Your Kick Ass Life Podcast

By Andrea Owen

Listen to a podcast, please open Podcast Republic app. Available on Google Play Store.


Category: Self-Help

Open in iTunes


Open RSS feed


Open Website


Rate for this podcast

Subscribers: 65
Reviews: 0

Description

Join Andrea Owen, life coach and author, as she serves up self help in a easy-to-digest way that is also practical and implementable. Andrea brings you guests as well as solo episodes on topics such as perfectionism, the inner-critic, courage, and more.

Episode Date
The Courage Habit with Kate Courageous
46:16

To finish up the summer archived episodes run, I bring to you my conversation with Kate Courageous. This episode originally aired in May of last year - but the content is very much still applicable today! If you already heard it, it is worth listening to again. Kate is a dear friend of mine, as well, and I am thrilled that I can share this episode with you again, as it includes her thoughts on fear, courage, and the inner-critic.  

Kate is also the author of The Courage Habit: How to Accept Your Fears, Release the Past, and Live Your Courageous Life.  I am so happy her book is available! Today, we cover the brain science behind courage habits, and identifying and then dealing with habits that are holding you back.  

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Four fear patterns that get people stuck 
  • Some ways we try to deal with fear 
  • The more you go into the things you fear, the wider your comfort zone becomes 
  • Reaching out and creating a community, courage-based values, and being vulnerable 
  • Fear is a wound and needs understanding and how to strike a balance with fear 

http://yourkickasslife.com/294

 

Aug 14, 2019
Managing Your Inner Mean Girl with Amy Ahlers
50:13

We are back this week with another archived episode that is from a long time ago. In it, my friend and associate Amy Ahlers, author of, Big Fat Lies Women Tell Themselves and Reform Your Inner Mean Girl, talks about all things inner mean girl (aka inner critic)! 

Since the original airing of this episode, I have really gotten to know Amy. She has so much experience and tenure in the personal development industry, this woman knows her stuff, so I am happy to re-share this episode with you. 

We all love formulas and processes, right? Well, Amy has come up with a 3-step process for transforming your inner mean girl, which she talks about in the episode. 

In this episode, you’ll also hear:

  • What exactly is inner-wisdom and what to do if we don’t know where to start when it comes to listening to it. 
  • I ask Amy what is the most common big fat lie women tell themselves. (The answer doesn’t surprise me at all!) 
  • Amy tells us what her biggest trigger is and what are the steps she actually takes to manage her own inner mean girl.
  • I ask Amy about a blog post she wrote, “Is Your Need to Belong Sabotaging You?” and what do we do when we find ourselves changing who we are just to fit in and belong

I love that Amy and I have so much of a similar philosophy about the inner-critic and I hope this episode is helpful to you! 

http://yourkickasslife.com/293

 

Aug 07, 2019
Managing the Motherload with Rebekah Borucki
38:53

Hey Ass Kickers! I hope you are having a happy summer. This week on the podcast, Rebekah “Bex” Borucki is back! For those of you who are new to Rebekah, she is a mother of five, TV host, a meditation and yoga guide, and, a birth Doula. She is also the author of two books, You Have 4 Minutes to Change Your Life and her newest book, Managing the Motherload.  

Rebekah’s mission is to make mental health support and stress management tools accessible to all, especially black and indigenous people of Color, LGBTQ plus folks and other marginalized communities. And I am super pumped to bring my conversation with Rebekah to you today. 

We discuss her new book, including some of the lessons she’s learned over the years from being a mother. But let’s be clear, before you check out of this episode, Rebekah states both in her book and in this episode, Managing the Motherload is not a parenting book. So if you aren’t a parent, today’s episode still applies to you. We discuss topics related to being a parent, but the same topics can be applied to supporting, caring and understanding anyone in your life. For instance, we discuss being a parent of a child that comes out as transgender and unrelated, why bragging can be important for your self-esteem. 

Be sure to tune in until the end to hear how you can enter to win a copy of Rebekah’s book! 

In this episode, you’ll hear:

  • The whole idea behind her Rebekah, Managing the Motherload (8:14)
  • How Rebekah has changed as a mother over the years (12:10)
  • Understanding what really matters and what doesn’t (14:46)
  • We talk about what Rebekah means when she says, “She was a mother before being a woman.” (14:58)
  • The story of Rebekah’s son coming out as a transgender male and some advice from Rebekah for supporting your child who comes out (20:06)
  • Bragging: why it’s important to do so and the best way to brag (31:35)

http://yourkickasslife.com/292

 

Jul 31, 2019
Shame Shields and Making a Scene, with Susan Hyatt
42:47

This week I am sharing an archived episode, because ALL of us, including me, need to take a break every now and again. And I vowed to do just that this July. Today, I welcome you to listen to an oldie but goodie, my conversation with long-time friend, master certified life coach and as of this year, my coach, Susan Hyatt! Susan has been coaching for well over a decade and has thousands of fans, including Dr. Martha Beck and Maria Shriver! 

One of the things that has won her many fans is the fact that this woman walks her talk. She’s used coaching techniques to drop 35 pounds, revitalize her marriage and uplevel her career.

We discuss a mishmash of topics including why body issues are holding women back from leading big lives, what we can do right now to make peace with our bodies, and why it’s so important to take big risks!

In this episode, you’ll also hear:

  • Pay gap, not thigh gap: why body concerns are distracting us from our real work.
  • Why you’ll only reap big rewards if you risk something.
  • What's the #1 way to be successful in career and relationships?
  • What does Susan mean when she says “make a scene”?
  • What are the three shame shields?
  • What is the antidote to shame?
  • What's the one thing comes up over and over that stops us from playing big?
  • If you want the best worthiness workshop what should you do?

Susan and I also touch on the necessity of feeling your feelings, even when it’s vulnerable and painful to do so and how to make a scene in your life. The subjects are deep, powerful and real but you’ll laugh along with us too. Enjoy!

http://yourkickasslife.com/291

 

Jul 24, 2019
YKAL Coaching Sessions: Self-Worth and Money Issues, Part 2 with Melanie
38:21

This week we are back with part two of my coaching session around money with Melanie. The last time we left Melanie, she was going to be diving into some big work around money stories, core beliefs and self-worth. Today we are jumping right back into some big topics around money such as resentment, healing from the patriarchy, and getting to the bottom of unwanted identities. If you missed the first part of our conversation, you definitely want to listen to before checking out today’s episode. 

In this session, Melanie shares how she has been doing with some of the personal development homework assignments I gave her, including what has been working and what she has been resisting (and why). Oh and hey, I would love to know if you are liking these coaching episodes. It’s important for me to know which kind of episodes you love (or don’t), so I can continue to bring you the content you enjoy most! Thank you for joining us for this conclusion of Melanie’s coaching session on self-worth and money issues. 

In this episode, you’ll hear:

  • Melanie shares how the personal development homework went including some resistance she was experiencing (5:06)
  • Dispelling what journaling actually needs to be (5:59)
  • Recognizing comparison issues with others when it comes to money (7:54)
  • Shame as it relates to economic class, plus getting to the bottom of unwanted identities (14:02)
  • Breaking down the belief that women need to be saved when it comes to money (14:46)
  • There’s no such thing as consistency and that’s okay (22:28)
  • Melanie’s hope for the future when it comes to working through issues around self-worth and money (32:10)

http://yourkickasslife.com/290

 

Jul 17, 2019
YKAL Coaching Sessions: Self-Worth and Money Issues with Melanie
41:17

Hi Ass Kickers! We have another YKAL Coaching session episode this week. We received a lot of great feedback last month when I coached Rachel on the show. I am excited to be back again, this time with a two-part coaching episode featuring Melanie. 

If you can walk away from this culture without having any hangups around money, sex, or body image, you’re a-okay. But that’s the trifecta of women’s issues and most of us are feeling “meh”, or at least trying to do the work to resolve these issues. Such is the case with this week’s client, Melanie; a dog mom, working in the dental industry in Colorado. 

During today’s session, she opens up about some issues she has been having around money, including managing money, self-worth, and her core beliefs about what it means to be wealthy. I am so appreciative of women like Melanie for coming on the podcast and sharing their lives with us. At the end of the day, we are having conversations around the big topics that are hard for all of us. So, thank you, Melanie, for sharing and thank you, ass kickers, for listening.  

In this episode, you’ll hear:

  • Uncovering Melanie’s issues around money (4:40)
  • The role gender plays for Melanie when it comes to money (5:59)
  • How and why self-worth is so tied up with our beliefs about money (6:41)
  • The stories we make up about money and an exercise to help identify when you are making up a story (10:24)

http://yourkickasslife.com/289

 

Jul 10, 2019
This Messy and Beautiful Life with Danny-J
56:29

This week on the podcast I welcome, Danny-J, an award-winning entrepreneur, keynote speaker, podcast host and storyteller. Danny-J's work can be heard in her weekly show, The Best Life Podcast and can be followed in real time on all the social media platforms. She uses her real "Jerry Springer Life" stories to engage with her audience, teach life lessons and inspire others to rewrite their stories. And y’all, just wait until you hear some of her stories in this episode!  

Danny-J shares her story of teen pregnancy and the decision to place her daughter for adoption, plus she details how she learned she had a biological father and met him many years later as an adult. It is so refreshing to hear honest and open stories of those in the personal development field.  Danny-J shares how she processed everything and made it through to the other side. Plus, we talk about core beliefs and letting go of the ones that no longer serve you, changing negative self-talk and affirmations (are they actually bullshit or not?). Danny-J is totally, “my people” and I am excited to share our conversation with you today. 

In this episode, you’ll hear:

  • Danny-J’s teen pregnancy, the decision to place her child for adoption and reuniting with her many years later (7:13)
  • Knowing when it’s time to rewrite your story and some steps to take to get there (20:04)
  • Affirmations: are they really bullshit and how you may be able to use them, but don’t work by themselves (24:56)
  • Finding the tools that work for you when life gets really messy (31:07)
  • Danny-J’s story of finding out she had biological father, meeting him years later and how it has affected her life, her  identity piece and the world around her (38:14)

http://yourkickasslife.com/288

 

Jul 03, 2019
How to change other people (hint: you can’t)
29:31

Today’s podcast episode comes from a podcast listener. She asks: 

I am wondering if you have any strategies for how to help move people to a place of readiness to change?

I have been doing a lot of work on myself over the past two years and am feeling so much better in my life and I notice myself wanting to spread this joy to others and show them they too can feel better!

There is one person in particular in my life who I am very close to who is raising two daughters who I am even closer to. I find it very hard to sit back and watch her suffer due to her lack of skills with dealing with difficult emotions, social anxiety, and control issues. I know she is definitely not ready to change from previous conversations. She immediately shuts down any time someone tries to hold her accountable for her part in problems, uses silent treatment with them, takes no ownership for her actions and shows no awareness that all signs point to her having significant social anxiety. My heart SO wants to help this person. It is more difficult watching the pattern begin to repeat itself in her daughters. 

I know logically that there is nothing I can do because people have to be ready to change. And I have to let go of the attachment that I can "change someone". But I guess I am hopeful there are ways to support someone in moving towards being ready to change. 

How does one gently increase a person’s awareness? 

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been in a situation where you KNOW you can help someone or at least point them in the direction of helping them out. 🙋🙋🙋

I have much to say about this-- the do’s and don’t’s and everything in between. Listen in as I also tell you HOW to say what can be helpful for your friend or loved one, as well as how to take care of yourself. 

http://yourkickasslife.com/287

 

Jun 26, 2019
YKAL Coaching Sessions: Upper Limit Problems with Rachel
01:09:45

I am especially pumped for today's episode because it is the first time I am coaching someone on the podcast. I am so excited! But, before I dive into the content of today’s episode, I wanted to give a crash course in life coaching (for anyone new to the concept) and share how I actually coach my clients.

Traditionally, life coaches act as a guide when working with clients. They ask the right questions or offer clients different perspectives. One important item to note: life coaches don't give advice nor do they give their opinion. The way I work with clients is a mix between life coaching and consulting or advising. Because I've been doing this work for so long and with the same type of woman, I see patterns over and over and over again, which helps me better help those I work with. I also get really curious. You will hear this as you listen to my session with Rachel.

Speaking of Rachel, she is one of my past group coaching participants and kindly agreed to do this special podcast coaching session episode. During the session, we discussed her fear of advancing in her career, which we identified as an upper limit problem (which I KNOW is a common struggle!). We also uncovered a quiet, yet powerful inner voice that says, “Yes, you can do this.” The session is thought-provoking, empowering and engaging. I have been thinking about doing this kind of podcast episode for so long. The day has finally arrived and I hope you enjoy it!

In this episode, you’ll also hear:

  • Uncovering Rachel’s upper limit problem and discussing aspired values (20:04)
  • Explanation of an upper limit problem, what it is and how to address it (24:26)
  • An exercise in talking through the worst case scenario when it comes perceptions by people in the workplace (30:54)
  • Uncovering a quiet yet powerful inner voice or what Rachel refers to as a vibration or wave (42:46)
  • A kick-ass update from Rachel (1:04:04)
Jun 19, 2019
What We Should Know About Social Justice with Dr. Tee Williams
01:10:22

This week’s episode has been a long time coming. It all started back in 2016, following the presidential election. At the time, I realized I needed to take a step back and unlearn a lot of the things that I had learned as a young adult. I needed to look at many important things through a new lens and figure out what I could do with my platform that's helpful to those that follow me. The thing is, if you’re “doing” personal development (whether you’re a student, teacher, or both), the topic of social justice matters. The end.  

I spent a decent amount of time conversing with people, reading, and listening to podcasts about societal justice, the patriarchy, and race relations, all in an attempt to understand, at a deeper level, the world that surrounds me. One of the people I’ve been learning from is Dr. Tee Williams. Dr. Tee is an educator, consultant, and writer residing in Los Angeles. His passion is helping people and organizations transform themselves so that together we can collectively transform the world.

The online world of social justice can be very confusing and overwhelming, am I right?

What can we do?

Who do we learn from?

Where do we start?

What does social justice mean?

And, what does liberation mean?

These words and phrases get thrown around so much. And the reality is, a lot of us don't know what they actually mean or look like. Dr. Tee is here this week to help us sort it out and make sense of it all. And y’all, he teaches with such grace and a great sense of humor. He is a great pleasure, I am sure you will agree!

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • What we can do and why should we do it when it comes to standing up for social justice (6:57)
  • The importance of using your brilliance and critical thinking in the evaluation and the incorporation of information being shared in media, online and in the world around you (10:30)
  • What liberation means, the critical liberation theory, and liberation as a framework and philosophy (15:09)
  • The difference between calling in versus calling out (46:45)
  • Doing the work to come back from saying or doing homophobic, heterosexist or racist comments or acts (47:16)
  • Unpacking feelings of hurt, oppression and injustice so you can learn and move forward (51:26)

http://yourkickasslife.com/285

 

Jun 12, 2019
Episode 284: Let’s Talk About LOVE with Kira Sabin
46:11

Hey ass kickers! I'm happy to bring you today’s podcast episode with guest, Kira Sabin. Kira is a positive psychology practitioner and a certified life coach. She is obsessed with having bigger conversations around love and relationships; annnnd, Kira is a real life friend of mine, which means I am EXTRA excited to share this episode with you.

This week we are talking about relationships, Kira’s area of expertise. But wait, even if you aren’t partnered, stick with us. The conversation we're having today doesn't matter if you are partnered or if you are single. This episode is for everyone because all humans are in some kind of relationship and are deserving of love. In this episode we discussed love and what it actually is (or can be), the knowledge that love is for everyone and how to overcome feelings of unworthiness.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • What nobody teaches us about love and why Kira doesn’t believe in love at first sight (7:28)
  • The knowledge that love is for everyone, why many don’t feel worthy of love and how to shift that thinking (14:07)
  • How attached people can be wonderful for their single friends (20:05)
  • Life lessons from Kira: one of Kira’s biggest regrets and the best piece of advice she’s didn’t take and had to learn the hard way (23:56)
  • Family of origin and being taught how you learned to love (32:59)
  • Why the missing piece to relationships is vulnerability (40:02)

http://yourkickasslife.com/284

 

Jun 05, 2019
Episode 283: How to stop comparing your personal development journey to others
27:44

Hi ass kickers! This solo episode comes from something one of my clients told me about, and it was something I’ve heard from many women in the YKAL community.

My client went to a live event-- a personal development sort of conference/retreat. She went alone, and this particular client is, like many people, massively uncomfortable with vulnerability, but really wants to change and grow, so she did the vulnerable thing by going alone to this event.

The event was all women, and a few hundred there. As the days went on, my client kept noticing people talking about their “a-ha” moments, their breakthroughs, and how their felt their lives shifting.

And my client was feeling...well, not that. It’s not that she didn’t enjoy herself and have many takeaways from the event. But, she fell into comparisonitis.

Listen to the episode as I talk more about what to do if you find yourself comparing your personal development journey to someone else’s.

http://yourkickasslife.com/podcast/283/

May 29, 2019
Episode 282: The Science of Happiness with Dr. Sasha Heinz
42:45

This week Dr. Sasha Heinz is hanging out with me on the podcast. And as usual, I am super excited! I can’t help it, y’all-- I get excited when I get to talk to someone who I know in real life mostly because I CAN’T WAIT to introduce them to YOU.

Sasha is my friend, is very, very smart and talks about all of the things we love to talk about over here at the YKAL headquarters, like negative self-talk and perfectionism. She is a Developmental Psychologist and Life Coach, is an expert in Positive Psychology, lasting behavioral change, and the science of getting unstuck.

In today’s episode we talk about being deliberate with our thinking and how doing so has an effect on our emotions. We also talk about negative emotions and how we can have either gratuitous negative emotions or instructive negative emotions (and what that all means, plus what I call them instead of “negative” emotions). And we also tackle the million dollar question, “How can someone get to a place of worthiness, of feeling worthy?”

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • What positive psychology means and how it got started (5:22)
  • Being deliberate about your thinking so that your emotions are moving you toward the life you want to be living and who you want to be (15:03)
  • Worthiness and feeling like you are not enough and some steps to help get to a place of worthiness (16:10)
  • The science of happiness and how your circumstances really don't dictate your happiness (30:06)
  • Social media and emotions - why we would all be much happier by deleting our social media feeds (38:40)

http://yourkickasslife.com/282

 

May 22, 2019
Episode 281: Taking Up Space with Kelly Covert
47:55

I am super excited to bring you this episode for three reasons! First, I have a fun confession at the top of the show. Second, I make an announcement about a new addition to the podcast format and let me tell you, I am soooo excited about it. And last, but certainly not least, I am thrilled to share my conversation with Kelly Covert!  

Kelly is the creator of In Her Voice, a podcast for women who are called to do more. Yes, Kelly, yes! She is also an inner voice coach with a passion for helping women believe and achieve their big vision. I simply love this woman and I have no doubt you will too.

In today’s episode, you’ll hear Kelly and I talk about inner voice coaching and what it is. Plus, we talk about the importance of taking up space in the world as a woman, which in a nutshell means deciding you are worthy of sharing your story, your thoughts, and your feelings without fear or regret. Finally, we close out our conversation on the topic of inspired potential and how tapping into it is not about having to live up to something, but instead it is about something that you live into. Kelly offers so much wisdom and insight into connecting with your inner voice. I loved our conversation and I hope you do too!

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • What inner voice coaching is and how someone can become more connected to their own voice of truth (6:08)
  • How to start a practice of quieting your negative self talk and tune into your inner voice (7:49)
  • Taking up space in the world and some small steps that people can take towards doing so (18:38)
  • Inspired potential, what it is and why it’s so important (37:36)

http://yourkickasslife.com/281

 

 

May 15, 2019
Episode 280: Unleash Your Story with Jeanette LeBlanc
01:01:11

It’s May y’all, I just come alive in the springtime! I am equally excited to bring you my conversation with Jeanette LeBlanc, writer and author of the book, “You Are Not Too Much.” I have followed her work for a while and think she's a brilliant writer. And yes, in this episode we're going to be talking about writing.

Specifically, we talk about writing rituals, how to create one and use it to connect with your story. Plus, we talk about how writing can be transformative and even therapeutic.  If you don't consider yourself a writer, don’t skip this episode. Why? Well, because we also touch on that topic too. I believe that we are all writers in our own right and we all have a story to share. Whether you plan on sharing your story with one person, nobody or millions, writing can be an amazing outlet for creativity and meditation.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Why “I’m not a writer, so nevermind,” doesn’t fly with Jeanette and why helping people that think that way is her passion (5 minutes and 25 seconds)
  • Jeanette shares her journey as a writer including how she wrote herself out of one life and into another (6:06)
  • Free writing, what it is and do people really have a hard time doing it? (11:47)
  • How the act of writing can transform you and change how you show up in the world (27:57)
  • Writing rituals, what they are, what people think they are and how someone can begin a writing ritual to connect with their story (29:16)

http://yourkickasslife.com/280

 

May 08, 2019
Episode 279: 44 things I’ve learned in 44 years, Part 3
23:43

Hi ass kicker! Happy birthday to Your Kick-Ass Life Podcast! She is SIX YEARS OLD! 🎉🎉🎉To celebrate, over the last few weeks I’ve been taking you through 44 Things I’ve Learned in 44 Years.  If you missed the previous episodes of this list, you can see and listen to part 1 HERE and part 2 HERE. Today’s episode, part 3, will take you through numbers 29-44.

Also, there’s still time to enter the giveaway for a chance to win one of many prizes! You can do that HERE.

So, without further ado, here are 44 Things I’ve Learned in 44 Years:

  1. Cleaning up my own messes is the best way to sleep at night. This means apologizing when I’ve been an asshole and just generally doing my best to fix things I’ve made a mess of.
  2. Taking radical responsibility for my life is the only option.  No one else is responsible for my happiness. No one.
  3. My children don’t define me. I used to think becoming a mother would be my ultimate life purpose. It isn’t. I used to have a lot of guilt and shame about that. But, I don’t anymore.
  4. No relationship will complete me. Not a single one.
  5. “Taking the edge off” really needed to be examined. For me, I was taking off all the edges. And sometimes edges just need to be dealt with.
  6. Many times exercise really is the best medicine.
  7. The voice in my head that tells me I’m not enough is a liar.
  8. Progress, not perfection.
  9. If I listen, my body is usually trying to tell me something.
  10. I only apologize when I really, truly can stand behind it.
  11. There will always be people that don’t like me and it’s not my job to change their minds. (I admit this one is still tough. It’s a one-day-at-a-time lesson.)
  12. My parents did the best they could, with what they had at that time.  And as parents, that’s all we can do.
  13. Forgiveness is more about me, and not them.
  14. Time really doesn’t heal all wounds—I’m in charge of that. Time helps, but being proactive is the catalyst.
  15. All wisdom is created from healed pain
  16. Trying to control everything is my one-way ticket on the crazy train. Sometimes I forget this and get on board.
  17. The comparison trap is basically made-up stories of what I think someone else’s life is like
  18. We’re all scared. We all have fear. The people that say they are fearless are just pretending.
  19. None of us get out of this alive. And in the end, I want to be proud how I lived it.
  20. At your funeral, no one will talk about your failures. So, keep failing until you get it right.
  21. Uncomfortable conversations are always hard. However, that elephant in the room isn’t going anywhere (and takes up a lot of space)—so you might as well call it out.
  22. Most people really are too busy thinking about themselves to be obsessing about you like you think they are.
  23. That person that treats you like shit is a giant invitation to not be around that person, ever.
  24. If you spend time nosing in other people’s business, there’s probably something important in your life you’re purposely avoiding dealing with.
  25. Having an open mind can many times blow your mind.
  26. None of us are broken or need fixing. Improvement, yes.
  27. Whatever you think you are, will be your truth. And you are completely in charge of that, babe.
  28. The moment in an argument that you realize you’re either being unreasonable, that the other person has a point, or that you’re just wrong, is the exact moment it’s time to admit it and apologize.
  29. You may be wishing, hoping, and praying for X, Y, and Z, but are you mentally and emotionally ready for that?
  30. Looking at your relationship with money and working on that can be a game changer financially.
  31. It’s okay to change your mind.
  32. While we all compare ourselves to others, watch out when you’re comparing your beginning to someone else’s middle.
  33. I’m pretty sure in regards to parenting, that I worry 1000 times more about their life than my children are worried about their life. And this is just the thing about parenting.
  34. 3Wear sunscreen on your neck.
  35. Time is more valuable to me than money. Money is infinite, time is finite.
  36. When someone I care about shares something meaningful and I don’t know what to say, the best thing to say is, “I’m not sure exactly what to say right now, but I’m so glad that you told me.”
  37. When someone is being a jerk or cuts me off in traffic, instead of getting angry (which is so easy) I wonder if they’re acting that way because they reeeeeallly need to poop.
  38. Unsolicited advice is the worst advice.
  39. Creativity is your birthright. We’re all creative.
  40. You don’t have to have a morning routine to live your best life.
  41. Your friendships should be a priority (even though I don’t like to “should”.)
  42. Say “sorry” only when it’s truly necessary.
  43. Getting curious can sometimes be the best thing to do.
  44. Take all personal development advice with a grain of salt. ;)

http://yourkickasslife.com/279

 

May 01, 2019
Episode 278: 44 things I’ve learned in 44 years, Part 2
33:32

Hey ass kickers! Continuing from last week I’ve written 44 Things I’ve Learned in 44 Years and am breaking it up into 3 parts! Part 1 was last week and today is Part 2!

In Part 3 which will air on May 1st, you’ll get the list in its entirety.

And if you haven’t heard, last week was MY BIRTHDAY! 🎉🎉🎉Not only that, but coming up on May 1st, Your Kick-Ass Life Podcast is turning SIX YEARS OLD! To celebrate BOTH birthdays, we’re giving away some prizes. A coaching session with me, gift cards, books, and more! Click HERE to see the prizes and enter to win.

Here’s part 2, and if you missed it, please listen to part 1.

  1. All wisdom is created from healed pain
  2. Trying to control everything is my one-way ticket on the crazy train. Sometimes I forget this and get on board.
  3. The comparison trap is basically made-up stories of what I think someone else’s life is like
  4. We’re all scared. We all have fear. The people that say they are fearless are just pretending.
  5. None of us get out of this alive. And in the end, I want to be proud how I lived it.
  6. At your funeral, no one will talk about your failures. So, keep failing until you get it right.
  7. Uncomfortable conversations are always hard. However, that elephant in the room isn’t going anywhere (and takes up a lot of space)—so you might as well call it out.
  8. Most people really are too busy thinking about themselves to be obsessing about you like you think they are.
  9. That person that treats you like shit is a giant invitation to not be around that person, ever.
  10. If you spend time nosing in other people’s business, there’s probably something important in your life you’re purposely avoiding dealing with.
  11. Having an open mind can many times blow your mind.
  12. None of us are broken or need fixing. Improvement, yes.
  13. Whatever you think you are, will be your truth. And you are completely in charge of that, babe.
  14. The moment in an argument that you realize you’re either being unreasonable, that the other person has a point, or that you’re just wrong, is the exact moment it’s time to admit it and apologize.

This is just the beginning! Stay tuned for next week when you’ll hear Part 3 which is the podcast’s birthday! 🎊🎊🎊

http://yourkickasslife.com/278

 

Apr 24, 2019
Episode 277: 44 things I’ve learned in 44 years, Part 1
35:00

Hey ass kickers! Guess what? It’s MY BIRTHDAY! 🎉🎉🎉 In celebration, you’re getting the podcast episode a couple days early AND we’re doing a GIVEAWAY!

Not only is it my birthday today, but coming up on May 1st, Your Kick-Ass Life Podcast is turning SIX YEARS OLD! To celebrate BOTH birthdays, we’re giving away some prizes. A coaching session with me, gift cards, books, and more! Click HERE to see the prizes and enter to win.

I’ve written 44 Things I’ve Learned in 44 Years and will be breaking it up into 3 parts, because obviously I want to talk to about all the 44 things! In Part 3 which will air on May 1st, you’ll get the list in its entirety.

  1. Cleaning up my own messes is the best way to sleep at night. This means apologizing when I’ve been an asshole and just generally doing my best to fix things I’ve made a mess of.
  2. Taking radical responsibility for my life is the only option.  No one else is responsible for my happiness. No one.
  3. My children don’t define me. I used to think becoming a mother would be my ultimate life purpose. It isn’t. I used to have a lot of guilt and shame about that. But, I don’t anymore.
  4. No relationship will complete me. Not a single one.
  5. “Taking the edge off” really needed to be examined. For me, I was taking off all the edges. And sometimes edges just need to be dealt with.
  6. Many times exercise really is the best medicine.
  7. The voice in my head that tells me I’m not enough is a liar.
  8. Progress, not perfection.
  9. If I listen, my body is usually trying to tell me something.
  10. I only apologize when I really, truly can stand behind it.
  11. There will always be people that don’t like me and it’s not my job to change their minds. (I admit this one is still tough. It’s a one-day-at-a-time lesson.)
  12. My parents did the best they could, with what they had at that time.  And as parents, that’s all we can do.
  13. Forgiveness is more about me, and not them.
  14. Time really doesn’t heal all wounds—I’m in charge of that. Time helps, but being proactive is the catalyst.

This is just the beginning! Stay tuned for next week when you’ll hear Part 2, and then on May 1st (the podcasts birthday!) you’ll get part 3!

http://yourkickasslife.com/277

 

Apr 15, 2019
Episode 276: Be impractical
37:46

Well, hello there, ass kickers! I’m ESPECIALLY excited about today’s episode because it’s an episode that truly came from the fire in my heart. After a client session, I sat down, turned on the mic, and birthed a talk I think you’ll love. Special thanks to Kelly, who was open enough for me to use her session topic for this episode.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Kelly’s struggle with building self-trust and putting yourself out there
  • Why there is no step-by-step process for building self-trust - whomp, whomp! But there is a way to gain self-trust (and its sister, self-confidence)
  • What the ONE JOB is of your inner-critic
  • Listening to your intuition vs. your inner-critic and stepping out of your comfort zone
  • The importance of pursuing what makes you happy even if it seems impractical

And if you loved this episode, you may want to check out working with me 1:1. There are three ways to do so:

  1. My longer, deeper work that focuses on curriculum stemmed from all of my training, including The Daring Way™ (methodology from Brené Brown’s research) click HERE.
  2. A shorter package that packs a punch-- these sessions are all open. In other words, no curriculum. YOU pick your primary focus and we dive in). Click HERE for that.
  3. Last, you can book a VIP Day, where I can come to you, or we can meet at an agreed upon destination. Click HERE to hang out with me during a VIP Day.

http://yourkickasslife.com/276

 

Apr 10, 2019
Episode 275: Sometimes you have to just ride it out
23:08

You might be going through a really tough season in your life. You might be in that near desperate or full-on desperate place of wanting your situation to change.

Maybe you’re going through a really hard break up. Or you hate your job. Or someone at work is a nightmare. Or your partner’s ex is making life hell for you.

Many times, there’s no ANSWER or SOLUTION that will change how you feel or the situation you are in. You may know the tools, you may have the support, maybe you’ve done therapy and your year has just SUCKED. It’s continuing to suck and it feels like there’s no end in sight.

The answer, the solution is that you have to just persevere.

I have so much more to say on this, so if this is you or you know someone who is in this place (or you suspect you might be in this spot one day), this is for you.

Also, I have two spots for 1:1 coaching right now, if you want to read about my longer package, you can click here, or a VIP Day is here.

http://yourkickasslife.com/275

 

Apr 03, 2019
Episode 274: How to Be Resilient in the Face of Adversity Cornell Thomas
43:23

Okay y'all, this week’s guest, Cornell Thomas, is my new best friend. Seriously. He is also the perfect example of turning a loss into a win. One week before accomplishing his dream of playing professional basketball, he suffered a career ending injury. And rather than stay in, “Why me?” mode, he turned his attention to, “What now?,” instead. Today Cornell is a global speaker, multiple title author, mindset coach, corporate trainer, and social entrepreneur. And you know what else he is? He is funny, endearing and passionate about fostering a positive mindset to overcome adversity. I absolutely adore him and I know you will too.

In this episode Cornell shares so poignantly his story of adversity and how he overcame it. He also provides some insight and advice to those who may be facing their own internal or external battles. Midway through the episode, Cornell and I both get fired up about writing and putting your story to paper. Just do it!  We go on to talk about being resilient and how to actually practice resilience when a storm comes and knocks you on your ass. Finally, Cornell reminds us why gratitude is always the answer. Yes life is hard, but this episode is a reminder that you can be resilient and move past adversity with gratitude and grace.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Cornell’s story of adversity and how he turned “Why me?” into “What now?” (9:30)
  • If you have story inside of you, get it out on paper!  (24:08)
  • Saying, “No,” to things you like to, in order to do the things you love (28:42)
  • Some ways to practice resilience in the face of adversity and the importance of weathering life’s “storms” (31:40)
  • Fatigue mindset: what it is, how to overcome it and finding your finish line (35:36)

http://yourkickasslife.com/274

 

Mar 27, 2019
Episode 273: Living Your Own Truth with L’Erin Alta
41:01

The first inkling of Spring is in the air and it’s got me pumped! You know what else has me pumped? Starting in April I’ll be rolling out something new over here at YKAL headquarters. If you like the podcast, then I think you will like what I am cooking up. I’m going to start sending short, to the point, “lift your day up” emails. They’ll be informative and kick-ass (obviously). They’ll go out to YKAL subscribers about 2-3 times a month. So, if you want in, you can click HERE to sign up.

Alright, alright, alright, now onto this week’s episode! I welcome the ever lovely, L’Erin Alta. L’Erin is a personal growth facilitator for women. She teaches women how to stand in the brilliance of their own light. CAN I GET A HELL YES!? I followed her online for a long time and I am currently in a year-long program she is teaching. She is so wise and exudes so much peace. I just can’t get enough of her. I know you’ll love her just as much as I do!

In this episode L’Erin and I talk about living your own truth and stepping into your sovereignty (plus what that all means). We also have an insightful conversation about getting comfortable with people being disappointed in you when you break out of your “good girl” shell. Plus, we talk about creating internal boundaries and why they are essential. Our conversation is one about growth, self-acceptance and expanding your curiosity; all without compromising who you were always meant to be.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • What is a sovereign woman and how you can move towards becoming one (6:52)
  • Why we fall into the trap of self-doubt and self-trust (8:14)
  • Shatter points, what are they and what are some turtle steps to take when walking through them (14:16)
  • Some ways to let the “good girl” die and set the world on fire and being comfortable with disappointing people (18:08)
  • Creating healthy internal boundaries are essential, plus some examples (24:14)
  • L’Erin’s routine and rituals that help keep her grounded (30:23)

http://yourkickasslife.com/273

 

Mar 20, 2019
Episode 272: Conversations About Shit That Matters With Unqualified People: Andrea and Ella on Aging
51:26

This week I bring to you another conversation about shit that matters with unqualified people. My good friend Ella returns to the podcast to join me in a candid talk about the aging process. Ella is an Inspirational Speaker, a Personal Development Coach and the host of the popular On Air with Ella – a podcast about living better, starting now. She’s also an “IRL” friend, who lives locally to me.

Ella and I are in this awkward and uncomfortable mid-life time in our lives. We know we’re just beginning into this “tipping point” into the aging process (I mean, the part where you see marked changes). This topic is something that comes up in our discussions every once in a while and, I thought it would be good to bring to the YKAL community. Take note, this is not a conversation between two women complaining about aging. I promise.  These episodes are all about the real conversations I have with the women in my life. And serve as a reminder that like you, I don’t have everything figured out either. These episodes are here to help us all think a little bit more critically about life and look at things with a little bit of humor too.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Why conversations about aging are really about acceptance
  • “Aging gracefully” and what we really think of the phrase
  • In the weeds of the aging process and getting to a place of contentment
  • Grappling with the idea of getting Botox or other aesthetics aging treatments
  • The patriarchy, aging and becoming “unfuckable”
  • The gray hair debate and going gray
  • Not throwing in the towel: showing up as vital regardless of age 

http://yourkickasslife.com/272

Mar 13, 2019
Episode 271: Energize and Expand Your Life with Susan Hyatt
44:07

This week on the YKAL podcast, I am especially excited to introduce you to my guest, Susan Hyatt.  Susan is a Master Certified Life Coach, weight loss expert and creator of the Bare™ process. And if you ever wondered who coaches me to be my absolute best professionally and even personally - it’s Mrs. Susan Hyatt!  She holds a special place in my heart, plus we go waaaay back.

This week Susan joins me to discuss her new book, BARE, and the seven-step process she outlines to help transform your body, get more energy, feel amazing and become the bravest version of yourself. Yes, Susan, YES! I wholeheartedly agree with everything she has to say in her latest book and cannot wait for you to hear our conversation.  But wait, there’s more! You’ll hear, in this episode, how you can win a free copy of Susan’s book, BARE, plus another bonus giveaway.

In this episode Susan and I talk about diet culture in today’s society and the need for appreciating your body. We also touch on the importance of eating with attentiveness, a new approach to exercise and how to look at clothing in a whole new way. Finally we talk about practicing self-love with bravery and grace and the power to embody who you are without fear or regret - own it!

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • About the diet culture that exists today and the need to appreciate the body you’re in (3:54)
  • Susan’s experience with a coach and the question that changed things for her life (7:51)
  • Power foods and pleasure foods and the importance of eating with attentiveness (14:17)
  • The benefits of exercise and a new approach to exercise (21:47)
  • How to take a new look at your closet and the effect your clothing has on you (26:19)
  • How to detox your mind and talk to yourself with love (29:03)
  • Why it’s hard to stay consistent with healthy habits (36:09)
  • The importance of reshaping your mind and your life and harnessing your energy for things that impact your life (39:01)

http://yourkickasslife.com/271

 

Mar 06, 2019
Episode 270: My inner critic and how I manage it
36:09

If you've read my books, you know I write about the inner critic a lot. In fact,  you can't escape me talking about the inner critic in most of my work. And guess what, this week’s podcast episode is all about the inner critic too. Because the way you speak to yourself, the thoughts that run through your mind and even how you speak about yourself to other people, matters. It matters significantly.

Managing your inner critic was one of the first real tools I learned in my coach training.  It blew my mind that you can actually learn how to manage this voice in your head. And, I’ve come a long way, y’all. A long way. I do want to be clear, managing your inner critic is not about completely eradicating your negative self talk. That’s never going to happen. Sorry, not sorry.

Sometimes when we listen to people on podcasts or we read their self-help books, we can think, ”Well, I'm sure they have it all together. They don’t have these problems anymore. They're so evolved and have kicked their inner critic to the curb.”  I'm here to tell you I still have bouts of anxiety. I still have inner critic spirals. I still have compare and despair issues, at times.

In this episode I share some stories from my own life about where my inner critic shows up and the tools I use to manage. While on the surface it can look like someone has it all together, we’re all doing the work, one day at a time. The good news is this: you can create new neural pathways in your brain, to where you can you catch your inner critic very quickly. Then you don’t have to go down those seemingly never ending spirals of negative self talk, again and again. Got it? Good.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • About the time I found myself in an inner critic spiral at a red light
  • Some ways I manage my inner critic
  • About the Inner critic and how it can show up in relationships
  • The importance of recognizing your triggers

Last thing, if you  haven’t applied to be a part of The Mentorship Masterclass, there’s still time and a handful of spots open? If you’re a woman who’s ready to implement all the tools you hear about on this podcast, have accountability, be guided by me and surrounded by other amazing, kick-ass woman, you need to get your booty over the info page, and if you’re heart is like YES, PLEASE, fill out an application. <3

http://yourkickasslife.com/270

 

Feb 27, 2019
Episode 269: Are you winning at goal setting? with Keith McArthur
49:51

This week on the podcast, I am super pumped to share with you my conversation with Keith McArthur. Keith is the creator of My Instruction Manual, a website, podcast and book series providing high-quality personal development and content. He is also the author of the new book, “Winning Resolutions: Achieve Your Biggest Goals and Wildest Dreams Once and For All.”  I’ve been on Keith’s podcast twice and know him to be an amazing interviewer. This week, y’all, the tables have turned and Keith is my guest!

So back in January, I released an episode called, “New Year New You”, in which I said, loud and clear, that you do not need a morning routine or for that matter, any routine that doesn’t fit your lifestyle. But yet, I also realize that the new year can be overwhelming for many. That’s why I invited Keith to the show to talk about ways to calm the New Year overwhelm, help shift our mindset around goal setting, and share what he knows about our environment and how it can affect goal achieving. Plus, he shares what values, shame and commitment have to do with it all.  

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Why we put so much pressure on ourselves at the start of a new year and how shame comes into play (11:49)
  • Keith’s take on the “New Year, New You” mentality (13:27)
  • The biggest mistake people make when creating a goal or resolution. Plus, some science-based strategies for achieving your biggest, baddest goals (16:19)
  • How an accountability partner can help you with goals and the science behind finding the right accountability partner (25:03)
  • Some ways to get back on track if you lose sight or abandon a goal, hint: think ahead!  (27:43)
  • Taking control of your environment and some ways to structure your environment for goal success (40:34)

Lastly, ummm...why haven’t you applied to be a part of The Mentorship Masterclass? I know many of you have, but if you’re a woman who’s ready to implement all the tools you know and love (well, maybe like), have accountability, be guided by me and surrounded by other amazing, kick-ass woman, you need to get your booty over the info page, and if you’re heart is like YES, PLEASE, fill out an application. <3

http://yourkickasslife.com/269

 

 

Feb 20, 2019
Episode 268: Real Experiences from Women Who Have Done the Work
50:38

This week on the podcast I have something a little different. I know you like to hear stories from women in the YKAL community once in awhile, so I’ve brought you two of them. You might hear some of yourself in their stories! Both of these women have gone through my signature program, The Mentorship Masterclass, and I hope you’re inspired when you hear what they’ve gained in their lives.

First we hear from Courtney. Courtney has struggled with shame, not even realizing it was such a driving force in her life. Courtney says when she would start to feel good in her life, her mind would automatically wander and take inventory of all the “bad things” she’d done (in psychology this is called “confirmation bias”-- the way we tend to search for or recall information that confirms our core beliefs. And often these core beliefs are negative.) You’ll hear what happened when Courtney was taught the steps of shame resilience and the tools to implement them on the regular.

Honestly, this woman’s transformation brings tears to my eyes. I’ve had the honor to work with her most of 2018, seen the ups and downs of her journey, and her unwavering commitment to her growth-- albeit massively uncomfortable at times. I hope her story gives you hope for your own life as well.

Then we hear from Karissa. Karissa is the type who stays “all up in her head”-- convinced she can think her way through things. Karissa says she was struggling with how to get from point A to point B when it came to personal development. Self-help to her, for a long time, was done through reading all the books and listening to all the podcasts. And as a perfectionist, she was really struggling with where to go next in her journey.

Some of Karissa’s work focused on emotions, more specifically learning tools to walk through and process them, and trusting herself that she would be okay if she just let them ride.

Both of these women share their journey from being a podcast listener and self-help book reader, to diving in deeper. We’re currently accepting applications for the next round of The Mentorship Masterclass, you can read all about it here and apply. I’d love to chat with you to see if it’s for you.

http://yourkickasslife.com/268

 

Feb 13, 2019
Episode 267: Consent, Emotional Intelligence and More with Karen B.K. Chan
54:00

This week on the podcast we are talking about consent and some other extremely vulnerable topics with guest, Karen B.K. Chan. Karen is an award-winning sex and emotional literacy educator in Toronto, Canada, with over 20 years of experience. She is trained in creative facilitation, productive thinking and nonviolent communication. I have had Karen on my podcast guest wishlist for such a long time. I was so enthralled with her website. I read ALL.THE.THINGS. she has created, watched her YouTube channel and more.  She is an amazing Emotional Intelligence educator and I'm excited for you to hear our conversation.

In this episode Karen and I talk a lot about emotions, so much emotions y’all. But not only do we talk about emotions, Karen provides insightful advice and information on how to actually deal with emotions, how to feel our feelings and do the work. We also dive into sexual consent; how to navigate it,  how to overcome emotional and social barriers relating to consent and letting go of guilt for creating boundaries around sexual intimacy.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Some ways to better deal with our emotions (8:42)
  • How learning to navigate your feelings can lead to an outlet of creative expression, especially writing (11:24)
  • How to deal with emotions when you are stressed or burnt out (16:01)
  • Being innovative in your personal relationships as it relates to empathy, emotion, human connection and clarity (18:58)
  • Working to decrease unconscious biases in our lives (28:37)
  • Social and emotional barriers to sexual consent and how we can overcome them (37:14)
  • How to let go of guilt for creating boundaries around sexual intimacy or sexual encounters (46:21)

http://yourkickasslife.com/267

 

Feb 06, 2019
Episode 266: Where did your wildness go?
44:26

Hey there, ass kickers! Solo pod episode today, WHOOP! I start today’s show with a question from one of the amazing supporters over on Patreon (btw, the show is now listener supported! Check it out here.) Erica asks, How can we celebrate our small wins on our self-development journey? Could there be a podcast on different ways we can encourage ourselves to look at how far we have come instead of focusing on our shortcomings?”

Such a great question! I go into 5 or 6 different ways you can do this. Then, it’s off to the main content!

A few weeks ago I was listening to Scene on Radio, an excellent podcast. It was episode 10, in season 3 where it was a man telling a story about his son going to 6th grade and the changes that took place-- I’ll let you listen to it (it’s REALLY good, please go listen to both season 2 and 3).

There was a particular part where Terry Real, psychologist was talking and said something in particular that stopped me, and I had to pause the podcast, and cry. He talks about how children are made to “halve” themselves, to cut off certain parts of themselves (generally speaking for boys, it’s emotions). He talks about a certain age when “the patriarchy hits kids, lands on them, the psychic results can be severe”. He goes on to say, “Now if you read the literature on girls and girls development, that trauma-- and I use that word on purpose-- is traumatic to excise, to cut off half of your humanity, that trauma lands on girls about 11, 12, 13-- the edge of adolescence. That’s when they learn what Carol Gilligan calls ‘the tyranny of the nice and kind’. They learn to over accommodate and resent it. That’s the traditional set up. Fifty years of the women’s movement has changed that for a lot of girls and women, but it’s still part of the culture.”

So, in essence, as we enter puberty, (and btw, he goes on in this episode to talk about how it hits even younger for boys), we learn about how to be. We learn to be nice and kind and accommodating. We learn to put others’ feelings, wants and needs before ours.

Join me in this podcast episode as I explore this more, and ask a series of questions for you to answer about your own life to get the parts of you back that you were conditioned to let go of.

Download the worksheet that accompanies this episode:
http://yourkickasslife.com/266

 

Jan 30, 2019
Episode 265: Creating An Intimate Relationship with Yourself with Allana Pratt
52:07

This week Allana Pratt, relationship intimacy expert, joins me on the podcast. She inspires open-hearted, unapologetic living.  Allana and I go waaay back. She embodies such an amazing energy and has a true intimacy with herself, both of which I truly admire. She is divine.

In this episode Allana and I talk about being vulnerable in relationships, cultivating rich, intimate relationships with ourselves, as well as, listening to our intuition. We also talk about the aging process and some ways we can embrace it with grace and humor.  Plus, we talk about how to better harness our anger and the importance of releasing it in healthy ways.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Cultivating intimate relationships with ourselves and “In To Me I See” (11:00)
  • Lack of trust and vulnerability in relationships: what you can do (12:52)
  • What intimacy looks like for Allana and how she went from “victim to goddess” (19:32)
  • Allana shares some ways to embrace and find humor in the aging process (27:07)
  • Valuing your own self-worth and knowing you are enough (36:28)
  • How to better harness your anger and/or rage (41:50)

http://yourkickasslife.com/265

 

Jan 23, 2019
Episode 264: How to Give and Receive Love with Nicole Moore
39:00

I have another great conversation this week, this time with love coach, Nicole Moore. Nicole helps powerful, amazing women find their ideal partner using her signature Love Works Method. Before you dismiss this episode, hang on! This episode is not just for singles.  We talk about love in general. There’s a bunch of wisdom in this episode for singles and those partnered up. I hope you stick around and listen to this amazing conversation with Nicole.  

In this episode Nicole and I talk about rewriting your childhood love story and overcoming love trauma, shifting your awareness around love, and how you can let love in by looking at your mind-body connection. Plus, we dive into an important conversation about self-trust and your emotions, how to know if you’ve settled in a relationship, what “being love” means and the number one thing anyone can do to feel more confident.


In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Nicole’s story of being born into a world of lack of love, healing her own love wounds and what brought Nicole to her work as a love coach  (7 minutes and 32 seconds)
  • Looking for “the one” and being stuck in a story that there is something inherently wrong with you, plus how to rewrite your story (10:29)
  • Standing in an inferno of emotions with self-trust and worthiness (16:02)
  • What stops most people from finding the right romantic partner (18:34)
  • How to know if you settled in a relationship (21:36)
  • What “being love” means and what it has to do with making a relationship work (25:39)
  • Complaints and disagreements with partners: some advice on giving voice to your fears (29:39)

http://yourkickasslife.com/264

 

Jan 16, 2019
Episode 263: Healing the Worthiness Wound with Thais Sky
56:08

Welcome back, ass kickers! This is the first interview episode of 2019 and I am super pumped to share my conversation with Thais Sky. Thais is a truthspeaker, healer, women’s coach and feminist on a heart-led mission to support the seekers, the edge-dwellers, and the "why the heck do I feel so broken” of the world reclaim their sense of belonging by learning how to explore, trust and express themselves unapologetically. Thais is so expressive and downright poetic, as you’ll hear. I loved my conversation with her and I hope you do too.

This week, Thais and I talk about the worthiness wound, what contributes to it, some critical steps to take to reclaim your worth and how healing the worthiness wound is a radical act. We also talk about personal development and how we often hope someone will save us, but it really comes down to doing the work. We also touch on holding the human experience and being capable of navigating through triggers, thoughts and feelings. Lastly, we talk about whiteness, patriarchy,  becoming radicalized and acknowledging that one can be both the oppressor and the oppressed (and how that doesn’t mean you are a bad person).

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • What reclaiming our sense of worthiness truly means 
  • How to begin reclaiming your worth (and how it’s different from cultivating confidence) 
  • Taking on the responsibility of others and hoping someone will save us
  • Healing the “little girl” within (aka inner child work) 
  • What contributes to the worthiness wound, and why we can’t talk about the worthiness wound without talking about whiteness 
  • Acknowledging ableism and fat phobia 

💥💥JOIN ME THIS SPRING! 💥💥

If you’re ready to stop relying on your default coping mechanisms that end up making you feel like shit (isolating, numbing out, perfectionism, comparison, self-sabotage), then check out my signature program, Your Kick-Ass Life Mentorship. If it all resonates, there’s a link to fill out an application (application goes straight to me). Learn new, better coping mechanisms that make you feel proud, confident, and courageous.

http://yourkickasslife.com/263

 

Jan 09, 2019
Episode 262: New Year New You (and you don't need no stinkin' morning routine)
16:42

I’m about to say something that goes against what you might be hearing from other self-help/motivational speakers/cheerleaders/thought leaders.

You don’t need a morning routine if you don’t want one.

Confession: I haven’t had a regular morning routine in about...well, never.

I know there are self-help books specifically written about this. That scientists with glasses and white lab coats with clipboards have painstakingly studied the human effects of morning routines and found that it helps people Live Their Best Life.

I know there are self-help people out there who have cute names for their lists of things they do in the morning, and keep telling you to get up an hour earlier than your early-rising children or dog, so that you can Live Your Best Life.

I know you might feel like you’re doing it all wrong if you stumble out of bed and reach for your phone and coffee first thing.

I know that the new year is full of NEW YEAR NEW YOU and that your morning routine feels like this *one thing* that you can change that will make 2019 your Best Year Ever.

I know that you have probably made morning commitments in the past like:

  1. Meditating
  2. Working out
  3. Setting intentions
  4. Doing a coffee enerma so you can shit like a beast
  5. Pulling an angel card so you can conjure your spirits and guides to be able to Live Your Best Year and Best Life Ever.

Or maybe it’s just me.

I also know that in the past, I have regularly set my intentions of the day and that worked for a while. And now it looks different. And that I have told you about my morning routines and maybe you felt like if you did it too, you’d be Living Your Best Life.

Here’s the thing: If you get up early and do whatever it is you need to do to set yourself up for the day, and you feel rested enough to do so and aren’t doing it because you think you have to-- if you do these things because it does in fact help you Live Your Best Life, then HELL YES, SISTER!

Or, if you’ve tried a morning routine, and it’s made no significant positive changes in your life, then HELL YES, SISTER. You tried, and meh, it’s not for you.

Or, If just the thought of all that makes you want to go back to bed, then HELL YES, SISTER. It might not be for you either.

What I’m saying is watch out for the NEW YEAR NEW YOU trap that can make you feel like you’re doing it wrong. That can make you feel like you’re missing out, or that you’re not like everybody else. If you’d rather sleep the extra hour or 10 minutes, then sleep.

If you follow someone on social media and you’re comparing your life to theirs, and it kind of seems like their life is too good to be true (it probably is), and it’s all making you feel shitty, then unfollow them.

If they new year makes you feel motivated and inspired, then you do that. If the new year just feels like a new month and you’re just trying to keep your head above water, or you feel like the pace you’re going at is good for now, then you do that.

There’s no right or wrong way to Live Your Best Life.

💥💥JOIN ME THIS SPRING! 💥💥

If you’re ready to stop relying on your default coping mechanisms that end up making you feel like shit (isolating, numbing out, perfectionism, comparison, self-sabotage), then check out my signature program, Your Kick-Ass Life Mentorship. If it all resonates, there’s a link to fill out an application (application goes straight to me). Learn new, better coping mechanisms that make you feel proud, confident, and courageous.

http://yourkickasslife.com/262

 

Jan 02, 2019
Episode 261: The Evangelist of Love with Kute Blackson
47:55

My guest this week is AH-mazing. During our conversation, I even referred to him as an evangelist for love. An evangelist. for. love, y’all. Yes, I’m excited to introduce you to Kute Blackson. Kute is a charismatic visionary and transformational teacher who offers a fresh, bold look at spiritual awareness for a whole new generation. Oh, and did I mention, he’s also very intense.  I love intense people.

Kute joins me to talk about love; including self-love, living your own truth and what it means to live a fulfilled life. Plus, we talk about allowing yourself to feel pain, coping mechanisms and conditioning, questioning who you truly are and what Kute means when he says, “we are born-free.”  As Kute so eloquently stated, love is the most important thing on the planet and the most important thing to experience while we are alive. And lastly, “Real healing happens in the space of love.” Hell-to-the-yes.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Kute’s deep calling to serve humanity, following his own truth and integrity and how he began on a path to helping other people find themselves (8:15)
  • What stops us from being fulfilled and free (13:23)
  • How to reconnect with your heart and body to get to your own truth, plus 3 questions to ask yourself to help you get there (14:38)
  • The layers that cover up your true self, coping mechanisms and shifting your conditioning (18:31)
  • Creating your own opportunities, and add value to others lives (43:05)

http://yourkickasslife.com/261

 

Dec 26, 2018
Episode 260: Let's Talk About Happiness with Rob Mack
44:24

I am ecstatic to introduce you to this week’s guest, Rob Mack. Rob is an ivy-league-educated Celebrity Happiness Coach, Positive Psychology Expert, Published Author, and TV Host/Personality. He just exudes peacefulness and while it looks like it comes naturally to him, he works hard at it.

Rob joins me to talk about prioritizing peace, happiness, love and joy and how to focus on feeling better. We also talk about negativity bias, being comfortable with our uncomfortableness, being stuck in an identity story and some ways to let it go.  Rob is such a delight. And, y’all, he is a very snappy dresser too!

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Rob shares his story of suffering with depression and attempting suicide (11 minutes and 35 seconds)
  • Micro-meditations (for super, busy women) (17:15)
  • Some ways to build optimism, resilience, and real confidence (24:40)
  • Negativity bias and why we tolerate being unhappy (26:45)
  • Being stuck in an identity story and how to reframe it and let it go (31:04)
  • A few simple actions you can take today to get on a path to happiness (39:58)

http://yourkickasslife.com/260

 

Dec 19, 2018
Episode 259: Challenging Cultural Beauty and Wellness Standards with Melissa Toller
41:12

We are in the last stretch of the year and it’s business as usual over here at Team YKAL with a brand new episode!. This week on the podcast, speaker, writer, and educator Melissa Toler joins me. Her work encourages people to make the connection between our culture's oppressive beauty standards and our personal struggle with self-acceptance.

I’ve been following Melissa and her work online and social media for a while now. I love her message and I was so excited for the chance to speak with her. Today, we talk about challenging the cultural standards of wellness and beauty, plus diet culture and it’s messaging. We also talk about how we all have internalized thoughts around certain body types, including black bodies, brown bodies, or even trans bodies and how it perpetuates harm. Melissa reminds us the work of unpacking and unlearning our internal body biases is lifelong work.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Melissa’s pivot away from the wellness industry and why she became disillusioned with it (7 minutes and 24 seconds)
  • How Melissa challenges the cultural standards of beauty and wellness (13:10)
  • Questioning the messages we receive about body image, health and fitness (17:04)
  • How health and wellness professionals can shift their education and start to question their current practices and philosophies (24:28)
  • Fatphobia and unpacking internal biases (26:22)
  • Melissa shares her story of her own weight loss obsession and how she overcame it (34:09)

http://yourkickasslife.com/259

 

Dec 12, 2018
Episode 258: Self-Love and Self-Care with Nitika Chopra
45:01

Happy December! It’s podcast day, y’all. And this week, I am excited to introduce you to my guest, Nitika Chopra. She has been a leader in the wellness industry since 2010, is known for her straightforward tone and intense vulnerability, and recently created a conversation about self-love in the chronic illness community. The energy  she exudes is just so magnetic. She is someone I wanted to have on the podcast for a while and I’m thrilled to share our conversation with you.

Nitika and I talk in-depth about self-love, specifically her journey to finding self-love after suffering debilitating psoriasis for many years and her thoughts and philosophy about self care. Plus, Nitika shares openly and honestly about how she repaired the hatred she had over her body for so many years.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Nitika’s humbling and eye-opening journey to self-love (9 minutes and 11 seconds)
  • Why Nitika thinks self-help can sometimes be more harmful than helpful (15:22)
  • Self-care was Nitika’s saving grace; she explains why, as well as, shares some of her own self- care practices and describes where she thinks self-care really starts (22:08)
  • Nitika’s letter to her body and why she was driven to write it (28:49)
  • Some ways you can begin to love yourself more, today (32:12)

Also, I have ONE spot open for 1:1 coaching. Two options there: I take women privately through The Daring Way™ work, as well as do traditional life coaching where we basically get down to what you want, I help you get there (with a little hand holding and a lot of holding your feet to the fire) and VOILA! You have Your Kick-Ass Life.

http://yourkickasslife.com/258

 

 

Dec 05, 2018
Episode 257: Comfort Zones: A Rant
24:40

Not long ago, I got inspired, turned on the mic, and riffed about comfort zones. I think I started sweating even a little, not because I was nervous, but because I get FIRED UP about this stuff.

I go over what it is that keeps us stuck. Is it fear of failure? A habit? Fear of success? Is it our feelings and emotions that keep us from the person we want to be? I go over all of this.

Alas, I don’t have this episode in written format, but you don’t want to miss this. 

Also, I have ONE spot open for 1:1 coaching. Two options there: I take women privately through The Daring Way™ work, as well as do traditional life coaching where we basically get down to what you want, I help you get there (with a little hand holding and a lot of holding your feet to the fire) and VIOLA! You have Your Kick-Ass Life. Simply reply to this email and we’ll get you started with an application and a call with me to see if it’s a good fit. Okay? Okay.

http://yourkickasslife.com/257

 

Nov 28, 2018
Episode 256: Holiday Gifts
22:33

The holidays are upon us! If you’re like me, you love to get your shopping done early AND you love to get just the right gift for that special someone in your life (and even if they’re not that special to you, I mean sometimes we have the obligatory gift to buy, am I right?)

Here’s a few of my favorite gift ideas as well as some nifty stuff we found on the internet to I like/love so you have a plethora of things to choose from! Happy shopping!

Pet stuff

Personalized pet socks. Y’all. YOU CAN GET YOUR ACTUAL PET ON A PAIR OF SOCKS. I mean, not the actual pet but their picture. You understand. Is this already a thing and I’m just learning of it? Whether it is or isn’t, it’s amazing.

If you follow me on Instagram and watch my IG stories, you know Dirty Baby. If you don’t, then this won’t be funny at all (but seriously, get in on the joke, go to my Instagram profile in the “highlights” and click on “#dirtybaby”. You’re welcome). So, for your dog (or cat?) they CAN HAVE THEIR OWN DIRTY BABY and we can be gross pet toy friends.

Barkbox is for those people who really, and I mean really love their dogs. They used to sponsor the podcast, so if you use this link you can get a free month. My dog LOST HER SHIT over their toys and treats. But, then again she eats rabbit poop in the backyard so she may not be a good judge of delicious things.  

Food stuff

Chocolate covered pretzels GALORE. I’m just sayin’ that if someone wants to buy me these I will NOT be mad. At all.

Fruitcake from Harry and David. For that person in your life who has everything and is also 137 years old, yes, fruitcake. My stepdad LOVES THIS STUFF and he’s only 76. But seriously, seniors love fruitcake and Harry and David know how to do it up. I can’t say I’ve personally tasted it, but we frequently buy it for Gene, the love of my mom’s life and he raves about it. Plus, super affordable. Also, their other food is delish.

Fairytale Brownies. This is for the serious brownlie lover (me). You can’t go wrong with fancy brownies. Trust me.

Tea Forte from Neiman Marcus. Fancy, but still affordable, for that person who doesn’t drink coffee (gasp!)

Gourmet cooking salt sets Darlene (YKAL podcast producer extraordinaire) knows this lady and recommends these fancy salts for the foodie in your life (if loving brownies counts as being a foodie, I’m IN)!

MISC:

Some Call Me Crunchy bath salts. I found these at a local boutique here in Greensboro and these bath salts are amazing. They always make a great gift! (I always put extra epsom salt in my bath when I use these.)

The Moondeck. Both for the serious woo-woo person in your life and the newbie. These cards are so gorgeous and perfect for meditations, mantras, and more.  

Anything from The Hoodwitch. From rose quartz crystals, to blue sage & sunflower, you’ll for sure find something for that “witchy” person in your life!

Cast Iron Cauldron (or this one.) A lot of people find it either hilarious or interesting that I have a cauldron. Maybe they envision a huge one brewing over a fire with chicken’s feet and the tears of my enemies in it, but alas, it’s actually a mall one that I use to burn paper that I’ve written things down on, or keep my sage in. This would make a great gift for your witchy friends!

Skylight frame. So apparently, this is an update to the digital photo frame that was super popular about 12 years ago. With this frame you can update photos for your parents or grandma or other loved one remotely. I think. I don’t actually know for sure, but I was too lazy to go and read all the instructions, but it seems like a great gift for your grandparents if they don’t like fruitcake (see above).

Postercandy family poster framed by Framebridge. Ya’ll. This is something I researched myself and did and it’s seriously the favorite piece of decor I have in my house. Full disclosure: it took me a while to put it together. You can choose how many pictures you want  and since I picked like 7,000, it was time consuming. I love this because it’s like a photo album spanned over 10 years in one piece of art. I often find myself and other members of my family just standing in front of it smiling. And everyone comments on it who comes over!

Okay, there’s about a bazillion journals to choose from, and I’m always a fan of having several I love this one from Uncommon Goods because there are prompts to write about your life. It think this would an especially great gift for a young-ish person (late teens/20’s).

Alex and Ani Wonder Woman inspired bangles. It doesn’t get much better than this. It really doesn’t, IMO.

Air plants. For the person in your life that can’t seem to keep plants alive, this is always a good option!

Fun friendship lamps. How cute are these? Have a loved one far away? Get a set of these lamps and you’ll always know when you’re thinking of each other!

http://yourkickasslife.com/256

 

 

Nov 21, 2018
Episode 255: Personal Integrity and The Epidemic of Lying with Lauren Handel Zander
50:40

This week I welcome Lauren Handel Zander to the YKAL podcast. Lauren is the author of, Maybe It’s You: Cut the Crap, Face Your Fears, Love Your Life. She is also a life coach, university lecturer and co-founder of Handel Group. She joins me to talk about the everyday shit that we do that takes us farther away from the person we want to be and the person we were meant to be.

We had an amazing conversation about her journey to becoming a life coach, what personal integrity means to her and her work, qualifying yes versus no, and the epidemic of lying.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Lauren’s path to becoming a life coach (7 minutes and 30 seconds)
  • What is personal integrity and how she uses it to help people achieve their goals (13:51)
  • One trick to keep you accountable when it comes to doing the work (20:17)
  • Boundaries: Why people say, “Yes,” when they mean, “No,” and how to empower ourselves to say, “No”, when we really mean it (26:35)
  • How to develop the awareness to stop the cycle of numbing out and isolating (35:12)
  • The seven ways we lie, cleaning up your lies and telling the truth and how doing so can truly jumpstart your happiness (38:17)


💥 REGISTRATION IS OPEN FOR THE NEW AND IMPROVED DARING WAY™ PROGRAM AND RETREAT! (Shouty caps on purpose!). LET’S CHAT ABOUT IT! Head on over here to check it out!  💥

 

http://yourkickasslife.com/255

 

Nov 14, 2018
Episode 254: Conversations About Shit That Matters With Unqualified People: Andrea and Kate on Rape Culture
01:15:05

This week my dear friend Kate Anthony is back on the podcast. If you are new to the show, I’ve started a new series where I’ve been talking with close friends about shit that matters. During these candid conversations, we take a big topic where we are not experts and unpack our own stuff around it and begin to make sense of it all. In this episode, Kate and I continue our conversation on rape culture and sexual assault. I highly encourage you to listen to part one of our conversation, if you haven’t done so already.

The reason I wanted to create two episodes on this topic is to shed light on stories of non-consensual sex, rape, and assault. If you feel your story is not important enough, something I believed of my own story for a long time, know that your story is important.  All of our stories are important and everybody’s story matters. That’s my why. And, trigger warning: Kate and I share our own experiences with non-consensual sex in this episode.

In this episode you’ll also hear:

  • The moment Kate realized her sexual assault was rape (10 minutes and 1 second)
  • Saying yes out of fear and coerced consent (19:03)
  • I retell the story of when, at 17, my boyfriend videotaped us without my knowledge and I lost my shit (24:28)
  • And then, I share my own story of date rape (27:53)
  • The untrue stories we make up about the kind of men that assault women, like, “Only scary looking men or strangers in an alley assault women.”  (45:50)
  • Kate shares a story about a man asking for consent (46:31)

💥🎉FREE LIVE TRAINING! 💥🎉

Okay, y’all-- there are two topics I’ve seen come up over the last few months during my retreats and programs. One is trusting women-- why do we have such a hard time with this and how do we overcome it?

The other is the concept of feeling “good enough”. Do we just decide this and wait for it? Is it a mindset issue? Or something else?

Join me on Friday, November 9th at 12:30 eastern time where I’ll break down these two topics and give you some tangible steps to take to make this happen in your life. As you know from my book HTSFLS, both of these topics are IMPERATIVE for you to stop feeling like shit and start living your kick-ass life. See you there! (And yes, a replay will be available)

No need to sign up for anything, just mark your calendar, and put THIS LINK in there. Then, on 11/9 at 12:30 eastern, click the link and join us! 😘😘😘

http://yourkickasslife.com/254

 

Nov 07, 2018
Episode 253: Conversations About Shit That Matters With Unqualified People: Andrea and Kate on Rape Culture
01:35:45

Hey ass kickers! I am bringing you another episode of Conversations About Shit That Matters with Unqualified People. My “unqualified person” this week is my friend Kate Anthony, who helped me kick off this series several months ago. For newcomers, here’s a brief introduction to Kate: Kate Anthony is a certified life coach who specializes in helping moms decide whether they should stay in or leave their marriages. This week, Kate and I are talking about rape culture. Kate is truly kick-ass, one of my dearest friends, and someone I feel totally comfortable with unpacking this sensitive topic. And, rape culture is a lot to unpack.

As a reminder, before we get started, this is not an episode where I am teaching about rape culture. It’s an honest conversation between two unqualified people, emphasis on unqualified, about a very important and hard topic. We cover a lot, including what rape culture looks like, how we all participate in it, and some ways to start conversations with people about it.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Identifying rape culture and Kate’s experience with being slut-shamed in high school 
  • Defining toxic masculinity 
  • Our thoughts on Brett Kavanaugh and what he could have done to make the situation different
  • Rape culture, protecting the internal patriarchy, and denial of sexual assault 
  • How to start to have deeper conversations with others and take steps towards change 
  • Bringing men into the conversation about rape culture and toxic masculinity
  • Kate’s experience with today’s dating scene and why she has decided to take a step back from it 

💥🎉FREE LIVE TRAINING! 💥🎉

Okay, y’all-- there are two topics I’ve seen come up over the last few months during my retreats and programs. One is trusting women-- why do we have such a hard time with this and how do we overcome it?

The other is the concept of feeling “good enough”. Do we just decide this and wait for it? Is it a mindset issue? Or something else?

Join me on Friday, November 9th at 12:30 eastern time where I’ll break down these two topics and give you some tangible steps to take to make this happen in your life. As you know from my book HTSFLS, both of these topics are IMPERATIVE for you to stop feeling like shit and start living your kick-ass life. See you there! (And yes, a replay will be available)

No need to sign up for anything, just mark your calendar, and put THIS LINK in there. Then, on 11/9 at 12:30 eastern, click the link and join us! 😘😘😘

 

http://yourkickasslife.com/253

 

Oct 31, 2018
Episode 252: Processing and Healing from Sexual Trauma with Rebecca Bass-Ching
55:19

With recent events that are happening in the news in the U.S. surrounding the U.S. Supreme court nomination of Brent Kavanaugh and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford coming forward with her story of sexual assault, I knew I needed to have a podcast on the topic of sexual trauma. While I do plan on having an episode where I speak with a friend on the topic of sexual assault, I knew how very important it was to have an expert on to discuss this topic, as well. Because, y’all, I am not an expert in this area, but as many of you know, finding an expert in a given field is something I take very seriously.

And that is why I am honored and grateful to be welcoming back to the show, Licensed Marriage and Family and Therapist, Rebecca Bass-Ching. Rebecca is also a Certified EMDR Therapist+Consultant, Trauma Therapist and a Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator. Today you’ll hear us speak on the topic of sexual trauma, including: feeling triggered by sexual assault stories in the news, navigating the differencing of opinions to sexual assault, healing and processing from sexual trauma and the all important fact that there is no time limit on healing.

Trigger warning: while we go into mostly surface level conversation related to sexual trauma and assault, it’s still a very tender topic. In fact, I let Rebecca really take the reigns in this episode because, as you’ll hear, I am still unpacking and navigating my own feelings too.  

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Some reasons why we may be feeling triggered, angered or on edge related to current events about sexual trauma or assault (8 minutes and 29 seconds)
  • How to navigate feedback from people who have different opinions or reactions to sexual assault (14:02)
  • Handling the question and red herring argument, “What if your son was falsely accused of sexual assault?” (21:21)
  • Your memory network and trauma: remembering portions of trauma so very clearly (32:30)
  • Healing from trauma is very inconvenient, plus we touch on residual trauma (34:35)
  • The deep connection between sexism and racism (38:47)

http://yourkickasslife.com/252

 

Oct 24, 2018
Episode 251: Creating Huge Leaps of Self Awareness with Shanna Lee
47:13

This week on the podcast Shanna Lee joins me. She is founder of the platform The Soul Frequency and author of the book of the same name. And, guess what? I’m holding a contest this week over on Patreon. One winner will receive a copy of Shanna’s book, Soul Frequency: Your Healthy, Awakened and Authentic Life. If you haven’t joined the Patreon Party yet, which is in full swing, you still can. Head over to Patreon to participate in this contest or to become a Patron, here.

I know of Shanna because I was a guest on her podcast several months ago. Her message is very similar to the one I share with you here at YKAL. Once I learned she was about to release a book, I knew I wanted to have her on my show. Today,  we talk about some of the concepts she covers in her book, including how to align yourself with the life you want to be living. Plus, we talk about suppressed anger as a woman and how to open the door to it, being open to bad experiences and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • What The Soul Frequency actually means (9 minutes and 42 seconds)
  • Shanna’s journey, and her own lesson of just showing up and being fully present (12:41)
  • Walking your path, getting back into alignment with what feels good (15:48)
  • Shanna’s anatomy of transformation and its four pillars: truth, release, experience, and align (19:02)
  • Women’s anger and rage: your relationship around anger, how it's socially unacceptable, and ways to open the door to anger. (26:27)
  • Being open to the bad that may be happening around you instead of shutting the door on it. (37:36)

http://yourkickasslife.com/251

 

Oct 17, 2018
Episode 250: Creating an Awareness Around Emotional Eating with Andrea Owen
44:07

I have a rich and amazing conversation with Rachel Foy for you this week on the YKAL Podcast. Rachel is an author, motivational teacher and the founder of the Soul Fed Woman. Rachel helps women overcome things like emotional eating, binge eating, and weight obsession. She helps them wake up and reclaim their lives so they are no longer missing from it. I am excited to bring you this topic today. But first, one quick note before we get started.

At the start of this episode,  I briefly share that I am gathering my thoughts on sexual assault all while trying to hold back my rage. I plan to talk about this tender topic in a future episode of Conversations About Shit that Matters with Unqualified People. Current events in our country, the #whyIdidntreport movement and the trauma many women have had to face, again, either due to reliving their own experiences or empathizing with that of another woman, is just too much. More on this topic will be coming soon. Okay, now back to today’s episode.

Today, Rachel and I talk about emotional eating and bringing awareness to your coping mechanisms. We also touch on the topics of body acceptance and fat-phobia. Plus, we talk about numbing out, making empowering choices, and some ways to overcome many issues women experience around food, diet culture and emotions.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • What to do when you start feeding your feelings with food (8 minutes and 50 seconds)
  • Rachel’s own difficult journey with food obsession, eating disorders and dieting (10:32)
  • Body dysmorphic disorder (BDD): what it is and how it can show up (15:15)
  • Fat-phobic culture, preconceived perceptions, and breaking away from diet culture: stripping down fat-phobia (20:00)
  • How to be emotionally fed and become a soulfed women (21:45)
  • What to do if food is your only source of pleasure (26:17)
  • Why we choose to numb out and some ways how to overcome it (34:05)

http://yourkickasslife.com/250

 

Oct 10, 2018
Episode 249: Healing from Codependency and Love Addiction with Christine Gutierrez
36:06

Joining me on the podcast this week is leading Latina psychotherapist, Christine Gutierrez, LHMC. Christine is the founder of Christineg.tv, an online hub that features psychologically-savvy and soulful advice. Christine also specializes in love addiction which happens to be the topic of today’s episode.

In this episode, we talked about healing from love addiction, Christine’s own experience with it and how she now helps clients move through the healing process. We also touched on codependency and love addiction red flags. It’s clear through my conversation with Christine that she has worked hard and tirelessly on learning how to trust in herself and lean into her biggest self. I’m happy to share our conversation with you.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • What love addiction is, how Christine’s early childhood experiences ultimately led to love addiction, and how she got on the path to healing (1 minute 47 seconds)
  • The distinction between healthy, falling in love and love addiction (5:46)
  • Some tips and tools for women struggling with love addiction (11:21)
  • Christine’s journey to helping other women heal, the merging of the mundane and divine and what the word diosa means to her (17:43)
  • How to experience more fierce love in your life (and what fierce love is, exactly) (25:32)

http://yourkickasslife.com/249

 

Oct 03, 2018
Episode 248: Inner Critic vs. Intuition
25:15

Today I have an episode for you that was a suggested topic from one of our awesome listeners on Patreon. Patron members can suggest show topics, as well as get their personal questions answered on Listener Q & A episodes, and so many more perks! Head on over HERE to read more about how you can become a member.  

Corrina asks:

I would love to hear about how to tell the difference between the internal voice that is authentic and courageous versus the voice that is fearful and holding you back or is reactionary. For example, are you leaving a situation because it's good for you or are you in flight mode?

I also wrote a blog post about this AGES ago (2011 omg) so I’ve dug it up, updated it and am putting it back out there.

First and foremost, this is one tricky mother. To be honest, it’s still something I sometimes am challenged by in my own life, and when I am, I talk it out with a trusted friend. Sometimes processing externally can be helpful for you to be able to decipher. Journaling can also be helpful to process more internally.

Second, I do believe there are going to be times where you just don’t know for sure if it’s your intuition speaking or your inner-critic/fear. In those instances, you’ll need to just make a decision and see what happens. I can say that the more you intentionally work on paying attention to your intuition (practices like meditation, stillness, being in nature, journaling, yoga) the more in tune you’ll be with it, and the more clear it will become.

In no particular order, here are some ways to decipher if it’s your inner-critic/fear/gremlin or your intuition/soul voice speaking to you: 

Your inner-critic doesn’t like change; but if it’s good for you, your intuition will encourage it. Gremlins like to keep you exactly where you are, even if you’re not in a great place. For instance, if you hate your job it seems like a no-brainer that you would want to leave, right? So, you daydream about your dream job, doing that thing you’ve always wanted. Your gremlin pops up and says, “There’s no way. What if it doesn’t work? It’s too risky anyway.” You listen to your inner-critic and the days drag on in the grips of this sucky job.

Your intuition is the voice and vision that is steering your daydreams. Your intuition is the voice of your soul and that voice wants you to be happy or else it wouldn’t give you all these dreams! Trusting your dreams is trusting your intuition. Practice adding on to these daydreams visions of  you actually bridging the gap between where you are now and where you want to be. What steps are necessary for you to leave that sucky job and get your dream job? Scary, yes, your gremlin will tell you so. Notice it, keep dreaming, and taking action.

Your gremlin voices come from your head, but your intuitional voice come from your heart. In my opinion, most of us live 99% of the time in our heads (especially if you are a part of my community, you smart, go-getting woman,you!). It takes practice and slowing down (what’s that?) to listen to our hearts. Often times I ask clients a big, pondering question during a coaching session and they respond quickly, without any hesitation, but that answer surprises them, or they backpedal. For instance, say I asked you if you could do anything for the next month, what would it be? And you responded with, “I’d get on a plane, go to an animal sanctuary that I follow on Instagram and volunteer there. But, there’s no way I could actually do that!” I know immediately that the initial answer came from their heart and the excuse came from their head. I respond with, “What if you answered that question just from your heart instead of your head?” and always they respond with something to the effect of, “Huh….let me sit with that for a minute.”

“Getting out of your own way” requires you to get out of your own head. And trust me, we live there. So, how in the world do we do this, you might ask? First, slow down. And simply ask. “What does my heart say about this?”  is good enough. And be patient for the answer. This all might sound a bit “woo woo”, but believe me, it’s possible!

Gremlin voices tell you things out of fear; intuition comes from your soul wanting you to be happy. Fear is your inner-critic’s middle name. Its motives-- keeping you from change are based on, you guessed it, fear. It’s afraid of change, afraid of failure, afraid of looking like a (you fill in the blank), afraid of everything.

Intuition, on the other hand, wants you to be happy. It’s rooting for you, cheering for you, encouraging and supporting you, even if you can’t hear it right now. If you take everything you hear that’s inside you that is fear-based and notice and become aware that that is your gremlin, you’ll begin to filter it out. That may be the first step you need to take. It’s a big leap to think you can sit down and decipher the two. It takes practice, awareness and more practice. Many people actually feel their intuition physically, whether it’s hair standing up on the back of their necks, a feeling in their stomach, or goosebumps.

Gremlins generally aren’t very nice, intuition is soft and squishy. Some people’s gremlins are assholes, plain and simple. That’s why is also known as negative self-talk. But you might not even notice because you’re not only so used to hearing it, but the voice becomes you truth. Your inner-critic says things ranging from mean or disempowering things about the way you look or how you act, to making comments about the things you dream about and hope for. Think for a moment if your gremlin were a real-life person. Would you put up with that? My guess is no.

Intuition on the other hand has been with you from the time you were born and never has a bad word to say to you or about you. Your intuition protects you from dangerous situations as well as dangerous people. (Some people believe their gremlin has motivates them. Click here to read more on that.). Intuition is your internal best friend. Your inherent fairy godmother, if you will.

Lastly, like I mentioned before, sometimes our intuition gets murky. I often see this in people that are new to trying to decipher the two. One tip is that a red flag is a red flag. If you hear yourself thinking, “That just doesn’t seem right”, then it isn’t! We often over-analyze and think our way out of what our intuition is trying to tell us, when in reality, our intuitional voice is plain and simple! No over-explaining, no justifying, it just spells it out.

Sep 26, 2018
Episode 247: Conversations About Shit That Matters with Unqualified People: On White Supremacy and Unconscious Biases
01:02:33

This episode officially kicks off a series I’m calling Conversations About Shit That Matters with Unqualified People. Today, my friend Elizabeth DiAlto and I are talking about doing the work in terms of racism, white supremacy, and more.

You might wonder what this has to do with personal development? Well, the deeper I get into my own personal development work and even trainings, the more I can see that the root of the problems many of us face (feeling not good enough, lack of confidence, etc.) is rooted in white supremacy and patriarchy. And trust me when I tell you there was a time many years ago when I would have disagreed with that. However, back then I hadn’t done enough work, nor (although largely unconscious at the time) had I wanted to admit that a system that I largely benefitted from could be the problem.

One of the heavy topics I am passionate about dismantling is rape culture. The system that normalizes and trivializes the sexual assault and harassment of women. The idea that women’s bodies are disposable and that sexual violence is normal. A couple of years ago I realized that there is a direct connection from rape culture to both patriarchy and white supremacy, and so began my work over here on my own, so I can better educate. This episode is the very beginning of that.

Also, as I mention in this episode, I have two solo episodes coming up in the next few months about core beliefs and inner critic that were suggested by Patreon members. I’ve decided to let go of advertising and sponsorships on the podcast, but in order to still be able to support the costs of the show, I’ve introduced ways for listeners to do that. When you become a Patron, there are perks! Including being able to suggest show topics, getting your personal development questions answered on Listener Q & A episodes, monthly Ask Me Anything calls, book giveaways and more (Last AMA call I answered a question from one of our patrons who had a question about an uncomfortable situation with her friends that she wanted my advice about. The month before that, someone asked about starting her own coaching business. I’ll answer virtually ANY question you have on those particular calls)!
 
Head on over HERE to check out the different tiers and I thank you for supporting the show! 

Back to today’s episode! Although this isn’t a teaching/expert interview episode, Elizabeth and I explore some important topics, including:

  • To be a true ally, you must perform acts of solidarity (15 minutes and 48 seconds)
  • Unpacking white supremacy and white privilege: the power of group. community, safe processing buddies, and collective intelligence (24:04)
  • Shaming and tone policing in social media (25:54)
  • An important distinction between shaming and holding people accountable; and fragility (30:27)
  • Being of mixed race, whitewashing cultures, and being ethnically ambiguous (40:05)
  • Dropping unconscious biases and exploring assumptions about health and overweight people (48:10)

http://yourkickasslife.com/247

 

Sep 19, 2018
Episode 246: An Important Conversation About Depression
49:50

This week I have the pleasure of introducing you all to the brilliant and kind, Dr. John Duffy.  Dr. Duffy is the author of the number-one best-selling book, The Available Parent.  He is a nationally-recognized expert in self-awareness, relationships, and parenting. He is also the host of the podcast, Undue Anxiety.  I met Dr. Duffy while on my book tour for, How To Stop Feeling Like Shit. Following our conversation (I was a guest on his podcast), I knew I wanted to have Dr. John on my show to talk about the very tender topic of depression, because it’s his speciality. Whether you are battling depression or you know someone who is, today’s topic is one that touches so many lives.

Today we talk all about depression, how it shows up, why it’s not your job to fix a loved one’s depression and some ways you can support them. Plus, we touch on boundaries as it relates to depression and what to do if you are a parent of a child who may be struggling with some form of mental illness or depression.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • How depression might show up in people’s lives and what it may look like 
  • Some ways you can support someone who is struggling with depression 
  • Therapies, tools, medications, and treatments for depression, today, as opposed to 25 years ago, really do work
  • The U.S. is seeing an increase in suicide rates more than other countries: Dr. Duffy shares why he thinks this may be and why excessive stimuli could be part of the reason 
  • Changing gender dynamics, gender biases, and marketing: how they play into an increase in alcohol consumption and addiction by women 
  • What to do when you suspect your child is struggling with depression or another form of mental illness

http://yourkickasslife.com/246

 

Sep 12, 2018
Episode 245: When your family doesn't get your personal development journey
42:14

We’re back with another Listener Q & A episode! I plan to do these every quarter, and if you’re a member of Patreon, you can submit your questions for me and one of my expert friends to answer on an episode.

Today I have my BFF and fellow life coach, Amy Smith of The Joy Junkie joining us to answer a listener question about her family. We get a little off track talking about poop, but it’s one of those things that happens to everyone! 🙈

The Listener’s questions are:

How do you navigate family/friends when it comes to your self help journey?

Whether it be your spouse/partner who is trying to help, but may be too pushy or you feel like you're disappointing him when you are not reaching your goals quickly.

Or maybe your family who may be trying to protect you. They don't exactly discourage you, but are not exactly supportive of your big goals.

Or your friends/family who will not let you forget your past mistakes? Constantly bringing up embarrassing situations or failures.

Sometimes I feel like I am responsible for everyone's goals. And sometimes that makes me not want to try at all. It is a lot and I do not know where to begin.

I have a large family and sometimes it feels like I am the only one who wants a better life. It is very overwhelming and discouraging. I feel like I have to make enough money to ensure my parents/brothers/sisters are financially set for life. Makes me not want to try harder because then more will be expected of me. Sometimes I wish I could be happy in mediocrity.

Listen in as Amy and I give her advice on what to do and say in these tricky situations. Family can be the hardest to navigate, and virtually no one is immune to this! Thank you to our courageous listener for not only asking the questions, but taking initiate to change a situation in her life that she’s not happy about!

http://yourkickasslife.com/245

 

Sep 05, 2018
Episode 244: Breaking the Patterns: Diet Culture & Body Acceptance with Ali Shapiro
58:33

Diet culture and weight loss is really complicated. Following my episodes a few months ago on body image and diet culture with my good friend Kate Anthony, I was genuinely curious about what I may not know as it relates to diet culture, holistic nutrition and even the body positivity movement. I knew I had to ask an expert - all.the.things. And so, joining me this week is integrated health coach, host of the podcast Insatiable, and founder of Truce with Food®, Ali Shapiro.

Today, Ali shares candidly her journey to body acceptance in her twenties, many years following her battle with childhood cancer, weight issues (she had her first Weight Watchers weigh-in at age 11) and emotional eating. We also talk in-depth about the many layers of diet culture, self-sabotage, and the difference between being self-aware rather than self-critical.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Ali’s journey to body acceptance and how she got to where she is today 
  • Ali’s view on diet culture and how she describes it as a product of patriarchy, white-supremacy, and capitalism 
  • Three patterns of conflict styles, self-sabotage and your inner-protector 
  • Vulnerability, belonging and how it relates to food/body struggles 
  • Listening to your body in a more methodical way 
  • The one question we need to ask when our mental food/body doubts creep in 

This episode is so rich with information, you may have to listen to it more than once.

http://yourkickasslife.com/244

 

 

 

Aug 29, 2018
Episode 243: This is what you have control over
24:34

I recently came across a video created by a young woman named Claire Wineman. Terminally ill with Cystic Fibrosis, she says that even though she’s going to die sooner than most and that no one can control the fact that their going to die someday, what can can control is if we’re living a life we’re proud of. I LOVED this message because that’s also my mission. The mission of YKAL is two-fold. I help women feel less alone and help them create and live a life they are proud of. 

So, how do we do this? What’s the path? Of course I don’t have all the answers, to all the things, but in my decade of experience helping women create lives their proud of and from walking through my own fire, creating a life I’m proud of, I think I have a handle on it. Here’s some questions I compiled to help you do this: 

Do you know what your values are and what they look like? 

Do you know what it means and looks like to have compassion for yourself? And do you practice it? 

Do you know what it means to have compassion for others? (Because when we don’t, check what kind of expectations you have. The expectations you have of others are often directly correlated to the expectations you have of yourself.)

Do you know where you need to set boundaries? Do you know how to do that? 

Do you show up for the few people in your life that need you? Like really show up? 


Do you ALLOW people to show up for you? And when they do, do you show them ALL of you, not just “the facts”? 

Do you take care of your physical body? 

Do you feel your feelings or do you stuff them and numb them away? 

Do you take care of your spirit? 

Do you take care of your financial house? 

Is there anything else you feel in your soul that you need to change that will make you proud of who you are?

http://yourkickasslife.com/243

 

Aug 22, 2018
Episode 242: Healing From Anxiety and Finding Lasting Peace with Corinne Zupko
51:46

Corinne Zupko is my guest this week on the podcast. She is the author of the best-selling book, From Anxiety to Love: A Radical New Approach For Letting Go of Fear and Finding Lasing Peace. And yes, today we are talking all about anxiety. In fact, anxiety focused episodes are the most popular episodes of the podcast. So, I know it’s what many of you want to hear about!

In today’s episode, we talk about Corrine’s book and her inspiration to write it on this topic. She shares openly about her personal experiences with anxiety, panic attacks and phobias; and how her introduction to a particular kind of spirituality helped her recover from her anxiety and panic disorder. Plus, I share some of my own experiences with panic attacks and anxiety. And, later, Corrinne shares her thoughts on meditation and a three-step recipe for healing. Even if you don’t struggle with clinical anxiety, this episode touches on topics and information that is helpful to all.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Corinne’s inspiration to write a book on anxiety (5 minutes and 12 seconds)
  • Corinne’s take on spirituality and her work with anxiety and healing (13:19)
  • Distinguishing between the inner therapist voice (intuition) and the ego voice (inner critic) (19:30)
  • A three-step recipe for healing (34:05)

Resources from this episode

Corinne’s website
Corinne’s book
Episode 153: Listener Q & A on anxiety and what to do about it
Corinne’s podcast episode with John Mark Straud: Episode 8: “How to ‘hear’ guidance”
----

There are FOUR spots left for The Mentorship, which is a group program that incorporates The Daring Way™ and so much more. This is for women who are ready to take their personal development to the next level.

I’ve decided to hop on a video call on August 28th at 3pm Eastern time (noon Pacific). No need to sign up for anything, just put this link in your calendar and join me at that date and time! Plus, it costs ZERO dollars!

I’ll be covering:

  • The four main topics to study in your life that will help you IMMENSELY with your confidence, relationships with others, and your general well-being.
  • What the process of shame resilience actually is.
  • The BIG surprise I had in 2011 which made me change the course of my coaching practice and go in the direction I’ve stayed in all these years.
  • Plus, any questions you have about The Mentorship!

I love doing these live videos with you (and yes, there will be a replay if you can’t be there live!) and sharing this work with you! Even if you don’t think The Mentorship is for you right now, you don’t want to miss this on the 28th!

See you there!

 

http://yourkickasslife.com/242

 

Aug 15, 2018
Episode 241: The Good, The Messy, and Magnificent with Geneen Roth
33:47

I am excited, on so many levels, to have Geneen Roth on the show with me this week. She is the author of ten books, including the just released This Messy Magnificent Life. I was first introduced to Geneen and her writing, when I read her book, Women Food and God. It was one of the first books I read about how what we eat is connected to our core beliefs. I have since consumed many of her books and one of the reasons why I am happy she was my guest.

In this episode, Geneen and I talk about her newest book, the evolution of her relationship with food and some of our meditation failures. Plus, we talk all about the inner critic, which Geneen calls, “the crazy aunt in the attic,” and Geneen offers some ways to manage her.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Wanting something more and deeper (7 minutes and 4 seconds)
  • How Geneen’s relationship with food evolved over time and how the journey is depicted through her books (9:05)
  • Our failures at meditation and insightful advice for those that are about to get started (15:49)
  • All about the crazy aunt in the attic and how Geneen teaches people to deal with her (20:52)
  • How to catch the background noise of the inner critic (28:10)

http://www.yourkickasslife.com/241

 

Aug 08, 2018
Episode 240: Choosing Wonder Over Worry and Going All In with Amber Rae
47:21

This week on the podcast, my guest is Amber Rae, author of the book Choose Wonder Over Worry: Move Beyond Fear and Doubt to Unlock Your Full Potential. And, y’all, you know I get really excited when I have a guest on the show to talk about their new book. I cannot wait to introduce Amber to you. Amber is also an artist and speaker whose work invites you to live your truth, befriend your emotions, and express your gifts.

Today, Amber and I talk about playing small, how to move beyond fear and instead go all in. Plus, Amber shares her unique way of classifying wonder and worry, listening to your inner guide and how to turn life’s messy moments into something beautiful.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • How to distinguish when choosing small projects, how to say no, and to claim the life you really want (18:24)
  • Classifying wonder & worry in distinct ways (21:44)  
  • Some ways we can be more in tune with our inner guide (27:37)
  • How to turn something messy and fearful into something beautiful (32:52)
  • The fear of rejection and what others think of you (38:24)

http://www.yourkickasslife.com/240

 

Aug 01, 2018
Episode 239: The importance of taking small action
24:56

You’ve probably listened to hundreds of podcasts, read or listened to dozens of books, and have probably done a lot of work on yourself just from the awareness you’ve gained from those efforts.

And I’m going to ask you to do more.

Because sometimes we look at the metaview of how we want our life to change and it seems too daunting. Sometimes we look at other people’s lives and wonder how we will ever get to the place where we’re like them (well, the story we make up that is their life). Sometimes we feel like there are so many moving parts to personal development, where one thing leads to another and so on and so forth and where is the end to all this growth? (Hint: there isn’t an end.)

So, I compiled a short list (not an exhaustive one, just a start) of small actions you can do today or this week or sometime soon that will make a difference. As you’ve heard me say over and over again, courage (even in the face of fear) brings confidence-- the knowledge that we can do hard things and even if we do the hard thing and fall on our face, we then realize we’ll live through it. In no particular order...

 

  1. Having a hard conversation. Who is the person you need to talk to? What is the thing you are afraid to say? What can you do this week to take a step in that direction?
  2. Controlled emoting. You may remember me talking about this in How To Stop Feeling Like Shit about controlled emoting. That thing you’ve been stuffing down? Feel it.
  3. Writing a letter you’ll never send. It can be to anyone or anything. It can be angry, sad, full of rage, I hate you, anything and everything you’re feeling about something happening. Write it to your mom, your president, your ex, your fear, the patriarchy, anything that brings up the uncomfortable feelings you’re trying not to feel.
  4. Researching starting your own business. Whether you want it to be a complete career change, a hobby, or a side hustle, so many people want to do this and never start. Research is the first step.  
  5. Go to that poetry reading. Or open mic comedy night. Or political meeting. That place you’ve been thinking about that makes you uncomfortable but is the source of the fire in your belly.
  6. Throw out all the stuff from your ex that you’ve been meaning to throw away. Whatever you need to do to cleanse old energy. Maybe it’s just cleaning out your closet or your garage. Out with the old.  
  7. Start that creative project you’ve been thinking about for forever. Too many times we put off creativity as a luxury, or being unproductive. If you wait until it doesn’t feel like that, you’ll wait forever. Just carve out 30 minutes and do it.

(Remember, in the corresponding podcast episode, I go into more detail and even give you a pep talk at the end.)

And hey! If you’re ready to take even BIGGER action, check out The Mentorship. I’m taking 12 women who are ready to do the work, on an epic adventure this fall. I’d love to chat with you about it if you think it’s a good fit.

http://yourkickasslife.com/239

 

Jul 25, 2018
Episode 238: Being More Productive and Combating Overwhelm with Charlie Gilkey
47:56

Charlie Gilkey joins me on the podcast today. Charlie is known for his knowledge around the topic of productivity and who doesn’t want to be more productive? Am I right? Charlie is a sought-out after advisor and speaker on all things business and productivity. But have no fear, whether you are a business owner or not - his teachings can be applied to all facets of your life.

In this episode Charlie and I talk about overwhelm versus overload, why we don’t make time for self-care, and the various ways to block time in order to be more productive.  Plus, we discuss the behaviors and actions that get in the way of productivity, “wtf” moments and being in the moment.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Combating overwhelm by looking at your ‘overload’ (4 minutes and 40 seconds)
  • Time blocking and how it can be used to help us be more productive (6:22)
  • Illuminating “invisible tasks”, such as turning off the lights or cleaning up after family (9:26)
  • Why self-care is typically last on our to-do list and the first to get pushed off (13:28)
  • Charlie’s Random Wednesday Self-Care Challenge (15:26)
  • Courage, boundaries and discipline; how they relate to each other (22:42)
Jul 18, 2018
Episode 237: What triathlon has taught me about life
40:47

Today’s episode comes in two parts. First, I’m joined by my friend Ella, who participated in a sprint triathlon with me last month. You’ll hear how she SMOKED me and what I thought of that!

Then, I’m sharing with you what I’ve learned from triathlons, both the training and the race itself. Sports can always be great metaphors for life, and triathlon is no different (You might remember an episode I did on what roller derby can teach you about life).

Obviously, the audio podcast goes into much more, but here are seven ways triathlon is just like life:

Consistency matters. I’ve done a total of about 15 races in my life, ranging from sprint triathlons to a half marathon. I’ve trained well and I’ve trained not well. I’m stating the obvious here, but when you train consistent, you’ll see better results. Yes, you might miss a workout here and there, but if the majority of your training is consistent, you’ll do well. And when you join a training group and/or hire a coach, you’ll see even bigger strides.

This is the same with personal development. When you use your tools consistently, you’ll see better results. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve worked with people on negative self-talk, they use one tool once, and they get exasperated that they still have negative self-talk. That’s like working out once in your life, competing in a triathlon and expecting to win the whole thing. It’s not going to happen like that, you need consistency.

Persistency matters. Directly related to what I just stated, you must keep going despite difficulty. In triathlon training, your muscles will get tired. You’ll not want to do that brick workout. You’ll get tired of the chlorine hair. You’ll realize how slow you are and feel like it’s not worth it. But, there’s nothing like the feeling of carrying on when it’s gets hard. The feeling of strength and courage is what builds confidence.

In self-help, sometimes it’s discouraging when none of your friends are into (btw, you can look for more friends), or when you feel like you’re not growing at the rate you want to or think you should. Or maybe you’re digging into a topic with your therapist that is bringing up trauma for you and you’re ready to quit it all, wishing you could go back to just living on the “surface” of your life. But, persistency is key. You must keep going because it matters and you matter.

If you fall off the habit, just get back on. Maybe you get sick or injured, maybe you just get lazy and don’t train for a week. And then you think all your training was for nothing. So, might as well quit, right? NO! Like Dori says, just keep swimming (and running and cycling)!

In personal development, you will have setbacks. It’s not a matter of if, it’s a matter of when. And many times when that happens, you might feel like throwing in the towel. You’ll feel like you already worked on this and you have to start over, which feels discouraging. But, in order to have the life you want, to get the results you want in your life, you have to get back on the horse. It’s that simple.

Sometimes you have to do things you don’t like. I don’t like to workout first thing in the morning. I don’t like to try and put on a sports bra after swimming when I feel like I’m trying to put on a strait jacket while soaking wet. I don’t like coming in last place in my age group. But, I do it all anyway. Obviously I’m not going to do things that put me in danger (although some would argue that swimming in open water puts you at risk for getting eaten by the Loch Ness Monster), but the things I don’t like during triathlon training are uncomfortable.

Personal development is hands down uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s mild, and sometimes it’s hold-my-hair-back-while-I-puke painful. Either way, you’re stretching and growing and getting better. It’s the nature of the beast.

You’re training for something you’re most likely not going to win. The majority of triathletes are what we call “age groupers”. We’re not elite athletes, we know we’re not going to win the grand prize money. We’re training for ourselves only and the satisfaction we get from the training and the event itself. We know a very small part of the population does this, that other people might think we’re crazy, and we do it anyway.

In self-help there is no winner. “Winning” is in the work, it’s the freedom of not being weighed down anymore, it’s creating a life we love and are proud of. And, like with triathlon, a small part of the population does this, other people might think we’re crazy, and we do it anyway.

Fueling yourself appropriately is everything. This is an obvious one for triathlon training, but one thing I learned was on the morning of the past race I did. The morning of, I was awake at 4:30am, for a 7:10am race. I had a Cliff bar, some water and some coffee and thought that would be enough. I got out of the water around 7:30 after swimming 880 meters and the hunger pains kicked in. I knew the bike and run would be tough. And they were.

In personal development, your fuel looks like: the people you surround yourself with, what you consume (podcasts, movies, music, books, etc.) and your self-talk. It’s all important, so be intentional about it. The path to get to where you want to be will be easier if you do your best to make sure the fuel in your life is as positive as possible.

It’s all about the story you tell yourself. This is true in training for a triathlon and race day, and even before you decide to sign up for one. You might tell yourself you’re too old, too out of shape, too overweight, too whatever to do it. Unless you’re dead, you can do it. Or, you might tell yourself the drains in the pool will suck you down if you swim over them, or that a swamp person will grab your ankles while you swim in the open water (*ahem*, not that I tell myself that). If you let your fears take over, you’ll have the absolute hardest time. And if you get out in front of them and learn to manage them, the journey will be much easier.

In your self-help journey, if you pay attention, you’ll notice that you make up stories all the time. About how people feel about you, about what someone meant when they said that, about your worth, about what will happen if you do this or that, and on and on. It’s a natural part of the human experience, it’s what our brains love to do. While you can’t stop yourself from quickly making up stories, you CAN notice when it happens, and challenge the story.

I’ll leave you with this: With both triathlon and personal development, you’ll be proud AF of yourself when you do it. Every time.

 

http://yourkickasslife.com/237

 

Jul 11, 2018
Episode 236: Living a Bigger and Bolder Life with Sara Dean
51:00

lives. Plus, we talk all about the power in motherhood. This episode, is NOT just for moms! I know even if you don’t have kids, you’ll get a lot out of this interview!

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Sara’s pivot out of the fitness industry and into the launch of Shameless Mom Academy (7 minutes and 15 seconds)
  • Performing well in fear; plus walking into fear and upleveling your life (20:41)
  • Where women are limiting themselves and the action steps to take to live bigger lives (23:55)
  • The power in motherhood and what many are missing (36:08)
  • Living reactive versus proactive and its significance for growth and power (44:04)

The YKAL Patreon party is in full swing! If you haven’t heard, the podcast is becoming listener supported, and by doing so I’m creating a community of YKAL podcast listeners who will be able to suggest guests, get their personal questions answered on Listener Q & A episodes, have opportunities to be gifted the books from guests I have on the show and SO MUCH MORE! Head on over to check out and become a patron!

 

http://yourkickasslife.com/236

 

Jul 04, 2018
Episode 235: Resolving Fear, Claiming Your Power, and Witchcraft Talk with Alionka Polanco
54:27

This week on the podcast Alionka Polanco joins me. She is an NYU-certified life and success coach, she is the founder The Big Vision Mastermind and author of "Beyond Profit: The Successful Woman's Guide to a Meaningful Life." Alionka and I have had a kindred friendship from afar for quite some time, including following each other and chatting on social media, and we even tried to meet up in real life (which sadly did not work out). That is why I am so excited to have her on the show. And, I am equally excited to share her amazing energy with you!

In this episode we talk about living a fuller life, resolving fear, and getting clear on what you want. Plus, we talk all about our witch lineage, claiming the power of magic, and how the growth process can be a scary thing.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • When Alionka realized she no longer needed to fit into a mold and how it made her feel (7 minutes and 58 seconds)
  • Having the courage to get rid of what you don’t want and releasing what doesn’t serve you (12:10)
  • One turtle step to help you get clear on what you truly do want (15:32)
  • Waking up to spirituality, spirit guides, and our witchy maternal lineage (19:54)
  • The fear of power, plus your definition of power (33:09)
  • The Four Agreements and how to not take things personally (43:48)

Also, these are the final few days to grab your extra bonuses over on Patreon! The podcast is becoming listener supported, and by doing so I’m creating a community of YKAL podcast listeners who will be able to suggest guests, get their personal questions answered on Listener Q & A episodes, have opportunities to be gifted the books from guests I have on the show and SO MUCH MORE! Head on over to check out and become a patron!

 

http://yourkickasslife.com/235

 

Jun 27, 2018
Episode 234: A Different Perspective on the Inner Critic with Laura Powers
45:55

Today is a great day because Laura Powers is back on the podcast! Laura is a celebrity psychic who has been featured by Buzzfeed, NBC, ABC, CBS, FOX, and many other media outlets. Not too long ago, Laura and I began talking about the inner-critic. And she happens to have a slightly different perspective on the inner-critic than I do. I love it when guests can come on to share their unique view on managing negative self-talk so you have even more tools to learn and grow.

In this episode we begin with a conversation about the inner critic, of course. We then move on to talking about Mercury in Retrograde, the healing power of sleep and empathetic energy. This was such an interesting conversation. So much so, I may even have Laura (whom I’ve dubbed our ‘in-house psychic’) back on the podcast again!

In this episode:

  • Laura’s unique view about our thoughts, things we are receiving externally, and the inner critic  (8:10)
  • Mercury in Retrograde; what it means and how can it affect the world around us (20:27)
  • The healing power of sleep (28:32)
  • Empathetic energy, it’s possible your feelings are actually not yours (40:00)

http://yourkickasslife.com/234

 

Jun 20, 2018
Episode 233: What I've learned from 10 years of blogging
26:48

On June 12th, 2008, I published my first blog post. I had no idea I would go on to create the YKAL community I’ve since created, I just knew I loved personal development and wanted to share it with the world, or at least 5 or 6 people who might read my little blog.

A decade later, I’ve switched from “Live Your Ideal Life” to what you know now as “Your Kick-Ass Life”, wrote and published 2 books (the second being translated into 15 languages, wait, what!?), nearly 250 podcast episodes, helped thousands of women in their lives and I’ve learned a lot. Here’s some things I’ve learned just about writing alone...

      1. Writing makes you a better writer. One of the simplest pieces of advice I ever got and absolutely the truest. To be a better swimmer, you swim. To be a better kung fu fighter, you kung fu fight. Writing is the same, it’s getting your butt in the seat (unless you have a standing desk, if so, yay you!) and write. If you’re really committed, try to write every day.
      2. Write like no one is reading. This might be easy if you journal and lock it up in your safe that has 17 lock combinations on it and you’re sure no one will read it, but sometimes we are bloggers, freelance writers, and Facebook status updaters. We know people are reading and that knowing can change the way we write and express ourselves.When we do this, a little or a lot of bullshit can creep in. We start to worry about what people will think, we might skew our opinion to not seem “too much” of something, and things can go sideways, fast.If you want to write with your whole heart, if you want to tap into the innermost parts of yourself that are raw and real and uncensored, you must write like no one is reading.
      3. But also write like people are reading. I know I just gave you a heartfelt sermon on writing like no one is reading, but you have to know your audience once you create a community of readers. This lesson doesn’t apply if you’re writing with no goal in mind except to write (ie you’re not trying to build a business now or even eventually). If you want to grow your writing community, whatever that looks like, you must get to know who your best followers are. Follow your intuition, and listen to your audience at the same time.
      4. You will get criticism, even if it’s just about your grammar. A wise woman once said, “You haven’t made it until you get a hater” and “hater” being anyone from a troll to someone who criticizes your work. There’s thoughtful criticism which is basically just feedback that argues your points, opinions, or work in general, and then there’s people who are just dicks.The thing is, if you keep writing or putting your art out there, you will eventually get criticism. You’re not for everyone, and that’s okay.
      5. What you do with that criticism will set your future into motion. I wrote about this in my last book, How To Stop Feeling Like Shit, and that’s about learning to deal with criticism. I used to let it TAKE ME DOWN. I would go down the rabbit hole of “This is too hard, people are mean, THEY DON’T EVEN KNOW ME, I hate this, I’m a terrible writer, okay bye” and then maybe write a few blog post that I made sure were so vanilla and inoffensive to all people on planet Earth.What I’ve learned about this is that 1) People are allowed to have their own opinions. If you’re sharing your art on a public platform (a blog, freelance article, Facebook) you’re going to eventually get someone who disagrees with you and that’s their right. Sometimes they are kind and thoughtful about it, and sometimes they are not. 2) And when they are not, it’s your choice to engage, but arguing with someone who doesn’t have the decency to engage with kindness, and get them to like you or see your side is like trying to nail jello to the wall. It’s not going to happen and it’s terribly messy and aggravating. 3) It will still sting when people criticize your work, so feel your feelings, vent to your friends about it, forgive the person who was rude/an a-hole/just had a different opinion and do your best to move on.
      6. Your ideas, opinions and things you’re passionate about will change over time, you may even disagree with your former self. OMG the old, old blog posts I wrote. I’ve only deleted one of hundreds, but when I go back and read some of my old stuff, some of it I laugh and think, “Hey, that’s pretty clever” and some of it I cringe. I wrote through much of my eating disorder recovery, so I can watch myself getting better, like looking through old journals. Try not to be embarrassed about it, it’s just where you were at the time. Also, check out this screenshot of my very first blog.
      7.  Your parents might read your writing and then there might be some awkward conversations. Erg. Years ago-- it might have been my first year of blogging, my mom had read one of my posts and said, “Honey, don’t you think some things are better left unsaid?” And my first reaction was No. In terms of this-- this platform I have where I tell the truth about my life, the messy parts, the great parts and everything in between--I don’t think there are things I should cover up. I know what she was saying, and in her defense, she comes from a different generation where you always “put your best foot forward” and she and I are just different like that. So please know that if you write, or even podcast, you run the risk of people you care about like your family, or co-workers, neighbors, your kids, really ANYONE might read or listen to your work. Be prepared.

This whole journey has been incredible. I look forward to more decades of truth telling, and growing along side with all of you.

http://yourkickasslife.com/233

 

Jun 13, 2018
Episode 232: Big Love, Forgiveness and Compassion with Scott Stabile
54:07

This week I welcome Scott Stabile to the podcast. He is the author of the book, Big Love. I’ve been watching him from afar for a while now. I heard him on another podcast, began following him on social media, and then read his book. Scott has such an amazing and heart-wrenching story, but it is one of resilience and strength. And, I knew I just had to introduce him to you!

In this episode we talk a lot about love and forgiveness. We touch on Scott’s story, including how he evolved into being a teacher on the topic of love. Plus, we explore the topics of compassion and empathy, how small things matter, and how to show up for yourself.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Making the commitment to live our lives from love 
  • Does our life purpose really matter? 
  • The path to forgiveness is empathy 
  • Empathy, compassion and boundaries 
  • Scott explains how the writing process can be a powerful tool 

http://yourkickasslife.com/232

 

Jun 06, 2018
Episode 231: Living a More Courageous Life with Kate Courageous
42:05

Kate Courageous is back on the YKAL podcast, y’all!  She was one of my first podcast guests, way back in 2013. She is a dear friend of mine, as well, and I am thrilled she is back, this time to share her thoughts on fear, courage, and the inner-critic.  

Kate is also the author of The Courage Habit: How to Accept Your Fears, Release the Past, and Live Your Courageous Life.  I am so happy her book is available! Today, we talk all about her new book and living more courageous lives. Plus, we cover the brain science behind courage habits, and identifying and then dealing with habits that are holding you back.  

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Four fear patterns that get people stuck (4 minutes and 36 seconds)
  • Some ways we try to deal with fear (10:25)
  • The more you go into the things you fear, the wider your comfort zone becomes (17:07)
  • Reaching out and creating a community, courage-based values, and being vulnerable (22:17)
  • Fear is a wound and needs understanding and how to strike a balance with fear (34:39)

Also, did you know I’m back to doing weekly Facebook and Instagram Live videos? Join me on Thursday’s at noon Eastern time (9am Pacific) on either Instagram or Facebook as I talk about a personal development lesson (~ 10 minutes).(If you miss it, you can see archived videos on Facebook or my YouTube channel).  

http://yourkickasslife.com/231

 

May 30, 2018
Episode 230: Favorite things I use everyday
37:13

Hey ass kickers! Well, after nearly 10 years of blogging, 5 years and 228 podcast episodes, I’m FINALLY doing a favorite things episode! I tried to record both as a regular podcast episode AND video, but alas, I had an technology FAIL on the video side, so these images will have to do!

So, without further ado, here are some of my favorite things…

Misc.

Golden Girls coasters. I don’t even think I need to sell you on this one.

Hair and beauty:

Nume Curling Wand- When I do actually do my hair, I use this curling wand. I’ve had a few different ones, and this one by far is my favorite. I often get comments on my hair and on one occasion was chased down in Target by a breathless woman asking me how I got my curls.

Lush’s Sea Salt Spray-- I’ve tried several Sea Salt sprays, even a big brand name that will go unnamed, but they’ve all been a huge waste of money, until I tried Lush’s brand. The smell is amazing, it’s not sticky, and works great.

MAC Cosmetics Studio Fix-- I use the powder (BTW, that link will take you to my shade, NC30, but you probably want to go somewhere where they sell it so someone can match your skin tone). Super easy to put on (I use a brush) and I use to even out my skin tone. Add a little blush, eyebrow pencil, and mascara and I’m done.

The bralette- Two of my favorites are here and here. Great for the small to medium breasted women who don’t need a whole lot of support.

Gold bond hand cream- I feel like such a grandma with this, but… I have really dry skin and can’t stand it when my hands feel dry. I’ve tried approximately 17,000 different hand creams and this one BY FAR is my favorite. It’s not greasy (unless you use way too much), and it works, even through a hand washing. I keep the small tubes in different drawers all over my house, in my purse, and in the car.

I don’t consider myself a super techie person, but these are the apps I can’t live without AND they’re all easy to use.

Apps I use:
Audible-  Great for audiobooks! Need I say more?

Goodreads- Organize all the books you’ve read, are currently reading, and want to read. I use it especially for logging books I want to read, and reading reviews from people I know-- as it syncs with Facebook.

Voxer- I’m obsessed with this app and have been for years. It’s changed my relationship with my friends for the better! It’s a walkie talkie app that allows you to also text, send images and videos, and gifs. I also use it with my private clients.

Podcast app- Duh.

Venmo- Pay people and get paid easily with NO FEES. Super easy to set up and use. (I don’t know if I would recommend this for business, but check with your CPA.)

Insight Timer- GREAT for meditation, especially for beginners.

YogaGlo- Get access to loads of different teachers for yoga and meditation, all from the comfort of home! (Get your first two weeks of YogaGlo FREE when you sign up on YogaGlo.com/KICKASS.)

Yoga Studio- Super easy to use Yoga app. The reason I love this is the simplicity. Not a lot of choices, but just enough to get the job done.

gTasks Pro- Essential, especially if you use Google Calendar. It syncs to the “tasks” portion of your Google Cal, and is SO easy to use.

Books I love:
I Thought It Was Just Me: Making the journey from “What Will People Think” to “I am Enough.” By Brené Brown

The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go Of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are. By Brené Brown

Daring Greatly: How the Courage of Being Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead By Brené Brown

Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms The Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead By Brené Brown

Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone By Brené Brown

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-- And Keep-- Love.  Find out why you behave the way you behave in relationships and how you can fix when it’s not working. So very eye-opening!

5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts. An oldie but a goodie. Easy read and good to find out how you receive love. Great awareness to have not just in romantic relationships but friendships as well.

Facing Love Addiction: Giving yourself the power to change the way you love by Pia Mellody

Codependent No More: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself by Melody Beattie

Getting the Love You Want: A guide for couples by Harv Hendrix

Keeping the Love You Find: A personal guide by Harv Hendrix

Perfect Girls, Starving Daughters: How the Quest for Perfection is harming young women by Courtney E. Martin

You Are a Badass at Making Money: Master the mindset of wealth by Jen Sincero

Documentaries:
There are SO MANY great documentaries out there, and to be honest, I haven’t watched that many lately, but here are three that have stuck out to me immensely:

Miss Representation. Watch this with the men in your life and with your daughters (appropriate age is around 13 years old.) Then, talk about it.

The Mask You Live In. Again, watch this with the men in your life and with your sons (again, appropriate age is probably 12 or 13). Then, talk about it.

13th. This is such an important film. According to common sense media, 16 is an appropriate age for this one.

http://yourkickasslife.com/230

 

 

May 23, 2018
Episode 229: Healing From Parental Wounds, Making Peace and Moving Forward with Jeannine Yoder
45:11

This week on the YKAL podcast I am joined by Jeannine Yoder, a New York Times Featured Business & Feminine Leadership Coach For Coaches, Broadway Starlet and the Founder of Mentor Masterclass. Jeannine has such an incredible story of resilience and redemption. And you know how I love a good redemption story!  In this episode Jeannine shares how she overcame a really difficult childhood, one surrounded by drug addicted parents, chaos and trauma.

She talks openly about her path to healing, which spanned many years. Plus, she goes on to share how she ‘rose from the ashes’ and became a broadway star. Finally, she offers some of her own advice for healing the parental wound and making peace with it all.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Jeannine share in detail her childhood story and what she learned the most from her experiences (5 minutes and 58 seconds)
  • Not being a victim of circumstances, plus listening to your inner voice to empower and guide you through life decisions (11:07)
  • How to love your life with your whole being and still be healing and lessons learned from attending AA meetings with her father (16:00)
  • Becoming a broadway star; the lifestyle of an artist (19:17)
  • Jeannine’s tools and strategies for healing the mother wound (26:56)
  • The greatest way to healing your story is by telling your story (38:10)

Also, did you know I’m back to doing weekly Facebook and Instagram Live videos? Join me on Thursday’s at noon Eastern time (9am Pacific) on either Instagram or Facebookas I talk about a personal development lesson (~ 10 minutes).(If you miss it, you can see archived videos on Facebook or my YouTube channel). 

http://yourkickasslife.com/229

 

May 16, 2018
Episode 228: Getting Real About Life, Motherhood and Sobriety with Janelle Hanchett
40:23

I devoured Janelle Hanchett’s memoir, I’m Just Happy to Be Here, while I was in New York on my book tour. I could not put it down. Janelle is also the creator of the website, Renegade Mothering, and she is this week’s guest on the YKAL podcast.  In this episode Janelle and I discuss her new book and her blog which are both devoted to her take on maneuvering through life, motherhood and sobriety. We also touch on her addiction and sobriety story.

But first, I share some of my recent experiences with triathlon training. Let’s just say, it’s been more challenging than I had anticipated. I also talk about my fear of drains and how that relates to why I decided to sign up for a sprint triathlon (yes, I’m seriously afraid of drains). Which leads me to the main reason for mentioning all of this: what is one thing you are afraid of and what can you do to push yourself through it?

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • The “why” behind creating the Renegade Mothering blog (10 minutes and 48 seconds)
  • Meeting up with other moms at the park, playing the “one-upping” game and really just wanting to get real, instead (17:07)
  • In the midst of writing her book, Janelle shares an event that rocked her to the core and how that event ultimately affected how she wrote the rest of the memoir (23:12)
  • How Janelle managed sobriety through grief and how she manages it daily with a busy lifestyle (28:31)

Also, did you know I’m back to doing weekly Facebook and Instagram Live videos? Join me on Thursday’s at noon Eastern time (9am Pacific) on either Instagram or Facebook as I talk about a personal development lesson (~ 10 minutes). This week is self-forgiveness! (If you miss it, you can see archived videos on Facebook or my YouTube channel).  

http://yourkickasslife.com/228

 

May 09, 2018
Episode 227: Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child with Debbie Reber
37:49

My personal friend and colleague Debbie Reber joins me on the YKAL podcast this week. She is a mother of a differently wired child and is the podcast host of TILT Parenting. Her book, Differently Wired: Raising an Exceptional Child in a Conventional World, comes out in spring 2018, which we talk about in this episode.

As some of you may know my son was diagnosed with high-functioning autism, sensory processing disorder, and anxiety disorder, at the age of 5.  In this episode Debbie and I share some of our own experiences as parents of atypical children. Plus, we also talk about how having an exceptional child can bring up some of our own complicated and messy feelings and how we worked through them.

Whether you are a parent of an exceptional child or a parent of a neurotypical child; the topics we cover are meant to offer support and understanding for everyone, even if you don’t have children.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Why we tend to isolate when faced with the situation of having an exceptional child (3 minutes and 59 seconds)
  • Letting go of what others think about your child (atypical or not) when they go against social norms (8:39)
  • The complexities of mourning your child’s diagnosis, dealing with the loss of the vision you had for them, and giving yourself time to mourn by politely telling people to f*ck off (12:05)
  • Dealing with the expectations of parenting, with ourselves and with our children (13:31)
  • Creating space where your child can feel secure (22:47)
  • As more and more resources become available and exceptional children are being accepted in today’s society, hear Debbie’s vision and hope for the future of differently wired children (28:20)

Also, join me on Thursdays at noon eastern time (9 Pacific) LIVE on Facebook or Instagram as I share a personal growth lesson. Tomorrow’s lesson is all about complaining!

Lastly, both retreats for this year are sold out, but if you want to get on the waitlist/interest list, please sign up here.

http://yourkickasslife.com/227

May 02, 2018
Episode 226: How to Build Your Tribe with Lori Harder
38:28

This week on the YKAL podcast, I welcome back Lori Harder for the third time.  One of the things I love about Lori is that she is at a top-tier level in her business and she is simply one of the kindest people I know.  Lori has a new book coming out next week called, A Tribe Called Bliss, which I just loved and we talked about in this episode.

We also talked about building your community, creating stronger connections and how to handle friendships that have changed over time (and may no longer serve you). Plus, we touch on gossip, why it’s so important to talk about and how malicious gossip is just a cheap way to build connections.

In this episode you’ll hear

  • How Lori created a tribe of her own and some ways you can too (6 minutes and 47 seconds)
  • Collecting people can help you build connections and friends, including building your supporting cast and what that truly means (12:58)
  • Good gossip and finding a safe space with a friend to talk things through (22:18)
  • Having a conversation with a friend when the friendship has changed or may be coming to an end (26:36)
  • Creating agreements with a friend and building deeper connections (33:52)
  • Lori’s seven sacred agreements (34:46)

http://yourkickasslife.com/226

 

Apr 25, 2018
Episode 225: Owning Your Sexual Energy and Healing with Christina Dunbar
52:56

Christina Dunbar on the YKAL podcast again. I am so happy to bring her back on the podcast, because she just oozes creativity and has really dedicated her life to healing from a creative place. You can hear our first conversation about using the power of voice, here. Christina is a performing artist, poet, producer and mentor to creative women. She is also the playwright and star of Dirty Me Divine; a one-woman show about sexuality and soul, directed by husband Chaim Dunbar.

In today’s episode Christina and I explore owning your feminine sexual energy, as well as, learning how to heal shame through creative expression. Plus, we answer the question, can you truly be shameless?  Before I began my conversation with Christina, in the intro of this episode, I do my own work by sharing my own experience with surrendering and making room for success of my latest book, How To Stop Feeling Like Shit.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Why is it important to own and trust your sexual energy (12 minutes and 47 seconds)
  • The wounded female artist, defining an artist and dealing with art scars  (15:20)
  • Healing shame through art, storytelling and creative expression (23:17)
  • How to flex the muscle of the healing our inner artist (33:36)
  • Christina’s surprising revelations in herself and her in work (44:43)
  • Can we really be truly shameless? (47:22)

http://yourkickasslife.com/225

Apr 18, 2018
Episode 224: Personal Connection: Why It’s So Important with Lisa Daron Grossman
47:39

This week on the YKAL podcast, I am waaaay too excited to have my very dear friend, Lisa Daron Grossman join me. She is a phenomenal life coach (I know because she was my coach!), amazing human being, and creator of the Connection Cure Project. In this episode we discuss the Connection Cure, which is a cross country project that utilizes face to face connection as a catalyst for healing and wellness. Lisa shares how it was “born” out of chronic illness and isolation.

Plus, we discuss why it is so important that we are connected to one another now more than ever, answer whether or not some people need more connection than others and we chat about how engaging with strangers can be a good thing.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • A human engagement project born out of chronic illness and isolation (3:27)
  • Healing the body through micro moments of connection (9:26)
  • How people whom have friendships and partners can still feel massive sense of loneliness (12:15)
  • Why more than ever does it matter how we are connected? (15:47)
  • Do some of us need more connection than others? (25:38)
  • How a no judgment speakeasy in the Everglades enabled human connection (37:00)

http://yourkickasslife.com/224

 

Apr 11, 2018
Episode 223: An Honest Conversation About Body Image, Part Deux with Kate Anthony
01:13:22

My dear friend, Kate Anthony is back on the YKAL podcast this week to continue our conversation about body image. Just like in Part 1 of this episode, Part 2 follows the conversation between two women on their body image journeys, and the roads traveled so far.  Full disclosure and for clarity: We are not body image experts and want to be very clear about that.

Today, we further explore this topic and respond to some of the feedback we received from Part 1 of our conversation. We also discuss diet culture, in-depth. Join us as we awkwardly make our way through the second part of our conversation about body image.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Owning thin privilege and naming it (23 minutes and 10 seconds)
  • What is diet culture, exactly? (27:33)
  • “The lie about diet culture is that it’s healthy.” (35:28)
  • Exercise is NOT bad. Rejecting diet culture was an act of revolution and act of self-love (40:50)
  • Reflecting on our earliest memories of dieting, our mothers’ way of handling body image and how those experiences scoped our own views about our bodies and diet culture (47:23)
  • If not dieting, then what? Kate’s choice to reject dieting and how she is learning to walk through this new part of her journey (59:19)

Kate Anthony is a certified life coach who helps women decide if they should stay in or leave their marriages and then guides them through the divorce process should they choose to leave.

Kate empowers women to find their strength, passion, and confidence even in the most disempowering of circumstances and helps them move forward with concrete plans, putting their children at the center (not in the middle) of all decisions.

In addition to her certification, Kate has also trained as a relationship coach and is an expert in communication, co-parenting, and emotional intelligence.

http://yourkickasslife.com/223

Apr 04, 2018
Episode 222: Being Boss: Living Life On Your Terms with Kathleen Shannon
35:30

Hey there ass-kickers! This week on the podcast, Kathleen Shannon, co-host of Being Boss Podcast and founder of Braid Creative and Consulting, joins me to discuss her new book, Being Boss: Take Control of Your Work and Live Life on Your Own Terms.

In this episode, we talk about what it means to be “boss” and how to cultivate a boss mindset. Plus, we discuss defining values and setting boundaries that align with those values (as you know, this is one of my favorite topics!). We also touch on several topics that will put you on the path to being boss and living life on your own terms.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Core values and how the value of decisiveness can help you move forward (6:25)
  • Self trust, how is this cultivated? (10:38)
  • Defining your values, what resonates with you and your story (12:27)
  • How do we reevaluate our relationship with money? (13:24)
  • Inner critic, internal freak-outs and surrounding yourself with your post-it note people (21:42)
  • Thinking from your heart and how is this different than thinking from your brain (25:36)

Kathleen Shannon is the founder of Braid Creative and Consulting, a boutique branding agency and consultancy she co-owns with her sister. She also does creative coaching and is regularly invited to speak on personal branding at design conferences and retreats. She lives in Oklahoma City with her husband and son.

http://yourkickasslife.com/222

 

Mar 28, 2018
Episode 221: An Honest Conversation About Body Image with Kate Anthony
01:00:30

My dear friend Kate Anthony joins me on the podcast this week. Kate is a certified life coach who helps women decide if they should stay in or leave their marriages and then guides them through the divorce process should they choose to leave. She is amazing at what she does!

Prior to our podcast recording, we had planned on talking about a very specific topic. And then what unfolded was more akin to an open and honest conversation between two women, two friends, in their 40s talking about body image (trigger warning - we touch on eating disorders). We also discuss how our body image has changed and evolved over the years, the pitfalls we’ve experienced and more. This is not your typical episode which gets wrapped up with a pretty bow at the end. But neither does life, the journey is always evolving and changing.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Two friends plan to dance like nobody's watching, while in workout clothes (11 minutes and 23 seconds)
  • Body comparison, cellulite, and managing your inner-critic (21:06)
  • Views on exercising, including some reasons why we push it away, plus body shaming in the self-help industry (27:33)
  • Being deliberate with rejecting diet culture (30:01)
  • Hitting rock bottom, Kate’s experience with an eating disorder and working through it (39:21)
  • Being intentional with body image beliefs and behaviors in order to be a better role model for our children, body shaming and cultural taboos (46:07)

http://yourkickasslife.com/221

 

Mar 21, 2018
Episode 220: Money and Relationships: It’s Not Always About The Money with Bari Tessler
58:07

Hi ass-kickers! Following February’s month-long daily diary episodes, we are back with guest interviews and our regularly scheduled programming. Today, I have an amazing guest with me, Bari Tessler. Bari is a financial therapist and mentor coach. She is also the founder of The Art of Money: a global, year-long money school, which integrates Money Healing, Money Practices and Money Maps.

No matter what economic class you were born into or what class you are in now, money-shaming exists. Bari talks about how money shaming affects our ability to reach our goals. Plus, we touch on money stories, your relationship with money and how money can affect your relationship with your partner or spouse (and what to do about it).

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Bari’s relationship to money and her own money story (5 minutes and 20 seconds)
  • The origins of our money stories and savers versus spenders (9:43)
  • Bari’s body check-in tip to help you build a better relationship with money, she calls it the anecdote to money shame (22:08)
  • How to connect with your partner on a deeper level, starting with “money dates” (29:35)
  • When one partner makes more money, how that affects control, personal value and worth (42:03)

Bari Tessler Linden, MA, is a Financial Therapist, Mentor Coach and Mama-preneur. Bari’s gentle, body-centered approach weaves together personal, couple, and creative entrepreneurial money teachings into one complete tapestry. She is the founder of The Art of Money: a global, year-long money school, which integrates Money Healing, Money Practices and Money Maps. Her work has been featured on Oprah.com, Inc.com, and the Huffington Post and in US News & World Report, Reuters Money, The Fiscal Times, REDBOOK Magazine, Experience Life Magazine, Yogi Times, Best Self Magazine and Emerging Women. Bari is also the author of The Art of Money: A Life-Changing Guide to Financial Happiness, published by Parallax Press.

http://yourkickasslife.com/220

Mar 14, 2018
Episode 219: Free worksheet from this week’s lessons!
12:14

Phew! We made it! Thank you so much for coming along with me for these daily dairies. It’s been so fun to put these together and thank you so much for your positive feedback (ask them for rating/review). I have a worksheet for you this week! As you know, personal development is about doing the work, not just consuming it.

This week has been a mish-mosh of stories, all with their own lessons. Monday I told you the story of a dear friendship I had that had fallen apart and recently come back together.

Tuesday was about my daughter and her baby bunny videos, and how they made her absolutely weep. And how amazing it was to watch her and how grateful I was that she allowed me to do it with her.

Wednesday was about the ladybug infestation in my home office and how I’ve been watching what seems like their instincts to get outside, even though it’s not working for them. I have some questions for you if you might be doing this in your own life.

Then on Thursday, I told you a story about ego, failing, and perspective. All in wrapped up in one short story.   

So many lessons! When you download the worksheet, feel free to answer all the questions, or pick the ones that are feeling very present in your life. Don’t feel like you have to do them all just to check off the boxes ;) These worksheets are for gaining awareness so you can see what you might need to work on.

Click here to download the worksheet

***************************

P.S. I have something exciting I’ve been cooking up. I know many of you are familiar with the work of Brené Brown and know I’m a certified Daring Way™ Facilitator since 2014. I’m thinking of doing a Daring Way weekend retreat in August. If you think it might be something you’d like to do, go to this link and sign up to be notified when I open applications. There is NO obligation to sign up by doing this, I just first want to get a feel for how much interest is out there! Thank you! 💜

http://yourkickasslife.com/219

 

Mar 02, 2018
Episode 218: Sometimes we jump and the net doesn’t appear
14:24

This is a story about ego, feeling like a failure for 2 hot seconds, doing the work, and about perspective.

Portland Oregon was the 4th of 5 cities on my book tour. My friend, Bari Tessler had recommended this book store, Annie Bloom’s, telling me how awesome it was and that when she had her book signing there, she had 50 people in attendance. Bari and I have about the same size audience so I thought this was completely feasible and we booked the event there.

I was really excited about this one because one of my long-time clients was driving down from Seattle and a colleague I’ve known forever online was coming too. Plus, three additional colleagues had RSVP’ed and I was all around excited. The Facebook event told me 17 people had said YES and 74 were interested. I was expecting a great crowd!

The bookstore had set up about 25 chairs and as the time got closer, there were 8 amazing people in attendance. Two of them were the lady I was renting an Airbnb from and her friend. Those 3 additional colleagues I mentioned weren’t there.  

Obviously it wasn’t a total failure. If I went down the rabbit-hole of compare and despair to Bari’s event, well, yes, but I did my best not to go there. The people in attendance were AMAZING and I know this is part of putting yourself out there. Sometimes it doesn’t go as we planned. Sometimes we jump and the net doesn’t appear and we have to deal with all the feelings around it.

When the event was over, I was chatting with my friend Amy Pearson. I was telling her how awesome it was to get to meet people in person and also that I was a bit disappointed to see so many empty seats. And Amy said, “Really?! I thought this was a great turnout. I’m totally impressed.”

Well, how do you like that for perspective?

Sometimes we let our egos get in the way and that’s okay. Just notice.

And sometimes we feel like a failure. That’s okay too, just don’t stay there. Realize it’s just a story your brain/inner-critic made up.

Lastly, sometimes it’s all about perspective. What may not be great to you, may be great to someone else. It’s good sometimes to take that into consideration.

**********************************

I have something exciting I’ve been cooking up. I know many of you are familiar with the work of Brené Brown and know I’m a certified Daring Way Facilitator since 2014. I’m thinking of doing a Daring Way weekend retreat in August. Go to this link to sign up to be notified when I open applications soon. There’s no obligation, but I’d love to get a feel for how much interest is out there! Thank you!

http://yourkickasslife.com/218

 

Mar 01, 2018
Episode 217: Saving the ladybugs
08:28

Since we bought our house in North Carolina, every winter I have a minor ladybug infestation in my home office. They gather on the inside of my window and crawl around, trying to get out.

Now, I don’t know hardly anything about ladybugs (except they are the only bug I feel comfortable holding, I know, so weird and judgy against other bugs), but I wonder if they instinctively know what to do as they try to get outside and free themselves. And they try and try,  but are trapped.

So, every year around this time I do my best to gather them up. Because if I don’t, they die trying to get outside, and then there are dead ladybug carcasses under my desk and that’s just not good for morale around here. (Even though my only co-worker is my dog).

And mostly, I succeed in this. I get my empty coffee mug, or sometimes just my bare hands and gather up about a half-dozen at a time and take them outside. LADYBUGS, BE FREE! I shout. It’s kind of exciting.

And the weird thing is some of them don’t want to be saved. Or rather, they aren’t convinced my way is the way out. If I don’t cover them up one or two will jump out of the cup and fly back on the window, even though they’ve been crawling around there for hours, sometimes more than a day and it’s NOT WORKING.

So, do you do this?

What is it that YOU instinctively know what to do? Is there something you know you need to do, maybe even someone is trying to help you, but you keep going back to trying the thing that isn’t working?

If so, I invite you to get honest with yourself. Journal about it. Or, even just admit it out loud to yourself or to someone you trust. You, just like the ladybugs, deserve to be free from whatever is trapping you.

************************

If you’re someone who feels like she keeps crawling around the window and nothing is changing, just like the ladybugs in my office, you may want to check out the private work I do with women. I facilitate The Daring Way™, based on the work and research of Dr. Brené Brown and it is absolutely life changing. Click here to read about it and apply.

http://yourkickasslife.com/217

Feb 28, 2018
Episode 216: baby bunnies and what they have to do with you.
09:17

A couple months ago my daughter walked into my office holding the iPad and crying. My first thought was a bit of panic-- what had she stumbled upon that had so clearly upset her?

I opened my arms and asked her what was wrong. She climbed into my lap and showed me the iPad. On it was a video of a baby bunny. “Oh noooo” I thought. “She watched an animal cruelty video” and I braced myself for it.

But, that wasn't it. As I watched the video with her, it was a person holding a baby bunny in their hand. Then, they pet the tiny bunny. Then, another bunny. Then, a group a little bunnies. And all the while we watched this, my daughter didn’t just cry, she wept.

“Honey, why are you crying?” I asked her.

“They’re just so cute, mama. They’re so cute and I love them so much.” Weeping. Just weeping.

And I let her weep. I held her and we watched more baby bunny videos, then some newborn puppy videos, where she wept some more.

And it got me thinking, how often to we let it all in like that? How often to we let all the feelings in, let all the cute baby bunnies in and just feel it? And if we do, how often to we invite other people in to be with us in that? My hope is that my daughter, only eight years old, will continue to come to me in her joys, her sorrows, and everything in between to not only tell me about it, but to allow me to witness her feelings-- as uncomfortable as it may be for me sometimes. It’s an honor for me and for anyone who let’s me in on their experience.

And my hope is that you do too. That you find the courage within you to let all those cute baby bunny feelings in, feel it, and that you can find the courage to let someone witness it.

http://yourkickasslife.com/216

 

Feb 27, 2018
Episode 215: I felt like I had dug up a dead body
22:04

In episode 203 I mentioned a friend of mine where she had broken up with me in 2007 when I had all that drama in my life. I’m circling back in this episode to tell you what happened. Here’s a quick timeline:

2007: She told me she needed a break from me, as her mom was ill and I had too much drama. She was right, but it was still devastating.
2008: My life was back on track, her mom was well again, and we were friends again.
2011: We moved and we lost touch somewhat.
2012: I wrote her a three-page letter making amends to her for what I had known and remembered I had done wrong in our friendship. I also told her how much I missed her and that I would love to have her friendship again. She emailed me, acknowledging my letter and accepting my apology. She asked if we could catch up via email first. She told me a bit about what was going on in her life, I replied and did the same. Then, nothing. I followed up with another email, and nothing.

I was devastated. I wrote about this in my book, how I never knew what happened. I agonized over what I said in the email, thinking I had said something wrong. I did a lot of work on letting it all go.

October 2017: I never, ever check my “other” messages on Facebook. It’s usually creepy marriage proposals, but for some reason, I felt compelled to check. Lo and behold, there’s a message from my friend. She said hello, said she’s been thinking of me, asked how I was, and said she hoped me, the kids and Jason are well.

I felt like someone had punched me in the face.

It felt like a long-lost boyfriend whom I was in love with that had dumped me and then was circling back with a casual, hi! How are you? I had done all this work to forgive myself, to forgive her, to let her go and here she was again. Like digging up a dead body.

I replied a couple of days later and told her I would be in San Diego in January and did she want to meet up? I tried my best to not hold onto any outcomes that I wanted, but I knew I couldn't have this casual, blasé relationship. We made plans to have lunch.

I also think part of why her and that friendship held so much weight and emotion was because she was there when the ship went down for me. “I watched you weather so much then, my heart broke for you over and over again.” She said.

I knew I was walking into discomfort and comfort at the same time. Someone who knew me then. Someone who genuinely loved me and had been through her own growth over the last decade too. Someone who was willing to hear everything I had to say and was willing to say all the hard things she felt too.

The three hour lunch was incredibly healing for both of us. She told the story of losing her mom in 2016 and I told her about losing my dad. We talked about motherhood and marriage and laughed about things we hadn’t thought about in ten years. I told her how hard it was for me to get her email last October, that I was still so afraid to let her back in. She apologized, telling me in 2012 when she never replied to my email, she wasn’t sure she was ready to let me back in, but didn’t have the words to talk to me about it. So, she backed away quietly.

Our friendships can hold as much emotion and break our hearts just like our romantic relationships can. It’s imperative that we honor that-- whether the person circles back like my friend did or they don’t.

I never would have thought it would turn out how it did. But, I guess when you surrender the Universe sometimes hands you what you need.

LAST DAY TO REGISTER FOR RAISE HELL

At this point, you’ve been hearing me talk about Raise Hell for at least a week now. Today is the drop-dead last day to register. Raise Hell is a 4-month online program that will take you from a place of auto-pilot and not knowing where to start (or go next) to a place of clarity, action steps, and accountability. You’ll walk away with tools and strategies to set boundaries with kindness and courage, figure out and implement what “life balance” looks like for you, and more foundational skills. I’d love to have you join us, and there are many women ready to get started and who are ready to welcome you! Click here to join us.

http://www.yourkickasslife.com/215

 

Feb 26, 2018
Episode 214: Your manifesto
11:43

This week I talked about some pretty heavy stuff. At least it was heavy for me. Monday I talked about tolerations and shared with you some experiences that a couple of my past clients had had, as well as myself. Tolerating relationships that aren’t working for us and our decisions that followed.

Tuesday was about apologizing. Or, rather what I call “roundabout apologizing”-- prefacing requests or hard conversations with the message of, “please don’t think badly of me for asking you to do this”.

Then on Wednesday was the story about the Over the Line tournament, and me being humiliated by a stranger in front of people. And how that humiliation turned to anger, which turned to rage, what I did with it then and what I do with it now.

Yesterday I read you a poem. True confession, after I read that poem I had planned to do a Facebook live, but I needed a break. My whole body was saying no, and I felt like I just needed to be still, burn some sage, and honor what I needed. That was a doozy for me and like I was talking about in the first week of the daily diaries, upleveling.

Over the last couple of weeks I’ve created worksheets for you to be able to do the work in your own life. And this week I’ve decided to do something different. First and foremost, I’m inviting you to join me in Raise Hell. If you’ve been reading these emails (listening to these episodes) and they resonate with you, Raise Hell is probably the perfect next step for you to help you get ot the next level of your growth and your life. Everything I’ve been talking about over the last 3 weeks points to what we’ll be learning, discussing and claiming in Raise Hell.

Second, I invite you to create a personal manifesto. A manifesto is a written statement declaring your intentions, motives, or views. It can be as long or as short as you want it to be. I’ve created some prompts for you below. You don’t have to answer all of them, but use these as a guide.

I believe…
I stand for…
I am most passionate about…
I am on this planet to…
I was born in this time and space so that I can …
I will love myself by…
I have the courage to…
I will take action on…
The status quo I want to disrupt is…
What matters to me right now is…
What I know for sure is…

I’d love for you to tag me on Instagram (@yourkickasslife) and post your manifesto! I can’t wait to see what you come up with!

RAISE HELL IS OPEN! This 4-month online program is part course, part support group, part accountability group, and all around adventure that will take you from autopilot in your life, to taking action on the life you want. This is its pilot round, so there is an introductory price and tomorrow is the last day to grab that early-bird offer! Click here to join us. Get the tools you need to claim your life, set boundaries, and let go of things that aren’t serving you anymore.

We start next week!

http://yourkickasslife.com/214

 

Feb 23, 2018
Episode 213: My resignation.
15:44

Dear World,

I’m resigning today.

Resigning from the job I was given to make you happy and comfortable.

I don’t remember even applying for this job, but nonetheless, it was handed to me.

Somehow, somewhere, a story was bestowed on me and my fellow females.

That we have a job that is an ever so important one.

That job has many rules and responsibilities.

A short list of the musts:

We must smile.

We must be pretty.

We must be thin.

We must be compliant.

And the must nots:

We must not get angry.

We must not age disgracefully (whatever that means)

We must not use foul language.

We must not show too much cleavage.

We must not share our opinions too forcefully and if we do dare share them, they should not offend anyone nor be disagreeable.

And if we MUST say no, we must explain ourselves, apologize, and do whatever deems necessary to make the other person feel as comfortable as possible with our no.

As I turn in my resignation, I have three words for your rules.

Fuck. That. Shit.

Because I’m done.

These rules have been for you.

These rules have morphed me into an unrecognizable rag doll that serves no purpose except to make you comfortable.

These are not my rules.

World, do you know what abiding by these rules has done?

Let me paint you a picture.

When I was 16 I was pinned down on a beach, sand in my hair,

While a boy I was on a date with forced open my pants,

Shoving his hand down my underwear.

When I told him no and to get off of me,

He said he thought that’s what I wanted because I had let him kiss me.

I liked him and with his obvious frustration I felt guilty and wrong for my decision to say no.

He took me home and on Monday at school, I heard the boys laughing and “prick tease!”--

Yelled through the hallways at me while people stopped and stared and whispered.

I learned that day if I didn’t follow the rules, if I dared say no, there would be consequences.

When I was 17 my boyfriend shoved my head down to his crotch as I suppose--

An unspoken invitation to give him a blow job.

I wanted to say no.

I didn’t.

I hated him while I did it.

But, I didn’t want him to be mad at me.

I knew how it went if I said no.

When I was 20, I found myself laying under a guy I barely knew,

Saying the word “no” over and over again as he continued to undress me.

I could have pushed him off me,

I could have said no more forcefully,

But having known the rules, I worried he would get angry,

Call me names, or worse, fight back.

So, I relented to his advances and had sex with him even though every being in my body screamed no.

Even though I acted like I enjoyed it, hoping that would help move things along.

Even though I hated myself while it happened.

All in order to make him comfortable and follow the rules.

When it was over I sobbed and ran to a pay phone to call someone to pick me up.

I knew how it went if I said no.

This went on for another decade.

Saying yes to men I didn’t want to,

All in order to please them,

To make them comfortable,

To put their feelings before mine.

To not emasculate them,

To allow them to use my body as they so pleased.

And this isn’t just about sex.

It’s about everything we’re asked to do.

We all fist pump when we hear “No is a complete sentence”,

But how many of us do it.

When we're faced with the choices of saying no with no explanation,

Or saying no while apologizing,

Thinking how we’ll make it up to them,

Over-explaining our reasons,

And praying to god they don’t get mad at us or have their feelings hurt... we chose the latter.

Because according to the rules: Just a no isn’t good enough.

According to the rules, Only bitches say no as a complete sentence.

Well, world.

I’d rather be a bitch than go against who I am as a human being.

I’d rather be a bitch than let someone shove my face into their dick.

I’d rather be a bitch than give in to sex while tears stream down my face and into my ears, Staring at the ceiling, counting to 100 hoping he finishes quickly.

(Long pause)

My daughter is 7 years old.

No one told me when I was growing up that I didn’t have to follow those rules.

No one told me that I could grow up and say no.

Without apologizing.

Without agonizing.

Without explaining.

Without making up for it.

And I’ll be honest, World,

It feels weird walking away from this job.

I’ve had it my whole life and it feels like trying to wipe my skin off.

Something that’s a part of me that I’m terrified to let go of but if I keep this job

I’ll go crazy.

So, with that, I resign.

RAISE HELL IS OPEN FOR REGISTRATION!

Raise Hell, the 4-month online program is open for registration. Join me and a group of amazing women as we break down barriers. What that looks like is values-based hell raising-- you getting clear on what’s important about the way you live your life and taking action on it. It’s about you learning how to set boundaries and have hard conversations. It’s about you letting go of the messaging and old patterns of thought about who you think you need to be and making room for who you want to be. Guided by me, we have weekly video calls, and built-in accountability. We start next week. Click here to join us.


http://yourkickasslife.com/213

Feb 22, 2018
Episode 212: That time I was humiliated in public by a stranger
15:41

It was the mid-90’s.

A small group of friends and I went to the annual Over The Line tournament in San Diego, one of the city’s oldest traditions. OTL is known for its drunkenness, topless women, and just all-around debauchery. Some call it “Mardi Gras on the beach”. Hundreds, maybe thousands of people come out for this yearly event every summer and even though it was my first time going, I wasn’t afraid at all of the craziness we were walking into.

My friends and I walked around, watched some of the teams play, and as the games wound down for the day, started to make our way towards the wide road which would take us to the main parking lot. Along that road were peoples’ Van’s and RV’s. Many of the RV’s had people hanging out around them and on top of them.

As we continued to walk, I heard a man shout from about 30 feet away. “Hey you in the white shirt!” I looked up to the top of the RV and a good-looking guy about 25 or 30 was pointing at me. We made eye contact. He said, “You have a nice smile!” I smiled at him. He continued, “I’d like to cum all over it.”

Laughter erupted. Time stood still for me. “What a dick!” one of my friends yelled. We kept walking. No one spoke of it again.

I sometimes wonder what happened to him. The guy at the over the line tournament. The guy that used me to make himself look cool. The guy that I assume never thought twice of what he shouted to me and probably so many other women. I wonder if now, twenty plus years later he is the father of daughters. I wonder if he looks back on his youth and regrets some things he did and said. I wonder if he gives a shit.

Because for me, my humiliation turned into anger and then turned into rage. Rage for my humiliation. Rage for the discomfort it caused all the people that saw and heard it. Rage for all the women who saw it who wanted to say something but couldn’t. Rage for all the women who saw it who didn’t care. Rage for the part of me who stayed silent. Rage for the fact that if I did say anything, it wouldn’t have really mattered. Rage for the fact that I knew this. Rage for all the times I had in fact shouted something back in retaliation only to met with something worse. Rage for the notion that “that’s what you get when you go to the Over The Line tournament”. Rage for living in a world where “that’s just how it is.”

My rage wasn’t expressed that day. I stuffed it away with all the other emotions I didn’t know what to do with. I lashed out at my then-boyfriend. I gave the middle finger to any and all cat-calls I received. I was aggressive and was quick to be mean.

And it wasn’t just him. It was years of sexual harassment, having my ass grabbed uninvited more times than I can possibly count, being cornered at parties and being afraid while I looked for an exit or a friend, being followed to my car, and being met with “that’s just how it is.”

What does one do with that much rage?

I look back on my behaviors that I’m not proud of and I know why. It came from a lifetime of feeling helpless. Of feeling like I don’t matter. Being told that’s just how it is, or worse, feeling like it was my fault.

So, what do you do with that much rage?

You name it. I used to be afraid to tell people I was that angry. So, I’m saying now, I was that angry. Still angry, but I don’t let it drive.

I also tell the story. It helps me process and be heard. And I write about it like I’m doing now.

I’m angry it happened, but I don’t feel rage anymore. I’ve forgiven that guy and all the others. I hope now they know...but that’s not for me to seek out or give too much thought. I can also raise my son to understand that behaviors like that are unacceptable to do to other human beings, and to call it out when he sees it.

So, with that, I ask you: What do you do with your anger? If you have rage, what do you do with that?

RAISE HELL IS OPEN FOR REGISTRATION!

Raise Hell, the 4-month online program is open for registration. Join me and a group of amazing women as we break down barriers. What that looks like is values-based hell raising-- you getting clear on what’s important about the way you live your life and taking action on it. It’s about you learning how to set boundaries and have hard conversations. It’s about you letting go of the messaging and old patterns of thought about who you think you need to be and making room for who you want to be. Guided by me, we have weekly video calls, and built-in accountability. We start next week. Click here to join us.

http://www.yourkickasslife.com/212

 

Feb 21, 2018
Episode 211: Do you do this too?
10:41

This week has a bit of a theme, and that’s about Raising Hell. What I mean by that, is that culturally, we, as women, have been taught to act and behave a certain way, a way that is acceptable and a way that will have us be more well-liked. And not necessarily outwardly taught to be a certain way by our parents and mentors, but taught by what we see on a daily basis. This is messaging we’ve received our whole lives. And one of those things is apologizing.

For instance, a few months ago I had to email someone who's not following through on their commitments and making my job harder. This person would fall off in the middle of an email conversation, and not answer questions I had. But, then start a new email telling me something or asking me questions. I even asked this person if there is another way we can do things to make our communication work better. They said no and things continue to fall through the cracks.

I knew this was going to be an uncomfortable conversation, but I called on my courage and started an email where I was going to tell this person how I felt and be clear that I needed a solution. In drafting the email I found myself typing, "I'm not trying to be a diva about this..." and I stopped myself. I’m sure we’ve all either said this or emailed this. It might also look like, "I'm sorry to seem like a pain-in-the-ass..." or "Forgive me if this sounds overbearing..."

This is what I call "roundabout apologizing".

Raise your hand if you have done this? I've less and less said "Sorry", when I don’t need to be, but still the "I'm not trying to be blah blah..." In other words: PLEASE DON'T THINK I'M AGGRESSIVE, A BITCH, HARD TO WORK WITH, DEMANDING, ETC. The risk is more than just someone having this opinion-- the risk is that I could get a reputation for being this way.

I edited my email to be kind, but still clear that I feel this person is not doing their job. Some people might think I'm a diva, or demanding, or whatever. But, I'm at the point where it hurts worse to apologize for something I don't need to apologize for than to risk being seen as whatever they make up I am.

My challenge for you is to think about where you do this too. Just get curious and watch for it. I understand that in some situations, your job depends on you keeping the peace. And, maybe just having what I’ve talked about in this post run through your head will help you think about speaking up more in meetings, in your partnerships, and friendships. Whether you have an idea about something, you need something to change, or anything at all where the words need to move out of your mouth, or even in an email. I hope you consider having a throwdown with the old messaging we’ve come so used to having. Or even if you just get curious about it. Either way, it’s an act of raising hell.

Raise Hell, the 4-month online program is open for registration. Join me and a group of amazing women as we break down barriers. What that looks like is values-based hell raising-- you getting clear on what’s important about the way you live your life and taking action on it. It’s about you learning how to set boundaries and have hard conversations. It’s about you letting go of the messaging and old patterns of thought about who you think you need to be and making room for who you want to be. Guided by me, we have weekly video calls, and built-in accountability. We start next week. Click here to join us.

http://yourkickasslife.com/211

 

Feb 20, 2018
Episode 210: What are you tolerating?
15:35

Last year I had a few clients who were dealing with some “man problems”. In a nutshell, dating men who were unavailable to them. One was having a relationship with a married man, the other was on again-off again dating someone who had made it clear to her he didn’t want to commit.

Both were in a pickle. This is what they were used to, it was their pattern. Whether the men were physically unavailable for the long term (married), or emotionally unavailable, these women just kept picking the wrong partners.

Much science has gone into why we pick certain people. My favorite book on this is “Getting the Love You Want” by Harv Hendrix. Other interesting ones are “Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment”   and really there are just too many good books on this topic to mention.

But, what I want to focus on today is not just who they were picking-- which I think for many of us is an unconscious thing that happens-- but more specifically, what they were tolerating when they were already IN the relationship and knew their partner wasn’t good for them.

Because so many of us have been there, right?

Personally, I can vividly remember sitting in my therapist's office with my ex-husband who at that time was still my boyfriend. We were in our mid-twenties and he was not ready to settle down. He would regularly stay out all night, roll home drunk at 6 am when I never knew if he was off screwing someone else or dead in a ditch somewhere (turns out he was screwing someone else throughout the majority of our relationship. Many, many someone else's). After years of this and other disrespectful behavior towards me and many months of therapy, my therapist said to me, “Andrea, I don’t think he’s ready to  change. You can either learn to tolerate it or leave.” He was sitting right there and he didn’t argue with her. We all knew it was the truth.

I knew what I was tolerating. I chose the scraps of the relationship over me. I chose the marriage and the possibility of our future children together over my personal growth. I chose the inkling of potential I saw in him over my own self-respect.

My two clients who were staying in those relationships had different circumstances, but were both tolerating bullshit. They were settling for crumbs. In our work together, we got to the bottom of why they were doing it (helpful, but not always necessary), and why they kept repeating the same pattern. They got clear on what they actually wanted and clear that they weren’t getting it from the men they were dating.

I remember a scene from an episode in Sex In The City when Carrie is asking Mr. Big to “tell her she’s ‘the one’” and he can’t say it to her. If you’ve ever been in a relationship like that you know it was so much more than just him saying it. The agony on her face when he stands there awkwardly and the fact that she can barely look him in the face says so much. It’s so hard for me to watch that scene because Sarah Jessica Parker’s face say so much: I know you can’t commit to me, I know I’ve been tolerating it all, and I know I need to say goodbye to you.

And I remember watching that scene in 1998-- five years into my own relationship where I was tolerating crumbs and wishing I had the courage she did. To follow my gut and say no. To love myself and walk away. I didn’t.

But, my clients did. They both got the courage to say goodbye, and love themselves enough to walk away.

Raise Hell, the 4-month online program is open for registration, my 4-month online program and one of the 4 modules is...TOLERATIONS. It may not be a relationship you’re tolerating that isn’t working. Maybe it’s work demands, or your inner-critic, or your own neglect for exercise. Whatever you’re tolerating, I’ve created curriculum to help you get to the bottom of it, support with action and helping you choose what works for you (no overly-high expectations!), and accountability. Because it’s so much better to do it with loving people who are in your corner cheering for you and being a soft place to land.

I hope you join us. Click here to do so.

http://yourkickasslife.com/210

 

Feb 19, 2018
Episode 209: When I was told to “stop pussyfooting around”
11:28

On Monday, episode 205 I talked about making peace with unfinished business. The old parts of ourselves that may still need something like healing, processing, something to help us move on.

On Tuesday, it was about when I went to visit my boyfriend in rehab and his fake cancer, and him cheating on me with Debbie and mostly that episode was about finding your motivation. Your catalyst for change. That post and episode was quite a doozy!

Wednesday was all about the stories we make up about other people that we think “have their shit together”. People we put on a pedestal, people we think are better than we are.

Thursday, episode 208 was about trying to figure out what it meant by “my life had become unmanageable”. (Spoiler alert if you haven’t listened: it’s about boundaries, emotions and communication.)

Just like last week, I have a worksheet for that pertains to all the posts from this week, but first a bonus lesson! And it comes in the form of a story...

Last November I sat on a video conference call with my Mastermind ladies. It’s a peer group of other coaches that support one another. Every month we meet and bring a topic we’d love support on. That cold November day I started with, “Okay, I’m about to introduce a new course to my audience, I really feel like it’s been in the making for ten years and is the baby of Your Kick-Ass Life-- the course that I was meant to teach. And I’m so scared.”

Truth be told: I was afraid of teaching something that veered away from some of the deeper things I’ve been teaching over the last three years. Afraid to go back to basics. I was expressing my fear that my audience wouldn’t care enough about the topics. And when something means a lot to me, the acceptance of it matters.

In other words, I felt like it was a huge risk.

The thing about this program is that I had a download about it. It felt like the idea was dropped in my lap and there have only been a handful of things I’ve been this excited about since the birth of YKAL in 2010.

But, I kept thinking...
What if people read the info page and say…meh.
What if people say no?
What if it tanks?
What if my download was wrong?

Now, I’ve gotten past a lot of fear in my life. I’ve looked at fear, laughed at fear, studied fear...I feel like I have a pretty good idea of what it looks like in my life and can deal with it. But, what I know for sure, is the more passionate we are about things, the more we believe in them, the more we LOVE something, the more vulnerable we feel.

So, as I ranted about this new course to my colleagues, Samantha asked me, “What does your audience love the most about you, Andrea?” And I said without hesitation, “They love that I tell the truth.” To which she replied, “Then stop pussyfooting around and tell them the truth.”

This is why support is so important. In chapter two of How To Stop Feeling LIke Shit, I talk about the importance of your compassionate witnesses, the people who will hear your struggle and respond with compassion. And then there are the friends who see your brilliance and your fear and turn your head towards the brilliance. The friends who will not tolerate you succumbing to your fear. Who are those people to you? Do you have them, but need to tell them how you would love to be supported? Do you not have them and need to take action on nurturing those relationships? Who are the people who know you best and will hold you to your dreams?

As far as the program I mentioned, that program is Raise Hell. A 4-month online program that is part course, part support group, part accountability group, and all around adventure that will take you from autopilot in your life, to taking action on the life you want. This is its pilot round, so there is an introductory price. It opens TODAY, February 16th. Now, if you are in my How To Stop Feeling Like Shit book club, you’ve already heard about this and many of you have already joined. WELCOME!

And if you’re ready to jump into the worksheet, you can do so below...

Click here to download the free worksheet of journaling prompts all about this week’s episodes.

And hey, you don’t have to do all the prompts. Any training or free course or even paid course I offer, for some can feel overwhelming. You have enough to feel overwhelmed about, your personal development doesn’t need to be added to that list. But, I also want you to watch out if that’s your fear talking, or you wanting to stay within your comfort zone. Doing the work will have elements of feeling uncomfortable and overwhelming. It’s not an easy-breezy journey. So, I invite you to push yourself out of your comfort zone and at the same time take care of yourself.

http://yourkickasslife.com/209

 

Feb 16, 2018
Episode 208: My life had become unmanageable
11:14

I know many of you who listen to this podcast are sober in recovery, some of you are thinking about it, and many of you are normal drinkers or even non drinkers who don’t have a problem with alcohol. What I’m about to talk about is based on a saying from the “rooms of recovery”, but does not mean it only applies to us alcoholics. I believe it can apply to everyone.

I want to talk about the term “my life had become unmanageable” and it comes from the first of twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous:

  1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

And to be honest, I always had a problem with the whole “life had become unmanageable” part because mine hadn’t. I had a great job I loved, a good marriage, two great kids, friends, and life was pretty good. Someone explained to me that it was my spirituality that had become unmanageable and that didn’t seem right either. I mean, sure, I had moved away from spirituality when I was drinking, but still. It was also explained to me that it was that my “insides” had become unmanageable, not my “outsides”. And since I had had the emotional shit kicked out of me in 2006, I for sure knew what it felt like to have my “insides” unmanageable. I felt like I had healed a good deal from that time in my life and didn’t feel as “unmanageable” when I got sober five years later as I had back then.

In terms of being in recovery, not being able to “fit”  into that, made me feel like my bottom wasn’t low enough and maybe I DID need to wait until my life was unmanageable to get sober-- my insides AND my outsides. (And that’s not a good place to be in terms of our thinking when we are newly sober!) I continued to ask people about this, people tried to explain it to me in their own way, and it never seemed to feel like it applied to my life. Until…

I had a few years of sobriety and I realized how shit my boundaries were. And in the first couple years I realized how emotionally illiterate I was and that I had a lot to learn in terms of communication.

“Ohhh, so it’s my relationships, emotions and boundaries that had become unmanageable.” I realized. I finally understood what it meant in my life.

And again, you don’t have to be alcoholic, or a love addict, or an anything addict to have all that feel unmanageable. Feelings and emotions are crazy-tough sometimes and numbing out becomes easier. Boundaries seem impossible so people-pleasing and blaming become your go-to. Communication? No one taught us, so we don’t fight fair, we don’t own our stuff, and tend to be passive aggressive.

Honestly, that’s why I wrote my last book. Everything I just mentioned was woven in, but what I want to make clear in this post is that some of the hardest and best work we will do in our lives, yes of course is the work we do on ourselves, but is also the work we’ll do with the people we love the most. The people we’re in relationships with. We have emotional attachments with them and have emotional transactions with them. If we don’t know how to communicate in a way that makes us proud, our lives can feel unmanageable. If we don’t know how to set boundaries and have hard conversations, again, our lives can feel unmanageable.

Tomorrow, all these lessons I’ve been talking about all week come together and I’ve put a worksheet with journaling prompts together for you.

Lastly, tomorrow, registration is open for Raise Hell. A 4-month online program that is part course, part support group, part accountability group, and all around adventure that will take you from autopilot in your life, to taking action on the life you want. This is its pilot round, so there is an introductory price.

I believe when a woman sits down to decide what she wants and what’s she’s willing to do, and then stands up to declare it, commits to it and asks for help, when women come together in solidarity to change their lives for the better and not put up with other people and the world's shit, that is an act of raising hell. Stay tuned for tomorrow!

http://yourkickasslife.com/208

 

Feb 15, 2018
Episode 207: Which one of these have you shared?
12:59

If you follow me online (listen to this podcast), you probably also read a good amount of self-help books. Maybe books like:

Wild, by Cheryl Strayed

Love Warrior, by Glennon Doyle

Daring Greatly, by Brené Brown

Big Magic, by Elizabeth Gilbert

You Are a Badass, by Jen Sincero

And I’m assuming over the last couple of years you’ve read and recommended one or more of these books to a friend.

All of these books I have read and recommend wholeheartedly. All these female authors I hold in high regard. And all of these women I know have pain and struggle just like you and me. But, maybe you think they don’t have as much as you. Maybe you hold them in high regard AND make up a story that they have their shit together much more than you do. Hell, maybe you think that most women have their shit together more than you do.

Well, I’m here to tell you:

  1. “Having your shit together” is subjective. No one even knows what that means. Society and you have made up a story about that. So, check your expectations. And more importantly...
  2. Life is a path that we’re all traveling on. It’s long and winding, with ruts and obstacles along the way. As we move along it, we gain more insight and wisdom, and in my humble opinion, the more ruts and obstacles we run into, the more we get the emotional shit kicked out of us, the more insight and wisdom we gather.

We’re all on this same path. The people who don’t give a shit about personal development and think you’re weird for it, typically don’t make it past the first couple of steps. That’s okay, that’s their thing in this lifetime. It’s not your job to force them farther along on the path.

All those authors and personal development leaders are on your same path, they might just be farther along on it than you are. Some people move up quickly like in Monopoly when you get the card that tells you to jump ahead to one of the railroads and collect $200. And sometimes we take a few steps back.

You don’t need to catch up, it’s not a race. You just need to do the work.

On Friday, Feb 15th I invite you to join me for Raise Hell, which is a program that encompasses foundational tools to “get your shit together” (whatever that means), action, and accountability. It’s about declaring the woman you want to be and HOW to get there. It’s not easy to do this all alone. I’ll be there to guide you, plus an extraordinary group of women who are all on the same path rooting for you. We open doors on Friday.  

http://yourkickasslife.com/207

 

Feb 14, 2018
Episode 206: The week I went to that famous rehab place
16:30

If you read my book you know that in the the opening paragraphs I talk about how I had an all-time low in 2007 when I found out I’d been conned by my boyfriend. He had lied about having cancer to cover up his opioid addiction and I was pregnant with his child. This, coming off the heels of my first husband having an affair with our neighbor and getting her pregnant was not great news for me.

But, it got even worse.

December, 2006: I confronted my then-boyfriend about his drug addiction. He admitted it and said he would quit. He did for a few weeks, which coincidentally is when I became pregnant.

January, 2007: He was using again. We had just found out I was pregnant, and in sheer desperation, I called his family and told them everything. They asked me to get him home and they would have an intervention. The intervention took place and he agreed to go. I really hoped he would get clean and sober, then we could have our baby and live happily ever after.

You know where this is going, right?

He went to The Meadows in Arizona-- famous for housing celebrities like Selena Gomez, Whitney Houston, and Kate Moss and more recently, Harvey Weinstein and Kevin Spacey. After my boyfriend had been there a few weeks, I was invited for family week.

I participated in group therapy with strangers and their families. It was uncomfortable but to be honest, I was finally getting real with myself and looking at my own issues. I shared my shame stories, cried in front of everyone and was generally the most vulnerable I had ever been in front of a group of people. As I left, my boyfriend was acting weird. When I got home, I hacked into his email and found email after email from a woman named Debbie. Apparently, they were in love.

Debbie was another patient at The Meadows. Debbie was in our group while I was there crying my eyes out. Debbie had sent one email to my boyfriend-- she had sent many, but this one was the kicker-- the one that lowered me to a heap on the floor…it said, “Is it bad that I think it’s funny that your girlfriend is in our group? I mean, what were the chances that we would all be grouped together!?”

This woman was essentially laughing about the fact that we were together in a small group while we all talked about our deepest, darkest secrets.

Needless to say the phone calls that followed were not pretty. That was my final straw with him. Not the opioid addiction, not the lying about cancer, not the conning me, but Debbie.

Part of my motivation to change was her. I was was so determined to be better than her, to actually DO the work, knowing she had spent thousands of dollars on a fancy rehab and was not in fact doing the work. That, coupled with the fact that I was pregnant I knew I needed to get better. I needed to change.

WHAT IS YOUR MOTIVATION?

Did you or do you have a Debbie in your life? Many people say, “don’t ever do it for anyone else but yourself” and while I agree that’s true, I think there’s something to be said about looking at what motivates you. Do you want to be a better mother for your kids? Do you want to show your mother you will parent better than she did? Do you want to prove to your ex that you’re NOT in fact crazy and that you are the best version of yourself?

Hey, again, it’s not about doing the work for someone else. It’s about grabbing on to whatever motivates you. Maybe you can use that as your catalyst. Eventually, that will fall away, you’ll see the changes you’re making and you’ll keep going.

I honestly could give a shit about Debbie now. My recovery is for me AND my kids. I live my best life and work on myself first and foremost for me now. But, I’d be lying if I didn’t said in the beginning there a small part of me that wanted to prove others wrong.

Tomorrow I’m going to be talking about “having your shit together” and your purpose as your path. Stay tuned!

http://yourkickasslife.com/206

 

Feb 13, 2018
Episode 205: Making peace with unfinished business
15:04

I called San Diego home for 36 years. 36 years of memories-- joyful, painful, and everything in between.

And in the six years I’ve been gone, every time I go home, I’m hit with agony. And for a long time I didn’t know why. Nostalgia is a tricky thing. This one was such a mix of feelings and emotions, I didn’t know what they meant, if anything. Did I want to move back home? Was I angry that we left? I couldn’t make heads or tails of it all, but I knew something was happening.

During the summer of 2014, we went home for a vacation and rented a house on the beach. This area, Mission Beach, held many, many memories for me. I went for a run one day and as I turned my head to look down the boardwalk at other runners, skateboarders, and early morning beachgoers, I thought to myself:

Everything has changed, but it’s all the same.

I had changed. I had evolved and grown dramatically. But, it all looks the same. And for some reason, when I step foot into this city, there’s a part of my heart that remembers. Remembers it all. And maybe...maybe that’s what I was trying to get away from when we left.

When we left San Diego I was at the end of my drinking career. I had just admitted to myself, my husband, and a dear, trusted friend that I had a problem. I quit about three weeks after we left. So, when I go back home, I feel like there’s a part of me that still exists. An old ghost of myself that’s still confused, suffering, and lost. Looking for answers. Looking for a solution. Looking for peace.

How do we make peace with our former selves? The parts of us that are still tormented, still brokenhearted?

I think it starts by not running away from the pain, struggle and problems anymore. Looking at it all square in the face. Getting curious about it instead of shoving it down to the sub-basement of our soul. Being okay with the fact that peace might need to be made. Sort of easing into it like settling into your favorite chair. Letting go of thoughts like, “This is stupid, I should be so much better than this by now. It’s been years.”

Because time doesn’t heal all wounds. Moving doesn’t heal them either. And I’m sure as shit that pushing it all away doesn’t heal us, it just puts it away for it to catapult back up when we least expect it.

When we can dance with all of that, then the question becomes: Who do we want to be? What do we want our story to be? When we’re so used to the story of pain and struggle, when we make peace with all of that and sometimes walk away from it, what’s next?

I know for me it’s been simply having more compassion with myself. Accepting that life is my teacher and I’m the forever student. That my path is my purpose. I want to be a woman who tells the truth not only to others but to herself.

Because yes, everything changes and it’s all the same.

http://yourkickasslife.com/205

 

Feb 12, 2018
Episode 204: Where it all comes together for you
07:11

In episode 200 I talked about noticing I had an upper limit problem. The following day, episode 201 I talked about even when you have success, there are still pitfalls of feeling not good enough. Episode 202 I talked about facing something big and important that challenged one of my old, negative core beliefs and put that all to the test. The pushed me out of my comfort zone. And then in episode 203 I talked about doing something big that not only pushed me out of my comfort zone, but carried a lot of emotional weight.

So, I’ve created a handy-dandy worksheet for YOU that you can download and do yourself so you can DO THE WORK. I always talk to you about the importance of not just consuming the book, or the podcast, or the article, but to do the actual work. Now is your chance! This is where the real work happens!

Click here to download your worksheet

Feb 09, 2018
Episode 203: A tale of two feelings...or something like that
10:43

Throughout the entire book launch (which technically is still going on and started back in the middle of last year) I have vacillated between being so overwhelmed with all the things to do, all the feelings of “not good enough”, all the pressure of having this be successful, the pressure of the spotlight, and the massive gratitude of doing this work. Maybe this is what they really mean by “having it all”. ALL the feelings. The fear, the anxiety, doing it anyway and also having love and gratitude and joy.

As many of you know and many of you can relate to, I struggle with black or white thinking. It’s either all or nothing. And that’s how it’s been with feelings too. Given that I am someone who really only started to consider herself “emotionally literate” and then have any “emotional intelligence” in 2011 when I got sober, the last six years have been a learning experience when it comes to feelings. One of those things is being able to hold more than one feeling at a time, sometimes many feelings.

For instance: San Diego. That city has always held a lot of weight for me. It’s where I left my broken heart and more specifically, I knew walking into this book tour it would be hard because my dad wouldn’t be there like he would the last time. A little background, I was born and raised in San Diego, spent the first 36 years of my life there and it’s where my dad died about 16 months ago. I hadn’t been back since his death.

I knew I would need a lot of moral support, so I invited my two sisters and brother who live in the area. I invited all my friends AND THEN, if you’ve read my book, you might remember a story I told about a friend of mine who had broken up with me when I was going through my life-falling-apart year, then we were friends again, then she kind of ghosted me? Well, she randomly messaged me last October and I invited her to meet up with me on that trip. I knew I was walking into a hard conversation with her. More on that story at the end of this month! So, needless to say, this trip was going to be an emotional one.

To be honest, I really wasn’t worried about the book event. When I had it for my first book, a lot of people showed up, and the manager even told me I sold more books than most author events that they do. So, I thought this one was in the bag.

However.

One of my siblings which shall go unnamed, never texted me back when I group texted them about the event. I texted this sibling privately a couple days before, and nothing. I asked one of my other siblings about it, and they said “Oh, that sibling is really busy with their thing, don’t take it personally.” And I’m like, DON’T TAKE IT PERSONALLY? OUR DAD DIED AND I NEED YOU ALL AND I MIGHT DIE IF THIS PERSON DOESN’T SHOW UP.

So, anyway.

As I started my talk, I’m looking around and noticing there were key players there that were missing. Like, the other two siblings that I just had dinner with across the parking lot. They were late. They were missing it.

I also looked around and saw amazing people I used to work with that I hadn’t seen in 15 years. I saw the people who used to babysit me when I was in elementary school. I saw about six girls I went to highschool with. I saw a woman I knew online and hadn’t met in person yet.

It was painful and it was wonderful. What I learned that night is that I can hold all those emotions. I don’t have to say, “Oh, I can’t be disappointed and hurt that so-and-so didn’t show up because look at all I have to be grateful for!” I can’t bypass my feelings.

And neither can you.

Stick around for Friday’s episode where this all comes together and there’s an assignment for you. Also, if you are in my book club, there is a special, exclusive offer arriving in your inbox TODAY, Feb 8th.

http://yourkickasslife.com/203

 

Feb 08, 2018
Episode 202: This is one of my core beliefs
08:36

In December 2013 my first book, 52 Ways to Live a Kick-Ass Life came out. That same month I headed to San Diego, my home town of 36 years (we had moved 2 years prior) to do a book signing. It was the only book event I did (unless you count the coffee shop book event in the city I was living with at the time where I only invited 4 people. No exaggeration, 4 people).

I know a lot of people in San Diego. Most of my family is there. I knew people would show up and also, I knew the people that would show up. It was safe. Certain. No real risk.

Fast forward to 2017 when my second book, How To Stop Feeling Like Shit was about to come out and I was faced with a choice: do I only do a book event in San Diego, or do I push myself with a book tour? Do I risk it? Do I face the uncertainty of this next level?

One of my old core beliefs-- one that was born from men mistreating me-- is that I don’t really matter all that much. I’ve intentionally worked on this over the years and come a long, long way. And what I’ve noticed is that when I’m faced with an opportunity to prove that core belief wrong, it makes me extremely uncomfortable. It’s as if my brain has become more comfortable being in situations where it’s proved that I really don’t matter.

So, if figured, if I go on a book tour and people actually DO show up, it proves that I DO matter. I’d have to face it and believe it. And the reality of it was that some people would show up to these events. No, I don’t sell out packed arenas, but there are some amazing women who I knew would come. So, I accepted the challenge.

Another thing that came up during this upper limit/challenging my old core beliefs extravaganza was the concept of letting people love me. Now, if you know my story you know I got the emotional shit kicked out of me in 2006 and 2007 and I walked away with some major trust issues. I had concluded people were not to be trusted and it was safer to keep them at a very long arms distance.

At the end of 2017 I wondered, What if I let people love me? I have a few people in my life that I’ve let in, a few people I trust with my stories and struggle (it’s a very short list), but what if I stretched beyond that? What if I really opened my arms and my heart and let people love me? What if I accepted all the praise and compliments and love and leaned in...hard? In my history when I’ve done this, it gets snatched away, so my brain says, NO DON’T DO IT! But, here I am, 10 years out of my trauma and what if I let go?

So, that’s what I’ve been doing. The book tour-- 6 events in 6 cities. An additional city with a dinner with colleagues. 7 total cities of letting people love me. Leaning into all the comments of people telling me how much they love the book. I knew it would be hard. I knew it would be exhausting. And I knew it had to be done. I had no idea how it would turn out. This is upleveling. This is doing the work. This is walking my talk and loving myself and carrying courage and confidence.

Stick around for Friday’s episode where this all comes together and there’s an assignment for you. Also, if you are in my book club, there is a special, exclusive offer arriving in your inbox on Thursday, Feb 8th.

http://yourkickasslife.com/202

 

Feb 07, 2018
Episode 201: The meeting that made me feel like a failure
09:58

In late October I sat on a conference call with the marketing team from my publisher and my literary agent. It was to be a discussion on how we (I) were going to sell the book.

Many things were discussed in that hour + long meeting, but only one thing stood out to me. The person in charge said to me, “Pre-orders not where we would like them to be.” My first thought and what came out of my mouth was, “Well, of course not. I’ve barely mentioned to my community that it’s available because it’s so far out. Our plans for the big push were mid-November through January.”

My next immediate thought was: “They’re disappointed in me. I’m failing at this. I’m not big enough, popular enough, or good enough. They bet on me as an author and I’m losing.”

I felt the wash of shame.

The marketing team was simply doing their job. Selling books matters to them and their bottom line. I want to make it clear that I was the one making up stories about what they thought of me and who I was.

I got off the phone and cried. I called my friends and told them dramatically that my publisher was disappointed in me (keep in mind-- they NEVER used that word, I did) and wondered if it was too late to quit.

Then, I went on my book tour. First stop was New Your City. There was an odd cold snap that came up the entire east coast, and people started cancelling for my book event and a dinner I had put together. I got an email from my publicist that the bookstore in Chicago for the following week was worried about their January events because of the cold. I immediately thought, “I’m not worth the cold”. I was in the Lyft thinking we should just cancel both events in NYC and Chicago. I was actually thinking about cancelling it all. Here’s what was happening: I was looking for any excuse not to show up. Looking for any small inkling of evidence that it was too hard, that people didn’t like me, that I wasn’t good enough, and that I should just quit.

Yesterday I talked about the Upper Limit Problem and this is a classic example. Things were rising for me. The ante had been upped. It was risky and vulnerable and scary and my inner-critic was totally and completely freaking out. I didn’t want to fail, I didn’t want to disappoint people and not measure up. It was all so incredibly uncomfortable.

No matter how successful we get-- whether it’s in our jobs or our relationships, or are even in top physical health, I think we’ll always have moments of feeling not enough. I am no exception.

Stick around for Friday’s episode where this all comes together, I’ll tell you what ended up happening at those NYC and Chicago events and what to do when you find yourself wanting to just quit aka SABOTAGE your life when you’re upleveling and things get uncomfortable. There’s even an assignment for you!

http://yourkickasslife.com/201

 

Feb 06, 2018
Episode 200: My deepest, darkest fears.
11:14

Today starts a new thing over here-- daily emails and podcast episodes (weekdays only) I’m calling them the DAILY DIARIES!  I’ve kept them short, sweet, to the point, with lots of content to hopefully help you! Enjoy...

It all started with a damn upper limit problem.

Let me backup. If it’s one thing we all want-- it’s to be seen and heard. We want those loving connections with the people who matter to us. To know our struggles, our stories, and our celebrations matter. To know that we matter.

And for some of us, our path includes being seen and heard by lots and lots of people.

In 2013 my first book came out and I was catapulted into the spotlight. I’m not talking Beyoncé type spotlight, but a spotlight nonetheless in my industry. No one can really prepare you for this and it was one of the most exciting and terrifying things that had ever happened to me. More people watching, judging, criticizing and loving me (which can also be scary). Over the last few years I’ve been unpacking this and getting curious about why this scares me, what it stops me from doing, and how to move past it.

Fast forward to 2017. I knew my second book was coming out and I was more prepared for the epic explosion that was about to take place (that’s dramatic, but that’s what it felt like). I also knew I wanted to talk more about this to my YKAL community (you!) because I know most of us deal with this on some level.

The fear of shining too bright.

The fear of shining at all.

The fear of not shining at all.

The fear of getting it wrong.

The fear of what people expect of us.

The fear that we can’t measure up to what we expect of ourselves.

The fear of failure.

The fear of success.

The fear of moving too far forward in our lives and leaving people behind.

The fear of what people will think.

Basically, the fear of raising hell in our lives, causing any attention to ourselves that might cause us to not have it all under control.

So, going back to the “upper limit problem” that I mentioned before. You might be wondering, what is an upper limit problem?

The “ULP” term comes from the book The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks and in a nutshell, the theory is this: We all have a certain set point of success, happiness, health, and love. How much of it we can take. A “comfort zone” of all those things. When we get more, say a promotion, a new amazing relationship, a fantastic opportunity, finally lose that extra 15 pounds we’ve been carrying around, we get extremely uncomfortable for having it and therefore sabotage it. I wrote a whole chapter on self-sabotage in my last book so you probably are familiar with it.

When I write books I can’t control whether people like my writing or not. I can’t control whether they like me or not. I can’t control that I’ll always get it right. I also can’t control if the books will sell or not, which not only affects my emotional state, but my livelihood and my future.

So, it might be easier and safer to stay under the radar, not do too much to cause too much attention. Hide. Be quiet. Do things like not write books.

As 2018 approached and How To Stop Feeling Like Shit was about to be born, I knew this was a topic I couldn’t avoid with all of you. So, I set out to untangle it, rectify it as best I could, and help all of you in the process.

Over the course of the next few weeks, I’ll be walking you through that journey, as well as talking about other topics that happened to pop up along the way. Tomorrow’s episode I’ll be telling a story of a meeting I was a part of in October, which made me feel like a failure, not enough, and incompetent. I’ll tell you how I got through it, the tools I used, and what ended up happening.

Stick around for Friday’s episode where this all comes together and there’s an assignment for you.  

http://yourkickasslife.com/200

 

Feb 05, 2018
Episode 199: Taking Small Steps To Become Unstuck with Erin Stutland
38:43

For the month of February, I will be producing daily podcast episodes. You read that correctly ass-kickers - daily episodes are coming! The episodes will be shorter than the typical podcast format you are used to hearing.  Emails with short lessons will accompany them. If you want to be notified each time a daily episode is released in the month of February, sign up here. Okay, now let’s jump into this week’s episode!

I am so excited because my friend, Erin Stutland, joins me on the podcast this week.  Erin and I have known each other online “for-eva”!  She is a mind, body, wellness and fitness expert and the host and coach of the new weight-loss transformation television show Altar’d on Z Living.  We talked about getting unstuck, over-analyzing, how to stop being comfortable with feeling crappy, self-care practices and more.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • Erin provide tips to help get unstuck, shift your perspective and become motivated (4 minutes and 10 seconds)
  • The “morning pages” concept, what it is and how to use it (6:13)
  • Biggest obstacles that prevent you from making your exercise routine a reality, plus advice for how to move past these challenges (11:18)
  • How to be more loving and kind to yourself (and what Peanut M&Ms has to do with it) (13:47)
  • The starting and stopping pattern with exercise routines (15:56)
  • Erin’s Soul Stroll Program, how to make the most of your daily walks by rewiring your thoughts (22:34)
  • Recommendations and tools to help quiet your inner critic and how acknowledging all parts of oneself will help with the process (27:49)

http://www.yourkickasslife.com/199

 

Jan 31, 2018
Episode 198: Recovery Series Season Finale With Andrea Owen
18:06

This week, I am rounding out the recovery series with one final episode. I have been so blessed to have nine amazing conversations with women in recovery. You can catch up on all of the episodes here.

In this episode, I read two blog posts I wrote on the 2nd and 3rd anniversaries of my sobriety. Plus, I include some new insights along the way.

From my 2 year sober anniversary on September 27th, 2013.

I want to start this post by telling a story that is really hard for me to tell– and I tell it in hopes that it helps someone else.

In May of 2011 I made my first attempt at sobriety. I made until September 26th of that year. I was active in my recovery, but in hindsight, a few things happened that were slowly chipping away at me. I kept hearing the voice that “I wasn’t that bad”…that I wasn’t like “those people”. Those alcoholics that told their stories, that had been arrested, had DUI’s, etc. The voice whispered that since that wasn’t me, surely I could moderate and drink like a normal person.

On September 26th, 2011 I got into an argument with my husband. We don’t argue often, so when we do, I can tend to slip quickly into this-is-it-it’s-over-he’s-going-to-leave-me land. It’s one of those really vulnerable places for me where I feel I’ve lost control over a situation– a situation that is very important to me.

In that late afternoon, he left the house to go for a drive. I sat at home alone and desperately wanted to drink. I called a friend in recovery. She talked me through it. I sat again alone in my glass case of emotions. I didn’t want to drink because I didn’t want to break my sobriety and have to start over. Plus the shame of relapse was too much to bear. But, I remembered hearing that if you drank enough NyQuil, you could get a buzz. And since it’s not technically “drinking”, it’s like a loophole, right?

10 seconds later I was in the bathroom chugging a bottle of cherry NyQuil.

A few minutes later the buzz hadn’t reached me yet. I then remembered hearing that Vanilla Extract could do the same thing. I went to the pantry and took a drink of putrid tasting Vanilla Extract. I looked closely at the bottle to see that not only had murky sediment gathered all along the bottom, but it had expired in 2005.

And to think I was trying to convince myself that I wasn’t an alcoholic.

As I type this, I’m embarrassed to admit this. But, now I understand just how cunning, baffling, and powerful alcohol is to an alcoholic. I didn’t think clearly and rationally at that time. I remember thinking, “Okay, I’m an educated person. I’ve done YEARS of my own personal development. I’m in the helping profession for pete’s sake”. And the reality is that none of that matters at all if you are truly an alcoholic. You don’t get extra credit for that. I don’t care how smart you are. We can’t think our way out of it.

I truly believe I needed that short relapse to prove to myself that I truly am an alcoholic. If the whisper ever comes back that I’m not that bad and maybe not a “real” alcoholic, I think back to my Vanilla haze (as my friend Courtney so lovingly puts it) and I’m back to reality.

And if I’m being really honest, I don’t want to drink like a normal person. I don’t want just one glass of wine. I want at least three. In a big ass glass. And if there’s white and red, I just can’t decide, so I’ll have a few of each.

This is insanity.

I tell my story not for the pats on the back or congratulations, but to show others that even people like me are alcoholics and that there is hope in recovery. I tried to quit by myself back in 2011. I strung together 6 miserable days. It wasn’t until I reached out for help and started a recovery program was I able to not just stop drinking, but stop obsessing on alcohol and being able to feel my feelings without resorting to drinking.  <— That is a fucking miracle.

So, if you’re that person who thinks you aren’t that bad like I did…you may very well be right. You’re not that bad right now. But alcoholism is progressive and I can assure you, if you keep drinking, you’ll be that bad. I don’t know how long it will take. But, for me, I didn’t want to wait and find out. I left the movie early because I was SURE the way it was going to end. And if I left and chose another way, I could change the ending.

And one year after that, on my 3 year sober anniversary September 27th, 2014

On Saturday, September 27th, 2014, I celebrated 3 years of sobriety.

I considered not writing about it this year, thinking to myself, “Well, nobody needs to hear about it anymore. They know you’re an alcoholic in recovery.” I wrote about it on my 2 year anniversary and thought maybe that was good enough. And then on Friday I got an email from a friend that needed to talk to me about her drinking. And a few weeks before that another friend asked me if she could give my contact info to her friend who needed support. Both of these women are moms, both of them needed help. And neither of them would have known I could help them if I had never come out with my story in the first place.

So, I speak again.

A couple of weeks ago I was at meeting at my son’s school. We’re brand new to this school having just moved to this state in late August. He’s in first grade and has high functioning Autism. I sat in a conference room with his teacher, the special needs coordinator, and school principal. It was nothing new, I’ve had these meetings before. But, this being a new school we had to go do the typical paper trail, have witnesses, and sign papers.

The special needs coordinator led the meeting and was reading parts of his file aloud, and as she read his report given to us the year prior from the psychologist she got to the part about his diagnosis and family history. “Colton’s mother was diagnosed with Anxiety and Panic Disorder in 2002 and has a history of substance abuse”. She continued with other facts that had nothing to do with me and the meeting continued as normal.

But in that moment I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. “Has a history of substance abuse.” Instant shame washed over me. chalk that up to a please-let-the-floor-open-up-and-swallow-me moment. I immediately wanted to interrupt her and explain myself to these people– these three women I barely knew. The principal with a PhD, my sons teacher, and the pregnant special needs coordinator that just 20 minutes before laughed with me as we exchanged funny pregnancy stories. I wanted to tell them, “Well, ‘substance abuse’ doesn’t really describe ME…I mean I wasn’t a drug addict or anything, just wine. And beer too. Oh, and I’ve been sober for yeeeears now, and I was never like ARRESTED or anything like that. Yep, just too much wine. So, see? I’m good. Not bad at all.”

Which at that time would have been a bit weird and uncomfortable.

And I’d love to tell you that since I do what I do for a living, and because of all the work I’ve done on myself and continue to do, and because I speak publicly about my journey that now I’m immune to the shame. But, I’m not. I don’t know if I’ll ever be. If she’d said, “Colton’s mother has a history of high blood pressure” I would have felt no shame. But, to be outed as an alcoholic in front of people you don’t know, where you worry you’ll be judged, or whispered about, it’s hard stuff. I don’t want to be judged. I don’t want to be known in my community as “the lady with a history of substance abuse”. I know it’s not really who I am, I know this in my heart. But, still after 3 year of being public with my story, I still feel fear and shame.

You might be wondering if it’s gotten easier. Yes, it has. I think in that conference room the shame was so visceral because it took me by surprise and I already felt vulnerable not knowing anyone in this new city. Plus, we were talking about my son, so it was the perfect storm. As the last few years have passed it’s gotten easier to talk about, but it certainly depends on the situation. And I think that meeting reminded me how painful it can be for people new to sobriety or thinking about getting sober.

And that’s really what I wanted to talk about today. That intense shame can keep people drinking for years, decades even. Can pull them back into drinking after years of sobriety. Of course other factors come into play, but shame can cripple us. Years ago had I felt shame like that I would have just drank it away. Went and hid in a bottle of wine where the shame would have been suffocated for a few hours that evening, only to wake up again the next morning so the cycle could continue. Same shame and fear and thoughts revolving around drinking. It was the same feelings every day.

And when you’re an alcoholic thinking about getting sober, you have to weigh those two painful things out: Quit drinking PLUS deal with asking for help, going to “those meetings” where “those people” are and actually talk about it all (scary), or continue to drink when you’re pretty sure that it’ll get worse and continue the cycle you already hate (also scary).

For me, I had to reach a point where the latter was scarier. Lucky for me, I only stayed active in my alcoholism for a short time and I was blessed to have people in my life I trusted to reach out to for help. I knew where I would end up if I kept drinking and that scared me more than anything. I knew alcoholics only go one direction: worse. I knew I had to quit.

Does the shame hit me every day? Certainly not. But, I know I can do hard things. You can too. I survived. And I’ll be okay. And I hope if you’re reading this and you think you need help, you ask for it. Shame will keep you sick. It won’t go away, but you can walk through its shadow and ask for help.

http://www.yourkickasslife.com/198

 

Jan 30, 2018
Episode 197: What Does Raising Hell Actually Look Like?
20:00

You may have followed my work for a bit now and know that I talk about courage and confidence. And maybe you think “Well, I get it, and this whole ‘courage and confidence’ thing sounds good in theory, but how will my life be different if I learn to be courageous and confident and will it even work for me!?”

Let me tell you what I was like in my 20’s. I was actually a really happy girl. I had great friends, a family that loved me, worked at good jobs, and was in a long-term relationship. Outside, everything seemed great and on a surface level I was happy.

But, underneath I was struggling. I was unfulfilled with my life. In my relationship there was no trust and no real connection, and my friendships were good, but nothing deep and intimate. I struggled fiercely with perfectionism, comparison, and control. I NEEDED to control. I thought if everyone would just act like I thought they should act, my life would be so much better.

When shit hit the fan for me in 2006, I isolated to the point of not checking my email for weeks. I screened all my calls, and barely even talked to my parents. I hardly saw my friends and once had lunch with one of my long-term friends and she said to me, “Well, with the divorce statistics, it was bound to happen to one of us.” That’s not to blame my friend...none of us knew what to say to each other. None of us knew how to truly connect. I was lonely when I was alone, and I was lonely when I was around people.

During that time of struggle I made decisions that 100 percent went against my values as a human being. I said yes to men when I really didn’t want to. Just because I thought I should or to try for one shred of connection. I would meet new people and either unload my whole story (what Brené Brown calls trying to “hotwire a connection”) or completely shut people out. What I came to realize was that once I hit adulthood, my soul became unconscious.

Fast forward to now.

Anyone that knows me well will tell you I’ve always been an assertive person. I’m an Aries, ENFJ, Type 8 on the Enneagram. But, all this personality stuff does not automatically mean that I was born with courage. I had to learn it, and still do every day. What it looks like in my life is this:

  • Reaching out to the right people when I need help
  • Making peace with the fact that most things are messy and imperfect
  • Standing up for what I believe in— such as giving an opinion
  • Setting healthy boundaries and saying no even though it’s not easy
  • Letting go of control and trusting myself and my faith enough to know that I can handle anything

These are just a few things of what practicing courage looks like. All of the things above still sometimes make me really uncomfortable and/or are scary. I’ve accepted that and it’s necessary.

And that’s what I want for you. You can choose to be like I was— happy on the surface with an unconscious soul— or you can choose to make the decision to wake up your soul, step into an uncomfortable life that is full of imperfections, messiness, and uncertainty. But, I promise you, my dears, that this same life will be full of truth, grace, and insurmountable beauty.

http://yourkickasslife.com/197

 

Jan 24, 2018
Episode 196: Interview with Amy Pearson
48:45

Welcome back to another episode of the recovery series!  If you are new to the series, I’ve been speaking with women about their addiction and who are in recovery. We cover topics such as alcohol addiction, codependency, and even food addiction. You can find all of the episodes here.

This week I welcome back my friend and colleague, Amy Pearson. You may have heard Amy and I talk about being addicted to approval and feeling like a fraud back in Episode 118.  This time we talk in-depth about her addiction to alcohol, her obsession with seeking approval and using blame as a crutch.

Amy is a master certified life coach, a coach mentor, and founder of LiveBrazen.com. She is currently writing her first book, a memoir called, “Forgiving Amy,” where she shares her experiences with self-forgiveness. Amy has been sober for four years. Today, she shares how grieving the loss of her mother and feeling shame around not being the person she thought she should be led to her downward spiral into ”self-medicating” with alcohol. And, then later, she shares a poignant story of what made her turn everything around and led her onto the path of recovery.

In this episode you’ll hear:

  • How two life-changing events underlined her path to addiction (9 minutes and 12 seconds)
  • Amy discusses how alcoholism is progressive and the fact that she was very self-aware of her addiction (13:03)
  • Amy shares the story of putting her children at risk because of her addiction and how it ultimately led her on the path to recovery. Plus, she shares a promise she made to herself. (16:43)
  • How recovery can lead you to uncover and accept parts of you that you didn’t know even existed; including the good, the bad and the dark.  (21:18)
  • Why Amy thinks alcohol and drinking is the lazier choice (24:27)
  • Telling the truth and finding a supportive community helped Amy get sober, and how it all was a very humbling process (26:05)
  • Saying no is hard, but it’s so important to put into practice when maintaining sobriety (28:39)
  • We discuss triggers (both big and small) and two tools Amy uses for overcoming them (32:28)

http://yourkickasslife.com/196

 

Jan 23, 2018
Episode 195: 6 Ways Roller Derby Can Teach You About Life
18:02

As promised in the podcast episode, a quick (1 min) video explaining how roller derby is played is here. Also, the Whip It trailer because I love it when Bliss says, I am IN LOVE with this.” (which btw, many of the hits in that movie are highly illegal to the game, but I think they captured the culture of derby really well.)

At the end of 2012 and early 2013, I played roller derby for the Junction City Roller Dolls in Ogden, Utah, skating under the derby name, Veronica Vain. A shoulder injury took me out and I retired from the game.

 

There I am, on the right with hair flying like Medusa.

Lately, I’ve been thinking about going back here in North Carolina (more on that later), and it got me thinking a lot about the game and it’s similarities with life. Derby taught me a lot about fear, and other things, and in no particular order, here’s 6 ways roller derby can teach you about life.

  1. There is no room for paralyzing fear. You’ll get eaten alive if you stay there. Derby can be scary. Whether you’re showing up for tryouts, gearing up for your first bout, or going up against a player you know is bigger and stronger than you are, for every player at least once somewhere there is an element of fear. Which is actually perfectly normal in any sport and in life.

I remember the first time I realized I was getting better as a player. During a practice scrimmage, I realized I was the smallest and least experienced player out there. For a second, I was scared. Then out of nowhere  I pushed that voice aside and tried my damndest to knock another player that had at least 6 inches and 50 pounds of an advantage on me. I can’t even remember if I succeeded or not (I probably didn’t), but that was the shift I needed. Just trying. Just feeling the fear and doing it in spite of it.

In life, there’s a lot of fear. We all have it, no one is immune. The difference between people that go after the badass life they have, is that they went up against their fear. They were scared when they went after that awesome job, or broke up with that person that they just weren’t happy with, or went back to school after 15 years of being out. You’re not unique in your fear. Just do it anyway.

  1. When you fall down, hurry and get the fuck up. In roller derby, when you fall or get knocked down in a jam, it’s part of the rules that you only have just a few seconds to get back up. No taking your sweet ass time. Plus, you can’t fall down and quit just because you fell down. Well, I suppose you could, but your team would be pretty pissed at you. And think about this-- falling happens a lot in derby. A lot. If everyone quit derby the first time they fell down, no one would be playing derby.

How many times do we fall down in our everyday lives? We screw up, make bad decisions, and just plain fail. Everyone eats shit from time to time and doesn’t necessarily feel great about it. Instead of beating ourselves up for the mistake or quitting altogether, what if we just took two seconds to get back up and keep trying? Life goes on, just like the jam does. The world doesn’t stop spinning just because you took a tumble. Don’t quit, just get up and keep going.

  1. Only stay down if you’re really hurt. If not, get the fuck up. Okay, sometimes, when we fall down on the track, it really, really hurts. We’ve all had that slam on the concrete once or twice where we automatically want to get back up and keep skating, but our body says, “Oh, heeeeell no.” and we stay on the ground. Our fellow skaters help us and we do what we need to get better-- whether that’s sitting out for a while or going to the nearest hospital for an X-ray.

And yes, in life there are those moments. We get heartbroken, disappointed, or are in a crisis that just plain sucks and is painful. We can’t push it aside and keep on going just yet. We need help from our friends and loved ones. We need time to heal. To cry, to grieve, to kick and scream, to whatever. Acting like we’re “okay” or “fine” does nothing but eventually make things worse.

  1. When up against an obstacle, find some way to get through it. In derby, you’ll face obstacles that you need to get around, usually opposing players. You do your best to get through or around them. You don’t just come up against a wall of blockers, throw your arms up and give up...you fight through it. If you gave up, you’d be giving up on your team.

When faced with a life obstacle, do the same. The obstacle might be fear, criticism from others, your own lack of self confidence, anything. But, for you to sit back and give up when faced with an obstacle is basically giving up on yourself. And you’re too awesome for that.

  1. Choose people to be around that will help you. When coming up against a wall of people you need to pass, in derby you look for what’s called the “friendly side”. When a jammer is coming up on two players-- one is her teammate and the other isn’t. Which one is she going to choose to pass next to? Right, her teammate. Her teammate isn’t going to knock her over or out of bounds. Her teammate is her ally, her helper.

In life, it’s the same. Don’t surround yourself with assholes. Don’t keep reaching out to people who continue to disappoint you. Choose people to spend your time with that support and encourage you, that believe in you and help you shine. If you choose people that constantly let you down, or disrespect you, honey- that’s on you.

  1. Playing is the best way to learn. Before I started playing derby, I was on the sidelines. I went to bouts and watched it endlessly on YouTube. I was excited! But, nothing, I mean nothing compares to actually getting in the game. The very first time I scimagged at practice I remember thinking, “Woah. This is nothing like I thought it would be...it’s BETTER!” You can study the game all you want from an outside perspective, and you can imagine what it’s like, but nothing is a better teacher than actually getting your ass on the track.

You can watch other people live their lives and wish yours was like theirs. You can make up what you think other people have that you don’t and feel badly about that. You can sit on the sidelines of your own life and want more for yourself. You can want a better job, a creative endeavour, a partner...whatever your dreams are. And maybe your hopes and dreams excite you and scare you at the same time. (Because let’s face it- if it doesn’t scare you, it’s not big enough). But, if you’re not going after it, you’re missing out. Consider me that teammate who tells you to get in the game. Gear up, warm up, and go out there and kick some ass.

Because you, my friend, and your life are worth it.

http://www.yourkickasslife.com/195

Jan 17, 2018
Episode 194: Interview with Lara Frazier
39:22

Welcome to another recovery series episode, and as we near the end of this season for these shows, our guest today, Lara Frazier, is sharing about her addiction to alcohol, pills, and love.

Lara explains how her own addiction issues came from trauma in her life that she didn’t know she had, and how she found that she could just distract herself by falling in love. She explains that ultimately, this wasn’t the best for her, and how she really came to understand what romantic love and intimacy was (and wasn’t).

http://yourkickasslife.com/194

 

Jan 16, 2018
Episode 193: High functioning codependency: What is it and how to heal with Terri Cole
43:02

Ok, I don’t even have a word to describe how much I’m looking forward to having you hear this episode. Terri Cole is a returning guest who appeared on the show way back on Episode 76, and this time I wanted to make sure we talked about codependency.

Why codependency? If you’re a listener of this podcast, you’ll know codependency is something that I’ve struggled with and talk about often. In this episode we look at what it really is and how to deal with realizing that it may be part of your life.

Jan 10, 2018
Episode 192: Interview with Carly Benson
53:23

There’s still time to sign up for the free book club! We start January 22nd, giving you enough time to read my new book, How To Stop Feeling Like Shit. Click this link to purchase the book and sign up-- if you already have your copy (Audiobook or e-reader counts too!) click “claim bonus” to sign up for the book club.

This show is another recovery series episode, and as always, I’m so grateful to have these amazing conversations with women in recovery. Today is no exception, as I’m talking to Carly Benson. Carly has been sober from alcohol and cocaine since August 17th, 2008, and in this she shares her own path to addiction, and eventually her recovery.

A big part of what she talks about is the need to truly open up and be willing to do things differently, but first you’ll need to be honest with how you are feeling inside. This will allow you to process the things that are happening, but you’ll hear how we all wear addiction differently and it’s up to each one us to learn how to live an intentional life.

http://yourkickasslife.com/192

 

Jan 09, 2018
Episode 191: The Key To Confidence
19:38

MY BOOK IS OUT! To celebrate, I’m giving $10 to Best Buddies International for every Amazon review from now until January 9th. (Scroll down for instructions on how to do this). Best Buddies is a nonprofit dedicated to helping people with intellectual and developmental disabilities.

If you haven’t purchased the book yet, it’s in bookstores NOW (front tables at Barnes & Noble!) or you can purchase online. Once you’ve done that, don’t forget to join us for the free book study I’m hosting starting on January 22nd (click “claim bonuses’).

*****************************************************

If confidence were easy, it would have been bottled a long time ago by Big Pharma and somebody would have more money than God right now. However, gaining confidence is not that easy.

Years ago when I saw women with confidence, I thought a few things that turned out to NOT be true.

  1. I thought they were born with it. I thought confidence was in their genes. And clearly, I wasn’t born with it.
  2. I thought maybe I could fake it by acting like I was the shit when I really did NOT think I was the shit. All this did was make me feel like shit and a big ol’ phony.
  3. I thought I could just wait until I was old to finally get it. Because we all know how much confidence Blanche Deveraux had. However, I didn’t want to wait until I was a Golden Girl.

Confidence is not something you’re born with, or something you get just by faking it, or something you automatically gain when you turn 45. It’s something that’s built piece by piece over time. It’s something you try, mess up, try again and again until you see progress, and then keep practicing for the rest of your life.

The way to gain confidence is by practicing courage.

And courage can look like many different things. They don’t have to be big, sweeping events that shake you to your core with fear. Even practicing small acts of courage will likely evoke fear in you, but all of them add up to a courageous, confident YOU.

I’ve broken it down into some steps for you…

Step 1. Decide. And I don’t mean just decide you’re confident. You can certainly do that, but I think your brain will spike the bullshit alert and the whole “fake it til you make it” thing is tough with this one. When I say “decide” I mean decide you will start practicing courage. Decide you’re ready to step out of your comfortable ways of being and try something else, little by little.

Step 2. Really dig into what practicing courage means to you. Start by thinking of the behaviors you currently do that are making you unhappy.  I’ll bet some of them are: isolating, people pleasing, perfecting, believing your inner-critic, numbing out, comparison, approval seeking, and control (Wait– did I just name your to-do list?)

Then, think of the opposite. If you’re an isolator, practicing courage would be reaching out for help and support.The opposite of people pleasing would be to simply stop before you immediately say yes to everything and practice saying no. If you’re a perfectionist, practicing courage would be to lean into “good enough” or start before you’re ready. I think you get the gist here.

Step 3: Keep repeating steps 1 and 2. Over and over again.

This will be scary, I can assure you. But, what’s scarier is looking back on your life and realizing you stayed in a place of fear. What’s scarier is realizing you allowed fear to drive your entire life. What’s possibly scarier than that is that you’ll look back and realize you modeled fear for the people you love. I’ll tell you something I know for sure. I am immensely proud of myself that I can practice courage in my life, but what makes me even more immensely proud, is that I model courage for my children. Marian Wright Edelman said, “You can’t be what you can’t see”. If you’re a parent, I KNOW you want your children to grow up learning how to practice courage. And if they see it in you, they’ll know how.

http://www.yourkickasslife.com/191

 

Jan 03, 2018
Episode 190: Interview with Arlina Allen
55:54

Happy New Year Ass-Kickers! Before we jump into today’s episode, a quick announcement: From today until January 9th, I’ll be giving $10 for every Amazon review about my new book, How To Stop Feeling Like Shit, to Best Buddies International, which is a charity close to my heart. Best Buddies helps people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. You can hear more about it and why it’s important to me in the episode. So, if you’ve read my book, please help me help them by leaving a review. Thank you in advance!

 

Today is another recovery episode with guest Arlina Allen. Today she shares how her career aspirations eventually led to issues with alcohol, how everything came to a head for her at age 25 and then how she was introduced to a 12-step program paving the way for her recovery.

Arlina has been clean and sober for 23 years and in her own journey, she was able to see the patterns that were holding her back. Along the way she’s discovered she wasn’t a victim and did indeed have the power to make the decisions that were best for her. Arlina now helps others as a host of her own podcast, The ODAAT Chat, and in this talk she reveals how she’s now able to pay it forward to help others battling addiction.

Like the other episodes in this series, even if you’re not struggling with addiction or in recovery, you probably know someone who is. That’s what these stories are for; it’s about shining the light on addiction and recovery and telling our stories. You’ll find out why quitting drinking is just a small part of the equation though, and that sobriety and recovery are two very different things.

http://yourkickasslife.com/190

 

Jan 02, 2018
Episode 189: Change the World, Create the Movement
45:04

As always, I’m very excited about today’s guest, partly because she’s awesome and partly because we’re talking about a topic I wrote about in my book-- a topic Tanya Geisler is an expert on!

Tanya has dedicated her life to helping women conquer the imposter complex, (we went into even more detail on the topic when Tanya previously appeared on the podcast). In this most recent episode we also look at everything from leadership to fear of success to cultural messaging.

When reaching a certain level of success people feel they are going to be alone, that there will be a disconnect between themselves and others, but it really doesn’t have to be this way and Tanya will help show us how.

http://yourkickasslife.com/189

 

Dec 27, 2017
Episode 188: Interview with Tiffany Han
58:47

If you’re a new podcast listener, you’ve found another recovery episode, where I have amazing conversations with women in recovery. Today’s guest is no exception! Tiffany Han is a writer, speaker, teacher and coach (as well as a fellow podcast host), and she has an interesting story of recovery.

You’ll see that not all problems are problems with a capital “P”, and listen to how Tiffany knew she needed to make changes before her drinking became a big problem.

It’s not just about quitting drinking, because you have to deal with your “shit” along with it.  Sobriety and recovery are two very different things, and you are always learning about yourself.

http://yourkickasslife.com/188

 

Dec 26, 2017
Episode 187: The magic of awkward conversations
15:18

This is a topic I talk at length about in my book, How To Stop Feeling Like Shit: 14 Habits That Are Holding You Back From Happiness. Most people struggle with having hard conversations, as well as setting boundaries. These can be some hard lessons! Enjoy...

Let’s talk about something that doesn’t always kick ass: Tough, awkward conversations.

And I’ll start with a truth: most of us don’t have enough of them. I was just talking to a friend recently who had just moved in with her cousin and was feeling like she had no say in the space. That her cousin/roommate was messy and had her stuff everywhere. So my friend was upset and complaining at length about it.

And I asked, “So what do you plan on doing about it?” And my friend laughed and said she planned on doing nothing. Basically, just continue to complain about it. That having the conversation would be awkward and uncomfortable.

And I wonder– how many of us do this every damn day? How many of us avoid awkward conversations so often that it’s affecting our lives way more negatively that we even know?

You may think I’m nuts- but I think it’s all of us.

I’ll bet you reading this can think of at least one awkward conversation you need to have. Your mom does ____, it bugs the shit out you and you wish she’d stop. Your partner keeps joking with you about ____ and you actually don’t think it’s funny, it hurts your feelings. Your boss is ______ and you really wish she wouldn’t do that. Your best friend is always late and you need to ask her to try harder to be prompt to respect your time.

Almost every single one of my private clients over the last 8 years has had some kind of conversation that’s needed to take place that they’re avoiding. Why? Because it’s uncomfortable. Because they aren’t sure what the outcome will be. What if they other person gets mad? Says no? Gets their feelings hurt? Breaks up with them? Or (insert whatever worst-case scenario you can think of).

Now I’m not going to sit here with my pom-poms cheering you on and just telling you to go out and do it. If that’s all you needed you would have done it by now. What you need are some hard truths and a plan:

Hard truth #1: You have no idea how the conversation will go. No one can promise you it will go well or turn out in your favor. Booo, I know.

Hard truth #2: The problem and/or the way you feel about this will not just go away because you avoid it like a public toilet that desperately needs to be flushed. It actually can get worse. Way worse.

Hard truth #3: I wish this wasn’t the case, but even when you get the tools and do work on yourself, the conversations are still hard. What actually gets better is how you feel having done it. And lo and behold, in most cases your relationship with the other person gets better too.

And now, how do we do this? How do we walk into these difficult conversations without spontaneously combusting with fear and anxiety? (For the record, I don’t believe this has ever happened in real life). Here’s some steps:

  1. Get clear on what it is you need to say and try to avoid blaming, criticizing, and making the other person wrong. Instead of saying, “I really think you’re a jerk when you say this to me” you can say, “You probably have no idea, but it actually hurts my feelings when you say that. Can I please ask that you stop?”
  2. Let go of any attachment to the outcome. Of course you want it to go your way. Of course you want your partner to grovel with apologies or your boss to make big changes because of your requests. But, that doesn’t always happen. The truth is some people get uncomfortable with you being vulnerable and in that moment they…panic. Which brings me to…
  3. Get clear on what you need to walk away from the conversation having done in order to make yourself feel proud. Most of the time it’s simply making your needs be heard. Whether it’s received well is up to the other person, but all you are responsible for is YOU.
  4. Have the conversation at the right time. The discussion is going to be awkward enough, do it when you and the other person can hear it. Not at 11 pm at night when you and your husband are beat tired, not first thing on a Monday morning when you know your boss is walking into a meeting and a million emails, not when you call your mom and you can tell she’s shopping at Ross on 10% off Tuesday. Your timing is important.

I believe a lot of change comes from awkward conversations. We need to have more of them. It’s understandable that you’re scared. So is the person receiving it. And let’s be honest, most of us are scared many moments in the day and you live through those moments too. Change doesn’t happen by staying silent. So, what do you choose?

http://www.yourkickasslife.com/187

 

Dec 20, 2017
Episode 186: Interview with Sasha Tozzi
48:20

Welcome back for the fourth episode in this recovery series (in addition to the 10 recovery episodes we aired last year)! My guest today is writer, life & recovery coach and speaker Sasha Tozzi.

Love addiction was a big realization to Sasha after she got sober and today she makes a conscious decision not to put people above her sitting on a pedestal. She also shares that learning how to trust herself and others again was a challenge for her (and so much more).

It’s important to understand that the addictions we are talking about today are isolating addictions, and it is important to have support as we go forward.

http://yourkickasslife.com/186

 

Dec 19, 2017
Episode 185: Get Excited About Failing
48:03

For this episode I’m bringing back a repeat guest: the amazing Lori Harder! The first time Lori was here I really connected with her, and I felt like we had some unfinished conversation, which is why I’m so excited to do this today.

Lori uses the approach of mixing and matching both fitness and personal development, and she shares how failure and negativity will undoubtedly be a big part of your growth (and success).

You’ll hear how we all have personal fears that we’re working through, but it’s in his fear that opportunities can be revealed. Surrounding yourself with the like-minded people is key, and can you give the fresh perspective that you need.

http://yourkickasslife.com/185

 

Dec 13, 2017
Episode 184: Interview with Aidan Donnelly Rowley
48:28

Welcome to another recovery episode of the podcast, where today my guest is Aidan Donnelley Rowley. Aidan is a very special human and I’m glad to share her story with you today!

In this episode she goes in detail about her personal journey with drinking, and as you’ll hear, it’s a different story than most. With the help of a therapist, her husband and her immense love for writing, Aidan was able to identify her issues with her drinking and how they were impacting her professional and personal life.

Whether you’re in recovery, or thinking about it, the wisdom Aidan shares today is sure to help you in your own journey.

http://yourkickasslife.com/182

 

Dec 12, 2017
Episode 183: You are magnificent and how to stop feeling like shit
34:16

Ass kickers!

Today I’m bringing you two things:

  1. I wrote you a poem and I perform it for you with sweaty palms on this podcast episode. It was VERY SCARY for me to do. I hope you like it. You can also read it below.
  2. Also in this episode I’m talking about WHY I wrote this book, what it’s about, how it will change your life, what it all has to do with shame, and where you can come and see me this January so I can give you a giant hug and we’ll take a selfie.

First, here is the poem I wrote you. (There’s a lot more context in the podcast episode, so even if you don’t regularly listen, you may want to tune in for this one…)

You are magnificent.

You, woman with listening to these words, stop what you are doing and let that sink in.

No matter what your inner-voice tells you.

No matter what the magazines say.

No matter what our cultures twists us to believe... you are magnificent.

 

When a woman finally realizes this it’s like seeing two lovers embracing each other at an airport.

It being too unbearably long that they have converged.

Your unembraced magnificence is waiting patiently for you.

It will wait as long as it needs to, whispering quiet invitations to your life.

 

Will you stop and listen?

 

If you pause long enough you can hear it calling you.

Breathless storms of light beckoning you home.

Home being that place of magnificence.

Your magnificence.

 

You, dear woman, hold more power than you know.

Maybe you’ve caught glimpses of it and it scared you.

Maybe you’ve let it out and someone else squashed it in their own fear.

Maybe you can feel it but deny it.

Maybe you’ve destroyed it before it could even rise up.

 

Please, I beg you.

Walk towards it.

It won’t hurt you.
It IS you.

 

You are magnificent.

(#raisehelliscoming)

 --------------------

Second, I talk a lot about what’s in How To Stop Feeling Like Shit: 14 Habits That Are Holding You Back From Happiness including the two main solutions. I mention a lot of links in this episode, so here you go:

Link to pre-order the book, as well as the place to claim your bonuses (use that same link if you’ve already pre-ordered but haven’t claimed your bonuses yet or signed up for the free book club!)

Share the book trailer here on Facebook.

If you know of a podcast you think I should be interviewed on, tell us here.

NYC book signing will be on January 6th. We don’t have a bookstore yet (coming soon!), but please sign up here to be notified about where and what time.

NYC workshop is here (space is VERY limited!)  

Chicago book signing is here.

Chicago workshop is here.

San Diego book signing is here.

Portland book signing is here.

Greensboro, NC book signing is here.

I hope to see you in one of those cities, if not, I hope to see you in the free book club!

Hugs and ass kicking,

Andrea

http://yourkickasslife.com/183

 

Dec 06, 2017
Episode 182: Interview with Kristi Coulter
50:59

Today I have another recovery episode for you, with my guest Kristi Coulter. I first learned about Kristi when an essay that she had written went viral, and if you haven’t read it yet, I encourage you to do so. Even if you’re not in recovery, the messages she shares are so powerful.

In this episode we discuss a lot of Kristi’s writings, including an essay she wrote about how to not drink at Thanksgiving, and she shares with us her story about her relationship with alcohol (and the road to recovery).

Kristi is an incredible writer and woman in recovery, and I’m so honored to have been able to speak with her and share this important conversation.

http://yourkickasslife.com/182

 

Dec 05, 2017
Episode 181: Overwhelm, being in control, and more
58:15

I’m so excited to bring you this interview today with my friend Heather Chauvin. With a professional background in mental health, Heather is now a leader in the space of parenting and women’s issues, and she brings her insight (and great energy!) to the show today.

A big part of what Heather does is inspiring others to take back control of how they want to lead, work, play and parent. Where does this all start? Heather shows us how you need to begin by taking action in order to create your own reality and take back control from the overwhelm of life.

http://yourkickasslife.com/181

 

Nov 29, 2017
Episode 180: Interview with Anna David
42:04

I’m so excited today to be kicking off 10 extra podcast episodes of The Recovery Series! For newer listeners of the podcast, I am a person in long-term recovery from alcohol addiction, and before that faced other addictions like co-dependency.

You would not believe how many people have emailed me to tell me how this series helped them get (and stay!) sober, which is why it means so much to be that I can bring these episodes to you.

The first guest this year of The Recovery Series is Anna David, a New York Times bestselling author of books about addiction, recovery and relationships. Anna is amazing in the recovery world and even wrote a book called Party Girl: A Novel, where she talks openly about her days while still drinking.

http://yourkickasslife.com/180

 

Nov 28, 2017
Episode 179: Start With Yourself
56:30

Today’s guest is a real life friend of mine – and actually one of the first friends I made when we moved to North Carolina. “Ella” is actually her initials and the name she goes by online, not her real first name (think Beyoncé or Madonna)! She’s so fancy 😉

In this episode Ella shares about that place where wellness and personal development meet. We look at how you can make the decision to not beat yourself up with shame (and find a balance) and so much more!

http://yourkickasslife.com/179

 

Nov 22, 2017
Episode 178: Where to start in personal development
29:36

Hi ass kickers!

Today I’m answering a common questions, and that’s Where do I start in personal development?

There’s so many topics-- from surrender to self-love to forgiveness? Where in the world do we begin? Well, I’ve broken it down into 5 places to look at, as well as created a handy-dandy worksheet for you to follow along and get your own insight into where might be a good place for you to start.

In the episode, I break down these 5 areas:

  • Addictions
  • Therapy  (link to therapy episode)
  • Core beliefs
  • Negative self talk
  • Communication

Hopefully, this episode will give you clear insight to where you can look that will set you up on a path to healing and betterment, as well as let you know you are NOT alone if you’re feeling overwhelmed in not knowing where to start.

http://yourkickasslife.com/178

 

Nov 15, 2017
Episode 177: all about forgiveness
38:42

In this episode we’re talking all about forgiveness, and today’s guest literally wrote the book on this topic! Emily Hooks is the author of The Power of Forgiveness, and as you’ll hear from this conversation, this subject can be complex.

At the root of it, forgiveness isn’t about the other person; it is about healing yourself.

If life isn’t showing up how you want it to that’s a sign that it’s trying to show us what to heal, forgive or learn. This is what makes it so important that we explore the relationships in our lives, with both ourselves and other people.

Ultimately, you will decide if there is a need for forgiveness based on the impact of what happened. Rewriting your own story is possible and can lead you to start the healing process now. Best of all, you can use what has happened to you for good, no matter how traumatic the experience.

http://yourkickasslife.com/177

 

Nov 08, 2017
Episode 176: What the work actually looks like
01:04:31

Many months ago I sent out a survey looking for what you wanted to hear more of on the podcast, and the results are in! A handful of you wanted to hear more stories from “regular” women (and not experts in personal development), so today I am bringing you a conversation I had with a coaching client of mine.

Janessa Nickell is a client I’ve worked with for many months over this past year, and in this episode she talks about her struggles and what she was facing when she decided to work with me privately. She reveals that through the work that was done, she now has the confidence to be able to do this work on herself, but it wasn’t without becoming extremely vulnerable first. Like everyone, not only does Janessa have a story to tell but now she is going out in the world and sharing it!

The heart of what I do is around vulnerability, shame resilience, and courage. It’s sometimes hard for me to explain what this looks like and it’s easier to hear it coming out of the mouth of someone who’s experienced it. As you’ll hear, it takes a decision and a commitment to the work.

http://yourkickasslife.com/176

 

Nov 01, 2017
Episode 175: Hungry for happiness
58:44

Did you know it’s ok to not love your body? Well you can, and then start taking steps forward and become in tune with it. Here to share her insight on body image (and all things related) is Samantha Skelly, an emotional eating expert who’s revolutionizing the weight loss industry by uncovering the underlying causes of eating disorders.

Shame kept Samantha stuck, but as you’ll hear pain is a divine teacher. She reveals why we need to feel in order to heal, and how it’s not about being a certain weight but really how you feel about yourself.

http://yourkickasslife.com/175

 

Oct 25, 2017
Episode 174: Listener Q & A on should I stay or go? And learning to say no
49:23

Hi ass kickers!

Welcome to another Listener Q & A episode! I have my friend Kate on again as we tackle two questions from the YKAL community. Here is question 1:

Hi Andrea,

I found your recovery series compelling and now I know why. I am involved in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic (or at least I think so).

My question is this: I do not know whether I should stay or go. I try to do research on a book to read and to get more information and it is pretty confusing. My therapist agrees that I should leave him. I see book reviews on books that say I should love and understand him and then he and I (codependent) can both heal. I do not know what book to read. I do not know what to do. I just know that my brain is big ball of string when I try to untangle this, and my heart is broken in pieces. -Kathryn

Kate and I are both in agreement that Kathryn should start by taking care of herself, and give her a couple of resources to do that. We discuss the very important thing Kathryn should be clear about before she decides to leave (if she ever decides that) that anyone can contemplate before leaving a committed relationship.

**************************************************

Question 2 is:

Curveballs.

I'm not even talking about major curveballs. On Monday I had a goal that I was going to clamp down on for my business. Today was the day.

Then the landlady knocks on the door to say that today is the day the guy is coming to paint, and sorry she didn't tell me earlier, she didn't want to bother me yesterday.

Then I decide to make a plan with a friend of mine to go to her house, so that I don't end up sleeping in paint fumes all day and trying to work in chaos. It works out so perfectly because she happens to be in my area at that very moment and she is able to pick up.

The point is, that day ended up being more of a tagging along doing my friend's errands (one of which has been a huge blessing - saving me a bit of money). But, I couldn't help feeling like I "should" be clamping down on the original goal.

I'll be honest and say that some of my anxiety was due to the fear of lack of focus when I was not in my own home, and I am still learning about how to put up boundaries when I'm with other people and say "hey, I'm kinda working, could you leave me alone?" I am still learning how not to always be the accommodating rather than a decision maker.

I just am tired of that and wanna grow up. So, how does an empowered woman, not go down that spiral and instead recognise what's happening when there is a curveball and use it efficiently? -Niki

Kate and I answer what seems like two questions from Niki: how to say “no” in a polite, yet firm way, and how to surrender to life when things don’t go as planned. We both have different viewpoints about productivity, share our personal experience there and give Niki advice about what to ask herself in those frustrating situations.

http://www.yourkickasslife.com/174

 

Oct 18, 2017
Episode 173: Angels, guides, and you
35:16

I’m excited for you to hear this episode, because it’s the first time I've had a witch on the podcast! Just kidding (sort of) --today my guest is psychic medium Laura Powers, and she’s showing us how each of us can access our own intuition to learn about our true selves.

As Laura shares, we can actually be proactive and take different approaches to reach out to our angels (or guides, as she calls them). We can also learn to recognize when they are trying to reach out to us, and then open ourselves up to this communication.

I think you’ll be fascinated what she has to say, as this episode of the podcast is a real eye opener!

http://yourkickasslife.com/173

 

Oct 11, 2017
Episode 172: End the stigma. Open the conversation.
33:44

There’s a chance that anyone listening to this podcast has dealt with feelings of anxiety and depression. Our guest today is Quentin Vennie, and he’s openly battled and survived not only these afflictions, but he’s also overcome addiction and now encourages others to be proactive in caring for their mental health.

In this episode, Quentin talks openly about his struggles growing up being a male in the community he was raised in and the expectations that society had on him as being a man. He shares how this contributed to his anxiety and depression disorders, but by listening you’ll hear how he was able to use different modalities and paths to process and for healing himself.

http://yourkickasslife.com/172

 

Oct 04, 2017
Episode 171: How to change your mind from fear to love
48:31

I’m so excited to bring you today’s show with guest Maria Felipe. Marie is an author who’s achieved success as a model and actress, and used to be a WWF hostess! She has so much energy that it’s infectious, and you’re going to absolutely love listening to her story!

As you’ll hear, Maria’s own journey started with her trying to find happiness inside her, and she started doing the deep work to heal herself. She recognized that we’ve been run by a society that is ego driven, and this makes us feel that fear and sadness is normal. Maria is trying to change this thinking though through her work, and to show people that happiness and feeling at peace is actually normal.

http://yourkickasslife.com/171

 

Sep 27, 2017
Episode 170: Maybe you don't need no stinkin' purpose
18:25

My friend Beth Grant posted something on Facebook recently that caught my attention. She said,

“Purpose is a need of the ego, to make it feel important. I'm much more interested in self-expression. I would much more focus on PATH than purpose. I would want you to do that, too. To find your true path and live it. Every path has a purpose, after all ... life is a learning experience and your path is a means of self-expression.

I've said it a thousand times ... your purpose in life is to be yourself. That's it. It's not more complicated than that.”

I’ve written about purpose before. I’ve always felt it was this thing in personal development that some gurus treat as a kind of secret. That once we find our purpose in life we’ll FINALLY feel like we have all our shit together, we’ll feel like we’re “fixed”, and we can join their secret club and wait for the others to join in. And I think that’s bullshit.

I do feel like I’m lucky and not lucky that I feel I’ve found my purpose, but lucky that I don’t feel the need to find IT. The One Thing. The ultimate portion of my life that will make me feel fulfilled.

To be clear, I actually DO feel like I’ve found my purpose. It’s not life coaching, or mothering my children, or even speaking out about things I’m passionate about. My purpose, like Beth mentions above, is my path. It’s my life.

And I do think that when one does dive into personal development, this becomes a trap. Just another topic to entice people with like the dangling carrot.

I totally understand where this comes from on a deep level. We want to know that our lives matter. We want to feel that we matter. That we’re not just taking up space in this crowded, noisy world.

And I wish I could snap my fingers and just tell you, “Let it go, sister! Your purpose is your path. Just accept it.” and all is well and you can skip along your life feeling relieved. Maybe it is this easy, but what if it’s not? Quite honestly, I don’t think it’s my job to convince you. What I can tell you is one of the things that is paramount in working on is surrender and self-trust.

Surrendering means that you give up the notion that there is this one true destiny for you. That you give up that you have to know The Answer and that if you can just figure it out, you’ll be happier, and that’s your solution. Surrendering doesn’t have to mean you pray over your crystals or mediate to the archangel/goddess/priestess of the day to show you the way. I think those are all fine things to do but that’s not how I do it.

Surrendering to the path means that even when things go what I deem as wrong, I feel whatever I’m feeling, and keep moving forward. I don’t hide, or numb it out, or feel like the world is against me. It literally is what it is. When things don’t go the way I planned or how I wanted, I still get frustrated or angry, but I know on a deep level that I’ll be okay. I actually have NO IDEA if our lives have a pre-determined destiny or if we’re just floating around accidental-like on a breeze like Forrest Gump tells us. Most days I think it’s somewhere in the middle. What I do feel on a deep level is that many of us are what I like to call “seekers”. We’re seeking a deeper meaning of life. We’re seeking to better ourselves. We’re seeking out other people like us. We’re seeking who we really are.

And seekers are typically really, really smart. Hence, having a hard time surrendering. We want to know all these answers asap. I’m like that too. But, what I know to be absolutely true is that the more I try to force the answers, the more I try to seek this purpose, the more stressed and anxious I get. I lose the seeker inside of me.

Self-trust is the sister of surrender. It’s knowing we’re going to be okay. It’s knowing you are loved and a magnificent human being even when things aren’t going well and you feel like you don’t know your purpose. It’s knowing that because you are a seeker, that is your purpose. It’s knowing your path is your purpose.

So, fellow seekers of your purpose. I hope you have found some solace from this post. Your path is your purpose. Your life is your purpose. You being a seeker is your purpose. You’re doing it. You’re fulfilling it. It won’t look perfect, you’ll question it and wonder if you’re doing it right and the answer will always be yes.

Resources from this post:
What if you haven’t found your “thing” yet?

http://yourkickasslife.com/170

Sep 20, 2017
Episode 169: Here's what's coming
08:15

http://yourkickasslife.com/169



Since many of you are new to the YKAL community (if you are,
Haiiii!) I thought it would be helpful to record a quick episode and post about what’s coming for the rest of the year as well as what you can expect in 2018. All I can say is: GET READY TO KICK SOME ASS.

First, my free workshop on my 3 Most Effective Ways to Manage Your Inner-Critic is coming up on September 21st. Go here to sign up for that or text the word GREMLIN to 444999.

The class: Kick Your Gremlin’s Ass is coming next week too. This is the LAST TIME I will run this live. If you feel your life is being run by negative self-talk, this class is for you! (If you sign up for the workshop above, there’s special bonuses and a price break.)

MY NEW BOOK HOW TO STOP FEELING LIKE SHIT COMES OUT ON JANUARY 2nd! (Pre-order here, y’all) There will be a study group for the book led by yours truly. Registration opens late January, and we’ll start sometime in February. Go here to be the first to know about that.

I’ll also be doing a book tour and hitting cities for book signings, meet-ups and small, exclusive workshops. When I sent out a survey a few months ago many of you said instead of doing multi-day retreats, you’d love to be able to come to a half-day workshop, so that’s what I’m doing! If you want to know if I’m coming to a city near you, click here and sign up to be notified!

RAISE HELL is coming in April. OMG, y’all. I’m so excited for this class I can barely stand it. Raise Hell is about you taking back your life. It’s about figuring out what you want, what you need, asking for it, and going after it with support from me and your group of soul sisters. It’s about accountability and feeling fear and walking through it. It’s about you.

THE MENTORSHIP is coming next fall. We’re diving deeper into things like core beliefs, vulnerability, negative self-talk, shame resilience, and whatever primary focus you bring. There will also be a weekend retreat and 1:1 sessions with me included in this group. For a small group of women by application only.

Sep 16, 2017
Episode 168: Are you in alignment with your soul?
47:26

http://yourkickasslife.com/168 


Hey Ass-Kickers! 

This is an episode that’s a little more “woo-woo” than normal, but I’ve just been really attracted to these types of topics lately – and y’all get to come along with me! 

Lisa Fabrega is a truth-telling coach, writer and innovator in the realm of leadership, and today we’re talking all about our souls and how they will constantly need to be re-aligned due to the societal pressures we face. She also shares with us how we can start to listen to our souls, and a whole lot more interesting information that is sure to get you assessing your own situation. 

Sep 13, 2017
Episode 167: Life Lessons from Cha Cha DiGregorio
27:49

http://yourkickasslife.com/167

 

 

“They call me Cha Cha...because I’
m the best dancer at St. Bernadette’s”

Everyone has their favorite character from the movie Grease. Maybe you relate to Sandy and her quest for true love, or goofball Frenchie.

For me, my absolute love affair has always been with the character Cha Cha DiGregorio.

Of course she’s a fictional character, played in the movie version by the late Annette Charles, but even as a child I’ve loved her. She played a smaller role in the movie, but it didn’t matter to me. Everything she was about, I loved. However, the attributes of her character that I adored about her, are also the things we, as women, are not particularly celebrated for. In other words, even in the movie, Cha Cha was not well liked.

First, we are introduced to Cha Cha by Kenickie, where she says, “They call me Cha Cha...because I’m the best dancer at St. Bernadette’s” This woman actually does what we are told not to do: brags about herself. She knows she’s the best damn dancer and she tells people SHE JUST MET. HELL YES. And holy crap, she IS a great dancer.

Then, she sees Danny on the dance floor, grabs him and they start dancing, Sandy storms off in a huff. Sandy could have stood up to Cha Cha, she could have said, “Hey Danny, WTF, you came to the dance with me so why are you dancing her her?” But noooo, since we all love Sandy so much, we all feel sorry for her and hate Cha Cha for being such a bitch.


Here she is leaving all “WAHHH, someone stole my
date and I won’t fight to get him back.”

But, the way I looked at it was WOW. Cha Cha sees what she wants and goes after it. And no, I don’t condone snatching other people’s dates, but if we look at this strictly as symbolism, Cha Cha is a woman who doesn’t give a shit if she hurts someone’s feelings. She’s not concerned about “playing nice”

So, she and Danny and killing it on the dance floor, and then this happens


Holy shit.

Again, ZERO FUCKS this woman. She couldn’t care less that everyone can see her underwear (bloomers?) and that Danny is basically sitting on her face in front of God and everybody, including the whole school and teachers. Plus, since she goes to St. Bernadette's’, you bet your ass that’s a Catholic school where this kind of behavior is is frowned upon. But, guess who doesn’t care? That’s right, Cha Cha Digregorio.

After the most epic hand jive in the history of the universe commences, OBVIOUSLY with Cha Cha being the dance contest winner (well, you were good too, Danny, but you would have been nothing without her), based on the sheer enthusiasm she has for dancing. I mean, we could all take a lesson from her on doing something you love and running head first into the euphoria of it. Then, the teacher comes out to award the trophy and does Cha Cha patiently wait to have it handed to her? NOPE, she straight up and down snatches that trophy and proudly waves it around with a look on her face of I AM THE GREATEST DANCER THAT EVER LIVED WHY WOULD THERE BE ANY QUESTION EVER THAT THIS TROPHY IS MINE.

God, I love this woman.

Obviously, I’m not saying everyone should take other people’s boyfriends and dance partners whenever they feel like it. I am however, asking you to take a closer look at this character and see the parts of her many of us can take lessons from.

LIFE LESSONS FROM CHARLENE “CHA CHA” DIGREGORIO

She sees what she wants and goes after it. She saw an opportunity and went after it. Where in your life have you passed up opportunities because you didn’t think you were qualified enough, smart enough- basically not good enough? Probably somewhere. Would Cha Cha pass up that opportunity for a promotion? Nope. Would she not speak up in a meeting because she felt other people wouldn’t like her ideas? Nope again. She knows deserves it and if it doesn’t work out? Meh, there’s always next time. There will always be a next time.

She owns her superpower. She knows she is a great dancer. She tells people. She doesn’t care that other people are great dancers too. She allows herself to be free, embraces it, and even breaks the rules to fully throw herself into her dancing. Would Cha Cha be worried that other people might judge her dancing? Not a chance. I hope you can look in the mirror, know your superpower, and LOVE yourself for it.

When people clearly don’t like her, she gives exactly zero fucks about it. When Frenchie mentions Cha Cha’s “worst reputation” I thought the gym would light on fire with the glare she shoots Frenchie. Cha Cha seems to have no female friends, only the boys and she doesn’t care. She could have burst into tears, she could have chased the Pink Ladies around trying to be friends, she could have apologized to Sandy for stealing her date, but she does. Not. Care. She’s not there to make friends, she’s there to have a good time. Of course I’m all for friendships-- but where in your life could you ease up on giving so many shits about what everyone thinks? Where are you spending a metric shit-ton of energy worrying if people are talking about your or not?

From now on when I’m doubting myself, or worried about anything, I’m going to ask myself, “What would Cha Cha DiGregorio do?” And I hope you can adopt that too.

 

Sep 06, 2017
Episode 166: Changing the diet mentality
59:41

http://yourkickasslife.com/166

Today we have Isabel Foxen Duke joining me again on the podcast, this time to talk about how women are experiencing the diet culture. I love having Isabel as a guest and I’m excited because she is an absolute expert on this topic!

In today’s world, women are getting so many messages from the media and the body image issues that arise can lead us into multiple behaviors. I open up in this episode about my own past relationships with food and eating, and it’s something that I haven’t shared like this in any of the past episodes.

Aug 30, 2017
Episode 165: The Self-Love Experiment with Shannon Kaiser
35:43

http://yourkickasslife.com/165

Hey Ass Kickers!

I’m joined today by best selling author (and so much more!), Shannon Kaiser. Shannon’s new book is called The Self-Love Experiment: Fifteen Principles for Becoming More Kind, Compassionate, and Accepting of Yourself, which goes along so well with what we talk about here on the Your Kick-Ass Life Podcast.

Through her work, Shannon shows others how to fall in love with their lives and fearlessly live their full potential. But do we really know what self-love is, and how to love the parts of us that we think are unlovable?

Aug 23, 2017
Episode 164: Changing The Way We Change with John Kim
31:34
Hi. 
 
So, the way it works over here is that the weekly emails and podcast episodes get ready several days in advance. Saves everyone on the YKAL team some stress and what can I say— I like to be prepared. 
 
And then the events in Charlottesville, Virginia happened on Saturday. 
 
I’ve been sitting here at home with my kids sick over it, spending long moments staring off into space feeling worried, helpless, hopeless, angry, and afraid. (Which I know this is my privilege to do so). Wondering if I should halt all podcast episodes and other events I have going on. Seems ludicrous to talk about anything but that. 
 
The thing is, racism is all around us. It’s in our faces. And it can only be dismantled if we talk about it, get uncomfortable confronting and admitting our own biases, rinse and repeat. There is more, but as I have mentioned— I am not the expert here. If you missed some episodes where we dive more into this, you can check them out here and here
 
Yes, we can choose kindness and love and all those wonderful things, but we cannot sit by and do nothing. Reading and listening is a great first step. Some great pieces of writing I’ve read lately are Most Women You Know Are Angry— And That’s All Right, by Laurie Penny, and Dear White Women: This Is Definitely Us, by Janelle Hanchett (which, btw, Janelle is coming on the recovery series podcast in December. Get ready). 
 
And at the end of the day, the beat still goes on. We can do both— work on our own personal development, live our lives, and love our people and at the same time try to dismantle the racism all around us. 
 
xo,
Andrea 

 

For full post visit: http://yourkickasslife.com/164

Hey Ass Kickers!

In this episode I’m bringing on a guest that has a similar story as mine, in that he too had a painful divorce that became the catalyst for his better life. John Kim created the blog The Angry Therapist, and although he has a background in clinical therapy, he’s now unconventional and shaking up this model and actually forming a movement.

You’ll hear us talk a lot about the differences between therapy (as most people know it) and life coaching – particularly the style that John uses to bring out the best in each and every client he works with.

Like John, I’ve always felt that the clinical therapy route is somewhat outdated, with the therapist often being put up on a pedestal with the client thinking he or she has a “perfect life”. You’ll find that he’s as real as they come though; he’s raw and transparent, and openly admits that he himself is a work in progress. I think this is why his message resonates with so many people…

Aug 16, 2017
Episode 163: Pulp (Non) Fiction with Kira and Amy
57:35

http://yourkickasslife.com/163

Hey Ass Kickers!

I can absolutely guarantee that this episode of the podcast is unlike any that you’ve listened to (as if you couldn’t tell by the title)? I wanted to do something a bit different, so I’m bringing on two good friends, and pasts guests: Amy Smith of The Joy Junkie and Kira Sabin of The League of Adventurous Singles.

Both Amy and Kira will be co-hosting Tanning, Tacos and Transformation with me, and I thought this episode would be a great way for me to introduce you to them - if you don’t already know who they are!

I promise you are going to hear some personal development and topics we talk about a lot of the podcast: worthiness, confidence, boundaries, relationships and more. Most of this chat though is us asking each other some ridiculous questions, for which we have some even more ridiculous answers.

I do want to warn you that there is a lot of foul language in this one, and it contains probably the most bad words I’ve ever had in an episode (needless to say, today’s conversation isn’t for children)!

 

Aug 09, 2017
Episode 162: Can kindness change the world?
44:53

http://yourkickasslife.com/162

Hey Ass Kickers!


Today’s guest is Orly Wahba, the CEO of Life Vest Inside. She’s here to talk all about how kindness is the greatest tool we have for empowering ourselves – and as Director of Kindness Boomerang, CEO of Kindness USA, and the author of Kindness Boomerang, Orly is a great person to share her insights on the subject.

As you’ll hear from Orly, who you are means a lot more than what you do, and we need to recognize that we all have the power to resolve the issues that our society is facing today.

Aug 02, 2017
Episode 161: Listener Q & A on Dreams, Goals, and Family
29:08

http://www.yourkickasslife.com/160

 

Hi ass kicker! I’m so excited to have returning guest (two weeks in a row!) Elizabeth DiAlto on the show today for another Q & A episode.

So many of you-- on your quest to live YOUR kick-ass life, have dreams, goals, and ambitions, But, what happens when not everyone is onboard or in our cheering section? The two questions today are from women in the YKAL community who are asking just that. We're talking about some really juicy topics, so let’s dive in…

The first question comes from Jennifer. She asks:

How do you stay committed to your dream when your spouse or significant other is not on board? How do you continue to speak your truth and not just bite your tongue and abandon your dream to keep the peace?

Elizabeth and I talk about what to do in that situation-- do you keep trying to get your partner on board, or do something else? We have advice!

Then, Rachel asks a similar question:

What do you do when you feel like your dreams and ambitions are surpassing those of your family members, and they don't know how to handle it? I've grown a lot over the last couple years, but some of my older siblings haven't. I feel like I'm "showing off" around them now, or like I have to act less-developed or hold back. These are people I still want in my life. I almost feel guilty for growing ? I don't, by any means, feel like I'm better than them, at all. I'm just in a different stage of my personal development journey than they are, and it feels uncomfortable.

For Rachel, is this a boundaries issue? Should she “quiet herself down”? We’ve got answers to these Q’s and my guest Elizabeth was the perfect person to have on to help sort things out!

And hey-- if you liked this episode you would LOVE  the free workshop we are hosting tomorrow! Well, ELizabeth is going to do most of the talking and I'll be more of her sidekick. I love these kind of live workshops because we get to interact with you and I will be giving away a signed copy of my book during the workshop! Plus, we have a private, “pop-up” Facebook group that you’re invited too (also free) where we can further the conversation.

The workshop is titled Four Things You Can Do To Clear Out The BS In Your Life and Be More Receptive To What You Actually Want and you can head over to yourkickasslife.com/elizabeth to sign up for free, or click the image below. See you there!

Jul 26, 2017
Episode 160: Trust, Surrender, Compassion and more
38:32

http://yourkickasslife.com/160 

Hey Ass Kickers!

Today I’m joined by my friend, and another past guest of the podcast, Elizabeth DiAlto! Elizabeth is a teacher, leader, speaker and coach (as well an author and podcast host) and she is known for her raw, honest and grounded approach to self-help and spirituality.

In this episode you’re going to hear all about the workshop Elizabeth and I are presenting this month, specifically for the Your Kick-Ass Life audience, surrounding practical tools for women to be more receptive to what they want in life.


Jul 19, 2017
Episode 159: Listener Q & A on a plethora of different topics
52:59

http://yourkickasslife.com/159

 

Hi ass kickers! It’s a listener Q & A day! Today I bring on my long-time friend, Courtney Webster, to help me answer three questions from some awesome ladies in the YKAL community. Here they are and what we cover in today’s episode:

don't know how to phrase it...you finally decided to make a radical change or take a huge risk toward something big. How to overcome the resulting fear and doubt and keep the momentum. - Karen

  • Courtney and I pull out some of our finest coaching tools to answer this questions-- everything from the WHY to values to permission to make mistakes.
  • We ask some further challenging questions for Karen to ask herself to help create more momentum.

The second listener question is similar to Karen’s, but so important to help creating the life you want.

How do you not to go into "avoidance or stall mode" when your inner-critic starts in on your big change plan resulting in you not proceeding with your plan! - Diane

Courtney and I talk about:

  • What the inner-critic’s main job is and how it stops you, and how to make the small steps to bypass it.
  • The most important question your coach should ask you about accountability.
  • Questions to ask yourself if you’re on your own and don’t have a coach, but still want to kick some ass.

Our last question is one I thought SO many of you could relate to…

How do you stop yourself from obsessing or overanalyzing something that someone said to you? Or replaying situations or conversations in your mind?  As the Frozen girls would say, how do you "let it go" when it is something not worth asking the other person about or clarifying with them? I feel like in today's world, especially with texting, it is so easy to assume someone is mad when at you when they just text back an emoji thumbs up, or worse, the letter 'k."  How do you stop turning something into a big deal in your head when most likely they were just tired, stressed, or too busy to think of a better response? -Stefanie

For this question we discuss:

  • The brain science of what’s happening here, so hopefully the awareness around that will help.
  • The magic of being able to assign a different assumption to what we receive instead of assuming the worst.
  • What’s your responsibility and what’s theirs.

Also, If you’d like to get twice a month updates on free workshops and if I have a new class open for registration, simply text the word UPDATES to 444999. Enjoy the episode!

Jul 12, 2017
Episode 158: How to be a badass at making money
38:46

http://yourkickasslife.com/158

Hey Ass Kickers!

In this episode, Jen Sincero returns as a guest of the Your Kick-Ass Life Podcast. Jen is a #1 NY Times Bestselling Author with her book, You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life and she’s helped countless people transform their personal and professional lives.

Last time Jen was on the show, she shared all about the power of surrender, why creativity isn’t limited to just art, and powerful exercises to get clear on who you are and why you’re here. Today, we’re talking about something we all face: how to uplevel your mindset around money, identifying the fears you’re carrying and how to overcome them so you can live your best life possible.

Jen reveals today what you’ll learn from her latest book, You Are a Badass at Making Money: Master the Mindset of Wealth. With a title like that, you know this is an episode that you need to tune into!

Jul 05, 2017
Episode 157: How to find a great therapist and how to get the most out of it
35:00

http://yourkickasslife.com/157

 

Hi ass kickers! Today I’m talking about therapy. More specifically, how to choose a therapist that’s right for you as well as how to get the most out of therapy.

First, why therapy? If you keep repeating the same patterns, if you’re blaming a lot (you are tolerating bullshit or not taking responsibility for your own shit, or both) then therapy is for you.

If you have Family of Origin issues (who doesn’t?), then therapy is for you. Not a place to blame and shame your family, but to see what core beliefs were developed as a result of the wounds that happened as you grew up.  

If you need a safe place to talk to someone, therapy is for you.

First, how do you find a therapist that’s best for us? Google? Just get a referral from someone? A therapist whose website says they have a specialty you need?

Well, with my own years of experience of therapists, having great ones and not so great ones, here’s my advice and the advice of the smartest people I know: My Facebook friends. In this episode you’ll hear some highlights (keep in mind, I go into more detail on the podcast that what you’ll read below):

First, how to find one:

Stacy says, “Research their areas of concentration. Have an initial meeting, chemistry is important. Honesty is important, it is hard to be vulnerable, but the best therapist in the world cannot help if you keep things from them.”

Patty says, “You are about to spend A LOT of time with this person so have an initial call or session to determine if you click. Plan to interview at least 3 but possibly 10 therapists to find a good one. It used to be that a therapist approach (cognitive, behavioral etc) was important but almost every therapist says they are "eclectic" now so ask them what they believe creates change for someone. See if their answer resonates with you. Most of all trust your gut.”

Jennifer says, “Listen to your intuition in terms of how you feel interacting with them, ensure they have a specialization and/or experience in your presenting issues (it's hard to be truly skilled at everything).”

Lisa says, “Check their license to see if they have had any disciplinary actions against them first! Go with your gut. I prefer someone who has been in practice for a while and took the time to get paneled on many insurance companies boards. They might be more legitimate. Anyone can say the specialize in a topic so I do not take that too seriously.”

Mish says, “I want someone who isn't going to go off in tangents about their life. Someone who is willing to ask deep questions and isn't narrow focused. Someone who is personable but professional.”

How to get the most out of therapy:

Jennie says, “Doing what your therapist says and giving things a try for longer than half a second.”

Emma says, “Know that you have to be willing to go to the hard places. They support you, they don't fix you. You discover you don't need fixing.

The willingness to look at yourself will move mountains.

Don't expect results in two sessions - it takes time to build rapport and heal.

You need to connect with your therapist. If you don't feel comfortable with them, you won't do your best work, even if they have ten degrees. Equally, they're not supposed to be your friend. They are there to challenge, hold and support you. You have actual friends to listen to you and tell you you're right to be mad at your ex or whatever is going on for you.”

Ericka says, “If you are a person of color, having a therapist willing to talk about race or racial backgrounds and trauma. It's imperative as sometimes you need to explore all the reasons you might have pain. When I had this from my therapist, it was a blessing. She was amazing to add that perspective to my work.”

Kimberly says, “The importance of not being afraid to walk away. Even if it's your first time - if you aren't comfortable - YOU CAN find someone else. It's worth taking the time to keep going until you find someone you click with. I know how annoying repeating the "why you are here" story is, but it's better to do it over and over than waste your time and money. Go to someone YOU like and maybe that's different than someone your friend recommended. Also understand the different types of therapy that exist.”

Kelly says, “I feel like a therapist's worldview is really important to know -- but traditionally, therapist's are not supposed to disclose their worldviews or politics. I had an experience, however, in which a therapist suggested I should be more conventionally feminine and that some of my issues would fade away if I behaved in that way in my relationship. Obviously, that's not going to happen and so our two worldviews were a fundamental mismatch. It was then important to me that I find a feminist therapist who wouldn't advise me to change who I was or alter my deliberately chosen commitments in order to navigate the world. So that's what I would advise, and it's counter to the way the profession is organized: know your therapist's worldview and collective inclinations/commitments.”

Erin says, “As a therapist, I emphasize that I'm human first, trained clinician second. In other words, I am not on a pedestal, I've struggled with several similar issues as well in my life--I've just gone to school/practiced to learn the tools, thoughts, etc to move through.

I also let them know that I will circle back after our 2nd session to make sure client feels as though we are a fit-if not, I will help client find someone who is. I've had far too many clients say that they've stayed with therapists in the past way too long despite not feeling a connection because they didn't know how to "stop going." This is often one of our first "lessons" together of empowerment.

Lastly, I emphasize that after 20 years I think I've heard it all hopefully allowing them to feel as though they can bring up challenging topics without the fear of being judged.”

*************************

I have one spot open for 1:1 clients to start in August. There are two types of packages I offer to work with my privately, my most popular package is The Daring Way™, based on the research of Brené Brown. It’s a 5 month deep dive which takes you from a place of fear into courage and confidence.


If you’re in that place where your usual coping skills aren’t working anymore and you’re ready for big transformations, I invite you to check out here and if it resonates, fill out an application. Those applications come to me directly.

Jun 28, 2017
Episode 156: Self-help and social activism
39:54

http://yourkickasslife.com/156

Hey Ass Kickers!

Have you ever considered the deeper meaning behind personal development, and the self-help industry as a whole? This episode today with guest Andrea Ranae is guaranteed to get you thinking (and talking), and what she talks about affects everyone, not just coaches or someone in the self-help industry.

Andrea is a coach herself who wrote a blog post last summer titled, Why the Self-Help Industry Isn’t Changing The World, which went viral and has been shared thousands of times since. She believes there is a disconnect between our own industry and the work of social justice, and even offers a Coaching As Activism Program to her clients.

Jun 21, 2017
Episode 155: On Love, Grief, and Lessons Learned
01:13:51

http://yourkickasslife.com/155

 

Today’s episode is a bit different than my usual. I’ve brought on Amy Smith (my best friend and The Joy Junkie) as I tell the story of my father’s terminal illness and death, what it’s been like, and what I’ve learned in the seven months since it’s happened. Amy shares the story of her father’s death too.

Amy prompts me to answer the questions of:

How has it been doing all of this sober?

What has this taught you?

I thank you all for listening to this episode-- it was not easy to record, but I’m thankful for Amy for helping me and for all of you for being there. I hope this helps any of you who’ve also loved someone you love, have been through any grief of your own, or to help anyone that will someday walk this same path.

Jun 14, 2017
Episode 154: Love and relationships with Tatiana Jerome
40:33

http://yourkickasslife.com/154

Hey Ass-Kickers!

On today’s episode I welcome Tatiana Jerome to the show to give it to us straight – as a woman who doesn’t sugarcoat the truth! Her personal experiences led her to not just a successful online presence but also a career counseling women and a public speaking. Tatiana teaches how to focus on loving and taking care of ourselves first. As she shares, by prioritizing your relationship with yourself, you won’t get lost in relationships with others - and she shares fascinating insights around this topic today.

Jun 07, 2017
Episode 153: Listener Q & A on anxiety and what to do about it
57:45

http://yourkickasslife.com/153

 

Hi ass kickers,

Today is a Listener Q & A day! Thank you so much to those of you who’ve submitted questions for the podcast. We have two today, so let’s get started:

The first Q is from Stacey:

Hi Andrea,

I absolutely love your book and your podcast. As a 25 year old with loads of anxiety, I have gained a ton of knowledge and also a great sense of support with your community.

I've been seeing a therapist for a year, and I definitely have found myself  obsessing over emotions and feelings when my sessions begin and end. Have you ever stopped therapy to take a break? It sometimes makes me feel like I put so much focus on feelings that I obsess over them and lose the rational side of myself.

The answer I give covers, anxiety and what to do about that, self-trust and much more. Listen in to hear my answer/experience/advice!

For the second Q, I bring my one of my dearest friends, Kate Anthony, (you may remember her from another listener Q & A on divorce and heartbreak). This question comes from a listener named Amy:

I would love a podcast about what it really means and looks like to be with your feelings. I alternate between numbing and anxiety that can go into full blown panic attacks. It’s causing problems at work and more importantly my marriage. I'm not as patient with my kids and really just don't want to deal with anything at all. Why can't there be a 12-step to dealing with depression and anxiety? What do I do next?
I'm working on yoga and meditation, and exercise a least 4x a week. To the outside world I'm strong, calm and have the ideal life. I have lost two people very close to me. My sister two years ago and not even a year ago my stepdad passed away who I considered my father. I really don't want to take medication. I have always been a worrier and people pleaser.

In addressing this question, Kate and I talk about:

  • Why just yoga, meditation, and exercise are probably not working for Amy.
  • Medication-- should she take it or not?
  • What happens when you don’t feel your feelings, like grief?
  • HOW to actually feel your feelings? We give two tools to start with.

My immense thanks to these two podcast listeners for submitting their questions. Your courage is inspiring and helps others. If you’d like to submit a question to the podcast, you can shoot an email to support@yourkickasslife.com with “question for the podcast” in the subject line.

May 31, 2017
Episode 152: Food, desire, and you
42:25

http://yourkickasslife.com/152

 

Hey Ass-Kickers!

In this episode I’m joined by Alexandra Jamieson, who is on a mission to start a happiness pandemic in the USA. How you ask? Alex aims to inspire women to fall in love with their bodies and play life by her own rules! You may recognize Alex from her co-starring role in the massively popular 2004 documentary, Super Size Me. She’s here today to share her experiences and knowledge about the different types of cravings we get as women, and to educate us on why listening to our bodies is absolutely necessary.

 

May 24, 2017
Episode 151: How to Make Your Dreams Come True
25:39

http://yourkickasslife.com/151

Today’s post/episode could have been titled simply, “Tips to Live a Better Life” -- it simply is tips on how to make your life better, more peaceful, and yes, how to make your dreams come true. So, here they are, in no particular order...

  • Be okay with where you are right now. You may feel like you’re faaaar away from where you want to be. Instead of focusing on how much X, Y, and Z sucks, try focusing on what you want, how you’re going to change where you are, and how grateful you are for what you DO have. Total, complete change of focus. You’ll be amazed at how things change just by shifting your mindset while you work on changing your circumstances.
  • Hold steadfast to what you want and WHY you want it. Why do you want to own your own business? Why do you want to take a trip to Europe? Why do you want to finish your Masters? What will you get out of doing these things? Figure out the whys and then look for how you can fulfill those feelings now in your life. For example, if it’s freedom that you want out of your goals, think about ways you can feel free now. De-clutter your house? Running through fields of flowers with your arms outstretched? It may be on a much smaller scale, but you’re fulfilling a core feeling that’s truly important to your soul. Feed it!
  • Surround yourself with awesomeness. Your physical environment is imperative to your dream life. Like I always say, surround yourself with assholes and you’re in for a shitty life (Tweet that!). This goes for people and your surroundings. Do you love your bedroom? Is the inside of your car a wreck and you hate it? Do you loathe all of your clothes? Well then for the love of Pete change it! It’s a lot easier to feel good about yourself when you’re surrounded with what and who you love.
  • Clean up your messes. Basically, say you’re sorry if you’ve been a shit. I apologize to my kids about once a week. About the same to my husband. This may seem unrelated to making your dreams come true but this one is about peace. When you clean up your messes you have peace. And when you have peace you open up doors for what you want to enter.
  • Forgive those that have hurt you. Holding grudges and not forgiving those that have hurt you really is like setting yourself on fire and hoping the other person chokes on your smoke. You are the one that is suffering, not them. Forgiving someone else (even when they don’t ask for it and may never know that you did) is all about you loving yourself enough to know that you can’t change the past. That’s it.
  • Deal with your shit. We ALL have issues, so get help for it. Even those people you think are perfect that sprinkle glitter smiles all over the place— somewhere in their life they have issues with parents, trauma, relationships, something. You are no exception. There is no shortage of help out there. That stuff doesn’t go away on its own and your dreams coming true are dependent on it.
May 17, 2017
Episode 150: The importance of Dream Plus Do
51:21

http://yourkickasslife.com/150

Hey Ass Kickers!

Today’s guest on the podcast is Lisa Steadman, a long-time friend of mine and all-around awesome lady. Her energy is infectious and I’m sure you’ll love her! In this episode we’re talking all about happiness, and embracing the spot that you’re currently in. Lisa shows us that you can be happy with where you are in life, but still that doesn’t mean that you’re finished growing or changing either.

May 10, 2017
Episode 149: 5 Signs you need to make a change
25:50

http://yourkickasslife.com/149

 

I believe people change for two reasons: Pleasure and/or pain. They see something they want or want more of, and they go after it. And sometimes, they get to a place where they cannot stand for one more day being where they are, so they move out of the situation. Sometimes it looks like taking action, sometimes it’s inner-work, many times it’s a combo of the two.

And there are the type of people who are feeling anywhere from uncomfortable to downright shitty in their life, and maybe they don’t know why. So, I’ve compiled a list of signs that are huge red flags that it’s time to make a change. Check off as needed…

1. You’re ridiculously envious of other people lives. You think everyone has it better and easier than you do. You want a marriage like your neighbor. You want to love your job like your sister does. You want a more fun life like that one lady on Facebook. You want to dance like the Solid Gold dancers of 1979. Whatever it is you’re envying, it means you want something more in your life. That you admire something about that other person. So, why can’t you have it? If you think you can’t, I call bullshit. Your commitment to “can’t” is simply a story you’re tied to. Divorce that story and marry a new one. Seriously, you guys, it’s ALL about the story you tell yourself.

2. You’re feeling resentful. I.e. pissed. Frustrated. Irritated. Resentments are a sure sign that a few different things might be happening in your life.

  1. There’s a failure to communicate somewhere. Solution: You have the power to show up and say your truth. Has that happened? Guess whose responsibility that is?
  2. Boundaries may be crossed. Solution: First- have they been established previously? If not, that’s on you.
  3. Tied into the other two, you’re tolerating something that very well may have the ability to be changed. Solution: Either change it, or change your story around it.

3. You’re numbing out. We all want to feel relief fast. Sometimes that relief comes in spending money, drinking booze, or losing ourselves playing Candy Crush Saga. But, what are you avoiding when you’re numbing out on a regular basis? Is it your marriage? Your fears? Your insecurities?

For me, I used to numb out when I was overwhelmed. Perfectionism and control ruled me and since neither were ever something I could attain, I felt worse about myself. So, I drank, shopped, and dieted in an attempt to gain perfection and control and to numb the feelings of failure and fear. And then I felt worse and the cycle started all over again. I was avoiding my real feelings (surrender, acceptance, and vulnerability scared the holy shit out of me) rather than facing and feeling them. But clearly, it was time for a change.

Facing your issues instead of numbing out is scary, I get it. But the truth is that it DOES NOT go away if you just ignore it. In fact, it gets worse. I cannot encourage you enough to just deal with it.

4. You’re trying to change everyone else, or at least think everyone else needs to change. If everyone would just do as you say, and stop doing this and that, and just STFU, your life would be better. Ahhhhhh…..

Truth: Everyone else’s shit is not about you. Deal with your own and keep your side of the street clean. I can’t tell you how much better my own life has become since I realized this and stopped (by no means mastered. More like one day at a time) running around like a lunatic trying to change, fix, tweak, and control other people and my circumstances. What needs to be changed in your life is you dealing with your own issues instead of everyone else’s. Trying to “fix” everyone else while ignoring your own life is a chicken-shit way to feel better. (TWEET THAT!) And it doesn’t work. So, face your own stuff and make that therapy appointment. (And P.S. while you’re there watch out for spending the whole hour complaining about everyone else.)

5. Your intuition is telling you that you need to make a change. This one sounds like a no-brainer, but I had to add it. You may already be at that place where your gut and heart are telling you to draw the damn line in the sand already and change, but you may not be listening. The fear of change trumps the fear of staying the same. But, ask yourself:

How scary is it to be in this same place 5, 10, or 20 years from now? Still not as scary as changing?

Your intuition is your subconscious mind that always has your back, always knows what’s best for you, and always wants to lead you to a place of happiness and fulfillment. But, the journey is many times unknown and crazy-scary so we ignore it or go in the opposite direction. So tell me, when has ignoring your intuition ever worked out for you?

So, there you have it. And if you liked this post, I'd love for you to share it. Because you never know who might need a change.

May 03, 2017
Episode 148: The modern day priestess
57:41

http://yourkickasslife.com/148

Hey Ass Kickers!

On today’s podcast I’m joined by Julie Parker, CEO and Founder of The Beautiful You Coaching Academy (with 200 trained life coaches from around the world and growing by the hundreds every year)!

As you’ll see, Julie has a fascinating journey and insights on self-love. She’s is a modern day Priestess and she’s going to share what this is all about, along with how it ties into the divine female that we’ve been repressing for so long. Even if you’re new (like me) to what the whole “Priestess” thing is-- I think you’ll like this episode :)

Apr 26, 2017
Episode 147: Are you half-assing your personal development
36:26

http://www.yourkickasslife.com/147

 

Today’s episode is about your personal development journey and what it looks like. More specifically, for people who maybe like to “hoard” or collect personal development tools, but not use them. Or people who join personal development classes, read books, and listen to podcasts, but take no action.

And the reasons are plenty-- you’re just not ready. Maybe you’re scared it won’t work for you, scared of the uncomfortableness of the work or not committed enough to change.

To be fair-- most people spend some time in that place of collecting personal growth ideas and tools and doing nothing with them. But...are you living there?

This episode will help you see if you’re doing this, let you know you’re normal, as well as what personal development actually looks like. Because it’s one thing to say, “I want a kick-ass life!” But...what does that really mean?

And of course, wherever you are is perfect for you! It’s the awareness that’s the win! I hope you enjoyed this week’s episode as much as I enjoyed recording it for you ;)

Oh, and P.S...there’s an extra bit in the beginning about facing my birthday while grieving my father's death. I always try to give you a bit of real life.

If you’re ready to JUMP IN to your personal development, I invite you to join us one last time as I guide you through The 30-Day Experience. We’ll look at your core belief system (the beliefs that are fueling your negative self-talk), your habits that are making you feel like shit (the perfectionism, people pleasing, numbing out, isolating, you know...good ol’ self-sabotage). Learn how to be kind to yourself, have more self-confidence and have better relationships with the people you care about.

Apr 19, 2017
Episode 146: shedding light on the feminine conditioning
49:25

http://yourkickasslife.com/146

Today I welcome back a recurring guest of the podcast, my dear friend Jo Casey. Jo joined us in a previous episode of Your Kick-Ass Life to talk about the business of life coaching, but today, we’re looking at something different: How women are conditioned by our culture to be “acceptable women.”


Jo’s going to shed some light on what she calls “feminine conditioning.” Why are women so afraid to be different, and what role has society played in vilifying us? Is there a box that we’re supposed to fit into, and if so, how is being in it holding us back?

If these are things you’ve often wondered about, then you’re going to be enlightened by Jo and the powerful message she shares with us today!

Apr 12, 2017
Episode 145: Characteristics of People That Play Big
17:40

http://yourkickasslife.com/145

 

 

The term “Play Big” gets thrown around like crazy lately. And you might wonder—what does that even mean or look like? How do you know if you’re playing small? I know this firsthand because I played small for most of my life. It wasn’t until I fell flat on my face and rebuilt my life did I see what was happening and how to change it (and the best part was that *I* was totally in charge).

I thought about the foundation to what it is to actually live a big life. So, here’s a list of in my experience, what it looks like to Play Big:

  1. People that play big don’t give a shit what other people think of their dreams and goals. They may listen and take it in, but at the end of the day they do what they feel in their hearts is what they want.
  2. People that play big are in touch with what they want on the OTHER side of their goals. In other words, they tap into the feeling they really want from what it is they’re after. You want a promotion? Think about what that will bring you, what you’ll feel like when you get it. Accomplishment, validation, recognition, achievement, power. Any of those you want? (And btw- it’s totally fine to want things like power.) These are your values and when you honor them, you’re playing big.
  3. People that play big don’t apologize for what they want. Ever. (Tweet that)
  4. People that play big strive to be the best and biggest version of themselves. They get help with their issues. They take responsibility for their lives. They focus on self improvement as if their life depends on it. Because it does.
  5. People that play big are of service to others. They’re mentors, they’re philanthropists, they’re generous with their knowledge. No one really gets anywhere for long by being a selfish asshole.
  6. People that play big take action like crazy. They don’t sit around and blow smoke out their asses about it, or wait until it’s perfect, or need to get everyone’s opinion/approval on it. They just go for it. And if it fails they pick up the pieces and move on.
  7. People that play big are fully aware that it’s more about mindset than it is action. Yes, taking action important and great, but in order to get there you must get your head in the game first. They don’t believe they are different or less-than the people they admire. They see the people they want to emulate and know deep down they can do that too.

There is no guarantee things will work out  the way you envision when you do get out there and play big but you must understand that if you wait years or decades to go after what you want, to “play big” until you feel like you finally “have what it takes” you might be waiting forever. Yes, it’s uncomfortable to stretch and go after the big things you want, but  the alternative is to do nothing. And doing nothing and someday regretting your decision is going to be WAAAAAY more uncomfortable than trying to step outside of your comfort zone now.

There is still time to join us for the 7-Day Courage Challenge! Join the hundreds of women already signed up for a week of learning how to manage your negative self-talk and how to cultivate self-compassion and courage. Click this link to sign up.

Apr 05, 2017
Episode 144: Think you have a “life balance” problem?
12:29

http://yourkickasslife.com/144

 

Mini-sode 144 is all about negative self-talk.

Because you don’t have a “life balance” problem.

You don’t have a “not promoted enough” problem.

You don’t have an “I don’t work out enough” problem.

You have a problem with the way you speak to yourself.

In this episode I tell you about my experience learning how to manage my own negative self-talk, and how I came to find out about it just as my life fell apart in 2007.

Join us on April 3rd as I host the wildly popular FREE 7-Day Courage Challenge! Hundreds of women just like you. 10 minutes a day. Learn how to change your life. Click here to join us.

Mar 31, 2017
Episode 143: Breathing for freedom with Kathleen Booker
37:56

http://yourkickasslife.com/143

Hey there Ass Kickers!

I’m so excited for you to meet my guest today, Kathleen Booker. I met Kathleen over a year ago and I’m excited to finally have her on the podcast to introduce you to her as well. She’s an inspirational coach whose energy has been described as “infectious” (and you’ll know why after hearing her speak today)!

Kathleen is passionate about something that many of us might not even give a second thought to during the day: our breathing. She knows first-hand the energy, peace and joy that something so simple can create in our lives, and she’s going to share her knowledge on this topic with us today.

Mar 29, 2017
Episode 142: Is Escapism ever okay?
11:28

http://yourkickasslife.com/142

 

If you've been over in these parts of town for any length of time, you know I talk a lot about numbing out and how it can be harmful for us. I’ve talked about my own sobriety and even have a recovery series on my podcast.

The truth is: we like to escape. We typically don't like to feel our feelings. Life is hard and sometimes agonizing. Not many of us are equipped to handle life's struggles, so we find things to escape from it.

And the message we might be getting is that we shouldn’t ever do this. We shouldn't ever numb out. We need to be with our feelings, be present to our life no matter how difficult it is.

So, is escapism ever okay?

Honestly, my short answer is yes. I don’t by any means expect people to fully let go of all of their numbing mechanisms. I just don’t believe there’s any way we can let go of them and go through life with all the pain and agony there is to experience. Some of the most evolved humans I know still sometimes choose numbing over facing their problems and feelings around it. Even Brené Brown talks about a time where she read a bunch of mean comments about herself on the Internet and promptly “grabbed a jar of peanut butter, a blanket and watched ten hours of Downton Abbey.”

So, the question becomes what is healthy escapism and what isn't?

I think the first question to ask yourself, is is your escapism chronic? In other words, are you eating too much cake every day? Or are you shopping online and putting yourself in debt? Drinking an entire bottle of wine every night? Not tending to your kids’ needs because you’re playing Candy Crush like it’s your job? Most of the time, you know when it’s too much. Denial is a powerful thing, but there comes a time when the pain of staying in your numbing mechanism outweighs the pain of facing the real problem underneath it all.

And sometimes, we-- as high achieving, smart women-- can tend to let the pendulum swing completely the other way. We get “permission” to numb out sometimes and get what I call “a case of the fuck-its.” We know we’re doing it-- we know we’re numbing out, and we at that moment, don’t care. We eat All The Cake. Drink All The Wine. And maybe that’s part of your process to do that a few times. And if it is, when you’re done, check in to see how you feel.

How is your self-talk when that happens? Usually, not so good. I’d bet you’re beating yourself up for eating All The Cake, or drinking All The Wine. And you beat yourself up internally, then you feel like shit...and how do we stop feeling like shit? More cake and more wine.


OH THE INSANITY.

This topic comes up a lot with my clients, and I always ask the same questions:

Are you doing it (insert numbing mechanism of choice) to consciously comfort yourself? Or are you doing it mindlessly, unconsciously hoping you’ll escape from your life and your struggles indefinitely?

If it’s the latter, then I ask: What is the problem you are trying to solve?

Because it’s never about the cake or the wine or the Internet or the shoes. It’s about the problem-- the pain/fear/hurt you’re trying to make go away.

And I think this goes without saying-- but I’ll say it anyway-- the pain never goes away. But, you-- YOU have to get to a point where you’re done trying to escape from it. I can’t be the one to tell you the only way out is through and the way to “get over it” is to process it all. It’ll go in one ear and out the other until YOU are ready to stop running, turn around and look it in the face.

Escapism works until it doesn’t. And when it’s done working for you and you learn how to cope in healthier ways and learn to process feelings instead of numbing them, you’ll get to a point when you fall back on numbing and you’re all inside it and realize QUICKLY what you’re doing. And to be honest, that kind of sucks. It’s like that moment you’re arguing with someone and you suddenly realize you’re wrong and they’re right. DAMN. Do you stop and tell them? Or do you keep arguing your point? Both feel like shit. But one honors who you are.

So, when you’re ready, you’re ready. When escaping and numbing out aren’t working for you anymore, do the work to process, feel and cope with your emotions. I promise you won’t die. You’ll be stronger, more self-aware, more self-confident, and more of your biggest, most kick-ass self.

Need support with your inner-critic? Join me and lots of women just like you as I personally take you through the 7-Days of Courage Challenge! It’s one thing to read about it, but a whole nother animal when you put the tools into ACTION! We start April 3rd! Sign up for free here.

Mar 22, 2017
Episode 141: Hormones, digestion, and emotions with Melissa Ramos
30:37

http://yourkickasslife.com/141 

Hey Ass Kickers!

Today you’re in for a treat, as our guest is an expert who is going to help us be our sexiest self! Melissa Ramos has a goal of adding a little sass to healthy living for women, and she looks at things from a slightly different perspective than most of us – starting from the inside out.  On this episode, Melissa shows us how hormones or digestive issues could actually be holding us back from being as sexy as we could be, and why the answer to your health is in your poop!

Mar 15, 2017
Episode 140: THE PARTY AS WE KNOW IT, IS OVER (a calling in and a call to arms)
23:51

http://yourkickasslife.com/140

Two weeks ago I wrote about how YKAL is evolving, maturing, and what this means for you and for me. If you haven’t read it or listened, you can find it here.

As I mentioned in that post, we are currently in a time where the U.S. (and other parts of the world) is extremely politically polarized. Social media was noisy enough before and now it’s been taken to a whole new level. And what I’m experiencing over here as an online business owner with a platform-- a community of people who listen to what I have to say via my podcast, blog, and social media-- is that I have a choice whether to talk about about this or not. I can continue to just go on “business as usual,” or I can implement my voice on these matters. There’s different ways this can look, but the choice is pretty black or white: Either I talk about it or I don’t.

Several months ago, a colleague of mine, Racahel Maddox, posted on Facebook about this. This was before the election, even before the real messiness of it all. She was calling us out-- us being privileged people with online platforms. She was specifically calling out life coaches and those in the wellness industry with online platforms who were choosing to stay quiet about social justice issues.

Who the hell does she think she is telling me what to do and how to run my business? I thought to myself. My belief was that no one can tell me how I speak out. No one can tell me what is right and what is wrong. No one can tell me I am a bad person because I choose to take my sweet ass time to decide what to do about this (that’s not what she said, but what I made up she said). In other words, I was personally offended and taken aback.

After my ego left the room (it took a couple of weeks), I thought about why I reacted that way. And the conclusion I came up with was this:

I was embarrassed because she called our asses out.

I was scared because deep down I knew she was right-- I knew it was my responsibility to talk publicly about these social issue, but I didn’t know how.

I felt guilty because I hadn’t spoken out sooner.

I was worried how this would affect my reputation and my business, both I’ve worked hard on building over the last 10 years.

All valid (and common) feelings, but feelings that are a) laden with privilege and white lady tears and b) don’t change the world.

Then, the election happened, then the inauguration, then the whole country got flipped upside down and set on fire.

And I thought about what Rachael had said. She was right. What I had to admit and knew in my heart all along, what I know now deep in my bones is this:

As people of privilege-- as a white, straight, able-bodied, upper middle class person in the wellness industry with an online platform to spread a message, it is my responsibility to speak out about social justice issues.

If I was a realtor or a hairdresser or a mechanic, I don’t think it would necessarily be my responsibility to integrate it into my business. But, this is the wellness industry. We teach people how to be better people. How to “change the world.” For fucks sake we teach people how to empower themselves, stand up for what they believe in, and speak up. To use their voices even if they are scared. To do what’s right even if it’s unpopular.

And as facilitators of this work, we cannot teach these things, take money for teaching these things, and not do them ourselves. We need to both model what this looks like as well as spread the message that what is happening all around us is not fucking okay.

Andréa Ranae sums it up perfectly,

“TO THE COACHES, HEALERS, GUIDES, MENTORS AND OVERALL DO-GOODERS OF THE WORLD WHO DON'T WANT TO BRING "POLITICS" INTO YOUR WORK, CONSIDER THIS:

Your work could bring massive sustainable change to many lives, families, and communities, but it won't if you don't critically look at the social context that you're working within.

The problems you help solve for your clients are most often symptoms of a much deeper and widespread systemic problem that we must get to the root of. You say you want to change the world, but what is it, in the world, that you want to change? You've got to name it to tame it.

Our socioeconomic and environmental issues affect every single one of the people you work with either actively or passively.”

So, what is it that we, as life coaches, healers, whatevers, want to change for our people?

I know many of you reading this care a lot about marginalized people, the LGBTQ community, Planned Parenthood and women’s reproductive rights, the refugee crisis, feminism, black lives matter, the ACA, dismantling patriarchy, rape culture, sex trafficking, the list goes on and on. And I know many of you take action in your homes and communities, maybe even speak out on your personal Facebook pages sometimes.

But, you guys. When we do this-- when we don’t speak out at all, or when we only do it quietly in the echo chamber of our personal Facebook page or with our friends in real life-- we’re sending a message. The message is: these matters do matter to me, but only if it doesn’t risk my business. Only if I can take action behind the scenes, quietly and not create any liability that people may disagree, unfollow me, not sign up for my online classes, etc. When quiet, the message being sent is clear: Social justice matters to me but not at the expense of my bottom line.

The message also tells your followers that to say nothing is also okay for them too. That if you’re staying quiet in your privileged little bubble, by all means, they can too.

We can’t go on with business as usual. Things have changed. THE PARTY IS OVER.

And to be frank, I don’t think many, if any of us were excited this has happened. “Oh yeah, I can’t wait to risk losing people in my audience. I can’t wait for these uncomfortable conversations. I can’t wait to sit down and figure out how I’m going to approach these subjects and be a leader now that everything has changed.”

But, we are being called upon to lead. We are being called upon to show up. We are being called upon to be courageous and show what it means to take care of each other, walk our talk, and actually “be the change.”

So, what do we do?

That’s the question I’ve been asked, I’ve been asking everyone, and tossing and turning at night trying to figure out. As I said in my last post about this, there’s no guidebook for this, no step-by-step process. But, when you’ve been called upon for something like this, you just jump. Standing around trying to figure out which angle to take, being scared, agonizing over how to do it, isn’t making the world a better place. I know, I did it for months.

First things first, think about why you haven’t said anything, or why you’ve decided to not. Some experts in the self-help field say that when we make decisions, we are making them either out of love or fear. I think this applies here. Have you made the decision to remain silent out of fear? Fear of losing followers? Fear of saying the wrong thing? Fear of being asked questions you don’t know the answer to? Fear of not knowing where to start? Fear of losing business?

Or, are you making the decision out of love? And if so, love for whom? Love for what?

I’ll give you a place to start. Write a blog post, an e-blast, or make a video of you telling your people honestly that X, Y, and Z social justice issues matter to you. They matter to you and you’re feeling this and that, and you don’t know where to go from here. Tell them the truth. That you’re uncomfortable. Because they probably are too. You don’t have to even mention names of government officials. This doesn’t have to be about politics, this is about people. This is about us.

Tell your audience whatever you’re feeling. Fear, guilt, confusion, whatever. You know yourself and your audience best.

Then you have options. You can ask them what they want. You can help them sort through their feelings in order to help them take action. You can tell them where to take action. You can educate them on the different social issues that mean the most to you. You don’t have to pick them all. What’s most important to you? The environment? Women’s issues? Pick one or two and make it your go-to. Information and education is KEY in changing the world.

You can take pictures and show yourself in activism. That is leadership. (If you’re in a place where you don’t know where to start, do some reading and following other activists. I’ll put some links at the end of this post.)

We are going to rock the boat. We are going to lose followers. We are going to get people who are not willing to listen to why you support Planned Parenthood, Black Lives Matter, or oppose the Dakota Pipeline. But, I think my friend Leela says is perfectly:

Friends and colleagues, consider this a “calling in.” My intention is not to publicly embarrass, offend, or humiliate anyone. My intention is to call attention to this immensely important topic, to make you think, to ignite a bigger conversation, and to encourage you to massively step out of your comfort zone (like we tell our clients to do). Also, consider this a call to arms. An invitation to stand up; an invitation to speak out and invite your people to do the same. Consider this an invitation of leadership.

Mar 08, 2017
Episode 139: You have 4 minutes to change your life with Rebekah Borucki
39:47

http://yourkickasslife.com/139

Today I’m joined by a repeat guest of the Your Kick-Ass Life Podcast: Rebekah “Bex” Borucki. She’s the founder of BEXLIFE®, a TV host, meditation guide, and fitness and yoga instructor (and so much more)! Rebekah is also now a published author, and her first book, You Have 4 Minutes to Change Your Life, was released by Hay House in February 2017.


How did she get to where she is today? Rebekah discovered mediation when she was 15 years old and she uses it as a tool to cope with life noise and regular daily events. She shares the grief she’s experienced in her life, and how she was able to deal with her parents deaths, as well as giving her thoughts on what the real purpose of life is truly about.

Mar 01, 2017
Episode 138: YKAL grow and evolves
18:03

http://yourkickasslife.com/138

There’s a conversation that’s been happening in these parts of town, aka my life coach friends, healers, those in the wellness industry who run online businesses. And the conversation is: Should we bring politics into our business? Should we talk about this to our audiences?

Show of hands... who’s excited about talking about this more? Who’s excited about hearing about politics more? Probably not many of you. You come here for personal development. You come here to learn how to be a better woman, learn new tools, and hopefully for my good humor and charm. ;)

What I’ve always wanted— what YKAL is— is a place where women can feel good about themselves. Where they can build confidence and courage and be proud of who they are. Proud of how they’re showing up in the world, proud of what they’ve created in their lives, proud of the hard conversations they have with themselves and with others. And at the end of the day-- me, Andrea Owen, creator of YKAL has to be that woman too. Proud of how I’m showing up in the world, proud of what I’ve created, proud of the conversations I have to have. And there has been no time in the last ten years of this work I do, where I have been asked more to walk that talk, than now

What’s been happening over the last six months or so it I’ve been listening, watching, and processing. And my listening, watching and processing is my privilege showing. The fact that I have time to do so.

Let me give you a little backstory. I was a proud Republican for a long time. I voted for George W. Bush in ‘04 and for John McCain in 2008. In Spring of 2009, while pregnant with my daughter, I took a women’s studies class called “Men and Masculinity.” It sounded interesting, it worked with my school schedule, and I needed it for credits to finish my bachelor's degree. Never in my life before had I been that interested in Women’s Studies.

Maybe the Universe was conspiring to change my life.

On the first day of class, we were asked to introduce ourselves to the person next to us. The young woman next to me told me her name and that she was a feminist. I said-- trying to be kind of funny, “Oh. Well, then I can tell you now you probably won’t like me.” She asked why and I said, “Because I don’t consider myself a feminist. And I’m a Republican.”

At that point in time, I was 33 years old, and I didn’t know what feminism was, or patriarchy, or privilege (I thought people who had that were the Paris Hilton’s of the world), or even misogyny. That was the first time in a class, I did a lot more listening than contributing to the conversation. In essence, everything changed for me that semester.

One of the things that changed was I realized what I had been so angry about for so long. That the anger and sometimes rage I had-- for not being taken seriously because of my gender, for being sexually harassed and assaulted, that there was a name for what I was really fucking pissed at. And it was sexism, misogyny, and patriarchy.

So, back to this conversation with all of you. If you follow me on my personal Facebook page, you’ll see my public posts are vocal about politics and what I stand for and my opinions. And I’ve mostly kept them out of here and even my YKAL social media accounts.

And this is something I’ve been thinking about. Why? Why have I not been more vocal? And the reason is my own shit. There is no guidebook for “How to be a teacher of personal development/life coach with a podcast while the world as you know it catches on fire.” And I panicked there for a minute. I kept looking around like HOW DO I DO THIS? I don’t know anyone who does exactly what I do and is talking about activism and doing it well. Most of us are either not talking about it at all, or throwing all of themselves in it. It’s an awkward place for us to be. I want to do it right; I want to do it well for you and for the next generation. But, what I realized is when there’s a revolution, you just do it. When you’re fighting the resistance, you just jump. It’s non-linear, it’s messy, sometimes I’ll get it wrong and sometimes I’ll get it right. I’ll clean up any messes I feel I have made and keep going. That’s leadership.

Here’s what I want you to know: I am not here to tell you to agree with me. I am not here to tell you what to believe about different world issues. That’s up to you. What I am here to do is to educate. And maybe, if you’re someone like how I was sitting in that class, someone who doesn’t identify as a feminist or have any concerns for women’s rights, someone who thinks we have nothing to worry about and real women’s problems are in other countries we don’t have to worry about-- maybe like me, you can listen and learn. Maybe your mind won’t be changed, but if nothing else, you’ll learn.

To be perfectly honest, in future blog posts and podcast episodes that are about social justice and social change issues, I’m not trying to change the minds of people who are dead set with opinions opposite mine. If they do change their minds, great. But, whom I’m speaking to are the women that so far don’t know much, if anything about these topics. Or, maybe they’ve only listened to the ideas and opinions of their husbands or parents, and haven’t looked at other ideas and opinions and haven’t really formed one for themselves yet. Or, maybe they just haven’t cared enough. Nothing “political” has ever affected them in their lives. I know this may be a lot of you and this isn’t at all to shame you. It’s common, and everyone has to start somewhere.

I talk about and teach a lot of things on this podcast and my blog. All of it falls under the umbrella of you feeling empowered. And one of those things is to stand up for what you believe in. To speak up. To speak up for yourself and to speak up for what breaks your heart. Because we all have those things.

I also want you to know that I strongly believe with privilege comes responsibility. A responsibility to the people who don’t have privilege. A responsibility to the people whose voices aren’t as loud as mine, who don’t walk this Earth as comfortably and easily as I do.

This is not comfortable. This is awkward. For some of you, you might be feeling guilty. And if so, good. I for one, have been wracked with guilt. That tells me something isn’t right. Guilt can be good in that it’s information telling us something we’re doing or have done might not be in alignment with who we really are. But, sitting in guilt and talking about our guilt gets us nowhere. And trust me when I tell you marginalized people do not care about our guilt. Our feelings do not hold a candle to what is going on in their lives.

So, what does this mean for the podcast? Well, here’s where all the reading, thinking, and processing over the last few months has made me realize:

Among other things, I help women heal and rise up from the wounds that trigger them. That’s where help with negative self-talk, feeling good enough, recovering from perfectionism, and hiding/numbing out comes from. What I realized pretty early on in my practice is that the root of the problem is more often than not cultural and familial problems and injustices. More specifically, what’s being passed down from generation to generation and what’s being passed around in our cultures. Some of that looks like our culture accepting of notions like:

Girls are mean to be seen and not heard.

Your body should be thin, and anything less than that is bad and ugly.

To be perfect is the ultimate goal.

Mistakes are unacceptable.

No one wants to hear about your problems.

You might have heard me repeat, “You don’t have to inherit dysfunction.” And I believe that wholeheartedly. But, what I’ve come to realize is that I can talk about healing our individual “dysfunction” all day, but if I’m not also addressing and trying to dismantle the root cause of it-- the systematic way women have been oppressed for many, many years-- I’m taking the fucking long way.

And you know I don’t have time for the bullshit long way. Nor do you.

So, is this podcast shifting into more talk about politics? No, it’s not. But, it will be shifting to talk more about social justice issues and women’s issues. And not just talk. You won’t hear me just complaining and shaking my fist at the patriarchy. You see enough of that on Facebook. It will be about awareness, action and solution.

Because I want to make this world a better place than it was when it welcomed me in. And I hope you’ll join me on my quest.

Feb 22, 2017
Episode 137: Money and more with Amanda Steinberg
35:27

http://yourkickasslife.com/137

Hey Ass Kickers!

On today’s show, we’re talking money and retirement, and who better to help us dig deeper on these subjects than Amanda Steinberg. Amanda is the founder & CEO of Worth FM, a new digital financial advisor for women, and DailyWorth, the leading digital financial media company for women (with over 1 million subscribers to its daily e-newsletter)! In my talk with Amanda, we look at why women are so afraid to engage with money she helps us debunk the stories we’ve told ourselves when it comes to our finances.

Feb 15, 2017
Episode 136: Listener Q&A on Affairs, Intimacy and More
52:06

http://yourkickasslife.com/136

Hi ass kickers!

Today I have a listener question I’m answering with my partner in crime/bestie/colleague/peanut butter to my jelly: Amy Smith. This episode is all about intimacy, vulnerability, and more. Even if you’re not partnered up, or have never had an affair, I’m 100% sure there will be nuggets in this episode to help you.

Feb 08, 2017
Episode 135.5: Self-Love
11:04

Want to learn more about how to love yourself? Of course you do. Click here to join my free workshop on Self-Love.

Feb 03, 2017
Episode 135: Mastering your mean girl with Melissa Ambrosini
38:52

http://yourkickasslife.com/135

On today’s show I’m joined by the Melissa Ambrosini: best selling author, keynote speaker, and self-love teacher. Melissa didn’t always practice what she preaches and after living what she calls a “superficial and outwardly focused life,” she came face-to-face with a major health scare that required hospitalization in 2010. Now she teaches others the importance of understanding self-worth and she shares the tips and tools around this subject that can change your life.

Feb 01, 2017
R10: How I Stayed Sober Through Grief
50:13

http://yourkickasslife.com/R10

Hi ass kickers!

This is the last episode in this round of the recovery series (season 2 will be out sometime in 2017. If you don’t want to miss it, make sure you’re signed up for updates here).

Last fall, as I was about halfway through the interviews for this series, my father passed away. We learned he had a terminal illness, and about 3 weeks later he died.

As a person in long-term recovery, this was the first time I’d faced something big while sober. For some, losing a loved one becomes too much, and they relapse. I can completely understand why this happens.

In this episode, I talk about the following:

  • My family story and how I was first introduced to what a functional alcoholic was.
  • What the worst moments were when I came home from dealing with his death.
  • What I thought the “rules of grief” were.
  • What surrender has been like for me over the past few months.
  • I answer the question: Did I want to drink again?
  • What I did when I found myself sobbing on my kitchen floor.
  • What I did to get through the multitude of feelings.
Jan 31, 2017
Episode 134: The vulnerability hangover and worthiness
39:33

http://yourkickasslife.com/134

 

Hello Ass kickers!

I’m super excited for y’all to hear this episode with my friend and colleague Laura Probasco. Laura is a mega ass-kicker and she brings it on today’s show. Her background is in social work and play therapy and she’s well-schooled in Brené Brown’s teachings which is how we first connected.

Laura is the founder of Probasco and Associates as well as the co-founder of The Art of Play, a play therapy training program for individuals, schools and organizations. She has taken her work around the globe interacting with people from all walks of life.

On this episode we dive into topics like vulnerability hangovers, hotwiring emotional connections, and the link between isolation and perfectionism.

We also talk about:

  • Why it’s normal to have vulnerability hangovers.
  • Marble people: what are they and why do they matter?
  • What does the term “breautiful” mean?
  • Why you can’t have courage and comfort at the same time.
  • The best tool Laura has used in her own personal growth journey.
  • And much more!

When it comes to vulnerability hangovers and “hot wiring” emotional connections, Laura shares a personal story from her own life (something many of us will relate to!). There are many lessons to take away from that story, including why we have vulnerability hangovers.

A vulnerability hangover is when you’ve shared deeply personal experiences with someone, and you later worry about what you’ve said, how you said and how the person on the receiving end was left. The “hot wiring” is when we share this information with someone we don’t know very well, like a nearby passenger on an airplane in Laura’s case. I mean, who hasn’t spilled their guts to a stranger before!?

During this show we talk about what to do if you’ve ever had a “hot wiring connection” or a vulnerability hangover, how to handle both and why they aren’t always bad experiences to have.

Continuing on that theme, Laura shares how our need for intimacy combined with our need for perfection leads us into isolation. She offers great suggestions on how to cope when we begin to isolate ourselves, including how to reach out to those friends we know we can turn to when we’re in the darkness. We even give you a word for word script to use with these friends so you can ask for what you need. (Because I know you all love scripts!)

There’s so much in this episode with Laura. She shares how she broke up with herself and why, the process and journey to worthiness and how to surrender control without losing your mind!

Jan 25, 2017
Episode R9: Interview with Megan Peters
51:11

http://yourkickasslife.com/R9

Hi ass kickers!

This week on the recovery series I’m talking to Megan Peters. Megan is a blogger, photographer, mom and recovery warrior. She struggled with perfectionism and people pleasing growing up, which she says fueled her drinking problem. In this hour you’ll hear:

  • Megan tells us her story about what her relationship with alcohol was like and when she knew it was time to quit.
  • From an article Megan wrote: “I felt like I was constantly running, with no finish line in sight. No matter how hard I worked or how much I loved my family, I felt like I could never get my head above water. I was drowning.” She explains more about this.
  • We talk about the shame and stigma that come with being a mother and an alcoholic and what to do about that.
  • Megan tells us how she quietly got sober (she didn’t even tell her husband) and how her recovery changed over time into what she needed.
  • We both talk about what’s it’s like to “just have one drink.”
  • I ask Megan what advice she has for someone who’s struggling to stay sober-- for someone who stays sober a few days or weeks and then convinces herself she can have “just one” and then keeps finding herself in the same place over and over.

 

 

Jan 24, 2017
Episode 133: Confidence, consistency, and getting what you want, with Rachel Luna
47:18

http://yourkickasslife.com/133 

Hey Ass kickers!

Today we’ve got a special episode of the podcast as I bring on someone I’ve been friends with for a long time. Rachel Luna is a Best Selling Author, Speaker, Confidence and Mindset Coach, and she not only shares the tremendous story of her life, but how went from considering herself “damaged goods” to the place she’s now at and how she’s helping others be the best they can be as well.

After listening to this one, I’m sure you’ll agree that when you show up and do the work, you’re going to see huge changes in your life too!

Jan 18, 2017
Episode R8: Interview with Danielle Gilmore
38:07

http://yourkickasslife.com/R8

Hi ass kickers! Today on the recovery series we have Danielle Gilmore, who considers herself a compulsive overeater, love and sex addict. Danielle found herself at 380 pounds at 25 years old and decided it was time to get help.

I’m excited to have you hear her story because of a couple reasons: 1) I know people can replace addictions when they get sober from alcohol and food and other substances are what they often turn to and 2) I wanted to get a variety of stories because addiction isn’t just alcohol. I know many of you might struggle in different areas.

Jan 17, 2017
Episode 132: How to look at your shit while not beating yourslf up for it
22:12

http://yourkickasslife.com/132

I talk a lot about taking responsibility for your life. I often tell the story from my own life about finding myself on the other side of two back-to-back really bad relationships, blaming everyone else in my life for how shitty I was feeling and deciding I’d had enough of all that. After picking myself up off the floor one day I decided to take responsibility for what I’d tolerated, what I’d attracted, what I didn’t know in terms of what a healthy relationship looked like, and what I wanted out of life.

I started to do the hard work and everything changed.

What I also talk a lot about it managing your negative self-talk. The inner-voice we all have that tells us we aren’t good enough.

If you’ve ever been in that place I mentioned above, the place where you take radical responsibility for your life, you might encounter a side-effect: Massively harsh self-talk. It might sound like this:

I can’t believe I allowed that kind of relationship.

I was so stupid to behave like that.

Only an idiot would do that.

I’m so ashamed of myself.

And on and on. Right?

So, you’re trying to better yourself and by doing so, it’s necessary to shine the light on all the bullshit and messes you might have made. And at the same time I’m over here telling you all day and all night to do it with self-compassion. And you might be thinking, how the fuck do I do that?!?

Never fear, I have some answers, ass kicker.

First things first, it’s going to happen. It’s normal once you really start taking inventory of what’s up and what you want to change for you to look at your life with the stink-eye. If you look at your life or your former life and think, “Hmm...it’s really not that bad!” then either you’re still in denial and aren’t ready for self-help or it really isn’t that bad and you don’t need self-help. So, you’re just like the rest of us if you see it all and gasp. It’s going to be okay, I promise!

Second, this happens to everyone and everyone feels the same way. Embarrassed, full or regret, guilty, ashamed, judgmental, disappointed, all the hard emotions in one big ‘ol pile of shit. Again, it’s part of the process.

Third, practicing self-compassion is a learned process, don’t expect to get it right on the first day. Some people ask me, “but when I talk to myself kindly it feels weird and not genuine.” When you had your first two weeks in Spanish class learning “Me llamo Estacia y me gusta los tocadiscos” did you feel fluent? Did you feel like you could fly down to Guadalajara, Mexico and blend into the natives? I didn’t think so. Learning to speak in a self-compassionate manner is the same. It takes time and practice and more time and more practice to not only do it consistently with less effort, but to make it feel more genuine. You have to start somewhere.

Fourth, watch where you start to dislike or hate that part of you. When you start to look at the parts of you that you want to improve, or that you never want to go back to, it’s easy to sort of “disown” that part of you. I did this too. In fact, once I realized it, I wrote a letter to myself apologizing to my former self. Remember, you’d never have gotten to where you are now without being that former person. You had to go through those hard time and made all those mistakes to get here-- being that person who’s improving herself. I know the success I have both personally and professionally was reliant on all the mistakes I made in the past. Yours will too.

If you’d like more support on this, I invite you to check out Your Kick-Ass Masterclass. Nine weeks of getting the support and tools you need to live a life of confidence, self-compassion, courage and of course, kickassery. Click here to join us.  

Jan 11, 2017
Episode R7: Interview with Nicole Antoinette
56:47

http://yourkickasslife.com/R7

Today on the recovery series I interview Nicole Antoinette. Nicole doesn’t identify with being an “alcoholic”, but very much had a problem with her drinking and has been sober for 5+ years. A self-professed “party girl” she went through years of struggling with insomnia which inadvertently led to her sobriety.

Jan 10, 2017
Episode 131: 3 Steps to Let It Go
20:49

http://yourkickasslife.com/131

I’ve noticed something interesting over the last several years.

As a blogger and online business owner, one of the things I do is look at my Google Analytics to see how people are finding my website and which posts are getting the most hits. And year after year, it’s the posts I write about relationships, more specifically posts about my breakups and the heartbreak they ensued.

I’ve written about how to get over your ex, which has been shared more than 120,000 times (it’s probably much more, we installed the share tracking about a year after I wrote it). I’ve also had to turn off comments because of all the spam, people selling their love potions (not kidding. People selling poor heartbroken people love potions. There is a place in hell for those spammers). What’s obvious about the popularity of that topic is simply this: Most people in the world have had their heart broken by someone else and they have a really hard time healing.

I don’t pretend to be the absolute expert at this, as I am still navigating it every day in my own life. But, I’m compelled to write about it today because I’ve been turning over and over the question in my head:

Are we ever truly healed from heartbreak? And either way-- what does that even look like?

At my ripe old age of 41 (which btw, I still consider myself young with A LOT to learn about life and love) I’m starting to think the answer to that question sometimes is no. And that’s okay.

Let me explain. Here’s where I think the problem starts: I think we make up that we need to get over the people that have hurt us. And I’m not just talking about intimate relationships, I’m talking about parents, friends, anyone we’re close to that we’ve trusted and felt at some point or another has “broken our hearts”. We make up that we as humans, must get to a place in our hearts where we’re not hurt anymore. We don’t think about what happened, and if we do, we hold no sadness, anger, or hurt about it.

I don’t know about you, but that seems awfully robotic and ….impossible.

The problem worsens when we make up what it means when we’re not “over it”. We make up that we’re weak or broken, that we’re doing something wrong, that there’s something innately wrong with us, and we might keep obsessing on that person that hurt us.

As humans, I think we want a definitive answer. Are we through it or not? Are we healed-- emphasis on the past tense?

And my honest answer is I don’t know.

I think we look for this place outside of us-- this place “over there” where we will be absent from all the difficult feelings around it. It’s completely subjective what this looks like but I think so many people spend the better part of their lives searching for this.

It’s also important to get clear on what your definition of this is. If you think about a wound, if you get a small prick or papercut, when it heals there’s no scar. You don’t even remember all the small picks and papercuts you’ve received over your lifetime. They’re inconsequential.

But, when the wound is more substantial, when it’s deep and there’s a decent amount of bleeding that happens, maybe a scab forms and we have a scar. I have many tiny scars all over my body; as I type this, I can see three on my hands (only one I can remember how it got there-- hot glue gun, ouch). These scars become a part of us, a part of the biggest organ of our body. We more or less have to accept them, right?

So, what if we accepted the scars we have on our hearts?

And while I don’t know if we are ever fully healed, recovered or over it, I do know there are some key elements that are necessary in working your way through it.

#1 You have to feel all the feels. I see you going to Numbing McNumbtown. Parents disappoint you? Cake. Partner was an asshole? Wine. Kids stressing you out? Online shopping.

We don’t want to feel our pain. Or anger, or stress, or frustration, or sadness, grief, and on and on. This falls into the “how you do one thing is how you do everything”. If you’re numbing out on the stress of your job, most likely you’re numbing out on the huge heartbreak of your divorce or breakup. If you’re numbing out about the overwhelm you feel as a parent, you’re most likely numbing out about the miscarriage you had five years ago.

The only way out is through. The only way you’re going to “get over it” or whatever the magical thing is of feeling better is to respect the feelings that happen. You don’t have to like them, but you have to respect them. If you don’t, they come out in other ways and it’s not always numbing: blaming, rage, avoidance, and sometimes we shove it so far down it manifests as insomnia, depression and anxiety.

The bottom line: FEEL YOUR FEELINGS.

#2 Your brain has literally been affected, so practice self-compassion. Many times heartbreak = trauma. I used to think trauma was reserved for people who had been through horrible, tragic circumstances like war or abuse. But, research shows that being dumped and similar situations can actually have an effect on our brains that is categorized as traumatic. I’ve recently had two guests on my podcast who talk about this (here and here), so please, look into doing the work on that. If nothing else, it will help you foster some self-compassion.

#3 Who do you need to forgive? Like it or not, learning to let go has a lot to do with forgiveness. Dragging around resentments, anger, bitterness, and thoughts of revenge will only encourage you to stay exactly where you are and in some cases, get worse. The other person is not suffering more because you choose to not forgive them. Typically, they don’t care.

Forgiveness is complicated, but possible. Trust me I get it. I’ve forgiven people who’ve done massive acts of betrayal to me, and I can’t imagine my life if I hadn’t forgiven them. For me, I wanted peace, not to carry around the same hatred from years ago. It had everything to do with me, and nothing to do with them. I forgave them for my own love, not theirs.

“To forgive...is a process that does not exclude anger or hatred. These emotions are part of being human. You should never hate yourself for hating others who do terrible things. The depth of your love is shown by the extent of your anger.” -Desmond Tutu

I love this quote from Archbishop Tutu because he normalizes the feelings around forgiveness. Forgiveness isn’t magically forgetting all the difficult feelings and turning things around into happiness and warm fuzzy feelings. Sometimes forgiveness means you still think they’re an asshole and that’s okay.

These three steps aren’t guaranteed to magically get to to let go of whatever it is that’s plaguing you, but they are essential in getting you closer  to it.

If you’d like more support on this, I invite you to check out Your Kick-Ass Masterclass. Nine weeks of getting the support and tools you need to live a life of confidence, self-compassion, courage and of course, kickassery. Click here to join us.  

Jan 04, 2017
Episode R6: Interview with Jean McCarthy
01:01:06

http://yourkickasslife.com/R6

Ass kickers!

Welcome BACK to the recovery series! Thank you for your patience as I had to put the project on hold for a couple of months, but I am so excited to share episode six with you. Jean McCarthy of the Unpickled Blog is with us.

Jean McCarthy thought she had it all figured out: go 100 miles an hour all day as a mom and business owner, then drink wine before bed to quickly de-stress and fall asleep. She had no idea that this perfect equilrium would evolve into addiction over the course of a decade. Now five years sober, Jean writes about her experiences as a person in recovery at unpickledblog.com and holds space for others to share their stories on The Bubble Hour podcast.

Jan 03, 2017
Episode 130: Finding Trauma Resolution, with Rachael Maddox
36:38

http://yourkickasslife.com/130

Welcome to episode 130 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! Trauma and trauma resolution are two issues we’ve touched on before but today we spend an entire show on it. Our guest, Rachael Maddox, is an expert on both.

Rachael is a trauma resolution educator, coach and guide who helps women heal and understand sexual traumas they’ve experienced so they can move through the world with joy and success. Rachael’s coaching certification was earned from The Coaches Training Institute, and she is certified in trauma resolution through The Alchemical Alignment.

On this show, we dive into her very personal, firsthand experiences with trauma, how somatic therapy helped her heal when nothing else worked, and how that therapy ultimately led to what she does today.

 

 

Dec 14, 2016
Episode 129: Common self-love myths and pitfalls with Amy Smith
34:23

http://yourkickasslife.com/129

Hey Ass kickers!

Welcome to episode 129 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! I’m thrilled to bring you this archived episode with life coach, master communicator and my very best friend, Amy E. Smith. Amy hosts a podcast called The Joy Junkie with her hubs, Mr. Smith. On the podcast and in her business Amy helps people find their voice, and stand up for themselves (without being a dick). I brought her on the show to talk about self-love: what it is and how to practice it no matter who you are or where you are in your life. We get into the common misconceptions and pitfalls about self-love, why loving yourself actually helps you change your life and why choosing self-love is a daily practice.

Dec 07, 2016
Episode 128: Abandonment Recovery, with Susan Anderson
54:05

www.yourkickasslife.com/128

Welcome to episode 128 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! Today I’ve got another amazing guest for you, Susan Anderson. Susan is considered the founder of the Abandonment Recovery movement, and is a dedicated psychotherapist who has spent over 30 years helping those who struggle with abandonment trauma, grief, and loss. Naturally on this episode we discuss abandonment, and also how she came to write the book The Abandonment Recovery Workbook. She shares the neuroscience behind the deep wounds abandonment imprints on us, and we both share our personal abandonment experiences.

Nov 30, 2016
Episode 127: Pivoting with Grace and Ease, with Jenny Blake
40:27

http://yourkickasslife.com/127

Welcome to episode 127 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! Today I’ve got yet another special guest to share with you, Jenny Blake. Jenny is an internationally-known author, speaker and career and business strategist. She’s also a fellow podcaster and has been my friend for nearly a decade. On this episode, Jenny and I are talking about her latest book Pivot: The Only Move That Matters Is Your Next One, what pivots are and are not, and how she has learned so much from navigating pivot points in her own life. You’ll Also Hear:

● What inspired her to write this book?

● What are the four stages of a pivot?

● The three things to test when you are in pilot mode.

● Does your life contain the clues you need to discover your next pivot?

● Does all change involve loss?

● How to trust your emotional process when pivoting.

● What has she learned from meditation?

● Why she calls 2013 her apocalypse year, and what it taught her.

● Why Jenny believes our challenges are chosen for us.

● And much more!

Nov 23, 2016
Episode 126: 38 things I’ve learned in 38 years
27:20

http://yourkickasslife.com/126

As the year comes to an end, I love thinking about not only my accomplishments,  but what I’ve learned. And this year I’ve made a list of the lessons I know to be true off the top of my head, 38 to be exact.There are loads more, but here’s a start:

  1. Cleaning up my own messes is the best way to sleep at night. This means apologizing when I’ve been an asshole and just generally doing my best to fix things I’ve made a mess of.
  2. Taking radical responsibility for my life is the only option.  No one else is responsible for my happiness. No one.
  3. My children don’t define me.  I used to think becoming a mother would be my ultimate life purpose. It isn’t. I used to have a lot of guilt and shame about that. But, I don’t anymore.
  4. No relationship will complete me. Not a single one.
  5. My vagina looks the way it does, and I’m okay with that, I even love it. That also goes for my boobs, tummy, and every other body part I used to hate. I’m done listening to people that tell me I need to look different.
  6. “Taking the edge off” really needed to be examined. For me, I was taking off all the edges. And sometimes edges just need to be dealt with.
  7. Exercise really is the best medicine.
  8. The voice in my head that tells me I’m not enough is a liar.
  9. Progress, not perfection.
  10. “Let it go” is 99% of the time, the best way to solve a problem.
  11. “No” is a complete sentence.
  12. If I listen, my body is usually trying to tell me something.
  13. I only apologize when I really, truly can stand behind it.
  14. There will always be people that don’t like me and it’s not my job to change their minds. (I admit this one is still tough. It’s a one-day-at-a-time lesson.)
  15. My parents did the best they could, with what they had at that time.  And as parents, that’s all we can do.
  16. Forgiveness is more about me, and not them.
  17. Time really doesn’t heal all wounds—I’m in charge of that. Time helps, but being proactive is the catalyst.
  18. All wisdom is created from healed pain.
  19. Trying to control everything is my one-way ticket on the crazy train. Sometimes I forget this and get on board.
  20. The comparison trap is basically made-up stories of what I think someone else’s life is like.
  21. We’re all scared. We all have fear. The people that say they are fearless are just pretending.
  22. None of us get out of this alive. And in the end, I want to be proud how I lived it.
  23. If we all worked on our insides as much as we worked on our outsides, the world would change for the better.
  24. You end up with what you put up with. Examine it and change what you don’t like.
  25. At your funeral, no one will talk about your failures. So, keep failinguntil you get it right.
  26. At that same funeral, no one will talk about how your body looked. Your heart and spirit matter more.
  27. You really do catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. In other words, don’t be a dick.
  28. Uncomfortable conversations are always hard. However, that elephant in the room isn’t going anywhere (and takes up a lot of space)—so you might as well call it out.
  29. Most people really are too busy thinking about themselves to be obsessing about you like you think they are.
  30. It’s usually never, ever as big a deal as we think it is. Ever.
  31. That person that treats you like shit is a giant invitation to not be around that person ever.
  32. If you spend time nosing in other people’s business, there’s probably something important in your life you’re purposely avoiding dealing with.
  33. God always has your back.
  34. Kindness really always does win.
  35. Love is always the answer.
  36. Having an open mind can many times blow your mind.
  37. None of us are broken or need fixing. Improvement, yes.
  38. Whatever you think you are, will be your truth. And you are completely in charge of that, babe.
Nov 16, 2016
Episode 125: Life purpose, not apologizing for who you are, plus more…with Sally Hope
40:46

http://yourkickasslife.com/125

This is a re-broadcast with Sally Hope, one of my favorite podcast guests. As many of you know my father passed away last month and I’m taking a break for a few weeks and re-airing archived episodes. I thank you for your patience during this time. Next week is a brand new episode!

Another amazing edition of the YKAL podcast is upon us! I’m here with Sally Hope, founder of The Wildheart Revolution. I love Sally’s take on life and I’m sure you will too. In this episode we talk about several different important topics...

  • In a recent blog post Sally talks about trying to please everyone and how to stop doing this. We discuss the gist of her post, how we’ve both learned to do our best of NOT caring so much if other people like us.
  • Next we talk about LIFE PURPOSE and how to actually take the pressure off ourselves in our quest to finding it. (Because in actuality that pressure is keeping you from finding it!)

  • Sally’s message screams to not apologize for who you are.We discuss that being your biggest self might mean having to leave some people behind and how to go about dealing with that. 
  • One of Sally’s big things is going on adventures! I ask her where would someone start that doesn’t have a ton of time or money? This conversation segues into talking about friends (aka your tribe) and how to create that in your life. Sally has NEW ideas for you!

 I’m just certain you’ll love Sally Hope as much as I do! She’s such a great inspiration full of love and authenticity. And get ready for next week for an all new episode!

Nov 09, 2016
Episode 124: How Nice People Set Boundaries, with Randi Buckley
34:47

http://yourkickasslife.com/124

Hey Ass kickers! Welcome to another episode of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! My friend Randi joins us to talk about the all-important topic of boundaries and how nice people set ‘em. Randi is THE expert of experts! She’s a life coach, hard truth-talker and creative producer of products that encourage women to step into their truth, and transform their inner and interpersonal struggles. Trust me, I KNOW boundaries are difficult and we ALL struggle with them-- whether it’s family members, co-workers, or our neighbors, we could all use some help in this area, right? On today’s show she shares with us how creating our own container of what we want in our lives sets our boundaries, what gardens have to do with boundaries and ultimately why we struggle with boundaries so much.

Nov 02, 2016
Episode 123: The Power of Your Voice, with Christina Dunbar
41:11

http://yourkickasslife.com/123 

Hi Ass kickers,

As you’ll hear in this week's podcast episodes, my father died on last Sunday. Over the next several weeks, you’ll get some re-broadcasts of my favorite episodes. I’ve also decided to put the recovery series on hold until January. Thank you for your patience and understanding during this time.

********************************************************************

I’m so glad you’re here for another episode of Your Kick-Ass Life. Today we’ve got the fabulous Christina Dunbar. Christina is an actress, poet, activist and women’s leader. She offers programs for artists, entrepreneurs and wild women helping them take the stage and share their own soul story. She’s also the inspiration and creator behind her one-woman show, Dirty Me Divine.

On this episode we dive into that experience fully as well as what it means to take a stand, and why that is often difficult for women, and what steps we can take to express our unique voices.

Oct 26, 2016
Episode R5: : Interview with Dawn Nickel
01:01:27

http://yourkickasslife.com/R5

Welcome to the 5th episode in the recovery series with our guest Dawn Nickel of She Recovers. This is the last episode in this series until January when it will pick back up. In this episode you’ll hear:

 

  • Dawn has been drug and alcohol free since 1989, and then relapsed in 2000. She tells us her story.

 

  • I ask Dawn what advice do she has for someone who isn’t quite 100 percent sure they need to quit.

 

  • She tells us her advice for someone in their first few months of sobriety.

 

  • And last, I ask her to tell us one thing she’s proud of right now and one thing she’s struggling with.

 

Oct 25, 2016
Episode 122: Getting Gutsy with Jenny Fenig
48:34

http://yourkickasslife.com/122

Another YKAL podcast episode is here and as always, I’m excited you’re here to meet our guest. Jenny Fenig is a coach, yogi, mom of 3, and all around amazing woman whose message to women is get gutsy in order to find your soul’s true calling.

 In this episode you’ll hear:

  • How has the tragic loss of her sister and two friends played a role in her finding and living her calling.
  • Her journey from corporate leader to yogi to business owner.
  • What was her moment that made her decide to release alcohol from her life.
  • What to say in social situations when people ask why you’re not drinking.
  • What are “pivot point moments” and how they can helpful for women trying to discover their soul’s calling.
  • And more!
Oct 19, 2016
Episode R4: Interview with Holly Whitaker
50:46

http://yourkickasslife.com/R4

Episode 4 in the special recovery series is an interview with Holly Whitaker. Holly is the founder of Hip Sobriety, which aims to provide a modern, holistic, accessible and desirable path to sobriety, and to remove the stigma associated with addiction (and sobriety). In this episode you’ll hear:

● Holly shares about her relationship with alcohol and when she decided it was time to quit.

● She tells us her feelings about Alcoholics Anonymous.

● What is devolution and how does it happen in addiction.

● Holly shares advice for someone new in sobriety.

● And she tells us some of the things she does to to stay sober.

Oct 18, 2016
Episode 121: 5 questions women need to ask themselves
18:36

http://yourkickasslife.com/121

As a coach, it’s my job to ask women questions. Lots of them. Over the years, I’ve seen patterns of the women that come to me and what questions to ask to get down to the nitty-gritty of their lives. In no particular order, here are five questions I’d love for you to answer about yourself…

Oct 12, 2016
Episode R3: Interview with Laura McKowen
58:05

http://yourkickasslife.com/R3

Episode 3 in the special recovery series is an interview with Laura McKowan. Laura is a mom, writer, and recovery warrior. In this episode you’ll hear:

● Laura’s progressive story of her relationship with alcohol and when she decided it was time to quit.

● We both share stories of when we felt immense shame as mothers around our drinking and the moment we both knew it was affecting our children.

● I ask Laura if she ever has that voice that tells her it might be possible to moderate.

● Laura tells us what she does to stay sober— what she’s tried that’s worked and what hasn’t worked.

Ass kickers, I hope you’re enjoying listening to these episodes as much as I enjoyed recording them with these magnificent women! If you have any specific questions you’d like me to ask the guests, please contact us to let us know!

Oct 11, 2016
Episode 120: The Imposter Complex, with Tanya Geisler
30:02

http://yourkickasslife.com/120

Hello ass kickers! Today I’m bring you and oldie, but goodie— a re-airing of a podcast from many moons ago— an episode with my friend Tanya Geisler. She’s talking with us about the Imposter Complex, a syndrome that many of us have experience with. If you’re not sure what that is— just listen to the first few minutes and you’ll be sure to say to yourself, “Oh, wait, that’s me too!”

Tanya is Leadership Coach who’s coached hundreds of people who were ready to step into the starring roles of their lives. She’s an in-demand TEDx speaker who talks with great passion about the Impostor Complex, personal leadership, on all things joy, meaning and purpose (just try to stop her).

Oct 05, 2016
Episode R2: What to do if you think you have a problem with drinking
01:02:41

http://yourkickasslife.com/R2

Ass kickers!

I’m so excited to bring you the first interview in the special recovery series. Courtney Webster is here with us today and Courtney is not only someone who has over a decade of strong recovery from alcohol, drugs, and an eating disorder, but she’s one of my closest friends.

Before I jump in, if you’re just hearing about this, in addition to the regular episodes of the YKAL podcast, I’m going a 10-part bonus series for anyone who thinks they might be struggling with alcohol, anyone who knows they are struggling with alcohol, or even if you know someone who is and want to better understand them (or forward these episodes to them!).

Courtney and I met at coach training in 2008 and in 2011 when I got honest with myself and was thinking about trying sobriety, Courtney was the first person I called. I was so afraid to tell her I was struggling-- afraid she would judge me. Well, she didn’t. She let me talk about it and told me if I wasn’t 100% sure I had a problem with drinking, then I could quit for 30 days and see what happened. Let’s just say it was very telling! Listen to the ep to see what happened…

Oct 04, 2016
Episode 119: 4 Signs You're On the Self-Help "Hamster Wheel" (and what to do about it)
16:51

http://yourkickasslife.com/119

Hey, in case you missed it yesterday– a BONUS post/pod episode came out yesterday on the topic of recovery and sobriety! Click here if you missed it and I would be honored if you shared it with people you think might be helped from it.

***************************************************

Self help. What many jokes are made of and maybe some of us still feel a little embarrassed standing in that aisle in the bookstore. God forbid anyone will know that we struggle, don’t have all of our shit together, and want to change things in our life that are making us binge eat/drink entire bottles of wine in one sitting/try to control everyone and everything (er, not that I know what any of that is like).

And I’m fascinated why some people change and then others stay the same. What really fascinates me and what this post is about, is why some people want to change and know their lives would be better if they did that, but they don’t. There is much psychology behind the reasons, but what I’m talking about today are signs that it’s time for you to take a look at WHY you’re stuck in self-help-dom so you can hopefully make some changes in the right direction. So, I’ve compiled a list of signs you might be on the “self help hamster wheel” and what to do about it.

  1. Buying self-help books without reading them. I think we have ALL done this one. Someone recommends it, or we see it at the bookstore, or the title seemed to scream, “THIS BOOK WILL FIX YOU!” so we buy it. And it sits on our bookshelf unopened for years. And then we feel like shit about that. But really, sometimes I think we’re just not ready to read it. I know that sounds crazy, but I believe it. In some weird, serendipitous way, The Universe will know when it’s time and it will somehow make its way into your hands and into your heart.
  2. Signing up for self improvement classes, feeling relieved… and then not doing the work. Getting your credit card out before hitting “buy now” is not a magic wand that will fix you and ease your pain. The actual WORK will. There is a direct correlation between people that see growth and empowerment in their lives and doing the actual work it takes to get there. This includes worksheets, journaling, quality introspective thinking, doing what you commit to doing, listening to your intuition instead of your fear and more.
  3. Getting really good at telling your story about how screwed up you are and where your issues stem from. Don’t I know this one all too well. Here’s a typical scenario for the type of woman that is into self help: Step 1: She comes to a point in her life where she wants to feel better and/or she has a pretty heartbreaking turn of events and decided to change her life. Step 2: She tells anyone who will listen about her story. Step 3: She reads about helping herself and maybe takes a self improvement class here and there (and especially loves the ones where she’s invited to tell her story). Step 4: There is no step 4. She stays stuck in telling her story and actually feels better (temporarily) when people feel sorry for her. Now, if this is you, I’m not making you wrong for doing this. Telling your story can be healing and fuels connection between the right people. Where it can hold you back is when you get comfortable with that and don’t leave. What I would invite you to do is start by taking inventory of what you learned from your experience and how, going forward, it has made you a better person, or how you WANT it to make you a better person.
  4. You get on whatever self-help trend is the newest thing. Your partner and/or friends probably roll their eyes at you when you tell them whatever new method you’re excited about. You’re doing EFT tapping! No, wait, Bikram yoga is your thing. And meditation. No, wait, getting your tarot cards read this week with an appointment with your foot zoner, as well as your astrologer. I think what tends to happen here is that the person that does this is in a lot of pain and looking for that thing, that guru, that miracle that will fix them and change the way they feel. I’m all for trying new things and switching it up every once in awhile, but be careful here. Before you move on and leave behind what you were trying before, give it enough time to really sink into the learning of the method.

Did you resonate with any of these? Feel like you’re stuck and not moving? It’s really okay…knowledge is key!

Sep 28, 2016
Episode R1: Confession
35:48

http://yourkickasslife.com/R1

Original post from September 27th, 2012.

This is the first in a ten-part series I’ll be hosting on alcoholism and recovery. If you don’t want to miss the rest of the episodes, make sure you sign up here to be notified when a new one comes out.

And stick around until the end where I’ll share a clip from next week’s recovery post!

My stomach lurches as I begin this post. I considered not going public with this, but that damn intuition of mine had other ideas.

There’s a part of me that wants to make this post bright and cheery somehow, but I’d be lying to you and me if I did that. I’d like to preface my story with this: I know there are so many more women like me. So, I chose to go public with my story because of that. There is a part of me that has massive amounts of shame around this, but coming clean helps heal. And if only one woman gets sober on account of reading my story, then all the shame is worth it.


*****************************************
Hi, my name is Andrea and I’m an alcoholic.

Yep. Me.

If you’re anything like me, when you hear the word “alcoholic”, you get that vision of the homeless man in the gutter, drinking from a paper bag, or maybe the leathery skinned, worn-out woman at the bar, falling off the barstool, or any other pathetic image you conjure up. Not often do you picture a successful life coach, living a great life in the suburbs. And that story is a big part of what kept me drinking.

I’ll start by backing up. My battle started in my late teens with love addiction. When I was 25 my struggle grew into an eating disorder, and thankfully I got help and healed from those when I was 31. It wasn’t until years later that I realized and admitted the eating disorder was bad enough that it could have killed me. To add fuel to the fire, when I was 26 I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and panic disorder, which at that time, was being helped with medication prescribed by my doctor.

Throughout my 20’s, in terms of drinking alcohol, I was a “normal” girl . I drank socially just like all my friends, but could always put down the bottle without a fight. Sure, there were episodes where I made bad decisions (does anyone make good decisions drinking?) and had some embarrassing moments, but nothing so humiliating to write about. Looking back, I believe I didn’t need to rely on drinking then to cope, because I had my eating disorder to fall back on, as well as an addictive relationship with my ex-husband. Those behaviors fed the addict me and I didn’t yet need alcohol to numb me.

Upon recovering from the eating disorder and love addiction, I skipped along into my new life with new tools and thoughts to cope without turning to a relationship, a man, or my eating disorder.


When I was well into recovery from those two addictions, I was so proud and happy. I was convinced I was finally “mentally stable”. But, little did I know, my alcoholism took its place. Quietly, it snuck in like a lethal, poisonous gas that I couldn’t see. I really had no problem quitting drinking when I was pregnant, but after the birth of my second child in 2009 is when my drinking picked up serious speed and momentum.

I found myself drinking nearly every day. And the days that I didn’t, it was to prove to myself that I didn’t need to. See? I could skip a day. I’m okay. When attending social events my mind revolved around alcohol. I was constantly thinking about how full my drink was, if anyone noticed how much I was drinking, if I needed to cover up how drunk I was getting, how much more time I had to drink, and so on.

After about a year of this the whispers in my head started.
“Normal people probably don’t do this.”
“Do I need to cut back?”
“This probably isn’t good.”

In December of 2010 I remember one evening finishing an entire bottle of wine in one evening by myself. Granted, I know there had been plenty of times I’d drank 4 + glasses of wine in one evening, but never by myself at home. On a weeknight. I was so ashamed and swore I would cut back. The next morning at the grocery store I proudly passed the wine aisle and didn’t buy any. By 4:00 that evening the anxiety had risen in me and quickly brought myself and my kids back to the grocery store to get a bottle. Because I deserved it. Because I had a long day. Because I would only have one glass while cooking dinner. I ended up drinking 3 glasses and was proud of myself for not drinking the whole bottle.

Soon after that, an entire bottle was pretty regular. I started hiding how much I was drinking from my husband, and pretty quickly the obsession started of hiding, worrying, and wondering what I should do. This was a living hell. The more that I tried to not think about drinking and the feelings that surrounded it, the worse I felt. My first thoughts in the morning were guilt and shame about how much I drank the night before. Then the thoughts would move to planning on cutting back. Then wondering if I have a real problem. Then justifying my drinking. More guilt and shame. Each day the afternoon would come and I would watch the clock waiting for an “appropriate” time to pour my first glass. The times were getting earlier and earlier. If I remember correctly, my earliest drink was 2:30 pm.

And the whispers got louder and more clear:
“Normal people don’t do this”
“Why can’t I stop thinking about this?”
“I think I have a problem”

I googled, “Am I an alcoholic?” I hoped Google and the internets would magically pop up a “YES!” or “NO!” on the screen instead of a bunch of links. I kept reading, “Only you know if you have a problem” and I wanted to scream. Mostly because I DID know I had a problem. However….. I was paralyzed with fear to quit drinking. I could not imagine my life without alcohol in it. I mean, I LOVE alcohol. I’m good at drinking. And, at the same time, there was a large part of me that was convinced there was NO WAY I could be an alcoholic. I mean, have you seen the show “Intervention”? Did you see the episode of Oprah where the mom was hiding bottles of Chardonnay behind the kitchen trash and laundry room? That wasn’t me! That’s an alcoholic, right? And I JUDGED those women! But the whisper in my head politely tapped me on the shoulder and reminded me that those women were once where I was at that moment. They didn’t just wake up one day and start hiding booze. But, I kept justifying my drinking. I was never drunk when I drank at home alone. I never drove, I never lost control with my kids, I never yelled. We had a house in the suburbs, 2 cars, 2 kids and my marriage was actually pretty good. How could I be an alcoholic?

And no one knew. No confrontations, no raised eyebrows, no one told me I should cut back. But, the hiding was becoming a full-time job. And one that I didn’t want anymore. So, if no one knew, and I was doing a good job of controlling it (or so I convinced myself), then I didn’t have to quit. Right? I mean I didn’t have a “rock bottom” that we always hear about. My life was great. All I did was drink too much. No DUI’s. No arrests. No tragic story whatsoever.

So what changed?

Well, I did some research. Not the college term paper kind, but just read blogs of women in recovery, and talked to some girlfriends who had gotten sober.

Here was my turning point: I admitted that what was happening to me was happening fast. And it was out of my control. My drinking wasn’t yet out of control, but this progression was. There’s an ancient Chinese proverb that says, “If we don’t change our direction, we are likely to end up where we are headed.” And I knew exactly where I was headed. My intuition, the whispers, were speaking more loudly at this point. I could. Not. Lie. Anymore to myself. I has just started my business and I felt like such a hypocrite writing and telling people how to live their best life. Their “kick-ass” life for Christ’s sake. And I was lying to myself every day. And numbing the pain with alcohol.

I knew I had 2 choices: Keep drinking and see what would happen. Or, quit drinking and see what happened. I was pretty sure I was an alcoholic, and true alcoholics don’t get better if we keep drinking (no matter how desperately we try). We just get worse. I was more terrified to see what would happen if I kept drinking, than to try sobriety. That was all I needed to realize to reach out and try sobriety.

And so I quit.

And it hasn’t all been easy. Some days are, and some aren’t. As time has gone on, the days are easier and now I can’t imagine my life if I had kept up the progression. But, I can’t think about the rest of my life without alcohol. I just can’t. Every day I make a decision and commitment to stay sober that day. Just that day. I’m human, I’m an alcoholic and that’s all I can do.

Today, September 27th, 2012 I have one year of sobriety.

*In the audio version of this post I go into more detail about my current recovery and what I’ve done over the last 5 years to stay sober and practice recovery, as well as questions to ask yourself if you think you have a problem.

Did you like this post? This is the first in a ten-part series I’ll be hosting on alcoholism and recovery. If you don’t want to miss the rest of the episodes, make sure you sign up here to be notified when a new one comes out.

 

 
Sep 27, 2016
Episode 118: Why You Feel Like a Fraud, with Amy Pearson
40:54

http://yourkickasslife.com/118

Welcome to episode 118 of Your Kick-Ass Life! Today I’m thrilled to share with you my dear friend, colleague and repeat guest Ms. Amy Pearson.

 If you haven’t heard Amy before you are in for a treat! She is the founder of Live Brazen, as well as a Master-certified Martha Beck Life Coach. She’s also a coach mentor and an instructor for Martha Beck’s life coach training. Plus she’s a writer, a teacher and a speaker who is on a mission to help the heart-centered entrepreneurs of the world!

 On today’s show, we talk about what it means to be addicted to approval - something she is intimately familiar with! She explains the different forms approval addiction can show up as, and how to know if you fit into any of them.

Sep 21, 2016
Episode 117: Tips on Creating a Successful Coaching Business, with Tara Gentile
43:02

http://yourkickasslife.com/117

Today I have a bonus episode for you! The regularly scheduled episode came out yesterday-- 6 reasons you’re afraid and what to do about it-- and today I wanted to bring you a special guest today for a specific reason.

As you know, I’m a life coach. The term “life coach” has taken on many meanings over the last couple of decades. It’s a relatively new profession, and even more new as an online business. I get many, many people who ask me questions like, “How did you become a life coach? Can you actually make a living at it? What school did you go to? What does one need to do to be successful at it? How do I build an online business?” and while I do take a handful of private clients for consulting on this topic, I wanted to have someone on whom I trust implicitly-- someone I’ve hired to help me in my business and who knows all there is to know about building an online business, Tara Gentile.

Tara is the founder of Quiet Power Strategy, a company that provides hands-on business training for idea-driven entrepreneurs. She’s also the author of three books: Art of Earning, Quiet Power Strategy and The Observation Engine. She’s been featured in Fast Company, Forbes, and Chris Guillebeau’s New York Times best-seller The $100 Start-Up. As if that wasn’t enough, she also hosts a podcast called Profit Power Pursuit! It’s a show dedicated to highlighting the real truth about the logistics of running a successful business.

Today we continue that truth-talking about the life coaching business, including who this industry is for and who it isn’t. She explains why most life coaches are missing the answer to this very important question, and why the answer is so critical.

Sep 15, 2016
Episode 116: 6 Reasons You're Afraid
15:28

http://yourkickasslife.com/116

Everyone has fear. I don’t care if you’ve led a charmed life or had the emotional shit kicked out of you time and time again. Whether you have self-confidence, whether you’re Miss America or a college student. We all have it.

Let me break down the most common things people are afraid of (I’ve left out things like spiders, zombies, the dark, etc. because this is the mostly about the “being” part. Zombies are a completely valid thing to be afraid of, though.) Here we go:

Fear of failure. Fear of not making the team. Not getting that promotion. Your marriage falling apart and divorcing. Being rejected when you ask someone out. Instead, we just don’t try at all. We sit on the sidelines and watch everyone else do things we want to do, and convince ourselves they must have some kind of secret sauce or some immunity to hurt, or perhaps they’re just fearless like everyone is talking about on Pinterest.

Fear of success. Fear of being in the limelight. Having to sustain our success and keep moving forward. Shining too bright and making others uncomfortable. Showing off. So, we play small to avoid any of that.

Fear of other people’s judgments, opinions, criticism, words, opposition, breathing. We DO care what other people think of us. I truly believe NO ONE out there really gives “zero fucks.” But, the real fear is of the haters. Our parents might think we’re crazy for leaving our crap marriage. Or friends might tell us starting our own business might be too hard. And then those anonymous people on the Internet can be really, really mean, so let’s play it safe and not risk criticism from them.

Fear of “The Unknown” aka fear of change. Sounds scary, right? What I’ve come to learn about this one is that pretty much everything in life is unknown. There are no guarantees, ever. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow. So, to try our damnedest to control this Unknown, we play safe and small in order to get some crumbs from The Unknown.

Fear of feeling your feelings. Pretty sure I’m an expert here because I’ve used every vice to numb my feelings except gambling. It’s been a few years now that I’ve made an honest effort to let all the vices go and actually feel my feelings, and I will tell you– it can be downright scary. So, I get it. It can be big things or little things that get thrown our way and instead of actually dealing with it we eat, drink, shop, just plain obsess on something else until (we think) it goes away. (Truth: it never does.)

Fear of confrontation and awkward conversations. These, I don’t think, are ever easy. I’m sure we all know (or are in one) that family that will not talk about that giant elephant in the room. Or the manager that will not have that conversation with your co-worker that totally sucks. The big problem is that when this is avoided, it prevents you from setting boundaries that need to be in place. Then you end up pissed and resentful.

Here’s the thing that ALL of these fears have in common in order to overcome: They require action. Sometimes MASSIVE action.

All the people that are killing it out there in their careers, in their relationships, with their goals and dreams, their only “secret” is that they got off their ass and did something. They actually did a lot of something. And the excuses and stories that come out of your mouth are just that: excuses and stories.

So, the truth is, if you have something big that you want to do— or maybe it’s a lot of little things you want to tweak in order to change your life and actually be happier…but you keep convincing yourself your excuses are valid I challenge you to stop complaining about your situation if you are refusing to take action on it.

30 days. You’re not allowed to utter one complaint about your sucky job, your asshole partner, or whateverthefuck it is that you refuse to take action on because you’re afraid.

Because my friends, think about the alternative. Stay in your situation that sucks. Don’t take action. And look out long term. Say, 5 or 10 years. In 5 or 10 years from now think about how you’re going to feel if things are exactly the same and the way you don’t want them to be. Still. Maybe you need to deal with some shit with a therapist. (And that’s taking action, btw.) Or maybe it’s as simple as you need to get off your ass and make things happen. Only you know.

Sep 14, 2016
Episode 115: The leader within every woman, with Nisha Moodley
41:46

http://yourkickasslife.com/115

Welcome to episode 115 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! Today’s show is guaranteed to fire you up - I’m joined by the fabulous Nisha Moodley to talk about women as leaders and the impact we can all have when following our greatest passions.

Nisha is a women’s leadership coach and the creator of Fierce Fabulous Free, The Freedom Mastermind & The Freedom Sisterhood. She is also a featured expert on DailyWorth, and has been featured on CNN, Huffington Post and The Daily Love.

On this episode, you’ll also hear about the truth and beauty in sisterhood, why we don’t need to perfect but simply walk our talk, the connection between freedom and sisterhood, and how women and their voices will free the world.

Sep 07, 2016
Episode 114: On burnout, a book update, and more
28:21

http://yourkickasslife.com/114

Burnout.

So, I’m in a burn out phase. It happens. I used to beat myself up for getting to a place of burn out, feeling like I must have done something wrong along the way, that I must have not balanced right, must have not delegated enough, didn’t lean in at the right angle.

But, nine years into raising babies, a business, and participating in a marriage, for me-- burn out is part of the game. And some self-help experts might gasp and tell me I’m doing it wrong, and that it doesn’t have to be that way, and my response is that I’m doing the best I can, I’m totally confident of that-- and this is what works for me.

I kind of look at my life and have found it possible and necessary to have self-compassion because when you do what I do-- when you hold space for people emotionally (sometimes a lot of people at once) it’s thrilling and beautiful and amazing and all of those things, and it can also be exhausting. Coupled with other factors-- a child with special needs, new big projects and it’s the perfect storm. Luckily, now, I see burnout coming like when the train tracks start to vibrate before you can see the train, instead of how it used to be-- not seeing it and letting the train hit me.

So, now when I see it coming, I back out and figure out what I need to do in terms of self-care. What that looks like is that I’ve decided to NOT teach any more classes for the rest of the year. The Masterclass will open for registration either in December or January, (get on the waitlist if you don’t want to miss  early registration which has a price break!) and we’ll start in the new year. I’ve also decided to put off some projects that I was gung-ho on earlier this year. They’ll wait until January.

In other words, I make necessary changes. And I have to grapple with my inner-critic that tells me I can’t put those things off, they’re imperative to my bottom line, and it’s a big mistake. My inner-critic tells me I actually CAN and SHOULD do it all and that other bullshit that makes me crazy.

In other words, I surrender.

YOU GUYS! DID YOU HEAR THAT? I SURRENDER. ME, ANDREA OWEN, THE QUEEN OF “I’M NOT LETTING ANYTHING GO YOU’LL HAVE TO PRY IT OUT OF MY COLD, DEAD HANDS”. I SURRENDERED.

Which is proof, it can be done. Letting it go can happen. Even though I’m pretty sure hell has frozen over and there are pigs flying there, but yep, surrender.

And to be honest, this has been a process. It’s not like I woke up this week and decided. It’s been years of surrendering in the shallow end with floaties on. Easing into to surrender. Little teeny, tiny turtle steps.

Switching gears, part of my burnout was the beginnings of a new, big project: writing my second book. I feel like it’s just like having a second baby-- you’re already done it so you know what to expect, but that doesn’t really make it any easier. It’s a different baby, so you don’t really know how it’s going to go until you’re in it.

So, right now I’m exiting the “fuck off” phase and entering the “panic” phase (see below).

image00

I have until December 31st to finish the entire manuscript. Now, this might seem like a long time, but I’d be a lot happier with about two extra months (not possible for a fall 2017 release date). So, from August 29th (first week of school) to December 31st, I will be head-down, eating, sleeping, and breathing writing this book. When I first decided to write it, I said to everyone, “This time it won’t be so dramatic, I’m choosing to have it not be so hard. Peace and ease people, peace and ease.”

Ahem.

Y’all. THIS IS HARD. Elizabeth Gilbert calls this “creative martyrdom” when you make this face:

image03

all through your creative process and let me tell you-- me and creative martyrdom are doing a disco dance together. We’ve got it down, we are so in sync, we have matching outfits and are LEGIT. CREATIVE MARTYRDOM HAS BEGUN.

On a positive note, because it’s so hard and dramatic, this book is going to SPECTACULAR. I’m so excited for you to read it!

Aug 31, 2016
Episode 113: How to honor yourself, with Christine Hassler
44:01

http://yourkickasslife.com/113

Welcome to episode 113 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! I’m delighted to bring you yet another terrific guest, my friend and yours, Christine Hassler. You may remember Christine from her first visit to the show on episode 58 (it’s linked in the resources section below). To refresh your memory, Christine is a former Hollywood agent who left that life at the age of 25 to pursue a life she could be passionate about. In the 10+ years since then, she has become a life coach, a speaker, an author and a retreat leader. She helps women and men around the world uncover self-acceptance, find their passions and make an impact in the world. In addition to her latest best-selling book, Christine has appeared on The Today Show, CNN, ABC, CBS, PBS and regularly contributes to The Huffington Post and Cosmo. On this episode, we talk about topics like what her divorce taught her about honoring herself and her own path, and what proactively surrendering means to her.

Aug 24, 2016
Episode 112: On Race, Privilege, and What We Can Do, with Kelly Diels
48:58

http://yourkickasslife.com/podcast/112

Today I’m going to talk about something I’ve never talked about before: racism.

So, why this topic? I'm passionate about a lot of different important matters-- media literacy, the oversexualization of girls and women, recovery, sex trafficking, Autism awareness, LGBTQ rights, but the reason I'm talking about this now is because I think there's a lot of people who might relate to my experience and learn from this conversation. Also, what dawned on me is that if I’m passionate about female equality, if I want things like equal pay and the same rights for women as we have for me….isn’t this the same thing? Equality for all people, not just equality for women.

So, maybe, selfishly, I’m here talking about this as a way of apologizing for my own ignorance. Maybe it’s a way for me to process the feelings around it. And for the record, I know that equal rights for people of color matter more than white people's feelings. I know that. But, I think for people who may be just “waking up” here, I needed to at least mention it. At any rate, I thought it would be helpful to do it all out loud and basically, I have some intentions for this episode:

1. To talk about my journey as a white person in America and how for me...coming to terms with my own racism, how I've unknowingly contributed and what I'm doing, feeling and thinking now.


2. Walk my talk in that to create change, we need to have these tough, uncomfortable conversations. I'm open to talk about a lot of hard topics, but this one has been probably the most uncomfortable yet.


3. To encourage you to get honest with yourself. I promise I'll be 100% honest in this episode and can 100% guarantee I'll want to throw up.


Because at the end of the day, this podcast is about living your kick-ass life, it’s about you gaining the skills to have conversations about tough things that no one wants to talk about. Typically, no one wants to talk about vulnerability, shame, and fear and I ask you regularly to talk about those. I teach classes on how to do this. And this is what this podcast episode is about. Me having one of those hard conversations and inviting you to do the same. I don't expect you to go out and join a black lives matter chapter, or speak out publicly about this if you're scared (but if you want to, GO DO IT). Today is about talking about something that needs to be talked about.

Again, I am really uncomfortable having this conversation. I’m afraid. Afraid of saying the wrong things. As someone who’s so new to this conversation, there’s a good chance I’ll get it wrong. I’m afraid people will say, “Please don’t. Please go back to just regular personal development stuff and save this topic for ‘real activists’”

However...I feel called to do this. I was never called to appease the critics. I was never called to make everyone comfortable. I was called to create space and permission to talk about things that matter. To talk about the stuff no one wants to talk about. To talk about the things that make us uncomfortable. I was called to encourage everyone to be brave while being brave myself.

And I hope I’m doing that for you today.

In this episode I’m bringing in my friend Kelly Diels and you can read more about her below.

And one more thing before I bring you the episode. If you’re a woman of color, this is something I never thought to mention before, but I want you to know you’re welcome here in the YKAL community. If you’re a lesbian, or transgender, if you identify as a woman, you are welcome in my community and in my classes. I don’t ever want any woman to feel excluded based on her race or sexual orientation.  

Aug 17, 2016
Episode 111: Why your fear story is so important
15:30

I’m terrified of zombies. I’m extra mad that they’ve become trendy lately and I have to see their dead asses all over the place like it’s funny or something. Well, let me tell you: it’s not. Just typing these words has made the hair stand up on the back of my neck, they effing scare the shit out of me.

http://yourkickasslife.com/111

But, that’s not the type of fear I’m talking about today. I just thought you should be aware how much I hate zombies. Moving on…

The kind of fear I’m talking about is the kind of fear that stops you from living your own kick-ass life, more specifically stepping out of your comfort zone.

Going after your dream job, moving out of your home town, setting boundaries, having uncomfortable (but necessary) conversations, dating, leaving your spouse, whatever the thing is that you want badly to do, but don’t do it.

You procrastinate, self sabotage, convince yourself it’s better to stay where you are, and buy into your bullshit excuses.

And I used to do it too.

I used to think that courage and confidence was for “the lucky ones”. They were born that way, they had some kind of special DNA or superpower that I didn’t have. So, I played small.

And then my life fell apart and for the first time ever in my life I said, “Fuck. This. Shit”.

My life falling apart created an entry point for me to start something. All my fears were brought to the surface like one big giant zombie attack. Some of my worst fears had actually come true. And it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Because I was still standing (barely, but I was).

My fear story looked like this: I told myself I would be no one and I would be unhappy if I wasn’t married (so I’ll stay in this sometimes-okay-sometimes-mediocre relationship). My dream job was too hard to get, (so I’ll stick to this safe corporate one). People think I’m too loud and annoying, (so I’ll censor myself). I’m terrified people won’t like me (so I won’t set boundaries).

If I let my thoughts run away with all my fear stories, they seemed monumentous. They’d pile up like one big mountain of garbage and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out what the hell was wrong with me. The easiest thing I could think of to deal with the disappointment in my life was to blame. If my boyfriend was better, I’d be happier. If it wasn’t so hard to get ahead at my job, I’d be happier. If I’d been born a Kardashian, I’d be happier.

Any of this sound familiar?

So, here was the big shift after my “fuck this shit” moment:

I decided I didn’t care anymore about the debilitating fear. Was I still scared, yes, definitely. But, I finally realized life wasn’t going to slow down and wait up for me. It was going to keep passing me by. I knew I didn’t get a second chance here in life. I wasn’t proud of who and where I was or how I was living my life and I sure as shit was not going to die that way. So, I started standing up for myself. I started taking action on my dreams. I heard the excuses and inner critic, and did it anyway. I cried, I broke down, I screwed up, failed a lot, and kept going. And the side effect of all of it was courage and confidence. It was like looking for years and years for a lost treasure and finally finding it where you would never think it was.

Where is your “fuck this shit” moment? You don’t have to have a big, life-changing experience like mine. But, where did you or do you still need to draw the line in the sand and decide to maneuver through your fear? You may be here stuck and if you are, I invite you to take a good look at your fear story: What are you afraid of? Name it. Write it out. The scariest thing that you think might be possible. And then ask yourself if deep down in that part of you that is your highest self, do you think your fear story is really true?

And the ironic thing is that the courage and confidence you need are in the face of what you’re actually afraid of. So many people are looking for it, but you have to actually take action while still not ready and still scared in order to gain courage and confidence. When you slowly, but deliberately, take action on your desires, you find what you need on the other side. And you may not get what you want right away or the first time, but the courage and confidence are building within you.

Aug 10, 2016
Episode 110: Making peace with our mothers, with Karen Anderson
45:56

http://yourkickasslife.com/podcast/110

Welcome to episode 110 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! Today’s topic is one we can all relate to: mothers. Our guest, Karen Anderson, is an author and mentor who helps women who struggle with or are estranged from their mothers.

Through her coaching, mentorship and Emotional Freedom Technique practice, she helps them overcome dysfunctional generational patterns and go on to live truly, happy, fulfilled lives. Karen is a master-certified life coach through The Life Coach School and is the also the author of The Peaceful Daughter’s Guide to Separating From a Difficult Mother.

On this episode, Karen shares her personal journey with her mother, and how that led her on a courageous inner personal journey from victimhood to conscious awareness and healing. She explains how you can talk about your own story without becoming a victim, and why it’s important to take ownership of your thoughts and beliefs around any experience in your life.

Aug 03, 2016
Episode 109: Letting It Go and Being Vulnerable Through Journaling, with Katie Dalebout
41:34

http://yourkickasslife.com/109

Welcome to episode 109 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! As always I’m so glad you are here and so excited to bring you today’s guest of honor: Ms. Katie Dalebout. Katie creates videos, workshops, coaching programs and other offerings to inspire women’s wisdom. She does so because she believes every woman deserves happiness and to find their unique version of a holistic wonderland.

As the host of her podcast, Wellness Wonderland Radio, she has interviewed people like Joe Cross, Gabrielle Bernstein and Tara Stiles. She’s also been featured in Teen Vogue, Yahoo! Health, and The Daily Mail and contributes to Refinery 29 and Mindbodygreen.

Today we talk about the creation of her first book titled Let It Out. Katie spent an entire summer being outside and journaling while battling an eating disorder. Despite being surrounded by support and loved ones, she found her journal to be the most validating place where she could be seen and be vulnerable, while also being unfiltered. It was a powerful tool for her to reclaim her own intuition as well as acceptance and love for herself.

Jul 27, 2016
Episode 108: 7 Reasons Why Your Relationships Might Be Failing
28:35

This episode has a worksheet! Once you grab it, you’ll also see a special video from me where I walk you through the worksheet and give you extra resources. This can be a tough, multi-layered topic for many of you and I wanted to create as much support as possible. See you there!

http://yourkickasslife.com/108

I would like to preface this post by saying that I have fallen into every single one of these. It wasn’t until I fell on my face for the last time, drew a line in the sand and said, “No more!” was I able to see my patterns, learn to love myself before I entered a relationship, and I was able to experience a loving, healthy relationship. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. You’re so desperate for love, you’ll take it any way it’s served up. All of us want the same thing: to love and to be loved. And for some people there comes a point when we are not feeling loved enough so we’ll take any relationship over being single. Whether it’s tolerating abuse, infidelity, disrespect, or boundary violations. Perhaps in your gut you know it’s wrong to stay, but in your mind the pain of leaving is worse.

“The only thing more unthinkable than leaving was staying; the only thing more impossible than staying was leaving.” -Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

This one could be its own post, but I will say this: If you know in your gut the relationship is not well, there is your answer. Period. And maybe it’s not time for you to walk away, but if nothing else, it’s a time for you to have a conversation with your partner that things need to change. And if they won’t work on it, there’s your answer.

And P.S….love yourself first. Staying in an unhealthy relationship for the sake of feeling loved will always end in massive disappointment.

2. You’re attracting the same type of partner as you’re feeling. This isn’t always the case, but it’s typical that if you’re feeling insecure, bitter, resentful, if you self-hate, chances are you’re going to attract the same type of person and/or that person will treat you exactly as you are feeling. Then you’ll end up finding evidence of your feelings in the shape of your relationships. For instance, if you’re with someone who doesn’t feel good about himself, chances are he won’t treat you with the love and respect you deserve. Which opens the door for your inner-critic to come in and tell you, “See! This is what you deserve. Of course it would end up like this.” It’s a cycle that can only be broken by you feeling good and loving towards yourself.

3. You’re a love addict. Guuuuurl, it takes one to know one. When I read the book, “Facing Love Addiction” I felt like Pia Mellody had written my autobiography and then hit me over the head with it. Love addicts in a nutshell are addicted to the feeling of being in love and in my case; addicted to the person I was in the relationship with. The relationship was what gave my life meaning. My life purpose was to make the relationship work. To make him love me the way my heart wanted to be loved. It consumed my life.

Er, not good.

Love addiction is like any other addiction. You’re filling yourself up with something outside of you. If you really feel as if this is you, I encourage you to get help either with a program, or the book above.

4. You expect your relationships to fail. If your self-esteem and self-worth are unhealthy, this is when you expect your relationships to fall apart. If you think all you meet are jerks and crazies that use you and leave you, you will find evidence of this. I encourage you to ask yourself WHY you think and assume this. Is it because it’s been your track record? Then it’s time to investigate how you feel about YOURSELF. How you feel about yourself will dictate how your relationships are. True story.

5. You sabotage any healthy relationship you’re in. Let’s say you’re had a string of shit relationships. Then you meet a really nice, normal, loving guy. Pretty soon you find yourself picking fights, or flirting with other guys, or maybe you’re thinking of leaving the relationship altogether. A couple of things might be happening. First, you’re bored and probably used to craziness- not normalness. (See #6) or deep down your gremlin is telling you that you don’t deserve to have this nice, healthy relationship, so you do things maybe consciously or unconsciously to cause problems to end the relationship.

6. You’re a drama addict. If you’re so used to chaos, intensity and drama, you may be a drama addict. I personally don’t see anything wrong with a little drama every once in a great while (because let’s face it, make-up sex is hot), but if this is your default way of communicating with your partner, or if your relationship has really high highs, and really low lows, that can be unhealthy. When I got married for the second time, I had to get used to communicating without yelling, slamming doors, hanging up on each other, and ending each argument with, “go fuck yourself”. At times I thought my new marriage was boring, but my therapist assured me that NOT doing all of those volatile things and actually communicating respectfully was normal and healthy. Who knew?

7. You’re waiting for someone to “complete” you. Hey sister- Prince Charming also had his not-so-great, ball scratching, asshole moments. I want to vomit every time I see that scene in Jerry McGuire where he tells her, “You complete me”. Barf.

Truth: Autonomy is essential to a healthy relationship. If you aren’t complete before you get into a relationship, you’re in trouble. To be fair, I’m not saying you need to get to a place of enlightenment before you date. I think taking responsibility for what’s yours and what’s not is the first step and if you’re willing to look at that in your relationship, you’re on the right track. But, if you’re actually looking for someone to complete you, you’re in trouble. It’s no one’s job but yours to bring your own happiness to the relationship. Putting that on a partner is not only unfair, but unhealthy.

If you notice something about all 7 of these- they all come back to self. I see people all the time (and I did it myself), search for love and happiness in a relationship. Yes, it’s important to have those things, but if you don’t have it in yourself FIRST AND FOREMOST, you’ll be running around in circles thinking, “What is wrong with me!?”. I assure you, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You are not broken, nor do you need fixing. The answer is in you.

Jul 20, 2016
Episode 107: Creating True Frientimacy, with Shasta Nelson
42:17

http://yourkickasslife.com/podcast/107

Welcome to episode 107 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! The conversation you’ll hear on today’s show is so important; it’s about friendships, and how to develop the intimacy and BFFs you really want.

And there is no one better qualified to speak to this than Shasta Nelson. Shasta is the founder of GirlfriendsCircle.com, a woman's friendship matching site for women across the US and Canada. She also has authored two books on the subject of friendship, Friendships Don’t Just Happen and Frientimacy. Plus she writes regularly for The Huffington Post and has appeared on Katie Couric and The Today Show.

Today we talk about the importance friendship plays in enriching our lives, changing us and keeping us healthy. Shasta also explains how to develop intimacy and when to know a friendship is ready to develop deeper intimacy.

 

Jul 13, 2016
106: What if you haven't found "your thing" yet?
18:36

http://yourkickasslife.com/106

Recently this topic has come across my radar. I’ve been thinking a lot about “your thing” and not the “thing” that refers to a man’s penis (although that would be a funnier post than this), but “your thing” in reference to your life purpose, your greatest passion, that thing you were put on this earth to do.

(Let me just start by saying- fucking fantastic. Let’s add another enormous pressure to the never-ending list for women.)

Sarcasm aside, let’s look at this for a moment. I’ve always thought it was crazy to ask 16 or 17 year-old kids to pick a college major. To actually pick something they want to do as a career. Forever. When I was 17, all I wanted to do was pick the right body suit to wear (remember those, early 90’s?), let alone what I wanted to study for 4 years, then do as a career. I envied my peers that did know and felt bad about myself that I did not. Clearly there was something wrong with me and I was a flake.

Jul 06, 2016
Episode 105: Live More with Sarah Jenks
34:59

http://yourkickasslife.com/podcast/105

Welcome to episode 105 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! This week I’ve got another fabulous guest to bring to you - Ms. Sarah Jenks. Sarah is the creator and founder of Live More Weigh Less, a movement born from her personal experiences and struggles with weight loss and body image. As a full-figured woman who had struggled with her weight for years, Sarah one day realized she was waiting on the weight before pursuing a life she loved. So she let go of her weight loss fixation and instead went after the great job, the great wardrobe or the amazing relationship. On today’s show Sarah explains how doing so helped her lose weight without dieting, led her to quit her advertising job, go to nutrition school and start Live More Weigh Less.

Jun 29, 2016
Episode 104: you aren't doing life wrong
17:58

A few weeks ago I hosted the 7-Day Courage Challenge, where hundreds of women come together. I open up a Facebook group and these brave women come in and share their answers to daily challenges and questions I send them. One challenger posted this in the group, and I felt inclined to write about it...

“The thing that I beat myself up over is the fact that I can't seem to get any of it right! I feel dumb saying that, I live a relatively nice life it's not like I'm alone and destitute or anything. I just feel like I've always been capable of so much more and somehow am too defective to make it work. I screwed up college so bad I never graduated. I've had opportunities pass me by because I either 1) start and never finish or 2) don't bother because I know I'll f*** it up. Now here I am staring 40 in the face and what am I? Like, shouldn't I know by now? I get in my head and make great plans and goals and dreams and I just can't get out of my own way to make it work. I don't think I'm doing life right.” -Sara

First of all-- define “doing life right”. When I hear this term, it’s a big giant fucking red flag that screams one word: Perfect. Personally, I don’t know anyone who’s perfect (and I know a lot of really, really awesome people), and I don’t want to know anyone who’s perfect. I wouldn’t trust that person for shit.

On the other side of that same coin, if I had to guess, I’d bet you have super high expectations of yourself. You thought you would be at x, y, and z when you turned 40 and you’re not there. Or, you’re comparing yourself to other people that are your age, or even strangers you make up have better lives than you do. My friend Christine calls this an expectation hangover, when we expect things will be a certain way, and they turn out different. So, check yourself. What is “so much more” that you speak of? Write it out. I’m all for you having goals to achieve your version of “success”, but watch out if that version of success is for you, or if it’s expectations that you think matter to make you “worthy” and loved more by others, or if it’s the expectations others have put on you.

Personally, I think everyone is doing life right. Right for them. No matter how much you look your life and think, “Wow, I’m really screwing things up”, or “ I’m not living up to my potential”, you’re still doing life right for you.

And I know this is hard to wrap your head around because we all like to judge others and ourselves. But, I think about Andrea circa 2006. There I was dumped by my husband for another woman, dating a drug addict, pushed away all of my friends, quit my job for said drug addict, everything fell apart, I was broke, in debt and had to move in with my sister (and she DID “have her shit together”, married, job, kids, mortgage, all the things I didn’t have). Some might say I was doing life wrong and that I needed to get my shit together. Hell, I said that to myself. Even in the midst of all that-- when I woke up and knew I was making bad choices when I knew I needed to change... I chose to stay. I chose to keep living like I was living, for months.  

Now, having had the same thoughts that Sara has, I can tell you this I know for sure: When you’re sure your goals and need to change is for YOU and no one else, you have to get to a certain point where staying where you are hurts more than changing. Where complaining that you’re “doing life wrong” pains you more than going after those opportunities you’ve been passing up. I believe all of us have a pain tolerance, and once you reach your threshold, something breaks lose and you move. And I don’t know where that is for you. Maybe you’ll have a life-changing moment like I did, or maybe you’ll just wake up one day and decide.

You’ll get these invitations often. Sometimes they’re large and sometimes tiny. But, you’ll keep getting them. Invitations to show up in the world, invitations for amazing and thought provoking conversations, invitations to walk away from relationships and invitations to start new ones. And you keep declining the invitations and the more you do this, the worse you feel. Until one day you say yes. And no matter how small, everything changes.

Because you, my dear, were not destined not to show up. It WILL happen when it’s time. And again, I don’t know when that is for you. But, just listen and watch for those invitations. And I’ll tell you something else I know for sure: Don’t wait until you’re brave enough. Don’t wait until you’re “fearless”. There’s no such thing. Showing up and accepting invitations to change is scary-as-fuck. Change can be scary-as-fuck. But, what’s scarier is looking down the line 50 years from now and seeing you said “no” to every single invitation.

One more thing I want to say about your post. You say, “I get in my head and make great plans and goals and dreams and I just can't get out of my own way to make it work.” I’m making this up over here, but you might be making up these GRAND plans and goals and dreams and then you think about taking action, and it’s just too big. I may be wrong, but most of the smart, high-achieving women I attract in my circles think this way: It’s all or nothing. Either I take on the world, or I’m nothing. Either I am crazy-successful, or I’m a lazy piece of shit.

It doesn’t have to be black or white. If you make it that way, you’ll always, and I mean always fail and feel like an epic failure. Look for the grey area. And I know this is hard. I too am a recovering all-or-nothing kind of girl, so the middle ground, and failing, and getting back up is haaaard. But, you have to make tiny, turtle steps to go after what you want.

And if you change your mind about your goals, so what? You’re allowed. Maybe the goals end up being not what you hoped it would be (been there), maybe you realized halfway through you were doing it for other people and not for yourself (been there too, yuk), or maybe your heart is just not in it anymore (yep). But, if you’re quitting because you think you aren’t good enough, or you think you might not do it right, or you think people might think you’re weird, or it makes them uncomfortable or whatever reason that doesn’t matter to you, YOU’RE QUITTING FOR THE WRONG REASONS.

YOUR GOALS AND DREAMS MATTER. YOU MATTER. WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY MATTERS. AND FOR FUCKS SAKE YOUR TRUTH MATTERS.

And wait-- I actually have one more thing to say about this post. You might want to look at forgiving yourself for your “mistakes”. For not finishing college and whatever else you’re still beating yourself up about. You’re putting a lot of emphasis on what those things MEAN about you-- but you’re allowed to be kind to yourself, and love yourself, and matter, even if you quit school. Think about what else you making up about who you are as a human based on decisions you made in the past. And work on forgiveness.

So, again, you’re not “doing life wrong”. All this waiting and quitting and feeling bad has prepared you for something. It’s up to you to make that happen in whichever way you’re ready for.

Right click to download the .mp3

If you want to join a community of like-minded women ready to work on stuff that matters, like self-forgiveness, self-acceptance, and that damn inner-critic, check out The Kick-Ass Courage Project: 30-Day Experience. Four big topics, 30 days, TONS of learning and transformation, a community of like-minded women, and guidance by yours truly. Registration open until June 27th. Click here to join us.

Jun 22, 2016
Episode 103.5: Action steps to take regarding recent tragedies
12:10

Just an FYI- along with reading, you can listen to this post as well. Simply click the “play” button.

In 2008 I had a mentor tell me, “When your blog starts to grow in popularity, stay away from topics revolving around politics, religion, and race. It’s too risky, and one wrong move can ruin your reputation.”

She was trying to protect me. Helping me “stay on course” and only talk about personal development.

However.

For me to go on pretending like nothing is happening, to say nothing at all is unacceptable. How can I tell you to stand up for what you believe in, practice courage, and follow your intuition if I’m not practicing it myself whenever possible? So, here we go...

Two major things have happened recently. Let me start with the most recent.

Although I highly doubt you haven’t heard, but just in case-- this past Saturday a man shot and killed 49 people and injured at least 53 in a popular gay nightclub in Orlando, Florida.

This is heartbreaking. And infuriating. And scary.

If you’re like me, you’ve been thinking about the victim’s families. And like me, you probably can’t help but think about your own family. I think about my children, how I worry about them going to school, and when they get older going to the movies, out dancing, and to places where they normally should feel safe and be safe. Many of us no longer feel safe anymore.

When I was in elementary school we had earthquake drills and fire drills. Now, my children have drills on what to do if there’s a shooter in their school.

Let me repeat that. In the United States of America-- the land of the free-- my children in kindergarten and second grade, had a drill this year on what to do if there’s a shooter in their school.

I’m not sure how to wrap my head around this.

So, this isn’t a post about how pissed off I am or how I think you should vote this November. Right now it’s not a time for me to sway any opinions you have. This is a post about what you can actually do.

Because I imagine in all of your sadness, fear, anger and whatever else you’re feeling, you also face a feeling of helplessness. Here are a few action steps to take:

Here’s how you can give blood. Read what you need to (requirements, the process, FAQ’s), then click the green button to find a donation center in your area. You don’t have to live in Orlando to make a difference.

Here is the Go Fund Me page to support victims of the Pulse shooting. You can read more about where that money goes on that page.

For more resources like finding a vigil in your area (or adding one), go to WeAreOrlando.org.

If you have an opinion about it, contact your state senator to tell them how you feel about gun laws. You can search by state.  You can also find your representative here. If you’re stumped on what to say in the letter, you can find a sample here. (Scroll down a bit).

The second recent tragedy is about Brock Turner, a Stanford University student was found guilty of raping an unconscious woman. If this is the first you are hearing of this, please watch this because I believe it’s summed up nicely.

He’s been sentenced to a mere six months in county jail, which he will likely be free in three months. There are so many WTF’s about this tragedy, one of them being that Brock Turner has never publicly taken responsibility for his actions, only blaming peer pressure and Stanford’s party culture.

Again, this isn’t a post about how outraged I am (but for the record, I am). I think many of you are. And you’re wondering what you can DO about it. Well, here are some things:

Take the time to read the letter from the rape victim (known only as “Emily Doe”) wrote to Judge Persky. Her voice is important. Her story is important and it matters to all of us. Emily Doe represents all of us.

If you feel he should be, sign the petition to have Judge Persky removed from the bench.

And this is a really, really important one. Watch the documentary The Mask You Live In. It streams on Netflix or you can see it for $3.99 on YouTube. The trailer is here.

“Whether it’s homicidal violence or suicidal violence, people resort to such desperate behavior only when they are feeling ashamed and humiliated or feel they would be if they didn’t prove they were REAL men.”   - Dr. James Gilligan, Psychiatrist and educator

So, why is that documentary so important?

We need to do better raising our boys. Of course I’m not saying your boys are bad. I’m saying our culture is not creating an environment for boys and men to express feelings and ask for connection, so it’s on us to create this. As well as question these cultural norms.

Although both of the tragedies above are different, they both involve violence perpetrated by men. And many of you are raising boys, or know someone who is, or have some kind of influence on boys whether it be a nephew, brother, student, etc. And by watching the documentary, you’re educating yourself about what’s important and what needs to change.

All I’m asking is for you to start a conversation. That’s how change happens. By questioning the status quo, shining the light on a cultural and social problem, and opening it up for conversation with people you care about.

Jun 16, 2016
Episode 103: Stop Holding Yourself Back with Jen Louden
42:05

Welcome to episode 103 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! As always I am delighted to bring you today’s guest, Jen Louden. Jen has been a consultant and a teacher for over two decades, and one of the areas she focuses on is helping women to not hold back. When I asked what she means by that she explains not holding back means life is living us. Typically we are the ones who get in our own way and she helps women to stop doing that, and to stop holding back.

Jen and I also talk about the role creativity plays in keeping us alive and “juicy”! Jen says we are all creators, whether it’s a meal we make, flowers we arrange, or the lives we build. And because of that we must remind ourselves over and over again we are the ones who can and do make things happen.

Jun 15, 2016
Episode 102: Q&A on divorce
54:07

Hi ass kickers! Today I combine a solo episode and a listener question, plus some input from my good friend and colleague Kate Anthony. Here’s the question I received from Nikki, a member of the YKAL community:

I would really like for Andrea to talk about life after divorce on the podcast. I know it is a really heavy topic, but Andrea is literally a picture to me of where I want to end up.

I love that she is able to laugh with such joy, and I love that she managed to build a family and a beautiful business afterwards, so I think if she could help us dip our toes into what one should do at the different stages post divorce, in terms of your self talk and ownership etc. Andrea touches on all these topics, but I would love a pod specifically addressing divorce.

Also a related topic, forgiveness, (whether or not it relates to divorce). Forgiveness, what it means and what it doesn't mean.

Niki Evangelia Elizabeth
__________________________________________________________

I got this question and thought it would be great to answer on the podcast because most-- if not all of us-- have been broken hearted. And it’s easy for me to quickly tell my story and tell you all that I’m so much better now, but you’re missing a big part of it-- HOW I did and continue to do so today.

In this episode I talk about how I’ve come to the conclusion that sometimes we’re never fully “over it” or “healed”. And once we accept that, is when we can start to feel better, forgive, trust again, and move on.

And to be really honest, I feel like I have scar tissue on my heart. Like I’m about 90 percent healed. And that feels like a lot and and it feels like enough. But, getting remarried didn’t heal me. Moving out of the city I used to live in didn’t heal me. Having children didn’t heal me. Having a successful business didn’t heal me. Time didn’t heal me. What healed me is surrendering to the process of grief, loss, longing, nostalgia, disappointment, and accepting the fact that the dream I had was dead. And honoring it. Listen to the episode where I go into much more detail about that.

About halfway through the episode, I bring my friend Kate on. When my husband and I divorced, we had no children together, so I didn’t have to see him anymore. I didn’t have the agony of co-parenting, or anxiety of him getting remarried and having a stepparent in the picture. So, I asked Kate a few questions on how she has coped with her divorce, having had a child with her ex-husband. After Kate briefly tells her story, I ask her:

  • What have you done to heal?
  • How did you feel when he got remarried?
  • Are you still heartbroken? If so, how do you deal with it?
  • How have you dealt with forgiveness and what does it look like to you?

I hope you give it a listen! Even if you’ve never been married, or you’re long divorced, I’m sure you’ll find some take-aways you didn’t know you needed ;)

Jun 08, 2016
Episode 101: How to Own Your Gifts as a Woman with Cherie Healey
43:38

Welcome to episode 101 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! Today’s guest is an old friend of mine, a truly insightful, wise and amazing woman named Cherie Healey. As a board-certified coach she works with women to help them get what they want so they can change the world. She is also the founder of Tapped In Leader, One Woman Effect and the Bring It Group. Cherie calls herself a possibilitarian and on this episode she explains what that is exactly!

Also on this episode we talk about how she became the leader she is today, why teaching your knowledge is the final stage of learning and why that teaching stage is so critical to your overall development and fulfillment in life.

Jun 01, 2016
Episode 100: "What If I See My Inner-Critic As My Motivator?"
12:34

As you may know, a foundational piece of the work I do with women is working on managing their inner-critics. Creating a new way of speaking to themselves that is kind and compassionate instead of beating themselves up.

And every once in a while, I get this question “What if I see my inner-critic as my motivator? The voice that pushes me to be better in all aspects in my life?”

And your thoughts might look like this:

“Oh, Janice lost 30 pounds recently. If she can do it I can lose 40.”

“I really was an idiot and screwed up that work project. I’ll stay late and come in early for the next month, and do a WAAAY better job next time”

"You know your husband is an ass-man. Amp up the squats, Ms. Flat Ass"

Basically, your inner-critic is comparing you to others-- saying you can do better, pushing you to do better based on you falling short or failing, and really just using any “shortcomings” to try and make you a better person.

(You know where this is going, right?)

People, let’s just be honest here. Your inner-critic is being an asshole by doing this. Does this ever feel good? Unless you’re a masochist (which, to each his own. Seriously.) this isn’t good for you. You know what always works and wins?

Love.

Kindness.

Compassion.

Courage.

Giving yourself the internal beat-down might change your behavior on a dime, but I can assure you it’s for the short-term, ends up making you feel like shit, and diminishes self-confidence.

So, no. The answer is no to “can my inner-critic be my motivator”. Your inner-critic is the voice that is sending messages from beliefs you have about yourself. Beliefs that we ALL have that don’t serve us. Beliefs like:

I’m not good enough

Everyone else has it figured out but me

I’m a fraud and soon everyone will know

I don’t deserve a healthy relationship

And on and on. It’s like our inner-critic’s job to remind us of those beliefs on a regular basis as well as point out evidence that it’s true.

See? You screwed up at work again. Looooser.

See? Another fight. You’re doomed to be alone.

See? Those pants are tight. You’re enormous.

Y’all. It doesn’t have to be this way. No one beats themselves up into happiness, success, being in shape, or a kick-ass life. The solution is to start small. First, recognize the bastard. Hear it and see it. This isn’t a fun exercise, but awareness is half the battle. If you don’t know what is there and when it happens, you’ll just go on listening and believing all the bullshit. Second, slowly work on changing your thoughts and beliefs. Over and over again. Or, believe the a-hole and feel like shit. Your choice.

I’m being really forthright here because I’ve seen this one thing change people’s mother-loving lives. Mine included. And if you want free and amazing support here, join me for a free online event: The 7-Day Courage Challenge where I'll teach you to speak kindly to yourself. We start June 1st! 

May 25, 2016
Episode 99: How to Live a Succulent, Wild Life with SARK
45:13

Welcome to episode 99 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! You are in for a very special treat - Susan Ariel Rainbow Kennedy (or SARK-- isn’t that the best name EVER!?) is here with us. She’s like the big sister you always wished you would’ve had and she’s bringing her big sister wisdom and guidance to this episode!

SARK has known since she was a little girl that her purpose is to transform and uplift others and she does that with her books, her products, programs, her art and through speaking. She is a best-selling author who has been acknowledged and celebrated by such notable thought leaders as Dr. Wayne Dyer, Marianne Williamson and Maya Angelou.You know...no big deal.

On this episode, SARK and I talk about how to feel multiple feelings at the same time and how to navigate them all, how to care for your feelings (including a 5 second technique to doing so) and the role curiosity can play in helping us solve many of our issues.

 

May 18, 2016
Episode 98: 3 Steps to Take When You Have a "Gremlin Attack"
21:38

Let’s get one thing out of the way: I talk about the inner-critic a lot. I do it because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this beast— the voice in your head that keeps you small— has the capacity to be the ONE thing that prevents you from living your most kick-ass life. And when it’s uncovered, managed, and transformed...everything changes.

This post is about a real-life situation that happened to me a few years ago, and how I’m dealt with my own inner-critic. I'll also weave in a couple of examples that might happen in your life...

A couple of years ago I wrote a book. I got a book deal, the book went out to the world and in its first 14 months of publication sold over 10,000 copies.

And I totally freaked out.

It wasn’t an “OMG-this-is-so-amazing!” kind of freak out. It was a “I’m-so-incredibly-uncomfortable-with-all-this-success-and-attention-I-can’t-be-a-functioning-human-being-ever-again” kind of freak out.

I soldiered on through the book promotion and hid out for about 4 months when it was over. Then I went head first into working on my own shit because what happened during that time was a HUGE indicator that work needed to be done.

Then about a year ago the call came from my literary agent. He and my publisher are ready for me to write a second book. He asked for an outline and I told him I would have it emailed over by the end of May. May 30th came and went and I hadn't started. I procrastinated like it was my JOB. I’m was ready to write the book except OMG THAT’S SCARY!

Why so scary, you ask? Because here’s what my inner-critic says to me the minute my agent tells me they are ready for book #2 and they want an outline:

"What, I think I’m an author now?"

"This one needs to be better than the first"

"My new idea isn't good enough"

"They're going to pass on it or make me change it"

And when I dig really deep and ask myself what I’m really afraid of-- it’s failure a little bit, yes. But what scares me the most…is success.

It’s the big message of “Who do you think you are?”

I’m no stranger to this question. I’ve been hearing it and working on it (over and over) since I started my business nearly six years ago. Well, to be honest, most of my adult life.

And as I’ve been going through it again and working through it, I knew I needed to tell you— my dear ass-kickers—what the steps are exactly to make my way through it and carry on. So, here they are:

Before I jump in--  this doesn't have to be directly related to doing and accomplishing big goals. Maybe you want to speak up in a meeting, ask someone out, initiate sex with your partner, have a hard conversation with someone, or set a boundary. Any of those examples has the ability to make your inner-critic go nuts, so these steps definitely apply here.

As a bonus step- before ANY of this happens, is that it’s hugely helpful to know what your actual triggers are. What makes your inner-critic go crazy? My work is a trigger for me. Writing is both art and career (and a calling) so I know I am very vulnerable to shame here. Wait-- did someone just say SHAME? Yes, I did. Something this big for me has the opportunity to bring up so much discomfort: criticism, failure, rejection, and feeling not good enough. All things that are a shame shit-storm for me. And when we’re in shame, we hide unless we PRACTICE another way.

Step 1: I know it’s happening. This might sound obvious, but for many people, they’re so used to living in fear and being paralyzed by the a-hole voice in their head, they don’t even realize it’s happening.

For me, I know when I’m not returning phone calls (in this case it would be specifically to my agent), hiding out, procrastinating, telling NO ONE what’s going on, feeling anxious about what’s happening,  beating myself up, and going over “what if” scenarios over and over, I know I’m in trouble. That’s when I know I need to:

Step 2: Reach out and tell my story. Like Brené Brown teach us: It’s the right story, at the right time, to the right person. Lucky for me I have those people in my life. I can call them and say, “Hey, this is happening and I’m so freaked out by it”. And they don’t judge me, they don’t try to fix it, and they don’t tell me I’m crazy for thinking that and to get over it. They see me and hear me and love me in all my human-ness/human-mess. When we tell our stories to the right people shame can’t survive. It’s as simple as that.

Step 3: Do the hard thing anyway. As I type this, earlier this week I sent my outline to my agent for feedback so we can send it to the publisher. I even told him what I wanted in my contract this time (SCAAAARRRY). And I didn’t die.

Once I had acknowledged what I was really afraid of and told my story to people I trust, it was easier to keep going. Was it less scary? Maybe, maybe not. But, the inner-critic voice had lost its power. And when it loses its power, we can make room for taking the action that lines up with what we really want in life.

Need support with your inner-critic? Join me and lots of women just like you as I personally take you through the 7-Days of Courage Challenge! It's one thing to read about it, but a whole nother animal when you put the tools into ACTION! We start June 1st! Sign up for free here.

May 11, 2016
Episode 97: How to do life when you're a sensitive person with Hannah Marcotti
35:04

Welcome to episode 97 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! Thank you for being here and for listening to my chat with the lovely and talented Hannah Marcotti. Hannah is a coach for highly sensitive people (are you one too?); she herself is also a highly sensitive person.

On this episode Hannah talks about some of the telltale signs that you or a loved one are highly sensitive, such as only being able to wear certain clothes because they feel right and nothing else does or not being able to tolerate loud, crowded places, etc. She also shares why it's so helpful to know this about yourself and appreciate the gift that high sensitivity offers you.

May 04, 2016
Episode 96: On failing and why Rob Bell now thinks I'm crazy
39:04

Usually when I record a solo podcast episode, you get to read the whole thing here in a handy-dandy blog post. However, this lesson/episode has a story attached that is so...I don’t even know how to describe it...painful/excruciating/funny/embarrassing, to type it up won’t do it justice. You’ll just have to listen.

In it, I’m sharing with you times I’ve done something vulnerable and fallen on my face. Stories where it didn’t work out. And how I got back up again and moved on.

I start with the story of me going to see Rob Bell speak last week in Durham and I made a complete asshat of myself, not once, not twice, but three times in one day. The second one wasn’t quite that bad, but the third one was so bad if you’re that person who has trouble watching excruciating moments during reality shows, (like me) this will make you uncomfortable. This picture of me with crazy eyes and Rob Bell was taken about 10 minutes before that third thing happened…

I actually had a different episode planned for today, but this thing happened and I decided to share it for three reasons:

  1. When it happened, I swore to myself I would NOT share it with listeners b/c it was so humiliating. When I think something like that, I know it’s hit an edge with me and it’s something for me to think about, work through, and then share with you.
  2. Everyone has these moments. I teach courage and kickassery-- if I can’t tell you my failures and how I get back up, what good is it?
  3. I told the story to Amy (my BFF) and she laughed to hard she had tears streaming down her face. So, hopefully you can both cringe and laugh with me. Trust me when I tell you I wasn’t laughing when it happened, but I laughed when I told her later.

Then, I’ll talk about asking some big-name self-help people I’ve invited to be on the show, being rejected, and the one big takeaway I know that keeps me going.

And last I’ll talk about love-- what’s it like to have two back-to-back failed relationships, and not just failed-- like fall-on-your-face betrayed, cheated on, lied to, conned and dumped ….and finding love and trust again. (Hint: it’s hard, and complicated, and still a work in progress).

I’ll tell you the story of what made me imagine what it would look like if my husband and I split up, got divorced, had to tell my kids, all of it. Essentially, I was rehearsing tragedy. Because JOY IS HARD. My life is great and hard and messy and beautiful and all of it is vulnerable to feel my way through it. I know what disaster looks like and feels like. Those memories are visceral and real and when they come up, I use them now to alert me to LEAN INTO JOY. Lean into love. And that’s hard because I know it could all get taken away at any second. But, I can choose to obsess on that, or I can choose to see it, acknowledge it, and choose love and joy. Rehearsing tragedy for me is me being lazy. It’s easy to do that. It’s hard to surrender to joy. Listen to the episode to get the FULL story!

*****************************************************

And hey-- did you know? YKAL got an upgrade and we have a new website! To celebrate we’re running a giveaway*. To enter, simply do one of two things:

  1. Go to Facebook and share this link. Simply click the “share” button and viola! You’re entered. Or...
  2. Go to my Instagram account and repost one of the recent posts about my free e-book How the Shit Talking in Your Head is Making You Crazy and 3 Ways to Change it. (It’s easy to use a repost app for that!). Make sure to tag @yourkickasslife so I can enter you.

Details: I’m giving away one of each: A signed copy of my book, a 5-Minute Journal, a Mantra Band, and a Knock-Knock Journal.  (Contest runs from 4/22/16 to 4/29/16 at midnight Eastern time. Winners will be contacted via the social media avenue you entered, so be sure to check your emails/DM’s there. One entry per person. No purchase necessary)



Resources mentioned in this podcast:

How to Handle Your Inner-Mean Girl blog post and podcast episode

Dr. Martha Atkins podcast episode on death, dying, and grief

Rob Bell’s website

Apr 27, 2016
Episode 95: On Death, Dying, and Grief with Dr. Martha Atkins
49:49

Welcome to episode 95 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast. This episode is a first for the show: we are talking about death, dying and grief. You might be thinking, “Yeah, no thanks!” And yes, these are things we’ve never covered before but a topic that is incredibly powerful and necessary. Seriously, ass kickers, this was one of my favorite conversations on the YKAL podcast!

Dr. Martha Atkins joins us to share her wisdom on this topic. Dr. Martha is the CEO of her own company, holds a PhD in counseling education and is also a published author on the topic of grief, death and dying.

Even if you’ve never lost a close friend or family member you’ve still been touched by loss. When a relationship ends, a friendship changes or a job doesn’t pan out the way you had hoped, there is loss and with loss comes grief.   

On this episode Dr. Martha shares her personal stories of loss and grief, and what led her to do this work. Episode 95 is a powerful conversation guaranteed to touch you and provide insights on the grief cycle; the insights you hear today will help you the next time you’re faced with any kind of loss.

Apr 20, 2016
Episode 94: Listener Q&A
36:32

Hi ass kickers! Welcome to our first edition of Listener Q & A. You sent me your questions, and I’ve answered them on the podcast. If you’re not familiar with the podcast, simply click the pink player button above to listen, or you can find the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast on iTunes (Apple devices) or Stitcher (Android).

I answered three questions on everything from relationships, to the inner-critic, to setting boundaries. And more! I hope you enjoy listening!

At minute 3:51...
My question is, how do I deal with in-laws that I don't trust? My in-laws live several hundred miles away, so I only see them 3-4 times a year. But, whenever I have to see or talk to them, I feel very anxious, tense and guarded. My experience with them has shown that whatever I say or do is closely scrutinized. I have to defend everything I say or do when I'm with them. As a result, I reveal as little of myself as I can. I feel like I'm hiding behind a shield of fabricated blandness. It feels gross and exhausting. I don't trust that they love me unconditionally and I don't trust they have my back. How do I maintain this relationship without all the anxiety and in-authentic posturing? I don't feel safe to let my guard down, but I hate the way this relationship feels and the stress it causes me.
-Sara

I have three juicy questions for Sara to think about, hopefully that will help her think some about the situation from new perspectives. I let her know she may have unrealistic expectations of this relationship and direct her also to another podcast I did with Christine Hassler, author or Expectation Hangover. If anyone has had disappointing relationships, give that episode a listen!

Even if you don’t have the same situation with in-laws that Sara does, you probably have that person in your life where you have the choice to have a conversation with them about something that is unsaid.
___________________________________________________________________

At 11:51...

I have been doing a lot of work on my inner critic. Every time I start to let her come out, I write down everything she says and then flip the paper over to write what I would tell a friend if they told me that stuff. I haven't done it in a while but have became more aware of the thoughts and more able to switch the thoughts. I'm super proud to this!!

But I have started to neutralize myself. Like I don't feel anything. I'm not sure where to go from here. Sometimes I feel bad for not being such a worrier. I’m not feeling the emotions the way I want. I'm missing out on true joy. I'm scared if I feel more than all the bad will rush back in. Yes, I don't feel as miserable but I don't feel happiness either. What are some tools to use to get over this numbing.

Thank you
Amy

First, can we give Amy a HELL YES for doing the work? The tool she used there is from the “quick and dirty” section of my 14-day Gremlin e-course.

I’m so glad Amy asked this question-- this is a typical progression for people that work on their inner-critics. They get to a place where they’re like, “Now what?” In this section of the podcast, I take Amy though some additional exercises to get to “feeling the feels” and drop this quote:
“Be gentle. You are meeting parts of yourself you’ve been at war with.” -from the book, It’s Not About Food

I give Amy 2 more tools to use to help her, and refer her to listen to this podcast episode about how hard it is for so many people to lean into JOY.

At the end of this section of the episode, I talk about the importance of friendships when it comes to processing your feelings. Friendships need to be intentional! I talk more about that here.
__________________________________________________________

At 25:55...

Not long before I found you, I decided to divorce my husband as my son deserves the opportunity for two happy homes instead of one unhappy home. My son also has autism - his dad and I have separate ideas of what our son needs (part of the reason for the divorce). Reading Brené Brown’s chapter on wholehearted parenting helped me see that I engage in the comparison of who is the better parent. Unfortunately dad has absolutely no interest in trying to co-parent or get additional services for our son. I feel that I can't do enough to help him, while at the same time reassuring that he is good enough as he is. I know I am not the only parent with 50/50 joint custody of a child where the parents are unable to communicate and discuss the best interest of the child, let alone one with special needs. What I am looking for is someone else who has had similar struggles or a way to figure out how I can do the best that I can do while accepting that dad might be doing the same thing (although I will never know as he hides what happens at his home). What I don't want is to put my son though the court system so I can have full custody thinking that I am the "better" parent.

Best,
Autumn

Even if you’re not the single parent of a child with Autism, this portion of the episode will probably help you. I tell Autumn about one of my favorite sayings from 12 step programs that’s always helpful to let go of what someone else is doing or not doing.

In addition, I provide some helpful resources (my son has Autism too), as well as the importance of self-compassion.

Also, OMG also, I talk about boundaries. Here’s the video I mention of my fairy godmother (and yours), Brené Brown talking about just this:

Screenshot 2016-04-06 19.03.28.png

Lastly, I mention the podcast episode I did with Randi Buckley on setting boundaries.

Ass kickers, I hope this episode was helpful for you and if you have a question you’d like answered in our next edition (coming out in about a month or so), shoot us an email at support@yourkickasslife.com.

Hugs and ass kicking,
Andrea

Today is the LAST DAY to grab your bonuses with The Self-Love Revolution Master’s Course home-study! Get your self-lovin’ on for under $100 along with badass bonuses!

Apr 13, 2016
Episode 93: How to Have Healthy Relationships with Rachel DeAlto
32:04

Welcome to episode 93 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast. Today my new friend from Soul Camp is here to talk about love and relationships. Rachel DeAlto is a certified coach from the Institute of Professional Excellence in Coaching (IPEC) certified coach and a certified hypnotherapist from the International Association Of Counselors & Therapists (IACT). She’s been featured on The Today Show, Good Morning America, CNN/HLN, The Steve Harvey Show, Fox News, Cosmopolitan, and Glamour, among others. If that wasn’t enough she’s also given two TEDx talks: one on the Power of Kindness and another on Killing Fear! On this episode Rachel shares her perspective on what makes a healthy relationship, what self-love means and how she practices it, plus how to heal a broken heart no matter what stage of grief you are in.

Apr 06, 2016
Episode 92: How to handle your inner mean girl
11:48

Why do I talk about the inner-critic so much?

This is the thing that gets in the way of us showing up fully, of having those tough conversations that allow us to get what we want and to stand up for ourselves. This is the voice that asks us “What will people think” that drives us to perfectionism, people pleasing, and trying to control everything. This is the voice that makes us feel like shit so that we lash out and blame.

And a lot of times this is the voice of shame. Old childhood stuff that sticks with us and haunts us. So when we don’t know this is happening, it rules our life and nothing changes. That’s why I’m hellbent on teaching you all to manage that voice.

Truth: I still have an inner-mean girl. It’s the voice in my head that tells me I’m not good enough, I’m not doing it right, I am most definitely falling short, and asks, “Who do you think you are?” when I go after what I want.

Over the years I’ve worked and worked on her. I’ve embraced the little girl in her that is hurting and afriad. I’ve hated her, I’ve had compassion for her (btw- having compassion for her feels waaay better). I’ve listened to her, I’ve pushed her aside. And I’ve noticed over the years she gets bent out of shape for different things, depending on what season of life I’m in. And of course, over the last few years, she’s been all up in my face about a very important role in my life:MOTHERHOOD.

And maybe your inner mean girl gets chatty around your body, your work, your relationships, your role as a daughter, friend, whatever. But, for the sake of this post, I’ll be giving you the example of motherhood.

My negative self-talk around it looks like this: I work too much. I should slow down and take time off. On the other hand, I could work more to make more money to buy them more things. I don’t read to them enough. I’m not organized enough. I should not work at all so I can homeschool them. They should go to private school. I’m not advocating enough for special needs son. I’m not teaching them enough about values. My son should know how to tie his shoes by now, I mean WHAT KIND OF MOTHER AM I THAT MY 7 YEAR OLD CAN’T TIE HIS SHOES YET?

I’m too impatient. I’m a pushover. I should make them make their beds every day. I should feed them better foods. They should be in science camp, I can’t believe I haven’t done that yet. OMG I could go on all day with this list.

And I know VERY WELL that I am not alone here. I know that even if your area today isn’t motherhood, it certainly is another area where this inner mean girl gets feisty. And when it comes down to it you have two choices on how to handle her:

Choice A. Let her rule you and buy into what she’s telling you, thus feeling like crap. Or

Choice B. Learn how to handle her and manage her.

Notice one of the choices is NOT “get rid of her and stop the chatter”. (Btw- anyone that is selling this is feeding you bullshit. No one is completely void of some negative self-talk.) We can’t eradicate it, but we can manage it. There are lots of tools to be able to have the self-talk management become easy, but I’m going to simplify it into two steps for you here:

Step 1: Figure out when your negative self-talk happens and what it is. It’s much easier to learn to manage if you can catch it in its tracks. Being proactive helps tremendously.

Step 2: Once you realize you’re in a shit-storm-a-palooza of inner mean girl talk, take a step back and tell yourself one or all of the following:

Wow, that drama in my head just happened.  

For the love of Jesus on a bicycle I’m doing the best I can.

Okay, let’s start those thoughts over because those other ones suck.

And why am I not telling you to change your thoughts into positive and happy ones? Um, because it’s hard? Guess what sisters– if I tell you to take the way you’ve been thinking for decades, and turn it upside-down and think OPPOSITE, more positive, cheery thoughts, I can almost guarantee it won’t work. You’ll feel like shit because it didn’t work and beat yourself up for it not working. And then you’d probably be mad at me.

When I find myself all sad-clown face about not being an awesome, perfect mom and realize I’ve spent the last ten minutes stressing out about my kid’s future and blaming myself for their lack of shoe tying awards, all I do is stop and tell myself I’m doing my best.

That’s it.

And sometimes I stop and start over many times in one day if I’m feeling especially vulnerable and afraid.

And here’s a bonus, a Step 3: Call a friend. I wrote about this a few weeks ago and what’s important here is that you’re calling the right person to tell them the right story at the right time. If you’re spiraling down, down, down, make sure you talk to someone who will give you what you need in that moment. You’re not alone in having moments of feeling not enough and that you’re falling short. You don’t have to go at it alone.

And if you’d like even more support here, I’m hosting a free workshop where I’m teaching my 3 most effective ways to manage your inner mean girl. Click here to sign up. I’m going into more depth and giving you practical tools you can apply in your life now to help handle your negative self-talk!

- See more at: http://yourkickasslife.com/coaching/how-handle-inner-mean-girl#sthash.ibfICj22.dpuf

Mar 30, 2016
Episode 91: Turning your inner-critic into your inner-coach with Patricia Moreno
39:19

Welcome to episode 91 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast. Even if you’ve listened to this show only a few times you know affirmations are not my thing. But a class I took at Soul Camp showed me affirmations can be incredibly powerful when combined with physical movement (who knew?!). Our guest for today’s show, Patricia Moreno, was the teacher of that class.

Patricia has found a way to combine affirmations with yoga, martial arts, and dance: it’s called the IntenSati method. After being with her at Soul Camp and simply falling in love with her I had to have her on the show.

In addition to teaching at Soul Camp, Patricia and the IntenSati method have also been featured on The Today Show, The New York Times, Oprah Magazine and The Wall Street Journal, among other places. She is an award-winning fitness expert, a mindset specialist and a New Age thought leader.

On this episode we talk about what IntenSati is, how her upbringing led her to create it and how she’s fulfilling her mission to help others live the life they love in a body they love by spreading the IntenSati method worldwide.

Mar 23, 2016
Episode 90: What no one tells you about life
22:40

Originally I had titled this post, ‘What no one tells you about getting sober”, but really it’s what no one tells you about life.

In early 2011 I knew I needed to get sober. It’s a longer story, one you can read about here, but a couple months into my recovery, I realized I was going to have to face something that I had never done before:

Face my feelings sober.

And it’s no shock that many people that get sober from drugs and/or alcohol, turn to another “drug”: shopping, relationships, exercise, food, over-achieving, busyness, Internet, you-name-it. Whatever they can get their hands on to numb out with. Why? My guess is that they get sober and feelings come up. They don’t drink anymore, so they have to turn to something else to cope and numb.

We live in a culture that doesn’t teach us how to feel our feelings. There’s no class in school for it, and many families don’t talk openly about it. And even if we kind of know what to do with our feelings, rarely are we encouraged to do so. The generations before us were mostly emotionally illiterate– meaning vulnerability (which is what encouraging the expression of feelings is) is simply not fostered. Personally, I grew up in a house with a metric shit-ton of love, but when it came to vulnerability– Nope.

So in 2011 when I found myself sober, the irony was almost funny: When drinking I had my days feeling like I would crawl out of my skin if I didn’t have a drink (or 5), and then when I got sober, I felt like I had crawled out of my skin– like I was this raw person walking around bumping into everything. Emily McCombs says so eloquently about this stage:

“Snorting coke is not hardcore. Walking around feeling whatever fucked-up shit you feel, without escape, 24/7, is fucking hardcore.”

And yes, it’s fucking hardcore.

I think many of us get to a point where we feel shit come up– shame, disappointment (in others or ourselves), fear, worry, feeling like we don’t belong, *insert your hard feeling here*, and we instinctively run. Far away. Into a bottle of booze, an entire pizza, Facebook, online dating, food restricting, being busy, *insert your choice of numbing here*. We get so used to doing this we don’t even know we’re doing it. And you might think– “Well, what’s the harm? Those are SHITTY feelings! No one wants to feel those, DUH!”

Seriously, I used to say that too. And sometimes my addiction still whispers it in my ear, claiming it is the comfortable and easy solution. Like the time last year when my son was really struggling in school. Like the kind of struggling where my heart cracks open and I wonder if I would get arrested if I just kept him home all day and we just hung out and I would make sure no one came over at all, ever to talk to him for fear of hurting him. I was sitting at a stoplight and my mind slowed down and I thought, “I should have been doing more to advocate for him. I’ve been wasting time, we’ve lost time. What if he grows up to be an addict too? What if he starts drinking as a teenager like I did? What if because of my negligence in advocating for his special needs he becomes a heroin addict? I am seriously the worst mother. Gawd, I need a glass of wine.”

Just like that.

Because to BE in that place of feeling like a failure, to BE in that place of heartbreak for him is too much. My brain tells me I cannot bear the weight of this pain. My heart panics and cannot take it. Wine would make it better. It would go away.

And luckily for me, I have the tools (I’ll get to those in a minute) to see this quickly when it happens, and not drink.

But, I GET IT. I get that it totally blows to BE with those feelings. It’s raw, and brutal, and fucking hardcore.

But, here’s what I know for certain happens when we keep numbing…

The feelings don’t go away. The don’t just dissipate into the atmosphere with every sip or bite or mile on the treadmill. They kind of get shoved deeper into your body where they just wait. And they don’t just sit there. They kind of bounce around and manifest as anxiety or maybe depression for some or negative self-talk or self-loathing. And then we feel like shit and we don’t know why. The feelings don’t just go away. They fester and eat away at you. Until, one day, they have an exit point.

Feeling your feelings can be multi-layered. You may have trauma, which typically needs professional help from a trained therapist or other mental health professional. But, what I can do here is give you an example of what it might look like to get through feelings those hard feelings.

The example I gave above of feeling guilty, anxious, and afraid for my son. Because I’ve been doing this work for so long, I am quickly able to recognize that stream of thoughts and see what’s happening. This takes practice. You might spend days on end having those thoughts. Try to be mindful of it and see what’s happening. If you can’t stop them as they come, that’s okay. I want at first the win for you to know what’s happening.

Then, cry if you need to. Scream if it’s what feels right. Get really fucking angry. Say as many bad words as necessary, journal all your feelings out, write scathing letters you’ll never send. Just let it out.

Next, talk to someone who’s earned the right to hear your story. Not the bank teller, not your condescending mother-in-law, not your judgmental neighbor, not your friend that is only sometimes reliable, but someone who loves you for all your humanness and human-mess. If you don’t have this person, I know it’s hard, and you may not have this person for various reasons, but I beg you to reach deep on your courage and vulnerability and keep trying to find her.

The other thing is practicing compassion to myself. I made up that I was the worst mother because I didn’t advocate for my son enough. I didn’t do any Autism 5k’s ← Bad. I didn’t know about non-profits that had free parent liaisons ← Bad. I didn’t know what my rights were as a parent concerning his IEP ← Bad, all bad. But, the truth is: everyone falls short sometimes. In regards to my son, I didn’t know about a lot of things that were available to me because previously we hadn’t needed them.

Practicing self-compassion is just that: a practice. No one gets their yoga or meditation practice down on the first, second or third try. They keep at it over and over again and sometimes they have good days and sometimes they don’t. Same with self-compassion. But, the point is to try.

My hope is that you pull something out of this– even if it’s just knowing that you need to try to slow down on the numbing to face what’s happening inside of you. Solicit the help of your trusted friends. Know that your feelings are normal and okay. And please, be kind to yourself.

Mar 16, 2016
Episode 89: Choosing Self-Love, with Christine Arylo
33:48

Welcome to episode 89 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast. I am always excited to share our guest with you and today is no exception. The powerhouse woman joining us is an inspirational catalyst, best-selling author and is widely known as the Queen of Self-Love: Ms. Christine Arylo. Christine is here to talk about her passionate mission to create a new reality for women and girls: one of self-love and true feminine power. Her teachings have been shared far and wide through such mediums as ABC, FOX, CBS, WGN, Huffington Post and more (including TedX!). On this episode we explore exactly what self-love is and what it’s not, why and how she began this journey in the first place, and also how to embrace the choice and the practice of self-love in your daily life. We also talk about cheese. Seriously. But, just for a minute.

Mar 09, 2016
Episode 88: Newsflash: Life isn't perfect
13:39

If you’ve been on the Internet at all the past few years, you’ve surely seen a rise in personal empowerment. Which makes someone like me ecstatic, because I love that more and more people are working on themselves, not to mention this is how I make my living.

 

However, like many trends out there, I see an unintended downside. Here’s what it looks like:

 

People start reading self-help, attend a workshop, or hire a 1:1 coach to help them live their best life. And they walk into these endeavors with the end goal that sounds like this:

 

“I want to wake up every morning, jump out of bed and love the shit out of my life. I won’t let anything or anyone get me down. Good vibes only!” #blessed


When I see leaders in the industry making these promises for people, I cringe. Surely people understand this isn’t an everyday thing, right?

Mar 02, 2016
Episode 87: Finding work/life balance with Dr. Jaime Kaluga
34:54

Welcome to episode 87 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast. I’m super happy you’re here for this show because today’s guest is an expert on a topic I get asked about all the time: work-life balance!

Dr. Jaime Kaluga is a licensed mental health counselor and a certified professional coach. She is an author whose work has appeared in issues of Glamour, Self and many other nationally-recognized publications. She is also an inspirational speaker and a woman on a mission! She has dedicated her life to helping women find balance and fulfillment in their lives.

During our conversation we talk about what work-life balance actually means, how perfectionism stops us from achieving that balance, and how emotions throw us off balance and what to do about it.

Feb 24, 2016
Episode 86: The grass isn't greener, you just need to deal with your shit
14:28

Preface: for the sake of this post and my point, I’m going to be very generalized here. I understand not all people and relationships are like this. I understand you may be the exception, but please bear with me...

I, in no way, shape, or form consider myself a relationship expert. That’s not specifically what I help women with, so I don’t typically write or talk about it. I do have lots of experience in relationships-- both failed and successful ones (okay, one successful relationship).

And having lots of failed relationships and then a successful one, I can tell you the key to making that shift:

Looking at my own shit, dealing with it, healing it, and repeating that process over and over.

What I see many women do (my former self included) is this:

You’re in a relationship and you’re not happy. It doesn’t matter what the specific problem is.
You break up with or divorce your partner.
You find a new partner, everything is great for a few months.
Then things go to shit.
You can’t figure out what’s wrong with the guys you pick. It’s the “same shit, different guy” syndrome.

The common denominator in all the failed relationships is you. Along with your beautiful self, you’re bringing all the unresolved issues from your childhood and past relationships. All your insecurities and pain. We all have it, none of us are exempt. But also, we all have the opportunity to look at it, own what’s ours and not our partners, work on healing it so we can be better humans to the people we care about.

Feb 17, 2016
Episode 85: Stand up for yourself without being a dick, with Amy E. Smith
31:45

Hey Ass-kickers!

 

Welcome to episode 85 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast. Returning veteran of the show, my best friend and yours, Amy E. Smith is here to talk about the all-important art of standing up for yourself without being a dick!


If you haven’t heard Amy before or have forgotten her background she is a certified confidence coach, podcaster, renowned speaker, and personal empowerment expert. Through all of her endeavors she helps people find their voice using her particular brand of wit, wisdom and irreverence.

On today’s episode we delve into how to listen to the stories being told by your inner critic  (or as Amy calls it, your inner sh*t talker), what unwanted identities are, why all of us have them and what to do about it.

Feb 10, 2016
Episode 84: No one is coming to save you
10:13

I’ve heard many times as a helping professional, “How many sessions do I need with you?” or “How long will it take me to get better?” To be honest, that’s always a red-flag. When I hear these questions I know the well-meaning potential client wants me to fix them. Wants me to do some voodoo magic where I take away their pain so they can skip into the sunset and feel immune to the pain of the world.

 

And the obvious truth is: I can’t. No one can.

Feb 03, 2016
Episode 83: How to overcome isolation
17:03

The women that come to me for help are always very similar. They’re smart, high-achieving and if you met her, you’d think she has a great life. She’s busy and being pulled in many different directions. She feels like she blinked and turned 30...then 40...and maybe closing in on 50. She’s looked around and realized how hard she’s worked for everything she’s got, but deep down feels

Lonely.

Anxious.

Afraid.

Maybe you are her.

Jan 27, 2016
Episode 82: How to dare greatly
36:39

Hey Ass-kickers!

 

Welcome to episode 82 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast. As always I’m thrilled you are here and honored to bring you another show. Today is something we’ve never done before: one of my clients talks about her experience completing Brenè Brown’s The Daring Way program. I wanted Jen on because for you to hear from “the average Jane”-- a woman just like you who is doing The Work and for you to be inspired from a woman who’s changed her life.

 

Jen is woman like many of you: a working mom and a self-motivated go-getter who sets and achieves goals for herself. But she felt like something was missing; she was caught in a comparison trap and realized she had to do something about it. She sought coaching and after an initial consultation she opted to work with me.

 

On today’s episode Jen shares the power available using The Daring Way methods and what doing so has meant for her relationship with herself and in her life.

Jan 20, 2016
Episode 81: Family constellation therapy, with Natalie Berthold
35:40

Hey Ass-kickers!

 

Welcome to episode 81 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast. Happy new year and thank you for being here. As always I’m ecstatic to bring you this show!

 

I don’t bring you too much woo-woo here at YKAL, but today we’re veering off into a woo-woo topic called family constellation therapy. I met our guest, Natalie Berthold, at Soul Camp last year and after being powerfully moved by her session I had to have her on the show and to share her with you!

 

Natalie joins us to explain what family constellation therapy is and what its origins are, how she became a believer and a practitioner and how healing our relationship with our mother with this therapy can give us freedom in every other area of our lives.

Jan 13, 2016
Episode 80: Can you handle all the joy?
17:06

I have a client, we’ll call her Stacy, who got a really difficult assignment from me recently. I asked her to sit with joy.

You may be wondering why that’s so difficult. I mean, isn’t that what we all want? Isn’t that why people hire life coaches in the first place? To find and feel joy?

Let me explain. The women that come to me for help are serious go-getters. They are extremely good at doing things for everyone else, but putting themselves last. They do one project and are on to the next. They set enormously high expectations of themselves which they can rarely reach (and if they do reach them, it’s at a huge cost and mostly because it matters what others think of them) if they ever reach the expectations at all. They struggle with perfectionism, people pleasing, isolating, and the need for certainty and control.

And why do they act that way?

They act that way because the other way of being— standing up for themselves, being imperfect, saying no, letting go of outcomes— all require being vulnerable. And being vulnerable has an unstable outcome, and possibly a painful one (like failure), so they just don’t. They do what they know to stay safe. In their minds they protect themselves. Vulnerability is just not a way of being for them.

So, what does this have to do with joy?

 

Jan 06, 2016
Episode 79: Playing big, with Tara Mohr
37:29

Hey Ass-kickers!

 

Welcome to episode 79 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! Thank you so much for being here and joining our guest for today’s show, Tara Mohr. Tara is an expert on women’s leadership and well-being. She is the author of Playing Big and is the creator of the leadership program for women of the same name.

 

Tara holds an MBA from Stanford and an undergraduate degree from Yale; she is a Coaches Training Institute-certified coach who helps women play bigger and share their voices in work and in life. She’s been featured in The New York Times, on the Today Show and in the Harvard Business Review. Her fans include Jillian Michael, Maria Shriver and Elizabeth Gilbert!

 

On today’s show we talk about dealing with your inner critic, some of her 10 rules for brilliant women and how to decipher the stories we make up versus what actually happened in our lives.

 

Dec 30, 2015
Radical self care, with Jamie Mendell
38:23

Welcome to episode 78 of the Your Kick-Ass Life podcast! As always I’m excited you are here and so happy to bring you our guest: Ms. Jamie Mendell.

 

Jamie is a health and lifestyle coach who helps women master their lives by diving deep into self-care healing, with a particular focus on food and body issues. She’s a regular contributor to Women’s Health and Huffington Post.

 

On today’s show Jamie shares with us her decade-long struggle with food, dieting/bingeing and her weight, and how she finally made a lasting change. She talks about what self-care act