional ploys of Evangelical Christianity. Let’s heal together! |
Aug 15, 2022 |
Episode 45: How I Got Really Good at Assimilating as an Interracial Adoptee, and What I Lost in the Process, with Jeremiah
01:13:12
Two years ago, Julia and Jeremiah started Sexvangelicals as many podcasters do: By introducing themselves and their stories. As we begin our third season of Sexvangelicals, recording in a brand new country, we want to reintroduce our stories. After all, as we explain, “The human healing process involves telling and retelling our stories. Parts of our perspective and insight change, though the facts and details may be static. The ways we create meaning and alignment with our values is the beautiful part of the story making and storytelling process.” We begin by revisiting Jeremiah’s story, which intersects themes of adoption and navigating race and racism as a Brown person in White spaces, including:
Adoption has a significant influence on the development of sense of self, communication patterns, and relationship development, and we hope that Jeremiah’s story can bring more insight, empathy, and awareness to the challenges that adopted folks confront, especially those who are adopted into families with different races and classes than their natural presentation. |
Aug 07, 2022 |
Episode 44: How to Have Conversations When Christians Claim One Value but Enact a Completely Different One, with Jessie Lane
51:20
Healing from the abuses of religious communities—both specific churches and the impact from the restrictive social policies that arise from intersection between Evangelical leaders and the Republican Party—can be a long-term process. One of our goals with Sexvangelicals is to introduce you to professionals who can facilitate that healing process. Our first guest of season 3, Jessie Lane, is one of those people. Jessie talks with us about a variety of ways that religion impacts emotional and relational processes, including:
Jessie provides counseling to folks in Massachusetts; if you live in Massachusetts and would like help working through the emotional and relational ramifications of silence, anxiety, and the moral incongruities of religious communities, she’s a fantastic resource, and is committed to our larger value: Let’s heal together. |
Jul 24, 2022 |
Episode 43: How Defining Our Terms is the Key to the Sexual Health Revolution, with Jeremiah and Julia
56:28
Today is our first full day in our new home, Utrecht, The Netherlands. We have been on break for the last few weeks while Julia and I rotate between Dutch Airbnbs, and Nicole has been in Prague filming a documentary. But to celebrate our first official day in Utrecht, we want to also begin season 3. Dobbs v. Jackson could not have been made possible without the relentless influence of the Evangelical, Pentecostal, and Catholic Churches to simplify (in the worst way possible) conversations about pre-natal and reproductive health; as a byproduct, the bodies and sexuality of women (and specifically poor women and/or women of color) will be even further scrutinized by a political party who has shown minimal interest in protecting the sanctity and success of family life outside of its “pro-life agenda”. As such, the time for a podcast such as ours could not be more fitting, and in the inaugural episode of season 3, we reclaim our purpose and mission, and reintroduce ourselves in the process:
We are excited to have you be a part of our journey in season 3! Let’s heal together! |
Jul 17, 2022 |
Episode 42: How Dobbs v. Jackson Parallels
the Ways that Evangelical Churches Read the Bible,
with Jeremiah and Julia
01:13:38
The overturning of Roe v. Wade screws all of us over. This is the nicest way that I, Nicole, can put it, but the rage, grief, anger, and despair cannot be summarized in a sentence. Over the past year, I have worked on my thesis film about the effects of communism on Romania. One of the worst laws passed was Decree 770, which banned all abortions and contraceptives. Women were gynecologically inspected at work once a month and if found to be pregnant, were closely monitored by the Romanian KBG (the Securitate). If they were found to have had an abortion, they were thrown in prison, along with the doctors or people who performed the abortion. This Decree left Romania with one of the worst orphan crises’ the world has ever seen. Children were left to die in orphanages. There is truly no way to sugarcoat this. I bring this up because my mother and grandmother lived through that, and I’m seeing it happen again in front of my eyes. People should not have to die because of Christian religious beliefs, because guess what—this country is supposed to have a separation of Church and State.
It’s important to understand the process of how decisions get made, because these perspectives are likely to be used to take away rights of other people in the coming decade. We grieve, rage, and seek systemic solutions to protect the rights of all people, including fetuses. We long for the day when protecting fetuses comes in the form of extended maternity and paternity leave, government-paid and grant-accessible preschools, and a healthcare system in which 8-10% of costs go back to the insurance company instead of 35%. Putting women’s bodies at risk by making abortions harder to access is not the answer. |
Jun 27, 2022 |
Episode 41: How to Manage Expectations in Times of Transitions, with Jeremiah and Julia
59:53
Renowned family therapy Jay Haley said that communication problems commonly occur when people are unable to make transitions from one developmental stage to another. There are transitions that naturally happen, such as when a couple makes an overt decision to enter into a monogamous relationship (or for that matter, an overt decision to be consensually nonmonogamous), or a child enters puberty or leaves home following graduation. And then there are transitions that are chosen, such as our decision to move to the Netherlands, which Julia summarizes, “Being in a country that’s chosen to adopt policies that promote sexual and public health reminds me that we have the resources to build a more humane society.” The fact that we’ve chosen to make this transition hasn’t made the adjustment process any easier. In some ways, the psychological and relational challenges with this transition are more acute. Living in a foreign country requires a more vigilant state and ensuing emotional energy, as we’re expecting differences in language and culture. Making adjustments to unexpected things, such as dodgy Airbnb hosts and a rapid rearrangement of lodging situations is downright exhausting. Julia and I talk about the following aspects of navigating transitions, eight days into our European adventure, including:
We talk about three strategies for effectively navigating transitions, especially this transition of moving internationally that we’ve chosen:
Thank you for being a part of our Sexvangelicals journey! We’re excited to share more from Europe in the next few weeks, and continue with guests starting in July. |
Jun 20, 2022 |
Episode 40: How to Say Goodbyes
with Intentionality,
with Jeremiah and Julia
56:39
Today is our eighth day in the Netherlands. It’s been an absolute whirlwind, to say the least, between not knowing how to speak Dutch to dodging whizzing cyclists on the road. This is the third day in a row that we’ve struggled to begin engaging the day before 10 AM. For two productivity-oriented folks, this has caused waffling degrees of panic and frustration. This isn’t how we wanted our first few days to be. We’re tired, and it would be easy to chalk that up to immersion in a new culture while navigating immigration. But we would be doing a disservice to ourselves and our relationship if we were to neglect or underestimate how much the goodbye process is impacting the exhaustion that we’re currently experiencing. In this episode, Julia and Jeremiah talk about the process of saying goodbye to the US, and our lives and relationships in Boston specifically. Whether or not you’re moving to another country, goodbyes, little and big, are persistent facets of all of our lives. We hope this episode provides structure and strategies to navigate goodbyes in ways that align with your values. We discuss:
Julia concludes our episode: “So often, we focus on the next things, but what happens if we focus on ending something well. What are the goodbyes that you’ve said that are meaningful? What are the rituals and processes about ending a relationship well—intentionally, vulnerably?” Please feel free to share your experiences with goodbyes with us on the Instagram feed or by emailing us! Let’s heal together! |
Jun 13, 2022 |
Episode 39: How to Practice Cultural Sensitivity When Talking About Sex, with Scotney Young
01:12:14
I grew up in clashing cultures. My mom and step-dad both being Romanian while raising me in America. When it was time for the “sex talk” at 13 I was shocked by my mom's openness, as Romanian culture is not one defined by sex positivity as it is deeply entrenched in Orthodox Christian values. Reflecting on that talk we had as an adult, I find it incredible that she was able to unpack her own cultural restrictions and have an open and honest conversation with me about contraception, consent, gynecology appointments, and STDs. This is not to say America has a sex-positive culture- it doesn’t, but it is to say that being able to communicate with your child about sexuality and sexual health has its benefits. That conversation prepared me to not be riddled with shame when I went on the pill, and not to be embarrassed when buying condoms, it all seemed very normal and proactive to me. |
May 28, 2022 |
Episode 38: How the Term "Pro-Life" Dodges What the Conservative Position on Abortion is Really About, with Jeremiah and Julia
43:33
Did any of our listeners go to one of the numerous protests against the feared revoking of Roe v. Wade yesterday (May 14)? What was your experience? In the NPR report on reproductive rights rallies, Illinois Lt. Governor Juliana Stratton said it most succinctly: “Here in Illinois, [or insert state here], we trust women.”Put simply, as we discussed in an earlier blog post, revoking Roe v Wade is bad policy. It doesn’t actually make abortion go away, but introduces a myriad of negative implications for the physiological, psychological, and sociological health of women.In fact, as western European countries show, increasing access to abortion (and contraception) reduces the numbers of abortion altogether. Julia and Jeremiah explore how the dichotomy between “pro-life” and “pro-choice” completely misses the larger point: How do we support adult women, and the folks they choose to include in their lives, make choices to build healthy families, families that involve and don’t involve children?
We will continue to talk about the impact of potential revocation of Roe v Wade, through blog posts, our own reflections, and interviews with our guests. We hope that Sexvangelicals can be a safe space to explore, grieve, rage, and process the implications of the presumed revocation. |
May 15, 2022 |
Episode 37: Five Things I Learned About
the Role of Bodies by Reading Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot with My Colleagues
01:14:02
In the introduction of Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot, author Mo Isom establishes the position that the church has been relatively silent about sexuality. Julia was out of town for this episode of Bedtime Stories, but Jeremiah’s colleagues Stephanie and Tina team up with him to refute this assertion. Warning: Jeremiah, Stephanie, and Tina only make it through the first three pages of Sex, Jesus, and the Conversations the Church Forgot; however, these first three pages say a lot about how Evangelical theology, philosophy, and social structures center their discourse around bodies. Jeremiah summarizes:
In this episode, Jeremiah, Stephanie, and Tina explore:
Stephanie, Tina, and Jeremiah are graduates of the South Shore Sexual Health Center’s training program in sex therapy; Stephanie and Jeremiah teach in this program. For more information about how to become an AASECT certified sex therapist, check out their website. |
May 08, 2022 |
Episode 36: How I Navigated Infertility and Pregnancy Loss While Practicing Sex Therapy, with Paula Leech
01:25:59
Mother’s Day is Sunday. Motherhood is an expected stage development for women, despite the growing number of women who voluntary (or involuntary) do not have children. Many of the stereotypical traits of femininity are aligned with the characteristics of mothers that we aspire to have and to be. (Interestingly, this is not as true for men, which we’ll explore next month.) Many women experience a lifelong craving to be moms, while others have an initial sense of ambivalence around having children that morphs into a desire and longing with age. However, this Mother’s Day, we’re especially mindful of the growing number of women (and men) for whom fertility is a fleeting process. Those who have physiological challenges, such as low follicle and sperm count and motility. Those who have experienced miscarriages. (We separately fit into each of these categories.) Or, as our guest, Paula Leech, those whose fertility issues are simply unexplainable. We talk about defining infertility, the consistent relationship with grief, and the impact of fertility on relationships, among other things. Paula concludes: “Having a greater recognition of how incredibly complex and painful infertility can be is so important. It’s not just about taking meds and injecting ourselves with needles. Acknowledging that it’s a transformational process for everyone involved. There’s no escaping bumping into grief when we talk about infertility.” |
May 01, 2022 |
Episode 35: How I Survived and am Healing From Conversion Therapy, with Jordon Miller
01:15:57
A few weeks ago, the BBC reported that conversion therapy, the development of formalized processes to attempt to change a person’s orientation or gender identity to the dominant discourse (cisgendered heterosexuality), has been officially banned in England and Wales. Except this ruling doesn’t apply for trans people. The British government continues to leave trans folks open to the dangers of conversion therapy. Let’s avoid the conversation about the transitioning process for children and adolescents, which involves legal implications around age of consent and when parents have rights to make decisions for their children, even when those decisions override the desires of their children. These conversations are extremely complicated and involve legal elements that are outside of our scopes of practice as therapists. At Sexvangelicals, we align with a comprehensive community of voices and professionals that condemns conversion therapy directed at all queer communities, including trans folks, in formalized and informalizes settings, including (but not limited to) the team at the Trevor Project, Kristine Stolakis, producer of the Netflix documentary Pray Away, which interviews queer people who have been subjected to conversion therapy, and the American Psychological Association’s Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender Concerns Office, which published a document that discusses the negative implications of conversation therapy. Conversion therapy uses a mixture of pseudoscience and guilt-directed communication strategies to reinforce a narrative that queerness is a mental health issue (interestingly, something that the APA only moved away from 40 years ago), and we are committed to having Sexvangelicals be a space where queer folks can share their stories of the damaging, long-lasting impacts of conversion therapy. In this episode, Jordon, fellow therapist and professional co-worker of Jeremiah’s, shares their experience of navigating conversion therapy connected within their Christian university. They talk with Jeremiah and Julia about:
We’re extremely thankful for the wisdom, vulnerability, and courage of Jordon, and are eager to share more stories from folks in the queer community. Let’s heal together! |
Apr 24, 2022 |
Episode 34: How to Tell if a Song is About Jesus or Your Boyfriend, with Jeremiah, Julia, and Nicole
42:50
Jesus or my Boyfriend? A question we all ask ourselves. Or, maybe not. In this episode, Jeremiah, Julia, and I (Nicole) play the guessing game, Jesus or my Boyfriend? Where Jeremiah and Julia tell me lyrics and I have to guess if it is a Christian worship song or a pop song. I grew up in a Romanian Eastern Orthodox Church, so I never had exposure to American worship music. Though some of the same themes still hold (i.e. the idea of being born a sinner, devoting yourself to God fully etc.), we didn’t have catchy ballads.
We explored what Christian messaging was in the worship songs, how one word is the only difference between a song about sex and a song about God, and how horny Christians might actually be. I mean, this music makes Jesus seem pretty horny. One of my biggest takeaways from this episode is how exposure to this worship music is actually really dangerous for children because messaging around servitude and devotion (especially for young girls) can be really damaging. Jesus Completes Us (17:00): When discussing In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel, Julia speaks on how the lyrics of this song could be interpreted as a worship song: “In your eyes the light, the heat, I am complete” is the lyric, and Julia says “We are not complete generally without Jesus” in the eyes of the Church. This song was a tough guess, but we all know there is no “heat” allowed in Church spaces, as Nicole mentions after. Musical Manipulation (21:00): After discussing the song “The More I Seek You” by Hillsong, Jeremiah explains a Discovery Channel documentary about Hillsong, which is essentially a factory for producing worship songs, and he says “lots of musical manipulation” (22:18) when talking about the kinds of worship songs Hillsong is pumping out. Jeremiah and Julia highly recommend watching the documentary Hillsong: A Megachurch Exposed. Jeremiah then notes how in the book “This is Your Brain on Music” the author discusses how pop singers use certain cord progressions to evoke specific emotions and how Hillsong is the master of this. Born Sinning (27:30): When talking about Nicole’s guess about if a song is Jesus or My Boyfriend, she explains what gave away the lyrics “I’ve done wrong and I want to suffer for my sins. I’ve come to you because I need guidance to be true” (Criminal by Fiona Apple) to be “my boyfriend” and not a worship song: “Christians would just be like I have sinned. I am not coming to you, I am disgusting I have sinned.” The distinction being made here is that in worship songs it is usually centering the fact that people are inherently sinners, while this song differs from that ideology by seeking help and framing it is a sin that happened not one that was born into people. Defined by Sin (31:00): Julia says “Christianity really likes to define you by your sins.” A big topic when discussing the songs chosen for this episode is the intentional wording choices for the lyrics in these songs. Just the difference between “I have sinned” and “I am a sinner” is a way to tell if a song is using creative choices or a worship song that wants to instill negative Christian ideology in its listeners. If you want some spoilers, here is the complete list of songs we analyzed in this episode: 1. Your Love is Extravagant -- Casting Crowns 2. Hallelujah -- Brenton Brown 3. In Your Eyes -- Peter Gabriel 4. The More I Seek You -- Hillsong 5. Only Hope -- Mandy Moore 6. All My Life -- KCi and Jojo (Jeremiah’s favorite song growing up) 7. Pour My Love on You -- Phillips, Craig, and Dean 8. Criminal -- Fiona Apple (One of my favorite songs ever) 9. In the Secret -- Chris Tomlin 10. Save Tonight -- Eagle Eye Cherry (A contender on Julia’s best songs of all time list) 11. I Surrender -- Hillsong 12. Toto -- Africa (Another contender on Julia’s best songs of all time list) 13. I Want It That Way -- N'Sync (Objectively the best song of all time [that’s just my opinion) |
Apr 03, 2022 |
Episode 33: How Complementarianism Can Be a Harmful Process for Your Relationship, through the lens of The Mingling of Souls by Matt Chandler, as read by Jeremiah and Julia
01:11:22
Complementarianism, the idea that men and women inherently have distinct, specific roles in marriages and families, is a theory that permeates contemporary Evangelical Christian and Catholic thought about relationships. Typically, complementarianism exists as a quid pro quo: women are expected to take care of the inside of the house, and men are expected to oversee the outside of the house, for example. Women care for, men provide. There’s some inherent, biological truth to complementarianism. Men, lacking uteri, can never house and develop an embryo. If a couple chooses to breastfeed their child, the mother is going to be the breastfeeder (although even that notion is being challenged by new technological designs.) Complementarianism can be a very effective way to operate a relationship; if two different things need to be tended to, it makes sense to have the person whose skill set best matches item A to address that specific task, and vice versa. However, the Evangelical version of complementarianism relies on aligning with specific gender roles. It justifies specific gender roles for men and women through a yin-yang perspective of the world. The “submissiveness” and “gentleness” of a woman plays off their male partner’s expected “dominance” and “assertiveness” to create a holistic balance of power. But let’s say that the female partner is the more “dominant” partner. Then what? We take a deeper look into the world of complementarianism through one of its contemporary disciples, Matt Chandler, pastor of The Village Church, who uses it as his main theory for his dating and relationship manual, The Mingling of Souls: God’s Design for Love, Marriage, Sex, and Redemption. In our most recent episode of Bedtime Stories, we explore how Chandler uses complementarianism to establish expectations for healthy relationships and communication in the following ways:
Julia closes: “If we recognize that gender is a diverse type of living and expressing in the world and other murky areas of life, we are less likely able to say good/bad. In the liberal world, we avoid self reflection by virtue signaling, cancel culturing, or throwing out some phrase that’s trending on Twitter. Complementarianism is a conservative way to avoid self-reflection by having rigid categories about gender, sexuality, or financial stability; if you fall into the right or wrong side of these terms, you are either good or bad.” |
Mar 27, 2022 |
Episode 32: Five Ways to Have a Successful Relationship During the Pandemic
58:22
March 11, 2020, the World Health Organization published the following statement:
Two years later, following the deaths of at least one million American citizens to COVID-19 (or COVID-19 sparked illness), our world has experience the disruption of family routines and systems, the gouging of energy from an education system (children, teachers, parents) who have seen the development of children stall, a reorganization of the workforce, and a significant increase in the demand for mental health services. Jeremiah summarizes: “The last two years has been this 24-month long experiment that we’ve all been involved with, including scientists, where we’re trying to figure out how to make decisions when our relationships with time and space are becoming restricted. We are all winging COVID, including the therapists who are supporting you.” We discovered the article “Initial Impacts of COVID-19 on Sex Life and Relationship Quality in Steady Relationships in Britain: Findings from a Large, Quasi-Representative Survey” in February’s Journal of Sex Research. To our knowledge, this is the most expansive study about the impact of the pandemic on sexuality and relationships, with data from over 4,000 people. (On the podcast, we said it was 6,654, which was the number of folks who completed the survey. We neglected to say that 4,271 were in committed relationships.) For more information about this survey, please check out the Natsal-COVID survey webpage. Interestingly, over half of the respondents said their relationship quality stayed the same; 18% of people said the relationship got worse, while 27% said their relationship improved during the pandemic. While each person was impacted by a myriad of variables, such as socioeconomic class, financial status, and engagement with COVID-19 itself, the authors noted three major categories of folks who were more likely to struggle:
We add to this research with our own professional and personal experiences and name five themes of successful relationships during the pandemic (30:00):
Please share with us how you’ve noticed your relationship changing, struggling, and improving during the pandemic. (Our guess is that most folks have experienced a bit of all three.) Let’s heal together! |
Mar 20, 2022 |
Episode 31: How to Maintain a Sexual Connection While Recovering from a Surgery, with Jeremiah and Julia
41:28
Julia had oral surgery last week, which resulted in a series of minor inconveniences—stitches in one’s mouth are never comfortable, and make kissing extremely difficult—and major life reflections, such as the impact of sexual assault on dental work, something that Jennifer Wiessner reminded us about in a season 1 episode. Julia summarizes, “I have struggled to move out of a narrative that I am a less desire person if I can’t engage in particular sexual activities.” She and Jeremiah reflect on some of the impact of surgeries (and aging, as all bodies age) on bodies and sexuality, discussing:
Julia is fortunately on the mend, but this will by no means by the last time that something that happens to our bodies (aging, surgeries, etc.) will impact our sexuality and move us into the creative process of adaptation. Please share with us your own stories of pain, loss, and adaptations! Let’s heal together! |
Mar 13, 2022 |
Episode 30: How the Pressure to Be a Good Girl
Limits Great Sex: A Discussion of The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Gregoire,
as read by Jeremiah, Julia, and Devin
51:38
In 2012, a few months before getting married, I (Julia) received the book The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex (by Sheila Wray Gregoire) at a bridal shower. This was one of many books about “Christian sex” that well-meaning fellow Christian women gave me while engaged. Rather than having honest dialogue about sexuality in Christian communities, we pass each other books that tell us why we aren’t having the mindblowing sex that purity culture promised us, and somehow our devastating sexual experiences are simultaneously all of our fault and not our fault at the same time. These books tend to create a false dichotomy between “good girls” and “bad girls”, suggesting that sex outside of the rigid contexts of heterosexual marriage is bad, and that girls (though not guys) who engage in these types of sexuality are inherently bad. Good girls don’t have sex outside of marriage. Good girls don’t wear clothing that reveals sexualized parts of their bodies. Good girls don’t masturbate. Et cetera. The good girl narrative has trapped many women in a double bind whenever they move into a communally sanctioned platform for sexuality (read: marriage), because we’re expected to live up to the patriarchal sanctioned fantasy of a sexual woman after being sexually repressed by an entire community up until the moment you say “I do” at the altar. Jeremiah and I are joined by our friend Devin for our third installation of Bedtime Stories. We read through the introduction of The Good Girls Guide to Great Sex, where we discuss:
An enormous thanks to Devin for being a part of Bedtime Stories. If there are Christian books that shaped, and later harmed, your sexual experiences, please let us know what books you’d like us to read on future editions of Bedtime Stories! Let’s heal together! |
Mar 06, 2022 |
Episode 29: How to Overcome the Scars of Purity Culture in a Marriage That Started in Purity Culture, with Devin Ritenhower
01:05:57
Jeremiah and Julia both went to Christian Colleges, which promoted sexual purity. These ideas are pushed onto people when they are young, reinforcing throughout their lives that sex is bad, to put it in the simplest terms. Women are the most punished victims because though purity culture deeply hurts and traumatizes men, women are acting within the confines of Christianity and the patriarchy (and those two tend to go hand in hand). Personally, I (Nicole) find the purity culture extends past the Church, displaying the profound impact that Christian ideology around sex and sexuality has had on our world as a whole. So, when hearing how intensely damaging and dangerous the messaging around sex is in Christian contexts it hard not to think about my own experiences with the virginity construct and shame around the oh-so-scary pill (birth control). Purity culture is rooted in guilt, built to promote silence and shame at every corner. The ideology is ingrained: if you have sex before marriage you will go to hell, and possibly even worse if someone finds out you will be shamed indefinitely. It takes a certain kind of bravery to break out of the confines of this ideology, and Devin Ritenhower has this bravery. Devin Ritenour graduated from Messiah University (formerly Messiah College) with a degree in biblical and religious studies. After leaving the Church she went on to pursue a career in the mental health field and has been working in a residential rehabilitation program for people with significant mental health diagnoses and substance abuse for the last four years. She’s currently a Masters's student at a southern New Hampshire University studying to be a psychotherapist and is expected to graduate this spring. You can find her on Instagram @earthtodevin to enjoy some wonderfully lovely cat photos. Devin talks with Jeremiah and Julia about:
We hope that you’re encouraged by Devin’s story, and we’d love to hear from you as well! Follow us on IG at @sexvangelicals! Let’s heal together! |
Feb 28, 2022 |
Episode 28: How to Build Sexual Confidence, with Rachel Maine
53:57
In therapy, we talk about Prochaska’s stages of change model. Most of the folks that we work with around sexuality, particularly those who have a religious background, start in either the precontemplative or contemplative stages of change. Not because they don’t want to be further down the road, but because the systems they grew up in (read: most church communities) place limitations around sexuality, such as “no sex before marriage” or “no sex with someone of the same sex/gender, keep folks in these early stages. The preparation and action stages of change are only reserved for people who are married, and even then, healthy sexuality often takes years of development, overcoming anxiety, and unlearning unhelpful messages around bodies and sex. If you’re single or queer, many religious circles expect you to stay in the precontemplative/contemplative stages of change, meaning coming out as a sexual person (queer or otherwise) has to happen outside of the church walls. Sexvangelicals is a podcast that tells the stories of folks who start at a precontemplative stage about sexuality, either because of a neutral/negative view of sexuality, i.e. a lack of sex education, or a negative or restrictive view of sexuality, such as purity culture, and follows them along the stage of change journey. Some folks operate explicitly in the action/maintenance phase, while other folks have parts of them that are in the contemplative or preparation stage. Wherever you are on this journey, this podcast is for you! On this episode, we take a sneak peek into the action stage of change with our friend Rachel Maine, host of the podcast Owning Your Sexual Self. Rachel’s journey started over 9 years ago after a break up that forced her to start choosing herself. This journey lead her to start a business involving sexual education which lead to going back to school for a certificate in sex therapy and sexuality education. In a nutshell, Rachel helps women and couples discover their sexual desires and create intimate, adventurous connections with their partners. She runs a business with Pure Romance and is the CEO of her online sex coaching business. Rachel talks with us about:
Wherever you are on your sexual journey, we hope this episode is informative and inspiring! Let’s heal together! |
Feb 21, 2022 |
Episode 27: How Would a Relationship Between Leslie Knope and Chris Traeger Have Worked, with Jeremiah and Julia
26:34
What are your favorite TV characters who never dated during the tenure of said television show? We are big Parks and Rec fans, and while we love the structure of the relationships on the show, we’ve wondered if the producers missed out on exploring a key, funny relationship: What if Chris Traeger and Leslie Knope dated at some point during the series? So, on Valentine’s Day 2022, we write some fan fiction and dream about what their relationship might be like. And we didn’t have to look too far for inspiration, considering Julia’s male TV alter ego is Chris Traeger (between the running, high energy, and incredible positivity) and Jeremiah’s female TV alter ego is Leslie Knope (with the dedication to civil service, drivenness, and organization). Valentine’s Day is rife with unrealistic expectations about relationships; in fact, our initial plan for this episode was to watch a chick flick and deconstruct the toxic, pressure-packed expectations on gender and sexuality, and the unhealthy dynamics these can create. But we discovered something more beautiful during this episode; our own relationship, despite our conflict and differences, has a ton of beauty and strengths. At the end of a hard day, we gave ourselves the space to brag on ourselves and the ways that we both speak our minds, apologize when we do it in a disrespectful way, and always come back together. To be honest, Chris and Leslie would probably be exhausting after a few episodes; our own tendencies toward introversion prevent the more manic parts of ourselves from becoming too overbearing for the other person. However, like us, their kindness, desire to hold themselves accountable, and shared vision for life would definitely have made them quite the power couple. Unlike Chris and Leslie, we’re glad that we have the opportunity to live this fan fiction out in our own lives! Happy Valentine’s Day! Let’s heal together! |
Feb 13, 2022 |
Episode 26: How to Deconstruct from Evangelical Christianity as a Couple, with Erin Baldwin Day
01:05:32
We both went to conservative Christian colleges that had a moderate/high level of commitment to Evangelical sexual values, namely in the exultation of traditional gender roles and the condemnation of sexual activity before marriage. As we’ve moved out of religious spaces, primarily through the vehicle of the sexual health community, we’ve lost a lot friendships and relationships along the way. To quote Jesus, “A prophet is not welcome in their own home.” Some have doubled down on their complementary views of gender and sexuality. Others proclaim to be human rights advocates, but resume their anxiety and judgmentality when dialogue shifts to sexual health; the pain from these experiences and losses is often much more severe. I (Jeremiah) sometimes avoid seeking relationships with folks from previous systems because I don’t want to be let down. (I recognize this is a growth area.) Every now and then, you find someone who you realize is on a really similar pathway as you. In our case, someone who’s committed to self-reflection, living through the grief and losses that happen when you grow up in a repressive system , and reconstructing more open, affirming systems for present and future generations. Erin Baldwin Day is one of those people. Erin is a social entrepreneur, agitator for change, and full-hearted follower in the subversive Way of Jesus who lives, works, and plays on the unceded ancestral lands of the Dena'ina Elnena people in Anchorage, Alaska. She currently serves as lead organizer with Mutual Aid Network of Anchorage (MANA) and is discerning her next steps as a Licensed Local Pastor in the United Methodist tradition. She is presently launching The Spacious Table, a faith community for spiritual refugees, radicals, and misfits of all stripes. You can find her written work at erinbaldwinday.substack.com. Erin has the unique experience of growing up both in the Church of Christ, which, as I say in the episode, “was silent about sexuality, but ran its mouth about gender roles”, and in non-denominational churches that were committed to purity culture values. She shares her experiences navigating and, eventually, extricating herself from these systems:
This may be my favorite Sexvangelicals episode, because it speaks to the blend of immense grief, intense bravery, and overwhelming joy that folks who explore sexuality when coming out of a repressive culture (i.e. Evangelical Christianity) experience, often at the same time. If you are one of these people, I’m excited to continue healing with you! |
Feb 06, 2022 |
Episode 25: How to Thrive in Your Relationship During a Breast Cancer Diagnosis, with Marloe Esch
01:10:44
An estimated 290,000 people, including 2500 men, are expected to be diagnosed with breast cancer in 2022. We are thrilled to have Marloe Esch, oncology nurse and breast cancer survivor, join us to talk about the impact of cancer on bodies and sexuality. She describes the importance of building health relationships, and explores the connection between a cancer diagnosis and spirituality. |
Jan 30, 2022 |
Episode 24: How Jewish Religious Rituals
Help Create Sex Positivity,
with Caleb Jacobson
57:38
Anti-Semitism erases Jewish culture by making our conversations about Judaism really about their oppressors. What does Judaism actually say about sexuality and our bodies? Dr. Christopher Jones, noted sexuality and Biblical researcher, describes to us the Hebrew principles of tikkun olan (repairing the world) and pikauch nefesh (save a life) with sexuality. We also about how Christianity merged with Roman thought, rather than Jewish thought, for its sexual ethic, and the Menstrubation Initiative. |
Jan 17, 2022 |
Episode 23: How Christian Literature Reinforces Misogyny and Misandry, Which We Rediscover by Reading Sheet Music by Kevin Leman
01:47:35
When Jeremiah and Julia were counseled prior to their previous marriages, they were encouraged to read Sheet Music by Dr. Kevin Leman. A decade later, they return to his writing in their segment, Bedtime Stories. They explore two common themes. 1) The impact of "two becoming one" and the responsibility for your partner's pleasure, including the negative implications out using sex toys and masturbating. 2) Egregious gender stereotypes that reinforce women as asexual and men as dangerous and impulsive. |
Jan 09, 2022 |
Episode 22: How Christmas Movies Represent the Worst of the Gender Binary, with Jeremiah and Julia
49:02
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Dec 28, 2021 |
Episode 21: How We Are Rethinking Sexuality After Reading Juli Slattery’s Rethinking Sexuality
01:11:35
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Dec 06, 2021 |
Episode 20: How to Navigate Burnout, with Jeremiah, Julia, and Nicole
56:29
We are both mental health practitioners, and our businesses have been taking off due to an increase of demand for therapy as folks navigate the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic on their lives and relationships. We took a six week sabbatical this summer to create some healing, but still found ourselves burnt out and hanging on for dear life. We deeply believe in the project of Sexvangelicals; we know that our platform and the ways that we provide space for folks to share their experiences of sexuality, bodies, and organized religion have the capacity to change the world. In the face of burnout, we decided to hire a podcast editor. Listen to more of the ways that we're attempting to navigate burnout. |
Nov 28, 2021 |
Episode 19: How Couples Can Effectively Collaborate Around Sexual Evolution, with Bernie Newton and Chris Copeland
01:24:37
Over the past decade, we’ve been honored to hear numerous queer folks describing their individual challenges of exploring sexuality and celebrating their orientation in religious contexts. We are thrilled to have Bernie and Chris share their relational story in this podcast episode. They discuss the null curriculum of sex education in the church, how churches encourage queer identities without encouraging being full sexual people, and how couples can collaborate around sexual evolution. Let's heal together! |
Jun 16, 2021 |
Episode 18: How Purity Culture is Uniquely Damaging to Teens and Young Adults, with Linda Kay Klein
01:04:04
Linda Kay Klein, author of the 2018 book Pure, has created numerous spaces to bring folks together to share their stories about repression, bravery, and ultimately freedom. We talk with Linda about ways that purity culture is both appealing and damaging to teens, the grief and anger that accompanied Linda's writing process, the impact of motherhood on sexuality, and some of the challenges and confusion in finding freedom. |
May 10, 2021 |
Episode 17: How to Stay Connected with Your Partner During the Pandemic, with Jeremiah and Julia
01:05:03
Regardless of your story, the pandemic has been especially brutal on bodies and relationships. From their perspectives as couples and sex therapists, Julia and Jeremiah discuss the impact of COVID-19 on relational and sexual health. |
Apr 28, 2021 |
Episode 16: How to Think Critically About Sexuality, with Joe Winn
01:24:06
Growing up as a queer person in a Sicilian Catholic neighborhood in East Boston, Joe talks about how his family’s immigration story from Ireland, observing the queer community’s response to the rigid gender norms of the 80s, and burying over fifty friends in the AIDS crisis, has allowed him to invite critical thought into his work as a sex therapist, by using humor as a powerful tool in the healing process, studying social work and the impact on his own sexual development, and the importance of giving ourselves permission to be sexual people. |
Apr 07, 2021 |
Episode 15: How Understanding How Women Crave Diversity in Sexual Experiences Can Improve Your Relationship, with Wednesday Martin
01:24:02
When we’ve interviewed women to describe their sexual journeys in the first dozen episodes of Sexvangelicals, many of our guests have talked about how they learned to censor their bodies and navigate the double standards of female sexuality (be sexy, but not too sexy, for example), centered around the word “Don’t”. The past 50 years has provided more conversation about female sexuality; however, even “progressive fields” (read: sex therapy) have couched descriptions of female sexuality around two flawed assumptions within sociological and sexological research. Dr. Wednesday Martin, author of Untrue: Why Nearly Everything We Believe About Women, Lust, and Infidelity Is Wrong and How the New Science Can Set Us Free , identifies these “sacred cows” as (15:00):
“We built an entire civilization around the idea that women are less sexual,” Wednesday explains.Dr. Wednesday Martin is a social scientist, storyteller, and #1 NYT bestselling author. For the last 6+ years, she has studied the newest data on female sexuality, with a focus on female non-monogamy across cultures and species. Her book Untrue has been called “revolutionary” by The Atlantic and “indispensable” by Kirkus reviews. Wednesday writes, in her aptly named introduction, “Meet the Adultress”:
Wednesday talks with Julia and Jeremiah about her interdisciplinary approach to studying female sexual desire, autonomy, and the practice of nonmonogamy across cultures and species, including:
Wednesday summarizes her position: “It is way beyond time that we stopped using loaded terms to describe a simple fact: Nonmonogamy is a normal, healthy part of the repertoire of females of many species, including female humans. It’s very important that we open the door to that conversation.” Check out Wednesday’s website, which includes her other books, professional articles, and two Amazon Original Stories, and her fantastic Instagram page. An enormous thanks to Wednesday for taking the time to share her story and wisdom with us. Let’s heal together! |
Mar 01, 2021 |
Episode 14: How to Raise Sexually Health Children, with Jennifer Wiessner
01:07:14
Jennifer Wiessner, the first certified sex therapist in Maine, joins Jeremiah and Julia to talk about two sex education programs, Raising Sexually Healthy Children and Girls on Fire, designed to create healthy dialogue between parents and children. They discuss the importance of sex therapists doing their own therapeutic work, the PLISSIT model (a sex therapy staple), and the limitations of men seeking female sex therapists. They also laugh about obsessions with Maine, grocery shopping, and Jane Austen. |
Feb 22, 2021 |
Episode 13: How the Sexual Expectations of the Mormon Church Create Sexual Anxiety, with Lauren Drean
01:32:43
In this episode, Lauren shares her history within the Mormon Church—she actually gives a great summary of the structures of the Mormon Church around the 8:30 mark of the epsiode. She then describes the ways that her faith is continuing to evolve as she trains and practices as a sex therapist. You will hear in her voice and her stories how complicated her relationship is with religion and sexuality. We appreciate her vulnerability, wisdom, authenticity, and humor as she struggles with these concepts. |
Feb 16, 2021 |
Episode 12: How Purity Culture Ignites the Shame Cycle, and How to Move Out of Shame, with Julia
01:25:10
Two of the significant structures in Julia's life that “prepared” her for marriage and her career were the Christian church and the mental health field. Surprisingly, the church and the mental health field share some shocking similarities, including the ways that they set her up to “fail” and then shamed her for it. Julia and Jeremiah talk about the shame cycle of purity culture, the limitations of "the two shall become one", and how the mental health field reinforces poor relational patterns, among others. |
Feb 03, 2021 |
Episode 11: How Black Churches Can Have More Effective Sexual Health Conversations, with Deesha Philyaw
01:36:02
"There's no nuance, no subtlety in the ways that we talk about sex. That's what creates secrecy and people being harmed," explains Deesha Philyaw, author of the 2020 National Book Award Finalist The Secret Lives of Church Ladies. Deesha discusses how Black women can explore empowered sexuality, how fiction writing gives audiences a unique access to sexual exploration, ways that the Black church can better advocate for Black women, and personal reflections about The Secret Lives with Jeremiah and Julia. |
Jan 18, 2021 |
Episode 10: How Purity Culture Impacts Sibling Relationships, with Jeremiah and His Sister, Juliana
01:09:15
Jeremiah followed the expectations of Christianity well into his mid-30s. His sister? Not so much. Juliana talks about how stepping away from Christianity as a child contributed led to criticism and guilt-trips from parents dedicated an Evangelical worldview, shame around her body, queerness, and fashion decisions, and a rupture in the sibling relationship. Poignant, blunt, and extremely brave, Juliana shines a light on the relationships Evangelicalism builds with folks who don't follow their expectations. |
Jan 14, 2021 |
Episode 9: How Theologians Can Become Sexual Health Professionals, with Reverend Beverly Dale
01:02:36
Reverend Beverly Dale, founder of the Incarnation Institute for Sex and Faith and the co-author of Advancing Sexual Health for the Christian Client: Data and Dogma, joins Jeremiah and Julia to talk about the importance of building relationships between theologians and sexual health professionals. Dale describes her journey of exploring her sexuality and identity, and her vision for creating healing for Christian folks through identifying dogmatic processes and reclaiming sexual pleasure. |
Jan 05, 2021 |
Episode 8: How Purity Culture Creates Unrealistic Expectations for Marriages, with Jeremiah Gibson
01:24:20
"Marriage is a rite of passage into adulthood," explains Jeremiah. Conservative Christianity puts additional pressure on early marriage, as straight marriage is the only permissible setting for sexual expression. While Jeremiah was in a 10-year marriage, he explains that the relationship was set up to fail from the very beginning due to sexual repression and the ensuing cycle of shame and anxiety around sexuality. A post-mortem to a significant part of his adulthood, Jeremiah grieves the parts of himself that he lost in an attempt to fulfill both the church's standards of successful adulthood: rigid expectations of masculinity, and the longevity of a marriage. |
Dec 17, 2020 |
Episode 7: How the Demonization of Affairs in the Church Prevents People
from Talking About Affairs and Sexuality
in the Church, with Jeremiah and Julia
01:11:54
A follow-up to episode 6, Julia and Jeremiah talk about the time that they blew up their lives...by having an affair. Yikes. On the one hand, Christian culture demonizes infidelity as the worst thing one can do. On the other hand, movies (read: chick flicks) tend to dismiss or glamorize affairs. Even though their story may read like a Nora Ephron screenplay, Julia and Jeremiah address the strange combination of anxiety, isolation, joy, and shame connected with the beginning of their relationship. |
Dec 07, 2020 |
Episode 6: How Purity Culture Encourages Infidelity, with Jeremiah and Julia
53:01
Julia and Jeremiah talk about what many couples and sex therapists tend to avoid: infidelity. Oof. They describe their own relationship to identify common themes that are a part of infidelity: avoidance, secrecy, and a lack of accountability. As Julia says, "If we don't humanize infidelity, we risk reinforcing the patterns that contribute to infidelity while adding shame to a person's experience." Shame prevents relationships from flourishing by neglecting the necessity of self-reflection from all partners. |
Dec 07, 2020 |
Episode 5: How I Lost and Am Rediscovering Sexuality, with Julia Postema
01:15:31
Julia is shocked when she attends her religious college, meets a Christian Democrat, and engages in dialogue around race and sexuality for the first time. During her time in the social work department, Julia both lost and regained a sense of faith, despite leaving institutionalized reigion. While her education laid a foundation for sexual growth and development, she was not given tools to reflect on her own sexuality until starting sex therapy at 25. Julia shares her experiences of grief, loss, and healing. |
Nov 21, 2020 |
Episode 4: How Adoption Impacts My Sexuality, with Jeremiah Gibson
01:12:33
We cannot talk about sex without talking about race. Jeremiah shares his experience as a person of color adopted by a White family. He grew up in White spaces, including, but not limited to gifted and talented programs and churches, and at an early age, he learned to assimilate to White standards. Performing Whiteness allowed Jeremiah to succeed academically and professionally. As he engages in sexual growth, he describes parts of himself that were co-opted and lost, and now rediscovered. |
Nov 19, 2020 |
Episode 3: How My Enmeshed Christian Communities Impacted My Relationship with My Body, with Julia Postema
01:00:34
Purity culture. Ugh. Where do we even begin? Julia describes her experiences growing up in an insular fundamentalist Christian community, consisting of her church, her Christian school, and her church camp. If it sounds a bit cultish...it was. Julia also discusses how sexual repression was steeped in a legalistic, perfectionistic culture of anxiety. She talks about her experiences with obsessive behaviors, an eating disorder, vaginismus/vulvodynia, and so much more. Joy! |
Nov 18, 2020 |
Episode 2: Five Things I Learned About Masculinity Because of Fundamentalist Religion, with Jeremiah Gibson
56:31
Jeremiah talks with Julia about what it was like to grow up in conservative Christianity and the impact on his views on sex, gender, and sexuality. Spoiler alert: Jeremiah may or may not have led a Bible study at the wise age of 7. Our in-depth conversation includes the role of masculinity in Evangelicalism, the ways that legalism prevents growth and curiosity, and the anxieties that develop around sexuality as a result of these rigid expectations. |
Nov 18, 2020 |
Episode 1: How We Can Heal Together From the Sex Negativity of Purity Culture, with Jeremiah Gibson and Julia Postema
51:16
Welcome to Sexvangelicals, hosted by sex therapists Julia Postema and Jeremiah Gibson. In the last 50 years, the Christian church has informed our views and practices of sex and sexuality in a number of ways. In the pilot episode, Julia and Jeremiah explore the following: What is sex? What is the role of our bodies? What happens in sex therapy? Join us as we discuss these and other challenging questions. We promise hard, difficult conversations mixed with a lot of laughter and joy. Let's heal together! |
Nov 16, 2020 |